Lavinia
by Nerwen Aldarion
Summary: Co author Tinuviel Undomiel: When tragedy strikes Jane and Lisbon find their roles are reversed. Lisbon is now the one who is shattered and Jane has to attempt to pick up the pieces. Jisbon. Warning: Violence and Graphic Imagery
1. To Villainy and Vengeance Consecrate

Disclaimer: We don't own The Mentalist, we just like to play with the characters. Lavinia is also not ours, she sprang from the mind of the infamous William Shakespeare

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Hey guys, don't worry Redemption and Red John's Making are still being worked on but I had to feed this muse. A couple of months ago I was reading Titus Andronicus for my Shakespeare class and got completely caught up in the character of Lavinia. Being obsessed with The Mentalist an idea to mingle the two quickly arose BUT I did not share this idea with anyone. The truth was I couldn't believe what I was thinking about writing, what I was thinking about doing to these characters. It's not like anything I've ever done before so I was more than a little skeptical about it. Finally a couple of weeks ago I confessed to my sister about this idea and she quickly retaliated by throwing a remote at my head at disbelief that I had kept this to myself for so long. After a lot of collaberation we finally ironed out the details of this fic. It's dark, it's angsty and it's sad but it has a beautiful light to it as well, at least I think so. You'll have to read to find out.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: I like angst, but what happens in this story is ANGST. I don't normally go for stuff like this, but my sister is an excellent salesman. I swear, she can talk me into anything. This story is about darkness, but also about healing for both Lisbon and Jane. And yes, Jisbon is included. I hope you all enjoy it.

**WARNING: This fic has very strong and violent themes including graphic imagery. It is not for the faint of heart.**

NOTE: The title is Lavinia, a character from Titus Andronicus. The chapter title comes from the same play.

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><p>Lavinia<p>

Chapter 1: To Villainy and Vengeance Consecrate

Lisbon never trusted lawyers, any kind of lawyers; she always found them sneaky and cheats. Which is why she gave ADA Cole Sanford a very critical gaze from across the interrogation room. The fact that he worked for law enforcement raised him a few pegs from most people, though she could only name one or two DA's or ADA's that she'd actually liked. The fact that Sanford could very well have taken a bribe to tamper evidence negated any positive outlook from his choice to be a prosecutor.

"Agent Lisbon, the longer you keep me in here the more perilous your chances of receiving future help for me become." He told her with a cold gaze.

She ignored his words, if he wanted to issue threats than that was fine. She was going to do her job as she saw fit. "As you well know, evidence from the Hawkin's case has been mishandled."

"Of course I know, I was there when the judge issued a mistrial."

"Good, then you will be happy to tell me about your name being on the docket signing out the evidence."

Sanford put both hands on the table calmly. "My name is on there because I checked out the evidence."

"And then tampered with it."

"No, I did a cursory look over what we had because I was preparing for court."

Lisbon raised an eyebrow. "But you didn't tell anyone else what you were doing."

He shook his head. "It was just a routine check, I wanted to refresh my memory on what we had, it didn't seem important to tell anyone else."

She nodded, it was a pretty good explanation but it was also fairly weak. "The problem I have with this is that _you _were the last one to check out the evidence before it was mishandled."

"An unfortunate coincidence."

"Perhaps," Lisbon said, "or maybe when I go through your financials I'll find a sudden windfall of cash." She kept her eyes focused on his. "You had some money troubles in the past, you had to mortgage your house and your assets. That is why your wife left you correct? For gambling problems."

Sanford's eyes burned with real anger. "I got help, I no longer gamble."

"But it is so easy to slip up isn't it? Maybe you fell back into old habits and found yourself with a debt you couldn't pay. Perhaps Dunley made you an offer you just couldn't refuse."

His eyes narrowed. "You can't play this game with me, Agent Lisbon. I didn't tamper with that evidence; I did not accept any bribes. You are looking for a different man."

Lisbon stood up from the table. "We'll see about that." Then she confidently strode out of the interrogation room.

She thought Sanford was a viable suspect, but it was always a good idea to get Jane's opinion on the matter. She knew he would be watching from the observation room, getting a feel for Sanford and judging whether he could be the man bribed to get Gerald Dunley off for murder. The only problem was that sometimes their idea for suspects clashed. The bigger problem was that Jane was 99.9% right on his ideas, despite her prayers to one day one-up him.

Jane was peering through the mirrored glass at Sanford, probably reading every thought from his face. She'd known Patrick Jane for eight years and she still had no clue how he managed to be so eerily accurate.

"So, what do you think of him?" Lisbon asked once she was inside.

Jane didn't look at her. He shook his head and said, "Eh," as a negative response.

"Oh you've got to be kidding me," she said, "Why not him? He has motive, opportunity and he is the last one on the list. All signs point to him, why not you?"

Jane looked back at her and shrugged. "He's not squirmy enough."

Lisbon blinked three times. "What?"

"Sure Sanford has the whole package and I could certainly see him doing something like this, but it wasn't him. Whoever ruined the evidence is putting their career on the line and clearly has never done anything like this before. Sanford fits the bill, but if he did do it then he would be nervous: sweating, shifting in his seat."

Jane pointed to the glass. "But look at him, he's angry and annoyed, but not squirmy at all."

"Squirmy," Lisbon said, "You want me to release Sanford because he isn't squirmy enough for you?"

Jane grinned and nodded.

"Let's say I did that and now we jump ahead in time," she said, "I'm on the stand and the defense attorney is questioning me."

She straightened up and cleared her throat like a typical lawyer. "Agent Lisbon, is it true that you released a viable suspect, one with clear opportunity and motive, because your colleague said he wasn't squirmy enough?"

Lisbon met Jane's eyes. "What am I supposed to say to that?"

"Well then you would arrest the defense counsel because clearly they have been illegally eavesdropping if they are quoting our conversation."

Now Jane was smiling with pride at his clever comeback. Her point had been turned around and thrown back in her face. How the hell did he do that?

"Seriously, Jane," she said, "I can't scratch him off our list just because he doesn't squirm. Maybe he's just more confident than you think."

"Or maybe he's innocent and that's why he's confident that you won't arrest him."

Lisbon crossed her arms and shook her head at his smile. She truly despised him sometimes.

Just then Cho knocked on the door and poked his head in. "Boss, what do you want us to do with Sanford?"

Lisbon said, "Keep digging," while at the same time Jane said, "Let him go."

She gave Cho her 'don't listen to Jane look' and he nodded. "Got it, boss."

Once the door was closed, she whirled back around to give Jane her most disapproving glare. Like always, it didn't work. "I have the badge," she said, "that means I give the orders."

"So if I get a badge, can I give the orders?"

Her allotted amount of Jane Patience was reaching its zenith. She could feel the pressure beating at the back of her eyes, pounding out that painful rhythm Jane was so frequently the cause of. She groaned and pinched at the bridge of her nose in a desperate attempt to stave off the incoming headache.

"I'm giving you a migraine again, aren't I?" he said, "That's twice in one week."

"Are you trying to make a new record?" she asked. The most he'd ever done was three.

Jane grinned and shook his head. "I would never purposefully cause you pain."

"You just like accidently driving me insane," she replied.

Since her order was being carried out, despite Jane's wishes, she had no reason to stay in observation. Cho could finish up with Sanford without her guidance. She needed to return to her office to update Bertram since he was anxious to wrap up the case before the fundraiser later that night. Besides, distance from the source of her tension would probably ease it.

Unfortunately, said source decided to follow her.

"You know the reason you get these headaches is because you know I'm right, you just don't want to admit it."

"No," she said, "that can't be right. I've had the same five foot ten, blonde headache every day for the past eight years, I know where it originates."

"Ooh, zinger," he said with a grin of approval. She couldn't help but smile back at her own cleverness. Jane wasn't the only one who was witty.

"But you'd know you'd miss me if I suddenly up and disappeared."

"Oh no I wouldn't," she said. She knew full well that was a lie. Patrick Jane, out of her life? Perish the thought.

"Of course you would."

"No I wouldn't. I'll prove it. For the rest of the day I'll pretend you don't exist and then you can come back to me and ask how much I miss your irritating ways."

"You know you need me."

"Oh I do?"

"Yes," he said, "You know your solve rate would drop astronomically without me."

The last time he'd said that, she'd left him stranded at a crime scene. Later he'd bought her strawberries as an apology. Well she didn't see any strawberries now.

Her green eyes turned into withering slits, but he wasn't jaded one bit. "Say that again and I swear you won't have any teeth left to smile with."

"Ah, Agent Lisbon, still resorting to violence, I see."

Lisbon turned her attention away from Jane to the owner of the voice, one she recognized. It was Kyle Hathaway, reporter for the _Sac Chronicle_ who covered the crime beat. "Only when it's necessary."

"Or convenient."

She glared at his hostile response. "What the hell are you doing here anyways?"

"I was speaking to your director. I plan on covering the Bureau's fundraising gala tonight." He gave her a quick glance over. "I assume you'll be there."

"It's mandatory."

"Can I count on a quote from you?"

"How about a hand gesture?" she suggested instead.

"Then I'll be very descriptive in my article," he said. Hathaway gave her a cool nod. "I will see you tonight."

"I'm counting the seconds." He made no response to her dry words, just brushed past her on his way to the staircase.

Jane studied him as he walked by. "Hathaway," he said to Lisbon, "Isn't he the one that you broke his camera."

"I did _not_ break his camera," she snapped, "He snuck into the crime scene and was taking pictures. I tried to confiscate his camera, but he wouldn't let it go and it _accidentally_ hit the wall."

"And then you took the film."

"I had to. It was evidence."

Jane have her a nod as if to say that he understood. "He filed a complaint, right?"

"He lost," she said, "He had no proof, he was just being spiteful because he got caught." Lisbon shrugged. "It wasn't a big deal, I handled it like a professional."

"Didn't you call him the 'King of All Assholes'?"

She looked away sheepishly. "Okay, maybe _that_ wasn't professional." She looked up at Jane again. "Nor was it right, since that title belongs to you."

Jane chuckled. "You are on role today, my dear Lisbon. I'm proud of you."

"Bite me," she said before turning around to walk away towards her office.

"Aw," he groaned, "And you were doing so well. You can be more original than that."

Lisbon turned back around and gave him her "quote" to Hathaway before stepping into her office, closing the door on Jane's smiling face.

* * *

><p>The day continued with the case still stuck in a limbo, Jane remained convinced that Sanford was innocent and when his financials came back clean, Lisbon began to believe that he might be right…<em>again.<em> Damn him. Instead she had Rigsby look for any hidden accounts while she and Grace turned their attention to the people employed in evidence storage.

"I think I found something," Van Pelt said, breaking the silence and hopefully the case. Lisbon walked over to the young agent's desk to listen to the new piece of evidence. "John Lawrence, he works in evidence storage. He just got flagged for putting down twenty thousand dollars into real estate up in Redding."

Jane let out a low whistle, "That's a steep investment." He smiled up at Lisbon, "and generally more than an employee of the CBI could afford."

She had to agree with Jane on that point. "All right, bring him in, let's see what he has to say about his sudden windfall." When she turned around Jane was still grinning at her. "No I will not say it. You are not right."

Jane cocked his head and his eyes sparkled with amusement. "I said that Sanford didn't do it and now we have a new viable suspect. Tell me, Lisbon, what _is_ your definition of 'right'?"

Lisbon decided to ignore his gloating. "Well do you want in on this interrogation or will you just observe and test Lawrence on the Squirm Factor?"

He smiled again, "Squirm Factor? That sounds like a bad reality show."

Suddenly a new migraine was beginning to form. "Get away from me before I hurt you."

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Despite her scoffing at what she dubbed the Squirm Factor, Lisbon couldn't help but wonder if perhaps Jane was on to something. In no time Jane and Lisbon had extradited a confession from Lawrence who had spent the entire time squirming like a little boy in church. Jane had smiled knowingly at her while she and Grace had hauled Lawrence out for booking, she did what she could to ignore him.

So Jane was right again, what else was new?

Lisbon and Grace were happy to leave Lawrence in the hands of the officers at county, they were all ready for this case to be over so that Bertram would stop breathing down their necks. Now they could turn their focus to the fundraiser that night, something Lisbon wasn't exactly looking forward to but had to take seriously.

But as they were waiting for the elevator to head back up to the bullpen Lisbon caught sight of yet another hostile face and she had to stifle a groan. Long ago she had decided that if she never saw SACPD Officer Dave Ryckart again that it would be too soon.

"Agent Lisbon," he greeted her curtly, he wasn't even trying to hide his disdain. Well that just mean she didn't have to either.

"Officer Ryckart, what brings you back to the CBI?" she asked, keeping her voice slightly lukewarm to be polite. She could still see Grace giving her a questioning look out of the corner of her eye.

"I'm head of security tonight at the Fundraiser," Ryckart explained.

Great, another reason to dread tonight then. Lisbon simply nodded instead, "Well the CBI appreciates your work."

He didn't reply but instead looked Grace up and down with a very critical gaze. "I assume you work with Agent Lisbon."

Grace nodded, "I'm Agent Van Pelt," she said nicely and politely held out a hand for him to shake. He didn't accept her offer though.

Ryckart turned back towards Lisbon and shook his head with disgust, "It appears you have quite an influence on her. A pity that the disease is still spreading."

Lisbon had to resist the urge to throttle him right then and there. As it was she couldn't resist cutting in just before getting into the elevator. "I agree with you, after all _you_ are here." She did relish his look of outrage as the doors closed leaving her with the last word.

"What was his problem?" Grace asked, clearly disgusted at Ryckart's behavior.

Lisbon rolled her eyes. "Ryckart is the biggest sexist at the SACPD. He has a problem with women in the workplace…especially those that are superior."

"You're kidding."

She shook her head. "I saw his wife once at an office party a few years ago. Skirts down to her ankles, everything was covered from neck to wrist. It was like walking back into the Victorian era."

"He seems to especially dislike you."

"Well I got in his way once. I reported him for being too harsh with a female witness and he did _not_ take it well. A black mark on his record is bad enough, but coming from a woman…" Lisbon shook her head. "You can see why we don't get along."

Grace nodded. "Sounds like a real asshole."

Lisbon couldn't help but smile as she remembered her run in with Kyle Hathaway and the conversation with Jane. "Apparently today is the day for them."

* * *

><p>The team was busy finishing up the reports for the Lawrence arrest while Jane was being Jane. Lisbon decided it was as good a time as ever to give Wainwright a final update on the case so he could inform Bertram to leave her team alone until the next major case comes up.<p>

Wainwright was in his office; now doubt still looking over the final details for the fundraiser ball, when she knocked on his door. "Agent Lisbon, I hope you come bearing good news."

"We made an arrest, John Lawrence confessed to tampering with the evidence after accepting money from Dunley."

"That is good news, I'll inform Bertram immediately and now we can put this mess behind us. Your team did good work."

"Thank you sir." She peeked over at the mess of paperwork, guest lists and layouts for the plaza. "Preparations for the fundraiser coming along?"

Wainwright smiled sheepishly. "When I took the job as Special Agent in Charge no one told me I would also have to play event organizer for the rich and famous."

That made her smile too. "It's only once a year and it does do a lot of good for the budget. Just make sure to smile and hide how you really feel about them."

"Sounds like you have a lot of practice."

"Well it is mandatory, I've been to enough of them to last me a lifetime." Lisbon grinned back at him. "I'll see you tonight sir."

Lisbon was ready to head back to her office and finish up her own paperwork before preparing for a night of champagne and awkward dancing. As she was walking down the hallway towards her office she was almost bowled over by a stranger to the CBI.

"Oh I'm sorry," the man said and Lisbon looked up to see a tall man with black hair and dark brown eyes. He was very handsome and after looking her over, apparently liked what he saw. "Actually I take that back." That comment couldn't help but make her smile a little which made him all the more happier. "I assume you work here."

She nodded. "I'm Agent Teresa Lisbon and you are…?"

"Jasper Wainwright."

She raised her eyebrows at the last name. "Wainwright…as in Luther Wainwright?"

Jasper smiled. "He is my younger brother." She could see the resemblance now though Jasper had a stronger aura of confidence and power. Just how much more she wasn't entirely sure.

"Well, I can see the resemblance," she commented sweetly, "you must be here to see him."

He nodded but studied her again. "I must say Luther has been very remiss, he never mentioned you."

"Well I doubt he wants to discuss work too much."

"Or would prefer to keep you to himself."

That threw Lisbon for a loop. She had a feeling that he was trying to be flirtatious but she wasn't sure how she felt with him suggesting anything romantic between her and her boss. "Oh I don't know about that," she said and began to search for a way out of this conversation.

"Well Luther might have missed it, he has a tendency to see things differently then I do." Jasper said with a saucy wink. "He's something of the black sheep in the family, going into the admittedly more interesting career of law enforcement. I chose the more financial secure route of business finance."

_Did this guy really just brag about how much money he makes?_ Lisbon thought, her bad opinion of Jasper Wainwright was quickly become solidified.

"But my brother was able to manipulate me into giving a sizable donation tonight so perhaps all hope isn't lost after all."

"Well…uh on behalf of the CBI, I thank you for your donation," Lisbon said lamely, "speaking of which, I really should get back to my job."

Jasper didn't seem to notice or didn't care about her obvious attempt to leave him. "Will you be at the fundraiser tonight?"

"It's mandatory," she replied and immediately regretted not lying.

"Then save me a dance," he said with another wink before striding towards his brother's office.

"Oh I hope not," she muttered to herself before turning around to head back towards her office only to catch sight of Jane. From the very amused expression on his face, he'd seen at least part of that conversation.

"It appears the boss's brother found something he likes," Jane said with a grin.

"How did you know he was Wainwright's brother?"

"Lisbon, please, remember who you are talking to."

"Oh, right," Lisbon said with a groan. She couldn't hope to hide anything when the Amazing Kreskin was her consultant.

Jane glanced back in the direction where Jasper had walked off and cocked his head. "I suppose it would be a bit too scandalous for you to date the boss's brother."

She rolled her eyes. "That's assuming I was the least bit interested in him."

"Good choice, you could do better."

"Thanks for the encouragement," she said dryly. Lisbon was never comfortable talking about her love life with Jane, even if he was only person whose own romantic life was even more pathetic than hers. "While you keep pondering my options, I'll go and get the case closed doughnuts."

Jane grinned again. "Yes the case is closed, who did we arrest again?"

She narrowed her eyes at him and his arrogance before finally admitting. "Fine, you were right. Sanford was innocent."

"I have no idea why you doubt me."

"Well don't get too excited, I'm not convinced about the Squirm Factor." Jane smiled at the joke and she couldn't help but return it. He did have one beautiful smile.

"You might want to be careful Lisbon, you hang out here much longer and your new suitor might show back up." He told her slyly. His smile grew, "at least he has good taste." Jane winked at her before leaving her alone.

She blushed a little, shaking her head with a grin. Jane might be arrogant like Jasper Wainwright but there was a difference. Jane also had certain charm that made her hate and love him all at the same time.

* * *

><p>"If I get a note from the doctor saying I have some contagious disease, do you think the director will excuse me from this thing tonight?" Rigsby asked. Grace grinned at him in amusement.<p>

"Rigsby, it won't be so bad," she said.

"Yes it will," Cho said.

She glowered at him and shook her head. "You don't know. It could be fun."

"Pretentious people, cheap liquor and terrible music," Jane said, "I can hardly wait."

Rigsby chuckled and slapped Jane's hand as he walked past his desk towards the worn, leather couch.

"You know, the three of you are just determined to hate it," Grace said, "You don't want to admit that getting dressed up and going to a party isn't all that bad."

"We're men, Van Pelt," Cho said, "We want beer not champagne."

"Sorry, no beer," Lisbon called out at the entrance to the bullpen, "But I brought doughnuts."

She held up the pink cardboard box, their traditional treat whenever they closed a case. "No pizza today." Lisbon opened the top of the box and let Grace take one doughnut. "Not with the gala tonight."

"Pizza might have been a better idea," Jane said, "It might be the only decent meal we'll get tonight."

She glared at him. "Maybe you don't deserve a doughnut then."

Jane smiled and shrugged. "If you want to be spiteful, then that is your doing. I know you are just bitter because I solved the case."

Lisbon's green eyes flashed and she picked up the only weapon she had available, a soft, sugary doughnut. She aimed for his arrogant grin, but Jane was too quick. He caught the doughnut in one hand and grinned as he took a bite. It was childish, but she couldn't help but stick her tongue out at him. That only made Jane laugh.

"Isn't there an age limit to this fundraiser?" Cho quipped.

Lisbon gave him a pointed glare, but Cho's face was as impassive as ever. Finally she cracked a smile and abandoned the doughnut box on Cho's desk for him and Rigsby to help themselves. She took one and leaned up against Jane's small, and rarely used desk.

"All right, I know all of us would much rather be doing something else than going to the fundraiser tonight, but tough luck. If I have to go, all of you do."

"You're a merciful leader," Jane said.

Lisbon shot him another look and then picked up a pen and hurled it at him. This time it bounced on his chest harmlessly, but making him chuckle again. "So I expect all of you to be there at eight o'clock sharp. Hopefully none of you forgot to rent a tux."

Every eye turned to Rigsby, the only one not grinning. "One time," he said, "I forgot once. And how was I supposed to know it was prom season?"

"At least you did cut quite a figure in that powder blue monstrosity," Jane teased.

The memory of Rigsby wearing a tux reminiscent of the 80's brought on laughter by all except one who hung his head in shame.

"And Jane," she turned to look at him, "Please try and remember that this fundraiser counts for sixty percent of the Bureau's budget so don't embarrass me."

Jane frowned at the offense. "When have I embarrassed you?" She raised her hand to begin her long list of humiliation caused by him, but he cut her off. "At the fundraiser."

"Give it time," she said.

* * *

><p>Capitol Plaza was lit up for the event, as ostentatious as ever. At the base of the steps, Lisbon could hear the music from the band already. She hoped her heels wouldn't be too much of a hindrance on the dance floor, no way could she avoid it unless she hid in the bathroom all night.<p>

She had to gather up the skirt of the satin gown so she wouldn't trip on her way up the steps. Lisbon wasn't very keen on dressing up, but she had fallen in love with the dress when she'd seen it. It was a floor length, green dress with a sweetheart neckline and straps that crossed into an X on her back. It was embellished with a starburst crystal design on the side and matching beads on the straps. Her neighbor's sixteen year old son had let out a whistle when she'd left her apartment that night so she assumed that the dress was a successful choice.

Lisbon rifled through the little silver clutch and pulled out her invitation when she reached the top. The security guard read the slip and crossed out her name on his list. "Welcome, Agent Lisbon."

"Thank you," she said.

She slipped the invitation back into her purse. There was a decorative mirror set up against the wall that revealed one strand of hair had slipped from her simple chignon. She quickly tucked it back into place. When she turned back around to head towards the ballroom, she was stopped short by Officer Ryckart.

"Agent Lisbon," he said, taking a slow sweep of her with his eyes, "I'm surprised, you actually look like a woman tonight."

Lisbon gave him a fake smile. "And you _almost_ look like a man."

She relished his shocked expression and watch it turn into an indignant smolder. It really must hurt to be slammed by a woman.

But Lisbon wasn't one to gloat for long. She brushed past him without another word and slipped into the open double doors. The room was filled with a wide arrays of colors. The men all wore black and white tuxedoes. A few even took it to the extreme and wore white evening gloves, now that was clearly trying to make a statement. Ladies wore every hue of the rainbow and topped it all off with sparkling diamonds, rubies, emeralds other expensive rare gems. If one of them were wearing the Hope Diamond around her neck, Lisbon wouldn't have been surprised. Lisbon was definitely underdressed in that area, the only jewelry she wore was her mother's cross, she wasn't about to trade that for any other gemstone.

Lisbon scanned the crowd for her team. Rigsby was talking with Van Pelt off to the side of the dance floor. With his recent break up, she wondered if perhaps he was hoping to rekindle their past romance. She couldn't decide whether that was a good idea or not, the rules still stood firm. But at the same time, both of them had been through a lot and she knew Van Pelt still regretted her decision.

Cho was talking to one of the narcotics unit guys. She could only begin to guess what they were discussing, maybe the latest office pool.

She spied the familiar blonde curls of Patrick Jane, standing alone and talking to no one. Well she would have to remedy that. She pushed her way through the throng of people, careful to come up from behind him.

"Excuse me, but may I have a glass of champagne?" Jane turned around at her question and she put on an apologetic smile. "Oh I'm sorry, I thought you were a waiter."

Jane grinned and tugged at the lapels of his jacket. "Nicely played, unfortunately I can't make a similar remark." He swept her with his blue-green eyes. "You look stunning, Lisbon."

"I don't look like a green bean?"

"No," he said with a gentle shake of his head, "You're like a jewel."

She couldn't up but blush at the compliment, running her hands over the satin to keep them from sweating. A real waiter passed by and she snagged two glasses of champagne, handing one over to Jane. She took a healthy sip in order to regain her control. Jane had a way of tipping her off balance in different ways. Compliments like this were the most dangerous.

"All right," she said, "Tell me what I need to know?"

"Excuse me?"

"Come on, I know that within five minutes of walking in here you figured out who I'll have to talk to, who I should avoid, the best hiding spots and whether or not the food is good."

Jane smiled and shook his head. "I have no idea what you are talking about." He took a small sip of champagne before adding, "And the canapés are excellent."

"That's all you're going to give me?"

"You should be able to use your finely tuned investigative skills to figure out the rest on your own."

"Hm." She took another sip from her glass. "I'll remember this the next time you need a favor from me."

"Perhaps I'll have to cash in on the many times I've helped you." He winked at her.

Lisbon was immune to his boyish charm, at least at that moment. She gave him a pointed look and then said, "I'm going to mingle now."

"Beware the sharks," he said and saluted her with his glass as she walked away.

She couldn't stop from smiling from his words as she searched the crowd for one of the many people she would have to be nice to tonight. Lisbon had just spotted Wainwright who was off to the side in a deep discussion with a couple of obviously wealthy men, when she was almost bowled over.

The man who'd bumped into her was on the short side, his dark eyes were squinting, the man should have worn his glasses. He didn't look comfortable in his tux either. "I'm sorry," he told her quickly, he was actually blushing a little.

"It's quite all right," she assured him and continued on her way but she did feel his eyes on her. Perhaps the dress was a big hit after all.

Wainwright spotted her as soon as she walked by and he smiled. "Agent Lisbon, you clean up well."

"I could say the same for you," she returned the compliment.

"Bradford," Wainwright addressed the man to this left. "This is Special Agent Teresa Lisbon, she is the leader for the Major Crimes Unit. Her team just happens to have the highest solve rate in the state."

Lisbon blushed a little but was proud of her team's accomplishments. "My team works very hard at what they do," she explained humbly.

Bradford nodded. "I understand your team works with a consultant, he used to be a psychic."

"Patrick Jane is a valuable asset to the CBI," Lisbon told him, very glad that Jane wasn't here to listen to her sing his praises. "His insight is one of the reasons why my team is able to do what they do."

"Well keep up the good work. We all feel safer knowing that the state is in your capable hands."

"Thank you," she told him with a smile before turning her attention back to Wainwright. "Well I'll leave you gentlemen to your conversation, just wanted to let my boss know I was here." She told him slyly before walking away.

Now that was done. Hopefully the conversation with Bertram would be brief and relatively pain free. Lisbon was debating over whether or not she should test out the hors d'oeuvres or get the talk with Bertram over with, when she spotted a less than friendly face.

Kyle Hathaway had his notebook handy and was all ready searching for quotes. She was hoping to find one of the hiding places that Jane had told her to find on her own but he caught her eye before she could turn around. Damn.

"Agent Lisbon," he greeted her, his voice was low and filled with ice. "I'm still hoping for a quote from you."

"I thought we discussed this earlier," she replied.

"Yes but a quote from the head of the Major Crimes Unit would certainly complete my article."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "And perhaps be twisted around to suit your own needs."

"I would only write your words."

Lisbon nodded. "I'm sure you would. But you'll have to excuse me, there are people I like that I have to talk to."

Hathaway's lips frowned and his eyes flashed with anger before he stormed away. She knew why he was angry; he'd lost his chance at procuring some form of revenge. The last time he'd tried to get her to pay the astronomical price for damages to his camera, of course he'd had no case since his camera was damaged after illegally trespassing onto a crime scene.

Well she hadn't met a reporter she'd like yet. It was fitting that one absolutely despised her.

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The hours of the gala passed eventually. Lisbon had managed to speak civilly to Bertram and avoid his attempts to show her off like a prized poodle, he knew better than to try and use Jane. She'd accepted Cho's offer to dance, poor man must have been feeling sentimental or he just liked her dress. Rigsby had managed to tear himself away from Van Pelt to ask her for a dance too though Lisbon did regret accepting that offer, she doubted her toes would ever recover.

Now she was just whittling the hours away before it was a polite time to go home and change into her sweats with some mint chocolate ice cream.

It was time to find the one person who she could share her misery with for the next hour or so. She looked around for Jane's handsome face but spotted Cole Sanford before she could find her friend. Lisbon did her best to smile at him. "Hello Sanford, it's good to see you here," she said politely.

He nodded simply. "I've been hoping to run into you all night, Agent Lisbon."

That surprised her. "Really?"

"I wanted to give you a chance to apologize."

"Excuse me?"

"For your actions towards me this morning," He explained. "I understand that you made an arrest and, lo and behold, it was not me. I thought you would like this opportunity to express your regret for treating me like a suspect."

Lisbon could not believe what she was hearing. This man was ridiculous! "I am sorry to disappoint you, Sanford," she told him tightly, "but I will not apologize for doing my job. You were a viable suspect, I treated you as such and then I eliminated you. End of story."

"You don't think you were a little too harsh?"

"Again it was part of my job. You should know that better than anyone," she replied. "I think we are done here."

"Oh no we are—."

"Agent Lisbon." Her name was spoken in a lazy drawl that sounded slightly inebriated. Lisbon turned around to see Jasper Wainwright giving her a wide grin. He looked her up and down and then back up, settling his eyes ever so briefly on her neckline. Apparently in addition to charm, he also lacked subtlety.

"Hello, Mr. Wainwright," she said diplomatically glancing behind her to see that Sanford had somehow disappeared into the crowd. Well at least she had that to thank Jasper for.

"Call me Jasper."

"Oh I don't know—."

"I insist," He cut in, "Mr. Wainwright is my father and I would prefer not to resemble him too much."

"Well then, Jasper. I would like to thank you again for your contribution," she said. She wanted a way out of this conversation but was trying to avoid a way of being rude.

"Has anyone told you that you look absolutely ravishing this evening?" He asked stepping up very closely to her. She could smell the alcohol on his breath and saw his bloodshot eyes. Apparently he had drunk more than she'd thought.

"Thank you."

Jasper managed to focus his gaze on her eyes. "Tell me, did you bring your boyfriend with you this evening?"

"Um no I uh…"

He smiled giddily. "So you're single."

"Yes, but I—."

"Have you danced this evening?" Before she could reply he'd grabbed her arm and taken two steps onto the dance floor. "I'll have you know that unlike my brother, I know how to dance."

"That's great," Lisbon said and resigned her self to endure one dance with Jasper Wainwright. The last thing she wanted to do was make a scene and draw attention to her self. Better to just grin and bear it.

"I find you a fascinating woman," Jasper whispered hotly against her ear.

"Oh I'm sure I'm not different than anyone else," she mumbled and twisted as far away from him as she could.

The dance wasn't too slow so she wasn't forced to be too close to him but Jasper was insisting on minimum space between them. The man was insufferable and stank of expensive scotch. Lisbon was wondering how her boss could have such an insufferable brother when Jasper managed to catch her by surprise again.

The hand that had been resting on her waist now drifted south to cup her satin covered ass.

Quickly Lisbon reached around to grab his hand in a tight grip, none to gently either. "I'm sorry _Mr. Wainwright_ but I really don't know you well enough for that."

"Can't you have a little fun, Teresa?"

"It's Agent Lisbon," she corrected quickly.

She was never happier for a song to end and she did her best to steer Jasper off of the dance floor. However, Jasper did not share her desire. He remained on the edge of the floor and kept a hand on her arm. "One more dance."

"I don't think so."

"One more won't hurt."

"No thank you."

He tugged on her arm. "You know you want to."

"I really don't."

Before he could fully pull her onto the floor, Lisbon was surprised to see a liberal amount of champagne splash all over his tux. Jane immediately stepped forward and began brushing at the man's coat. "I'm so sorry, how very clumsy at me." But he flashed a smile at Lisbon.

Had he done that on purpose?

Jasper blinked a couple of times at the man before shaking his head. "It's all right." His words came out slightly slurred.

"Still, you'll want to clean that up." Jane insisted, "The restroom is just that way." He pointed to the alcove across the room.

"Yeah," Jasper said a little unsteadily. "I guess I should."

Lisbon breathed a sigh of relief as he walked away and then gave Jane the biggest smile she had. "Thank you. Really, thank you. He was a little too friendly and _more_ than a little drunk."

"Oh I'm sure you could have handled him on your own."

"Yes but I'd prefer not having to punch my boss's brother at the biggest fundraiser of the year," she reminded with him another smile. "Thanks for intervening."

Jane grinned. "Just another favor you'll owe me."

"Actually I think it cancels out you not helping me earlier this evening," Lisbon said, "so I guess that makes us even."

"I suppose we could leave it at that," Jane agreed.

Lisbon smiled and then let out a sigh. "Ugh this night has just been a complete mess of horrible people and fake smiles. Jasper Wainwright's drunken misadventure really set it straight."

"While his inebriation was all himself, I do have to pity the man," Jane stated. When she gave him a confused look he just grinned. "Any man would act like a complete fool around you tonight."

"Does that mean you're a fool?"

"No, but I'm not just any man am I?" he shot back.

"Nope, you're Patrick Jane, bane of my existence."

He laughed and shook his head. Lisbon was really enjoying their playful banter and took the time to appreciate how beautiful Jane looked when he laughed. His eyes were filled with a certain light that made his already enchanting features even more attractive. Now in a tux with the soft light of the ballroom on him, the man was an Adonis really.

The band switched to a much slower song and the mood on the dance floor shifted dramatically. Now couples held each other close, swaying softly to the music. This was the time where the romantically involved snuck in a soft kiss. Lisbon watched calmly from the edge of the floor, she was used to being the wallflower.

Then Jane gently nudged her with his shoulder, she met his eyes and he was smiling a sweet smile. "What?" Lisbon asked. He still smiled and sort of gestured towards the dance floor, that's when she knew exactly what he was offering. "Oh no, no we couldn't."

"Why not? You accepted Cho's offer and you let Rigsby step on your toes," Jane pointed out, "It's not like I haven't danced with you before."

That was true. She'd danced with him at that high school reunion but this time it was different. She didn't know exactly why. Maybe it was because she was wearing a fancy dress that had no back to it. But she had danced with the rest of her team when they had offered out of courtesy, if she refused Jane…well that would be sending a message. She didn't know exactly what kind of message but she didn't want to risk it.

"You won't embarrass me will you?"

Jane grinned, "No more than Rigsby's pathetic attempt at dancing."

Even she had to smile at that. Rigsby was a sweetheart with two left feet. "All right," she said and accepted his hand to be led out onto the floor.

It was a slow dance so Lisbon found herself pressed up against Jane; her small hand clasped in his much larger one. She felt his other hand up against the small of her back, his fingertips touching her bare skin. She had her hand resting on the back of his shoulder; her head was cradled up against his cheek. Lisbon could smell the musky scent of his skin mingled with a hint of his cologne. Jane smelled like warmth and comfort, like a soft blanket that still held onto the scent of its owner.

She'd been this close to him before. They had hugged once or twice; they had danced just like this. Except now there was bare skin, just a little, but enough to make her fully aware that if she just turned her head a fraction to the side, she could touch the warm skin of his neck with her lips.

Suddenly Lisbon was feeling very hot, a glow that spread through her body that was still pressed up against Jane. Her heart was slamming against her ribs so fast, so hard. There was palpable electricity in the moment as they continued to slowly sway to the music.

Her heart. He could certainly feel it in the erratic pulse at her wrist and of course the tattoo under her breast that was pressed up against him. Jane must know how this was affecting her.

That thought made her tense immediately. She wanted to flee and must have moved back just a bit. Jane's grip on her back and her hand tightened, not much, but enough so she knew that he wouldn't release her yet.

But now her cheek was against his. She could feel the smooth skin of his cheek; he must have shaved before coming. The scent of his cologne was slightly stronger now; she took in a breath and let the smell of Jane wash over her. Lisbon closed her eyes and indulged herself in the moment, just allowed herself to become lost in the scent and feel of Patrick Jane.

The song ended and they both stopped. She opened her eyes again and took a step back, only to become lost in Jane's blue-green gaze.

Their eyes were locked on one another and for a moment Lisbon couldn't think of anything else, her mind was completely blank as she stared at him. What was this? She wanted to ask him what he felt, what this meant. But she couldn't do that. She wasn't going to risk their friendship seeking answers that would probably only hurt them both.

Lisbon recovered her wits slowly. She stepped away from Jane, removing her hand from his and shook her head. "I'm uh…I'm going to go get some air," she told him.

Jane nodded and didn't stop her from leaving. She was grateful for that. The best thing for them to do was to forget about that electric charged moment. And, of course, never make the mistake of dancing with each other ever again.

She found the side exit and walked out into the warm night air. Lisbon took a few deep breaths, walking towards one of the large windows that framed the ballroom. She looked inside to see the crush of people, talking, drinking, and of course, dancing. Rigsby was in the corner, chatting with the secretary from the organized crime unit, probably hoping to score a phone number. Poor Van Pelt was trapped by two of the men from forensics; she looked a little desperate. And Cho was standing with Jane now. Jane was holding onto a champagne flute, taking a liberal sip from it. He nodded his head to something that Cho said; he was recovering from their dance obviously. That was good.

If only she could pretend to be that normal.

Her emotions swirled around inside of her. Jane was a mess; actually he was a hell of a lot more than that, beyond any adjective or description. It would be easier if he wasn't so damn attractive but no, God had blessed him with both hands. How many times had she caught herself in the fantasy of running her fingers through his wild blonde curls, of imagining his large skilled hands touching her skin? Somehow she knew it would be amazing, everything with Jane was.

But those were just fantasies created by attraction and unresolved tension. The line had been drawn a long time ago; flirting was as far as they had ever gone towards crossing that line. She'd made the decision never to go over it and she'd never regretted that choice…except times like these made her want to break those rules. It was stupid, Jane didn't want to go that way either, that much was clear. It was better to just keep on like they have been; friends and co-workers that never acknowledged the underlying pull between them. Jane was already moving past it, she should do the same immediately.

She would go in there and cheerfully say her goodbyes to her team. She'd been at the ball long enough, no need to stay in these torture devices known as shoes any longer. Lisbon took another look at her friends through the window, just to see them.

Then a firm strong hand gripped the side of her head and slammed her up against the brick wall.

Pain exploded her senses and Lisbon was completely stunned. She fell to the ground in a heap of dark green satin as she tried to recover her breath and her thoughts. Before she could react the same strong hand wrapped around her waist, pinning her arms to her side, the other pulling on her hair as he dragged her away from the window.

She began to struggle, trying to loosen the firm grip he had around her. She needed to get her hands free so she could do some damage of her own. He paused for a moment in his steps and Lisbon used that opportunity to gain some footing. She braced her legs so that maybe she could get one of her arms free or stand up high enough so she could slam her head back into his face. He let go of her hair suddenly and she raised her head to do just that. But then a solid blow crushed her stomach and chest.

Lisbon felt the air leave her lungs in a painful gasp. She heaved but couldn't seem to get any air in to scream, it came out more like a strangled choke. Her attacker pulled her roughly again and she tried to kick, her left shoe slipped from her foot as he continued to drag her away.

He tossed her roughly onto the concrete; her head fell against the sidewalk with a hard smack. She used the momentum to roll herself onto her stomach so she could get up but he threw himself on top of her, his weight pressing her down on the ground, keeping her from drawing a full breath.

Lisbon kicked him as hard as she could; she tried for the groin but only managed to get to his stomach. He let out a low grunt but didn't loosen his grip her. Instead he slammed her head down onto the ground again.

She cried out in pain and momentarily stopped struggling. That gave him time to roughly turn her over and straddle her hips. Lisbon felt the rush of panic as she realized that she was in possibly the worst position to be in. She tried to claw at his arms and face but he didn't seem fazed by it. Instead he punched her across the face. He gripped her head in both of his hands and slammed her head down once more.

This time Lisbon felt a heavy fog drift over her; the edges of her mind began to go completely blank. She was vaguely aware that she was still struggling but her movements were weak, she didn't know what she was doing anymore.

But she knew what was happening.

She opened her mouth to scream but he stuffed one fist in her mouth while his other hand began to rip at her dress.

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Jane was ready to leave. He'd done his civic duty, shaken hands, drank a little champagne and sampled the hors d'oeuvres. He'd managed to avoid Bertram for the entire evening and he hadn't upset any major donors so Lisbon would be happy, all in all it had been a very successful evening for him.

But he was tired of the fake smiles, the idle chitchat and the terrible crush of people. The rest of the team looked as uncomfortable as he felt so he was ready to say goodbye and get home. Jane walked towards his friends who were now standing in a group, Grace was nursing one more glass of champagne and the two men kept glancing towards the exit.

He smiled when he reached them. "Well the food is good, the music was okay but I'm ready to call it a night."

"You're leaving?" Rigsby asked even though it was superfluous.

Jane just grinned, "I want to go before the bar runs out of alcohol and mob rule descends."

Grace pulled him in for a shallow hug. "I'll see you tomorrow, Jane." She grinned a little, "but I'll miss the tux."

"Well you wear that tomorrow and I'll keep the tux," he teased. She was lovely wearing a muted red evening gown but it certainly wasn't appropriate attire for catching criminals.

He shook hands with Rigsby and Cho, exchanging pleasant goodbyes but his eyes searched the room for their absent leader. "Have you seen Lisbon?"

All three of them shook their heads. "She might have left already," Rigsby offered. But that excuse didn't sit well with Jane, Lisbon wouldn't have left before saying goodbye. Even if she was avoiding him because of their dance earlier, she'd have wanted to say something to the rest of her team before she left.

Jane continued to look around for Lisbon but he wasn't worried, she might still be out getting fresh air or had run to the restroom. He would find her in the crowd eventually.

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He was gone.

Lisbon didn't know when he'd left. One moment she could still feel his hot breath on face and the next she was completely alone. How long had she been lying on the ground? It didn't matter. He was gone now.

She rolled over onto her stomach ready to brace herself up with her hands but she couldn't seem to move her left wrist. Instead she groped for the wall and used it to pull herself up to her feet slowly.

The parking lot was nearby. She needed to get to her car. She could go home and clean herself up. All she needed to do was get to her car.

She took a step towards the lot but her knees buckled and she had to brace herself against the wall again. Something was wrong with her, but it couldn't be bad, she didn't feel any pain. Actually she didn't feel much of anything at the moment.

Lisbon took another slow step and this time kept her footing.

Her car, she needed it. She needed to get home.

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Jane stepped outside of the ballroom, grateful to finally be away from the crowd of people. It was late and no doubt in another hour or so they would all be trickling out to leave. He hadn't been able to find Lisbon to say goodbye but it wasn't a big deal, he'd see her tomorrow. It was important to reestablish the boundaries of their friendship; he certainly didn't want anything weird to come between them.

He stepped into the parking lot ready to head in the direction of his car and fumbled for his keys. But he stopped when he saw a drop of blood on the sidewalk.

It was fresh.

He looked up to see a smear of blood on the car that was parked by it; the distinct impression of a handprint was obvious on the glass. Someone had been bleeding a lot and had used the car for support. The blood hadn't dried yet; they were close.

Jane followed the direction of the trail, more drops of blood a few feet away from the car. There was more blood on the hood of another car that Jane noticed as he turned down the aisle.

That was when he saw the woman stumbling next to a BMW. She was missing a shoe and her evening dress was torn. Jane hurried his steps to get closer to her. When he did his heart plummeted and he felt sick to his stomach.

"Lisbon?"

Lisbon was still trying to find her car but she couldn't remember where she had left it. Everything looked the same now, a blurry haze of streetlights and darkness. But she needed to get home. Everything would be better when she got home.

She heard the footsteps and immediately thought that he was back. She didn't stop walking, but she knew that he would win again. She didn't have the strength to fight now; she was just so tired.

_ "Lisbon?"_

Jane's voice had a strange echo to her ears. This was bad; she didn't want him to see her like this. She needed to get home and clean up.

But she turned towards his voice.

The painful pit in Jane's stomach tightened to an agonizing knot when Lisbon finally turned to face him.

One strap of her dress was broken and dangled down her chest. Her left arm hung limp at her side but was covered with dark angry bruises. Her face was covered with streaks of blood and damp hair, her right eye was swollen and no doubt would close completely soon. Her hair had fallen from her clip and was now a mess of tangles and drying blood. But her eyes were large and vacant; he'd never seen her look so empty.

"Jane…I…I need to find…my car," she barely whispered, stepping again unsteadily. She looked around searching.

Jane was standing completely stunned, his mouth open in a silent gasp of horror. She didn't like seeing him like this, she didn't like that he was looking at her like that. "Home," she told him, "I just need…to go…"

She stepped again but lost her footing. She tried to grab onto the nearby car to catch herself. Instead she fell into a warm embrace. Jane cradled her in his arms, hooking one arm beneath her knees. She was floating away and she didn't know where. She didn't care.

Her head was resting against his neck and she smelled him again. The same wonderful scent of cologne and his skin, he smelled good, he smelled like comfort.

Jane carried her away from the parking lot and back to the sidewalk. He needed to get her out of the street. Once that was accomplished, he knelt down but kept her cradled against him. He fumbled around in his pocket with one hand until he found his cell phone. He punched in 911 and waited impatiently for the operator to answer. As soon as they did Jane said, "My friend was attacked, I need an ambulance at Capitol Plaza."

He didn't wait to hear anything else, he didn't care; he just hung up his phone.

"Oh my God!" Jane turned his head to see Brenda Shettrick gaping at them. She would be spreading the word quickly about what she was seeing no doubt, he could use that to his advantage.

"Get security," He told her harshly.

"Is that Agent Lisbon?"

"Just get security," Jane cut in her, his voice was stern and short, "And tell her team." She just continued to stare at Lisbon who was battered and quiet in his arms. "Now!"

That finally spurred Brenda into action. She half ran back towards the building. In a moment there would be a flood of people coming out to see what had happened, the ambulance would come and alert everyone.

But right now they were alone.

Lisbon held onto him, her hand clutching around his neck with a weak but firm grip. A small whimper escaped her lips. "Jane?"

He pulled her closer against him and whispered softly into her hair. "Shhhh, it's okay. Everything will be okay."

It was a lie.

Nothing would be okay again.

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><p>AN: Next chapter explores the fall out to the attack. Expect a lot more pain and angst from our characters and things will only go downhill from there. Chin up, they'll find their light again, but the journey is where the drama is.

Chapter 2 is about 95% of the way written so you can be guaranteed that an update will come soon but reviews always make us type faster so hit that little button and tell us what you think.


	2. Aftermath

Disclaimer: We own absolutely nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Well this is a record, a new chapter the day after posting the first! Well I did say that we had most of it written already didn't I? I'd like to thank each and every person who reviewed this story. I was so nervous when I posted this because it is so different than anything else I'd ever done, I was afraid people wouldn't want to read it. I'm so glad I was wrong. I love you guys so much so this one is for you!

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: We do indeed love reviews and I'm glad you're all enjoying this. Angst is a big seller it looks like. Don't worry, it won't all be angst. But this chapter is chock full of it since now you get to see just what happened to Lisbon. It isn't pretty.

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><p>Chapter 2: Aftermath<p>

Lisbon's team followed the ambulance to the hospital. Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt had all rushed outside as soon as Brenda had found them but they only got to see Lisbon being loaded up into the ambulance. They hadn't gotten a good look. They didn't know the full extent of the damage Lisbon's attacker had wrought.

But Jane did.

He rushed into the hospital ready to find out where Lisbon was being treated. A friendly looking nurse looked at him from behind the desk. Her eyes were wide and troubled when she asked, "Sir, are you all right? Do you need to see a doctor?"

It took him a moment to realize what she was talking about. His clothes were covered in blood, but none of it was his.

Jane shook his head, "No, I'm fine…I uh, brought my friend in."

She understood and gave him a slow nod. Before he could ask where she was, the three other members of the team burst in through the door.

"Jane!" They all exclaimed at once.

"What happened?" Rigsby asked, "Shettrick said she was hurt."

He just shook his head. "She was attacked. I found her in the parking lot."

"Did she say who did this?" Cho inquired.

"No, she wasn't in any kind of state to." That was an understatement. Jane had never seen Lisbon in a delirious state of shock before; it was a side of her that he hoped he never had the misfortune of seeing again.

"How did this happen?" Grace asked; her voice was heavy with emotion.

None of them knew the answer to that, least of all Jane. Lisbon had always been a pillar of strength and power. She was the indestructible one. It was unbelievable that she would be reduced to this, that someone could actually hurt her.

That didn't matter now though.

Jane ignored the question and stepped over to the same woman who he had spoken to before his friends had come in. "Excuse me, we're here for Teresa Lisbon."

The woman nodded, "I can check on her status." A few taps on the keys and she was pulling up a digital file on their friend. "She's been checked in and her injuries are being assessed. As soon as that's over they will let the Forensic Nurse do her job."

"We're with the CBI." Cho stepped forward and flashed his badge. "We need to get her statement on what happened to her tonight." Jane knew that was not necessarily the case but what was the use of a badge if you couldn't use it for your own ends sometimes.

"I'll let you know when you can see her."

Now all they could do was wait. At the moment that was probably the hardest thing they could do. The minutes ticked away slowly. Rigsby was the only one not sitting down; he kept pacing by their seats. The other people in the waiting room watched the four of them with curious eyes. Their gaze fell to Jane more often though, no doubt wondering where the blood on his clothes had come from.

Their waiting was interrupted when Wainwright entered the room. "Have they said anything?"

Cho shook his head. "We're still waiting for a report."

Wainwright sighed heavily and ran a hand over his face. "This is a nightmare." That really was an apt description of what had happened. He kept his gaze steady with the whole team. "Protocol says that you need to stay far away from this investigation." All four of them tensed immediately at his words but he held up a hand to stop them. "But I know that none of you are going to listen. So I'm pulling in some strings. Agent Cho, you'll take the lead on this case. I know you will do all you can to find this man.

"The scene is secure, but no one is touching anything until you get there. Talk to Agent Lisbon, get her statement and then process the scene. Everyone wants this guy caught and off the streets as soon as possible."

It was the one bit of good news they had heard yet. At least this time they wouldn't have to stoop down to subterfuge to get a case done. Rules wouldn't have stopped them but it definitely helped being able to use the full force of the law instead of having to work around it.

Wainwright glanced down at his phone. "I have to get back. Bertram is taking a beating with the press and guests at the fundraiser are scared. But call me when you have something, I want to know Lisbon's condition as soon as possible."

Then he was gone. That was fine; this was a family matter anyways.

It must have been at least another hour before a doctor walked in and spoke to the nurse behind the desk. She pointed towards their little group and they all knew immediately that answers were finally coming.

"You're here about Ms. Lisbon?"

"Yes we are," Cho said.

The doctor nodded. "Well she's awake and lucid. We're going to run an MRI to be sure, but I don't think her head injuries are too severe though she does have a moderate concussion. Her wrist was broken and she'll need stitches on her arm and her head but all in all she was very lucky."

That was not a word Jane would ever attribute to something like this.

"Can we see her?" Grace asked quickly.

"She's on the third floor," the doctor replied, "room 311, but I should warn you, she doesn't look like herself."

That was all they needed. It was a mad dash to the elevator and an impatient wait for it to reach the third floor before they scrambled down the hallway. Lisbon was in a private room, away from the floor desk.

She looked up as soon as she heard the door open and she gave them a very small trembling smile.

It was a hard sight to see.

The dried blood had been cleaned off but her face and neck were mottled with red and purple bruises. Her eye was swollen shut now and her hair hung limp around her. Her left arm was wrapped tightly in a thick layer of bandages; a cast would be put on later. Jane could hear the sharp intake of breath from his companions. They knew what they would see but it still didn't prepare them for the reality. It took everything Jane had not to lose it himself.

"It…it was an interesting party," Lisbon spoke, breaking the silence with her dry quip. She was trying set the tone; to make them all know she was fine. She wasn't fooling Jane.

None of them laughed but they did relax just a bit. "Yeah it was," Rigsby replied softly.

Cho focused his gaze on her. "Can you tell us what happened?"

Lisbon let out a long sigh and closed her good eye. "Um I went outside to get some air. Someone came up behind me, I…I was taken by surprise."

"Did you recognize him?"

She shook her head. "It was dark, I never got a look at his face. But he was tall, white, short hair. Ummm he was wearing dark pants and a white shirt…a bow tie, I remember feeling a bow tie." Lisbon drew in a shaky breath. "I fought him, I know I scratched him. I know I did that."

"Did he say anything?"

"No," Lisbon said. A tear slipped from her eye and began a solitary tract down her cheek. "He never said a word."

Rigsby stepped forward. "We'll find him boss." He put a hand on her shoulder and Lisbon flinched. Her body became rigid and tense. She nodded, scooting forward so that Rigsby had to pull his hand away.

Jane never took his eyes off of her.

"I'll be okay," Lisbon told them calmly, "really. This is a good hospital and I've been through worse."

That was a lie.

But the rest of the team accepted it, they wanted to believe what she was saying, that it was a lot simpler than it really was. "We're going to process the scene," Cho said, "We'll come back tomorrow to get your official statement."

"Okay." None of them moved for a long moment so she smiled once more. "I'll be fine. You can go, now."

Jane was still keeping his gaze focused on her.

Cho was the first to file out of the room. Rigsby and Grace followed him. Jane still watched her and Lisbon's smile fell slowly when he refused to look away. He left the room after the rest of the team but they were just standing outside, he closed the door.

"Van Pelt," Cho began, "stay here with Lisbon. Bring the evidence that the Forensic Nurse collects to the CBI. Call us if anything changes."

"Of course." Grace was happy to take over that duty, she was more than willing to watch over their boss and friend.

"We'll head over to process the scene now," Cho continued, "we'll update you when we have something."

Rigsby and Cho turned to do just that but Jane didn't move with them. "I'll catch up with you," Jane told them. They didn't question him; no one questioned Jane's motives much on anything anymore.

That was two, one more.

He smiled softly at Grace. "I think Lisbon would like some coffee, it would probably do her some good, and you too."

Grace studied him for a moment but chose, like the others, to keep her questions to herself. "All right."

Jane waited until she was gone before reentering Lisbon's room.

She didn't look surprised to see him come in again; she met his eyes only briefly though and tried to smile. "I'm fine, Jane, really."

He didn't say anything but focused his gaze on her once more. His face was grave; he wanted her to know that lies weren't going to work.

Lisbon shrugged and tried again. "It looks worse than it is."

"Oh we both know that isn't true."

The full meaning of his words hit her quickly. Her fake smile and cheerful look fell away to fear and shame. She couldn't look at him anymore; she focused on a spot on the wall beside him. "I'll be fine."

"No," Jane replied, his voice was hard and firm, "not like this."

Another tear fell down her cheek and she shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it, Jane."

It didn't matter what she wanted, this was about what she needed. "I know what happened, Lisbon." She still didn't look at him, even when he stepped closer so he was standing by her bed. "You have to tell them the truth." She shook her head again. "No, Lisbon, you cannot hide this from them. They will find out, you know this isn't something you can keep quiet." He stopped for a moment, hesitant to actually say the words. He didn't want to push her, not when she was already in so much pain. But he had to.

"If you don't say something, I will," Jane said firmly, "this is not something I will keep to myself."

Lisbon met his gaze once more. He could see it. She was afraid and hurt but most of all she was ashamed. Ashamed that this had happened to her, that she had been caught off guard and abused so terribly. She was a cop.

She wasn't supposed to be the victim.

He hoped that she could see the truth in his eyes. That keeping this to herself would only hurt her more. She needed to let them know everything so that they could find the man who did this. She didn't want to be one of the many who kept silent; those women only caused themselves even more pain in the end, even if they never spoke of it.

The silence that stretched between them was interrupted by the Forensic Nurse coming in. "Oh," the older woman with a kind face and salt and pepper hair said, "I'm sorry, should I come back later."

"No," Jane told her, "I was just leaving."

The nurse smiled and stepped into the room. "I'm Wendy and I understand that you are an officer so I'm sure you know what's going to happen." Lisbon nodded slowly but the woman still explained. "I'll take some pictures and collect your clothing for evidence."

Jane was still standing in the doorway, still watching her with his focused eyes. Wendy stepped over to the table where Lisbon's clothing had been set aside after she had been put in the hospital gown. "I see only one shoe."

"I uh…lost it, it's still at the scene." Lisbon explained.

Wendy nodded and continued the inventory, placing the shoe in an evidence bag and carefully folding Lisbon's now ruined dress into another larger one. She froze and turned back to Lisbon. "I don't see any underwear. I have a bra but no underwear."

Lisbon began to tremble and she wiped away the tears that fell slowly. Wendy was not unobservant. She walked over slowly but decided not to touch Lisbon. Instead she asked very softly, "Do I need to get a SAFE kit, dear?"

There was a long moment of silence. Lisbon wasn't looking at Wendy. She was looking at Jane.

He waited calmly for her answer.

Finally Lisbon nodded slowly and simply whispered, "Yes."

Jane didn't smile but he hoped she knew that he was proud of her. Instead he just nodded his head in return and backed out of the room.

He swallowed hard as he made his way down the hallway and into the elevator. He had the vessel all to himself, which was something he was grateful for. Jane ran a shaky hand through his hair and used these few moments to try and compose himself.

He'd known.

He'd known as soon as he saw her what had happened. But to have her finally say the words just made it all real. Over the years he had the fear that Lisbon would be harmed, but it was always at the hands of Red John. He never imagined that someone else would hurt her like this.

He never thought she would be raped.

* * *

><p>It was after midnight, but Capitol Plaza was still lit up when Jane pulled into the parking lot. Squad cars were everywhere, casting blue and red shadows over the other parked cars and people. Yellow crime scene tape sectioned off pieces of the lot to show where sanctioned officials could enter and where guests and press could stay the hell out of. Jane had to flash his CBI I.D. to an officer in order to be allowed past the security.<p>

On the steps of the Plaza, Bertram was surrounded by an army of reporters scribbling down his statement and flashing pictures. There was very little he could actually say, only that an agent was attacked and they are confident that the perpetrator would be caught. He didn't know many details, especially not the most important one.

Jane ducked under the tape and walked towards where the forensics guys were photographing the sidewalk. Lisbon's blood was now being numbered, photographed and forever imprinted into a case file.

"Look, we already gave our statement," a man said in a strained voice. Jane looked and saw that Rigsby was standing beside a silver Jaguar. The man was in his mid forties with a scantily clad date, likely his trophy for the evening. He had the lady's arm linked through his while his free hand held his car keys. "We don't know anything about what happened. Can we please just get our car and go?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but everything beyond this tape is considered a part of the crime scene," Rigsby said. The hand that was clenched around the flashlight suggested that Rigsby was not in the mood to argue.

"We paid to come to this function," the man said, "we gave your Bureau our donation, is this the thanks we receive for it?"

"Sir, I need you to leave now."

"For the love of God, it's not like anyone was murdered."

Jane saw the flashlight quiver in Rigsby's grip. Even in the unreliable light of the streetlamps, he could see Rigsby's patient look turn into one of outrage. He turned the light to the silver Jaguar, fixing it on the smear of blood on the hood where Lisbon must have used to steady herself. "Do you see that? That's my friend's blood. She was attacked not far from here while you were drinking and dancing. Your car is evidence now, so just call a damn cab and get the hell out of here."

Jane couldn't have said it better himself.

The man let out a scoffing sound and tugged his date away, muttering something about talking to Rigsby's superior about this. This guy had no idea that in a case like this the superior wouldn't give a damn about his hurt feelings.

"Hey," Rigsby said when he saw him, "How's she doing?"

"As well as can be expected," Jane said. Not well at all was what that meant.

"Jane," Cho called out and Jane saw that he was a few yards ahead of Rigsby. "Is this where you found her?"

Jane's feet felt leaden as he forced himself to walk the several paces to Cho's location. He stood in the exact spot he was before when he'd seen Lisbon's battered form stumbling away from him. He nodded. "She was right there." He pointed to a spot Cho had marked up where blood stained the blacktop. "I called her name and when she turned around she told me she was trying to find her car." He looked away from the blood, staring at the streetlights instead. "She was in shock. She had no idea what she was doing."

Cho nodded and then gestured to his right. "She came from that way. We're still following the blood, but it will take a while since we have to mark and process every drop."

Patience wasn't something Jane was known for. Let the forensics boys do that job. He was going to find where it all happened a lot faster than them.

He turned around and headed back towards the front of the building. "Jane?" Cho called after him, "Jane, where are you going?"

He didn't answer. He knew they would follow him so there wasn't any need for a response. Jane lifted the tape and threw it over his head as he made his way towards the stairs. He veered right of the crowd, hoping they would be too busy being nosy and irritating to notice him.

"Ah, and there is man who found her," Bertram said, "Our consultant, Mr. Patrick Jane. Jane, can you comment on what happened?"

He just bounded past him, ignoring the inquiries of the man-eating reporters and the demands of the buffoon of a director. He opened the door and stepped back into the foyer. Here was where the lingering guests were being questioned by security and other CBI agents. Lisbon's team was heading her case, but it was a joint investigation with all of the units at the moment.

Jane maneuvered around the onlookers and entered the ballroom. The band was gone and the cleaning had yet to begin so the tables were still cluttered with dishes and champagne flutes. He stopped in the middle of the floor where he had been with Lisbon only a few hours ago.

"Jane, what are you doing?" Rigsby asked while both he and Cho stopped just a few feet short of him.

"I'm retracing her steps," Jane explained. He put one finger to his lips as he thought back to that dance. It had just been a spur of the moment decision of his. He knew she wanted to dance and he hadn't had any objections. But this dance had been different from the one before at that high school reunion. For some reason this had been far more intimate. She had felt that shift in the wind.

"We danced," he said to his teammates. He remembered that when the song had ended Lisbon had been blushing, her breaths quick and short. She had stepped away from him and looked towards the exit, her escape. "She said she wanted to get some air."

Jane took the same path Lisbon had, leaving the ballroom through a side exit. Now he was back outside with a perfect view of the lower floor of the ballroom through the window. She probably stood right here and looked inside, trying to sort out her thoughts. Lisbon was the kind of woman who feared emotions she couldn't control. She would have come out here to collect herself and then return to the fray.

"She was alone here," he said, "She didn't have a gun and she was caught off guard. He saw this. He used this to his advantage."

There was a shiny, dark spot on the red brick wall. Jane looked closer and nodded. "It started here." He pointed to the spot of blood with one strand of dark brown hair glued to it. "He slammed her head up against the wall to stun her."

A few leaves from the bush had been pulled free of their branches and lay on the grass. He could see some of the grass was bent over or even pulled free from the earth. "She fell and he dragged her this way."

"Jane, we have to mark this," Rigsby said, but Jane kept walking. "Jane!"

"He had her subdued," Jane continued, "She couldn't fight him much." The squashed grass ended at the sidewalk, but the recent rain had left the ground moist and easily attachable to anyone who stepped in it. He could see the uneven dirt trail left by the bastard's footprints and Lisbon's heels.

"He stopped here," Jane pointed to the spot. "She started to struggle." There was some scuffed green residue left from one of Lisbon's shoes on the concrete and a tuft of her brown hair torn from the roots. "He must have subdued her again."

Jane felt cold as he stood in the same spot Lisbon's attacker had been. But it had to be done. He forced himself to take the mind of this brutal man and scan the horizon for his perfect spot. It only took a moment and then he pointed. "This way."

He stepped off the sidewalk and saw one of Lisbon's green heels was tucked against the curb. "Rigsby, Cho, it's her shoe."

The two men knelt down and Rigsby put a yellow marker next to it. They had obviously decided to hold off on pictures until Jane was done. Jane continued down around the Plaza until he was in the alley between that back of the kitchens and the Italian restaurant next door.

He stood at the mouth of the alley and took it all in. There was a green dumpster next to one wall. Broken beer bottles, crushed soda cans and other filth was scattered throughout the sidewalk. But now the crown jewel of this crap pile was the blood that was smeared all over the concrete.

"It happened here," Jane said. He didn't say it to Rigsby and Cho; they had eyes and could see for themselves. His words were just meant to fully ingrain the spot in his mind. Now when he closed his eyes, this horrible little place would join the many pieces of Hell that haunted his nightmares.

"Good Lord," Rigsby said in a gasp.

Cho surveyed the scene with his own critical eyes, searching out the little details he would need for his report. "She fought," he said, "She fought hard."

Jane nodded. He stepped towards the blood, kneeling down so he could get a closer look. "He slammed her head on the ground several times. He knew she would fight with everything she had so he had to make her submit."

"Do you think she was unconscious?" Rigsby asked. He actually sounded hopeful that maybe she had been in a merciful sleep while the man pounded on her.

Jane shook his head. "He wanted her to be aware of what was going on. This was personal."

Cho and Rigsby started laying out markers and making notes. Jane just stared at the sticky blood. It seemed like a lot, but he knew most of it had been smeared during her struggles. She had tried, she had tried but he had been too powerful. It shattered his heart knowing that Lisbon had stayed here in this alley, helpless and alone as she endured the ultimate suffering.

"I think this is part of her dress," Cho said. That brought Jane back into the world.

He stood up and glanced around the alley again for more clues. Perhaps a cufflink, a torn sleeve, a wallet if Lisbon's God was merciful.

He wasn't.

There, tucked next to the dumpster on the wall next to the Plaza was another scrap of fabric. Jane felt his blood freeze in his veins. His hands prickled as if touched by ice. But he was compelled to move forward until he stood over this terrible thing.

The panties were black satin with a lace edge to them. Some of the lace had been plucked from the stitches and worked as a sort of ragged tail. One side of the panties had been torn straight through, making them much easier to remove.

Jane was certain his face was white and he could feel his whole body shaking. He had known when he had seen her that this had happened, but to see this undeniable piece of evidence made it feel completely fresh. Here, in this dirty patch of unholy ground, Lisbon had been raped.

A part of Jane wanted pick the panties up and shove them into his pocket. They were never there. It never happened. She was only beaten by some enraged lunatic, nothing more. But this fantasy could never come true.

Lisbon had shown her courage and admitted her violation to the Forensic Nurse. Even if he spared her this small bit of dignity, the others would learn of the truth. He had meant what he had said; he couldn't keep this to himself.

But he couldn't bring himself to say the word 'rape' to them. His throat sealed that evil word, refusing to let it be born.

"Rigsby," he said, his voice flat and completely colorless. A part of him had just died and his voice showed it. "You'll have to bag this."

"What?" Rigsby said from behind him. Jane kept his eyes on the evidence. He couldn't look away.

Rigsby's feet shuffled up behind him and then stopped. He took in a sharp breath, but it never came out of his chest. Cho came up on Jane's other side and peered down as well. He seemed to have stop breathing entirely.

"Are those her…?" Rigsby couldn't bear to finish it.

Jane nodded.

"No," Rigsby whispered, "God, no."

The three of them just stared down at the panties in silence. That torn piece of fabric spoke volumes to them. It whispered how much she had suffered and screamed out the agony she was still in. It told them that this wasn't over, that it might never be over.

Cho finally turned away. He took three steps forward and then slammed his fist into the side of the dumpster, the metal gonged out in protest. Jane and Rigsby could only stand there. There was nothing they could do for him.

"Should—should we call the hospital?" Rigsby asked.

Jane shook his head. "They already know." Now he saw Cho was rubbing the back of his hand, flexing the sore fingers. "How's your hand?"

"It's fine."

"You should get that checked out."

"I'm fine."

Jane didn't want to argue with him. He knew Rigsby would make sure he attended to the injury. Besides, it was likely nothing more than badly bruised knuckles. Jane wanted to care more, he really did, but everything felt numb to him. His body was functioning normally, but his mind was partly shut down. He could only think in small, simple thoughts. He just didn't want to imagine Lisbon's torment.

Jane walked back to the blood smears, now marked by his teammates. "She fought him so she would have left some marks. Scratched his face and arms no doubt. His clothes would be torn and bloody."

"Jane," Rigsby said, "_Your_ clothes."

"Hmm?"

"They're evidence."

Jane glanced down at his rented tux. The white shirt was badly stained with Lisbon's blood, from the collar down to the belt. Even the black jacket had the smell of iron now. "Oh," he said, his voice still hollow and dead, "I'll change and give them to you later."

Rigsby gave him a tiny nod. Their emotions were so thin and stretched it felt painful just to even feel. For a man who tried to control his emotions like he did, it made Jane feel raw. He needed to leave this place. It would break him completely if he stayed.

"You should get the forensics guys here," Jane said, "We'll need this evidence."

"I'll call them," Rigsby said.

Jane gave him a jerky nod and the turned around to flee. He didn't go back the way they came, instead he went down the untouched end of the alley and went down a set of concrete stairs. There was a widely branched tree, expertly pruned and standing alone. Jane collapsed at its base, setting his back up against the trunk.

His hands were shaking again and he couldn't breath. He tried and tried, but the air wouldn't come. He could feel his eyes getting hot with unshed tears. Jane gave up the fight and let them roll down his cheeks in rivers. He didn't sob, just sucked in heavy bouts of air and let them fall from his eyes quietly.

In this place he would let himself unravel. But she wouldn't see him like this. Now he was the one that needed to be strong.

* * *

><p>Lisbon couldn't remember anything more humiliating than being examined by the Forensic Nurse. She knew about the exam, she'd read about it when she'd worked cases in San Francisco. It had just been another part of the case, a way to collect evidence; she never had to watch someone go through it…certainly never thought she would have to live through one herself.<p>

First she'd had to give a detailed account of the attack, especially where she'd been assaulted. Lisbon hadn't been able to look the woman in the eye as she recited what had happened. Punched in the stomach and across the face. Head slammed into the wall and concrete. Bitten on her shoulder, licked on her face. Vaginally raped. No, he didn't have a condom.

She'd lain there and let them take the photographs, zooming in on the cuts on her arm, face and head, her swollen eye and broken wrist. It was just like when they photographed the body at a crime scene, except she was a living breathing person. She endured having her fingernails clipped and scraped for DNA, her cuts swabbed for blood and skin samples.

The worst part was having to lie back and open her legs for the pelvic exam. She hadn't been able to stop herself from shaking and tears had escaped her eyes. The Forensic Nurse had been as quiet and discreet as she could be, even as she'd swabbed for semen and combed for pubic hairs.

Then had come a long talk about the STI's, HIV, and the risk of pregnancy. She'd been given a cocktail of pills, prophylaxis and other pills to help prevent her from contracting an STD. But she would have to take a blood test later to be sure. And of course there was the morning-after pill.

Wendy had written a detailed record of the examination and then smiled reassuringly at Lisbon before finally leaving her alone. The whole exam had taken a long time. Somehow Lisbon felt even more exposed now though, she felt like she had been violated all over again.

She closed her eyes and kept them shut. She wasn't sleeping; there was no way she would be able to sleep, maybe never again. Keeping her eyes shut meant she could pretend that she wasn't lying in the hospital, that she wasn't just given a sexual assault exam, that she hadn't been raped. This was all just a horrible nightmare, she would wake up soon and everything would be better.

A lie sounded so much better than the truth.

Her eyes were still closed when she heard footsteps coming to her doorway. She didn't want to see anyone, especially not her team. They would know what happened, they would find out, if not from Jane then from the hospital. Maybe if she kept her eyes closed, then they would go away. She wanted to keep pretending that this wasn't real.

"Is this her?" She heard an unfamiliar woman whisper.

"Yes, we need to bring her down to get an MRI," another woman replied. "So should we wake her up?"

"And have her walk down to get an MRI? Look at her, go get her a wheelchair."

Now she heard one set of footsteps hurrying away, the other woman was staying, she must have been the superior nurse or something like that. "Poor little dear," she whispered and picked up the chart. "Well, Lavinia, I certainly hope they find him soon."

"Who is Lavinia?" Lisbon couldn't help but ask. She opened her eyes to see an older blonde woman looking shocked.

"Oh I'm sorry, I thought you were asleep," The nurse said, her nametag read Helen. "We need to take you to the MRI, dear."

"My name is Teresa," Lisbon told her, "Who is Lavinia?"

Helen blushed a little, clearly embarrassed that she had been caught talking. "My husband is an English professor, sometimes our worlds collide a little." Lisbon wanted to say more but was stopped when a much younger woman in scrubs came up with a wheelchair. "Teresa, this is Amy. She's going to be the one that will take you down to get an MRI."

The older woman was quick to help her get out of the bed and settled into the wheelchair. Lisbon hated being treated like an invalid but her injuries did hurt her a lot, she hadn't relished the pain of walking. But she hated being dependent too.

Amy must have been an intern because she was trying very hard to start up a conversation but Lisbon remained silent. She couldn't stop thinking about what the two nurses had been saying.

They had known what happened to her, which was obvious. That meant that word was traveling quickly around the hospital that she had been attacked. Wonderful, not only was she a rape victim but now she was an object of pity.

Lavinia. The woman had called her Lavinia.

Who was Lavinia?

* * *

><p>Jane took the spare suit he kept in his car, still tucked in a dry cleaning bag and went to the men's room of the CBI. It was close to two in the morning so it was as private a place as any, even with the more recent traffic due to Lisbon's case. Rigsby and Cho were still at the scene, but Jane had ducked away when they'd had to tell Bertram about Lisbon's rape. He knew the director would only see it as an inconvenience and not the true act of injustice that it was.<p>

He placed the suit on the bathroom counter and then shrugged out of the coat. He let it fall heedlessly to floor. The mirror showed his reflection: tired, slightly red eyes, the lines of his face harder and more visible at this hour, the loose black bow tie that stood above the white dress shirt. The shirt made the perfect canvas for Lisbon's blood, dried now from a vivid red to a permanent rust color.

That tie felt like a hand wrapped around his throat so he tugged at it until he heard the threads pop. It slipped free of it's knot and he threw it down. His fingers fumbled at the tiny buttons of his shirt. He hated looking at it. When the last button came free, he flung it down to the ground in disgust. He hoped they burned it one day. At the very least, he never wanted to see it again.

Now bare from the waist up, Jane could see something he'd missed before. Some of Lisbon's blood had dried on his neck, probably from when he'd been holding her. Jane turned on the faucet and noticed more of her blood on his hands. Most had been wiped away, but some had bored itself into the crevices of his nails.

Jane didn't bother with soap, just scrubbed at his hands with the water. The liquid splashed back into the sink slightly browned by the blood. He slapped at the stain on his neck with his wet hands, watching as the water rolled down his shoulder and over the muscles of his chest. He rubbed at the spot until the skin was red, but the blood was gone.

The mirror showed him for what he was: exposed. He hated this feeling, but what he despised the most was knowing that Lisbon felt a thousand times worse than he.

Why?

It was a question he had no answer to. Why had this happened to her? It wasn't fair, nothing in life was, but that wasn't an excuse this time. Of all the people in the world, Lisbon was the last person who deserved this.

If he believed in God then he would have railed at him for this. But he wasn't a believer so he had no one to argue with…except himself.

_He_ should have stayed with her. _He_ shouldn't have let her walk away. His damned need to be alone had gotten her raped. If he had been a better man, he would have danced with her some more. He would have guided her off of the dance floor, chatted with her over champagne and then walked her back to her car when the night was over.

He might as well have just handed her to the bastard.

Hating himself was easy; he'd done it for nearly a decade now. What was one more piece of guilt? It only proved that he truly was a curse to those he cared about.

But berating himself wouldn't catch the man who did this. He had to find him and make him suffer for what he had done. That was the only way to make amends to her for this.

Jane changed into his spare suit and carefully folded up the ruined tuxedo. He only did it for show, he would much rather have left it in a crumpled ball. Better yet, he would like to just toss it all into a fire and be done with it for good. He did what was expected and dropped it off at the forensics department.

They were already on top of Lisbon's case so they took the clothes and didn't ask many questions. He was grateful for that.

Van Pelt was back at her desk now; it looked like going through the guest list and the staff of the party. He decided to let her work in peace and didn't even say hello to her on his way out. He needed to be back at the hospital.

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A nurse was just leaving Lisbon's room when he arrived. She smiled and nodded her head to the door. "I'm sorry, but she's sleeping right now. You may want to come back later."

"That's all right," he said, "I promise I won't disturb her. I just hate the idea of her being alone right now."

The nurse nodded. "Okay, but please be quiet. She needs her rest."

"Just call me a church mouse," he said, flashing her his most reassuring smile. He knew she was watching him as he opened the door so he made sure to slip in quietly and then carefully slip it closed.

Now that he was in the room alone with her, Jane glanced over at Lisbon's bed. She lay there, her blankets up to her chin with her eyes closed. "You are a terrible actress."

Lisbon's eyes opened, but she didn't glare at him like she normally would have. "I just wanted her to go," she said.

Jane nodded a little. "I understand, would you like _me_ to go?"

"No, you can stay," she said, "At least you're not putting on some fake smile and overly cheerful conversation."

"Yes well, she's a nurse, being overly friendly is part of her job." Jane took up the chair next to Lisbon's bed. She looked at him once and then settled back into her pillows. Now that he was to her left, he could see a red line that ran down her neck, arcing towards her collarbone. "Did he scratch you?" Jane asked and traced an imaginary line in the same spot in his neck.

Lisbon reached up and felt the mark with her good hand. "No," she said, "not exactly."

He opened his mouth to ask for further details, but then he noticed something odd about the scratch. It was too thin to belong to a fingernail and it had a sort of serrated pattern to it. The only thing that could have made such a mark was a small chain, like the one that held Lisbon's cross.

"He took your necklace," he said. It took her a moment to give him a numb little nod in response. For some reason this cut into Jane. Back when they'd first met, he'd zeroed in on that little gold cross and known it had been a gift from her mother, her most cherished possession after her death. He had seen Lisbon clutch at that cross in prayer when she was frightened. He could call it a crutch, but if that belief in its symbol could help her through tough times then he wouldn't criticize.

It was a source of comfort to her and that bastard had taken it to use as a trophy. There was something inherently evil in that. Right then, Jane made a silent vow to return that cross to her. He couldn't allow someone so cruel to possess something so precious to her.

"You should try and get some sleep," he said just to change the subject away to something a bit more comfortable for her.

"Sleep. That's funny," she replied flatly. He knew all to well how she felt in that, but he did want her to rest. He could hypnotize her but right now he needed her trust. It was best not to push her.

She looked at him as if she expected him to say something else, but she was wrong. He had no intention of forcing her to engage in any conversation if she didn't want to. He wanted her to be relaxed in his presence. He knew he couldn't treat her experience as something minor, but he could let her talk about it on her own time.

The silence sat between them for a while, but he refused to let it bother him. He wanted her to see that he didn't come here to talk to her, just to be there for her. He hoped she took comfort from his presence. Only she could say that for certain.

"Who is Lavinia?"

The sudden question surprised Jane. "Hmm?" he asked and met her eyes.

"One of the nurses called me Lavinia," she explained, "I asked what that meant but she only said that her husband was an English professor. I thought you might know what that meant."

He did and he was sorely tempted to lie and say he hadn't the foggiest idea. Shame on that nurse to say such a thing. She had no right to discuss something so distasteful in front of Lisbon. Jane might have even discussed this with the head nurse, except he knew Lisbon had endured enough drama for now. He had no choice but to let it go. He also had no choice but to tell her the truth. Right now, it really was impossible to convincingly lie to her.

"She's a character from Shakespeare's sixth play _Titus Andronicus_," Jane explained, "She's the daughter of the titular character. The play is set during the Roman Empire, but it isn't one of his histories. It is actually a revenge tragedy."

"Revenge tragedy?" Lisbon repeated, "What does that mean?"

"It means it's a very bloody play."

"Bloody like _Romeo and Juliet_?" she asked.

Jane shook his head, grinning just a little. "Bloody like _Friday the 13__th_."

She quirked her brows in surprise. Clearly she only knew Shakespeare's more popular, less gory works. "Why would that nurse say I was like Lavinia then?"

Jane was careful to time his response, not speaking too fast and not waiting too long to answer. "I honestly don't know."

He thought he'd done pretty well, but the way she narrowed her eyes at him in disappointment said he'd failed. He may not have any tells, but she could still see his lie clearly. "Cut the crap, Jane. Just say it, she gets raped."

He still flinched at the word. Perhaps he would always do that from now on. He finally just nodded a little.

"What else happens to her?"

The mutilation of Lavinia was one of the most well known aspects of the play, but he couldn't tell her that. She had endured enough torture for a lifetime; he didn't want her to feel the pain of a fictional character.

"It's a tragedy," he said instead, "most everyone dies in the play."

That was answer enough, hopefully it would appease her. She eyed him for while, but he didn't turn away with a guilty look. He knew this game well. Instead he just stared back at her until she finally gave up.

Lisbon shut her eyes and shifted back in her bed, but he knew she wasn't going to sleep. She opened her eyes after a few minutes and stared back at the closed door. Jane just watched her. All he could for her was be there. Somehow, that still didn't seem enough.

* * *

><p>The sun was finally rising when Cho and Rigsby made it to the CBI. They had spent an inordinate amount of time at the scene of Lisbon's attack, scouring every inch of the pavement, double-checking every piece of evidence. They were being overly cautious but they didn't really care, they wanted to make sure that nothing was overlooked. They wanted to catch this guy as soon as possible.<p>

Van Pelt was at her desk; the work attire she kept at the office replaced her beautiful red dress. Cho and Rigsby had changed out of their tuxes as soon as they could as well. No one had gone home though; no one had taken a break to sleep. They were all running off of concern, anger, adrenaline and most of all, caffeine.

Grace's desk was littered with empty coffee cups and reports; she had been taking down any reports of suspicious people and other crimes that had occurred in the area where Lisbon had been attacked. Not that she knew what she was actually looking for, but like her friends, Grace was going the extra mile in her efforts to find the man that had hurt their boss.

"Hey," she said, her voice was soft with fatigue. "Did you guys find anything at the scene?"

Cho and Rigsby exchanged shameful looks. They had actually found quite a bit at the scene, more than they had wanted to. "Yeah, we did," Rigsby replied finally, keeping the details to himself.

"Nothing that would help up us identify the suspect though," Cho admitted and threw his jacket down on his desk. He looked around the room and noted the empty couch. "Where's Jane?"

Grace shook her head. "Forensics said he dropped of his clothes and left. I think he went back to the hospital."

"Did you get the evidence from the Forensic Nurse?"

She nodded. "I haven't look at it yet though, I just can't bring myself to read the report." Grace had been looking down at her hands when she said this. She looked up again to see Cho and Rigsby exchanging uncomfortable looks again. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Rigsby said a bit too quickly.

She narrowed her eyes at them. "What aren't you telling me? Is it about Lisbon? What happened? Did the hospital call?"

Rigsby looked back at Cho who simply nodded his head a little. "Grace…the guy…he didn't _just_ attack her." Rigsby just couldn't bring himself to spell it out.

For a moment Grace considered his words. Finally the truth hit her quickly and her eyes widened with a sharp gasp. "You mean he…?"

Cho nodded. "Yeah."

"Oh God," she exclaimed and covered her face with her hands. They knew that she was crying quietly for Lisbon. It hurt her more in a lot of ways because she was a woman. She lived with that same fear but always said that it would never happen to her, never to someone she loved.

How horrible it was to be wrong.

They were quiet for a while until Grace finally looked back up, her eyes were red but she wasn't crying now. "We're going to go back to the hospital and get Lisbon's complete statement about what happened," Cho said stiffly.

"I'll stay here and monitor the phones," Grace offered very quickly, "maybe someone will report something."

It was an unusual thing for Grace to volunteer for. When someone from the team got hurt Grace was usually the person who stayed at the hospital, compassionately making sure that they were all right. Now she didn't want to go.

It had to be because of what happened.

But Cho just nodded and Rigsby said. "It's okay…we'll be back soon."

Grace watched them go with a terribly sad expression on her face. Dozens of questions flashed through her mind. Most of all: Why?

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Grace had been right, Jane was still at the hospital; he'd stayed the whole night. He wasn't entirely sure if he had helped Lisbon at all, they hadn't spoken much and neither one of them had gotten any sleep. But he didn't want her to be alone and he had a feeling she didn't either.

There hadn't been any safe subjects to discuss. Trivial topics seemed ridiculous and any mentions of her attack were much too painful for them both. He'd done his part to try and get her to speak about anything but Lisbon hadn't been willing to contribute much. It was just as well; he hadn't felt like talking either. So for the vast majority of the night they had been silent.

Despite the tension in the room Jane had stayed in the chair by her bed the entire time. He excused himself this morning only because the doctor had returned and wanted to check on Lisbon's injuries and perform another pelvic exam. Jane had left quickly after the doctor's explanation; he could see the desperation and shame on Lisbon's face. That had been harder to see than any of the injuries that marred her skin

Jane procured himself a to-go cup of tea from a cart outside and planned to make his way back to Lisbon's room to wait until the exam was finished. That is how Cho and Rigsby found him.

"Jane," Rigsby called out from the entrance, he walked over and met them halfway there. "How is she?" Jane gave him a look and Rigsby corrected himself. "I mean I know that it must be bad but…is she doing…okay?"

He sighed a little and shook his head. "She didn't sleep at all, but then again none of us did."

"Did she say anything?" Cho asked.

"No, she hasn't spoken much," Jane admitted, "she's ashamed."

"Of what?" Rigsby said genuinely confused, "this wasn't her fault."

Jane shrugged a little. "Tell that to Lisbon. Right now she's questioning everything she thinks she did or could have done to prevent this."

"That's ridiculous."

"You won't get any arguments from me."

Cho decided to get back to business. "Can we speak with her?"

Jane nodded. "She was being examined again, but she might be alone now."

They were prepared to head back towards Lisbon's room when a slight commotion caught their attention. A man was frantically speaking to one of the nurses at the front desk, he was almost shouting. "Teresa Lisbon, what room is she in? Can you tell me where she is?"

They had met Lisbon's younger brother, Tommy. But even if they hadn't Jane knew he would have recognized her brother anyways. They had the same dark hair, the same shaped ears, the same strong and determined chin, they even stood the same way, straight and firm.

Before the nurse could answer Tommy's questions he looked up and spotted Lisbon's team. "Cho, Rigsby, Jane!" he shouted and rushed over towards them. "Where is she? What the hell happened?"

"She's upstairs," Jane answered. He couldn't say anything else, he certainly wasn't going to lie and say that Lisbon was fine.

"I just got a call last night from James, he said the hospital called him and said that Reese had been admitted but they didn't say anything else," Tommy explained, "So what happened? She's okay, right?"

"She's conscious and her injuries are not severe."

That calmed Tommy down just a little. He took a steadying breath now that he knew that his sister wasn't lapsing in a coma or recovering from surgery. He had no idea that the worst injuries were never physical. "So what is it? Did a suspect get too rough or something?"

Rigsby shook his head. "We were at a fundraiser last night and someone attacked her outside."

Tommy's eyes widened and he took in another sharp breath. "But she's okay." The answering nod was weak but it was enough. "I want to see her, what room is she in?"

"311," Rigsby said but quickly cut in before Tommy could rush towards the elevator. "But Tommy, there is something you should know…"

"You need to prepare yourself," Jane told him, "she doesn't look like herself right now."

"She's my sister, I'll be fine." Tommy replied confidently.

Yes, she was and no, he wouldn't, not when he finally understood the full extent of what happened to his sister.

"There's more," Cho said. His voice was grave, something that Tommy picked up on. He turned towards Cho reluctantly; he knew that he was about to hear something absolutely horrible. "She was raped."

Jane watched as Tommy's face went completely white and then quickly flushed red. His eyes narrowed in outrage. "Shut up!" he shouted and before anyone could say anything, had shoved Cho up against the wall. "That's not true, that couldn't have happened to her."

Rigsby pulled Tommy off of Cho who simply stepped aside. "I'm sorry," Cho told him.

But Tommy was still struggling with his anger. "What is wrong with you people? You are the cops! You're supposed to protect her! How could you let this happen?"

That was a good question. One they all felt but were too ashamed to answer.

Tommy stopped fighting and suddenly went limp. "Oh God this shouldn't have happened to her. Oh God, oh God." Rigsby lost his grip on Tommy who sank down to his knees and began to cry.

The three men stood close by, ignoring the stares from the hospital staff and other visitors, and quietly waited for Tommy to pull himself together. Finally he stood up and wiped the tears from his eyes and took in a shaky breath. "Where is she?"

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Lisbon was doing the same thing she had been all night, lying in her hospital bed and quietly waiting for this nightmare to come to an end. She knew that it wouldn't, that for the rest of her life she would have to live with the fact that she was one of those unfortunate women who knew what it was like to be violated. Now she was another statistic, another case file, a piece of evidence. She wasn't just Agent Teresa Lisbon anymore.

She was a victim.

She was exhausted but not sleepy, she wanted to sleep. She wanted to curl up into a ball and escape her thoughts for days but she was afraid to. Lisbon was afraid of what she would see when she closed her eyes; she knew it would be absolutely horrible.

Footsteps approached her closed door and Lisbon immediately assumed that more doctors or nurses were coming by for another exam. Why not? It seemed like she had been poked and prodded by everyone, even worse, gone through two different pelvic exams. It was impossible for her to be anymore humiliated than she already was.

But when the door opened, it was not an overly friendly nurse or a quiet methodical doctor.

It was her younger brother.

"Tommy," she breathed out as soon as she found her voice again. No he shouldn't be here. She didn't want him to see her like this.

For his part, Tommy was clearly taken aback by her appearance. He stood in the doorway completely stunned as he took it all in. Her swollen eye, the cuts on her face, the cast on her wrist and the bruises that seemed to cover every inch of her. She looked absolutely horrible and nothing like the sister he knew.

"Hey Reese," he managed to choke out.

"What are you doing here?

"The hospital called James since he's your emergency contact. He told Will and me. I was the one that could drop everything on a moment's notice." Tommy was still standing in the doorway with a slightly stunned look on his face. Lisbon could see her team over Tommy's shoulder, silently waiting in the hallway. He must have met them on his way up.

She kept her eyes on him and saw the anguish in them, and it wasn't just from her appearance.

Tommy knew what really happened to her.

"They told you didn't they?" Lisbon said quietly, her face becoming impassive and cold. She didn't want to look him in the eye now. Tommy didn't say anything but solemnly nodded his head, filling her heart with shame.

She tried to smile just a little. "I'm fine, Tommy. You shouldn't have come."

"A guy attacks my sister and I'm not supposed to care?" Tommy asked incredulously. "That's bullshit, Reese, and you know it."

"You have a job and a daughter, you can't just forget about that."

"You need me now," Tommy pointed out.

"I'm fine."

"Stop putting on that act, Reese. You've been playing that same part since we were kids, bottling everything up to try and protect us." Tommy told her, a slight edge to his voice. "You can't fool me. I know you."

Lisbon looked away from him. "I can't do this. I can't do this with you looking at me like that. I just want this all to go away and with you here…" Her voice trailed off as her emotions choked her up. Tears fell down her cheeks but she still couldn't look at her brother. As long as Tommy was here she couldn't pretend that everything was going to be okay, she couldn't stop seeing that horrified look in his eye that told her that she was completely broken.

"I'm staying, Reese." His voice was firm and unwavering, she knew that if she told him to go it would be like whistling in the wind.

"I didn't want you to see me like this," she admitted.

Tommy stepped beside her bed and smiled a little. "This is nothing, I saw you when you had the measles and that was worse." It was a lie and a poor attempt at humor but it was something at least. "I'm your brother," he reminded her, "nothing in this world is going to make me stop caring about you."

Then Tommy put a comforting hand on her arm and Lisbon felt what little ease she'd had before completely vanish.

She tried to scoot away from him discreetly but Tommy didn't catch the hint. Instead he tried to reach over and give her a small hug. The closer he got the more her heart raced painfully, a cold sweat broke over her. For moment there she was back in the alley and someone else was looming over her with much more sinister intentions.

"Please," Lisbon whimpered out and turned away from him. "Please don't…"

"What?" Tommy asked completely off guard by her request. Lisbon pulled the blanket tighter around her, as if that would be a barrier to protect her. Suddenly he realized what was making her so afraid.

Him.

"Oh," he said and stepped back so that he was at comfortable distance away from him. But he was upset; she could see that clearly.

"I'm so sorry, Tommy," she told him, "It's not you I just…I can't…" Tears spilled down her cheeks and she was having a very difficult time keeping herself from outright sobbing.

"It's okay," Tommy told her, "I understand."

He needed to leave. She needed to be alone when she finally lost her control over her emotions; she knew that now. "Tommy, could you please get me some coffee?" she asked him very softly.

Tommy nodded. "Sure," and slowly he backed out of the door leaving her alone again.

When the door closed behind him Lisbon grabbed one of her pillows and buried her face in it to muffle her sobs.

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When Tommy finally came out of Lisbon's room he looked completely shocked. Obviously things hadn't gone so well. But Jane knew that was the best they could hope for at the moment. He didn't say anything, just waited for Tommy to speak first.

He looked up at the team and his eyes met Jane's. "She won't let me touch her. She was actually afraid when I tried to…I'm not going to hurt her!"

"She knows," Jane told him.

Tommy shook his head. "Then why was she afraid?"

"It isn't you," Jane explained to him, "haphephobia is a pretty standard reaction to this sort of trauma. It's not specifically your touch that upsets her, but anyone's."

Tommy covered his face with his hands. "This just can't be happening." He took his hands away and looked back towards the closed door. "The way she looks…" His hands curled into fists and he turned towards the members of Lisbon's team. "Do you know who did this?"

They slowly shook their heads. "Then what the hell are you doing? Find him!"

"We're doing everything we can," Cho assured him. It was a cliché line but it was the truth. Not one of them had slept since Lisbon was attacked. Unfortunately there was only so much they could do.

Tommy shook his head again and sighed, he was accepting their answer as best as he could. "I have to call my brothers. I don't know what I'm going to tell them," he admitted.

Jane smiled softly. "Tell them the truth. That you are going to be here and help her because you will. She does need you, but more importantly, she needs you to be strong for _her_."

Tommy took in his words and then slowly nodded his head. "I'll do that." He took a few steps down the hall and turned around quickly. "Just get this guy, all right?"

"We will," Jane promised.

He meant it.

* * *

><p>While Tommy had done the unenviable task of informing his brothers of their sister's attack, Lisbon's team had returned to their original purpose. She'd done what she could to put on a mask of stoicism but Jane could tell that really she was just numb. It had been an awkward scene when she was reminded that they needed a complete statement of the attack. None of them wanted to hear the details and Lisbon really didn't want to tell it. The solution had been for her to write it all down so they could go over it later.<p>

With her brother now staying with her, Jane felt comfortable enough to leave the hospital. Not that he wouldn't be constantly worried about her but Jane knew that he really wanted to figure out where they were on the case. He needed to find this man.

Grace was still at her desk when her teammates filed in. "How's Lisbon?" she asked quietly. It really was an absurd question to ask but what else was there to say?

"She's doing the best she can," Jane offered but it was obvious what he really meant.

"Maybe one of you guys should have stayed there." He didn't miss that Grace wasn't volunteering for that task. This was hurting her badly.

"Her brother Tommy is there now," Rigsby explained.

Grace nodded and looked away from all of them. "I was looking up reports from around the area. Beyond a few calls about vagrants and a mugging, there wasn't much."

"Nothing fit the M.O.?"

"No," Grace explained, "nothing in Sacramento or the surrounding areas."

"Did you send the evidence from the hospital down to Forensics?" Cho asked.

"They said it's top priority but it will still take time to see if there is a match in the system," Grace replied, "but they do have plenty of DNA to work with." She looked back up to her teammates. "Has Lisbon said anything?"

Rigsby held up the sheaf of papers. "She wrote out her statement." He put the papers back down on his desk but fiddled with the top sheet. "But I don't really know if I want to read it," he admitted.

An awkward pall came over all four of them. Nobody wanted to read what she had written; nobody really wanted to know the details of her attack. It was hard enough just knowing that it had happen, to know the particulars of what this man did to her…it was a nightmare none of them wanted to face.

They were still searching for a way to break the silence when Wainwright walked into the bullpen with a very anxious expression on his face. "I've been hearing some things…" he said to the team very slowly. "Is it true? Was Lisbon sexually assaulted?"

The accompanying silence was answer enough.

"Oh God," Wainwright breathed, putting a hand to his mouth as the terrible news finally sank in. He shook his head and cleared his throat. "Have you…what have you found?"

"Lisbon gave us her statement."

"She said he was wearing a dress shirt," Jane reminded him. "He was at the event."

Wainwright nodded. "Keep me informed, I want to know everything about this investigation." It was no real surprise there. Wainwright had the good sense to quietly leave Lisbon's team to their job.

It took a moment for them to regain their senses. Cho was the one who spoke first, immediately taking over. "For now, we assume that our suspect was at the fundraiser. Van Pelt, get a list of the people who staffed the event, we start there."

Now he turned to Rigsby. "The Plaza had security cameras. We need that footage if only to establish when the attack took place."

"On it," Rigsby said immediately picking up his phone to call the Plaza.

Cho returned to his own desk to start checking through the statements of the witnesses they had spoken to, not that it would do much good, no one had seen anything of note. Working allowed a certain amount of normalcy to return to the group, they could almost pretend they weren't working their boss's assault case.

Rigsby looked up from his desk where he was on hold and noticed one thing out of place. "Where's Jane?"

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Jane sought out the privacy of his dreary attic space for the moment. The slips of paper that contained Lisbon's statement were tucked neatly under his arm. He'd stealthily taken in from Rigsby's desk knowing that it would be best to look through it away from anyone else's eyes.

Still when he finally sat down with the papers at hand…he couldn't do it.

He looked at the letters but couldn't read the words. He ran his fingertips over Lisbon's neat even handwriting, noting the little subtleties such as the way her t's were slanted and how her r's almost looked like n's. It was hard to believe that these letters comprised a horrifying attack on the living person he cared about most.

He had to read it. He had to know all of the information so he could find the man who did this. That person needed pay dearly for the damage he had wrought and Jane would see to it.

But he still didn't read it.

For the moment he preferred to live in the fantasy of yesterday when he was annoying Lisbon into another migraine and watching her smile. When she wasn't bruised, beaten and abused. When the only tragedy he knew was him self.

* * *

><p>It was dark.<p>

Not late in the evening dark, but a total blackness with no guiding light. Lisbon had never seen such a place before. It was like being trapped in the deepest dungeon with no hope for release.

The darkness was bone chilling. Lisbon could only lie there on the cold, hard ground with no touch of heat to relieve her. She didn't even know where she was. All she could see was black and feel the cool air against her bare skin.

That was another thing: she was completely naked. How had she gotten to this terrifying place without any clothes? Well she wouldn't find the answer to that lying down.

Lisbon ordered her arms to move but they remain outstretched. Her legs wouldn't move either, only her neck was in working order. Dear God, why was she completely paralyzed?

There was a warm breeze that tickled her face. It came again and again. Then she heard that hideous laugh.

Lisbon struggled against her invisible bonds, urging her limbs to move. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She grunted in her efforts, but they were in vain. She belonged entirely to him.

One of his hands circled her ankle and then slowly inched its way up her calf, over her knee and onto her thigh. _No! _she tried to scream,_ Stop!_ Her mouth would open but no sound came forth.

His other hand was caressing her bare stomach, making lazy rings around her navel. Her skin crawled wherever he touched. She felt his breath in her face again. Lisbon could only twist her head away from him.

His laughter filled the entire black space. He touched her hair, her face, her breasts, no inch of her was safe from him. She was his plaything. His toy. She had no way to fight him.

_Scream!_ she told her self, _Scream! Fight! Stop!_

He laughed out her name. "Teresa," he said, "Teresa."

"Teresa!"

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Lisbon opened her eyes and slapped at the dark face hovering over her. He jerked away so she came away with nothing by empty air. "Reese, calm down, it's me."

Tommy.

Now that her eyes were adjusting to the light she could make out her younger brother perfectly. He was standing by her hospital bed, one hand wrapped around the safety rail. She panted out his name and then rubbed one hand across her forehead. She was completely covered in sweat, so much that her hospital gown was sticking to her body.

"It's okay," Tommy said, "it was just a dream."

Yes, that was it. She'd been watching some crummy daytime soap opera when she'd felt the cold fingers of fatigue reaching for her. She'd tried to fight it, but obviously she had succumbed.

It had all been a dream. The dark, immoral place. His laughter. His breath. It all been a figment of her fragile mind. Her first nightmare, the first of many.

But she could still feel his sinful touch. She rubbed at her arms, her stomach, but it couldn't erase the sensation. She was covered in him.

The door opened and Helen the nurse walked in. "Is everything all right? We heard some shouting."

"I'm fine," she said. Her voice quivered out the words.

"Just a nightmare," Tommy said.

Helen picked up Lisbon's wrist before she could protest. Her whole arm was shaking in the woman's grasp. She fingered the radial pulse and frowned. "Your pulse is racing. Let me get you a sedative."

"No!" The last thing she could possibly want was more sleep.

"It will only hurt for a second." Helen held up the needle containing the poison that would bring her back into that dark pit of Hell.

"No! Don't! Please, don't!"

"It will help you sleep."

"I don't need anymore sleep," she begged. She looked over at Tommy with her one good eye. "Please, don't make me sleep anymore."

His brows were knit in concern but he nodded. "I think she's all right," he said to Helen, "You don't need to do that."

Helen looked down at Lisbon for a moment and then capped the needle. "Okay then. If you need anything just press the button."

If that meant more sedatives then she sure as hell would never press that button.

Helen left them alone again. Lisbon could feel her heart rate slipping back into it's normal rhythm. Her body wasn't shaking as much, but she kept rubbing at her skin. She wanted to shower. She needed to wash _him_ off of her.

"It'll be all right, Reese," Tommy said. She saw his hand come up, aiming to be placed as a source of comfort on her shoulder.

She flinched and shook her head furiously. "Please, Tommy, please don't."

He withdrew his hand and nodded. "Sorry, I was just—."

"I know, but I really, really don't—."

"I know," he said, "It's okay, I understand."

She wasn't really sure if he did, but he didn't try to touch her. He sat back down in his chair and picked up his phone again. Maybe he was checking his e-mail or scanning the news. Lisbon turned over onto her side so he wouldn't see the tears rolling down her cheeks. She kept rubbing at her skin, ignoring the pain it caused to her sore muscles and bruises. She needed to forget his touch. She needed to feel clean again.

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><p>AN: Well what did you guys think? Tommy will stick around for a while as his older sister has to recover from her physical injuries, the mental ones will take A LOT longer to heal as you can imagine.

Next chapter the case amps up a bit as the first suspect is brought forward? Who is it? Is he Lisbon's rapist? Who do you think it is? Hehehe you'll have to wait and see! But stick around, the final scene of the next chapter will really define the Jisbon relationship in this story, you won't want to miss it!

Please review!


	3. Who Can Understand?

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: WOW I never thought that this far into the story that we would have over 30 reviews. I'm completely blown away by the response to this story. You guys make me smile every time I read a review. This story is coming along but school starts tomorrow so fanfiction will have to take second priority but we'll find the time to write.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Not as long as a chapter as the last one, but chock full of important things. This is when Jane gets a real feel for the case, but maybe not who the attacker is. Lisbon sinks a bit deeper into her sorrow and pain. Sorry guys, but it's going to get worse for her before she gets better. I hope you all enjoy it.

**Note: We like to respond to every review so if you have an account please sign in so that we can send you a PM**

These are the anonymous reviewers we wanted to respond to:

**MissDonnie:** That was the point of this story, to put Jane and Lisbon in each other's shoes. We wanted to see how Jane would react to having to help Lisbon heal, especially since she has been the rock that has anchored him down for so many years. It will get even better when she really starts to spiral downward

**mmm:** Well here is an update, I hope it's soon enough for you ;-)

**Anonymous:** Yes this story is emotional but don't expect the rapist to be caught soon. It will be a long case and a long recovery for Lisbon. As for the Jisbon, well you will see at the end of this chapter how Lisbon feels about Jane touching her and we guarantee that by the end of this story, there will be plenty of Jisbony goodness.

**Lisbon-Fan:** Thanks so much! We're working on the next few chapters now

**123TellMeYouLove:** Well we prefer longer chapters, it flows better that way. We're trying to update as soon as possible but real life does get in the way sometimes. We did a lot of research about rape victims and how they react so we could form Lisbon's own reactions during this story, how she starts to deal with her own tragedy and the like. Jane's breakdown was a scene that we really wanted to share, it was important to show just how much this is hurting him too. Yes he feels guilt for what happened, that's who he is. You'll see more scenes with Jane's emotions about this event in later chapters too. I think Lisbon is a bit rougher in our other fictions because in those stories she's angry with him, in this one she isn't actually mad at Jane so she isn't harsh with him. Thanks for reading

**MacKenzi1990:** That was the intention. The title is subtle, if you've read the play than you might have an idea what would happen in the first chapter. But we did want to lull people into a false sense of comfort, hence the very romantic dance just moments before the attack.

**LoveLisbon:** So sorry we made you cry. Cheer up though, this story has a happy ending

**Alexia McKinley:** The scene with Lisbon admitting to Jane and the Forensic Nurse what happened was one we had envisioned from the beginning. It was hard to write, as was the scene with Cho and Rigsby finding out. So we're glad they left a clear impression. Just so you know, we are happy ending people. As much as we love angst, we always want to end the story with a smile.

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><p>Chapter 3: Who Can Understand?<p>

Despite the fact that everyone had been up all night, none of Lisbon's team made a motion to put aside the investigation to get breakfast. Food wasn't important at the moment. But Jane knew they couldn't work at full capacity with no food and sleep. He couldn't tell them to rest, not when he had no intention of doing that. But he could settle their stomachs.

He didn't go far, just to the rooftop café the Bureau had set up for its employees. It was early enough so there weren't a lot of people out yet, but the attendant gave Jane a smile and gladly took down the order for three coffees, one tea and four muffins.

"How's Agent Lisbon doing?" the attendant asked.

"She's holding it together," he said. It was the best he could say since he knew Lisbon was not fine.

She shook her head as she removed the muffins from the tray. "I can't believe something like this would happen to her."

"None of us can," Jane said. In his wildest dreams he had never imagined such a thing would happen to Lisbon.

"Your coffees will be ready in a minute. It's still brewing."

"I can wait," Jane said.

"But here's your tea." She gave him the hot, paper cup.

"Thank you," he said.

Jane walked over to the railing, propping his cup on it so he could let the tea seep. The steady sound of traffic and the cool wind was familiar and soothing. At least some things were still the same.

"Director, I really think we should discuss this somewhere else."

Jane turned to the sound of Brenda Shettrick's voice. He hadn't realized that she was up there along with Bertram. They occupied a table on the far side of the café, but the acoustics kept the sound constant. Judging by the one cup of coffee and the half eaten scone, Jane guessed poor Brenda had been sought out by Bertram in the middle of her breakfast.

"We need to discuss this," Bertram insisted, "The CBI is all over the news right now. We have to come up with a strategy."

Brenda sighed and shook her head slightly. "Certainly we should let the public know about Lisbon's condition and her plans for recovery."

"Absolutely. We'll tell them that she is being given the best possible care by the hospital and that the Bureau is going to make sure she sees the city's most qualified therapist."

"Yes, that is a good idea."

"We need to address the issue of the attack," Bertram continued, "This article discusses the fact that she was assaulted less than a hundred yards away from her colleagues."

Brenda nodded. "Yes, that is bad, but—."

"Have you read her statement? Is it possible that this was an error on her part."

Jane felt his entire body tense. The idea of throwing his hot cup of tea into Bertram's face danced through his mind. Yes, that was a very pretty image.

"No, I don't think that is the best way to go," Brenda said, "Right now we should just say that we are looking into the matter and make it clear that the attack did not occur in the Plaza, but outside of it where she couldn't be seen or heard."

"This article is bad for us," Bertram said, "This reporter questions our ability to protect the public if we can't look after one of our own."

"Sir, there is little we can do there except assure everyone that we are doing the best we can."

Bertram groaned and shook his head. "God, this is a disaster. The sooner this nightmare is over the better. The Bureau can't handle too much bad press."

Jane was on the verge of making his fantasy come true, but he was saved by the coffee girl. "Jane, your coffee is ready."

"Thank you," Jane said and gladly took the paper bag of muffins and the tray of paper cups. He couldn't help but wave at Bertram. "Good morning," he said.

Bertram's humiliated face was enough retribution.

* * *

><p>The coffee and muffins had been accepted readily while the team continued to pound the pavement in a manner of speaking. It didn't matter that they were all dead on their feet and anxiously worrying about their boss. The investigation was in the early stages; they were tired and concerned but also optimistic. And determined, determined to find the bastard yesterday.<p>

Grace hung up her phone and heaved a very heavy sigh. "Well it took eight years but they finally are emailing me the list of the employees who worked the gala last night."

"Run background checks on all of them, see if any of them have a criminal record," Cho told her.

"Of course." She turned back to her computer to download the list and start running through the many, many names. A few times she rubbed her eyes but didn't stop her job and no one told her to do otherwise.

A half an hour later Rigsby walked into the bullpen with a small stack of discs. "Security cameras from the Plaza came in."

"Anything near the sight of the attack?" Jane asked.

Rigsby shook his head with a disappointed look. "Cameras were only inside and in the front, nothing on the side exit."

It was a piece of bad news. While no one had been looking forward to video of Lisbon's rape, at least it would have meant they would have been able to see her assailant. They all exchanged mixed reactions of relief and frustration.

"At least we can narrow down the timeline to when the attack occurred," Rigsby said taking a seat at his desk and inserting one of the discs.

Cho and Jane hovered behind Rigsby so they could look at the screen. "I found her in the parking lot a little after midnight," Jane reminded him. "Start an hour before that."

Rigsby nodded but didn't say anything as he began to fast forward through the footage. It was a blur of the evening with people moving across the screen but Jane's eye remained focused on the side exit that he'd watched her disappear through just the night before. He remembered briefly considering stopping her but had dismissed that idea, encouraging anything after that dance was a bad idea. Now he'd give anything to fix that.

But Jane was used to his decisions hurting the ones he cared about most.

Then he saw it. "Stop," he told Rigsby and the screen froze. There was Lisbon in grainy detail in the process of opening the door to leave.

"Time says 11:23," Rigsby said quietly.

Cho nodded. "So we're looking at a timeframe between 11:23 and midnight."

Rigsby let out a long sigh. "That's not a lot of time."

"It was enough," Jane said, his voice sounded dead and emotionless. Still the truth stung like a burn.

Grace had paused in her work but she'd heard what they had said. She didn't meet their eyes but the words slipped from her lips. "I was talking with Jimmy Collins from Forensics. I danced with him. Then I went to find you guys before Brenda came in…" She bit her lip and shook her head; anyone could see the guilt in her eyes.

Cho was watching her. "Nate and I were talking about the Kings game next week. He thought they had a shot at the playoffs."

Rigsby looked away from them, his eyes darting from his desk to his hands. "I was having a discussion with Sandra from accounting." He hesitated before admitting with an embarrassed shrug. "I was trying to get her number."

Jane didn't say anything but he remembered what he had been doing. Trying to keep his emotions in check and deciding when it would be a good time to duck out.

They had all been focused on their own lives, not knowing about the horror that was occurring until it was much too late. Now there was nothing they could do but regret. Still they were all thinking the same thing.

My fault.

* * *

><p>Waiting around and for a computer to spit out information was not something Jane had the patience for. Normally at this point in the case he would go off on his own to pursue the lead that would inevitably turn out to be the culprit. But for once he had no leads, at least nothing solid. Still, he wasn't going to sit by and watch the numbers tick down on a lighted screen.<p>

He returned to the hospital, this time with a travel chess set. He was getting to know the third floor of Sacramento General more than he wanted to, but he had little choice in the matter. Lisbon wasn't ready to be released.

He stopped short from rounding the corner of his destination when he saw Tommy standing outside with his cell phone at his ear. Now he had a different plan: eavesdropping.

"So Annie's doing all right?…Thanks for keeping an eye on her, James. I didn't expect Diane to go on a business trip now"

Tommy sighed and shook his head. "I don't know, I really don't know. She says she's fine, but she's obviously lying. Its like when she said that Aunt Clarice wasn't dead, just napping in a wooden box."

Jane couldn't bite back his smile. He'd always known Lisbon was a terrible liar, but who came up with something that bad?

"No, she won't talk about it. I mean, she gave them her statement but she won't talk about it with me or anyone. She keeps it all technical…Yeah, I know that doesn't sound good…Honestly, I think she's doing terrible. I hate to admit it, but I do."

Unfortunately, Tommy was right. Lisbon wasn't handling this well at all, not that this was a situation anyone could take in stride. It was killing Jane to see her like this.

"No, no, don't come down here…Because it isn't going to do any good, she'll just tell you to go home…Of course I'm not going yet…Look, you don't want to see her like this and it's just…she won't let anyone touch her, not even me…No, I can't even put a hand on her shoulder…Her partner, Jane, says this is normal, if you can call any of this normal."

Tommy rubbed at his tired eyes and shook his head. "She finally slept for about an hour, but then she woke up screaming."

This was news to Jane.

"Yeah, a nightmare…No, she wouldn't tell me, but she flipped out when the nurse tried to give her a sedative…I'm trying, James, I'm really trying."

Jane had heard enough now. Eavesdropping was often helpful, the only bad part was that he hated hearing it. Jane finally turned the corner and waved at Tommy as he walked by, as if he had only just arrived. Tommy was too focused on his phone call to give him more than a nod.

Jane knocked on the door and then stepped inside. Lisbon was sitting up on her bed surrounded by at least twenty different flower arrangements: roses, lilies, carnations and several cheap multi-colored daises dyed into neon hues. "Hey," he said.

"Thank God," she said with a relieved expression.

"Well that's a greeting I never thought I'd hear from you."

"You didn't bring flowers," she said, "I'm getting sick of flowers."

"Yes," Jane said, glancing around the room, "I had no idea there was a florist on this floor."

Lisbon nodded and picked up one of the cards from a tacky rainbow arrangement. "This one says 'Get Well Soon', can you believe that?"

"Well, it is the thought that counts, as the old adage goes," Jane said with grin and then held up the box. "I didn't bring flowers, but I do know that hospitals are exceedingly dull, how about a game of chess?"

Lisbon actually smiled a little. "Bless you."

"Another thing I never thought I'd hear from you."

He sat down on the foot of her bed, careful not to touch her, and set the magnetic board on her tray. She took one set of pawns and started to set them up on her side of the board. "So, how are things at work?"

Another thing Lisbon was bad at: subtlety. Jane shrugged and then caught her eye for a brief moment. "It's fine."

"Do you have a case?"

"Are we really going to play this game?" He didn't mean chess.

Lisbon sighed. "Look, how's it going? Do you have any leads?"

"We're looking into the staff," Jane said, "but nothing solid yet."

He could see she was crushed a little. She wanted this whole thing to be over, so did he. "Thank you for being honest," she said.

It was the least he could do for since he had nothing else to offer. He couldn't produce her rapist on a silver platter, not yet. All he could do was give her what no one else could: the truth.

"Are the others still at the office?"

Jane nodded. "They won't leave even for food."

With the board finally completely set, Lisbon took the lead and moved one of her pawns. "Seriously? They can't do that. Tell them I want them to go home early and get some sleep, that's an order."

Jane moved one of his pawns and nodded. "I'll tell them that."

"I'd tell you to do the same, but you never listen to me anyways."

He made himself laugh a little. It was obvious that she was trying to act normal, but the disguise was thin and stretched. She wanted to pretend that she was only there for some minor injuries, that the trauma had never happened. It wouldn't work.

"So what else is going on at the Bureau?"

"Not much," Jane said, playing casual, "Except I almost threw tea in Bertram's face."

"What?" She was grinning at the imagery. "You actually came close to a physical confrontation? I never thought I'd see the day."

"Meh." He waved it off.

"What set you off?"

Jane considered making something up, he could get away with it. But he found he couldn't lie to her right now. "Bertram was talking to Brenda Shettrick about a strategy with the media, you know being his typical heartless self."

Lisbon bobbed her head and absently moved on of her pawns right into the path of his knight. "Is the Bureau taking a hit?"

"The Bureau's fine," he said, "Don't worry about it."

"Jane, I know how bad this must look." She looked towards the window, even though all she could see was the parking lot. She turned back and reached for the phone on the nightstand. "Maybe I should give Bertram a statement for the press."

Luckily, Jane was much faster than Lisbon. He grabbed the phone and kicked it under her bed. "Don't even think about it."

"But Jane—!"

"Lisbon, the CBI was there long before us and it will be here long after we're gone." He snapped his fingers and pointed to the chess board. "Let's get back to the game."

"You just kicked the phone underneath my bed."

"Drastic times call for drastic measures."

"Jane, I now how bad this can be," she said, "The only way this could be worst was if I was raped inside the building."

"Lisbon—."

"Not that it matters anyways," she said in a low voice, "I couldn't even defend myself." Lisbon shook her head. "I'm a cop, Jane, I've had training. How could I not stop this from happening to me? I should have stopped him."

"You did everything you could." He'd seen the crime scene, he knew that she'd fought with everything she had.

"Obviously not. He could have killed me and I couldn't have stopped him." She reached up and touched her bare throat, empty of her cross. He knew she was imagining that bastard's hands around her throat. Meanwhile he couldn't shake the image of her lying in the alley, her eyes blank and lifeless. She wasn't the only one having nightmares.

"Why didn't he kill me?" she asked.

Jane opted for silence. What other choice was there?

"Because he wanted me to suffer," Lisbon said, "I know, you don't have to say it." She swallowed hard. "This is all my fault."

Jane frowned at her and shook his head. "No it's not."

"But—."

"Stop," he cut her off, "You did _nothing_ wrong."

"What did I do right then? If it's not my fault, then whose is it?"

"It's his," Jane said, "He did this, not you."

"I don't even know who _he_ is," Lisbon reminded him, "I'm an investigator. I catch killers. I've been doing that long before I met you. I was the youngest SFPD full rank detective. I earned my position at the CBI on my own. But with my own case, I can't even begin to guess who did it. What does that tell you?"

"That I have a lot of work to do," Jane said, "It's my job to find this guy, not yours."

"Right," she murmured with a tiny nod, "It's my case. I can't be the investigator…I'm the victim."

Jane shook his head at her. "Lisbon, you're not a victim. You're a survivor."

"How? We both know he never would have killed me. I didn't survive anything, I just endured. I'm an endurer."

"That's not a word."

"You know what I mean."

"No I don't," he said, "You didn't endure anything, you fought. You're a fighter, Lisbon, you always have been. That means that you will never be a victim."

She looked down at the now forgotten chess board. "Let's just get back to the game."

Jane knew that meant she didn't believe him. He could argue the point some more, but she wouldn't listen. Not yet anyways. Maybe when it wasn't so fresh.

"It's your move," he said instead.

Lisbon nodded and picked up her bishop and set it down, taking one of his knights. They played in silence for a little while, something they had never done before. The first time they had played had been a few weeks after he'd first arrived at the CBI. He's noticed the board in her office and insisted on a game. She'd lost and demanded a rematch the next day. Six rematches later, she gave up after hurling the board across the room. It had taken two years before he could coax another game out of her. She'd lost again. At least that time she didn't throw the board.

Jane moved his rook and put her king in check. Lisbon studied the board for a moment and then used her queen to block the check. Temporarily the right move, but Jane was already planning his next several moves. This game was already won but she didn't know it yet.

"Tommy mentioned that you had a nightmare."

She took one of his pawns and then gaped at him. "He told you?"

"No, he told James. I'm just a good listener."

She scowled at him with a shake of her head. "Look, I don't want to talk about it."

"You don't have to," he said, "I can figure it out myself."

"Jane, don't."

"You always say sharing is good, since you won't share then I'll have to do it myself."

"Jane—."

"That alley was dark, very little light, that's something that would stay with you."

"Stop," she said and shook her head.

"You feel like you couldn't stop him, that you didn't do enough. This unnecessary guilt undoubtedly made its way into your dream. My guess is that you were restrained in some way. Cuffs?" He studied her for a second and then shook his head. "No, just immobile."

"Shut up," she hissed and then rubbed at her arms, squirming now in the bed.

"He was touching you, but you couldn't see who he was."

"Shut up, Jane! Just shut up!" She drew her legs up until she could lock her arms around her knees. She put her head down so he couldn't see her face anymore, but he could see her body quivering.

Jane pushed the tray out of the way and scooted close towards her. He raised one hand to put it on her knee, but he remembered what Tommy had said to his brother. She was still haphephobic. He out his hand back down.

"Lisbon," he said her name softly, but she still didn't look up. "Lisbon, please look at me."

She slowly lifted her head up from her knees. Her cheeks were dry, but her eyes were glossy. The shaking wasn't from crying then, but from remembering the dream and subsequently the attack.

"I'm sorry," he said, "I'm just trying to help. You won't get over these nightmares if you keep them to yourself."

"I don't want to get over them. I don't want to have them at all. So I'm just not going to sleep from now on."

"That's your plan, no sleep," he said skeptically.

"Really?" she questioned, "You want to tell me to sleep? How many times have I found you at work, napping on that couch at three in the afternoon?"

"Napping is still sleeping," he reminded her.

"Well I won't sleep at all."

"Lisbon, the only way you can do that is if you replaced all of your blood with coffee," he said, "But then you'd get all jittery."

She finally cracked a smile. Jane decided to keep pressing it. "I can see you now, shaking and dancing around like a marionette." He used his hands to mime the gestures of a puppeteer. "And you know your voice gets all squeaky when you have too much caffeine, like a chipmunk."

That did it, she actually broke down and started laughing. It wasn't a complete display of mirth and only lasted a few seconds, but it was enough to put her back at ease. Jane smiled and pulled the tray back between them. "How about we finish this game?"

She nodded. "Okay."

In four moves, Jane had Lisbon's king in checkmate. At the declaration of his victory, Lisbon didn't pout, hiss out profanity or slap the board across the room. She smiled at her fallen king. "You won."

"Yes, I'm five-zero."

"Its just…I half expected you to let me win or something," she said, "I mean Tommy let me win at cards last night."

"There is no believable way you could beat me at chess," Jane said, "To be honest, I have to draw out these games so they don't end so quickly."

Lisbon's jaw fell open and she grabbed her queen and threw it at him. Jane chuckled as it bounced harmless against his shoulder. She smiled again, but it fell away as she glanced around at her plethora of flowers. "I just don't want everyone's pity."

"I don't pity you," Jane said, "I hate that this happened, but I don't pity you. But I am here to help."

"Thanks," she said, "But I don't really need any. I can handle this on my own."

Jane gave her a nod. He knew if he told her the truth, that she couldn't do this on her own, she wouldn't take it well. Right now she didn't need an argument. Instead he said, "There is no shame in needing help, I'm just saying."

"I know," she said, "But I'll be fine."

As always, Lisbon was a terrible liar.

* * *

><p>The background checks of the staff were still running through with nothing solid coming up except for one public intoxication, but that was a far cry from sexual assault. But there were still a lot of names left on the list and the team was still thinking that by the end of the day, they would have a name.<p>

When Jane came back into the bullpen they all knew immediately where he had been. "How is she?" Grace asked as soon as he walked in.

"The same," Jane told her. He decided to omit Lisbon's nightmare and her irrational belief that all of this was somehow her fault. "But she does want everyone to go home and get some sleep."

Cho didn't even look up from his desk. "We're not doing that."

"Didn't think so." He sat heavily down on his couch. Sure none of them were planning to listen to their team leader but that didn't mean they weren't exhausted. It wasn't just nearing forty-eight hours without sleep fatigue, it was a weariness brought on from being emotionally drained. They might not want to sleep…but it did seem like a good idea.

Grace stifled a yawn and reached for her coffee cup only to see that it was empty. Damn. She stood up from her desk with one destination in mind: the break room. The good news was that the coffee pot had a fresh pot of coffee so she didn't have to go through the process of making her own. She just refilled her cup, stifled another yawn and walked back to her desk. She was shaking a sugar packet ready to sweeten the brew when she glanced back up at her computer screen. "Oh my God."

"What?" Cho asked.

"I got a hit on one of the staff, he was arrested…for voyeurism."

That perked them all up, except for Rigsby who had dozed off on his desk. "Didn't you say that sexual assault could be a progressive crime?" Grace pointed out, "That people start small."

"Like Peeping Toms," Cho finished.

Jane nodded. "It can be." He stood up and walked over to Grace's desk. "Let me see his record."

Cho stood up from his desk to do the same thing, but not before slapping the back of Rigsby's head. "Huh what?" Rigsby said looking around. He blinked a couple of times and saw that they were crowded around Grace's desk. "Did you find something?"

"Staff member with an criminal record," Cho replied.

"Who is he?" Rigsby asked, stepping away from his desk and rubbing his tired eyes.

"He was the event organizer, his name is Lee Myers. He was arrested five years ago for videotaping three women in the shower at his gym." Grace replied, reading through the report.

Rigsby crouched down next to his friends to look at the picture and froze. "I know him."

They all looked up at him. "You do?"

"He was on the security footage," Rigsby explained, "I saw him with Lisbon."

That was news.

It was something of a mad dash to Rigsby's desk so they could watch the footage. Rigsby forwarded the tape to the moment that he had been referring to. "It was just after she arrived, she ran into him…but watch…he keeps staring at her." He forwarded the tape to a couple of hours, "And here again, he just keeps watching her."

"That's creepy," Grace said.

Rigsby paused the tape. "If this guy was a Peeping Tom once, maybe he was working his way up to something more."

It was a possibility and in many cases, it would make absolute sense. Cho sighed and looked up to the other member of their team. "Jane, what do you think?"

Jane had his eyes on the tape but he wasn't looking at the possible suspect. No, his eyes were focused on the image of Lisbon that was before him. He didn't look away but finally answered. "I think we should pursue every possibility."

That wasn't exactly the resounding call to action they had been expecting. "So…do you think it's him?" Grace asked.

Jane shrugged. "Too early to tell." Before moving away from the group.

Cho made the decision to bring Lee Meyers in for questioning and the rest of the team seemed satisfied with that. Jane wasn't enthused but sat back down on his couch, keeping his suspicions to himself.

He had a feeling this case was more complicated than they thought.

* * *

><p>A side effect of working in law enforcement was that a cop learned a great deal about the press: how they worked and how they resembled vultures. Lisbon had never cared for reporters. The spotlight was uncomfortable for her so she never sang her own praises and only did the bare minimum of media exposure that was necessary for her job. But now she was center stage for the biggest scoop on the CBI, no way to keep a low profile. Thankfully no reporters had called or snuck into her room yet. Probably Wainwright had said she was unavailable for comment.<p>

But the conversation she'd had with Jane did tell her that the press was taking potshots at the Bureau. She had to know what they were saying. Unfortunately, she knew that if she asked Tommy for a newspaper, he would conveniently leave out the pages that concerned her case. It seemed like she had no choice but to live in an undesired ignorance.

But opportunity has a funny way of showing up whenever it is least expected.

Tommy had left to go to the cafeteria for food and her door was still open. Lisbon was watching some stupid soap opera since the hospital only had three and a half channels. It was the rustle of newspaper that pulled her attention away from some creepy guy trying to seduce some girl who looked about sixteen years old.

Some nurse in green scrubs was sitting in a chair reading a newspaper. The fancy title script told her it was the _News and Review_. Perfect, Hathaway worked for the _Chronicle._ She didn't want to read his article since it probably started with the word 'yay'.

The nurse picked up his coffee, tilted the cup back and then stared into it. Either his coffee had gone cold or he was out. He tossed the newspaper onto his chair and then stood up. Lisbon ignored her screaming muscles and bruises and she scrambled out of her bed, grateful that she didn't need an IV or heart probes. She stopped at her doorway and looked around. Everyone was too busy to see the patient streak across the hall, snatch the newspaper in her hand and then scurry back into her room.

Lisbon lay back into her bed and flipped the paper away from the sports section, back to the front page. The big headline was about a senator's recent meeting with a prostitute, but beneath that was the piece of news she had been looking for.

_CBI Agent Assaulted at Ball_

_ The CBI is investigating the case of one of their own. Special Agent Teresa Lisbon was sexually assaulted while attending a fundraising event for the California Bureau of Investigation at Capitol Plaza._

_ According to law enforcement, Agent Lisbon briefly left the party and was then brutally attacked by an unknown assailant. She was dragged to an alley less than a hundred yards from the ballroom containing two hundred of her colleagues and was beaten and raped._

_ She was later found in the parking lot by a fellow CBI employee in a state of shock. She was brought to the hospital and is currently being treated for her injuries. According to CBI Director Gail Bertram, Agent's Lisbon's injuries are not life threatening. "Her wounds are minor, but this is a severe blow to our Bureau. It cuts us straight to the heart."_

_ The CBI is conducting an investigation to find Agent Lisbon's attacker, but they have yet to release any leads. When asked about how this could happen with her colleagues so near, Director Bertram could offer no comment. _

_ "We are doing everything in our power to find [Agent Lisbon's] attacker," Bertram said, "We are confident that this man will be found soon and justice will be done. We take care of our own." However, many people have expressed concern in the CBI's ability to protect the citizens of California if they cannot prevent the assault of one of their agents._

_ Agent Lisbon is still recovering and is not available for comment on her case. She is the leader of the Major Crimes Unit and is expected to return to work as soon as she has recovered from her injuries._

On the surface, the article seemed to be a typical reiteration of her attack. But Lisbon had learned to read Media Speak over the years. The journalist was bringing into question the Bureau's capability in protecting the public. Right now the CBI was being examined with a microscope. If they didn't put a face and a name and cuffs onto her rapist then it was fair game for the press to smear out the failures of the CBI. She knew eventually it would be pointed out that Red John had yet to be caught, as well as other cases that were still unsolved.

If she had fought harder then she could have stopped her rape. If she had succeeded to thwarting him then she may be reading _CBI Agent Successfully Stops Would Be Rapist_. It would be an article about how she had beaten her attacker out of his plans, list his name and the charges filed against him. The press would be singing the praises of the CBI, pointing out how well-trained its agents were.

This was all her fault.

"Reese, what are doing?"

Lisbon looked up from her stolen newspaper and saw Tommy standing in her doorway. He shook his head at the paper. "How did you get that?"

"I found it."

"Reese, you shouldn't be reading that."

"Why not? It's about me isn't it? Shouldn't I be the judge of my own news." She glanced back at her article. "_Her wounds are minor, but this is a severe blow to our Bureau. It cuts us straight to the heart. _You think he came up with that on his own or did he have someone write it for him?"

"Reese—."

"I like the part where he questions the CBI's reliability. But I think 'many people have expressed concern in Agent Lisbon's ability to protect the citizens of California since she wanders outside alone and lets herself be—."

Tommy ripped the paper from her hands, crumbled it into a ball and threw it into the trash. "Don't you dare say that, Teresa," Tommy said in fury, "You didn't ask for this."

She gave him a bitter smile. "I'm just pointing out what they're really thinking. It's not the first time my name has been in the papers. I probably won't frame this article though."

"Reese, don't do this. Stop blaming yourself."

Her smile fell away. "Who can I blame then? I can't blame the CBI. They didn't attack me, they didn't fail to protect me. I was the one who failed. I could have tried harder."

"You did try."

She shook her head at him. "Not enough. Look at me, Tommy, is this the face of someone who tried to defend herself? This is the face of a failure. I know that. This is just something I have to live with."

She lay back down into her bed and flipped over so her back was to him. "Reese," Tommy begged out her name, but she refused to look at him. Instead she let the tears quietly slip down her cheeks. It seemed she could never cry enough now. Her well of sorrow could never run dry.

* * *

><p>Lee Meyers was clearly nervous as he sat in the interrogation room; he was constantly shifting in his seat and looking around the plain empty room. Jane and Cho watched him from behind the mirror in the observation room. He turned towards Cho with raised eyebrows. "I don't think so."<p>

"He's a voyeur." Cho reminded him.

"So are a lot of nineteen year olds."

"He's not nineteen."

"He is in his mind."

Cho shook his head. "We still have to question him."

Jane had a feeling this would be a waste of time but on the off chance that there was more to this guy, then it was necessary. Of course when Lee jumped in his seat as soon as they walked in, Jane was even more certain that this was going to get them nowhere.

"I don't know why you brought me in here…but I didn't do anything wrong."

"Then you won't mind telling us what you were doing at the CBI fundraiser," Cho segued into interrogation mode.

Lee blinked a couple of times. "I was one of the organizers. I was there to make sure everything was going smoothly."

"So what does that job entail?" Jane asked, earning an annoyed look from Cho.

But Lee took it seriously. "Making sure the bar is stocked, the food isn't running low, stuff like that."

"Interesting," Jane said nodding just a little. He was trying to keep him at ease for the inevitable hammer blow from Cho.

"Five years ago you were arrested for voyeurism," Cho pointed out.

Lee looked ashamed. "Yeah that was stupid. But that was a long time ago."

"Did you meet Agent Lisbon at the fundraiser?" Cho asked with a slightly harder edge to his voice.

"Who?" Lee said and then it dawned on him. "Is she the woman that was attacked? Well I didn't see her."

"Then you weren't staring at her all night?"

"No!"

Cho put down one of the security stills that showed Lee watching Lisbon walking away. "You still going to say you don't know her?"

Lee looked down at the photograph on the table a little too long for Jane's taste. When he did look back at Cho it was in surprise. "Is she the one that was hurt?"

"Yeah," Cho told him coldly, "were you the one that hurt her?"

"No!"

"But you were watching her all night."

"No…well yes but it isn't what you think."

"You want to know what I really think?" Cho said leaning forward. "I think you went to the ball and you saw Agent Lisbon, you like what you saw. So when you saw her alone outside you took your opportunity."

"Opportunity?"

"You dragged her out into the alley, you beat her and you raped her."

"What? No!" Lee exclaimed. "I didn't hurt her. I swear to God I didn't touch her!"

"But you were staring at her," Jane stated.

Lee looked down at the table in shame. It was as good as a confession on that point. "It wasn't anything you are thinking."

"You already know what I think," Cho reminded him.

"I just…I was watching her but I didn't do anything to her."

"Then why were you watching her?"

Lee shifted around uncomfortably in his seat. "I...I don't want to say."

Cho gave him a cold look. "Why were you watching her?"

Lee lowered his head and whispered very quickly. "Because she has the hottest ass I've ever seen outside of a really filthy magazine."

They hadn't been expecting _that_ answer.

Jane and Cho exchanged surprised looks and for several moments they were both quiet. Finally Jane was able to find his voice and break the awkward moment. "We'll pass that along to her." He ignored Cho's annoyed expression and went into for the finish. "Let me see your hands, Lee."

"What? Why?"

"Because I'm on this side of the table and I get to tell you what to do," He replied simply and took up Lee's hands, carefully feeling his pulse points. He looked him straight in the eye. "Did you hurt Lisbon?"

Lee's eyes darted to Cho's questioningly but didn't find any help from that area of the room. Finally he looked back at Jane and simply answered, "No."

Jane studied him for a moment longer and then dropped his hands. "Good. Well I'm done here." He pushed his chair back and stood up to leave the room.

When Cho followed him out of the room Jane earned another disapproving look from the man. "What?" Jane asked but he didn't wait for an answer. "Come on, that guy couldn't have done it."

"You don't know that."

"Look at him. He's a small weakling that Lisbon would have made minced meat out of, there is no way that this man could have subdued her."

"And what about his voyeurism charge?"

"Well he does have a perverted mind but he's really nothing more than a visual person, pornography and such, he doesn't have the guts to turn fantasy into reality."

"That's not enough to eliminate him from the list," Cho said, "We need evidence to prove it wasn't him."

"You'll find it." Jane gestured in the direction of the bullpen. "Let's look at that surveillance video again."

Rigsby and Grace were throwing back more coffee when Jane and Cho returned. "Was it him?" Grace asked.

"Jane doesn't think so, but he doesn't have any evidence."

"I'll prove it," Jane said, "Rigsby, get that surveillance video up."

Rigsby fiddled with his computer until the video filled the screen again. "Go to 11:23," Jane instructed.

"We already determined that Lisbon exited out the side door," Cho said.

"What about Lee Myers? Where was he?" None of them had an answer to that.

"Okay, this is it." The screen was split into four different footages. They could still see Lisbon heading out the door on the top right reel. Jane slowly scanned the other screens, looking at each face until he found the one he wanted. "There, there's Myers." He pointed to the bottom left screen.

Myers was standing by the bar which had been on the other side of the room from Lisbon's exit. "Play the tape," Jane said.

They watched as Myers stood there sipping at a martini. Rigsby kept the reel on fast forward, but it was easy to keep track of him because he didn't move. At one point a woman stood next to him to order a cocktail. Myers purposefully knocked her little clutch from the bar and then ogled the view her low cut dress made when she bent down.

"You think she has the best cleavage outside a really filthy magazine?" Jane asked Cho who only grunted in reply. The others gave him a look of shock and confusion. "I'll explain later."

When midnight came around, Myers was still at the bar. "Okay, so it wasn't him," Cho said.

Grace sighed and shook her head. "Damn," Rigsby whispered.

The heavy clomp of expensive shoes attracted Jane's attention. He turned around and then whispered to the group. "Inspection crew."

"What?" Grace said. They all turned to see Director Bertram and Wainwright had walked into the bullpen.

"Agent Cho," Bertram said, "Any progress on Lisbon's case?"

"We've been going through the staff at the fundraiser," Cho said, "We thought we had a lead, but we've just eliminated him. As far as we can tell, none of the staff at the event had a history or motive in her assault."

"What's the next step?" Wainwright asked.

Cho opened his mouth to say something, but Bertram spoke up before he could get a word out. "Naturally, they would look into predators that may have been in the area, reports of peeping toms and assaulters that have been there before. Am I right?"

"If you want to go in the wrong direction, then, yes, you're right," Jane said.

Bertram scowled at him. He cleared his throat in his pretentious way and asked, "Then what is the right direction?"

"We look into the guests, particularly those in law enforcement or associated with them."

Wainwright's and Bertram had matching open mouthed, wide-eyed looks. Even the other members of the team looked shocked. "You think it was one of us?" Wainwright asked.

"Well not any of us here," Jane said while gesturing to those currently in the room, "But if you look at the facts as a whole it's clear that it was someone who understands cops."

Bertram shook his head. "I don't buy it. No one in law enforcement would hurt Lisbon."

"You can't say that."

"Yes I can. You point out all the time how us cops are like a protective family."

"True," Jane said, "but the most passionate hatred is often family bred. I'm telling you, it was someone she knew that did this."

"Jane, how can you be so sure?" Grace asked.

"The attack was brutal, much more than was necessary if it was some passerby looking for sex," Jane explained, "Whoever attacked Lisbon didn't just want to dominate her, this was revenge."

"Plenty of sexual criminals use excessive force," Bertram said, "It's part of the thrill."

Jane turned around and pointed at Rigsby. "If you were a sexual predator, prowling around at night and you stumbled upon a beautiful woman in an evening dress, what is the first thing you would do?"

Rigsby blinked at him. "Jane, I don't know."

"Don't over think it, just say what you would do."

"Uh, grab her I guess."

"Exactly," Jane said and then turned back around to Bertram, "If it was some stranger he would have grabbed her. She would then have stomped onto his instep with her heel, kicked him in the groin and then broken his nose with her elbow. As he was writhing in pain, Lisbon would have called in security and we would have had a much happier ending.

"But that didn't happen," Jane said, "Instead, what did?"

"He slammed her head against the wall," Cho said.

"Why did he do that?"

"It temporarily incapacitated her," Grace answered.

Jane nodded. "He knew to subdue her first because he knew she would fight back, he knew she had training. He knew all of this because he knew she was cop. Coupled with the fact that Lisbon recalled him wearing a dress shirt, then it is clear that it had to have been someone at the fundraiser."

Bertram let out a grumbling sound and shook his head. "Interesting theory, but it's not enough. Agent Cho, I want to look into every possibility, including those outside the Plaza. We want this man found as soon as possible."

"Yes sir," Cho said.

"I'm telling you, it was someone at the party," Jane said.

"And I'm telling you that we have to consider every theory, not just yours," Bertram said. He nodded to Cho. "Keep us apprised."

"Of course."

Jane glared at the director's back as he walked away with Wainwright. If some dark chasm swallowed that man whole then Jane would buy everyone champagne to celebrate. Bertram hadn't become director because he was a good cop, but because he knew how to play dirty with politics.

"You really think it was someone we know?" Grace asked Jane once the bosses were gone.

He gave her a nod. "I'm certain. This wasn't some random act of violence, this was personal. He wanted her to suffer."

"Why?"

"We find that out, then we'll know who did this." Jane replied. His gaze was focused on the hallway, the people who passed through the halls.

The others noticed his look. "You think he works here." Cho said.

"It certainly is a possibility."

"Jane," Rigsby began, "there were over two hundred men at the fundraiser. A lot of them are high up in law enforcement or are major donors to the CBI."

Jane nodded. "I know."

Cho exchanged glances with Rigsby. "Going through the whole guest list will take a long time."

"If that is what it takes."

They didn't say anything for a long time. But Jane saw the three of them glancing up occasionally and looking around at those passing by. They were all wondering the same thing: is it him? Someone they knew had done this unspeakable thing. The worst part was not knowing who.

"You should go home," Jane finally said. "You've been working very hard and you need to sleep. There isn't anything more that you can do now and nothing that can't wait until the morning." He looked them each in the eye. "Go home. It's what Lisbon wants."

For a long moment no one moved as they wrestled with the guilt of leaving and the sheer exhaustion they all felt. To go home now without a real lead felt like giving up. The truth was that there was nothing more that could be done at the moment, if Jane was right then this was even more complicated then they first believed.

Fatigue won the battle and one by one the three agents reluctantly gathered their things and filed out of the bullpen. Jane watched them leave, never moving from his perch on his couch. He knew this would be hard for them, coming to terms with this truth.

Lisbon's rapist was almost certainly someone they all knew.

But they still didn't have a name.

* * *

><p>Lisbon was alone in her room when Jane knocked softly on the doorway. She smiled when she saw him but like all of her smiles nowadays, they were fake. "Hey," she said, "You just missed Tommy, I finally convinced him to leave and get some sleep on a real bed."<p>

He returned her smile with a faux one of his own. It was still hard to see her with her skin covered in dark purple bruises and her eyes filled with so much pain. "How are you doing?"

She lowed her eyes and shook her head. "I wish you people would stop asking me that."

Jane sighed heavily and nodded, looking down at the floor. "I suppose it is a ridiculous question to ask."

"I'm ready to go home," Lisbon told him, "I shouldn't be here anymore."

"You need more time to recover."

"And I have to be in a hospital to do that?" Lisbon shot back, "I'm going crazy here. I can't just sit around anymore, I need to do something."

Jane stepped forward so he was next to her bed but he leaned up against the wall, careful to remain at a distance that was comfortable for her. "Lisbon, you should wait and rest, listen to the doctors."

"Look who's calling the kettle black. When you were in the hospital you annoyed the staff so much they begged me to take you away."

That was different. He was the one in the hospital then. Lisbon was another story; in her case he wanted her to stay as long as possible, until she was back one hundred percent.

Of course for that to happen he would have to turn back time to before she'd been attacked.

"Yes well, you should never follow my example." She met his eyes again, but didn't say anything. Lisbon didn't agree with his answer but it was difficult to dispute. Most of their time together had been spent trying to do the exact opposite of what he did after all.

He cracked a smile again. "You should get some rest."

"And sleep?" Lisbon finished and shook her head. "I don't sleep anymore, Jane."

He didn't doubt that. When she closed her eyes nightmares would haunt her. He could imagine the horrors she saw then, the pain and anxiety that gripped her any time she managed to drift away. He couldn't decide what was worse, the dreams or the reality she faced.

"That will pass," he assured her.

"Has it for you?"

Well she had him there. Nine years had not helped him much, he still spent most nights tossing and turning before eventually giving up entirely. But this was different; Lisbon had no guilt to bear in this tragedy. Jane shrugged, "Apples and oranges."

"How so?" she asked but she didn't wait for an answer. "I wish everyone would stop pretending that everything will be fine, that all I need is _time_. You don't think I know how screwed up I am now? I worked cases like this in San Francisco, I met those women and I saw how ripped up they were inside…now I'm one of them." Lisbon shook her head, "Stop tiptoeing around the issue, just say it, Jane. I was raped. Keeping the word to yourself isn't going to change what happened, you're the one who told me that."

He was caught off guard by her anger. Jane knew he had been avoiding using the word 'rape' out loud; he just couldn't link the word with Lisbon. It hurt too much to know that something like this had happened to her. But he also knew that she wasn't really angry at him, she was angry with the man who did this to her, angry at the situation that she couldn't control, and unfortunately, she was angry with herself. She had the misguided notion that she should have prevented this.

It was a terrible thought and completely false. Lisbon was not at fault for what happened, not a single part of it.

"You aren't screwed up, Lisbon," he told her softly.

"I won't even let my brother touch me," she reminded him. "My _brother_! He isn't going to hurt me! But every time he gets too close I just…I can feel _his_ hands on me." Lisbon shook her head, "I know I'm messed up. I know I'm not the same woman that I was. I don't even feel like myself anymore. I'm not a person, I'm evidence."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is. The photographs, the rape kit, the list of injuries, it's all in the report. That's _me_, Jane. For the first time in my life I'm not the investigator on a case…I'm the victim."

"No, you're not."

"Just stop it, Jane! Just stop!" Lisbon exclaimed, "I saw my little article in the paper, I read it." She scoffed at it with a bitter smile. "Front page, below the fold. What an honor. Maybe if he'd killed me I'd be headline news."

Jane's head snapped up and his eyes flashed at her. "Never say that again." His words were cold and harsh, his anger fueling power behind the words. The one saving grace was that she was alive, that was the only way this could be worse. He knew that she was going through possibly the worst thing a living person could face…but she wasn't dead.

He wanted to kill the bastard for what he did to Lisbon but he was grateful too that she hadn't been killed as well. If she was dead…well Jane didn't know if _he_ would survive.

Lisbon was quiet for a while, obviously aware that she had said the wrong thing. But she didn't apologize. Her voice was free of any emotion when she finally did speak. "I'm tired of the pity. I can't take it anymore, no amount of sympathy is going help me get through this."

He knew what she meant. He hated it when people told him they were sorry for what happened to his family. What good was being sorry going to do? It was a useless thing to say.

"I understand how you feel," Jane told her.

But apparently that was the wrong thing to say.

Lisbon's head snapped up and she eyed him with real anger. "You understand how I feel? How could you possibly _understand_? You don't! You can't possibly imagine!

"You don't know what it is like to be violated. You don't know how it feels to have someone slam your head up against the wall and drag you away by your hair. How he punches you in the stomach so hard that you can't even breathe. You don't know what it is like to be tossed to the ground like trash, to feel him on top of you."

Tears filled her eyes and began to spill down her cheeks but her words were still laced with venom. "You have no idea. You've never had someone snap your wrist when you try to fight him. To be completely at their mercy…except they have none. You don't know what it is like to have someone laugh at you and then lick your face. You've never known the horror of someone ripping open your clothes and when you try to scream, he stuffs his fist in your mouth and punches you so hard across the face that all you see is white. You've never felt that pain…when every time he _enters_ you…you feel like you are being split in two.

"So don't tell me you understand," She spat out, "you don't know _anything_."

Jane was stunned.

He stood there with a blank expression on his face as she explained thoroughly just how it felt to be violated. The graphic detail, the imagery it all conveyed, it was far too much for even him to stay calm.

Without a word Jane slowly walked out of her room.

He didn't go far.

Jane stood outside in the hallway and leaned up against the wall. He was shaking. His chest heaved with every breath as he tried to swallow back his churning emotions. Tears fell from his eyes, leaving wet tracts down his face. He knew that what she had experienced was horrific…but it was so much easier to not know the fine details.

He was angry. No, he was livid. He wanted to find the man who did this to her and let him feel her pain, even though it couldn't compare.

But he was also terribly sad.

Lisbon was completely shattered. That was something he couldn't ignore any longer. He hated it. For as long as he had known her she had been his rock, his anchor, the one thing that could keep him grounded. But now she was the one who was damaged, the one who needed to be saved.

Then he would have to help her. That was all there was to it.

Jane wiped the tears from his cheeks and took in a steady breath. He had to face her again, she might not want help but she needed it. With that determination set, he turned around to enter the room.

Lisbon was sobbing.

Her knees were drawn up to her chest and she had her arms wrapped around them. She hid her face in that small cocoon of limbs while she wept. Her whole body was shaking and heaving with every breath she took.

Eventually she looked up and her wet eyes met his. "I'm sorry," she told him and proceeded to cry harder, "I'm so sorry." Then she hid her face from him once again.

Jane was at a loss as to what to do. He'd rarely seen Lisbon vulnerable and he had never seen her sob before. Normally he would try to comfort her…but she didn't want to be touched.

But as she continued to croon Jane found he couldn't stop himself. With a will of it's own his hand reached over and covered hers. He expected her to pull away, to yank herself free from his touch.

She didn't.

Instead Lisbon actually latched onto his arm, pulling her closer to him. "I'm sorry." She repeated. And despite not being able to see her eyes, Jane knew exactly what she wanted him to do.

He sat down on the side of her bed and pulled her up against him. She rested her head against his chest and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close, locking her in a safe and warm embrace. He was surprised that she was letting him do this but he was not going to question it, instead he was grateful for the chance to help. Her sobs began to subside but she was still crying.

"Shhhh," Jane whispered into hair, "don't apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for." He tilted her head so that she was looking into his eyes again. "You hear me? Don't ever apologize for this."

Her lips trembled but she smiled just a little before burying her head into his chest once more. Jane didn't mind though, he just continued to cradle her in his arms.

He was helping her, he was content with that.

* * *

><p>AN: How about that? Jane can not only touch her but he can hold her...why is that? Well you'll find out eventually. The next chapter will focus a bit more on Lisbon's perspective on what has happened to her and we'll get to see her interact with the team a bit, they haven't really spoken to her since the attack after all. Those will be some interesting scenes. AND there is another Jisbony scene next chapter so stay tuned.

Review and we work faster, it's proven by science.


	4. Somewhere Safe

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Holy crap! Almost 60 reviews already, I simply cannot believe it! I never thought this fic would connect with people this way but I really am touched by all of these reviews. You make me want to come home from class and start writing as soon as I get in (stupid homework!) hehehe. It seems like that final scene with Jane and Lisbon in chapter 3 really touched people, well you'll see more of that in this chapter, I hope you enjoy it.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Sorry for the wait, darn school. But we're here and I think this one is a good one. One thing a lot of people have been pointing out is that this story seems researched, well it is. We actually did A LOT of research into rape, the different kinds of rapes, how to recover from rape, how to treat a rape victim and the history of rape. We even read some anonymous stories from Take Back The Night. Uh yeah, I sincerely hope no one looks at our search history because they will be terrified, LOL. All of this was done so you all can get a real feel for the pain and trauma a rape victim goes through. It's not going to be easy, but we hope you'll all come out enlightened and pleased with the result.

Remember we respond to all reviews so please sign in so we can PM you, but we like to respond to those anonymous reviewers too.

Anonymous Reviews:

**Flicka:** Yes Jane does want him dead, but he isn't the only one. In a much later chapter you'll see exactly what we mean here. We already know on the show that Jane has no qualms with revenge, we see no reason why that would be any different with Lisbon's rapist.

**mmm:** Our school is damned LOL, well we try to find the time to work on this story. We seem to be doing alright for now.

**Anna:** Awww thanks! Well we try! Hope this update is soon enough for you

**123TellMeYouLoveMe:** That final scene was something we really wanted to do, it was important to show Lisbon's feelings of isolation as well as her own anger. But also to show how much this is really affecting Jane. As the story progresses it will become even more apparent that Jane is living with this tragedy almost as much as Lisbon is, in a lot of ways, that will bring them closer together. Yes it was sweet how she let him hold her, we're afraid you'll have to get used to that ;-) As for the intensity, ooooh the intensity of this fic is no where near it's peak. Chapter 5 will give you a big taste of what to expect, we guarantee it. We'll never apologize for the longer chapters, we love writing them!

* * *

><p>Chapter 4: Somewhere Safe<p>

Lisbon was anxious to go home. The hospital room was quickly feeling like a cage, a cage where there seemed to be an endless stream of doctors and nurses coming in to check up on her. She hated it. And she couldn't help but notice that there seemed to be more than usual.

One nurse had come in to check her blood pressure early that morning; another had come by later to check her injuries. After a completely different nurse had dropped off her breakfast tray, Lisbon began to get concerned.

"Why are so many nurses coming in here?" she wondered aloud as she stirred a fork through the dry scrambled eggs on her tray.

"This is a hospital," Tommy reminded her, "that's usually where you can find nurses."

She glared at his response. "Do you think they are coming by to watch me?"

"No I think they are doing their job." Lisbon didn't reply; she wasn't as convinced. Even during her brief stay in the hospital after she was shot by O'Laughlin she hadn't had this many nurses filing into her room.

Lisbon turned her attention towards the food in front of her but she didn't take more than a couple of bites before setting it aside. "You should eat," Tommy said.

"Hospital food sucks," she told him. That was true but it wasn't _the _truth.

"Then why don't I go get you something? A bagel? Muffin?"

"I'm fine, Tommy." She wasn't hungry. She hadn't actually had a real appetite since the attack. Food was the last thing on her mind now.

Tommy let out a long sigh. "What can I do for you, Reese? What do I have to do to make this easier on you?"

"Take me home?" Lisbon offered with a fake smile but Tommy didn't take the bait. She looked down at her scraped hands and stubby fingernails, clipped for evidence. Tommy was trying so hard; he was doing exactly what he was supposed to. He was being the concerned brother who was supportive and sweet. She was the one that was messing everything up. "You're doing enough already," she finally told him, "this is just going to be hard."

This would have been the perfect opportunity for Tommy to hold her hand, to take comfort in each other's presence. But he didn't, she was grateful for that. She didn't want to see the hurt in his eyes when she pulled away from him again.

A fourth nurse came in to take her virtually untouched breakfast tray; raising her suspicions again that something was afoot. She didn't have a lot of time to ruminate over the endless chain of nurses that enjoyed coming in to see her. A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts.

Rigsby stood awkwardly in the doorway, a little box of tupperware in his hands. His eyes shifted but never fully landed on her, he didn't want to look at her. She couldn't really blame him; she must look like an absolute mess. "Hey Rigsby," she said with fake cheer.

"Hey," he said slowly but still had a hard time meeting her eyes.

Lisbon gave Tommy a look and he got the message pretty quick. "I'm going to get some coffee," He said standing up and giving her a smile. She needed to talk to her team member alone.

For a long moment they just looked at each other. Lisbon decided to borrow from one of Jane's tactics and wait quietly for Rigsby to talk. It always worked on her. "I uh…brought this," he said and placed the container on her tray.

She couldn't help but smile when she saw the small pile of dark brown squares. "Mrs. Cassini's brownies," she said. The lovely old Italian woman was the wife of one Frank Cassini, the security guard, and her brownies were the only reason anyone went to the annual office party. "You know these are used as currency in Financial Crimes," Lisbon reminded him with a small grin. "You sure you want to give these to me?"

"Well I ate a couple on my way over here."

That made her chuckle just a little. That was Rigsby, always thinking with his stomach first. It was nice to see that some things hadn't changed. She noticed his somewhat haggard appearance and remembered her previous conversation with Jane over chess. "I hope you guys went home and got some sleep, you can't run on coffee."

Rigsby nodded slowly. "Yeah, we did."

"That's good." Another long moment of silence followed as Rigsby avoided meeting her eyes. "Anymore suspects?"

He looked up a little surprised by her question; he was definitely uncomfortable talking about her case. "Uh…no, we talked to one of the staff but uh…it wasn't him."

"Oh," she said, not sure what else could be said. They still didn't know who attacked her and with every passing minute the likelihood that they would fell further away.

But that wasn't what hurt her. It was the way Rigsby couldn't look at her. That was what she feared most, that this attack would ruin her relationship with her team. Did they no longer see her as their boss and friend? Had she lost their respect? "Rigsby," she began very softly, "would you please look at me?"

He forced his eyes to meet hers and Lisbon felt her heart crack and splinter. He really didn't want to follow her wish. "I'm…I'm still me," she told him.

"I know that, Boss."

"Then why won't you look me in the eye?"

Rigsby swallowed. "Because I don't like seeing you like this."

Now she was the one who looked away. She didn't want to cry in front of him, shedding even a single tear would only make this worse. But hiding her pain was not possible anymore. Rigsby stepped forward. "It's not what you are thinking," he said and put a hand on her arm.

But she flinched away from his touch and he took a step back quickly. "I'm sorry…I…I forgot."

"No, it's okay," Lisbon told him, but her voice was cracking under the strain of her emotions.

"No, it's not," Rigsby replied.

She turned away on to her side. "Maybe you should just go."

But he didn't move. He was quiet for a long time before saying in a very shaky voice. "Boss it's really…you're still _Lisbon_. It's just…what happened to you…we should have stopped it."

Lisbon turned over to look at him again. "Don't say that. This wasn't your fault. You and the others have nothing to blame yourselves for, there was nothing that you could have done."

He nodded and gave her a small smile. "You going to be okay?"

She returned the smile with a faux one of her own. "Of course," she lied, "I'll be fine. I'll be back at work before you know it." Lisbon decided to keep things light. "Just keep an eye on Jane while I'm gone, don't let him get into too much trouble."

Rigsby smiled again. "I won't."

"Good, now if you don't mind, you have work to do and I have brownies to eat." She kept the smile on her face as he walked out of the door, giving her a small wave of goodbye. Only when he was gone did she let her face fall.

Lisbon put the small container of sweets on the table by her bed and released the breath she had been holding. She'd been able to lie convincingly to Rigsby; the more she kept it up the better.

So far so good.

* * *

><p>Jane was sipping a cup of tea when Rigsby walked into the bullpen, a half an hour later than usual. Cho looked up from his desk work when he saw him. "Where've you been?" he asked without any heat.<p>

"Hospital," Rigsby said, "I was giving Lisbon some of Mrs. Cassini's brownies."

"Did you manage to save some for her?" Jane asked.

Rigsby gave him a half-hearted grin. "Yeah. I hope they cheer her up."

It was a nice thought that chocolate and sugar could work as a balm for the damage done, but Jane knew it was just a dream. Not even Mrs. Cassini's beloved brownies had such healing power.

"How's she doing?" Grace asked.

Rigsby shrugged a little. "Okay, I guess. She still doesn't like to be touched."

Jane frowned a little. "Really?" At Rigsby's nod, he looked back at his teacup. He had wondered if she was recovering from her haphebobia or if she had been to distressed to be affected by his touch, now he was having to consider a different theory. Could it be that she didn't mind it if _he_ touched her? It was something to think about.

There wasn't time to give it much thought because 'Dictator' Bertram walked in with Brenda Shettrick at his side, a notebook in hand. Nope, this wasn't good.

"Sir," Cho said, "What can we do for you?"

"The CBI wants to release a report to the press," Bertram explained, "We were hoping each of you would provide a brief statement about the case."

Jane felt his pulse quickening and he set his cup and saucer on the ground. Outwardly, he forced himself to look calm but inside he was seething. Bertram just wanted to put a band-aid over the whole thing, cover it up so it looked nice and whole again. Never mind the that wound would only fester with his approach until it could reach an incurable level. As long as the CBI, and, by extension, himself looked all right who cared about the individual.

Cho glanced around at the group and shook his head. "Sir, we're still working on this case. We can't comment on it."

"We're not asking you to divulge any details in the investigation, just your thoughts on the case and Agent Lisbon's recovery."

"We'll write something up and give it to you later," Cho said, his peace offering in this unsavory subject.

"Oh, but this won't take long, right Brenda?"

Brenda shook her head. "You don't have to say much, just whatever you're comfortable with."

Jane was sorely tempted to borrow one of Lisbon's favorite expressions and use 'bite me' as his statement. It was short and got the message across, but that wasn't the best way to deal with Bertram.

He stood up from his couch. "Do you want us to catch this man?"

Bertram frowned at him in astonishment. "Of course. What kind of question is that?"

"Then why are you getting in our way?" Jane asked, "If you wanted us to find him then you wouldn't be asking poor Brenda here for our statements. You would let us work in peace."

Now the director's look turned into one of bitter outrage. "I am trying to uphold the integrity of the CBI," he said, "This is a PR nightmare."

Jane nodded. "This is a living nightmare for Lisbon. Sorry, but my sympathies lie with her."

"Agent Lisbon cares about the Bureau, she would not want what happened to her to negatively affect the CBI."

Jane gave him a cold smile. "Yes, it's obvious where your loyalties lie."

"Mr. Jane, you would benefit with more cooperation."

"From you, absolutely," Jane agreed.

This was doomed to be yet another verbal sparring match between them, but Brenda wisely stepped in. "I think Cho's idea is best. They can give me a few written lines at their earliest convenience."

"We will," Cho promised.

Bertram never left Jane's gaze, but he nodded in appeasement. "Okay. I expect them by the end of the day."

If that was an order for Jane to comply then Bertram might as well glue some wings to pigs. He was not going to play those PR games. He didn't care about the image of the CBI. He only wanted justice for Lisbon.

"We can go over our next release in my office," Brenda said and took a step towards the exit. Bertram nodded and turned with her.

"Keep me informed on Agent Lisbon's condition," he called over his shoulder.

It was the first mention of any concern towards his wounded agent. Actions spoke volumes of a man and Bertram's was a library of selfishness and greed. It didn't matter. Lisbon didn't need the comfort of such a man. She had enough friends for that.

* * *

><p>Tommy was dozing off in the chair beside Lisbon's bed, snoring very softly. She smiled a little, genuinely touched that her younger brother was so concerned for her, even if she did still wish he had stayed away. She loved her brother but it was hard for her to have to keep up the appearance that she was fine and she knew that he hated seeing her like this.<p>

Lisbon flipped through the channels on the small television set; the volume was low so that Tommy wouldn't wake up too soon. Not that it mattered, the only thing on was day time talk shows and really bad soap operas, none of which held her interest for any length of time. She sighed and continued to search the channels, trying to fight the heavy grip fatigue had over her. She was still sticking to her plan of no sleep; she did not want to wake up screaming all over again.

Lisbon finally settled on a daytime talk show, maybe watching couples screaming over paternity test results would keep her awake. When the sixth different nurse came in to take away her uneaten lunch, Lisbon was reminded of her previous hunch that something was going on with the nursing staff in the hospital. The way the younger woman had eyed her when she had walked in, the small nervous laughter, it all reminded her of a fangirl meeting her crush or an excited groupie. But that didn't make much sense in this kind of setting.

As soon as the nurse left the room, Lisbon slowly eased out of her bed. Unfortunately she woke up Tommy in the process. "Wh—what are you doing?" he asked rubbing his eyes and blinking a couple of times.

"Shhhh," she told him strictly and crept over to her door.

"Get back in bed, Reese."

"Go back to sleep," she told him.

He stood up and walked over to her, "What are you doing?"

She glared at him but her angry scowl wasn't as effective now that he topped her by a good six inches and was no longer ten years old. "Something is up with these nurses."

"Oh for God's sake, Reese," Tommy groaned.

"Shhhh!"

"They are simply doing their job and _you_ are paranoid," Tommy whispered harshly.

Lisbon ignored his words and opened the door just a crack so she could peek out of it. Three nurses were milling at the nearby station, cups of coffee in their hands. She turned her ear to the crack so she could listen in on them.

"…unbelievable, really. You hear about this on the news and on those crime shows, but you never think it will happen in person."

"Amy was on call when they brought her in."

"Lucky bitch, why did I have to have that night off?"

"I know. Amy said that she was completely out of it when she first came in here, just rambling on about how she needed to go home."

Lisbon felt her stomach tighten into a painful knot. Tommy was no longer arguing with her, in fact he was trying to quiet his breathing so it would be easier to hear.

"It's just so exciting! Something like this is happening here! Now! And I got to bring in her lunch tray!"

"A guy raped and beat the crap out of her."

"I know, but still, usually we just get the normal kids breaking their arms or appendectomies, nothing like _this_. I know it's sad and all…but it's kind of cool."

Tommy stepped around her and closed the door completely. "That's enough," his voice was wooden and stern, "why don't you try reading one of the books I brought you."

Lisbon didn't say anything, she didn't move from her spot. "It's like I'm their own personal circus act."

"They are just busybodies who don't know any better."

"I'm that thing they call home about, the little story they tell their friends when they get home from work." Lisbon continued. "Guess what happened today, honey? A rape victim was brought in!" She mocked their high-pitched voice. "She's supposed to be a cop but from the way she looks, it doesn't look like she is."

"Hey!" Tommy said sharply, "That isn't true."

She shook her head. "But it's just so _exciting_, Tommy! A real live rape victim in their hospital."

"Just sit down." He led her over to her bed but was very careful not to touch her. She was fuming anyways that it probably would have ended badly if he had tried. Once she was reclining on her bed again he resumed his seat. "Here," he grabbed one of the books he had brought from her apartment. "Why don't you read this?"

She accepted the book but didn't open it. Instead she stared at the closed doorway for a moment. "You think they are selling tickets too?"

"Reese!"

She leaned back against the pillows and silently pouted. She honestly didn't know if she was angry or sad. Or who she was angry with. The nurses were insensitive gossips that had no business discussing her like last night's TV. But _she_ was the cop that had managed to be raped and beaten without identifying her attacker, all the while she was only a few yards away from help but she hadn't even been able to scream.

Who was she kidding? She really was a freak.

* * *

><p>Jane rapped lightly on Lisbon's hospital door before he poked his head inside. Lisbon was scowling at the TV while Tommy grimaced at his plate of mealy turkey and dry mashed potatoes. Lisbon's tray was untouched on the table. "Everyone decent?" he said with a smile.<p>

Lisbon locked eyes with him immediately and never broke contact. Tommy just glanced up and let out a "Hey."

Jane could see the shame in her eyes and he knew she was recalling their last encounter. Not only did she clearly regret her graphic reiteration of her assault, but she was embarrassed by her sobbing afterwards. He had continued to hold her until a nurse had come to change her bandages, then he had discreetly slipped out the room.

He hadn't wanted to push her after she had broken down which is why he had left when he did. But Rigsby's mention of her flinching at his touch had convinced Jane that he had to see her again. He needed to know if last night had been a fluke brought on by her pain or if she was making a break through.

Jane put on a smile and walked over to her bedside. He fingered at her cold lunch. "Not hungry, I see," he mused and shook his head at it, "Not that I can blame you. It looks terrible."

"It is," Tommy said.

Lisbon finally tore her eyes away from Jane to look over at her brother. "Why don't you go get lunch somewhere else, Tommy? Seriously, I'll be fine."

Tommy glanced at Jane and then back at her, the message was clear to him too. "All right, I am jonesing for a hamburger." He picked up his jacket from the chair and waved at her. "I'll be back soon."

She gave him a shaky grin and waved back, but settled back into her bed once the door was closed. The moment she met his eyes again he knew she had something she wanted to say.

"Jane," she said his name softly, "About yesterday, I'm sorry for what I said. I shouldn't have—."

"Don't apologize," he said with a shake of his head, "Not for what you said nor for your tears. You have nothing to be sorry for, I know you don't believe me yet but you will."

She only gave him a tiny nod, still uncertain over her shame. Jane gave her a long cursory look, noting her tense muscles and the way she had her blankets clenched in her fists. He would have thought she was nervous, but she kept looking at the door and not at him. "What's bothering you?"

"Nothing."

"No sense in lying, Pinocchio."

Her green eyes flashed at him in irritation and he grinned. Good, she still had that Lisbon fire in her. "It's the nurses."

"What about them?"

"Didn't you hear? I'm the hospital's greatest attraction right now."

"Oh," Jane said, his jaw clenching in disgust and anger. He knew he couldn't control the actions of others, but he still could fume over the distaste of those with weak minds. There was precious little he could do besides complain to the head nurse, but he knew that wouldn't help Lisbon's self esteem. Better to just do nothing. Judging by the decrease in the swelling on her face, the hospital would release her soon.

"No sense in letting it bother you," he told her, "You'll be discharged soon, I'm sure."

"I'm ready to go now."

"I'm sure you are," Jane said, "but let's wait for the doctors to agree."

Lisbon let out an aggravated sound and shook her head. "I can't stand this, Jane. I know they're talking about me, wondering how this could have happened to a cop. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of feeling like a freak show."

"Trust me, you're not a freak show," Jane said, hoping the teasing way he spoke would cheer her up, "I've seen plenty of those in the carnival."

She met his eyes with that 'you're not helping' look and his smile fell. On instinct, he covered her hand with his own. "It won't be long," he promised her.

Lisbon dropped her gaze to his hand. He waited to see if she would pull away as the memory of that man's touch invaded her mind. She didn't. She kept staring at their combined hands with a puzzled look.

"Rigsby mentioned that he came by earlier," Jane said, gently pulling his hand away so she would meet his eyes again, "He said he brought you brownies."

Lisbon nodded her head towards the Tupperware on the nightstand. "Help yourself."

Jane shook his head. "No thank you." His eyes wandered back to her hand, the one he'd just touched and she hadn't flinched. "He mentioned that you still didn't like to be touched by him."

She nodded a little.

"But not me."

"I noticed it too," Lisbon said.

"What do you see when Rigsby or anyone else touches you?"

"I don't really see anything, I just…feel him. I feel like it's him. I know it's not, but I just…"

"I understand," Jane said and then reached down to put his hand on her shoulder, "And when I touch you?"

Lisbon shook her head. "I don't feel that way."

"Hm," Jane said, "That's interesting."

He removed the hand from her shoulder and took up Tommy's empty chair. Lisbon continued to look at him. He could see the confusion in her eyes. "I don't get it," she said, "Why can you touch me and no one else?"

"I don't know," he said. She sagged back into her pillows and looked away. She so desperately needed answers, but right now he had little to offer. "Maybe because I found you you're associating me with safety," Jane said.

She nodded. "Yeah, that makes sense I guess."

No, she didn't believe it either, but it was the safest explanation. He leaned forward and patted her hand. "Don't think about it too much," he said, "This is a good thing, nothing you have to concern yourself with."

"Depends on your definition of good," she said, "If I'm only letting you touch me, that clearly means I've lost my mind."

The hint of smile curving her lips told him that she was just teasing. He smiled back and leaned back into his chair. "That or you have excellent taste."

Lisbon shook her head. "Nope, you're not that good of a catch."

He chuckled as he grabbed the Tupperware of brownies. He took one for himself and then held it out for her. She stared at them and then met his eyes again. He could see she wanted to turn them down, but he refused to drop his gaze. Finally she accepted one and took a bite. Chocolate couldn't cure everything, but this was a start. This was hope.

* * *

><p>The team was becoming aware that the case to find their boss's attacker was hitting a brick wall but they were determined to continue to pound on it until something shook loose. Their list of suspects might be empty at the moment, but there were still some things they could do. Such as finding out how the security detail let a woman be beaten and raped and no one saw anything.<p>

Officer Ryckart obviously did not want to answer any more questions about the night of the fundraiser but he was smart enough to obey the will of the superior agents. It didn't stop him from wearing a scowl when he walked into the bullpen.

"Thanks for coming in," Rigsby said when the cop took a seat by Cho's desk.

"You were in charge of security the night of the fundraiser," Cho began, diving into the questioning immediately.

"Yes I was," Ryckart explained, "and like I said to everyone else that night, neither me nor my men saw anything suspicious."

"An agent was beaten and raped in the alley outside of the event you were tasked to protect and no one saw anything?"

"Hey," Ryckart said, his voice sharp and angry. "We followed the procedure that was approved by _your_ boss."

"But you still didn't see anything."

"The focus was on the entrance and inside of the ballroom, men weren't stationed on the side exits because they were locked from the inside. People couldn't get in from there and no one was supposed to use them. It isn't my fault that Agent Lisbon left the safety of the ballroom."

"And nobody heard anything?" Rigsby asked, still finding it hard to believe that security hadn't been remiss in someway.

"What can I say? Maybe she should have screamed."

Both men tensed immediately at Ryckart's statement, their annoyance at the man was quickly turning to rage. Rigsby didn't bother to hide his disdain but Cho was much better at keeping his emotions to himself. It didn't stop the malice in his voice when he spoke. "You seem to have a pretty strong opinion about what happened."

"I don't like it when me or my men are being blamed for someone else's mistake."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Rigsby asked though he had a pretty good idea as to the answer.

Ryckart leveled his gaze with the man. "If I were you, I'd ask Agent Lisbon what she was doing out there _alone_."

Rigsby glared at him. "You're putting this on her?"

He leaned back in his chair and shrugged. "She goes outside, alone, dressed like that. She's asking for trouble."

"So you're saying she deserved this."

"No," Ryckart clarified but his voice was ice cold. "But with the way she treats people…I'm honestly surprised something like this didn't happen sooner."

Rigsby stood up from his seat, ready to punch the man in the face. "You want say that again?"

Ryckart rose to his feet, looking ready to fight himself but Cho got up too. "Walk away," he told the officer harshly. "Walk away _now_."  
>For a moment Rigsby and Ryckart had their eyes locked on one another but Rigsby was clearly the bigger man here. Ryckart finally nodded his head and slowly quit the room. Rigsby watched him leave, considering following the man to make him think twice about talking about Lisbon like that again. "That jackass comes around here again, I'll pound him into the ground," Rigsby declared.<p>

"I'll help," Cho replied and from the tone of his voice, he definitely meant it.

Grace walked in with a cup of coffee in one hand and noted their still tense body language and barely controlled anger. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Rigsby said, sitting down at his desk still rigid but a bit calmer.

She didn't press the issue, but took up her place at her desk. On it was a copy of the guest list. Grace picked it up and scanned the names, noting many she knew. In fact, most of the list contained colleagues or acquaintances she knew in the field. And Jane said one of these men was likely the rapist. It made her stomach roll.

"Do you really think it's someone we know?"

Rigsby and Cho both looked up. They noticed the paper in her hands and followed her train of thought. "Jane could be wrong," Rigsby said.

"There's a first for everything," Cho replied. His words weren't hopeful, just a reminder that Jane was rarely ever wrong about these sorts of things.

"Well what if he is?" Grace asked, "I mean, Jane's not perfect."

"Can't argue with that."

Jane was standing at the entrance of the bullpen. He gave them a small, teasing grin. "Do you always talk about me when I'm away?"

"No, it's not what you think," Van Pelt said, "We were just talking about your theory."

"Ah," he said as he made his way to his couch and sat down. "It's all right to be cautious about it. No one likes to think a friend or colleague could do something like this."

"You really think it has to be someone in our line of work?" she asked.

"It's the only thing that fits."

"What if it is someone from the outside?"

Jane shook his head. "I told you, a passerby wouldn't have known she was a cop."

"What if they did?"

Rigsby frowned at her. "You think someone waited around outside for Lisbon to come out so they could attack her?"

She shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe they didn't plan it exactly, but they saw her come out and they saw it as an opportunity."

"Who would do that?" Cho asked.

Grace looked across the room to meet Jane's blue-green eyes. "What if it was Red John?"

Jane didn't freeze up at the mention of the name nor snap into attention. Instead he surprised them by shaking his head. "No, it's not him."

"How can you be sure?" she asked.

"Because Red John doesn't care about Lisbon."

"But you do," Grace said. Jane's golden brows rose in interest at her comment, words that could contain many different meanings. "I don't mean in _that_ way," she said, a bit flustered now, "I mean, that's your own business. I'm just saying that Lisbon does mean a lot to you. Maybe this is Red John trying to hurt you again."

Jane smiled a little. "I applaud your innovative thinking, Grace, but you're wrong. If Red John wanted to use Lisbon to hurt me then he would have killed her, carved her open and painted his symbol on the wall with her blood. Lisbon's attack was far too brutal and he left too much physical evidence, two things Red John would never do. And if it was Red John trying to hurt me, he would have made sure I knew it was him."

She looked down and gave him a slight nod. "You're right…but Jane, how can it be one of us? Why would another cop want to hurt Lisbon?"

"I can't be sure of his motives," Jane said, "Nor am I certain it is a cop."

The three of them frowned at him. "But you said so yesterday," Rigsby said.

"I said it could be a cop or someone associated with law enforcement," Jane explained, "Whoever attacked Lisbon knew she had training, but that doesn't mean that they are a cop. Whoever did this knows hand-to-hand combat or some form of self defense training and they knew she would fight back. It could have easily been a donor or someone who works closely with your field."

"But why?" she asked, "Why would anyone do this to her?"

"We figure that out then we find our rapist," Jane said. He stood up from his couch and walked over so he was standing between Rigsby and Van Pelt's desks. "The exact motive isn't necessary at the moment, what we can focus on is his rage. He didn't just look across the room and decided to attack her, this was something he has been fantasizing about."

"For how long?" Cho asked.

Jane shrugged. "It could be only a few days or it could even be months. The point is that the person we are looking for has been angry for a while. I doubt all of it stems from Lisbon, perhaps she is merely the object of his rage. It's likely he's a narcissus whose fallen into a bad spot in life. He can't be angry at himself, so Lisbon became the unfortunate fixation of his wrath."

"So he did plan this," Cho said.

Jane shook his head again. "No, not exactly. He didn't go to the fundraiser with the intention of raping her. Likely, he saw her, maybe even interacted with her in some way and he lost control. When he saw her leave the room he seized his chance and got what he thought was his revenge. That's why he took her necklace. It's a trophy of his triumph."

Rigsby nodded. The look in all of their eyes said that they believed him. This was the right path. "Okay," Rigsby said, "So how do we find him?"

Jane flashed him a bitter smile. "That's the tricky part. He left his DNA behind because he knows he's not in the system. Lisbon can't identify him. Right now, he feels like he's won."

"Do you think he'll pay attention to the case in the media?" Grace asked.

"Undoubtedly. Part of what gives him release is knowing that Lisbon is suffering and that we are unaware of who he is."

"Do you have any idea on who he is?" Cho asked.

Jane's face went grave and he looked down at the floor. "No," he said solemnly, "But at least we have a start."

It was a small start, but it was all they had. They had a list of over two hundred suspects with no way to narrow them down yet. It was a grim prospect, but they wouldn't give up. Lisbon wouldn't so neither would they.

* * *

><p>It had been Rigsby's idea to call the guests at the fundraiser one by one under the pretext of reaffirming their testimony, but really to see if they had a history with Lisbon. Jane was letting them working while just sitting on his couch going over the list himself. No one expected him to pick up a phone and help with the calls. Jane had his own method of working.<p>

"Sir," Grace said into her phone, "You're certain you've never met Agent Lisbon before?"

"No, I'd never even heard of her until I read about her in the paper. Why are you still harassing me? I told you people before that I didn't hear or see anything."

"Sorry, Mr. Paletti, just following up," Grace said.

She sighed and put her phone back in its cradle. So far everyone she talked to was hostile and knew little or nothing about Lisbon. At this rate they were running into another brick wall.

Her coffee cup was empty and cold, time for a refill. Maybe the caffeine would perk her up.

She picked up her mug and carried it with her to the break room. Unfortunately, both coffee pots stood there completely empty. "Damn," she muttered to herself.

Grace set her cup aside and removed one of the pots so she could run it underneath the faucet. Since coffee was liquid gold around the CBI, she filled it to the brim.

"Needed a change of scenery?"

Grace turned around with the coffee pot in her hand and saw that Jane had just entered the room. She smiled and held up the pot full of water. "I needed a pick-me-up."

He nodded and walked to the kettle on the stove. "We had the same idea."

While she poured the water into the coffee maker and added in the grounds, Jane filled up his kettle with water and put it on the stove. He removed his blue teacup from the cabinet and set it on the table with a teabag.

"I haven't found anything useful yet," Grace said once her only job now was to wait for the coffee to brew. "How about you?"

"Not sure," he said, "Still looking."

She nodded a little. It seemed that was all they were doing, looking. When would they actually catch a real lead? For Lisbon's sake, she wanted this whole thing to be over.

"Did you see Lisbon today?" she asked.

Jane nodded and let out an affirmative sound.

"How's she doing? Any better?"

"I hope so," he said.

"You could go see her again," she said, "I mean, I hate the idea of her being there alone."

"She's not, her brother is with her."

"Oh yeah, that's right," Grace said, drumming her fingers on her arms.

"Besides, I know she would hate the idea of all us standing in a vigil by her bedside."

"You're probably right," she said while ducking her head down. She didn't like the way Jane was probing at her with his gaze. Thankfully, the coffee pot gurgled to signal that it was finished. She turned around and removed it so she could fill up her cup.

"Why haven't you gone to see Lisbon?"

The coffee sloshed out the pot so fast that it spilled outside the cup, pooling on the counter. She let out a murmured curse and grabbed a wad of paper towels to clean up the mess. "I'm just busy," she said.

"Mm," Jane let out his sound of disapproval, "You're normally a much better liar, Grace."

There was no use in pretending with Jane. He knew your secrets just by looking at you. She sighed and poured the excess coffee from her cup into the sink. "I don't like seeing her like this."

"None of us do," Jane said, "But that's not the full reason, is it?"

There was no escaping this. She sat down at the table with her cup and removed a packet of sweetener. She ripped it open and dumped it into her coffee along with some cream.

"Come on, Grace, you can tell me."

She threw down the empty paper and met his eye. "I don't want to see her."

Jane gave her a patient nod. "It isn't easy to look at her like that, but this isn't just about her injuries."

She stared into her now unappealing cup of coffee and then slowly shook her head. Jane's kettle let out a whistle. "That's what I thought," he said and left the table to get the kettle and pour the steaming water into his cup.

He resumed his seat and stirred at his tea with his teabag while looking across the table at Grace. "You should let it out, Grace, or else it will eat you alive."

She took a small sip of coffee and then set her cup back down. She traced the curve of the cup's handle with her finger. "When I saw Lisbon at the hospital…I didn't know what had happened. I just thought some lunatic had beaten her up. But you knew, didn't you?"

Jane nodded again. "The moment I saw her."

Grace swallowed hard and looked back down at her cup. "Rigsby told me when they got back here. I felt angry and disgusted with what had happened, I really did…but I also felt…relieved." She snuck a peek at Jane. "That it wasn't me."

Jane didn't give her an accusatory glare or anything. He simply nodded again, as if urging her to continue.

She toyed with a strand of her titian hair as she said, "When I was in college I carried around pepper spray, I always went out with a close friend and I never accepted drinks from strangers. I did all of that because that is where you hear stuff like this happening. That is when girls like me and Lisbon are in danger of being raped."

Grace shook her head a little. "Not now, not after all of this time. It's not supposed to happen once you're past that stage. This is when you're supposed to be safe. It's not supposed to happen now, not to you or to anyone you know."

"And that's the frightening part," Jane said, "Now you realize it can happen to anyone at anytime."

She nodded a little as a tear snaked out of the corner of her eye. She brushed it away with her hand. "It's just…Lisbon is going through the worst thing I can ever imagine and my first thought was _I'm glad it wasn't me_. How could I think that? That makes me a terrible person."

"No it doesn't," Jane said with a shake of his head, "It's a normal reaction to feel relieved when you hear of a great tragedy, even when it happens to someone you care about. The fact that your feel guilty now makes you a very good person."

"Gee thanks," she said in a glum voice. She picked up her cup and started to walk back to the bullpen.

"Grace," Jane called after her, forcing her to stop, "You should go see her. It'll help you, and Lisbon should know that you are still behind her."

She looked down at her cooling coffee. She knew Jane had a point, but she couldn't see how going to that hospital would do any good for Lisbon. Better to prove herself by working to catch the rapist. It would show Lisbon of her support and sponge away her guilt."

Grace looked back at him and shook her head. "I can't…not yet."

"Okay," he said with a slight nod, "wait until you're comfortable then."

She nodded back and then walked towards the bullpen again. Work was the best way help Lisbon and herself. Her guilt would continue to eat at her, but at least she would feel like she was accomplishing something.

* * *

><p>Lisbon woke up from a light doze, turning over in her bed to face the chair where Tommy had become a permanent fixture. Except the chair was empty. "Tommy?" she asked sitting up, expecting him to answer from the closed bathroom door or pop his head out from the doorway. But he didn't. No one answered.<p>

She stood up, for once not feeling any pain from her injuries; in fact her cast was gone. When had that happened? Lisbon peeked out from the doorway. "Tommy?" she called out again.

The hallway was empty; that was different. Where were all of the nurses, interns, surgeons and orderlies? Usually the place was abuzz with activity. Lisbon took a cautious step out of her room, looking up and down the empty hall.

She began to walk down towards the nurse's station, finding it completely void of life as well. Where the hell was everyone?

That was when she heard it. The laugh.

_His_ laugh.

Suddenly she saw the dark figure down the hall, staring straight at her. He just kept on laughing.

Lisbon opened her mouth to scream but nothing came out. Not even when he slowly started to walk towards her.

But this time she ran.

She ran down the now dark hallway towards the only haven she knew. Her room. The lights were off so it was completely black but it was where she knew she could escape him. Lisbon shut the door, locking it tight. She leaned against the frame whimpering just a little and trying to control her trembling.

Then she felt his hot breath on the back of her neck.

Before she could scream he reached around to clamp one hand over mouth, with the other he dragged her backwards.

Now she was on her bed, her wrists in restraints at the metal arm rests. He was on top of her.

She still couldn't see his face but she could smell his breath and hear his horrible laugh. She couldn't scream, one hand was still over her mouth. She still tried to scream, tried to tear herself away from his grip but his hand remained firm. She tasted blood. She'd bitten her tongue.

He laughed, more like a low breathy giggle. His free hand traced the contours of her neck, investigating the hollows of her throat. He found the knot that tied up her gown and pulled at the ends. She bucked and reared at him, but that did nothing to end the torture. She felt the cool air on her bare chest. He fondled her breasts and then went to her thighs, slowly making his way up to his goal. Apparently one breach wasn't enough.

She whimpered, tugging at her restraints as his hand snuck its way under her gown. Her screams were muffled by his hand. He laughed again, then she felt his tongue lave against her cheek down to her neck.

She twisted, trying to stop him from touching her but he just continued to laugh. She twisted again and again but there was no escaping him…

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Hitting the hard tile of the hospital floor jarred Lisbon awake, it also was a very painful reminder that she was still badly bruised from her injuries. She blinked and saw that she was still in her room, but the lights were on now.

Tommy had left to go check on her apartment and bring her a few things. She must have fallen asleep and now she was on the floor after falling out of bed.

_He_ had been in the hospital, forcing her onto the bed and running his hands up and down her skin.

Lisbon stood up as quickly as she could and rushed over to the private bathroom, locking the door behind her. Oh God that was horrible. His hands over her skin, over her mouth. Her tongue was sore and she still tasted blood. That part must have been real.

She saw a paper towel dispenser and immediately began yanking out the brown pieces of paper. There was a small soap dispenser by the sink and Lisbon slathered that on the towels, soaking them liberally with water. Then she began to scrub and scrub at her skin. Her arms, her chest, her neck. She even pulled up the hospital gown so she could wash the rest of her.

She needed to get _him_ off of her; she needed to forget his malevolent touch.

Lisbon looked up from her furious attempt to get herself clean only to see her reflection in the mirror over the sink.

Oh dear God was that really her?

Her face was a swollen mess of black, purple and green skin. Her eye was still puffy and hard to see through. Her hair was a thatch of tangles. There was a small line of stitches at her right temple.

She hadn't seen herself since the attack. Oh God she looked like a monster!

Lisbon threw the large wad of paper towels at the mirror, the water obscuring the horrible image and some of the paper stuck to the glass. She threw open the bathroom door ready to turn away from that ugly sight forever.

But her gaze fell onto her bed.

Just a few minutes ago she was being raped in that bed.

She began to shake violently and felt her stomach twist painfully into a knot. She swallowed heavily and fled back into the bathroom, locking the door behind her. Then she sank down onto the floor and sobbed.

There was no place where she could be safe.

* * *

><p>Jane wasn't surprised when Director Bertram barged into the bullpen looking as angry as a hornet. It was expected since undoubtedly the calls the team were making in the name of Lisbon's case was stirring up the fundraiser's wealthy patrons. Such ruckus was the exact sort of thing Bertram detested.<p>

"I've just received six different phone calls complaining about this department," Bertram announced when he stepped into the room, "Is it true that you are calling all of the guests from the fundraiser and asking them more questions?"

"Since it's unlikely that six people are all lying, then that's a rather useless question," Jane said from his couch.

He took a bit of amusement at Bertram's disgruntled look, but the director ignored him and focused his attention on Cho.

"Sir, we're just following up on Lisbon's case," Cho explained.

"By investigating the guests of the event?"

"That's correct. We have concluded that the rapist was someone at the fundraiser."

Bertram shook his bald head. "Did you consider any other possibilities besides Jane's hunch?"

"Name a time when my hunch was wrong," Jane challenged him. He didn't like to be ignored, but Bertram had obviously chosen that to be the best course of action with Jane since he couldn't reason with him.

"We did consider other options," Cho said without any hesitation, "but the method of attack and brutality suggest a personal connection from someone who knew Lisbon and had training."

Bertram nodded. "I'm not telling you how to do your job, Agent Cho."

"Really?" Jane asked, "because it sounds like you are."

"That's enough, Jane."

Finally, he'd struck a nerve. Now the man had lost his patience. Excellent.

Bertram stopped glaring at Jane and turned back to Cho and the rest of the team. "But this has to stop. The CBI is hanging on by a thread and your phone calls are making our donors unhappy."

Rigsby stood up from his chair. "Director, our boss was raped while we were inside having a party. We are going to do whatever it takes to find this guy."

"That's very noble of you, Agent Rigsby," Bertram said, "but I ask that you treat the guests with more tact."

Cho crossed his arms across his chest. "We can't promise that. Everyone on the guest list is considered a suspect and they will be treated as such until they are eliminated."

Jane grinned with pride at his friends and enjoyed watching those words of defiance tense up the muscles in Bertram's neck. He had come in here expecting them all to fold, maybe to even apologize for their actions and continue the investigation in a more discreet manner. But they wouldn't. They weren't loyal to Bertram. Their loyalty belonged to Lisbon, their leader and friend.

Bertram cleared his throat, his method of regaining his composure. "This is the Serious Crimes Unit, meaning you solve homicides. It is only a professional courtesy that I gave you Agent Lisbon's case since it rightfully belongs to the Sexual Crimes Unit."

His words had all of them tense up, but it was Risgby who spoke. "Are you taking the case away from us?"

"No!" Grace said in protest.

"Not at all," Bertram assured them, "but crime hasn't stopped just because Agent Lisbon was attacked. I've been redirecting cases to other units and to the FBI, but this can't go on forever. On Monday this stops. Your unit will be given other cases and I expect you all to give them your undivided attention. Agent Lisbon's case can be revisited when you have the time."

"Two days," Rigsby said, "You're giving us two days."

"You've had three already," Bertram reminded him, "It is not my responsibility to wrap this up, that's your job. My responsibility is to the Bureau and the citizens of California."

Jane gave him a bitter smile and shook his head. "Lovely speech there, director. Why don't you just tell them the truth though. You don't want us to solve this case."

Bertram gave him a wide-eyed look of disbelief. "That's a lie!"

"You don't want us to solve this case because you know we're right, it was someone at the fundraiser who attacked Lisbon. The CBI is in hot water right now and if it comes out that it was a colleague or associate with the Bureau that did this then it will affect the Bureau's credibility."

Bertram shook his head slowly. "That's not true."

"You'd rather this whole thing fade away," Jane said, "You want the media to forget about this, that's why you're forcing us to put aside this case."

One corner of Bertram's mouth lifted. "You're upset, Patrick. I know how close you are to Agent Lisbon, which is why I'm going to let this slide. But my orders stand. Come Monday, you will receive a new case."

Jane forced himself to keep his blood pressure down as he watched Bertram walk away. At that moment he hated that man, despised him to a whole new level of emotion. But he was a politician, it was expected for him to be a slimy, disgusting worm of greed and conceit.

"It doesn't matter," Cho said suddenly, "We don't stop looking, no matter what."

"Right," Rigsby said

Grace gave them a solemn nod and then stared at the paperwork on her desk. They all resumed their seats, but the vigor in their movements was gone. Bertram's ultimatum had left them bereft of much hope. He might as well have just ordered them to throw Lisbon's case file in the shredder. It would be a long time before they found this man. Two days of freedom to work was certainly not enough.

Jane left the bullpen to retreat to his attic hideaway, or his Fortress of Solitude as Lisbon had called it once. He lay down on the rough cot he had constructed and stared at the dusty rafters. He had failed for the past eight years to find Red John, now he was failing to find Lisbon's rapist. It didn't seem fair that he could solve the cases that didn't matter with ease, but the ones that hurt the people he cared about were left a mystery.

But Cho was still right. He would never stop looking.

* * *

><p>Lisbon didn't return to her bed until Tommy came back. She didn't let on that she had locked herself in the bathroom for about an hour; it was still difficult to get back into the bed without feeling the wave of revulsion over her nightmare. She wanted to leave, she needed go somewhere she would be safe. She just had no idea where that might be.<p>

That afternoon she was surprised by another visitor, but it wasn't the quietly over protective Jane this time. If Cho was uncomfortable at all at seeing his boss beaten and bruised, like everything, he didn't show it. But Lisbon felt immediate fear as soon as she saw him. She knew that Cho would only have come here now if he had something to tell her; she knew that it was going to be bad.

She smiled at Tommy. "Would you get me some coffee, black. And not that crap from the cafeteria?"

Tommy understood that it was important for her to talk to her team alone. He didn't question her request, but nodded his head and quietly left her and Cho alone. For a moment all they did was look at each other, Cho's face was completely impassive but there were a few tells. Like Rigsby he was having a hard time meeting her eyes. If they were finally going to have this conversation then she would have to get the ball rolling.

"I hate to tell you this but Rigsby is winning this round," she told him with a small grin, "He brought me brownies."

"I didn't realize this was a competition."

"I thought everything between you two was," Lisbon said teasingly. She leaned back in her pillows and maintained eye contact with him. "Why are you here, Cho?"

"I like to follow up on witnesses myself," he replied. His voice was firm but there was a hint of emotion there. So he had been worried about her and wanted to check up on her himself. That was sweet.

"Does that mean you're here to question me about the case?"

Cho took a seat by her bed but maintained a safe distance from her so she would stay comfortable with him. "No one has told you anything have they?"

She shook her head. "Jane has been evasive and Rigsby only mentioned that you eliminated the staff."

He was quiet again for a short while. She waited for him to decide whether or not to tell her the truth, but Cho had always been the truthful one. "Jane believes that it was someone at the fundraiser."

She nodded. "His clothing would suggest that."

"He thinks it is someone you know, someone that is angry with you." Now he hesitated again before admitting. "Someone we work with, either at the CBI or someone who works closely with cops."

Lisbon was stunned. She shouldn't have been surprised by this but she was. The man who raped her was faceless and nameless and a part of her had wanted it to stay that unfamiliar visage. It was frightening to think that someone she knew had done this. Someone she might have to see again without even realizing it. It was terrifying.

"I made him angry," Lisbon repeated what Cho had previously told her. The truth hitting her again, making her chest hurt with shame. "So it was my fault."

"No," Cho cut in quickly, "it wasn't." He could elaborate on the reasons why, but that wasn't Cho's style. He simply told the truth as he saw it, no need to explain any more.

She smiled softly at him, she didn't believe him but there was no point in letting him know that. "Is that the only reason you came?"

He shook his head. "We know that he was at the fundraiser but that leaves us a long list of suspects and right now…not a lot to narrow it down. Bertram told us that we have until Monday before we get assigned a new case."

This time Lisbon's smile was bitter. "No way you'll make that deadline." She saw the flash of guilt in Cho's eyes; she knew that he would take responsibility for not being able to catch her rapist. He was the one in charge right now, this fell on him.

But that wasn't true.

"Kimball," she began earnestly. "I didn't expect you to find him tomorrow…or next week…or next month. I've been a cop for a long time, I know how it works. How sometimes…they slip away." She looked away from him now. "And I didn't give you much to work with so…"

"You gave us enough."

That wasn't true. Lisbon had given them everything she had, but that didn't include much that was useful. She didn't have any idea to his features; she would never be able to pick him out in a lineup. She'd had a lot of time to think about that night and what the future might hold for her. A sobering reality had taken hold, they might never find who did this.

That thought terrified her but she couldn't let Cho see that. She couldn't let him know that she wasn't entirely sure if she could live with that reality.

Instead Lisbon smiled again. "I'm going to be out of commission for a while, even if they let me out of this damn hospital, I'll have to wait until my arm recovers before going back to work." Her voice was light but she was blinking back tears. "So you'll be in charge while I'm gone. If uh something comes up on an old case, something that needs my attention, don't be afraid to contact me."

Cho nodded, taking her orders like normal. "Okay."

"Keep Wainwright apprised of all new cases but you don't have to tell him every step you take, a phone call to update him every now and then is more than enough to keep him happy," she explained.

"And keep an eye on Jane," Lisbon told him. Now her voice began to crack and the tears slipped down her cheeks no matter how hard she tried to deny them. "You know the trouble he can get in to so you'll have to watch him carefully. Keep a leash on him but not too much, you have to give him some freedom to work, but don't let him walk all over you either. And if you…" she suddenly lost her voice. She felt like she was losing everything now, including the small bit of control she'd managed to hold on to.

"I know," Cho said simply. But she saw the look in his eyes, the sadness and pain. Cho was more than ready for the responsibility that she was giving him right now…but he never wanted it this way.

Lisbon took a deep breath that helped to steady her already frazzled emotions and brushed away the tears on her cheeks. "You…you know what to do. You'll do a good job with the team." She gave him a small shaky smile. "I'll be okay, a few weeks and I'll be as good as new."

Cho's face was as stoic as ever. She had no idea if he believed her lie or not.

Finally he stood up from his chair. "I'll keep you informed about what's going on."

"Thank you, Cho."

They had both said what they'd needed to. With the conversation finished, Lisbon expected him to leave. She looked away, out of the window, ready to indulge herself in a good long cry.

"Boss?" She looked back at the doorway to see Cho standing there. She saw actual concern and fear on his face, for once letting his emotions show through. "It'll be okay."

Lisbon tried to smile again. "I know."

He gave her a long penetrating look, not dissimilar to one Jane would use to peer into her soul. Lisbon kept her eyes on his until he left. Only when his footsteps disappeared did she heave a long sigh and she let the tears flow.

One by one everything was being stripped from her.

* * *

><p>Jane could see from the slight slump to Cho's shoulders that he had just returned from the hospital. Of course Cho would take it upon himself to tell Lisbon the bad news. Jane was grateful for that, he hadn't wanted the burden to fall on him. He hadn't wanted to see that pained look enter her eyes.<p>

"Hey," Rigsby said once Cho had sat down, "How'd it go?" So they saw it too. Jane took a guess that they all had that same look whenever they came back from seeing Lisbon.

"Fine," Cho said.

Well that said it all. This was torturing Lisbon. She was the best person he knew, the kindest and purest of souls. It wasn't fair. That old saying 'life isn't fair' just didn't cut it this time. This was evil, the most wicked injustice Jane had seen in a long time.

Rigsby either didn't catch all of this or was hoping he was wrong. He nodded to Cho. "Good, that's real good."

"She's doing okay then?" Grace asked. Maybe she was drawing up the courage to finally see her.

"I thought she was doing all right," Rigsby said, "I mean, she seemed okay."

Grace nodded and smiled just a bit. "Is that what you think Cho?"

Cho stared at her hard for a few second then he slowly shook his head. "No. She's not okay. Not even close."

It was time that they all stopped pretending. They could shut their eyes and plug their ears, but that didn't change the stone cold reality. Lisbon was in pain, mountains and oceans worth of turmoil.

Rigsby accepted this truth and hung his head down in defeat. Grace's hopeful smile died away. She blinked her hazel eyes several times. "What do you mean?"

"She's broken," Jane said at last, "That bastard didn't just rape her, he shattered her confidence. She's trying to act like she's okay, but the truth is that she's living in a constant state of terror and shame. She feels responsible for what happened and now she is questioning her capability to be a cop."

They didn't protest his analysis because they knew it was true. Cho even gave him a solemn nod.

"But she'll get over this…right?" Grace asked.

Jane shrugged. "I don't know."

"No," she said, "No, she will. She'll figure this out. I know it. She'll be like herself again."

A part of him wanted to let her believe that lie, but it would break Grace's heart if she pinned all of her hopes on that and then saw it shatter into pieces. Sometimes the truth hurt. Actually, it often did.

Jane shook his head softly. "No, she won't. This sort of thing…it changes a person. She'll never be exactly the same again."

He could see the truth clenching her heart as she stared back at him. Finally Grace closed her eyes and two tears spilled down her cheeks. Jane knew it hurt to hear that, but in the end it would be better for her.

Rigsby stood up from his chair, walked over and put a hand on her shoulder. She reached up and covered his comforting hand with her own. It was all they could do.

"We'll catch this guy," Cho said with renewed confidence, "Whatever it takes, we're going to get him. We've got to do this for Lisbon."

Rigsby nodded in agreement. Grace wiped her cheeks dry and then looked back at Jane. "What do we do now?"

Jane took in a breath and let it out slowly. He shook his head a little. "I wish I knew."

* * *

><p>Jane was polite and knocked on the doorframe to Lisbon's room, he wasn't going to just barge in and surprise her like he was used to doing, she didn't need anymore surprises now. He expected to find her sitting up in her bed but was taken aback to find her standing by her bed, some clothes were laid out in front of her.<p>

"What are you doing?" he asked, actually the answer was obvious, why she was doing this was not.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" she replied sarcastically, "I'm going home."

"Lisbon—."

"They said I could be discharged today, Jane," she cut him off, "so unless you have some reason why I need to stay in this damn hospital a minute longer then please, let me go home."

The only reason that Jane could think of was that he preferred her staying in a guarded building where her safety was assured. But he knew that she would not see it that way, she certainly didn't feel safe now. "You should have told us that you were going home."

"I can take care of myself," Lisbon replied. Her voice was firm and determined, she wanted to prove that she was still independent but her body language spoke otherwise. There was uncertainty in her movements; she didn't know what to do anymore and that frightened her. Lisbon had been completely stripped of her confidence, where she had once exhibited strength she now was vulnerable. What was worse was that she knew it, yet she continued to deny it.

"You can't do this alone, Lisbon," Jane told her softly, "how were you planning to get home?"

"Tommy will drive me," she said simply, "he's insisting that he stay with me too."

Jane nodded. "That's good."

"It isn't, he should go back home, he has a job and a daughter."

"You need him right now."

"I don't need anyone."

"You are still recovering from your injuries," Jane reminded her, "You need help until you get back on your feet."

She shook her head and sighed. "Fine, whatever, I just want to get the hell out of here."

He couldn't blame her for that.

Lisbon winced as she reached over to pick up the pants her brother had retrieved for her from her home. They were simple sweatpants that would be comfortable for her while she continued to heal. Her brother had the insight to think about her injuries when selecting her clothing. But the cast that encased her arm and the pain from her cuts and bruises made it difficult for her to bend over, let alone put on a pair of pants.

She may not have wanted help, but she needed it. "I can go find your brother so he can help you," Jane offered.

"He's getting the car and my discharge forms," Lisbon told him while she continued to struggle with her clothing.

"You could call a nurse."

"No!" she exclaimed, actually dropping the pants on the floor. "No, nurses. I don't want their help."

"You can't put those on yourself," he pointed out.

She shook her head. "I don't care. I don't want them in here. To them I'm just the rape victim on the third floor and I'm sick of it. If I see one more look of pity in their eyes then I'll scream."

Jane had no doubt that she meant it. He knew that she was the subject of gossip and pity, her questions regarding Lavinia proved it. Lisbon was a private person; to have her attack be discussed by complete strangers was a nightmare to her. It was why she was so determined to return to her previous existence of complete independence, the further she excluded herself from the public eye the sooner it might all go away.

He could indulge her in that desire.

"What do you want me to do?" he asked her.

"Nothing," she replied, "just go. I'll be fine." But she continued to wrestle with her sweatpants, her feet getting tangled up so much that she actually almost fell over. Lisbon released a frustrated groan that betrayed the fact that she was close to tearing up.

Jane knew that this was possibly a dangerous thing to do but he couldn't just stand there and do nothing either. She'd accepted his touch before, maybe she would be all right with this. He knelt down next to her and picked up the pants. "Here, let me help."

Lisbon hesitated for a moment before nodding her head slowly. "Okay."

He gathered up the legs of the sweat pants until they formed a hole and guided her feet through one at a time. Then he slowly pulled them up over her legs and around her waist before pulling the drawstring so that it was loose at her hips. This was a strange feeling, he'd held her in his arms while she cried and here she was still covered in bruises and cuts, yet there was something intimate about this.

The sweatpants were covered by the long hospital gown that she was still wearing. A simple t-shirt and bra were laid out on the bed. Jane walked around her so that he was facing her back; he hesitated for just a moment before untying the back of her gown at her neck. The gown slipped from her shoulders and down her arms, she crumpled it up before placing it on the bed.

Jane had a perfect view of Lisbon's naked back, but it was not the tantalizing image he had imagined more than once over the years.

Her skin was mottled with dark bruises and roughened areas that were scabbed over where her bare skin had been rubbed harshly by the concrete. There was a large bandage on her lower back where a deep gash was located, a cut from something that she'd fallen on in her struggles. But what made him swallow hard and fight to control his shaking was the crescent shaped bite-mark on her shoulder. The bastard had bitten her like a savage.

He did his best to ignore the horrifying picture before him, he reached over to take her undergarments and she complied by slipping her arms through the straps. Jane fastened the bra at her back gently, doing his best to keep from touching her bruises and causing her any pain. He finally gathered the shirt in his hands.

This was a bit trickier since he had to pull the cumbersome cast through the sleeve but eventually they managed to pull it through. Lisbon winced as the tugging caused her sore muscles and bruises to twinge in pain and Jane breathed out a very soft apology. Finally he pulled the shirt over her head and carefully down the rest of her torso.

Now that she was fully dressed Lisbon turned around to face him. Her face was still covered in dark bruises and her right eye was swollen but it was no longer completely shut. Her lip had a small cut running through it and other cuts marked her hairline. But she smiled gratefully, a small trembling smile. "Thank you," she whispered and gripped one of his hands in hers. "Thank you."

His lips twitched but he couldn't smile completely, not now when she was still in so much pain. Instead he just squeezed her hand, drawing comfort from her warmth as she did the same thing.

They both sat down on the edge of the bed, with her fingers laced through his. He didn't know why she was so comfortable with him dressing and touching her but he didn't question it. If she was willing to let him comfort her than he wasn't going to complain. He wanted to help her and she was willing to accept.

It was enough for now.

* * *

><p>AN: How did that final scene compare to last chapter's? It looks like the team won't be catching Lisbon's rapist any time soon (yipes!) which is going to make this hard on all of them. Next chapter will be HUGE as you all will get to see Lisbon's long spiral downward begin. Stay tuned.

As always, please review!


	5. Falling

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Hey guys! Sorry about the long wait but you wouldn't believe what has happened. Tests, papers, illness even some problems with graduation application. Not to mention that this chapter is our longest one yet! Over 30 pages alone! I hope you guys enjoy it but you might want to be prepared for a rough ride.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Yeah, life has a funny way of getting in the way of our writing time. Since this is our last semester in college, the work just seems to keep piling up. Don't worry, we're still working as hard as we can to get this story out. I hope you all enjoy this chapter. And if you didn't hate Bertram before, by the end of this chapter you'll be carrying pitchforks and ready to run him out of town.

Anonymous Reviews:

**123TellMeYouLoveMe:** Well we're glad that you enjoyed the last scene. It is important to show how much this is affecting Jane, just wait as it becomes even more clear to him what kind of a role he'll have to play in her recovery. It's a lot to take.

**Cara Jensen:** We totally agree, there is obviously something between Jane and Lisbon, just look at that dance from Rose Colored Glasses! We're happy to see that we are keeping the characters as they were on the show, especially in regards to Van Pelt's reaction. We knew we needed to show how difficult it is for the entire team to come to terms with this.

**Anonymous:** Well we're glad you bookmarked it! LOL Thanks for the offer it's very much appreciated. We hope you continue to enjoy this story.

**Gabi:** WOW that's a real compliment there. It's actually a very apt description since we try to visualize how this would look like if it was on the show. We actually plan things out and decide not only what they would say but what their body language would be in situations like this. We even sometimes imagine what it would be like if it was on the show, sometimes even inadvertently calling the chapters "episodes" hehehe. We are trying very hard to keep this as real as possible, recovery takes time so this won't be rushed in the least. It will be a long time before Lisbon ever starts to really pick up the pieces, even longer before she begins to really resemble who she is and starts to get somewhere with Jane (but we're getting ahead of ourselves there hehehe).

**mmm:** Well you'll have that and more this chapter!

**Anna:** Glad you enjoyed it

And to the last 10 or so anonymous reviews begging and pleading for an update! Here it is, apparently if we take longer than a week people really don't like it hehehe. So sorry for the wait again.

* * *

><p>Chapter 5: Falling<p>

Cho and Rigsby made a mutual decision to check up on Lisbon on Monday using the guise of paperwork that could keep her busy. They wanted her to feel like she was still an active member of the team, that not everything was different. That was a hard lie to swallow; it was becoming increasingly clear that a new definition of 'normal' would have to be discovered. Their biggest concern was what the new normal would be.

There was no guarantee that it would be good.

Lisbon greeted them at the door with a very bright and cheery smile. "Hey guys, you really shouldn't have come. Don't you have work to do?"

Rigsby raised his eyebrows at her sunny disposition but didn't push it. "Just dropping off some paperwork."

"And checking up on me," she said with a grin and a shake of her head.

Well there was no point in trying to deny the obvious. Cho and Rigsby exchanged looks before the senior agent asked, "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," Lisbon assured them. "I'm just glad that I'm home and out of the hospital." She grinned at the stacks of paperwork in their hands. "And now I have something to do." She tried to take the papers that Rigsby was holding into her arms but her cast was cumbersome and they slipped from her grasp.

"Here," Tommy said, stepping forward to take the paperwork from her. "Let me do it."

For a moment that sunny veneer slipped, just a small moment, but she put the mask back on. "Yeah, this thing," she pointed to her cast, "is getting in the way a bit. But it'll be off in a few weeks, I'll be better then."

Tommy and Cho set the paperwork on the table by her sofa where she could work on it at her leisure. "Oh I almost forgot," Rigsby said and put a large paper bag on top of the paperwork. "The coffee crew sent this."

Lisbon peeked into the bag and smiled again. "Of course, more muffins." She nodded her head towards the kitchen were a few other muffin baskets of various sizes were sitting. "If I didn't know better, I'd say everyone at the CBI is trying to get me fat." She chuckled a little and the three men gave her some perfunctory smiles. "Seriously guys, eat something there's no way I can eat all of these myself." Rigsby looked at the tempting muffins, they had included some blueberry ones, which looked damn good.

She took one out of the bag and handed one to her always-hungry teammate. "I just made some coffee, would you guys like some?"

Rigsby nodded over his bite of muffin while Cho agreed. "Thanks, Boss."

Lisbon walked over to her kitchen to fetch the beverages, leaving her teammates alone with her brother. Once she was out of earshot Cho turned to Tommy. "How is she really doing?"

Her poorly constructed mask of cheer hadn't fooled Cho. Lisbon never smiled like that even when she was in a good mood.

Tommy sighed and shook his head. "She didn't sleep. She keeps saying that she's fine but…how can anyone be fine after something like that?"

"Has she talked about it at all?" Rigsby asked.

"Are you kidding?" Tommy replied sarcastically. "Reese never talks about anything."

"Has she gotten over the touching thing?"

Tommy shrugged. "She doesn't say no, but she tenses up, even if it's on accident."

Cho nodded. "So that's a no."

"I don't know," Tommy admitted, "She's trying, I think. I mean she's eating a little now but she's so…" His voice trailed off as he tried to find the word. "She's _acting_ fine."

"Is that a bad thing?" Rigsby said, "I mean she's trying."

"This isn't _her_." Tommy gestured to the direction of the kitchen. They knew what he was talking about. Lisbon was certainly no grouch but she didn't smile like the little orphan Annie on magic brownies either.

The boys didn't say anything more as Lisbon entered the living room, carefully holding two mugs of coffee. She handed the cups to her teammates with another sugary sweet smile. "So, how are things at the CBI? Do you have a new case yet?"

Rigsby about choked on his coffee while Cho took the question much calmer. "No, not yet."

"Well that won't last long," Lisbon remarked, "but at least it means people aren't killing each other this second."

"That's one way to put it," Rigsby replied and took another sip of coffee.

Silence followed for a moment as the awkwardness settled in. Lisbon was the one who searched for a topic. "How's Van Pelt? I haven't seen her since…well you know."

"She's fine," Rigsby replied but his response was clearly edged with a little surprise. "We…we're just busy so maybe she…she just needs to find the time."

Lisbon nodded but her smile faltered a little as she recognized Rigsby's probable lie. "I understand."

Once again an awkward pall came over the room. Rigsby and Cho exchanged mutual looks of concern and silently agreed that they had overstayed their welcome. "We should go," Cho said as he put his half empty coffee cup down.

"Of course," Lisbon said, "you've got work to do."

"Yeah," Rigsby agreed, "but you know…not much."

She just smiled again. "Well, keep an eye on Jane for me. God knows what kind of trouble he'll get into."

Rigsby chuckled a little. "Right."

She walked them to the door and waved goodbye. They didn't hug or shake hands, but they slowly walked out of the apartment with mixed feelings of relief to leave that situation and fear for their friend's well being.

"That was weird," Rigsby said as they walked over to the car.

"Yeah," Cho agreed sliding into the driver's seat.

"That smiling thing, did you see that smiling thing?"

"Yeah."

"What do you think it means?" Rigsby asked.

Cho stated the cold hard truth. "Nothing good."

* * *

><p>Things were quiet in the bullpen when Cho and Rigsby walked in. Both Jane and Van Pelt were well aware of the reasons for their late arrival. Grace immediately asked, "How is she?" but Jane didn't bother. He knew from their defeated body language that their report would be anything but good.<p>

"Depends on your definition of fine." Rigsby replied.

That was a different approach that perked Jane's interest. "What do you mean?"

"She's smiling," Cho explained, "_a lot_."

"It's like Barbie on Prozac," Rigsby added.

Jane winced a little. "That bad huh."

Grace was still looking for a positive angle, anything to make this look better. "It means she's trying, that's good though right?"

"Or she's trying to deny how badly this is affecting her," Jane pointed out, "which would only make the situation worse." He saw her flinch at his words but he was stating the truth. Lies were not going to help; they had to face the fact that everything was changing.

"So she should just wallow in her pain?" Grace asked, her voice reflected her doubt on Jane's idea.

"She has to admit she has pain in order to work through it," he replied easily. Grace didn't say anything after that; she stopped desperately reaching for a positive spin when there was no way to make one.

The four present members of Lisbon's team spent over half an hour in silence, either pretending to work or giving up any pretenses and openly brooding. Jane certainly fell into the latter category. He couldn't deny that he was growing more and more concerned about Lisbon. The further she fell down into the darkness the harder it would be for her to come back.

And he needed her back. There was no doubt about that.

He just had no idea how that would happen, not when she was still falling apart.

His dark musings were interrupted by the arrival of Wainwright into the bullpen. The agent had been wearing a permanent look of solemnity ever since the fundraiser. Cho had been keeping him informed about the case, or rather their lack of progress. He obviously knew about Bertram's time limit, which had been surpassed.

"Director Bertram informed me that the team would accept new cases," Wainwright began. His tone suggested that it had most certainly been an order. "Nothing new has come in yet so you should continue your work…until something does." He was uncomfortable; he didn't like the ultimatum any more than they did.

Finally he fumbled to the real question that was preying on his mind. "How is Agent Lisbon doing?"

"She's home," Cho said but he didn't explain further. Wainwright couldn't help but notice his reluctance to continue.

"That's good," Wainwright said but he wasn't satisfied with just that answer. "Have you seen her recently?"

"We saw her this morning," Rigsby replied, "she's uh…she's trying. You know, she's trying to get better."

Wainwright accepted Rigsby's attempt at assurance. He still looked unconvinced which was no surprise, he was an intuitive man, he knew when they were trying to protect someone. His eyes turned to Jane. "What do you think?"

Jane was quiet for a moment as he considered Wainwright's question. Tell the truth, that Lisbon was irrevocably changed and possibly damaged beyond repair? Or tell a lie and give the man some small bit of comfort.

"She's hurt," Jane admitted, "the scars will always be there but they can heal." He'd chosen a middle ground, not quite the truth and not quite a lie either. Yes Lisbon was hurt, and yes she could heal…there was just no guarantee.

Wainwright was mollified by Jane's response. "Well that's good then." He sighed a little. "I'll contact her this afternoon, therapy is going to be mandatory before she can return to work but I'm sure we all hope that she'll be back here as soon as possible."

Jane nodded his head but no one on Lisbon's team accepted Wainwright's optimism. The head agent noticed the awkward silence and wisely chose to duck out, softly saying goodbye before leaving the team alone.

No one said anything after Wainwright left. In this case, silence was better than the truth.

* * *

><p>At lunchtime was when most of the CBI was vacant. The upper level of the Bureau would leave for lengthy breaks at expensive restaurants with other members of the Justice Department. The rest went to pick up standing orders at delis or ducked into the break rooms to seek refreshment from what they could find in the fridge.<p>

Jane didn't join in on this grand tradition. He would make himself a sandwich later, but for now he was debating whether to leave the CBI headquarters for an all together different reason.

Rigsby and Cho's report had left him concerned. The Lisbon he knew didn't paste a smile on her face and offer up coffee and muffins. She was trying too hard, hiding her true feelings by being overly cheerful and generous, like a sham Donna Reed. The Lisbon he knew was tough as nails, told people to suck it up when they were being whiney and wasn't afraid to give him the much-needed and literal slap upside the head.

He knew this would change her, but he didn't want to lost her completely. He couldn't. The idea was unbearable.

His keys were on his desk, gleaming in the fluorescent light. Shiny and ready to picked up. He could take them and see Lisbon for himself. He needed to talk to her.

But he didn't get up from his couch.

So far since the attack, Lisbon had responded to him the most. She let him touch her, she opened up to him more than anyone. So far he had her trust more than anyone else in her life, including her brother. He could drive over and see her, but would she want that? Lisbon was still a fiercely independent woman. She'd already been visited by two members of her team at the same time. If he showed up on her doorstep then she would know that she was being checked up on.

But he couldn't let this go. He needed to talk to her.

Which is why Jane sent out a silent thanks to the inventor of the cell phone.

The phone rang three times and then Lisbon answered with a perky, "Hey Jane."

Any hope that she was just acting that way in front of Rigsby and Cho died instantly. Lisbon never answered his calls with cheer, even if she was happy to see him. She always gave him a passive "What's up?" or a grouchy "What have you done now?". That was what they did, their odd little tradition.

"Hello Lisbon," he said.

"How's it going? Do you have a case?"

"No, not yet," Jane said.

"Well thank Rigsby and Cho for me for the paperwork. Otherwise I'd be bored out of my skull."

"Uh huh."

"What was that?"

Jane ignored her question. "Lisbon, are you okay?"

"I'm great," she said in that bouncy, fifties housewife cheer.

"How on earth did you get to be cop?" he asked baldly, "You can't even lie on the phone."

"I'm not lying," she said in that slightly squeaky voice. Her most obvious tell.

"Remember who you're talking to, Lisbon."

He heard Lisbon let out a sigh. "Jane, I'll be fine. Sure I've had a rough couple of days, but I'm okay now."

"No you're not," he said, "You couldn't be all right and no one expects you to."

For several long moments he could only hear her breathing. It was heavy and hard, like she'd just run a marathon…or was facing a living hell. "What do they expect me to do?" she asked, "Sob uncontrollably? Lock myself in my room? Scream at the dark because of what it could be hiding?"

"Lisbon…"

"No, Jane," she said, "I'm not going to be one of those people. I won't live like that. And if I have to pretend that I'm okay then I'm going to do it. You should know more than anyone, you've been living a false life for the past nine years."

Jane blinked in surprise at her words. "You're taking no prisoners now."

She didn't make a response. Maybe she felt sorry for what she had said. In all the time they had known each other, she had never thrown his tragedy back at him as a shield for herself. If anything, she did back flips to avoid bringing it up. Hearing her use it now was a surprise for him.

"You know as well as I do that pretending you're not in pain isn't going to help," he told her gently. One thing she could admit, he may wear a mask of jovial cheer but he never denied how tormented he was by his sins.

"Screw you, Jane," she hissed and then the line went dead.

Jane slapped his phone shut and put it back into his pocket. Well he had successfully gotten rid of Lisbon's fake merriment, still he wasn't happy with the results. Lisbon was often grumpy, but not like this. She never threw back someone's pain in their face. She hadn't hurt him, he'd berated himself with much worse than her words. But it was jarring to hear her say that. This wasn't progress at all.

What was becoming rapidly clear to him is that their roles had changed: he was now responsible for her. She had put her trust in him, trust that was precious and very, very fragile. The only problem was that he had no idea how to keep her together. He could push and prod, but he wasn't very good at seeing when to stop. When was it too much?

Had he just pushed her too far? Only time would tell, and that was the worst part.

* * *

><p>The phone call with Jane had stoked up Lisbon's resolve. She had sat in her bedroom for a while, just fuming over it all. Fine, she didn't actually feel like smiling and making jolly with everyone, but she wasn't going to let that stop her.<p>

What was the big deal about the whole thing anyway? It wasn't like he had taken her virginity or anything. It was like when she'd gotten shot: painful, but temporary. No one had died, no permanent damage done. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn't much. There were worst things going on in the world: famine, plague, drought, flesh eating viruses. Her rape wasn't even in the top one hundred list of disasters.

She would prove Jane wrong. She didn't have to show her pain to the world. She would move on, accept the situation as small in comparison to other disasters and continue on with her life.

Her first step would be to carry on with normal activities…well as much as normal could be while she was on leave from work. The hospital had given her a prescription for minor painkillers and an antiretroviral to prevent STD infection. It wasn't the most stimulating of trips, but going to the pharmacy was still normal and Lisbon was ready to be normal again.

With her head held high, she walked down the stairs with the intention of retrieving her purse and the prescriptions. She stopped at the foot of the stairs when she saw Tommy carrying a large bouquet of white roses in a crystal vase. Lisbon blinked at him for a moment and then asked, "Who died?"

"I think they're for you."

Tommy set the vase on the counter and she rifled through the fragrant, snowy white petals until she found the card.

_My deepest sympathies and warmest regards—Jasper Wainwright._

"Secret boyfriend you haven't told me about?" Tommy asked with a teasing smile.

Lisbon rolled her eyes and tossed the white card onto the counter. "Not even close, just my boss's brother. I met him briefly at the fundraiser."

"That was nice of him."

She stared at the array of roses, two dozen if she could venture a guess. Who sends two-dozen white roses to someone they barely know, especially after she had rejected their attentions? "Right now I'm curious as to how he knew where I live," she said.

"Judging from the bouquet, I'd say he's rich," Tommy said.

Lisbon shrugged and pushed the flowers away. "Whatever. He isn't my type."

She spied her purse sitting on the armchair in her living room where she had abandoned it the evening before the gala. Funny how when some things changed forever, others stayed exactly the same. The world could be burning outside, but there would still be something inevitably constant.

"I was going to the pharmacy. You need anything?"

"Pharmacy, huh? Good, I'll drive you."

Lisbon shook her head at him. "I'm fine on my own."

"Reese, you're a little handicapped." He pointed to the cast on her wrist.

She covered the cast with her good hand, as if that could hide the fact that her wrist was broken. "It's fine. I can drive with one hand. I did it after I got shot and that was when I was in a sling."

"Still, I think I should take you."

"I'm a big girl, I can drive myself," she said and turned around to hunt down those keys in her purse.

"But, Reese—."

"No, Tommy, I'm going to the damn pharmacy alone!"

The words came out of her mouth before she had time to think about how bitter they were. She should apologize. She had a lot of things to apologize for: yelling at Tommy, reminding Jane about his past, being the moron that got raped and was now forcing her team to deal with that situation.

She knew an apology was expected, even mandatory after such words and actions, but the traditional words "I'm sorry" never fell from her lips. It seemed she'd lost the will to apologize, like some piece of who she was had been stolen from her. Maybe it had. Maybe _he_ had taken her ability to feel empathy for her own actions. _He_ certainly had none.

"Okay," Tommy said in that quiet, downtrodden tone. There was a tiny spark of sorrow for her what she had done, but it wasn't enough to get her to apologize. She didn't dare dwell on why. She didn't want to ponder over the creature she was becoming.

Lisbon found her keys and let them dangle in her good hand. "I won't be gone long," she said. She paused briefly. "Do you need anything?"

"No, I'm good," Tommy said with a quick shake of his head.

"Okay."

She couldn't bear to be in that apartment for much longer, not while the walls seemed to pressing in on her with unsaid words. She needed to leave before Tommy's presence became a reminder of her cruelty.

The sky was a heavy, gloomy grey, like dirty wool. She could hear the soft rumble of thunder overhead. Soon the skies would let loose their burden. That was okay, it matched her mood perfectly.

Lisbon had to drive a bit more careful since she only had one hand. She remembered after Jane had been bailed out of prison how she'd squired him around in their effort to save him from a possible death sentence. He hadn't once offered to drive. At the time she had assumed it was because he didn't have his car and he was too busy thinking about other things to press the issue. But maybe he had just known her well, known that despite the bad arm that she needed to do things on her own.

That was the thing about Jane. He had known her within the span of their first hello. He'd scanned her once with those blue-green eyes of his and known her past, her personality, even her plans for her future, meager as they were. By contrast, she was still learning about him. He surprised her every day she knew him.

Maybe that was why she wasn't afraid of his touch. He knew everything about her, even her secrets. And she knew some of his in return. They had a bond. She didn't know when that had started, their strange connection. Somehow his wounded soul had attached itself to her. She didn't know how to shake it off. Maybe her own damaged soul was seeking his aid just as his did to her.

The rain splattered across the windshield, first as fat drops and then as full out gushes of water like a faucet. This was good. Now she really had to focus and not let her mind wander.

Her regular pharmacy wasn't far, but rarely frequented by the likes of her. She took pains to keep herself from getting sick. Only when the occasional bug fought its way into a war with her immune system did she venture there for some over-the-counter cure-all on her way to work. No cold had ever stopped her from doing her job.

The rain was still pouring after she found an empty slot in the parking lot. Her umbrella had been broken after her last run in with monsoon like winds so she had no means to protect herself from the weather. One glance in the rearview mirror showed her raccoon like eyes, still purple and blue from her beating. She fished out a pair of sunglasses from the center console and put them on. No one would ever know.

Lisbon tucked her cast under her arm and sprinted for the automatic doors. She spared herself from getting drenched, but she still had to shake the water from her hair.

The counter in the back was currently empty so she quickly gave the pharmacist her health insurance card and the two slips of paper. "It will be about twenty minutes," the pharmacist said.

"That's fine." She could find something to do while she waited.

Lisbon went back to the front and grabbed a plastic basket. Her injuries were still healing so she pulled fresh bandages from the shelf and some antibacterial ointment. She was determined to be in full working order in a few weeks.

Since she was there, she got another tube of toothpaste and dental floss as well as shampoo for Tommy. She had a feeling he didn't want his hair to smell like lavender.

This reminded her of her harsh words to him before she'd left, it was a bit of a relief to feel that guilt. To make up for her lack of an apology, Lisbon decided to get Tommy those God awful powerbars he loved. They were atrociously expensive if memory served her, but she deserved to shell out some extra pennies for her behavior.

There was one specific kind that Tommy liked with some sort of energy booster. Lisbon couldn't remember the specific one, but she was certain if she saw it she would recognize it. But the sunglasses she wore kept her from seeing the tiny print. She lifted up the frames and set them on top of her head as she scanned the purple box she held in her hands.

"Oh my God! What happened to you?"

Lisbon turned her head to the right and saw some twenty-something girl with a ton of diet granola bars was gawking at her. "Nothing," she said and hastily put her sunglasses back on to cover up the damage.

"Were you like in a car accident or something?" There was a ring of pity to her tone. She hated that sound.

"No."

"Then what—?"

"Mind your own damn business," Lisbon huffed out. She threw the box of power bars into her basket and stormed off.

Should she just wear a sandwich board that said "Don't Talk To Me"? Would that tell people to leave her alone and let her figure this out on her own? How much longer would she be a walking train wreck for everyone to slow down and gape at?

She was grateful when it was time to collect her prescription. She was ready to get out of there. She placed her basket on the counter and waited while the pharmacist came up. "Name?"

"Lisbon."

The pharmacist went to the bin and sifted through the bags until she pulled out the right one. Lisbon watched as she checked the name. In that instant, Lisbon got a taste of Jane's gift. It wasn't hard to see the woman read the name, press her hand to her mouth and then whirl around to stare at Lisbon.

For a moment they just stared at one another, and then the pharmacist remembered her job and tried to regain her composure. "Here you go, Miss Lisbon," she said, never dropping her gaze once. "I'll ring these up for you."

Lisbon said nothing, just watched as the woman rang up the rest of her purchases. There were people behind her in line now. Did they recognize her too? How many of them had read about her attack in the papers? There were whispers, were they about her? Were they calling their friends to tell them about the poor rape victim standing in line for her medicine?

The pharmacist handed her a plastic bag and she took it. She avoided everyone's gaze as she headed towards the front of the store. She took the long way, going around the aspirin section to avoid traffic.

That was the plan.

There was the sound of swift feet, but she didn't move away in time. Whoever was in hurry pushed past her, sending her towards the wall.

_The red brick wall rushed out to meet her. She cracked her head against its rough surface with a sickening thud. Pain. All she could think of was her brain pounding out a rhythm in her skull._

_ Grass. When had she fallen? One arm snaked around her waist while the other tugged at her hair. The sudden pain reminded her to fight. Fight. Fight._

"Ma'am? Ma'am are you okay?"

Someone put a hand on her shoulder and Lisbon jerked away from them. The red brick wall was gone, instead it was a non-descript white wall with a poster advertising flu shots that was staring back at her.

She was at the pharmacy, not back in that alley. It wasn't happening again. She was safe…sort of.

"Ma'am, are you all right?"

It was a stock boy who was talking to her, maybe seventeen tops. Lisbon met his concerned eyes, her own eyes wide and unblinking. She had no answer for him. She honestly didn't know.

She wasn't ignorant of what had just happened. A flashback, an intense wave of memory brought on by some triggering force. It was symptom of post traumatic stress. A common symptom for rape victims.

Victim.

She hadn't wanted to be one of those. She had wanted to be strong, to push aside what had happened and continue on with her life. That was what she was supposed to do. But it was too late. She was one of those people. She was a victim and nothing could change that.

Lisbon ran past the stock boy, steered clear of incoming shoppers as she ran through the automatic doors. Once she was outside the building she stopped. The air was cool and wet from the pouring rain. She sucked in one breath and let it out slowly. Her hope went with it.

Everything seemed grey to her. Sad. Pained. Her world was that now. She wasn't a person anymore. She didn't belong in that world full of bright colors and sunshine. She was unknown, foreign, a stranger to this new world of depression and grey…so much grey.

The rain fell down on her as she slowly walked through the parking lot. She let it soak through her hair. It ran down her face, formed droplets on her sunglasses and plastered her clothes to her skin. She didn't notice this. She didn't care. Rain was eternal in this new world for her. It was the tears she had cried and had yet to shed, an endless storm of tears.

She found her car and unlocked it without even thinking about her task. She threw the wet plastic bag into the back seat and sat there in the front. She listened to the rain pounding on the roof of her car, cascading down the windshield like a river down a smooth, glass hill. The knuckles that gripped her steering wheel were white and the hands shook.

Actually, her whole body was quivering, rattling the bones and making her lips tremble. It wasn't the cold. She didn't feel anything now, not the rain in her clothes nor the prickle of the air on her wet skin. Fear still had it's talons locked around her. Maybe she would never get free.

_ You couldn't be all right_, Jane had said. Also _pretending you're not in pain isn't going to help_. He'd been right again. She wasn't all right and fake smiles and cheer couldn't hide the truth.

She was broken.

Lisbon couldn't remember driving home. One second she was a bundle of quivering nerves, sitting in her car and then she was standing at her apartment door and fumbling with her key.

Tommy was sitting on the couch watching a football game. He looked up at her and frowned. There wasn't a mirror, but she guessed she looked like she had fallen into a pool on her way over. She just stood there and let him look at her. Apparently she was meant for public viewing now. What was the point in fighting it?

"Reese?"

She held up the plastic bag and then let it fall to the floor. "I got you some powerbars." Her voice sounded so hollow. Her body was drained of any feeling now.

"Thanks," he said, but he didn't sound grateful. He stood up from the couch and took a careful step towards her. "Reese, are you okay?"

He's asked her that question at least a hundred times. Everyone asked her that now and she always said, "Sure" or "I'm doing better" or some other positive response. But now she was tired of lying, tired of pretending. She was done being human.

"No," she said.

She didn't look back at him. She just turned and wandered to the staircase. The stairs creaked as they always did, but each step felt steeper than the last. When had her staircase become the slope of a mountain?

Lisbon finally reached the top and went into her bedroom, shutting the door behind her. Her bed was made up in perfect, straight corners. She had been trying to keep her place neat and organized, but that was when she had cared about being normal. Now she just sank onto the mattress without thinking about how the blankets would be soaked by her wet clothes.

She lay there and stared at the ceiling fan, watching as it spun around and around and around. This was another part of her world now. Solitude. No one else was like her. No one else could understand her. She had no one but herself. At least here she was safe from the curious eyes of the ignorant…and the cruel hands of one wicked man.

* * *

><p>Jane was still brooding over his phone call with Lisbon from earlier that day. He wasn't sure what had him concerned more, her faux cheer or her sudden shift to anger. The fact that she'd directed it at him was not what concerned him; it was how her mood swung from one end of the pendulum to the next that had him worried.<p>

Lisbon had always had a temper, one he found particular amusement in rousing up but that fire had always been short lived and contained. She'd never tried to lash out at him before like that, never throwing someone else's pain as a shield against her own. It meant that the problem was deeper than he had assumed, she wasn't just trying to deny the pain she was in. To change to two different extremes meant that she didn't have much of a control on her emotions, if she had any at all. She was treading dangerous ground.

He had a feeling that this was leading towards a major blow up. He had no idea what kind of damage would be left in its wake.

"Jane…Jane…you all right?"

Jane looked up from his now tepid cup of tea to see Rigsby standing by him with a steaming mug of coffee. He hadn't even noticed the man walk in to the break room. Apparently his skills of observation were at a loss when he was brooding.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

Rigsby just gave him a somber look. "I'm worried about her too." Either Rigsby was finally taking some of Jane's methods to heart or he was doing a poor job at hiding his emotions. Jane suspected it was the latter. Rigsby put his cup of coffee on the table and sat down across from Jane. "I feel so useless, I'm not doing enough. Maybe I could bring her something else?"

"Yes how many muffins, flowers, brownies and stacks of paperwork does it take for someone to start to feel better?" Jane asked sarcastically.

Rigsby smiled sheepishly. "I guess you're right."

"Lisbon doesn't want to be coddled or pitied. As much as you want to show that you are standing by her with gifts…the best thing we can do is try and treat her as normally as possible."

"Is that really what we are supposed to do?"

Jane shrugged. "It seems to be the best option."

Rigsby didn't seem completely satisfied with that answer. "Maybe I should call or her or go see her."

"I called her earlier and you saw her this morning, anymore than that and she'll think you're moving in."

The other man looked up at Jane in surprise. "You called her?" Jane simply nodded his reply; a little sorry that he had even mentioned it. "Was she still pretending to be all cheerful?"

"Something like that." Jane decided to keep the flare up and the abrupt end of the phone call to himself. He didn't want to worry Rigsby anymore than he already was.

"Calling her was probably a good idea, I mean Tommy said she still doesn't like to be touched."

Jane nodded again while trying to keep his face impassive. "It's best not to push her."

"Do you think she'll get over that?"

"With time." Lisbon was still haphephobic, well there was no surprise there. It would take a while before she would feel comfortable being close to even someone she trusts.

Except him.

He hadn't told anyone yet that she allowed him to hold her let alone touch her. Jane was reluctant to let the rest of the team be aware of the exception to Lisbon's paranoia. He didn't want to face the onslaught of questions that would inevitably come, not when he didn't know the answer…or didn't want to admit to it.

Jane couldn't stop thinking about when he helped her dress in the hospital. It was a level of intimacy he wasn't used to, something he hadn't felt in nine years. It bothered him more than a little that Lisbon was so at ease with him. He was grateful that she was able to feel some degree of comfort with someone…he just didn't want the responsibility of healing her to be exclusively his. He'd barely been taking care of himself for years, he wasn't sure if he could take on this burden.

But he didn't really have a choice. Lisbon needed help and if he was the one that had to do it then that was that. It wasn't that he didn't want to help her or was resentful of this burden. He just was terrified of failing.

Jane's broodings were interrupted again, this time by the added presence of Grace. She strode towards the refrigerator for a bottle of water but turned to face her friends. "Hey, what's up?" she said in a very spirited voice.

He gave Rigsby a knowing look. "Hm, who knew false cheer was contagious?"

Grace heaved a sigh and gave Jane a pointed look. "Really, you have to bring us all down?"

"I apologize," Jane told her. It was Grace's nature to try and cheer everyone up, even when it was ultimately pointless. He shouldn't have scoffed at it.

"We're all just, you know, worried about her," Rigsby said.

Grace nodded but her cheerfulness had dissipated. "I keep waiting for her to show up with her coffee and her instructions. She always knows what to do…I miss her."

Rigsby looked at Grace with a meaningful gaze. "Why haven't you seen her?"

That startled the junior agent. She gaped and Rigsby and blinked a couple of times. "What?" Jane winced a little, that was a poor way to try to elude a question.

"Lisbon mentioned this morning that she hasn't spoken to you in a while," Rigsby explained.

"Oh," Grace shifted her stance, visibly uncomfortable, "well I've just been busy, you know?"

"I'm sure Cho would let you out early if you wanted to see her today."

Grace shook her head. "No, that isn't necessary. I mean I have a lot of paperwork and other stuff that needs to be done. I'll go see her soon."

Rigsby shoved aside his coffee and crossed his arms. He was beginning to catch on to Grace's game and obviously didn't like it. "When?"

She shrugged and looked away from his piercing eyes. "Soon."

He stood up quickly from his seat. "You don't want to see her at all?" His voice was loud and angry. Grace stood there looking up at him with a numb expression on her face, like a child caught in a lie. "You know I understood when you didn't want to see her at the hospital. But she's home now and she's asking about you. I mean of all the people here I thought _you _would be by her side!"

Grace blinked a couple time, her cheeks tinted red. Without another word she ducked her head and fled the room. No doubt to hide out at her desk or find a private place to shed a few tears.

Rigsby was too angry to feel much guilt, that would come later, Jane didn't doubt yet. But right now, Rigsby had the wrong idea. Grace wasn't hiding from Lisbon out of lack of empathy, no; the poor girl empathized too much.

Jane waited as Rigsby sat down again with an angry sigh before speaking. "It's not what you think."

The other man looked up with a curious expression. "Then what is it?"

He was quiet for a beat before asking. "Rigsby, when you found what happened, what did you feel?"

Rigsby leaned back in his chair and looked up at the ceiling as he tried to recall his exact emotions. "I was sad…angry…disgusted at the man who did this to her…hatred."

Jane nodded, never taking his eyes off Rigsby. "That is something we all felt." He leaned forward now. "But Grace…she felt _fear_ and _relief._ Now that isn't a bad thing, it's natural. She's going to react differently because she is a woman. She never thought that this would happen to a friend and now she fears that it could happen to her. While you and Cho feel anger and aggression…Grace feels vulnerable."

He appeared to be slowly coming around so Jane continued. "She doesn't want to see Lisbon because right now, she is a reminder of the danger _she_ faces now too. She's not comfortable seeing Lisbon and pushing her into going before she is ready would only make things worse for both of them. You shouldn't be angry with Grace, she's just…afraid."

Rigsby was quiet for a while as he stared into his coffee cup. Finally he leaned forward, and rested his head in his hands. "This…this is just torture…for all of us." He looked back up at Jane. "I never realized that there were so many victims in this type of crime."

Jane didn't say anything but simply nodded his head. It was a truth that they were all beginning to realize. Lisbon had been the one who was physically raped but all of them were feeling that violation. Perhaps Rigsby was right, they were all victims.

* * *

><p>When Tuesday rolled by Lisbon gave up any pretense of normalcy. Instead she lay curled up in bed wearing ratty sweats, she wasn't sleeping, no her mind wandered quite often. Since the horrible incident at the pharmacy the day before, Lisbon had resolved to stop trying to act like everything would be okay. No instead she was feeling like she was adrift in a dark sea, helpless and alone.<p>

She didn't want to go out. She didn't want to see anyone. She didn't even want to look at herself, which is why she had spent the previous evening covering every single mirror in her home. Even going so far as to cover the large mirror in her bathroom by taping newspaper over it.

For now, staying in bed was good. No one could see her or talk about her, she could just stay alone. It was what was best for everyone.

Lisbon remained immobile in her bed even as she heard her brother's footsteps coming up the stairs towards her room. He paused a moment in the doorway, taking in the pathetic image of his older sister curled up in her covers like a child. Tommy walked over to stand by her bed. "Hey Reese, you hungry? It's past noon and you didn't come down for breakfast."

"I'm fine," she said. Her voice was very soft and low; she didn't put any emotion in it either.

"I could bring something up here for you?"

"I'm fine."

Tommy sighed. "Why don't you go out? We could go do something, anything you want."

She shook her head a little but didn't rise up from the mattress an inch. "I don't want to go out. I don't want people seeing me when I look like this."

Lisbon didn't have to look up to see the pain fill Tommy's eyes. He didn't fight her on that point though; he could understand why she didn't want people to see her bruised and still broken body. He sat down on the edge of the bed but maintained a careful distance so that she was still comfortable. "Are you okay, Reese?" Lisbon didn't say anything, but kept her eyes straight ahead. "I heard you shower last night, why did you need to shower at three in morning?"

She wasn't going to tell him that. How she'd finally given into exhaustion and fallen asleep only to find herself back in that alley, being explored and violated by an unforgiving specter. She'd woken up crying into her pillow so that Tommy wouldn't hear, but she'd felt horrible and disgusting. Which is why she'd showered at three in the morning. And again only two hours earlier after remembering how it had felt to have that man's hands traveling over her body. Showering was the only way she could feel clean, but she didn't think she would ever feel completely clean again.

Tommy sighed again. "Hey, why don't you come downstairs?"

"Tommy," she said softly, "I really just want to stay here."

He was quiet for a moment before rising to his feet. "Okay. I'll leave you alone, but if you need anything, I'm here."

She nodded but remained silent, even as a single tear snaked it's way down her cheek. Finally she was alone again and able to relish the solitude. It was better if she stayed away; she was like a disease, infecting the world with her gloom. She knew Tommy hated looking at her now, he must feel so sorry for his pathetic sister who was completely broken.

For a long time there was just silence. But then her phone began to vibrate against the top of her bedside table. Lisbon rolled over to look at the caller I.D. expecting to see one of the three members of her team that seemed to be checking up on her. Rigsby or Cho always called, Jane hadn't called since she'd hung up on him the day before but no doubt he would give into his protective instincts later. Only Grace stayed away, Lisbon had a feeling that her inability to protect herself had ruined that relationship forever. Maybe Grace couldn't respect a boss that was now a victim.

But it wasn't, Cho or Rigsby or Jane.

It was Bertram.

Lisbon blinked a couple of times, completely surprised that her boss was calling her. But she was never one to ignore a superior so she reluctantly answered the phone. "This is Agent Lisbon," she said, but her voice still sounded dead and hollow.

"Lisbon," Bertram's voice was very cheerful which usually meant he wanted something from her. "It's Gale Bertram, I just called to see how you are doing."

"I'm fine, sir," she told him simply. She doubted he was that concerned for her well-being.

"I'm glad to hear that. I want you to know that you have our support throughout this time, we want to help out in any way possible."

"Thank you," Lisbon replied. She really didn't know how the CBI could help her get through this beyond letting her get back to work. That wasn't going to be possible with her broken wrist so the next best thing would be to leave her alone.

"Actually, I was hoping that you would come by the office today. There are a few things we should discuss."

"Oh?" Lisbon asked surprised. What could Bertram possibly want to talk about? Was he going to berate her for being stupid enough to be raped?

"Nothing to concern yourself with," Bertram said in his snake oil voice, "But it would be best to discuss this in person."

Lisbon didn't want to leave the comfort of her bed. She didn't want to go out and face the people she worked with, to endure their whispers and stares as they watch her walk down the halls. She didn't want them to see what a pathetic creature she was now.  
>But she didn't want to disobey her boss either.<p>

"Okay," she answer softly, her voice betraying her uncertainty.

"Wonderful, I look forward to seeing you this afternoon."

Bertram hung up and Lisbon set the cell phone down as if it weighed several pounds. She had to get up and go to the CBI. She had to face everyone in the office.

Oh God, how would she get through this?

* * *

><p>Lisbon felt like a celebrity, or maybe a leper, as she made her way through the halls of the CBI. The sunglasses hid the bruising around the eyes, they also made it a lot easier for her to look around and see that everyone was stopping in their tracks to gape at her. If she turned around she would see people turning to whisper to their neighbors but she didn't, she continued her slow solitary trek towards the only haven she knew.<p>

Before she could reach her office she was spotted by Grace. The junior agent froze in the middle of the hallway, completely stunned. "Boss…you…you're here."

"Yeah," Lisbon replied but her voice still sounded like dead leaves.

"Well, we've uh…" Grace floundered around for words, obviously embarrassed by the situation. She shouldn't have been, Lisbon was honestly too numb to feel anything anymore. "Do you need something?"

Lisbon shook her head. Grace eyed the bullpen that she had just been leaving. "Actually I've got some uh…reports that need to be…uh checked." She started backing up away from her boss. "I should get to that." Without another word Grace turned around and fled.

She watched the agent rush away and tried to work up some form of ire but all she felt was sadness. Grace didn't want to see her, who could blame her though? She didn't want to see herself either. Lisbon spotted more eyes watching her from behind the glass walls of the other offices. Everyone was watching the walking, talking disaster area.

She tried to ignore the prying eyes while she continued to make her way down the hallway, stopping at her office door.

There was her name, printed in official letters, designating that inside this room was what she had worked for years to become. She was an agent of the CBI, head of the serious crimes unit, a position she had earned through years of service. Lisbon reached up and ran her fingertips over the letters of her name. She was a cop, that was who she was right?

Lisbon opened the door and walked into the room. Everything was as it was before she had left for the fundraiser. It had only been a few days before but somehow it felt like years. Her computer was still resting on top of her desk next to the piles of paperwork and case folders and framed photographs. Her chess set was still assembled next to the big white couch Jane had bought for her. Everything was exactly how she remembered it.

Except everything looked completely foreign. She felt like she was seeing this office for the first time, she knew where everything was and its purpose but still it all seemed different. That was when she realized what was the problem. Nothing was different…she was.

She was a complete stranger.

She wasn't that same woman that had left this office a few days ago, she wasn't that cop that knew what she was doing and had every confidence in her life and occupation. That woman had disappeared; in her place was a broken person with no identity except that of someone who was violated and ashamed.

Lisbon was still looking around the familiar and foreign room when Jane walked by her now open office. His keen observation skills must have noted the open door and then the occupant inside the room but he obviously hadn't been expecting to see her. He actually did a double take before coming to an abrupt halt, if she'd been in that kind of mood she'd have found that a little funny, but she wasn't finding anything humorous these days.

Jane walked into the office to stand in front of her. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to check on things," she replied, it was the truth, sort of.

"And that is all?" His voice making it clear that he didn't believe her for a minute, well that was Jane. He always could see through her like a sheet of glass.

"Bertram called me," she explained softly, "he said he wanted to talk to me."

Jane's lips tightened as soon as she said Bertram's name and he shook his head. "Go home," he said, his voice firm and there was an edge to it that startled her.

"Excuse me?"

"Bertram has nothing good for you to do, go home," he repeated.

Actually that was exactly what she wanted to do; she wanted to still be in her bed where no one would have to endure looking at her. She sighed heavily. "I can't do that."

"Of course you can, it's easy. You get into your car and drive."

Lisbon closed her eyes and shook her head, not wanted to listen to Jane's humor no matter how sweet it was. "No I can't, he's my boss, I can't just ignore him."

"You're my boss, or so you like to tell me, I ignore you all the time."

"Well I'm not you, Jane," Lisbon replied, an iciness to her voice that had been completely free of emotion until now.

She moved around him to leave the room but Jane grabbed her hand in a weak grip. "Please, Lisbon, don't do this."

His voice was pleading and it made her heart melt just a little, his fingers were warm against her cold skin. She wanted that warmth; it made her feel like maybe she was still alive. But Lisbon had never ignored a superior's wishes before. "I'm sorry, Jane," she told him and pulled away from him, ignoring his worried eyes.

She left the place that was once her office and took the elevator up to Bertram's floor. Normally whenever she took this path it was with either trepidation or pride, usually because Jane had done something bad or they had closed a very important case. Now she felt nothing. She didn't care about what he wanted from her. Nothing seemed to matter anymore.

The secretary buzzed her in. Bertram was sitting behind his desk, pen in hand as he signed some important document. He was every inch the director of the California Bureau of Investigation. A shame she couldn't muster any respect for him.

"Ah, Agent Lisbon." Bertram threw down his pen and then leaned back in his chair. "Thank you for coming in." He frowned. "Why are you wearing sunglasses?"

"Sorry, sir." She reached up and plucked them from her face.

Bertram gave a slow, careful scan of the bruises. "Are you healing?"

"According to the doctors."

"Excellent," Bertram said, "We are glad to hear of your recovery." He gestured towards the chair across from his desk. "Please sit."

She took up the chair without a word of thanks. "How are things going?" she asked.

"I'm glad you asked me that." He leaned forward to rest his elbows on his desk, lacing his fingers together. "We're taking a beating from the media."

"Oh." Her voice was empty. She wanted to care, but she just couldn't.

"You can imagine how this looks for the Bureau." She gave him a nod. "I'm doing what I can, but I could really use your help."

"What can I do?"

Bertram gave her that smile that reminded her of an image she'd seen in Sunday school of Satan tempting Eve. "I would like you to join me in a brief meeting with the press."

Lisbon's heart picked up it's pace, just a little. "A press conference?"

"Yes. Would you be willing?"

"To do what?"

Bertram frowned at her. "To speak with the press."

"Oh." She sounded like a moron, she knew that. But she couldn't seem to command her own words. It was like half of her mind was gone.

"Agent Lisbon, are you willing to help this Bureau?" Bertram's voice sounded strained and impatient. Basically, normal.

"Sure." What other answer was there?

"Thank you, I appreciate this." He lifted his wrist so he could stare at his expensive gold watch. "It begins in twenty minutes."

"So soon?"

"I was scheduled to speak with them already, but I had hoped you would join me."

Lisbon nodded. "I'm sure you were." It didn't really matter that she had been scammed. There were worse things, she'd learned that a few days ago.

"Perhaps you'd like to fix yourself up and then you can meet me in the conference room."

"Okay." She didn't bring any makeup with her, not that it mattered. Nothing could hide her wounds.

But she could pretend that she cared about her appearance, if that was what Bertram wanted from her. Lisbon stood up from her chair. "Thank you, Agent Lisbon," Bertram said.

"All in the line of duty," she said. It was a part of the job, nothing more.

She opened the door and nearly ran into Jane. "Were you waiting for me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"What did Bertram want?"

Lisbon pushed past him and started walking back down the hallway. "He wants me to talk at a press conference with him."

She saw his face get that alarmed look, as if the robot were screaming 'Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!'

Jane shook his head. "Don't do this. Go home."

"I already agreed."

"Tell him you changed your mind."

"I'll be fine, Jane." She could hear the hollowness of her voice and see how her words did nothing to appease him. She wasn't sure what she wanted, to convince him he was wrong or for him to persuade her to leave. Maybe both. Maybe neither.

"I have twenty minutes," she said, "How do I look?"

Jane looked at her, from the top of her hardly brushed hair to the toes of her worn sneakers. He didn't say a word.

"That bad, huh? Maybe Brenda has a brush I could borrow." She turned back around and walked towards the staircase. Brenda's office was only one floor down, no sense in using the elevator.

"Lisbon…" Jane called after her, but she didn't turn around. He could chase after her, but he wasn't sure what good that would do. Damn.

What had happened to her? Just yesterday she had been pretending to be chipper and now she was sluggish and empty. She showed no emotion, made no effort to hide her pain. Something had sparked this new Lisbon, this detached, numb woman walking around in Lisbon's body.

"Jane, what are you doing here?" Bertram asked him while stepping out of his office. Good, maybe he could talk some sense into the man.

"Don't make her do this press conference."

Bertram squared his shoulders, his usual defensive position. "She agreed."

"She can't do this, she's not herself."

"She seemed perfectly fine to me."

Either the man was blind or he simply didn't care. Jane was guessing it was the latter. "Wait until she's seen her therapist."

"I need her to do this now."

It was reaching that desperate hour. Right now Lisbon was in need so Jane knew he had no choice but to give Bertram what he had always wanted. "Bertram," he said, "I am _begging_ you, please do not let her do this."

Bertram grinned, just a little. Jane knew he had been waiting for years to have him beg for something. Still, he shook his head. "I know this may be hard to believe, Jane, but I do have Agent Lisbon's best interests at heart. I wouldn't have her do this if I was worried about how this would affect her."

Jane was too furious for words. The man was both a fool and a liar, a combination he hated the most. Bertram smiled and gestured for him to move. "Now, if you'll excuse me."

Bertram walked away and Jane glared at his back. The man was a true politician, forcing others to do his bidding without thinking ahead on the consequences. This was going to be an unmitigated disaster. Worse, there was no way to stop it.

* * *

><p>The rest of Lisbon's team took the news as well as can be expected: badly.<p>

"I'm going to kill him," Rigsby declared but then his mind caught up with his mouth. He realized that he had basically just threatened his boss. "…Or something."

"That's helpful," Cho remarked in his usual dry tone.  
>Rigsby ignored Cho's comment. "Why would she agree to do this?"<p>

Jane had been standing calmly, watching as they reacted to the coming press conference. He was calm because he knew that being anything else would not be useful. He was angry, he was upset…and he was worried. "She's not herself," Jane explained simply, "Bertram took advantage of this."

"He took advantage of Miss Congeniality?"

Grace shifted in her stance a little and shook her head. "She isn't acting happy anymore." Rigsby and Cho turned to face her with surprised expressions. "I saw her when she came in," she explained, "she wasn't pretending to be happy, she seemed really…numb. Like she wasn't feeling anything anymore."

Jane nodded. "Something happened."

"What?"

He shrugged, he honestly had no idea, but he could guess that it had been horrible for her. "Nothing good," Jane replied softly.

Rigsby let out a frustrated groan and threw his hands up in the air. "Is this ever going to end?" He looked up suddenly with hope, "We should stop it! What can we do?"

"We could kidnap her," Jane said immediately.

"Jane," Grace said, "Be serious.

"I am." He meant it. Kidnapping Lisbon and forcing her to go home seemed like a damn good idea. Unfortunately the rest of the team didn't agree with him.

Rigsby let out a long sigh before looking back at his friends. "How bad of a disaster is this going to be?"

Cho was the one who answered with the obvious. "Somewhere in between the _Titanic_ and the _Hindenburg_."

Rigsby groaned at Cho's comment while Jane silently agreed. Grace was the one who met their eyes reluctantly. "Do we have to go and watch?" Rigsby gave her an incredulous look so she added quickly. "I'm sorry but I don't want to watch Lisbon like this, it's just…it's awful."

Jane really couldn't blame her; he didn't want to watch Lisbon endure a press conference either, especially when he knew that this was going to be an unmitigated catastrophe.

Before anybody could say anything, either to agree with Grace's sentiment or to reprimand her for what could be perceived as being unsupportive, Wainwright rushed into the bullpen. He looked haggard and upset, it was obvious that he had learned about what was about to happen. "Have any of you tried to convince Agent Lisbon that a press conference would _not_ be in her best interest?"

As he so often did in situations like this, Jane resorted to sarcasm. "Thank you Wainwright, that never would have occurred to us." The rest of the team gave him the same disapproving look that Lisbon would have given him normally. He sighed but didn't look them in the eye. "I apologize, that was uncalled for."

Wainwright chose to ignore Jane's outburst, he knew that Jane was concerned about Lisbon…they all were. "Is Lisbon going to be able to do this?"

Jane sighed and shook his head slowly. "Probably not."

"Any options on how to stop this."

"Well I offered up kidnapping," Jane explained, "but the other's aren't going for it."

Wainwright didn't appreciate Jane's plan either. He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I can talk to Bertram. Maybe he'll see reason."

Jane let out a bitter chuckle. "Oh that won't work. Bertram is trying to save the CBI…and his own skin."

The boss didn't quite agree. "I'm still going to talk to him." He quietly left the room with Lisbon's team watching him with identical grave expressions on their faces.

Rigsby was the one who broke the silence. "What _can_ we do?"

But it was Grace who said the obvious. "Pray."

Jane didn't reply. He wasn't a praying man, especially to an entity he didn't believe in. But if he did pray…it would be that theirs would be answered.

* * *

><p>The conference room was abuzz with nearly twenty members of the press who were busy setting up cameras and planning their soul-eating questions. For Jane, it was like watching a crowd of peasants gleefully waiting for the bloody spectacle of an execution. They knew it wasn't going to be pretty. They reveled in it.<p>

"I hate the press," Grace said in a grumble. None of them had spoken, but they had all been thinking the same thing. "They're like vultures."

"That's an insult to vultures," Cho said.

"Can't argue with that," Rigsby agreed, shaking his head at the whole lot of them.

Jane stood there in silence. He completely agreed with their assessment, but he didn't voice his thoughts. He was too busy figuring out which worst case scenario was about to come true. None of his usual talents were necessary, even the blind, deaf and dumb could see that this was going to be terrible.

Bertram stepped up to the stage with Lisbon just behind him. "Here we go," Rigsby murmured.

The cameras flickered as they snapped images of Director Bertram and Agent Lisbon standing side by side. Bertram smiled at the press, looking comfortable and friendly to his fellow heartless pricks. Lisbon looked like the walking dead. She didn't smile, barely even blinked, just stared out across the rows of the waiting press. If she saw her team, she made no indication of it.

The bloodbath was beginning…now.

"Good afternoon," Bertram said, "Thank you all for coming. This has been a trying time for everyone here at the CBI. This has been a terrible wound for us all and we are working together to heal that wound."

Lisbon knew Bertram was saying something, but she couldn't understand the words. She could only look out amongst the swarm of faces and the flashing lights. It was strange, she knew what this was but she couldn't remember what she supposed to be doing. Her mind was gone. Her eyes worked just fine though. She could see each individual members of the press…including Kyle Hathaway.

The last time she'd seen him had been at the fundraiser when he was trying to get a quote from her. He'd walked out with the story of his life. Was he smiling? Oh God, he was enjoying this. They all were.

"We have time for a few questions," Bertram said. How long had they been standing there. Lisbon found the clock on the wall and saw it had already been ten minutes. Who knew that time flew by when locked in your own body?

"Agent Lisbon, will you take the podium?"

Huh? Oh yeah, press conference. She was supposed to talk.

She walked forward and took Bertram's place at the wooden podium. The wood was scratched, old and full of cracks. How many people had stood here before her? How many had stood there at a press conference about their own rape?

That one was easy: zero.

"Don't just stand there, Lisbon, smile," Bertram whispered to her. She flashed her teeth, but it was only a meager grin. There was no warmth in her eyes, just emptiness.

Everyone was looking at her, waiting for her to say something. Lisbon had never been the kind of person who was afraid of crowds. Being the daughter of an abusive alcoholic had one interesting side effect: she didn't fear for herself when she had other people she needed to protect. But now she could feel that bud of panic blossoming inside of her.

The cameras were flashing, forcing her to blink furiously. Thank God she did. Across the room, past the sea of cameras, notebooks and eager expressions, she found Jane. He didn't looked pleased or anxious like Bertram. His face was as empty as hers, but she knew he could read her mind. Maybe that was why he kept his eyes pinned on hers. He knew she needed something to focus on.

"Hello," she said flatly, "Does anyone have any questions?"

Jane watched as one reporter in a vivid green jacket stole Lisbon's attention. "Do you know who did this?" she asked.

"No," was her monosyllabic reply. Lisbon looked down at the podium. He urged her to meet his gaze, willing her to look at him and not at the bloodthirsty reporters. For a long, paralyzing moment he feared she had already lost her strength. But she did look up and find him again. What he could do was precious little, but at least when she looked at him she knew that he wasn't eager for her answers and pain.

"Do you have any suspects?" another reporter asked her.

"I don't…" she half whispered and then said louder, "I can't tell you that."

Bertram stepped in, his smile glittering with polite cheer. "It's an ongoing investigation. We can't divulge any details."

The subtitle said "No suspects" and everyone there knew it.

"Can you tell us about what happened?" another lady reporter asked.

Lisbon stared at her, her chest heaving in quick, sharp breaths. Her chin quivered and then she shook her head. "No."

Just like before, she met Jane's eyes again and her nerves quieted.

"It hasn't been bad so far," Grace said, "Maybe it will be okay." Ignorance was bliss and Grace tried hard to be blissful.

"Agent Lisbon." Kyle Hathaway's voice came out of the gaggle of reporters. His hand was up, but he wasn't waiting for her to pick him. "What do you have to say to those of the public who have doubts about the CBI because of your brutal attack?"

Lisbon visibly froze, her lips parting and trembling just a little. Her eyes were unblinking and fixated on the man who had asked such a heinous question. Out of the corner of his eyes, Jane saw Rigbsy take a step forward and Grace and Cho pull him back. Jane did the best he could to keep his own rage off of his face, but he couldn't help but clench his fists at his sides.

Bertram could see the danger coming and swooped in to answer the question himself. Prattling on about how this shouldn't reflect on the CBI's credibility, meanwhile Lisbon had turned into a lifeless Greek statue.

She could feel her heart pounding, the pulse throbbing in her head. _Breathe. In and out, in and out._ She tried to focus on the air whooshing in and out of her lungs. She wanted to look away from Hathaway, to find Jane again, but her eyes wouldn't obey.

He was right.

How could she call herself a cop when she was now a victim?

They all knew it. Everyone did, maybe even Jane thought it to himself. She had emerged from that alley a different sort of person, a wraith of who she once was. She had failed to protect herself.

Was failure anything new? She had failed to protect her brothers from her father. She had failed to pull her father from his drunken ways and then failed to keep him alive. She had failed to find Red John, amongst other killers who managed to slip away. Now she had failed to stop one man from raping her.

"We want to assure everyone here that Agent Lisbon is recovering and we are all here to support her through this." Bertram paused to smile at the gathering. He stretched out one arm towards her, but she didn't notice.

Jane did.

_Don't do it,_ he thought, knowing it was in vain,_ Don't do it._

"We here at the CBI like to think of ourselves not as a Bureau, but as a family." He finished his words by wrapping his arm around Lisbon's shaking shoulders.

_Damn it._

Lisbon's eyes flew open in large, gaping pools of panic. She moved like lightening, shoving Bertram away from her. "Don't touch me! Don't you dare touch me!"

Who was this crazy woman screaming? Lisbon could hear the voice but she couldn't figure out who it belonged too. Bertram was just standing there, his mouth opening and closing like a mindless goldfish in a bowl. The entire room was completely silent.

_It's me. I'm the crazy woman._

There was a snapping sound. Lisbon looked over at the crowd and saw a flash of light from a camera. There was another and another. Now there were dozens of lights, snapping picture after picture in a dizzying speed of flashes. The sound seemed to say a message meant only for her.

_Your failure. Your fault. You. You. _YOU.

The truth roared in her ears, the lights blinded her eyes. Lisbon felt her heart squeeze while her stomach rolled. She couldn't breathe anymore. Her feet were moving before she was even aware of her intention. The stage had two steps and she missed the last one, falling to her knees on the floor. No one tried to help her up and she wanted none.

Within a second she was on her feet again and running. She left the conference room behind, the wicked reporters and their biting tongues. The occupants of the hallway were ignored as she ran past them, pushing open the door to the stairwell with her shoulder. She stumbled down a flight of stairs and burst into the heat of California.

Lisbon panted in air to her starving lungs, but it did no good. She doubled over by the bushes and let the lunch Tommy had forced her to eat fall onto the ground.

"Boss?" It was Rigsby. If he was behind her then all of them were.

"Boss, are you okay?" Van Pelt asked.

She said nothing, just sucked in noisy breaths that came out in whimpers. Tears were rolling down her cheeks and she did nothing to wipe them away. She shut her eyes and let her body shake. Why bother pretending anymore?

"Lisbon, it's okay."

Jane.

She could feel his presence at her back, but he did nothing. The others weren't so close. Maybe they hated being with her now.

The sobs escaped her lips, no matter how much she wanted to stifle them. She had never cried in front her team, not like this. She hadn't even cried in front of her brothers at their mother's funeral. She had always waited until she was alone. She was losing who she used to be, piece by piece, chunk by chunk.

Jane put one hand on her shoulder, still no revulsion at his touch. Only comfort, blessed comfort. He added his other hand, sliding them both up and down her arms as he gently pulled her back towards him.

"Breathe," he whispered into her hair, "Breathe, Lisbon." She tried but it still came out in sobs with gushes of tears. He kept stroking her arms, his breathe warming her ear. "Shh, it's okay. It's okay, stop thinking about them. They mean nothing. Focus on me, on my voice. Just listen to the wind. Feel it stir your hair, brush against your face. It feels good doesn't it?"

Lisbon nodded.

"Good. Just relax. You're doing fine."

The tears had stopped along with her rapid pants. She pulled away from Jane, wiping at her cheeks and nose with her sleeves. "I'm all right now."

She turned around, but kept her chin tucked down to her chest. She couldn't look at them, not even at Jane. "I guess you were right," Lisbon said, "I should have gone home."

The struck her as funny. For once, Jane had given _her_ advice and _she_ had ignored _him_. The smile formed on her lips and then laughter bubbled forth. "I sounded deranged," she said, barely getting the words out her.

Her whole body was shaking again, but this time from some strange mirth. She doubled over, clutching her burning stomach while she laughed. "Did you see…" More laughter. "…their faces? They were so…so…" She couldn't finish, could barely breathe anymore from it all.

"Let me take you home," Jane said and put one hand on her shoulder but she brushed it away.

"No, I'm fine, besides you drive like a maniac." She let out another snort of laughter. "But then again, so am I."

Lisbon turned around, trying to muffle her hysterics with her hand. Better to go the long way by walking around the building to the parking lot. She was losing her mind and it was best to let few people see her like this.

Her team watched her walk away, all four of them stunned into absolute silence. It was a horror they never thought they would see.

It was Rigsby who stated the obvious. "She's losing it."

Jane didn't reply. There was no need. Anyone with eyes could see the truth.

Lisbon was falling apart.

* * *

><p>The drive home had sobered her up, replacing what had been humorous into something painful once again. There would be articles written about her, video of it replayed over and over again on television. It was bad enough having to go before the press as the poor downtrodden rape victim; shouting at her boss after he'd unwittingly touched her had only put the cherry on top of it all. Now she would be lucky if Bertram didn't fire her or consider finding a way to lock her up in an institution.<p>

Give it a week, she might save him the trouble and be committed sooner rather than later.

"Hey, how'd it go?" Tommy asked as soon as she walked into the door. He noticed the expression on her face and immediately grew concerned. "What happened?"

"Watch the news," she told him, "I'm sure you'll see it soon enough."

Lisbon didn't elaborate any further. She just wanted to go back upstairs to her bed. She should have followed her feelings and stayed in it. That was the plan, to change back into her sweatpants and curl up in bed for the rest of the day…or maybe her life.

_"Can you tell us about what happened?"_ The ignorant reporter had asked. Tell her about what happened? Did she actually want the details? Did she want to hear about how much it hurt to have someone force himself on you? How terrifying it was to know that you were helpless?

Or maybe she wanted the other details. How she felt sick every time her brother touched her. How she screamed into her pillow every night when she suffered through another nightmare. How she felt like she was a complete failure for letting something like this happen to her. After all, she was a cop; she knew how to defend herself. How come she hadn't been able to stop it? Why did she let him do this?

She stopped in her tracks when she saw her open closet door. Her dresses and skirts hung neatly in their place, separated from her work attire but still accessible on the off chance that she needed to dress things up a bit.

Like the night she was raped.

She'd worn her dark green dress with the open back and fitted waist, she'd even bought the matching shoes because she just couldn't pass it up after seeing herself in the fitting room mirror. It had been a bit pricier than she had wanted but she'd figured that she should splurge. Why not play up her attributes?

Was that what had attracted him to her? Had she just been too tempting of a piece to pass up? She'd been wearing a dress and heels, easy access for him to have his way with her. And even more difficult for her to fight back. If she had been wearing sensible shoes and jeans, she might have had a chance. She might have been able to fight him off. He wouldn't have been able to get jeans off so easily.

She might have been saved.

A loud cry escaped her throat and Lisbon threw herself at her closet. She ripped down one dress, the dark red one she had loved, and tossed it to the floor. She tore off the next one, the black evening gown she had worn to the fundraiser event two years before. Lisbon began tearing them all away. Her white sundress she wore to feel fun and casual. Her little black dress that every woman needed. The bridesmaid gown she wore to James's wedding. Every single dress was dumped into the growing pile on the floor.

Her skirts too, after all they caused the same problems. The short skirts she wore in the summer, the longer ones she wore to church. Denim and black and beige, none were spared. Her closet was now a mess of hangers that were broken and scattered around the floor. She didn't care; she just kept ripping down her clothes.

"What the hell is going on?"

Tommy stood in the doorway watching her tear at her closet like a mad woman. A fitting description, she was feeling like one. "I want it all gone," she declared, not even looking at him.

"What?"

"My dresses, skirts, heeled shoes, all of it."

He blinked a few times, confused and stunned. "Why?"

"Because this _stuff_!" She threw one shoe down onto the pile hard; it bounced a couple of times before resting near Tommy's feet. "_This_ is what started it! I was dressed up, I wanted to look nice, and he just couldn't help himself. I'm not going to look like that again. I will _not_ play his whore!"

Tommy's mouth dropped open at her words. It took him a moment to snap out of it. "No! Reese, no! That's not true!"

"Yes it is!" she shouted back and threw another skirt onto the pile, the fabric torn badly from where she'd ripped it from the hanger.

He rushed over to the pile and began to gather up her clothes, even as she threw down more. "You can't do this, Reese, you can't just throw away half of your clothes because of what this guy did to you."

"He raped me, Tommy," Lisbon reminded him. "And this is what allowed him to do it." She threw down a sundress in disgust. "I couldn't run, I couldn't fight. Hell, I really did ask for it!"

"No." Tommy exclaimed, shock and anger colored his voice. "No, you can't think like that."

"Why not? It's what everyone else thinks, it has to be true."

"Stop this, Teresa! Stop it now!"

But she didn't, she began chucking her shoes at the pile. She wanted everything that symbolized what happened to her to be out of her life forever. Tommy couldn't let this happen any longer, he couldn't let her keep saying these horrifying things.

"You have to stop this," he said through gritted teeth before finally taking charge. He grabbed her roughly, putting both hands on her arms to physically haul her away from her closet.

But that was the worst thing he could have done.

When Lisbon felt the two hands grab her from behind she immediately panicked. The memory of that night flashed through her mind. _He_ had come up from behind her. _He_ had pinned her arms down to her sides. _He_ had dragged her into that alley and violated her.

Her survival instinct kicked in and overruled any rational thought. This wasn't her brother that was trying to help her. He was her attacker now.

Lisbon kicked behind her, slamming her foot into his knee. When he doubled over in pain she brought her arm around to hit him across the face and push him away from her. With a groan he fell to the floor, near her now ripped white dress and black-heeled shoes.

But then she saw who she had just fought off.

Tommy. Her younger brother.

His lip was split and bleeding from where she had hit him. He was holding onto the knee she'd kicked and no doubt his head hurt from where he'd smacked it on the floor.

She'd attacked her brother. Oh God.

A small cry escaped her lips and Lisbon bolted from the room and into her private bathroom. She locked the door behind her, an instinct to protect herself.

"Reese?" She heard Tommy calling out for her. His footsteps grew louder and he tried to turn the knob before resorting to banging on the door. "Reese? It's okay, just come out of there."

No, she couldn't.

She grabbed the hand towel off of the rack and covered her face with it so it muffled her sobs. She'd mistaken her brother for her rapist. What was wrong with her? Was she really losing her mind? How could she do that? Tommy was her _brother_!

But she had. She hadn't felt Tommy's hands trying to protect her. No, she had felt _his_ hands as he had beat her, as he'd torn open her dress and then explored her body with his greedy cruel touch. That man had covered her body with his, running his tongue over her cheek and biting her shoulder. It was disgusting.

And so was she.

She needed to be clean again. She needed to get his sweat and saliva off of her.

Lisbon turned on the faucet to the tub, letting the water slowly fill up the large basin. She continued to cry quietly into the towel for several minutes until the water was high up the sides of her bathtub.

Then she stepped in and submerged herself into the water.

* * *

><p>It was so silent in the bullpen that the buzz of a fly would be deafening. Jane was sitting on his sofa and the others were all at their desks staring at the same thing: Director Bertram making a very passionate phone call. Wainwright stood behind Cho, leaning up against the table the team usually used to spread out pizza boxes on long nights.<p>

If looks could kill, Bertram would be dead five times over. He had not an ounce of sympathy from anyone in the room.

"Damn," Bertram muttered and hung up his cell-phone. He turned around and found five pairs of eyes all rigidly set on him, but showed no intimidation. Jane knew he cared about his own problems more.

"Do you have any idea how bad this is?" He chose to send the question to Wainwright.

"The words 'unmitigated disaster' come to mind."

"That is a fair assessment," Bertram said with a nod, "The press was already having a field day with this. It's only going to get worse now."

Jane nodded from his couch. "Yes, if only someone had warned you." A bitter smile crossed his face. "Oh wait."

"I had no way of knowing she was so hysterical."

"You could have asked about her," Rigsby murmured to his desk, earning a black look from Bertram.

Wainwright held up a hand as if to call a timeout. "She is on medical leave for the next six weeks, hopefully it will all die out by then."

"Maybe her leave should be longer."

That grabbed everyone's attention, but it was Wainwright who cocked his head and crossed his arms. "How much longer?"

"Longer," is all Bertram said, but that one word held more than enough meaning.

Whatever shred of control Jane had against his growing anger and hatred towards this man just vanished like smoke from a smoldering match. "You want to fire her?" Jane's voice was bitter and icy cold. "You want to fire a rape victim?" He let out a mirthless chuckle. "Well that will be great for the CBI's image."

"We can't wait around for Lisbon to recover," Bertram said, "The CBI has a responsibility to the citizens of California."

Jane shook his head. "I don't care about the Bureau, I care about it's people, something you should consider."

"You've said quite enough."

"Maybe if you listened to me then I could stop." Jane pointed to himself. "I told you, I told you she wasn't ready. If there is one thing you can trust me on is that I will do anything to protect her."

Bertram nodded, "Yes, I can believe that. But I did this for her, for this Bureau."

Jane smiled bitterly. "Bravo."

"I'm only trying to think about what is best for Agent Lisbon." Bertram kept his head held high, even though what little defense he had was rapidly deteriorating.

"No," Jane said, leaping to his feet in one quick motion, "_We_ are thinking about Lisbon, _you_ are only thinking about yourself!"

Bertram's face flushed bright red. "Patrick Jane, you are out of line."

"Yes he is," Wainwright spoke up, "But so was that press conference."

Bertram and the others all turned their gazes to him in rapt attention. "If you have something to say, Agent Wainwright, then out with it."

Wainwright straightened to his full height and uncrossed his arms. "Agent Lisbon is under my command and you went to her for this favor without consulting me. From now on, I will decide if she is ready for the press. She is my responsibility, not yours."

"Is that all you have to say?" Bertram asked.

"No, Jane is right." He nodded towards him. "This has already caused enough damage. The best course of action is to tell the press that we will monitor her recovery and are confident that she will return to work soon. To that end, the CBI will hire the best therapist this city can offer her." He smiled a little. "No expense to her, of course. After all, the CBI _is_ like a family, is it not?"

Jane didn't hide his appreciation on his face. One glance around the room told Bertram that he was surrounded by hostiles with no allies in sight. The only course of action was to retreat. "Of course," he said with a nod, "I'll see it done."

"We all appreciate that."

Bertram glanced back at Jane; exchanging challenging looks one more time, and then turned around to find sanctuary in his office.

All five remaining occupants in the room watched him leave, glaring daggers into his back. Finally Wainwright sighed heavily and turned back to Lisbon's team. "Agent Cho, you will be in charge of the Major Crimes Unit but this is only a temporary position until Agent Lisbon is fit to return to duty. I know you will do the job with pride."

Cho nodded. "Yes sir."

But he leveled his gaze with all of them. "I know this has been a very difficult time for all of you, even without the events of today. But I need you to put aside those feelings and continue to conduct yourselves as professionals. I'm not saying to forget about what happened…but we have to continue on."

It was a small pep talk that did little good but it did acknowledge their own pain that the past week had put them through. "We understand, sir." Cho replied for all of them. It was the truth.

Wainwright nodded. "Thank you, all of you. There are some things that I have to take care of so I'll leave you alone." But his eyes caught Jane's. "Jane, can I see you for a moment?"

Jane didn't say anything but quietly followed Wainwright out of the bullpen. He was not concerned about his outburst towards Bertram, he wouldn't regret dishing back what the buffoon had so obviously deserved. It was also clear that Wainwright was firmly on Jane's side.

The two men faced each other alone in Wainwright's office. "I'm going to be honest with you Jane, I'm not well equipped to handle a situation like this." He met Jane's eyes once more. "I know you don't trust the Director but I want you to know that all I want is what is best for Lisbon."

"I know," Jane replied simply.

"The press conference was a disaster, not just for the CBI but for Lisbon. It is obvious that she is traumatized by what has happened…I think it is important that she be around people she trusts, people who care about her."

Jane began to see where Wainwright was going; it was a bit of light in this terrible time of darkness.

"I know you and Lisbon have a bond, you two trust each other implicitly, to her detriment in some cases," Wainwright explained, "and from what I can gather…you might be the one who can reach out to her the most right now. I know I don't have to ask you this, but I want you to keep an eye out on her, keep me informed about how she is doing and what can be done to make this easier on her."

Jane nodded slowly but didn't smile. Instead he simply said, "Thank you," with all the gratitude he had.

Nothing more had to be said. Jane knew he had Wainwright's support. Which is why he had no qualms about leaving immediately to try and control the damage that this day had done to Lisbon's soul.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Worry didn't cover how Jane was feeling. He'd only seen Lisbon flip out like that once before but this time it wasn't a part of a plan to prove her innocence. This time she really was breaking down from the pressure and pain. He had to make sure she was all right, or at least as close to all right as she could be now.

He hit her name on his speed dial and waited for her to answer. Jane was standing by his car ready to jump into it if things were as bad as he feared them to be. It took several rings before the phone was finally answered, but it wasn't Lisbon's voice he heard.

"Tommy?" Jane said immediately after he heard the man's frantic voice.

"Yeah it's me."

"Is something wrong?" He needed to ask even though he already knew the answer.

"She just came home and…I don't know what happened but now…I don't know what to do."

Yes, things were definitely bad.

"I'll be right over." Jane told him and quickly hung up. He didn't know how Tommy would react to him taking over this situation with Lisbon but the truth was that currently he was the only one Lisbon was somewhat comfortable with. If anyone was going to succeed in calming her down than it would be Jane.

When he finally did make it to Lisbon's apartment he was surprised by Tommy's appearance, the swollen lip indicated that things might be even worse than he had realized.

"What the hell happened?" Tommy asked as soon as he opened the door, letting Jane inside. "I mean this morning she didn't even want to get out of bed but then when she got back." He shook his head, "she was freaking out!"

Jane nodded slowly, trying to keep himself and Tommy calm. "Bertram made her do a press conference, he tried to touch her and…well you know how she feels about that now."

Tommy's face fell. "Oh God."

He waited for Tommy to process the information before asking a question of his own. "What happened to you?"

Tommy looked down sheepishly. "I went upstairs and found Teresa throwing out her clothes. She was hysterical, it was like she was possessed or something…and I screwed up." Tommy admitted slowly, "I wanted to stop her and I grabbed her. She kicked the shit out of me pretty good and now she's locked herself in her bathroom."

"She's still in there?"

Tommy nodded, "For over an hour now."

Jane didn't wait another second; he headed straight for the stairs. When he walked into Lisbon's bedroom he saw that Tommy hadn't been exaggerating, a large pile of dresses, skirts and shoes covered the floor. Several of the dresses were torn from where she had ripped them off their hangers.

Her brother said she didn't want to get out of bed that morning. Now she was in a frantic state, panicking and mistaking her brother for her attacker. This ordeal really was destroying her.

Her private bathroom door was shut. Jane walked over to it and knocked. "Lisbon," he said. "It's Jane. Remember me? Tall, blonde, bane of your existence." He was trying to use levity to relax her.

"Go away, Jane."

He felt immediate relief when he heard her voice. She sounded terrible: angry, upset and tearful. But she had spoken. Jane didn't believe that Lisbon would hurt herself, but when she was in this manic state he honestly couldn't be sure of what she would do.

"Lisbon," he tried again, "Why don't you let me in so we can talk?"

"Please just go."

Jane sighed and stepped away from the door, turning to look at Tommy. "Don't tell me you're going to let this go," Tommy said quickly.

"No," he replied, "we have to get inside."

Tommy nodded, "All right, stand back and I'll break down the door."

It almost made Jane smile. Tommy Lisbon wanted so badly to be as tough as his older sister but he doubted that Tommy knew the technique to kicking down a door. Besides, startling her like that would probably only exasperate the situation even more. But Tommy was thinking like the brother he was.

"There is a simpler solution," Jane offered and pulled out the pick he kept with him whenever he needed to pick a lock. He was ready to do just that but considered something else.

Lisbon had locked herself in her bathroom as a result of her striking her brother. She was also uncomfortable being touched by any other man save for Jane.

"This might go better if I go in there alone," Jane said seriously.

Tommy's eyes widened at his words and then he shook his head, "No, she's _my_ sister, I'm the one whose going to take care of her."

"Yes," Jane agreed, "but that is part of the problem. She is upset by what happened earlier, if you go in there now…it might make things worse." Tommy didn't look certain but he didn't protest again either. "Can we please do this my way?"

He considered Jane's suggestion for a few minutes. His gaze shifted from the pile of clothing on the floor, to the door to the room where his sister had barricaded herself and then to Jane. Finally Tommy nodded his head, "All right…just get her out of there okay?"

"I will," Jane promised. He meant it too.

Jane waited until Tommy walked out of the room before turning to the task at hand. He removed his suit jacket and placed it on the bed, he had a feeling it would get in the way if Lisbon protested his intrusion. The lock was pitiful; the hardest part was setting the pick into the small hole on the knob. It only took a second for the lock to give way and Jane was able to open the door.

The first thing Jane saw was the mirror of her bathroom, completely covered in newspaper. It wasn't surprising, but it was painful to see that she was degraded to the state of not even wanting to look at herself. It proved that this really was destroying her confidence.

The bathroom floor was covered with water, the mat on the floor being completely drenched. The source was obvious, Lisbon's deep bathtub was filled to the rim, even now the water was sloshing dangerously close to the sides.

He stepped over to see Lisbon, fully clothed and completely submerged under the water, her dark hair fanning out around her. It was a horrible image and for a moment, Jane felt a wave of panic surge through him

But then Lisbon surfaced, water spilling onto the floor again. She brushed her wet hair out of her face and wiped the water from her eyes. That was when she saw Jane standing in the middle of her bathroom. The only reaction that betrayed her surprise was the widening of her eyes. Then she sank back down into the tub, keeping her head and arms out of the water.

"I don't want to talk," she declared simply.

"That's fine," Jane said and took a seat on her toilet so he was facing her, "You don't have to say anything."

For a few minutes they didn't. She stayed in the tub, a pitiful and vulnerable sight with her crouched down like a child in the water. But Jane kept his eyes on her; he knew that if he waited a moment then she would come around.

Lisbon looked down at her hands that were pruned from the water. Her voice was soft and dead when she spoke, "I hit him."

"He's fine," Jane assured her.

Lisbon stared ahead at the tiled wall before her and shook her head. "I never did that, not once, not even when we were kids." Her lips trembled, either from the chilly water or the emotions she was going through or both.

"Tommy understands," Jane told her, "He's just worried about you."

"He touched me and I snapped…I thought it was _him_…but it wasn't. It was my brother." Tears spilled from her eyes and down her cheeks. Finally she met his eyes, she looked ashamed and terrified. "I'm going crazy aren't I?"

Jane shook his head, "No. I've been there and you are far from it."

"I yelled at my boss because he tried to hug me," Lisbon reminded him, "In front of the press. I was supposed to be helping the Bureau but now…Bertram is upset isn't he?"

"Bertram is an ass."

Her lips twitched upwards just a little. "Did you really just call the director an ass?"

Jane did smile, "It's the truth. He's a narcissistic fool who cares more about the bottom line and saving his own neck."

She couldn't argue with that. "Doesn't matter," she explained, "I made him look bad. He's going to fire me."

"No he's not," Jane told her. He decided to leave out the fact that Bertram had wanted to do just that. "He knows that no one would support that, you're too good of a cop."

"Right," Lisbon said but her voice said she didn't agree with his statement, "I'm such a good cop. So good that I can't even protect myself."

"Lisbon," he said gently, "It wasn't your fault." Jane leaned forward and covered her wet hand with his. Her skin was very cold to the touch; she needed to get out of the water. She didn't say anything, didn't meet his eyes. He knew she didn't believe him, that was why this was so hard for her, she felt like the real person to blame for her attack was herself. It was ludicrous but Jane was beginning to fear that Lisbon might never see the truth in that regard.

"Why did you decide to throw away your clothes?" he asked, he knew the answer but he wanted to get her talking again. He wanted to get her to see reason.

"I don't want to wear dresses anymore," Lisbon explained. "I can't protect myself in them."

"Throwing out half of your wardrobe seems a little extreme."

"You wear nothing but suits so why should I listen to you?"

He raised his eyebrows at her reply. It seemed like every time he criticized her irrational behavior she was quick to throw some of his own actions in his face. Like her desire to leave the hospital or now her choice to be consumed by her tragedy. Apparently she was following his own bad example.

But this wasn't the same thing. What happened to her was horrific but she wasn't to blame for any part of it. Still, it was hard for Jane to tell her otherwise without seeming like a hypocrite.

It was a good time to try and change the subject to a much more significant one. "All right, then why are you sitting in a bathtub full of cold water?"

She tensed up and folded her knees up to her chest, splashing the water a little. "When Tommy grabbed me…I don't know I felt like I was back in that alley. His body, his hands…everything and I just…I needed to get _him_ off of me."

It was an emotional response that Jane understood but it still horrified him. "Well I think you've done a thorough job, maybe you can get out now."

Lisbon shook her head and sank down further into the tub. "I don't want to. I feel _clean_ in here."

"You need to get out," he told her calmly, "you've been in there too long, the water is cold, you'll catch pneumonia." But she stared straight ahead at the wall again. He took a risk and reached over to gently tilt her head to look into his eyes. "Please Lisbon, do this…for me."

She was still for a long time, her eyes locked on his. Jane didn't know if his pleading would work, if not then he might have to physically lift her out of the tub. An experience he would prefer to avoid altogether.

Finally she nodded her head slowly and Jane smiled. He drew up his sleeve and released the plug in the tub, allowing the water to drain. He stood up and gently grasped her forearms to help her to her feet.

Lisbon shivered in the cool air until Jane wrapped a towel around her shoulders and led her out of the bathroom. "Get out of those clothes and into something dry."

He left her in her bedroom and quietly cleaned up her bathroom a bit, putting the sodden bathmat over the shower rod to dry and laying a couple of bath towels on the floor to soak up the water. He waited a few more minutes before peeking out. Lisbon had left her wet clothes on the floor and was now wearing a loose shirt and a pair of sweat pants. She was running the towel through her hair to get some of the water out.

She looked up at him when he walked out of the bathroom, chewing on her lip and glancing at the large pile of the clothing in the room. Jane decided that right now was a good time to ignore the mess; he wanted her to stay calm. "Why don't you try and get some rest."

Lisbon raised an eyebrow. He knew that she hadn't gotten a full night's sleep since the attack. "Humor me," he told her.

She looked at her bed and seemed to find the warm covers appealing but then looked down at the outfit she had been wearing that was now a wet mess of fabric. "My clothes…"

"Don't worry about that," Jane told her. He picked up his jacket from the bed and then her wet clothes. "Just lie down and relax."

Lisbon sat down on the bed but didn't recline yet, waiting until he left the room. She didn't say anything but did smile just a tiny bit, just enough to show her gratitude.

Jane left her alone in her bedroom and carried her soaked clothing down the stairs. Tommy was waiting at the foot of them with an expectant look on his face. "She's out of the bathroom and resting now," Jane assured him. Tommy let out sigh of relief and visibly relaxed. "These need to be dried," Jane gestured to the clothing in his hand.

Tommy didn't ask why her clothes were soaked, either he figured out as much or he didn't want to know. He simply took the clothes from Jane and walked over to the small closet by the kitchen that served as Lisbon's laundry area.

Jane sat down heavily on one of Lisbon's living room chairs. He ran his hands over his face and heaved a tired sigh. He felt exhausted and emotionally drained, this day had been terrible. He hoped that the worst of it was finally behind him.

He looked up when he heard Tommy's footsteps coming back towards him and found a beer being held out to him. "She doesn't have anything stronger," Tommy told him, a bottle for himself was in his other hand.

"Thank you," Jane said and graciously took the beer. Alcohol sounded like a pretty damn good idea right now.

They two men took a few swigs of beer in silence, awkwardly ignoring the elephant in the room. Tommy fiddled with the label on his bottle, watching as his fingers tore at the edges of it. "Thanks…I was kind of out of ideas."

"I'm happy to help."

Tommy still stared at his bottle, not meeting Jane's eyes. "I don't know what I'm doing," he admitted, "She doesn't sleep, barely eats anything. I'm trying to help…but I don't know _how_." He looked up now, "How do you do it?"

Jane shook his head, "I don't know what I'm doing either, I'm honestly making this up as I go along."

"It's working."

"I don't know about that," he told him, "Lisbon…she's still hurt, I don't know how much good I'm really doing."

Tommy was silent for a moment. He stared at the stairwell that led to his sister's bedroom where Lisbon was quietly resting. He shook his head. "That's not my sister up there. My sister was a strong person who took care of us when things were really _bad_. She held everything together when our dad was a mess. She ran track in high school to get a scholarship for college and did it all on her own.

"My sister was a brave confident person who never took a wrong step, who always did everything right." Tommy covered his eyes with one hand and his chest heaved with anger and pain. "That bastard took her away and now…now she's a complete stranger to me."

Jane was quiet while Tommy vented over everything. It was a hard thing to say that he certainly didn't want his sister to hear. But Tommy needed to let it out. "She'll get through this," Jane told him softly.

Tommy met Jane's eyes with a cold intensity to them. "Could you do me a favor? When you find the son of a bitch, just give me five minutes alone with him. That's all I need."

He knew Tommy didn't really mean it. His anger was real and justified but he didn't actually have it in him to kill someone, no matter how much he desperately wanted to. But Jane agreed with the sentiment.

And he knew he could do it.

* * *

><p>AN: All right, who else needs a really stiff drink right now? Poor Lisbon has really fallen far hasn't she? Believe it or not that is NOT rock bottom, but that won't happen for a little while yet. And Jane is having some very dark thoughts in regards to Lisbon's rapist...hmmmm.

Be on the look out for the next chapter when the team plus Tommy begin to realize that Jane is the exception to Lisbon's haphephobia and their reactions might all not necessarily be happy.

So what did you think? Please review, we love them more than cookies and cake!


	6. Touch

Disclaimer: We own absolutely nothing, we just like to play with these characters sometimes

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Sorry about the wait, but it wasn't as long this time right? School gets in the way sometimes but here it is. This is a bit of a filler but it also has a great scene with Jane and Lisbon. Next chapter things start to get juicy again. Cross my heart.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Yes, school was quite as trouble some this time, still gets in the way though. Anyways, more angst coming up with that light at the end of the tunnel still far ahead. However, there is light and it will be reached it will just take a while. Hang in there guys and enjoy the show.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Anonymous:** Yes after a week, people start getting anxious. Sorry for the wait but we hope this makes up for it.

**Ana:** Well hello back from America! Here's the update now, We hope you like it. So glad you enjoy this story.

**Lakritze: **Yes we do have to hit those low points and Lisbon is going to continue to sink further, like we said, she hasn't hit rock bottom yet. Don't worry, her journey back up is going to be very sweet.

**Anna:** Yes it's an update LOL More Jisbon moments on the way, wait until next chapter where you'll get a lot more hehehe

**Anon:** It's never too soon to ask, but unfortunately we never seem to update soon enough LOL, damn school.

**mmm: **Hmmm Lisbon and Jane sleeping "near" each other, well that might happen sooner than you think ;-) Yep you'll see the whole team and Tommy's reaction to Jane being able to touch Lisbon, we hope it's everything you thought it would be. And hey! It hasn't been a month, more like 2 weeks but that's better right?

**123TellMeYouLoveMe:** WOW you really liked last chapter didn't you? The scene in the bathroom was very important, we wanted her to still have her clothes on to emphasis how vulnerable she really is now, nothing sensual about it as you could tell. Jane and Lisbon are blind about their feelings...but also not so much, they both know that the reason Jane can touch her is a lot more than just that he was the one to find her...they just aren't really ready to talk about it. Tin did the press conference but we did a lot of collaboration on that scene. WE realized that we wanted a big public blowout and Bertram is just a big enough jerk to make her do something like that, her going from numb to hysterics and then laughter is to show just how much she has lost control over her emotions. The scene with Tommy was important, it is to show just how unhinged she really is now if she actually hit her own brother. You'll see more as the story progresses that a lot of Lisbon's emotional turmoil also stems from her father's abuse, you'll even get a hint of that in this chapter too. As for Lisbon dishing out some venom to Jane...you haven't seen nothing yet. As Lisbon begins to spiral down even further she'll lash out at Jane more, especially when she sees his actions as hypocritical. Jane is going to be essential to Lisbon's recovery, you'll see.

**SoDamnEMotional: **Sorry about the tears, but maybe you'll be a little happier with this chapter...maybe. It's still kinda dark.

One last thing. We got 30 reviews for the last chapter alone! WOW! You guys ROCK!

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><p>Chapter 6: Touch<p>

The body was discovered in Calusa, a fifteen-minute drive from Sacramento. The call had come in earlier that morning so the four members of the team showed up at the crime scene in their respective vehicles. The morning was overcast, a shield of grey clouds threatened to unleash their fury but so far held back.

Cho was the first one of them to make it to the scene but they all showed up one by one and tried to ignore that specter that was hanging over them. For his part, Jane did what he could to pretend that they all weren't thinking the same thing.

"Body was found this morning by an jogger," Cho explained as soon as the team stepped up to the scene, "I.D. says he's Jason Mills, twenty three, cash and credit cards are missing."

Rigsby's eyebrows quirked up at that statement. "Could be a robbery gone wrong."

Jane was silent as he looked over the scene, studying the dead body in front of him and the surrounding area where he lay. The dark red blood had dried into the white t-shirt, seeping from the two gunshot wounds on his chest. His skin was pale and mottled, a sight he had grown relatively used to over the years of working such scenes. But his interest was more on the victim's appearance, the clothing, the way he was positioned on the ground. Those were the revealing clues.

"Jane?" Cho asked, regaining the man's attention.

He looked up. "It's not a robbery."

"They took his credit cards," Rigsby reminded him.

"And left behind a two-hundred dollar watch," Jane pointed to the watch peeking out from the sleeve of the victims jacket. "He was left here, it's messy, close to the path, suggests someone panicking and in a hurry. A bad cover up."

Cho nodded, accepting Jane's observations quickly. "We'll have to talk to his family, see if he's had any problems with anyone recently."

It was the standard way to start an investigation. They were all doing what they would normally do but there was an obvious difference in the team. It was heard in their voice, seen in the dead look in their eyes, they were all doing what they were supposed to do but the truth was their heart wasn't in it. They all felt like a piece of the unit was missing.

Dr. Wallace knelt down next to the body and began her initial examination. "Two small caliber gunshots to the chest, can't tell you the exact caliber until I get him back to autopsy."

She rearranged the victim's arms, which caused Jane to catch a glimpse of the victim's open palm. "What's that on his hand?" he asked and pointed to what had caught his eye.

Wallace carefully opened up the victim's fingers with her gloved hands and revealed faded ink. "Looks like a phone number."

"The ink isn't faded beyond readability, he wrote that on his hand in the last day or so," Jane pointed out.

"I'll get Van Pelt to run it down," Rigsby declared and pulled out his cell phone to do just that.

Wallace continued her examination but looked up to meet Cho's eyes. "How is Agent Lisbon?"

And there was the name they had all tried to avoid.

They had needed no reminder that their team leader was absent on this case, it was felt with every breath they took. Unfortunately, her very public outburst at the ill-advised press conference was still making the rounds. The press had done their job, spreading the video and pictures like wildfire. Now everyone looked towards Lisbon's team, questions on the tip of their tongues.

At least Wallace was obviously coming from a place of compassion and not gossip.

"She's getting some help," Cho told her calmly before turning away.

Jane looked away himself, holding everything else in. He hadn't told anyone else about what occurred in Lisbon's home immediately following the press conference. He hadn't wanted to burden the rest of the team with more fears of their boss's mental health. They already knew she was breaking. He didn't want them to know just how badly the fractures were.

* * *

><p>Lisbon knew she was going crazy. She was so tired from not sleeping and trying to put on a show for Tommy that she was fine. She wasn't fine. How could she be fine? A part of her wanted to just curl up into the dark and never see anyone again, another part of her just wanted to stand in the middle of a crowded room and shout that she wasn't some object to be pitied. That just because a man raped her didn't mean he'd destroyed her.<p>

But she had a hard time getting herself to believe that last point.

Someone who wasn't shattered wouldn't have all of her mirrors covered or removed. Someone who wasn't losing their mind wouldn't check her locks every ten minutes to make sure she was safe. They wouldn't shower three times a day to make sure they were clean. They wouldn't wake up every night screaming and crying. She wasn't fine; she had a feeling that she would never be fine again.

Tommy knew that too.

It's why he hadn't left yet, why he kept trying to get her eat or sleep or talk about something, anything. She'd heard him talking on the phone with her brothers; she knew that he was afraid for her.

_"She has nightmares every night and doesn't eat anything…No she still won't let me touch her. No the last time I tried she locked herself in the bathroom for two hours… She won't, she doesn't talk about anything. I don't know what to do."_

It was all the same. The pity, the pain, the loss for words. No one knew what to say or how to act around her anymore. Not her team who came by every day in a faux attempt to keep her appraised over what was going on at the CBI, she knew they really just wanted to check up on her. Not her brother who was trying desperately to make things easier for her but was still trying to save the sister that didn't exist anymore. Not the nurses at the hospital who had plastered on fake smiles and tried to assure her that everything would be fine.

Or they had called her Lavinia.

The name struck her again. That busybody nurse had called her Lavinia. Jane said that it was a character from a Shakespeare play, _Titus Andronicus. _A bloody tragedy about revenge. And rape.

Lavinia was raped too.

Jane hadn't told her much; she could tell that he was keeping a lot from her. What else happened in the play? What really happened to Lavinia? Lisbon had to know, she needed to find out. If no one in her world could understand what she was feeling than perhaps a fictional character would.

Lisbon decided on a plan of action quickly. Grabbing her purse and her car keys and the necessary sunglasses before heading downstairs. Tommy protested her leaving, then offered to drive her himself but she refused. She needed to get away, needed to do this alone.

She considered going to the public library but she'd never had the need to go there before, besides she didn't have a library card anyways. Instead she went to her favorite bookstore. She checked her appearance in the rearview mirror; the large sunglasses hid the bruises on her face and around her eyes fairly well. Her clothing had been chosen specifically to hide the injuries on her body; the large sleeves of the sweatshirt even hid her cast except for the part that was at her hand. As long as she kept her glasses on than no one would have any reason to notice her.

That fact didn't stop her from feeling like every eye was on her the minute that stepped through the door. She couldn't shake the idea that people could see she had been raped just by looking at her, as if there was a sign printed on her forehead that declared her shame to the world. Lisbon kept her head down and headed straight for the classics.

Practically a whole case was devoted to Shakespeare, it wasn't a surprise; the bard was still a major topic in almost every literary circle. It didn't take Lisbon long to find the play she was searching for.

_Titus Andronicus_ was tucked away behind a copy of _Romeo and Juliet _and _The Tempest_. Lisbon selected the small volume and began to flip through it. She didn't have Jane's gift for knowledge, it took her a few reads and ample help from the cliff notes to completely understand exactly what the characters were saying.

She scanned the pages for any mention of Lavinia but things didn't start to become relevant until the second act. That was when the mention of Philomela and Lucrece first appeared. The cliff notes said that Philomela came from Greek mythology and Lucrece was from Roman myth. The circumstances were different as Philomela was eventually turned into a nightingale and Lucrece committed suicide. But they did have one thing in common.

They had both been raped.

With the help of one of the floor clerks Lisbon eventually bought a copy of _Titus Andronicus, The Rape of Lucrece,_ and Ovid's _Metamorphisis._

When she finally returned home she avoided telling Tommy anything about her purchases but escaped to her bedroom as soon as possible. Now she could devote her time to fully exploring these three characters.

But Lisbon found herself especially drawn to Lavinia. Act I of the play had little to do with her beyond her turning down the marriage to the new emperor and instead fleeing to marry the man she really loved, the emperor's brother. That was sweet but Lisbon knew that this play wasn't going to have a happy ending.

Act II began with dread. Tamora's sons squabbled over their lust for Lavinia with Aaron giving them the idea that they should rape her. _"There serve your lust, shadowed from heaven's eye / And revel in Lavinia's treasury"_

Did her rapist plan it too? Had he been wrestling with feelings of darkness and lust and searched for the perfect opportunity to satisfy it? The thought made Lisbon feel sick but she was determined to keep reading.

The third scene of the second act was where the horror for Lavinia began. After watching her husband being killed by Chiron and Demetrius she was told what their plans for her were. She begged Tamora for mercy, to kill her rather than allow her sons to rape her. _"O, keep me from their worse-than-killing lust, / And tumble me into some loathsome pit / Where never man's eye may behold my body."_

Worse-than-killing lust. Lisbon thought that was a perfect description. She had that same feeling, that same terrible thought that it would have been nicer to have died rather than live, she wouldn't have been tormented at least. She hated thinking it…but couldn't stop it either.

But Tamora didn't care for Lavinia's pleas and Lavina was literally dragged away to be raped. Lisbon knew that feeling as well. For a moment she closed her eyes and quietly relived that moment when her attacker had her arms pinned to her side and his hand buried in her hair, dragging her away towards the alley where he could take his time with her.

Lisbon felt her body start to shake and she took in a few deep breaths. The moments that occurred after she had been dragged away from the window threatened to make an appearance but she refused to deal with that now. There was still more to read.

The next scene featured Lavinia again but Lisbon wasn't entirely prepared for what had happened. Chiron and Demetrius hadn't been content with just raping Lavinia. No, they had also cut off her hands and tongue to keep her from ever telling anyone who had done it.

She'd been mutilated.

Lisbon gaped at the text in horror but couldn't stop herself from reading Chiron and Demetrius's taunts to Lavinia who was unable to protest anything anymore. All she could do was stand silently and no doubt cry.

Oh God, no adjective could describe that torment.

She had been raped and beaten, her wrist broken and her blood spilt but her physical wounds could heal. She could still speak even if she didn't want to. But like Lavinia, she too couldn't identify her rapist. Not from any physical impediment but the simple fact that she had no idea who had committed the crime.

In this instance, both of them were silent.

Eventually Chiron and Demetrius stopped their taunts and left. Then Lavinia's uncle, Marcus, found her. His long monologue was poignant as he slowly recognized what happened to his niece. Finally he ushered her away with the words _"Come, let us go make your father blind."_

Lisbon reread Marcus's monologue several times, trying to fully capture what was written on the page. But she couldn't stop herself from thinking about something else. How like Lavinia, someone had found her after the act.

Jane.

It was still a blur but she could distinctly remember his voice, the warmth of his body and comfort of his arms holding her close to him. He'd whispered soothing words to her, little lies that made her feel calm and at peace. But most of all it had been the smell of his skin and cologne and that indescribable scent that was just Jane. The same scent that had started her heart racing on the dance floor had also made her realize that she was safe.

She quietly put the books aside, not wishing to relive anymore of her experiences. She knew now that she had been right, she did feel a real connection with these characters but she didn't want to face that right now.

Instead Lisbon curled up, hugging her pillow close and shut her eyes. She pretended that she was in Jane's arms again, letting the smell of him envelope her completely. This was what made her feel safe and secure, like she wasn't falling apart. Only this.

Only Jane.

* * *

><p>The new case worked as a distraction for Lisbon's team, but they all knew it was only a temporary relief. The phone calls, searches, records only served to numb the reminder that Lisbon's case was still unsolved. But they did have a job to do.<p>

Rigsby and Cho still did field work. Grace still checked on back accounts, records and every other computer program she had available to find leads. Jane still did his tricks, flying by the seat of his pants in his way that always produced results.

The only thing missing was Lisbon.

No one begrudged Cho his temporary promotion, but not even he liked it.

The bullpen was quiet when he walked in. Rigsby and Van Pelt were its only occupants, Jane hadn't even left any bread crumbs behind. Not a surprise, but there was always a reason Lisbon had felt uneasy when Jane pulled a disappearing act.

"Anything?" he asked to the team.

"Still going through his contacts," Rigsby said.

"I'm running a program on his hard drive," Van Pelt said, "Nothing yet."

Cho nodded. "Where's Jane?"

Rigsby and Van Pelt looked at one another and then he shrugged. "You know him. He'll call when he has something."

"Right." Still, it didn't sit well being kept in the dark. Lisbon had always managed to figure out where Jane was. Those two had a bond. Of all the people in the world, Jane trusted her the most. Cho knew Jane wouldn't hold this against him, but he couldn't help but regret it himself. All of them wanted Lisbon back.

When he sat down at his desk he could see the blinds to Lisbon's office were closed and dark. She hadn't been in there since the press conference and no one dared to touch it. He noticed that Rigsby looked towards the vacant office as well. A few seconds later, Van Pelt was peaking over her shoulder. How long would this go on, all of them unable to ignore the empty place in their team?

They all looked away at the same moment and wound up colliding their gazes together, sheepishly looking down when they realized they all shared the same thoughts. It was Van Pelt who spoke first. "Do you think…she's doing…is she…?"

"Jane wouldn't have come in today if she wasn't," Cho answered for her. It didn't mean Lisbon was better, just slightly improved from her disaster at the press conference.

But that brought up the other thing: Jane. Or actually, Jane being able to touch Lisbon when she would allow no one else to. None of them had missed that. Also, none of them understood what it meant. It wasn't anything new, Jane knowing something and keeping them in the dark until he deemed it right, but this was about Lisbon. Now they were all burning for answers.

"Have you seen her or talked to her at all since…?" Van Pelt didn't have to finish. The press conference was imprinted permanently in their memories.

"No," Cho said.

"I didn't think she needed my company," Rigsby said, his words slow and full of meaning.

"But Jane has," Van Pelt stated. She looked down and spoke to the floor. "He's who she needs right now."

"Seems like it," Cho said.

"She let him touch her."

Cho nodded. The silence that fell was heavy, crushing almost. It was Rigsby who tried to soften it. "This is a good thing."

"I know," Van Pelt said, "But is it only him? Does this mean she's getting better?"

"Maybe," Rigsby said hopefully, "Maybe she's starting to trust people again."

Cho let out a sigh and shook his head. "You saw what happened with Bertram."

"Yeah, but that was Bertram," Van Pelt said, "She's never liked him. It's different with us. We're her team, she trusts us."

Rigsby nodded and pointed to her. "That's true, we've known her for a long time. She knows we'd never hurt her."

"You're right, she knows we won't hurt her," Cho agreed, but his voice lacked any cheer, "But I don't think she's over this."

"Well no, but this is a start," Van Pelt said.

"No, I mean I don't think she'd let us touch her like she let Jane."

Both of his teammates gave him matching frowns of confusion. Their eyes spoke of their concern, concern that he was right. That he was dashing their brief bit of hope. "You know them," he said, "You know there's always been some connection there. I don't think she's back to trusting anyone completely yet…except Jane. Just him."

They were silent after that. Rigsby propped his elbows up onto his desk and cradled his head in his hands. Meanwhile, Van Pelt twisted her fingers into knots on her lap. He hated destroying what little optimism they had, but they couldn't live in a fantasy world. Lisbon was hurt. She wasn't going to magically get better. Worse than that, they could do very little to help her.

"Why him?" Van Pelt asked.

"It doesn't matter," Cho said, "He can touch her, he can help her. Our job is to let him."

She nodded calmly. Rigsby looked up over his hands and met his eyes. "Do you think Jane knows all of this?"

"Why else would he be hiding right now?"

Jane wasn't a coward by any means, but he now had the responsibility of helping his boss and best friend heal from the worst kind of pain. Any one of them would be hiding right then. Not one of them could blame him.

They could only hope he could do it.

* * *

><p>Lisbon probably wouldn't have cooperated with Dr. Nancy Cargill even if she'd had a good day. She didn't really trust psychiatrists, she certainly didn't want to have to sit in a chair and talk about how she was feeling. For most of her life Lisbon had done everything she could to keep her feelings locked away from anyone else's eyes. Now she was supposed to be an open book.<p>

It didn't help that she was already humiliated. That morning she'd had to return to the hospital to make sure her injuries were healing properly. She'd been poked and prodded for a while as they had checked her stitches and her broken wrist. The worst part had been when she had to open her legs again for another exam. In the end Lisbon had just felt numb, like her private parts were just public property now, what was the point in trying to maintain any decorum of modesty?

After that terrible morning, the last thing she wanted to do was talk to a shrink.

Dr. Nancy Cargill was patient though; she quietly waited in the seat across from Lisbon with notebook and pen in hand.

Finally the silence did her in. "Aren't you going to ask me any questions?" Lisbon said.

Dr. Cargill smiled softly. "I thought that we would start by talking about what you wanted to focus on." Her British accent made her voice sound sweet and melodic.

"I don't want to focus on anything, I don't even want to be here."

"That is not an uncommon feeling in situations like this."

"Situations like what?" Lisbon asked, "Situations with cops or rape victims? Because I'm both, I bet that is a first for you."

She made a note on the pad in her hand. "You categorized your assault with your profession. Would you like to explain why you did that?"

"Not really," Lisbon admitted and looked away, out towards the window that looked over the street below.

"Would you be willing to talk about what happened to you?"

"You know what happened to me."

"Yes but I would like to hear it from you."

Lisbon turned back to the woman with fake apathy. "I was at a fundraiser. I was attacked. I was raped. There you heard it."

Dr. Cargill made another note on her pad and turned her attention back towards her patient. "You seem to be minimizing the effect your attack had on you."

"Well I just want to forget about it."

"You don't really believe that is possible."

"Is this how it is going to be?" Lisbon asked. "You telling me how I feel? You don't know how I feel, you can't understand."

Dr. Cargill nodded. "You're right. Which is why I'm asking you these questions, so I can learn more about your state of mind." Lisbon looked away, rolling her eyes a little bit. If the other woman noticed, she didn't mention it. "I get the feeling that you don't trust me."

Lisbon sighed and looked back at her. "It's not you…it's what you are. I don't like shrinks. The last one I was forced to talk to tried to frame me for murder."

She smiled a little. "Yes I suppose that would cause some form of mistrust." Dr. Cargill made a note on her pad again. "Have you been having any trouble sleeping?"

"Excuse me?"

"It is important to know what effects you have been enduring."

Lisbon looked away. "I'm fine." But even that sounded lame to her ears. "All right, I have a hard time sleeping."

"Why is that?"

"I have nightmares," she admitted, "every night."

She marked on the pad again. "Would you be willing to describe them?"

"No."

This time the doctor sighed. "That's all right. Why don't we move on to something else?

Lisbon was quiet for a moment as she tried to find a way to get out of this. "How long are we supposed to do this? How many sessions? Three? Four?"

"I'm afraid that there is no set number," she explained, "these sessions will continue as long as necessary and I cannot authorize you to go back to work until I feel you are ready."

"So basically I'm at your mercy."

"Teresa, I am trying to help you come to terms with what has happened."

"I don't need to come to terms with anything," Lisbon replied. "I don't need someone crawling around inside of my head and telling me what I am thinking. I already have a consultant who does that on a daily basis."

Dr. Cargill raised her eyebrows. "Who is this consultant?"

Lisbon hadn't been expecting that one. "Uh…oh just a friend, _colleague,_ of mine."

"Not both?"

She hesitated before finally admitting. "He is…but I don't want to talk about Jane." Lisbon looked around and then at her watch. "How long are these sessions supposed to last?"

"Normally one hour but if you are uncomfortable than you can leave early if you would like."

Lisbon was caught off guard. "Really?"

Dr. Cargill nodded. "I want you to feel at ease with me, Teresa. It will make our sessions together much smoother that way."

She didn't hesitated. Lisbon stood up immediately. "Okay then, well this has been lovely but I really should go."

She was halfway to the door when Dr. Cargill spoke. "Before you leave I would like to give you this." She tore off a piece of paper and handed it to Lisbon, "It's a prescription for Amitriptyline. It's to help you sleep at night."

Lisbon paused suddenly remembering a time four years ago when she had called up a shrink for Jane so he could get some sleeping pills. Of course it turned out to be an elaborate ruse that Jane had created to catch the killer. It just felt strange…now _she_ was the one who needed help.

When had she and Jane switched roles?

But she wanted to get out of there so she just grabbed the paper and left the office as quickly as possible.

Tommy was leaning up against her car with a dollar drink from a fast food chain and his phone in his hand. He looked up when he heard her footsteps. "You're done already?"

"Yeah," Lisbon told him. "It was great really. I think we made some real progress."

He nodded but he obviously didn't believe her. "That bad huh?"

She groaned and hauled herself into the passenger seat. Tommy was refusing to let her drive at the moment. "I really don't want to talk about it, especially since I spent the past thirty minutes _talking_."

He smiled and turned on the engine but then noticed the slip of paper in her hand. "What's that?"

Lisbon looked down at the paper and tried to think of a lie that would keep her from being so embarrassed. "It's nothing." Damn, Jane was right, she was a terrible liar. "Alright, it's a prescription she gave me for sleeping pills."

Tommy raised his eyebrows and then nodded his head. "Okay, we can stop by the pharmacy on the way home."

"What? No! I don't need sleeping pills!"

"Yes you do."

"No, I don't."

"What is the big deal?" He asked, clearly taken aback by her stubborn refusal on the matter. "It's just some pills that will help you sleep."

"I don't need help," Lisbon replied firmly.

"Are you kidding me?"

"I'm handling this fine."

"Reese," Tommy explained with a raised voice. "You spend all day looking over your shoulder, showering three or four times, and checking your locks. You spend half of the night watching crappy T.V. or staring at the ceiling. Then when you finally _do_ fall asleep, you wake up screaming. Then you go take another shower and go back downstairs until the sun finally rises so you can start the routine all over again."

He looked away and slammed one hand on the steering wheel. Lisbon looked down at her hands. She'd thought she'd been doing a good job keeping this from Tommy; apparently she'd failed miserably. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Tommy sighed. "Don't apologize. Just…just let me make sure that you can at least get some sleep."

Lisbon still looked down but she nodded weakly. "Okay."

He finally put the car in drive and pulled out of the parking lot. Lisbon kept her eyes out towards the window and tried to blink back the tears.

* * *

><p>As soon as she got home Lisbon shut herself up in her room again. She'd been doing a bit more than lying in her bed though, now she had several books to keep her company as she tried to truly sort out everything she was feeling. She didn't buy the idea that talking to some therapist was going to help her, no matter how nice she seemed. She couldn't explain it but she had this feeling that maybe the answers would lie in these characters, it didn't make sense and it was painful…but reading through their suffering…it made her feel like she wasn't alone.<p>

She had more than just her books though, she'd smuggled up her laptop as well. For hours before her therapy session she'd used her favorite search engine to look up these characters. First Lavinia, then Lucrece and Philomela. Each character led her in different directions. Lucrece's twisted story of sadness and rape didn't end with her suicide, but rather her death sparked the rise of the Roman republic. In fact, every major Roman event seemed to have started with rape, Romulus and Remus's mother was raped by the god Mars. The rape of the Sabine women led to the founding of Rome, and the rape of Virginius's daughter led to the creation of the Tribunes. In Rome, rape was a terrible shame for the father or the husband, not just for the woman, and the logical way to end that shame was to kill her.

Lisbon had moved on to Philomela after that, whose story was no less grotesque. Her sister's husband lusted after her, eventually tricking her into a secluded house and raping her. When she threatened to tell all, he cut out her tongue. So she weaved a tapestry to tell her sister, Procne, about what happened. Procne retaliated by killing her son and feeding him to her husband before fleeing with her sister. Like the Romans, the Greeks had an odd fascination with rape in their mythology. It was commonplace for the gods to rape or "ravish" the mortal women; there was some confusion with seduction and rape though. Abduction was common too such as Europa and Persephone.

In the end Lisbon was once again drawn to Lavinia. She looked up the play _Titus Andronicus_ and found a lot of writings about the play but mostly they were critical about the amount of violence and the graphic nature that occurred. She found some writings on Lavinia, but they were more about her role as the victim whose crime instigated the violence. How her silence and mutilation begets a horrifying image that stays on the stage.

But what caught her eye was the fact that a well-received film of the play had been released. _Titus_ with Anthony Hopkins, from the images it looked to be an odd melding of modernity with Shakespeare. While the bizarre nature of it wasn't something Lisbon was particularly keen on…she couldn't shake the desire to see Lavinia come to life.

So after her awful therapy session she went back upstairs and thanked God that she was living in the digital age of Amazon and Netflix where all it took to download almost any film was the push of a button.

The film unfolded on her computer screen. She sat back and watched, glancing at the text that was by now marked with her own highlights and notes. Lavinia remained largely silent in the opening act, even as the brothers quarreled for her hand and fled with Bassianus. As before, the real action didn't begin until the second act as Tamora's sons with the tutelage of Aaron, decided to rape Lavinia.

They fought and acted like children at first, but grew calmer and listened to Aaron's horrific advice. It was like watching evil take root and flourish in two dark souls as they giddily ran off to follow through with their plans.

Then the scene followed that Lisbon knew would be truly awful.

When Tamora and her sons circled Lavinia and Bassianus like predators stalking their prey, she could not help but feel their fear. It was and it only grew worse from there. As Bassianus lay dead, Chiron and Demetrius all but pounced on Lavinia as a cat would to a mouse, their greedy hands roughly caressing her body. It was so much like in her dreams, when loathsome touch left a trail of revulsion over her own skin.

Her pain only increased as Lavinia begged for mercy, her attackers tormented her further. Demetrius laved her hand with his tongue and Lisbon actually scrunched her eyes shut, she could still remember the way it felt to have him lick her cheek…like an animal. Then they literally cut away the buttons on her dress, baring her skin their gaze. When they dragged her away with her screaming Lisbon couldn't take it anymore. She shut her laptop quickly and did what she could to control her trembling.

In some ways it felt like she was watching her own rape. She knew those feelings, knew what it was like to have someone tear her clothes and "satisfy his lust" on her. She knew what it was like to be the prey. There was no need to imagine this…all she had to do was remember.

It took a while for Lisbon to gather up the courage to continue watching the film. The fallout from the murder of Bassianus and the framing of Titus's two sons. Lisbon watched, waiting for Lavinia to appear again.

And then she did.

She was balancing on a tree stump in only her white shift that was stained with her blood. Her hands were gone, replaced with branches, and the only sound she could now utter was a pitiful moan. Her rapists taunted her with cruel words, mocking her fate. Then she was alone.

What had she been thinking in those moments of loneliness? Had she been focused on shame and pity? Was she afraid? Lisbon thought back to that time when she had been left alone. It was all a blur, a blur of lights and blackness. They said she'd been in shock. Maybe Lavinia was as well.

Marcus found her soon though. He somberly walked towards his niece in disbelief, urging her to speak, to tell him who did this to her. Then Lavinia opened her mouth and blood poured out in a gruesome answer. Her uncle's look of shock and horror reminded Lisbon of the one image that remained vivid in her mind.

Jane's face, that same mixture of shock and horror when he found her in the parking lot. She remembered hating that look, feeling ashamed that he was seeing her like that. That shame had never left, she still hated that he was seeing her now, in this pathetic state.

And like herself, Lavinia was carried away in a gentle embrace. Her uncle cradled her in his arms to safety. Jane had done that too. Maybe Lavinia felt that same comfort, that same safety in her uncle's arms. Maybe it was the one purely good moment that she could cling to in all of that, maybe Lavinia tried to hold on to that feeling. But Lisbon knew well that the feeling did not last long.

The film continued until Lavinia managed a feat that Lisbon had not…she identified her attackers. It was a powerful scene where she managed to scratch out in the dirt their names. Was it empowering? Did it make her feel like she was regaining some measure of control? Immediately afterwards her family vowed revenge and justice…that was something Lisbon longed for.

But she didn't have that. She never saw him; she still didn't have a name or a face. She wasn't like Lavinia. She couldn't tell her team who he was, she couldn't write his name and break the silence, she couldn't take back the control that had been robbed from her. In that regard…she was a failure.

And revenge Lavinia received. Chiron and Demetrius were captured and chained, while Titus explained exactly what he would do to them, they finally trembled in fear just as Lavinia did. They were silent as Lavinia now was. And finally, Titus cut their throats while Lavinia caught the blood in a bowl. But it was her smile that Lisbon was most captivated by, a small smile of pleasure at watching the men who destroyed her finally meet their end. After which, she seemed almost at peace…almost. She was even serene in her death.

Would she get that chance? What did she want, justice or revenge? What would happen if he was caught? She knew that. He would be put in jail until a jury of her peers decided whether or not he was guilty. She had to put all of her trust in twelve strangers who didn't know her and didn't care. And even if they did decide in her favor, he would be put in prison where he would be clothed and fed, there would be no pain, no suffering. Not like her.

She wanted him to feel her pain. Bloody thoughts clutched her mind and refused to leave. What would it be like to take a knife to him? To watch him slowly bleed, to have him beg for mercy just as she did. Lisbon's lips twitched upwards at the thought. It was pleasant, the idea of him being at _her _mercy and denying it. Maybe then she would feel powerful again. Maybe then she wouldn't feel any shame.

But those thoughts shriveled and died.

It was all well and good to think about revenge…except she had no idea who he was. And she had no one to blame for this but herself. It was her failure.

Her shame.

* * *

><p>Lisbon felt uncomfortable being alone in her apartment but she hadn't wanted to go back to the pharmacy with Tommy to pick up her sleeping pills. She hated that place now, it was a constant reminder of the last time she had walked through the doors. She didn't want to give the pharmacist the chance to remember that she was the rape victim that had acted like a complete basket case.<p>

Instead she had stayed home and tried to ignore that paranoid feeling that was quickly becoming a constant part of her life. Lisbon did her best to focus on something else, which is how she read the second act of _Titus Andronicus_ again. She looked over the ravishment of Lavinia for probably the hundredth time. It was worse now that she'd seen the film and she could imagine it all so well now. Lavinia on her knees begging Tamora to kill her, pleading to die rather than face the horrors of violation. All the while the horrible queen simply smiled and replied, _"So should I rob my sweet sons of their fee. / No, let them satisfy their lust on thee."_

Helpless and frightened. That must have been how Lavinia felt when Tamora said those words and sealed her fate. Lisbon knew that feeling well, she was feeling something akin to that right now.

She was turning the pages to when Titus first sees Lavinia again after Marcus found her but there was a knock on the door. Lisbon jumped and immediately hid the book underneath the couch, she wasn't entirely sure why she did that, but she didn't want Tommy to see it. The fact that Tommy had a spare key didn't cross her mind.

It wasn't her younger brother back from the pharmacy, it was Jane.

"Really? Again?" she asked, this was only the third time that Jane had come by to check up on her that week.

"Really? That's how you answer the door?" he said with his angelic smile. Lisbon rolled her eyes and stepped aside to let him in. "Hey at least I'm not offering up terrible excuses like bringing coffee and doughnuts. _I_ am honest."

"And you are _honestly_ overprotective," Lisbon replied. Not that she could blame him, only a few days ago she had been sitting in her bathtub after freaking out in front of TV reporters. And of course two minutes ago she had hated being alone. So she smiled at him with gratitude, "Thanks." Lisbon closed the door and walked him over to the living room. "Would you like some tea?"

Jane shook his head, "No, I'm fine." He looked around for a moment. "Where's your brother?"

"He went to the pharmacy," Lisbon replied and immediately regretted it. There was only one reason why someone would go to the pharmacy and it wasn't for the reasonable prices of stationary.

"Judging by the deer-in-the-headlights look you are giving me," Jane said, "I'm going to guess he is not there for mouthwash."

Lisbon slumped down in defeat. "He's getting my sleeping pills."

Now Jane nodded. "You had your first therapy session today. I should have known; your body language was obvious."

She glared at him. "That's not true."

He gave her is inquisitive look. "You're general stance, the slump to your shoulders and the tell-tale crinkle between your eyes. All tells." Lisbon gave him an even more pointed glare, which only seemed to make him happier. Jane simply grinned. "What happened?"

Lisbon shrugged. "Nothing. Her name is Dr. Nancy Cargill, blonde, British, nice. I went. We talked. I left. It was fine."

Jane studied her for a long moment. "No it wasn't."

"Yes it was."

He looked in her eyes. "Let me guess how it went. You spent a half an hour doing nothing but sitting in silence before you finally spoke. When she asked you questions you gave her the minimum response you could manage before escaping early."

Damn he was good.

Lisbon thought about protesting some more but really what was the point? Jane was the human lie detector and he had just summarized her entire therapy session without even asking one question. "Okay, so _maybe_ that's what happened." She shook her head, "but really it's stupid. I'm not even sure if I want to go back, what's the point right? It isn't going to help."

To her surprise, Jane actually looked disappointed in her. "You didn't put any effort into this at all did you?"

"Of course I did."

Jane didn't accept that answer. "You mentioned Dr. Carmen didn't you?"

Now Lisbon was getting exasperated. "You don't think it's relevant that the last shrink I was forced to see tried to have me framed for murder?"

Jane shook his head. "Not really, unless you want to prove that you have no desire to accept any form of help."

"I don't need help."

"Yes you do."

"Why do you care?" Lisbon asked which was probably the wrong thing to say.

"Why do I care?" Jane repeated, his voice betraying his annoyance, "You are my friend, of course I care about you."

"I meant, why do you care about therapy? You hate shrinks," she reminded him, "You said that pretentious people go into psychology because they enjoy feeling like the most intelligent people in the room and love hoarding that over their patients."

Jane didn't seem fazed at all by her memory of his pronouncements. "That's true, but there are good doctors too. Those are the ones that can help people."

"And you are saying that I need help." Now he gave her that look that meant she was stating the obvious. "I can take care of this on my own."

"No you can't," Jane replied, "You can't just lock your emotions up like you normally do. This is going to eat you alive until you finally deal with it."

She scoffed at him. "Says the man who keeps everything bottled up inside."

"Yes, but when I needed help, I got it."

That made her pause. How could she have forgotten that? Jane had confessed to her years before about his stint in a mental institution. The man who hated anyone getting inside of his head had actually allowed a psychiatrist do just that. Jane had gotten help…if he was saying that she needed it…

"You think I'm going crazy."

He shook his head. "No, but you have to talk to someone, Lisbon. You have to try."

Lisbon stepped away from him, frustrated about all of this. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"No, we aren't going to change the subject."

"Well I'm not going to talk," she shot back. "If you don't like it then there's the door," she pointed at the object in question.

But Jane didn't move from his stance. "Kicking me out isn't going to solve anything. You know I'm right."

She leveled her gaze at him. "Change the subject or leave, those are your options."

But Jane never did take ultimatums well.

"I'm not leaving," he stated firmly.

"Fine, stand there in silence, see if I care," she said and turned away from him. Lisbon hated this. She hated feeling this uncomfortable, hated feeling trapped by Jane's probing gaze. She didn't like that he was making sense; he knew he was getting to her, which only made it worse.

There was a noise outside. Probably just a car driving past but Lisbon was living in a constant state of fear these days. Instinctively she peeked through the blinds so she could look outside…

_She wanted to look through the window one last time. To watch her team and the rest of the guests, to gather her strength before facing the mob._

_ But then a hand slammed her head up against the wall and she saw stars. The next thing she knew she was on the ground staring up at a shadowy figure and trying to sort out what was happening._

_ The shadow hauled her up, pinning her arms at her side as he dragged her away…_

_ "Lisbon."_

_ She opened her mouth to scream but he slammed his fist into her stomach and all that came out was strangled choke. She couldn't get in air to breathe._

_ "Lisbon…Teresa, listen to me."_

_ She had to fight back. She had to stop him. She needed to get away now._

_ "Focus on me, on my voice, focus."_

Then it was gone.

Lisbon blinked a few times and stared out at the dark street below. She wasn't in the alley, she wasn't being dragged away by an unknown attacker, she was home and safe and Jane was still trying to talk her back to the present.

She shook her head and turned back to Jane. "I'm sorry," she said trying to sound nonchalant but really she sounded dazed, "I zoned out for a minute."

Jane didn't buy that for a second. His eyes were dark and focused and filled with concern. "You were having a flashback."

There was no point in lying now. Jane always knew when she lied and there was no way she could get out of this one. She had to try to ease his concern. "It's no big deal," she assured him.

Jane didn't look appeased. "Look down at your hand and then tell me that again."

Lisbon was confused by his request until she did just as he asked. Her palm was marked by long red cuts, her blood standing out against her skin. She was bleeding; if she looked over at the bent blinds she would see the red smear marking where she had clutched them. Clutched them so tight they had cut into her skin.

"Oh," she gasped, still staring at the blood that was covering her palm. She hadn't even felt the pain.

Jane was somber but he calmly ushered her over to her kitchen so she could wash away the blood under the running water from the faucet. She didn't know how he knew where she kept her first aid supplies but he disappeared for just a moment only to return with bandages and antiseptic. He was actually very tender as he took her injured hand in his, patting the hand dry with a cloth before cradling it again.

He was careful as he tended to the wound. "How often do you have flashbacks?" he asked not looking up from his work.

She winced as the antiseptic left a burning fire in her palm. "This was…," she began but one piercing look from Jane stopped her lie cold, "…not the first time." Lisbon admitted. Jane was quiet so she knew he was waiting for her to continue. "The day before the press conference, I went to the pharmacy. A guy was in a hurry, he ran past me and shoved me a little…and then I was back in that alley."

Jane was silent but his eyes were somber when she looked into them once more. "It's okay though," she tried, "I'm fine."

"Lisbon," he told her firmly, "this is post traumatic stress."

She wanted to disagree; she wanted to tell him that he was wrong. That she wasn't traumatized, that she wasn't broken, that soon everything would be all right. But how was she going to be able to lie like that when he was bandaging up her bleeding hand?

With one hand he tilted her chin up so she was looking at him again. "There is no shame in needing help."

Lisbon shook her head. "No shame. That's what everyone says. There's no shame in needing help. There's no shame in being hurt. There's no shame in being raped." She looked away again. "Then how come all I feel is shame? What does that tell you?"

"That you aren't willing to accept what is obviously the truth."

God she wanted to believe that.

"I just want this all to end," she admitted, "I just want to wake up and see that all of this is some horrible nightmare. That I wasn't raped…that I'm not broken." Lisbon watched as Jane carefully wrapped the white bandage around her hand. "This wasn't supposed to happen to me."

Now he looked up and she saw real pain in his eyes. "I know."

"Then why…?"

"I don't know."

She gave him a small bitter smile, "I thought you were the one that had all of the answers."

His voice was very soft. "I wish that were true."

Tears blurred her vision but she didn't have a free hand to brush them away, one was encased in a cast and Jane was tenderly caring for the other. She did what she could to blink them away. "So what am I supposed to do? Sit there and let this woman tell me what's wrong with me. Is that what you want?"

"What I want is for you to actually try. Actually answer her questions honestly…it can't hurt."

Lisbon shook her head. "So I have to let a complete stranger inside of my head, she's supposed to cure me." She looked at him, his head bent down as he tucked the ends of the bandage in neatly. "You get inside my head all the time, maybe you could be my shrink."

She saw the edges of his lips curl up into a real smile. "Bite your tongue, woman." Even she had to let out a small giggle at that.

With her hand bandaged up she thought he would let her go, but instead Jane kept her small hand in his, gently running the pad of his thumb over her knuckles. It was something Lisbon wasn't used to, being so close to Jane like this. But, it felt so natural. It felt wonderful to have someone touch her like this since everyone else's touch made her shudder with revulsion. She was grateful that Jane seemed to instinctively know that she needed his touch so that she didn't feel so alone.

"I'm not used to needing help," Lisbon reminded him, "but I feel so…lost. Like I don't even know who I am or what I'm doing anymore."

Jane looked into her eyes. "You'll get it back."

"Because you say so?"

"Because I'll help you." He kept her hand in his, it was a firm but gentle hold. "But promise me you'll at least _try_ your therapy."

She tilted her head to the side and gave him a small but genuine smile. "I'd remind you that of the two of us, _I'm_ the one with the better track record of following orders."

Now it was his turn to smile a bit. "Do you promise?"

Lisbon's smile grew just a little; he looked so adorable right then. She nodded. "I promise."

Then to her surprise Jane brought her hand to his lips and placed a very soft kiss on her knuckles. It was tender and possibly the sweetest gesture she'd ever received from a man. Lisbon didn't know why or how, but one thing was becoming crystal clear to her. That if she was going to survive this than Jane would be the one to be there with her.

She didn't want to let him go. Not when he was such a comfort to her. So she took the initiative and threaded her fingers through his. If he was surprised by her intimate gesture, he didn't show it; in fact he showed every sign of being as comfortable with this as she was. It was strange…but it didn't feel wrong at all.

They could have stayed like that for several minutes or maybe even longer. She didn't know. She never heard Tommy walking back into the apartment and from Jane's startled expression; he had been as oblivious as she was.

"I uh…I'm back," Tommy declared, staring at the two of them in her kitchen. Her hand still firmly holding Jane's. Lisbon reluctantly let go and brushed the hair away from her still bruised face. "What happened to your hand?"

She looked down at her now bandaged hand. Right, it hadn't been like that when Tommy left. "I cut it," she said lamely. "It's no big deal really, Jane helped me bandage it up." She looked at Jane with pleading eyes, silently begging him not to tell her brother about her flashback. She didn't want to burden Tommy any more than she already had. "So, you've got the pills."

"Yeah," Tommy said, still a little caught off guard by the two of them. He held up the little paper bag that contained the orange bottle and handed it to her.

"Wonderful," she said dryly and pulled out the bottle, eyeing the full container of white pills.

Jane looked at the bottle in her hand too. "Maybe you should take some now."

Lisbon turned back to look at him with an incredulous look. "It's kind of early don't you think?"

It was a little after eight-thirty, not exceedingly early but certainly sooner than Lisbon was used to going to sleep. But he knew this was not an ordinary situation for her. "Perhaps, but not for someone who hasn't gotten a full night's rest in over a week."

Well he had her there. She eyed the bottle again with a bit of reluctance. "And sleep, that's the cure-all for this."

She was being sarcastic and Jane knew it but he decided to play along a bit. He shrugged. "Might as well try it." Really he just wanted her to catch up on as much sleep as she could, he knew she hadn't gotten nearly enough over the past week. It was taking a toll on her, that was plain to see. Getting her system back in order may even help stabilize her emotions. Probably not, but at the very least it would improve her health.

With a sigh Lisbon filled one glass with a small bit of water and downed a couple of pills. Then she turned and faced her brother and Jane. "There, happy?"

Jane smiled sweetly at her. "Ecstatic."

Tommy's eyes darted from her then to Jane and then back again. It didn't escape either one of them that Tommy was clearly unsure over what was going on. They weren't about to give him any answers…mostly because they didn't really have any themselves.

Jane was aware of Tommy's uneasiness in that moment. He also knew exactly what needed to be done. He turned to Lisbon with a sweet smile. "Maybe you should go upstairs and let the pills work their magic."

Lisbon raised an eyebrow. "Sure, maybe tomorrow I'll wake up with a whole new outlook on life."

"You'll never know if you don't try," Jane replied teasingly. It was a bit of lighthearted fun; he honestly wished she could simply wake up tomorrow feeling completely safe and secure. He knew that getting a full night's rest wouldn't do any of that, she would still wake up with much of the same anxieties and depression that she was feeling now. But at the very least, she wouldn't feel so tired, it could only help.

She finally smiled a little with defeat. "Alright, I'll go to bed early." She hesitated a little; caught between wanting to touch him, just to squeeze his hand and reflect on feeling that comfort only he could give her right now. Instead she gave him a small smile again before quietly walking up to stairs towards her waiting bed.

Tommy and Jane watched her go before their eyes focused on each other. There was some definite hostility in Tommy's gaze, something Jane could understand, it came from frustration at the situation and some resentment that someone else was taking over what he perceived was his job. Jane could understand, he felt that frustration too.

"Go on ahead and say what you want, Tommy," Jane told him calmly, "You don't have to hold anything back."

It seemed that Tommy was a lot like his older sister; once the right button was pushed then his temper would flare. "What the hell is going on here?"

Jane sighed; he had expected that exact response. "She had a flashback and cut herself, I was just helping her out." That may not have been what Tommy had actually meant, but it was best to get that out in the open too.

"And she let you touch her?"

Yes that was what would have stood out the most to her brother. There was no point in trying to deny what was obvious. "Yes," Jane said simply.

Tommy took that admission as badly as Jane thought he would. He took a step back and ran a hand through his hair while shaking his head in disbelief. "You've got to be kidding me!" He exclaimed more to himself. He looked back at Jane with an accusing look. "What exactly is going on between you two?"

Jane supposed he shouldn't have been surprised that Tommy came to that conclusion. "Nothing like what you are thinking," Jane assured him. It was the truth in most respects, nothing romantic had actually occurred between them…to a point. Feelings and thoughts were another matter entirely. But that was beside the point; Lisbon was in no state to be in a romantic relationship with anyone, least of all him.

That mollified Tommy somewhat at first but then his ire grew even more severe. It made sense that his sister would trust Jane if there was something going on between them, without that as an explanation…he was left only with questions. "But she lets you touch her," Tommy reminded Jane who nodded an affirmative. "Why? Why in hell would she trust _you_?"

"Tommy—."

"No. I'm her brother, her _family._ You…you are just her coworker that makes her life miserable. She shouldn't be turning to you. You shouldn't be the one helping her, that's _my_ job. She's _my_ family."

It was a harsh way to say it but Jane knew that Tommy was upset and frustrated with everything going on. All the man wanted to do was help his sister and it seemed like nothing he did was working, it was equal parts aggravation and disillusionment that someone who he perceived as an outsider seemed to be doing a better job. Jane wasn't sure on that last point but it was hard to refute the idea that Lisbon trusted him the most right now.

Jane sighed. "If you are looking for a reasonable explanation…I don't have one. The truth is that looking for logic in this situation is impossible. She's hurt…damaged, and as much as we'd like to change things, we can't. We just have to accept them."

Tommy's jaw was clenched. "I just have to accept that _you_ are going to be the one who can help her? You?"

"No, you just have to understand that this is not about you or me…it's about her. We have to do whatever it takes to make her feel secure and safe. If she feels comfortable with me…then we have to use that," Jane explained calmly. "This isn't a reflection on you or what you are doing, all we can do is accept the situation as it is."

Tommy was quiet for a long time, he was still tense and rigid but he seemed to be slowly calming down. "I just want what's best for Reese."

Jane nodded simply. "So do I."

In that regard there was an agreement. They both wanted to help Lisbon as much as they could, and Jane was the one who was best able to do it. That was the sobering truth.

And neither one of them liked it.

* * *

><p>For the first time in over a week Lisbon slept for more than two hours at a time. The pills did their job, getting her to fall asleep fast and stay asleep for a while. But they couldn't stop the nightmares.<p>

This time she had been back in that alley. Everything was the same. The darkness that kept her from seeing who he was, the pain every time he hit her, the revulsion that made her feel sick as his cruel hands touched her. This time it was like she was trapped, begging inside of her mind to scream, to fight, to do something. But then she felt him forcing her legs apart and all fighting was in vain.

She woke up again in a groggy daze, covered in sweat and tears. This time she didn't think, just ran to the bathroom so she could wash herself clean. For a half an hour she just knelt there underneath the spray of water from her shower, crying quietly, grateful that the running water covered up her cries. Lisbon didn't even realize that she was still wearing her bedclothes until she finally decided to get out.

This day Tommy didn't try to get her to smile or put on a show of faux happiness. She didn't really think much of his change in behavior though she had a feeling it was due to her own depression. When one is feeling sorry for one's self it is difficult to find the compassion to extend the emotion to others.

But Tommy wasn't one to give up either; it was that Lisbon stubborn streak that ran in their blood. Never give up, never back down and always push forward. "We should go to the grocery store and get some food," he remarked, "you're running low on everything."

She'd been sitting in the living room staring at her cup of coffee. "What?"

"We need to go to the store, you know the place where you buy food in exchange for money?" His tone was teasing, he was trying again.

"Oh," Lisbon said and set her coffee mug down. "Yeah, right. Get whatever you want."

Tommy obviously didn't like the implication that he was going alone. "I thought you could come with me."

Her head snapped up and she gave him a sharp look. "I don't think so, Tommy."

At first he looked upset at her refusal, but clearly he was beginning to learn that he had to use other appeals beyond pleading. "I don't know what you want, Reese. It would be better if you came with me."

"I don't want anything."

"You have to eat," Tommy reminded her, "you can't live on coffee."

"I'll eat whatever you get, I'm not picky," she told him simply.

He sighed and stepped forward. Tommy wanted to touch her, to take her hand but decided against it. "Please, Reese. Just come."

Please.

Jane had said that to get her out of the water. She'd said that to her father 'Please, Dad, stop drinking' and she'd said those words to God many times, the most recent being just yesterday. She'd begged him to let her wake up to find all of this a dream.

But that was a fool's plea.

Still, with her own pleas so far unheeded it made her feel guilty for not doing a simple task when asked.

"Alright."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Lisbon doubted her decision to go to the store with Tommy almost as soon as they left her home. That feeling only increased as they parked the car outside of the store and she saw the people milling about, housewives mostly with young children, all shopping to feed their families. Maybe they wouldn't even notice her…but she doubted it.

Like before she was wearing a sweatshirt, this one a remnant from her college days, and it hid her cast fairly well. The bruising around her eyes had gone down, now they were mostly a grayish green that wasn't too noticeable. Still she grabbed her sunglasses, more for the sake of comfort than anything.

"Don't bring those," Tommy told her when he noticed what she was holding.

"I have to."

"No you don't."

"People are going to be looking at me," she reminded him, "I don't want them to stare."

"Then that is their problem," he said firmly. "You shouldn't hide, Reese. You have no reason to."

Lisbon stared numbly at the sunglasses in her limp hand. She wanted to please her brother just as much as she wanted to hide away from the world. In the end, family always came first. She reluctantly put the sunglasses in the glove compartment and followed Tommy out of the car.

The grocery store was sparsely populated at the moment, which eased her tension somewhat. Tommy was the one who pushed the rickety cart while she followed him dully, looking around to be sure that no one was staring.

"What do you want for tonight?" Tommy asked, his voice light and conversational.

She shook her head. "I don't know."

"We could make sandwiches," he offered, "and soup?"

"Sure," she said simply, not really caring at all.

But Tommy was still stubborn and determined to try and bring some life back into her voice. "You remember mom's recipe for French onion? Dad used to break the speed limit home whenever she told him she was making it."

It worked a little. Her lips twitched at the happy memories. "Mom's soup was good," she said, "I have the recipe written down, Aunt Catherine gave it to me a long time ago."

"Yeah? Well maybe we could make it."

Lisbon nodded. "Alright." She knew it wouldn't be the same, she'd tried to recreate their mother's recipe before but it had never tasted quite right. It was their mother, that was what was missing, some times the way a dish is prepared only tastes the best depending on who made it. Otherwise there is a trace of bitterness that will never be erased.

Still, it couldn't hurt to indulge in a few happy memories.

But the slight bit of optimism diminished very quickly when she noticed an older woman gaping at her. Apparently the bruises around her eyes were still very noticeable indeed. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Tommy tense up, so he'd noticed the woman staring too. He quickly turned the cart around so they could turn away from her.

Now she felt like she was on center stage of her own humiliation. Everyone, stop and stare at the walking train wreck. She'll be here all week and maybe for the rest of her life.

"I should have stayed in the car," Lisbon muttered bitterly.

"Reese—"

"This was a mistake," she cut in, "I knew people would stop to stare at me. And why wouldn't they? It's always interesting to see if I'm going to implode or not."

"Reese, please stop," Tommy said and put a hand on her shoulder to slow her fast steps. Lisbon immediately recoiled and pushed back, so that she was several steps away from her brother. As if he were a grubby looking stranger instead of her family.

God she was a mess.

And this time Tommy looked really upset.

"I'm…I'm sorry," she told him quickly, "I just…I still don't like it if anyone touches me."

Tommy's brown eyes met hers and she saw confusion, pain and frustration in those depths. "Not Jane." Her heart sank as soon as he said it. She had been trying to hard to keep that from him, she knew he wouldn't take it well, especially when she had no good explanation for why her usually frustrating and annoying co-worker could touch her, but not her younger brother. "You let him touch you. Why?"

She shook her head and willed herself to keep it together. "I…I don't know." Lisbon looked away. "I know that that it's a horrible explanation but I really don't know. I _hate_ this. I _hate_ being this person who is afraid, who can't even let her brother touch her. It's awful!"

Lisbon looked down at the ground again. She didn't like this, she didn't like seeing the confusion and pain in her brother's face. She hated how he looked at her with a mixture of pity and sadness…and she hated continuously disappointing him.

"Maybe you should go," she whispered softly, "go home to Annie."

"No, Reese," Tommy said quickly.

"Tommy, I know you want to help but I don't…I don't want to hurt you anymore."

"You're not."

"Yes I am, every time you try to talk to me, to get me to do something that any normal person would do…but I don't." She released a deep breath; "It hurts you, because I'm not me anymore." Lisbon realized they were standing in the middle of the freezer section. She glanced over to see her reflection on the glass door that housed the boxes of frozen peas and brussel sprouts. "Do you remember Dad right after Mom died?" Her voice was sad and emotionless, "when he first started drinking? I walked into the living room once and he yelled at me to get out, that he didn't want to see me, to look at me." Lisbon looked up at Tommy now with tears in her eyes, "he said I looked too much like Mom…and it hurt him."

Tommy had to take a moment to gather his own composure. "Reese, I don't…I don't look at you like that do I?"

She shook her head. "I wasn't talking about you…I was talking about _me_." Lisbon pointed at her reflection in the glass. "I look so much like her. Teresa Lisbon, your sister, an agent of the CBI…but I'm not. I'm this bruised and broken person…and I hate looking at _her_. Because she's so damn pathetic." Lisbon looked back up at her brother. "And I hate what she does to you. You don't want to be here either Tommy, it hurts you, no matter how hard you try to hide it. I know I'm hurting you."

He was quiet for a long time but he didn't deny it. What was the point? Just like it was time for her to stop denying that she was completely dead inside, he needed to stop denying that her inability to move past all of this was actually painful for him to watch. Which is why she didn't want him to watch anymore.

"I just want to help you, Reese."

She smiled just a little. "You've done what you can…but some things can't be helped."

"Then who can help you?" Tommy asked urgently, "Jane? Is that who want?"

She was caught off guard a bit before slowly shaking her head. "I don't know."

"You don't know if you want his help?"

Lisbon shook her head again. "I don't know if he can help me." Now she smiled bitterly as she remembered something Jane said to her long ago. "There are some things that can't be fixed." She shrugged, trying to appear indifferent. "Maybe that's me now."

She turned away from Tommy's look of horror.

Sometimes the truth hurts us…and the ones we love most.

* * *

><p>Jason Mill's murder was solved in rapid succession, something that would most definitely please Director Bertram. The Mills case was proof that the CBI was still able to do it's job and protect the citizens of California.<p>

Not that any of that mattered to Jane. Another case solved meant a brief return to the Red John case…and Lisbon's. But such things could only be dealt with after the others finished the tedious business of paperwork. So whole Rigsby and Cho put the murderer through booking and Grace worked at her computer, Jane lay at his couch to make at an effort at some sleep. Unfortunately, he and Lisbon seemed to share the same incapability. He also dreamed about that wretched night. His imagination worked up an even more dreadful ending: finding her lifeless, broken body in that alley.

"David Gallagher is booked," Cho said as he walked into the bullpen with Rigsby beside him, "By the way, Jane, he said he'll skin you alive when he gets out."

"Mm," Jane let out an amused sound, "I'll look forward to that."

"You don't sound particularly cowed by that threat," Grace said.

Jane sat up and grinned at her. "Gallagher is a drunk. I doubt he could skin an apple, much less a person."

She chuckled a little and went back to her computer. He smiled too, but only for a moment. He could almost hear Lisbon's response to what he has just said. _"I'm liable to take up his threat if you pull a stunt like that again."_

No, she wouldn't be happy with him today.

Jane couldn't help but look towards Lisbon's dark office. Her absence was impossible to ignore. She should have been there today, trying to keep him from doing his reckless ideas but ultimately giving in when she realized she had no choice. He should be getting her a cup of coffee and a Danish to make up for driving her crazy, again. Most of all, none of this should have happened.

"I miss her too," Grace said, obviously she'd caught him staring.

Jane looked down at the floor. Right now if he looked at any of them he would shatter into a million pieces. He had to remain strong.

"Have you seen her recently?"

Jane nodded to the ground. "Yesterday."

"Are you going back?" Rigsby joined in now. Wonderful, he guessed all three of them were staring at him, silently begging for answers.

"Maybe."

The silence that settled in was thick like a dank, grey fog. He let it stew, to build and boil. He wasn't sure if he really wanted them to ask first or if he was trying to decide what he wanted to confess. His mind was blank as to what to say. He truly was at loss.

But they were still there, patiently waiting to decide what they should say as well. Finally, his own patience wore out. "It's very disconcerting having three people stare at me all at once."

Jane swung around so his feet rested on the floor. He met their equal gazes with his normal, calculated blank expression. "Say your peace."

They stopped staring at him and looked to one another, each daring the other speak first. It was Cho who found his courage first. "We saw what happened at the press conference."

"Such a thing would be hard to forget," he agreed.

"You touched her," Grace said, "And she didn't…she didn't mind."

Jane shook his head but didn't say anything. "That wasn't the first time, was it?" Cho asked.

"No," he admitted.

"When?"

"At the hospital."

Rigsby and Grace exchanged looks of surprise, but Cho never looked away from Jane. "It's just you, isn't it?"

"Yes," he said.

Jane took a bet with himself that it would be Grace who would ask the big question. He won. "Why?"

"I don't know," he said quietly. He had purposefully blocked that same question from his mind. The answer…well he didn't think either Lisbon or himself were ready to know that yet.

"But this means she's getting better, right?" Rigsby asked.

"I don't know," he said with a little shake of his head.

Rigsby frowned a little. "But if she's letting you touch her, then she has to be."

"Maybe, I don't know," he said again. It was odd having to say those words, normally he did have the answers. But now he was completely adrift, uncertain and scared of the many possible outcomes that could come to be if he made one mistake.

"But—."

"I don't know, Rigsby, I don't know!" He hadn't meant to shout. It was even a surprise to him whenever he lost his temper. Lisbon's rape had left him feeling stretched, a tight string of emotions that at a moment could be plucked, if not snapped beyond repair.

"I don't have any answers for you," he said, softly this time, "I'm sorry but I don't."

He looked away from them but didn't focus his attention on anything. He lost himself in his own thoughts. Lisbon stumbling in the parking lot in that green dress, bloody and detached from the world. Lisbon crying in the hospital after telling him the horror of what she had went through. Lisbon holding out her bloody palm for him to tend, not flinching once as he touched her. Him and him alone was the one she needed. That didn't fill him with pride. It scared him to death.

When the couch dipped slightly, he glanced over and saw that Grace had left her desk and was sitting beside him now. "Jane," she said, "she trusts you."

"She shouldn't," he said.

"But she does. She chose to trust you."

"Well she chose wrong." He met her eyes but Grace didn't look away. "I don't know what I'm doing," he admitted, "I hurt people, that's what I do. I don't know how to help her."

"That's not true."

"And what if I fail?" Jane pointed out. "If I can't do this...she'll be broken, she'll be gone and I don't..." He stopped short of admitting the truth. Jane had learned a long time ago that he needed Lisbon. He needed her in his life because she was the only person alive that made existing in this wretched world with it.

"Jane, you can do this." Grace said softly.

Jane shook his head and looked down at the floor. Grace always had such faith, sometimes that was admirable. Right now he thought of it was naïve.

"You don't have a choice," Cho pointed out, "It has to be you."

He knew that.

And it terrified him.

* * *

><p>AN: Awwwww poor Jane, he is terrified he'll fail in this and he'll lose Lisbon completely. But he doesn't have much of a choice does he?

Well next chapter will be a big one. Another suspect will be brought forward, is he the rapist or is he another dead end? You'll have to read to find out. Oh and all you Jisbon fans will have something to smile about next chapter, we promise. ;-D


	7. Strike One

Disclaimer: No we own nothing but we do play with the characters

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Okay everyone put down your guns, knives and frying pans. I am so so so sorry that this took so long but a lot of things happened all at once including midterms, papers and writer's block all of which contributed to this later than planned update. But it is here and I'm proud of it. It gets pretty emotional but the ending is very very sweet, I hope it makes up for the long wait.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Yep, sorry for the wait. It's our last semester of college and as much as I would love to just sit here and write this story all day, we do have to graduate, LOL. Anyways, this chap we return to Lisbon's case and look at another suspect. Will it be him? You'll just have to see.

NOTE: We are both on twitter and I (Nerwen) often will post updates about how the writing process for the next chapter is coming along as well as tweet whenever we do update this story since the site is getting pretty wonky with the alerts. Follow me on twitter Nerwen_Aldarion and it really does pay to follow me, if you chat me up you can twist my arm to give you sneak peeks for upcoming chapters. Just ask Steele Simz ;-)

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Anonymous:** This isn't our longest chapter but it is long so maybe that will be enough. Sorry about the wait.

**The 123 Fan:** I know it is has been a month but here it is!

**D**: Awww that's a fine compliment and I must say I enjoyed reading your conversation with The Vet on our review page LOL, but we have no plans to abandon Lavinia at all. This chapter is proof of it!

**The Vet**: Well we might start some new fanfics but we are not letting this one go. We have the next 3 or 4 chapters planned out and almost 100 pages worth of excerpts for later chapters. Trust me, we are in this one the long haul. Loved your conversation with D by the way LOL

**mmm**: yeah sorry for the long wait, it was not intentional at all. The first half of the chapter was 100% necessary because Lavinia's tale will play a big role in the story from here on out, it was important to introduce the play because most of our readers don't know it. Lisbon will have to learn to trust someone again before she can be intimate and yes Jane is a good candidate isn't he? Hey, there might be a real reason for the "Jisbon" in the story summary *hint hint*

**Anonymous**: Poor Cho does bear the burden of leading a case that is going nowhere, poor man. This chapter will contain some Jisbon goodness you are sure to love.

**Justsomeone**: We tried but failed to post that weekend but I did check out your video! It was awesome! I already bookmarked it to watch 100 times hehehe

**TheTruth**: You are right about the progression of Jisbon intimate moments, and yes there will be some more in this chapter hehehe. Yes Jane is boiling with frustration and Lisbon is all over the map in terms of her emotions, that doesn't necessarily lead to a romantic entanglement...yet.

**Anon**: I do keep people updated on what is going along in my twitter feed. Tweet me back and I might even give you sneaks for upcoming chapters, no joke! And I do write between classes, after classes and before we go to bed...but unfortunately a lot of that is writing for classes :-(

**Mabeline30**: So glad you found this fic! This story will continue to become even more emotional as Lisbon falls further down the rabbit hole. Next chapter will feature Jane finding out about Lisbon's new reading material and will NOT take it well. You'll see what happens.

**123TellMeYouLoveMe**: Thank you so much for the compliments, you really bring a smile to our faces when we read your reviews. Yes it does lead to other universes, Lisbon will begin to find herself relating to Lavinia more and more, their stories are more intertwined then they seem which is why it was important to really introduce Lavinia's story. Tommy needed to face the truth, he cannot help his sister anymore, Jane is the one who can do that now. Jane is afraid, that is the only way to put it. He is afraid that he will fail and lose Lisbon forever but what this chapter will show is that while Lisbon is falling...Jane is actually starting to heal himself. The best way to heal a broken soul is to help another.

**Kate**: Thank you so much. Hope this chapter is as enjoyable for you as the last.

* * *

><p>Chapter 7: Strike One<p>

Rigsby knew he wasn't the only member of the team that was having a hard time keeping his mind off their boss's case. In fact, he was certain that every single one of them was living with that specter at almost every free moment. It wasn't something they could work past and not talking about it wasn't helping, this was something horrific that had happened to the small family they had formed. They didn't know where to go from here.

But he had to admit that it seemed like Jane was the one who was taking it the hardest. It wasn't that surprising really, of any of them Jane was the one who was hanging by a thread most of the time. But Rigsby knew what really had him concerned was that he was the one who was burdened with saving their boss and friend. Rigsby didn't envy him that task…he was glad that it wasn't him.

Grace was the one who was hopeful. She thought that Jane was stronger than he thought. Maybe…Rigsby hoped so.

It didn't change the fact that they were all lying awake at night with a single thought repeating through their heads. They didn't have him yet.

It was during one of those moments where Rigsby got his idea.

He kept going over everything Jane had said, because normally the ex-psychic was right. That meant that the person who raped Lisbon had to be someone they knew. Someone who worked in law enforcement or was close with them. Someone who had problems in his life. And a problem with Lisbon.

That was the key. Someone who was angry at Lisbon.

Which is why he found himself heading up the courthouse where ADA Cole Sanford had his office. Usually Rigsby's interactions with prosecutors were through a phone call with the exception of when a dissertation was needed for court. It was Lisbon who often had to talk to them whenever a case got messy or Jane annoyed someone important. But he knew where Sanford worked and had met him once or twice and this was something that meant far too much for any nerves to overcome it.

He knocked politely on the door to get Sanford's attention. The prosecutor shut a drawer in his desk very quickly and looked up at him. "Agent Rigsby," he said evenly, "It's been a while." Sanford looked down, like everyone did whenever they met one of Lisbon's team members. "I would like to express my deepest condolences for Agent Lisbon. It's a real tragedy that something like this happened to someone like her."

Rigsby nodded. "Thank you," but his voice was a bit wooden, he hated talking about almost as much as he hated remembering it.

"May I ask how she is?"

No surprise that he would ask that, everyone wanted to know. But it was the hardest question to answer, a lie wouldn't work because it was painfully obviously false, but the truth was not something he ever wanted to admit.

"She's hanging in there," Rigsby settled for somewhere in between. It wasn't the truth but not quite a lie. Lisbon really was hanging on…by a very tenuous thread.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Sanford as kindly.

"That's actually why I'm here," Rigsby said. Sanford immediately sat up straighter, eager to be of use to helping him. "We believe that the man who attacked Lisbon was someone at the fundraiser. Someone who works with us perhaps."

Sanford shook his head. "I cannot believe that it would be someone at the CBI…that is unthinkable."

"It had to be someone who knew she was a cop. He wouldn't have been able to have subdued her otherwise."

It took a moment for the truth to sink in before Sanford nodded reverently. "What do you need from me?"

Rigsby relaxed now, content that he was receiving the assistance that was necessary. "The man who attacked Lisbon must have had a reason. It's possible that he filed a complaint against her."

"You want a warrant to see the complaints on her record?"

"We've been ordered to put the case on hold and we don't have enough for a warrant," Rigsby admitted, "You know some people in the Community Relations."

Sanford sat back in seat. "You want me to call in a favor to get you the records without alerting your superiors." Rigsby didn't say anything, but simply nodded slowly. Sanford studied him for a long time, calmly watching him. "Do you really believe that the man who raped Agent Lisbon could be in those records?"

"It's the only lead we have right now."

Another long moment of silence followed before Sanford smiled. "I'll get those records for you today."

Rigsby couldn't contain the sigh of relief. "Thank you…really, thank you."

"No need," Sanford told him, "I want to help in any way I can. It's travesty what happened, if you need any assistance from me again…all you have to do is ask."

He nodded again feeling even more relief. "Again, thank you."

Rigsby walked out of the courthouse feeling a little more optimistic. They all had been feeling a horrible weight over the best couple of weeks. But if there was one thing that could bring solidarity among brothers, it was rising from the ashes of tragedy.

* * *

><p>Rigsby's meeting with Sanford was greeted with unanimous approval with the rest of the team. They were between cases and Bertram was out of town so they were free to devote their entire attention to Lisbon's case.<p>

"This was an excellent idea, Rigsby," Jane complimented him.

"Thanks."

"Wish I had thought of it sooner."

Rigsby nodded at him. "You've had a lot on your mind."

That was the closest they got to discussing the Lisbon situation. Ever since he had admitted his own doubts as to helping her, there had been a silent agreement to leave that subject alone. It was just easier that way.

Cho and Grace arrived, him carrying two boxes and she carrying one. All three were stuffed with manila folders. "These are her complaints?" Rigsby said as he and Jane both stood up.

"Every last one of them," Cho said.

Even Jane stared at the boxes in disbelief. "That's a lot more than even I was anticipating."

"Don't worry," Cho said, "You still hold the record."

"A filing cabinet full?"

"Actually it's two now." Jane smiled at that.

"Still," Rigsby said, pointing to Cho's stack of boxes, "This seems like a lot."

"Guess it goes to show when you get as far as she has so quickly, you're going to make a few enemies."

Grace dumped her box on Rigsby's desk and shook her head at it. "Everyone likes Lisbon though. I mean, it's not like you, Jane."

"Why thank you, Grace," he teased. He tapped one of the unopened boxes with his finger. "But you are right, Lisbon isn't the type of person someone would complain about."

Cho rifled through one box and pulled out one file. He glanced at it for a second and then pulled out another. "I think I see a pattern here." He read off the page, "Agent Lisbon's leadership skills are questionable as she can't control her colleague, Mr. Patrick Jane."

Jane grinned in amusement while Grace picked up another file. "Agent Lisbon needs to put Patrick Jane on a leash, a real one."

"She would like that," Jane concurred.

Cho read a third folder. "Agent Lisbon should learn to control Patrick Jane so he will stop using bombs to get confessions."

"Ah yes," he smiled at that fond memory. He was still proud of that trick. "In my defense, there weren't any explosives."

"Mystery solved as to why she has so many complaints," Rigsby said.

Jane nodded. "Disregard any of the ones that are about me. Whoever wrote those would have more of a problem with me than with her."

"We'll still have to go through them one by one to see which ones are about her," Grace stated grimly.

"Mm hm," Jane said, "Sounds tedious. Good luck with that." He turned around to leave the bullpen.

"Where are you going?" Cho asked.

"To get some tea, my skills would just be wasted here."

Grace rolled her eyes but grinned. He was just being himself, probably only to help things seem more normal, but that was Jane. They knew once he got his tea, he would be back there listening to them as they worked and offering up his own opinions. Maybe it was just a sham, a pretend reality, but at least they were doing it together. As a team.

* * *

><p>This time Dr. Cargill had her long blonde hair pulled back into a loose bun. She still looked at Lisbon with a calm expression, quietly waiting for her patient to speak. She had light blue eyes and Lisbon could see in them that she was a nice woman; she didn't see any hidden agenda like her last therapist. This woman was simply trying to help; it wasn't her fault that Lisbon was being uncooperative.<p>

But she'd made a promise. She told Jane that she would try right? Sure she didn't actually believe that this would do any good…but she had to try. Jane rarely asked her for anything personal, she should indulge him in this.

"Are we going to be silent again or are you going to ask me questions?" Lisbon asked, regretting how annoyed she sounded.

But Dr. Cargill didn't seem fazed at all. "What would you like us to do?"

She shrugged. "I don't know, but I want to try."

The woman's eyebrows quirked up a little. "You seem to have a whole new attitude this session. May I ask what's changed?"

Lisbon hesitated for a fraction of a second. "I made a promise to a friend that I would try."

"And you do not want to disappoint this friend?"

"No, I don't…and he thinks therapy will help so…here I am. Ask me your questions."

But the good doctor's eyes remained impassive. "_He_ thinks this will help…but you don't?"

Damn she was good. She was a lot like Jane, able to see past the mask most people put up and into their true nature. That was probably why Jane hated shrinks so much; it was always unnerving for him to have to face that part of himself as well.

Lisbon sighed. "I don't know if anything can help me."

"But you are willing to try."

"You think I like being like this? I want my life back," Lisbon explained, "So tell me, what do I have to do to get through this?"

Dr. Cargill smiled now. "This is a good start, Teresa. Admitting that you have a problem and being willing to overcome it."

"Great," she said a little dryly, "so how do we start this?"

Nancy was quiet for a moment as she studied the woman in front of her. Then she straightened up and prepared her pen. "What were your feelings during the attack?"

That threw Lisbon for a loop. "What? You want to know how I feel about the attack?"

"Yes, but more specifically, what you felt _during_ it. You must have had some thoughts, some feelings. What do you remember?"

Lisbon wasn't sure how to respond to that. She'd been prepared to admit that she felt ashamed and vulnerable because of what happened to her. But she'd never thought about what she had been thinking while that man had dragged her away to be raped. There had been so many things, so many thoughts.

"I…I don't know," Lisbon admitted, "there's so much…"

"Start at the beginning."

Oh God. "You want me to tell you about what happened."

"I want to know what you thought _while_ it happened, you don't have tell me the details of what he did, just what you were thinking."

She sighed heavily and tried to keep her emotions at bay. "At first, I was surprised. I didn't know what happened. He'd slammed my head up against the wall so I was…stunned. It took a moment for me to realize what was going on. Then all I thought about was getting free, I kept going over the different methods I knew to defend myself, to break free from someone's hold."

Lisbon stopped as she remembered how that felt. She'd known exactly what to do in a situation like that…except she'd failed. She hadn't gotten free. Instead she wound up beaten, abused and raped.

"Is that all?"

She shook her head and did not stop the tears from filling her eyes. "When he had me…on the ground, I knew what he wanted to do. I kept trying to fight him but then I…I panicked. I know you're not supposed to do that but I was losing and I…I…" Her voice caught in her throat as she lost control again, this time over her tears.

Like every good shrink's office, a box of tissues was always nearby. Dr. Cargill was very patient, waiting for Lisbon to be ready again.

It took a while but Lisbon was able to draw in a shaky breath and explain. "He slammed my head down on the ground a few times…that's when things got blurry. I lost all control over my thoughts…everything. It was like all I could do was watch."

One eyebrow lifted. "Like an out of body experience"

She shook her head. "No it was more like I was locked in my mind. I was seeing through my own eyes, watching as all of this was going on. I could see my hands fighting and scratching and I could…I could feel the pain but it was all…distant. Far away. Everything was fuzzy, I barely knew what I was doing…not until I got into the hospital. I knew what was happening, but I had no control."

Then Dr. Cargill asked another surprising question. "Have you ever experienced something like that before?"

Tell the truth, that was the best way to do this right?

Lisbon hesitated before nodding slowly. "Once." She looking the doctor in the eye. "My father was an alcoholic and sometimes…most of the time, he would get angry. When I was fourteen, he was mad because I'd gotten home late without calling…and he'd been drinking a lot that day."

Now more painful memories resurfaced but Lisbon couldn't seem to stop her mouth from speaking. "He hit me. I fell to the ground but then he just…he just kept on doing it. Hitting me over and over again. And I just lay there, I saw him raising his fists, I felt that pain…but I didn't have any control over what _I_ was doing."

"Did you go into a similar state of shock?"

She nodded again. "My brothers finally pulled him away. It was all a blur but they said I just got up and walked over to my room and just sat down on my bed for over an hour. I was bleeding all over the place but I…I didn't say or do anything, not until my brothers finally shook me out of it."

The doctor made another note on the pad. "What did you do after that?"

Now Lisbon's eyes hardened with a fierce edge. "The next day, I signed up for a self defense class at the community center. The next time my father tried to hit me, _he_ was on the ground and _I_ was in control."

"You take pride in that."

"I defended myself," Lisbon explained, "I liked having that control, having that power over my own life."

Nancy's face was serious. "You're speaking in past tense. Do you not have that power now?"

That fleeting moment of bravado passed very quickly and Lisbon's face fell. "No…no I don't. Obviously I can't defend myself anymore…I failed."

Dr. Cargill studied her for a long moment. "In our last session you equated your attack to your job. Do you believe that what happened to you is a reflection on your career in law enforcement."

Lisbon was quiet and she stared at her hands as they crumbled a tissue in a ball, then began to shred it into tiny pieces. "I protect people. That's what I do. How do I tell someone that I can keep them safe if…if I can't protect myself?" She looked back up at the doctor. "I'm a cop. That's who I am, it's my whole life and now…now I don't know. I don't know how to be anyone else…but I don't think I am that person anymore either."

"You feel like you lost your identity." Nancy tilted her head a little. "Who do you think you are Teresa?"

The name Lavinia was the first thing that came to Lisbon's mind but she squashed that thought before it could ever slip past her lips. Instead she told only a half-truth. "I don't know. All I do know…is that I hate her."

Nancy leaned back in her seat. "It sounds like you are afraid that you will never be yourself again."

"I'm not myself," Lisbon explained. "I used to be confident and strong and…I knew, I _knew_ who I was. I was a cop. I don't know how to be anything else. I don't know how to be a victim."

"Are you angry?"

Lisbon nodded. "All of the time. I'm angry at _him_, for doing this to me. But mostly I'm angry at myself."

"You blame yourself."

"I'm cop. I know how to fight. How to defend myself. But when someone came up behind me and grabbed me…I couldn't fight him off. And when he had me on the ground and…was on top of me...I…I panicked." Her voice cracked and angry tears spilled down her cheeks, "And after the first couple of…_thrusts_…I gave up…I stopped fighting and just let him own me."

Her jaw was set as she looked into the other woman's eyes. "I did that. So really Dr. Cargill, who else can I blame?"

Dr. Cargill didn't answer but Lisbon didn't want one.

She'd already spoken the truth.

* * *

><p>Since the others were busy going through Lisbon's complaint files, Jane did his duty of getting them donuts and coffee. It beat going through boring files. He set the repast down on Cho's desk. All of them had a stack of files on their desks. They would look at them and then place them on an ever growing pile of rejects.<p>

"All me?" he pointed to the tall stacks.

"Is it at all disconcerting to you that your list of enemies is constantly growing?" Grace asked him.

Jane smiled and picked up a donut. "Just the spice of life."

"Remember that the next time you get abducted and handcuffed to a pipe," Cho said.

"Touché." He took a bite from his donut and met eyes with Rigsby. "Any leads?"

"Nothing solid," Rigsby said.

"Wait, here's one that has nothing to do with Jane," Grace called out. They all turned to give her their attention, but noticed her shoulders slump. "Never mind, it's a woman."

Cho looked over the file in his hands. "Peter Hendrix was angry that Lisbon shot at his car as he tried to escape."

Grace picked up the list of guests at the fundraiser. After a careful scan, she shook her head. "No, he wasn't there."

Rigsby opened up a folder. "Hey, here's one. John Bowman, arrested for murder six years ago. He complained that she broke his thumb during the arrest."

"I remember that," Cho said, "The guy felt her up."

Jane nodded. "Now that's interesting."

Grace typed in the name on her computer and waited for the page to load. A couple seconds later she was shaking her head at them. "It says he's still in prison."

"Maybe he hired someone," Rigsby suggested.

His three teammates met his eyes with matching looks. "Who would hire a rapist to settle a score?" Cho said for them all.

Rigsby ducked his head down and shrugged. "Just thinking outside the box."

Jane chuckled. "Creative, Rigsby, but unlikely."

Rigsby tossed the worthless file into the discard stack, but his elbow knocked over his pile of unread folders. He let out a curse and left his chair to gather them back up. One of them had slid across the floor towards Grace's desk. He frowned when he picked it up. He knelt there on the floor and surveyed it carefully. "Kyle Hathaway."

"The reporter?" Grace asked.

"Yeah, wasn't he at the party?"

She flipped back to her list and nodded. "Yeah, he was."

Rigsby frowned at the folder while he returned to his desk. Jane abandoned his half-eaten donut and walked over to his colleague. The others soon followed.

"Lisbon broke his camera, right?" Grace asked.

Rigsby nodded. "Hathaway said she used excessive force. Lisbon said it was an accident. Since he was trespassing, they convinced him to let it go."

"He was here at the CBI before the fundraiser," Jane said, "He was definitely holding a grudge."

There is was, that crackle of excitement that came from having a viable lead. Maybe, just maybe, there was hope that this would be over.

"I'll get the surveillance video," Rigsby said, ripping open his desk drawer and finding the disk right on top.

"Find his articles too," Jane said, "He hated Lisbon, I'm sure he was all over this."

Grace nodded and went to work on her computer while Rigsby and Cho scrolled through the surveillance. Jane decided to stand behind them and watch. "There he is," Cho pointed when Hathaway first arrived at the party.

They carefully tracked his movements. Mostly he mingled with the people, writing down observations in his notebook. His posture and black looks told Jane that the man hadn't really wanted to be there. "Look here, he's talking to Lisbon," Rigsby said.

"He is?" Grace asked from her desk.

"Yeah."

Their conversation lasted less than two minutes and the look Hathaway gave her as she walked away said that it hadn't been a pleasant one. "Very interesting," Jane said, "Fast forward so we're close to the time of the attack.

At 11:23 Lisbon left through the side door, unknowingly to an life changing event. At 11:26, Hathaway left the ballroom and went through the front exit, past security. "A little early to be going home," Jane mused aloud.

"It's got to be him, right?" Rigsby said, "He has motive and he's outside the building at the time of the attack."

"We need question him and security, see if they remember seeing him when he left," Cho said. He was acting completely professional, but Jane could see in his eyes that spark of hope.

"Hey, I've got those articles," Grace called from her desk.

Immediately, they abandoned the security footage to crowd around Grace's desk. She pointed at her computer screen, glancing over one shoulder at them. "This was his first article. It was published the day after the attack."

Mostly, it was a typical article about the attack. Since few official details had actually been given to the press at that point, Hathaway had sold the angle of describing the ball then leading up to the grand event.

"Hmm," Jane said after a quick, second glance, "His wording there." He pent down to point his finger at the line in question. "_Agent Lisbon's brutal assault occurred just outside the plaza where over a hundred of her colleagues mingled amongst themselves._"

"What about it?" Rigsby asked.

"Just blatantly harsh, is all," he said, "He clearly has a vendetta against the CBI, a personal grudge."

"Over a camera?"

"No, definitely not that. This is much more than that trivial complaint," Jane said. His mind was whirring with different possibilities, going through that mental catalogue in search of any memory that would stand out. Unfortunately, he kept away from the press so he couldn't think of any instance with Hathaway that would explain this. It was possible that this had nothing to do with a homicide case, that would mean investigating Hathaway's personal life.

"There's more," Grace said, clicking away that article to bring up another one. "He wrote this one three days ago. It's an opinion piece where he gives his full account of his time at the fundraiser and his interactions with Lisbon.

"_I have spoken with Agent Lisbon on a number of occasions, but only in a professional sense_," Cho read, "_That being said, I still find it utterly unbelievable that someone I know and respect would be so viciously attacked._"

"You can actually hear him lying through his teeth," Jane commented, his tone dry and bitter. Cho let out a murmur of agreement.

Grace scrolled down on the screen, letting out a huff of indignation at the words that Hathaway had penned. She stopped and highlighted a passage. "Look at this, he mentions the alley with the dumpster and the gang graffiti on the wall."

"That wasn't released to the press," Rigsby said.

Jane could see it in all of their eyes, that spark of hope that this was their man. Even he wanted to give himself over to that sensation, but Cho kept his head together. "This guy has broken into crime scene's before," he reminded them, "Right now, we put him at the top of our suspect list. Let's bring him in for questioning."

"I'd like to talk to his coworkers," Jane said.

"Really?" Grace asked.

"This anger to the CBI and Lisbon isn't just about the camera incident," he explained, "And Hathaway is an obnoxious workaholic, ergo this has to deal with his job."

Cho gave him a curt nod. "Van Pelt, you and Jane go to the _Sac Chronicle_. We'll check into his home life."

They all gathered their things and left the bullpen with anxious steps. They were a long ways from making a case, even Jane wasn't quite convinced that Hathaway was their guy, but they were getting somewhere. Maybe. They finally had a maybe.

* * *

><p>The offices of the <em>Sac Chronicle<em> were exactly how a newsroom should be, a mess of people scurrying here and there with computer keys clacking out the latest news. It was probably one of the least desirable places Jane could think of, a poorly lit building that was solely designed to revel in the miseries of the world. But the team was determined to follow this lead, that included Jane.

Kyle Hathaway was the liaison with the CBI and the SACPD, if any major case came up then he was the one that first got the tip. His contacts also meant he was the envy of his other reporters, coupled with his general superior attitude and it meant his coworkers were not counted among his fans. This was good news, they were eager to talk about him.

"The guy is an ass," Cub reporter Jan Martin said immediately. Jane and Grace exchanged looks; they were in complete agreement with her assessment.

Jane remembered Lisbon's own assessment of Hathaway, '_The King of all assholes_'. "That is a popular answer," he noted with a slight smirk.

His humor set Jan and her fellow colleague Greg Bensfield at ease. "Kyle isn't the most gracious of coworkers," Greg explained, "he thinks he's a big shot, as if this paper lives or dies from his articles." He rolled his eyes at that comment.

"Yeah," Jan agreed, "We were all kind of excited because it looked like he was going to be fired soon."

Now that was interesting, "Really?" Grace asked.

Jan nodded, "Oh yeah, Vance, our editor, told Hathaway that if he didn't come up with a real story soon then he was out of here."

"But Hathaway is the major crimes reporter," Grace pointed out, "You'd think that would be easy."

"Major crimes reporter that was banned from CBI crime scenes," Greg explained.

"Because of Lisbon," Jane inferred.

He nodded, "After he tried to file a complaint against her, she banned him from any scene she was on, most of the other units followed suit and you know the locals get their cue from you guys so…he was screwed."

"Sounds like he had a lot of reasons to be angry with Lisbon."

"You can say that again," Jan said with a very unladylike snort, "God how many times did we have to hear about the 'psychotic bitch from the CBI'? He was so paranoid about it too, all 'she was out to get me'. It was so ridiculous."

"After Vance threatened to fire him he went on a rant about how he was going to sue Lisbon for compensation," Greg finished with a low laugh and then a bereft sigh, "course he's not leaving _now_."

"What's changed?" Grace asked.

"Are you kidding?" Jan said, "He was at the CBI fundraiser _when_ the attack happened. I mean that's like the dream, to literally be the first at a scene. So many people would _kill_ for that kind of a scoop."

Jane really didn't like how they were talking about Lisbon's rape as if it was a good thing. From the way Grace flinched and shifted in her stance, she was upset by it as well. He wasn't surprised; this was something that a lot of journalists did, reveled in the pain of others for their own careers.

"Not only did he land a major story, but he also gets to indulge in his favorite assignment," Greg began.

"Making the CBI look bad," Jane finished for him.

Greg blinked. "Yeah, how'd you know that?"

"I read his lizard brain," Jane said, "that and four of his most recent articles were directly questioning the CBI and the investigation."

"Well you didn't hear this from me," Greg leaned over and whispered dramatically, "but I think he's rooting for you guys to fail."

"Well we plan to disappoint him," Jane stated simply.

Grace darted her eyes to her friend before smiling nicely at the two reporters, "Thank you for your time."

"Sure," Jan said, "Any chance you'll tell us why you want to know about Hathaway." She was fishing for scoop and it was painfully obvious.

Jane smiled at her, "You keep looking, Jan, you'll find your story soon." Before both he and Grace walked away.

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"Do you think he did it?"

Rigsby's question hung in the air for a long time. It was something they all were considering, even more so now with the added information that Hathaway's coworkers had provided. They wanted it to be over now; they wanted to finally have an affirmative answer to finally put this case to rest. None of them wanted to go to Lisbon and tell her that they still didn't have him.

"He hated Lisbon," Grace offered up, "I mean he really, _really_ hated her. She almost ruined his career."

"Which got better when he was there the night she was attacked," Rigsby pointed out, "you want to talk about motive? Not only does he get to have some personal revenge but also saves his job."

Cho nodded his head but his face was as impassive as ever. "He was at the fundraiser, disappeared during the time frame. He didn't show up again until long after the scene was secure, plenty of time to clean up and come back."

Grace turned towards the only member of the group who hadn't spoken yet. "Jane, what do you think?"

Jane had been silent while the rest of the team had been theorizing. He was sitting in a chair by Rigsby's desk looking at the freeze framed photo of Lisbon leaving out of the side exit, the time stamp clearly visible.

"Jane?" Rigsby asked, "Do you think Hathaway did it."

He looked up then with a blank expression on his face. "I think Hathaway has motive and the drive to do something like this…and if it were somebody other than Lisbon then I would say yes."

That surprised all of them. "You're saying that you don't think it's him?"

Jane shook his head.

Grace couldn't take that answer without some sort of explanation. "Why not? Why not Hathaway? You were there, you heard what his coworkers said."

"Yes I did, and I agree that he has the passion and anger to commit like this."

"But you _don't_ think he did it."

He was completely calm, in contrast to Grace's frustration. "Whoever did this crime not only knew Lisbon was a cop but also knew how to subdue her. Hathaway fits every criteria…except there is no evidence to suggest he has knowledge of how to take down someone like her."

Grace was taken aback by that fact. "But he's…he's bigger, stronger."

"I'm stronger than her," Jane pointed out, "and I wouldn't want to tangle with Lisbon."

"She'd kill you," Cho deadpanned.

Jane turned around and pointed at Cho with a small smile. "Exactly."

Silence followed that point as they all realized that there was a gaping hole in their latest find. "So," Grace began quietly, "you don't think we should bring him in."

"I didn't say that." Three pairs of eyes stared at him in equal parts shock and frustration. "We can't ignore what we know. Maybe if we talk to him, we'll know for sure if he has the ability to do something like this."

And just like that. They had a suspect.

* * *

><p>The Sacramento International Airport was as crowded as it normally was, Lisbon had been there several times either rushing with her team to catch a flight to another part of California or embarking on another family get together that she silently dreaded. Of course today she wasn't the one who had a plane to catch.<p>

Still, she walked with Tommy into the airport with mixed emotions. She wanted him to go back to Chicago but she knew urging him to leave was hurting his feelings, but staying with her was doing the same thing. It was better this way; she wouldn't feel guilty for not feeling guilty if he was no longer there. Besides, the last thing she wanted was for him to be constantly looking for the sister that had disappeared in that alley along with her dignity.

That was the problem. Agent Teresa Lisbon was gone and she had no idea where she was…or if she could be found again.

Lisbon looked around the crowded building carefully. She couldn't shake this uneasy feeling now, she didn't like being surrounded by so many people, so many strangers. It was weird, she never used to feel this way, but that was before when she thought she could protect herself.

All she could do was keep a wary eye out and avoid being touched by anyone.

Tommy checked into his flight, collected his boarding pass before turning back to look at his sister. She saw so much uncertainty in his eyes.

"You have everything right?"

He nodded, "I didn't pack much, I was in a hurry so…" his voice trailed off and he fiddled with the handle of his bag. It took a while for him to meet her eyes again. "I don't have to go, Reese, I can stay a little longer—"

"No," she cut him off before he could continue, "You need to go back, you have Annie and I'm…I _will_ be okay."

"I just want to help you, Reese."

"You've done everything you can," Lisbon explained to him gently. "I have to do this on my own."

"No, you—"

"Yes I do," She told him. "I know you don't understand and I don't expect you to…I just…" She shook her head and drew in another breath. "I need to do this my way, Tommy. I know you don't like it but it's what I have to do."

Tommy studied her for a long time before he somberly nodded his head. "Okay." He looked down at his ticket. "My flight leaves soon so I should…"

"Yeah, I know."

Now it was an awkward moment as they both wondered what they should do now. Under normal circumstances there would be a loving embrace along with the goodbyes. But Tommy knew all to well that she didn't want to be touched. She still felt afraid and sad; she knew that this was for the best. That the longer Tommy stayed the more she would hurt him. He had done everything right; he had tried so hard to put the pieces of his shattered sister back together. It wasn't his fault that she was so messed up. And here it almost seemed like she was ungrateful. She had put him through so much. She needed to let him know that it wasn't unappreciated.

So Lisbon took a step forward and wrapped her arms around her brother. It took a moment for Tommy to do the same, but he leaned down and embraced her sweetly, holding her tightly to him.

"I love you, Reese."

Lisbon nodded meekly; it was taking every ounce of her strength to keep from shaking. Her voice was unsteady and small. "I love you too." Then she bit her lip and closed her eyes, trying very hard to keep the absolute revulsion she felt from showing.

After a short time, Tommy released her and Lisbon took a step back, fighting the urge to flee. But her brother looked much more at ease now that she'd hugged him, what he didn't know was that she'd hated every second of it.

"I'll call you when I get home," he promised.

"I'll be waiting," she replied and quietly stood by as he walked away. He turned around once to look at her and wave, she waved back, before watching as he disappeared into the security line.

Only when he was gone did she move.

First it was a simple walk but as she began to get further from him her pace quickened until she was practically jogging back to her car. She needed to get away. Away from the crowds, away from the people that seemed to be staring at her, and away from her brother who refused to accept the fact that his sister might be irreparably damaged.

She almost sobbed in relief when she made it to her car. She slammed the door shut and clutched the steering wheel, chocking back tears. Now she let her body shake, let her fear and disgust show. Sure she'd allowed someone other than Jane to touch her but that had been only because she'd forced herself.

Just like _he_ had forced himself on her.

Lisbon bit down on her knuckle as she tried to erase that thought from her mind. That was wrong, she shouldn't equate hugging her brother to being raped.

But it didn't stop her from feeling so dirty.

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It was a long drive back to her apartment but Lisbon could barely remember a minute of it. She was running on autopilot now. No one was around and it was dead quiet while she walked up to her place and unlocked the door to slip inside.

Her home was exactly as it was before except Tommy's few things were now gone. It was quiet and calm. Now she was alone. Exactly how she was used to being. Most nights were spent coming home to her apartment being just like this, she would sit on her couch and do some paperwork, eat some Chinese take-out and maybe watch a movie or something on TV. That was how she used to do things, back when she knew who she was and what she was doing.

Now Lisbon took a seat on her couch. She didn't turn on the television or grab a book. She just sat down quietly, wrapping her arms around her, her cast clutched close.

She felt chilled but not the kind of cold that a warm blanket could fix. No, this came from the sadness that weighted her down.

A noise made her jump, her mind immediately expecting danger. But that rational side of her brain reminded her that it was just the soft sound of her air conditioner kicking in. Still her heart continued to race.

Now she rubbed her arms and jittered around nervously, almost like an addict caught in withdrawal. She felt restless but wasn't sure why. Her eyes darted around her room, the familiar furniture that she knew well. But like when she was in her office, she felt like a stranger here.

The silence was pressing on her, crushing her chest until she couldn't breathe anymore. There had to be some way to make this go away, some way to make herself feel safe.

Only one thing came to mind.

Lisbon stood up and grabbed her car keys before leaving her apartment once more.

* * *

><p>Kyle Hathaway was more than a little annoyed being brought into the CBI, in fact he called for his lawyer immediately and then sat down in the interrogation room and sulked for several minutes. Lisbon's team couldn't care less about how the reporter felt; at least three of them were certain that he could be the one who raped their friend.<p>

Cho was the one who was going in to interrogate him along with Jane, no way was Jane missing out on this. As soon as the two men entered the room, Hathaway began his long string of complaints. "I cannot believe I am being treated this way. I demand to know what is going on, I want to see my lawyer _now_!"

"Sit down," Cho told him simply, not batting an eye at Hathaway's outrage, "We have some questions for you."

That was when Hathaway noticed Jane and it was no surprise that he recognized him. "Patrick Jane, Lisbon's psychic consultant. Seems like every major case has your name attached to it, I guess you wouldn't be interested in an interview."

Jane actually gave him a small smile. "That's a good guess." He had fun shooting that one down.

He and Cho took a seat across from Hathaway who was still trying to figure out Jane's remark; it was a subtler response than he was used to. Usually he just got a "No" or a punch in the face. "Fine, what am I supposed to have done? If this is harassment because of my articles well then you can certainly expect a lawsuit."

"Well that's something to look forward to," Jane replied which earned him an annoyed look from Cho.

Cho was the one who got down to the business. "We have some questions about the CBI fundraiser."

That made Hathaway pause and give something of a smug look. "So this is about my articles."

"Actually it's about this," Cho put down the file that contained Hathaway's complaint, "You had some very harsh opinions about Lisbon."

"Agent Lisbon overreacted and destroyed some valuable property," Hathaway explained, his whole manner bespoke his anger and he immediately went on the defensive. "I was perfectly in my rights to file that complaint and she retaliated by making it impossible for me to do my job."

"Can't have that," Jane said, not even trying to hide his disdain at Hathaway's job.

"It's understandable that you would be angry," Cho said, moving in for the kill.

"Of course I was angry," Hathaway replied.

"You were still angry with her the night of the fundraiser."

"Yes, I was."

"Did you speak with her that night?" They all knew that he had but Cho was trying to catch him in some way.

"Briefly," Hathaway admitted, "I wanted a quote from her about the fundraiser and she refused. She was rude and disrespectful."

"Which is why when you found she'd been hurt you thought 'she had it coming'," Jane cut in. His tone was a bit conversational but he actually felt something akin to disgust for this man.

Hathaway hesitated before lying badly. "No."

"But it did help your career," Jane pointed out, "the first reporter on the scene, and you were able to spin this in a subtle way to make Lisbon look bad, now that's just a bonus."

Hathaway shook his head. "That's not true."

"There's no sense in lying. Someone you didn't like had something terrible happen to them and helped you out," Jane told him with something of a smile, "you must have felt like fate gave you a good hand."

"Unless you did it yourself," Cho finished coldly.

That made the reporter tense up. "What?"

"You were right," Cho explained, "We looked at your articles. You wrote a detailed account of the scene, a _very_ detailed account. Things we didn't tell the press. The only way you could have written about it…is if you'd been there."

"Wait a minute," Hathaway held up his hand in a submissive gesture, "you think _I_ had something to do with this?"

"You were at the fundraiser, you hated Lisbon and you were at the scene," Cho replied, "why shouldn't we think it was you."

For someone who was currently the prime suspect in an assault, excitement isn't the normal expression. But Hathaway lit up like a Christmas tree. "You mean someone at the fundraiser attacked her? You think someone in the CBI did this?"

"Right now he thinks _you_ did this," Jane pointed out.

It finally dawned on Hathaway then that he might be in some serious trouble. "Oh no, you can't pin this on me."

"Then you didn't see the alley where she was raped?" Cho asked.

"No."

Jane shook his head. "You're going to have to learn to lie better than that."

"I'm not lying!"

He just smiled softly at the man. "Yes you are."

Hathaway was quiet for a moment as he considered how best to approach this without getting his head stuck on a platter. Finally he heaved a sigh. "Alright…I was in the alley. But it wasn't until _after_ the attack." He shrugged, "After everyone left I snuck behind the tape, it was just a couple of forensic guys, no one saw me."

Jane and Cho exchanged a look before Jane went in for the real question. "You spend a lot of time around cops. You ever take any defense training?"

"No," Hathaway shrugged, "I figured if they ever hit me I'd just sue them."

That response didn't surprise Jane in the least. "And you never were in the military."

"Nope."

"But you've seen cops work, seen how they fight, how they defend themselves."

Hathaway shrugged again. "Yeah, so?"

Jane was satisfied with that response but there was one glaring detail that still needed to be resolved. Cho was the one who brought it forward. "Where were you during Lisbon's attack?"

"I was at the fundraiser."

"No, we checked the tapes. A lot of people are in the ballroom at the time, just not you."

"I was there! I wasn't anywhere near that alley until _after_ everything went down, I swear!"

Jane looked at him calmly. "What did you do just before you found out about what happened?"

Hathaway shrugged. "I was trying to interview people all night, get a few quotes. I called my editor and talked to him for a while."

"You were begging for your job."

"Hey, it wasn't like that!" Hathaway exclaimed, "I mean sure he wasn't happy with my latest work, I wasn't getting any exclusives—."

"Because of Lisbon," Jane finished.

"Well…yeah," he admitted, "I was trying to sell him on a story but he wasn't interested. I was still talking to him when I heard the sirens," Hathaway explained, "It couldn't have been at a better time."

Jane recoiled a little; completely sickened that Hathaway was getting real pleasure from all of this. Cho obviously was as disgusted as he was.

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Grace was the one who brought up the cell phone records on her computer and declared the news. "He was on the phone with his editor from 11:34 to 12:13."

Rigsby nodded, "That's right in the middle of the attack."

But it was Cho who stated the obvious. "It wasn't him."

Jane was the quiet one. He wasn't all that surprised by this ending, Hathaway hadn't been a perfect fit. But he had to admit that a part of him had hoped, not from any logical reason, but simply a desire for all of this to be over. Hitting this brick wall was becoming all to familiar for any sort of comfort.

"Well we can check his name off the list," Rigsby pointed out, "That's something at least."

Yes it was…but it wasn't nearly enough.

* * *

><p>The new overtime rules being enforced was supposed to give CBI employees more time outside of work. But Jane didn't care for more time to himself, not when he had two goals: find Red John and find Lisbon's rapist. But when seven rolled around he was forced to leave and return to his motel room. The others had all followed suit, their shoulders slumped in disappointment. Sure, he felt the same, but at least he had predicted Hathaway's innocence before. He only wished he could think of another suspect.<p>

The others had all been surprised with their quick hope and then that even faster loss of it. And while Jane hadn't been shocked by today's defeat, he had another surprise waiting for him.

At the top of the stairs that led to his motel room sat Lisbon. Her injuries to her face had healed enough so she had stopped wearing those sunglasses, but she still had her wrist encased in a cast. She had her bad wrist propped up on her knees and her good arm wrapped around her legs. Judging by her ratty sweats, unkempt hair and circles under her eyes, she wasn't having a good day.

Jane stood at the base of the steps and smiled at her. "Hi."

"Hi."

"Did I miss your call? I didn't know you wanted to see me."

"I just decided to drop by," she said, "I figured that I'd wait around for fifteen minutes and then I'd go home."

Jane nodded. "So how long have you been waiting."

"Ten minutes…give or take an hour."

He grinned to keep her at ease, he didn't find this amusing at all. "Forget everything I ever said about your impatience."

The corners of her mouth lifted a little. Well at least that was something.

Jane walked up the steps and offered her a hand up. She accepted it and quietly stood by while he unlocked the door and then followed him inside. He didn't bother to take off his suit coat. Even those without his observation skills could see that they wouldn't be staying there long.

"Would you like some tea?"

"Okay."

She made no comment about his sparse accommodations or suggested that he find a place with an actual kitchen. This wasn't the Lisbon he knew. Each passing day left him more and more worried about her, but he knew he couldn't address this. Right now his game plan was just trying to keep her comfortable.

"So what sprung this impromptu visit?"

Lisbon sat down on his bed. "Tommy left today."

"Oh," he said, "When?"

"Around five."

He filled up two cups with the instant tea and handed one to her. She took one miniscule sip and then just kept her hands wrapped around it. "And when did you come here?"

"Five-thirty."

"You missed me that much?"

The teasing worked in putting a little grin on her face. "No, it's just…after Tommy left…I was alone. That never bothered me before but then I just sat there on my couch and did nothing."

"Isn't that what you normally do?" Jane pointed out.

He was rewarded by an annoyed look from her and then she said, "No, normally I would watch TV or do paperwork or read a book. But this time I just sat there…because I realized that I was alone and that there were tons of places anyone could hide."

Jane nodded and then sat down next to her. "Did you feel safer with Tommy around?"

"I don't know," she said, "I guess when he was here I knew any noise I heard could be him. But once he left, every time I heard something I just immediately wondered if it was _him._" Lisbon shook her head at her tea. "I'm so pathetic."

"No," Jane said, "This is perfectly understandable."

"I sat in my apartment for a half an hour listening to the walls creak and then I came here and waited for you to come home for almost two hours. How is that understandable?"

"Ever since the attack, you've had people around you and that has become a source of comfort," Jane explained, "Now that you're alone, you're feeling vulnerable."

Lisbon looked up from her cup. "I didn't feel that way before. I don't want to be like this. I want this to stop."

"It will."

"When?"

"I don't know," he was forced to admit. He gave her a reassuring smile. "But it will."

She looked away and took another sip of her tea. The rigid set of her shoulders told him that she wasn't so sure. She used to be so certain of herself. He hated how insecure she was and there was little he could do, except be there.

That was his only option.

"Did you drive here?" Jane asked her. She nodded to her cup. "Then I'll follow you home."

Lisbon's head bobbed up immediately to look at him. "You don't have to do that."

"I don't mind."

"I do," she said, "I have to get over this, Jane. I can't come to you like some little girl afraid of the dark."

"Who says?"

"Me."

There was a bit of that stubborn Teresa Lisbon he knew so well. He smiled a little and then stepped towards her. "Lisbon, this isn't like conquering a fear of heights or giving up cigarettes. You can't just climb to the top of the Empire State Building nor can I hypnotize you. The only thing that is going to help you is time. Pushing yourself into something you're uncomfortable with isn't going do you any good. If you're not ready to be alone just yet, then just say so. I'm here. I want to help you."

Lisbon looked down at her cooling tea. "I'm not used to needing help."

"I know."

She peeked back up at him. "You don't mind?" Her voice was small and shy.

Jane just smiled and set down his cup. He took hers from her hands and set it aside. "Not at all."

Lisbon nodded. "Okay, but just for a little while."

"However long you want," he said.

"I can only take you in small doses, remember?"

He let out a small chuckle that made her smile. She let him hold her hand as he led her out of his motel room. It was a start.

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Her home was supposed to be a sanctuary, but Lisbon could feel her heart racing as she walked to her empty apartment. She shouldn't be so frightened. She had weapons, training, she knew her building was safe, but she couldn't shake this insecurity. Jane didn't say a word, just followed her to the door.

Lisbon didn't realize her hands were shaking until she raised her keys to unlock the door. She couldn't fit the key into the lock, it was suddenly a difficult task though she had done it countless times without thinking before. The tip of the key found the lock, but then fumbled out. She tried again and this time the keys slipped from her hand and clattered to the ground.

Exhaling a shaky breath, Lisbon bent down and retrieved them. When she straightened, she felt Jane put his hand on her shoulder. He didn't say anything, but it was enough to calm her frazzled nerves. She took in a deep breath and this time successfully inserted the key into the lock.

The door swung open revealing the empty, dank apartment exactly as she had left it. No lights on, just the fading sun wafting through the curtains. Lisbon found the switch with her good hand and scanned the room carefully with her eyes. Nothing out of place, no sign that anyone had entered and was hiding somewhere waiting to strike.

She let out a sigh of relief and sat down on her couch. She wanted to relax, but she had a feeling she would be tense for the rest of her life. Jane was still silent, but she saw him take off his jacket and drape it over a chair in the kitchen. As much as she wanted him to stay, she couldn't ask that of him.

"Thanks for coming," she said, "but you don't have to stay. I mean, you're probably busy."

"Yes, I have a meeting with the UN at eight," Jane teased.

"Oh God," Lisbon breathed out in a chuckle, "We must be on the brink of World War III if you're involved with international affairs."

Jane laughed lightly, making her smile just a bit. It was nice that he still teased her like he always had before. She knew he did it on purpose, trying to make everything seem almost normal, but she couldn't complain about that. It was only a marginal amount of comfort, but it helped make it seem like her world hadn't completely collapsed.

"I'll only go if you really want me to," Jane said. He lowered his chin in that serious way he did. "Do you want me to?"

She thought about lying. She could say yes, but he would know the truth. He always did. The long wait for her response was answer enough, but she still shook her head.

He didn't affirm her answer, just gave her that reassuring smile of his. "Have you eaten yet?"

"No, but I'm not really hungry."

"Well I'm starving so how about some Chinese? You must have a collection of take-out menus somewhere."

She didn't ask how he knew that about her. That was just Jane. She didn't even tell him where she kept the menus. His first guess was the right one, as always. He asked what she wanted, but she only nodded her head or shrugged in reply to his suggestions. She let him take control. Amazing how things had changed.

Once the order was placed, Jane sat down in a chair next to the couch. She hadn't turned on the TV or anything, just remained there with no idea what she should do. She thought maybe they would sit there in silence until the food arrived, but Jane always had a way of surprising her. "You are safe here, you know that."

She didn't respond.

"But you don't feel safe," he said.

Lisbon shrugged one shoulder and stared at the carpet. This was something she was expected to talk about with Dr. Cargill, but yet she couldn't. She couldn't talk about this with Tommy either. Jane would have been the last person in the world the old Lisbon would want to discuss this with. Now…he was the only one.

"Do you think…he'll come back?" Lisbon's voice cracked over the words.

"No," Jane answered immediately.

"How can you be sure?"

"He had the advantage that night," he said, "You weren't expecting trouble and you were unarmed. He's too much of a coward to attack you here where you have a sizeable arsenal at your disposal."

She could trust his words, but still the fear lingered. "What about out there? Do you think he'd try it again."

Jane shook his head. "No, he…" He hesitated. "…he's not a serial rapist. He won't feel the need to attack again."

Jane wasn't the type to talk around the issue, mostly going for the cut directly. She knew what he really meant to say. "He got what he wanted that night."

She saw him tense, just for a moment, and then he nodded. If Jane was right, and he always was, then she had angered this man to the point where he was compelled to attack her. He had gotten his revenge, now he was sitting comfy with the knowledge that he had taken the one thing that had always been hers: her identity.

"I'm surprised Tommy left if you weren't feeling comfortable by yourself yet," Jane said, breaking the silence before it could completely fill the room, "Unless you didn't tell him that."

Lisbon shook her head. "I needed him to go. I was hurting him."

"How so?"

That feeling that she could share her feelings with him vanished faster than the weak flame of a candle. What would he think of her if she told him that she just didn't care anymore? She couldn't lose him, not when he was the only thing that made her feel normal.

"You want some tea? I'll make some tea." She leapt up from the couch and was fully prepared to launch herself into the kitchen, but Jane grabbed her hand. He gave her a gentle tug that sent her back to the couch.

"Lisbon, what happened today when you dropped Tommy off at the airport?"

She glared at him. "Why do you think something happened?"

"Lisbon," he said, "Come on."

She sighed, drawing her knees up to her chest and locking her arms around them. "Jane, I just…I don't know if I can talk about this."

He nodded twice. "That's all right. You don't have to talk about it or anything."

Lisbon was actually stunned for a moment. Everyone had been urging her to talk when she didn't want to, now Jane was telling her to take her time. Maybe that was why she let him touch her, because out of everyone in her life he was the one who could understand.

"I, uh, I hugged him…at the airport."

"That's good," he said.

Lisbon shook her head. "Not really. I didn't want to do it, I only did it so he would think I was okay, so he would leave."

Jane just bobbed his head again. "I think I understand what you are saying."

"Do you?" she asked, "Do you really want to know why I made my brother go?" He didn't say anything, but silence with Jane usually had a meaning. This time she guessed that he was willing her to speak. "I made him go because I just don't care anymore. I don't care if I hurt him, if I upset him, I just want him to leave me alone. I just want everyone to leave me alone. I don't want to hurt them, but I don't care if I do. All I feel is anger…and pain and…I just can't make myself care about any of the people around, I don't feel any empathy. It's like I've lost my ability to feel human."

She met his eyes again though it took every ounce of her courage to do so. "I don't suppose you can understand that."

Jane didn't blink or turn away in disgust. What he said next surprised her. "Actually, I can. I felt the same way…once."

No need to divulge what he meant. "Oh," she said instead, feeling relief at that knowledge. She wasn't alone in this. Jane had been just as selfish once and he had recovered. He no longer cared only for himself. Maybe there was hope for her after all.

"When did you start to care again?" she asked. Jane had been through the worst kind of tragedy she could think of, a thousand times worse than this. If he could get over it then so could she, maybe even faster.

"July 23, 2003."

Lisbon frowned at him. "So specific?"

He gave her a warm smile. "That was the day I met you."

Lisbon wasn't sure whether to blush or to smile back. Instead she did neither, opting to stare down at her knees. Yes, it was an honor to be the first person Jane had cared about since the murder of his wife and daughter, but what did that mean for her? How would she begin to recover?

She forgot that she was dealing with a mind reader. Jane reached over and put one hand on her knee. "Lisbon, don't worry about us. Don't think about if you're hurting us or if you can't feel anything about anyone right now. You need to focus on you. If there was any a time for you to put aside your goals for sainthood, it's now. When you're ready, you'll know it."

Lisbon wasn't sure if she believed him, he probably knew that too. But she didn't say anything out loud. Instead, she decided to pretend to be normal and put on the TV. Jane knew that meant she was done talking and he did as she wanted. They just sat there and observed the world of entertainment, all of it's false hopes and empty promises, until their food arrived.

Jane ate heartily but she still lacked much of an appetite. She choked down what she could, which wasn't much at all. She thought she caught one dismaying look from Jane, but he had it covered up again in a flash. She felt a tiny amount of guilt there, just a smidgen of that still distant emotion from her past, but it compelled her to take a few more spoonfuls of rice.

They watched TV a little longer after they were both done with dinner and then Jane convinced her to take her sleeping pills. She did it in the vain hope that maybe, just maybe she wouldn't have nightmares this time. She also guessed that Jane was planning on leaving once she was out. Even though she wanted to, she couldn't ask him to spend the night. Never in the years that she had known him had Jane asked for a sleepover from her, no matter how innocent it was meant. He could deal with solitude. She needed to do the same.

So when she went to bed, she bid him goodnight and lay there waiting to hear the front door open and close. The minutes ticked by and still she heard nothing. Eventually it got too hard to keep her eyes open while waiting for the one person she actually wanted to leave.

_It was dark again, no speck of light to be found anywhere. And it was cold. Lisbon felt around the blackness, seeking that elusive way out, but it just seemed to go on forever. "Hello?" she called out, "Is anyone there?"_

_ Her words mocked back at her in the stillness._

_ She kept walking, kept searching, but there was no escape. "Help me! Somebody, help me, please!"_

_ That was when she felt that hand wrap around her ankle. Fear, hot and fast, flooded her system. She jerked her foot free and made to run._

_ Then another hand grabbed her arm. Two hands swiftly circled her ankles. Another latched onto her shoulder. She tried to scream but then a hand clamped over her mouth._

_ None of these hands moved. Instead, more hands piled onto her body. They ripped away her clothes, pawed at her breasts and between her legs. They staked claim on her body, cruel an unrelenting in their hard exploration of their new property._

_ She struggled. Kicked her legs, wrenched at her arms, tried to bite the hands that gagged her, but it did no good. Then she felt the breath._

_ It was a hot, gust of air followed by a breathy laugh. She knew that laugh. She knew there was no escape._

_ She fought, thrashed, did everything she could think of to get away. But he had won. He would always win._

_ The two hands that clutched her arms shook her again and again. The hand the had her mouth captive fell away._

Lisbon woke up with a loud gasp, or what she thought was a gasp. Her scream actually echoed in her ears.

"Lisbon." Jane's voice was so sweet that she actually choked out his name in a sob.

He was sitting on her bed, his hands still clutching her shoulders from when he had shaken her awake. She didn't think about it, just pushed her head into his chest and he wrapped his arms around her.

He had stayed. He hadn't left like she had thought he would. He actually stayed. Now he was whispering into her hair, "Shh," he said, "it's okay. You're okay."

She wasn't though. She could still feel those hands mapping out her body, caressing her flesh with an evil intent. "They were all over me," she sobbed out.

"What was?"

"Hands. Just hands."

Lisbon pulled away from him and rubbed at her arms and legs, touching every part of her body that those phantom hands had touched. Her entire body was shaking with revulsion. She needed to scrub the sin away. "I need to wash them off," she said, "I can't take this."

She swung her legs over the side to stand up, but Jane gently pushed her back down and shook his head. "You don't need to do that."

"They were touching me."

"It wasn't real."

"Yes it was."

Jane stared into her eyes for a while. She wasn't sure what he was looking for, maybe just trying to hypnotize her with only his gaze. Then his hand reached up, slowly rose until his fingers brushed up against her cheek. "You don't have to wash it away," he said.

She didn't respond. She couldn't. Not when he was looking at her like that.

Then his hand trailed down from her cheek, caressing her throat and then stopping at her shoulder. He gently swept up and down her arm, his other hand following suit. Everywhere his hands touched, the tremors ceased to exist. He ran his hands down her entire body, careful to stay away from her intimate parts. She was grateful for that.

Finally, the shaking was gone. The need to bathe was gone too. But she still had no desire to go back to sleep, nor did she want to let Jane go. She clung to the collar of his shirt with pearly white knuckles when he moved an inch away from her.

Jane calmly untangled her hands from his shirt, pressing a kiss to each one. He didn't stand up and leave. He moved towards her, wrapped both of his arms around her middle and gently easing her back down onto the bed. He tucked himself in beside her.

It wasn't quite the fantasy the old Lisbon had used to imagine in secret. There were no loving words, no drugging kisses or even the desire to carry it past this. She just wanted to feel him there. His touch that could wipe away the wicked strokes of a monster, his warm breath in her ear urging her to sleep with the promise that he wouldn't leave her, that was all that she needed.

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><p>For the first time in years Jane woke up with a woman in his arms. It hadn't been a part of his plans necessarily; he had just been supposed to hold her until she fell asleep. But when he finally did hear her deep even breathing he'd decided to wait a little longer, just to make sure she slept soundly. Then he had succumbed to the lure of Hypnos himself.<p>

Now he was slowly rousing and he could feel the solidly built woman in his arms, her back was settled in against his chest and her long dark hair was splayed on her pillow and near his face, he could smell her the floral scene of her shampoo. Lisbon shifted just a little in her sleep, pressing herself closer to Jane, her backside rubbing against his normal morning arousal.

That realization made him tense up. Lisbon was still dealing with the trauma of being raped, if she woke up now and felt…_that_. He could lose every single gain he'd made in regards to her trust. He couldn't fail her now.

Jane was careful; thankfully he had the well-practiced control of a carnival theatric. He was able to extradite himself from Lisbon's person so skillfully that she didn't even stir. He made sure she was settled in comfortably in her bed before very quietly backing out of the room.

He didn't allow himself to actually give into his emotions until he was in the living room. He was still trying to regain some modicum of control over his own body, it had been far too long since he'd ever touched a woman like that, now his blood was still surging, willing him to give into his more primitive instincts. But that was the absolute worse thing that he could do, Lisbon was nowhere near ready for anything like that. She was still coming to terms with the all encompassing fear of being raped by a stranger, revealing that he had his own attractions towards her person would only cause her more pain.

It didn't escape his notice though that the only qualms he had were about Lisbon.

He didn't feel any guilt for desiring another woman besides his wife and he didn't feel any shame. Right now all he felt was an extreme need to protect Lisbon, to be whatever it was that she needed him to be and that meant staying close to her.

It was still unsettling. After years of keeping absolutely everyone at a distance it was hard to finally bridge that gap. Yes there was a strong bond between Lisbon and himself but there had also been a certain level of detachment, they could share thoughts and meals but the never took that to anywhere physical. Before her attack Jane could only count once or twice when he had actually hugged Lisbon. But now…now he was holding her in his arms all night. But he hadn't minded…in fact he had rather enjoyed it.

Jane was beginning to realize that Lisbon wasn't the only one who was changing because of this. But in his case it was dredging up old emotions that he had long since thought dead or dormant. He had to put aside the shackles he had placed around his heart; he no longer could keep Lisbon at a distance. No, now he had to bring her in as close as possible.

Despite all of his best efforts to prevent it…he felt like his own pain was fading into a dull ache.

Perhaps it was inevitable, perhaps this was how it always was. That by helping someone else to heal, he would begin to heal himself.

The idea frightened him almost as much as it excited him. Did he want this? If it would mean saving Lisbon…yes, yes he did. But it was terrifying as well. She was so fragile, so broken, if he failed…then she would be shattered beyond repair and he would tumble back into an even deeper pit than the one he was crawling out of.

But he had no choice. He had to try. And trying would mean bringing Lisbon closer which would mean opening his heart.

Then that is what he would do.

Jane felt something akin to relief, like a weight was lifted. The choice was made, now he could stop agonizing over what to do and focus on actually doing it. He slowly rose to his feet and crept back upstairs, not to sleep but to lie back down beside her.

He didn't want her to wake up alone.

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><p>AN: Okay ya'll you can strike Hathaway off the list of suspects, he didn't rape Lisbon. Any other ideas on who it is? Are you happy with the Jisbon stuff at the end? Did it make the wait worth it? Well please tell us!

Next chapter things start to go downhill as Jane finds out Lisbon's new reading material and does NOT take it well. Meanwhile two familiar faces show up again to try and help Lisbon but one will end up doing more harm than good and Grace finally goes to see Lisbon but does it actually help them? You'll have to wait and see.

Remember! Please follow me on twitter Nerwen_Aldarion, I will update you guys on how the next chapter is going. Chat me up and I'll give you sneak peeks!


	8. For Whom My Tears Have Made Me Blind

Disclaimer: We own absolutely nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Okay folks, is this soon enough? A little over a week after we posted chapter 7, here is chapter 8. A lot of people seemed to enjoy the final scene with Jane and Lisbon in chapter 7, that was a great moment where I think you guys can see where we plan on going with Jane and Lisbon's relationship. But now things have to get a bit dark again, but the darkest storm is always followed by sunshine. The Chapter title does come from the play, Act V Scene III.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Yeah, I was proud of that scene with Jane and Lisbon in the last chapter. This one isn't so much on the Jisbon side, but don't worry we'll return to that soon enough. I hope you guys like the two familiar faces. One of them I'm sure you guys won't be expecting. So carry on with the show and be sure to review.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**mmm:** Well it will end eventually, but we are no where near that point yet so you'll have a wait. I hope this update was quick enough for you! I'm proud that it took only a little over a week this time. You are the FIRST person to notice that Lisbon's cross is gone! Congratulations! Yes her rapist took her mother's cross too and actually that will play a MAJOR role later on when they finally figure out who he is... Yes Jane did have an epiphany at the end didn't he? He's realizing that he can't seperate himself from Lisbon's life anymore, that she needs him just as much as he needs her and by opening himself up to this...well there is no going back. Oh it can get better than him cuddling her in bed...it can get A LOT better *smirks* Just you wait and see!

**Justsomeone:** OMG I love you! You had no way to know this but "My Skin" has been the official song for this story ever since we first came up with it. ANY time I want to get in the mood for this fic I put on "My Skin", it really does fit the tone of this story perfectly! "Poison and Wine" is also a song we both love! You are awesome! Keep those vids coming and we hope you enjoy this chapter.

**123TellMeYouLoveMe:** I'm glad you are following me on twitter! I do update it now. Well we're glad that we got you to feel what Lisbon is feeling, it means we are doing our job well. Tin did such a good job with the Jisbon scenes at the end didn't she? The part with Lisbon at his hotel room was written months ago, we wanted to show how vulnerable she is. Yes I've gone back and reread the scene with Jane "washing" away her anxiety over and over and over again, Tin can just make a moment magical like that. It is sensual and beautiful at the same time. Jane's little morning after bit was something I really wanted to put in, it's a natural reaction that I wanted him to realize also meant something more. He knows now that he has to heal her and he is terrified that he will fail but he has to try, he knows this means opening up those doors he's kept closed for so long because he has to help her. If you want to comment on every scene, well we won't stop you, the more in depth the review the better! Thanks for the massive compliment, you make us smile every time you review.

NOTE: I made a desktop for this fic, the link is on my profile but there is a bit of a spoiler warning as one of the images depicts a future scene with Lisbon. BTW the images are from different depictions of Lavinia except for one which is of Lucrece.

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><p>Chapter 8: For Whom My Tears Have Made Me Blind<p>

It was starting to become something of a routine in the last few weeks, Jane stopping by Lisbon's place to check up on her. He didn't have to hide the fact that he was worried about her, she didn't seem to mind when he came over. Jane hadn't had to spend the night again after that one time but it was not uncommon for him to stay until late into the evening. Often times these interactions included some form of physical contact, he knew that she needed to be reminded that someone could touch her. She was comfortable with him, the reasons for that were best left unexplained.

Lisbon opened the door almost as soon as he knocked on her door. "Come in," she told him not bothering with hello.

"You don't seem upset."

"Well my day has been spent sitting in front of the television watching infomercials and reassuring James that I really am fine," she explained, "this right here is the most exciting thing that has happened since I watched that new vacuum contraption that can clean the top of the refrigerator."

Jane couldn't stop himself from smiling. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

"I know!"

He continued to smile as he maintained eye contact. "You bought one didn't you."

"Of course not." Jane refused to look away until she blushed and looked down. "It ships in six to eight weeks." Then he allowed himself to laugh and she groaned. "I'm just bored!"

Jane was still laughing when he sat down on her couch. "Well I suppose it could be worse. You could have gotten one of those blankets with sleeves." Lisbon looked down at the ground again and Jane actually felt something akin to joy. "You didn't…" The ashamed look in her eyes made him laugh even harder.

"It's called a Snuggie," she corrected him.

He put a hand to his mouth to try and bring a modicum of control to his laughter. "I have…there are _no_ words."

"Stop making fun of me."

"Oh you lost that right when you bought a blanket that has sleeves."

"Ugh you're right," she said collapsing onto the couch next to him. "Jane, do me a favor. Break my TV, I don't want to buy a Sham Wow or Oxy Clean or any of that other stupid stuff."

"Then what would you do all day?" he asked turning to look at her. She seemed pretty relaxed at the moment; this was a good thing.

"Then take my credit cards away." He laughed again and patted the back of her hand. She grabbed it, holding onto him. "I just want to go back to work."

Jane smiled. "The cast would get in the way."

"The cast comes off next week."

"Then you need physical therapy from your arm being immobile for six weeks."

"Oh…right," Lisbon muttered. "Then what _can_ you do to keep me from watching infomercials?"

"Well there is always hypnosis."

She didn't like that idea. "You know what, why do I need a life savings anyways? Oxy Clean could really come in handy."

Jane laughed again and shook his head. "Why don't you just go out?"

Lisbon got quiet and shook her head. "No, I'd rather stay here."

"But you're bored."

"I don't want to go out, Jane," she told him firmly.

He sighed; he knew why she preferred staying inside of her apartment. "You shouldn't let what happened stop you."

"I didn't go out much before I was raped, Jane, not much is changing except I don't have the excuse of paperwork to finish at the moment," she replied. Lisbon stood up from the couch. "I'm going to get some water, you want tea or something?"

He shook his head. "No I'm good." But then he rubbed his arms through his sleeves. "But it is chilly in here. You have a blanket? Maybe one with sleeves?"

Lisbon smiled, her cheeks turned a little pink and she shook her head. "How long until that gets old?"

"Oh you forget, I have a mind like a steel fortress. I'm never letting this go."

"Of course not." She turned on her heel and walked towards her kitchen but her step was a little lighter. Well at least she was feeling better now. It was superficial but he could only hope that eventually she would start to actually get better.

Jane reverted to his normal habit of looking through her things but that didn't last long. There was small stack of books on the small table by her sofa and the titles actually horrified him. Ovid's _Metamorphisis_, _The Rape of Lucrece_ and of course _Titus Andronicus._ Her Bible was underneath them and like the stack of books on top; it had post-it notes and pages dog-eared in certain places. Jane could guess what pages she had marked.

He picked up her copy of _Titus Andronicus_ and was immediately brought to Act II Scene IV directly after Lavinia's ravishment. He swallowed as he read through Marcus finding his mutilated niece. There were passages highlighted and the pages were folded in the corner. She had read this several times.

Jane knew she'd been interested in Lavinia since the hospital but he'd never wanted her to look into the subject matter. But not only had she done so, apparently it had reached the level of obsession.

This was bad.

Lisbon returned with a glass of tap water when she stopped in her tracks. He looked up at her and held up the book. "This is scaring me."

For a moment she gaped at him, a mixture of embarrassment and shock on her face. "I thought you liked Shakespeare," she said very lamely.

Jane shook his head. "No, we are not going to do that."

She knew then that she wasn't getting out of that one. She put the glass of water down on the table and crossed her arms. "I don't see what the big deal is."

"Don't try and pretend that you are trying to catch up on the classics," Jane told her harshly. "I know what you are doing."

"No you don't."

"You shouldn't be doing this to yourself," he cut in. "Repeatedly reminding yourself about what happened isn't going to help you."

"_Remind_ me?" Lisbon exclaimed, "Trust me, Jane. I don't need a reminder, I remember every damn moment of every day."

"So you decide to read about women who were raped? That is supposed to make you forget?"

"No," Lisbon told him.

"Then why do it? Why put yourself through this torture?"

She shook her head. "Because no one else understands. No one else I know has any idea how it feels to be raped." She nodded towards the books, "They do."

Jane ran his fingers over the cover of the book in his hands. "These are fictional characters, Lisbon. They aren't real, their pain isn't real."

"Yes it is," she began softly; her eyes pinned on the copy of Shakespeare's play. "The horror they speak of. I felt that. The words they spoke, begging for mercy…I thought that. The shame, the guilt, the disgust they felt…that is what I feel. Every day."

Jane was quiet for a moment as he contemplated the power behind her words. Art could certainly imitate life but this wasn't her finding solace in fiction. She was finding new ways to torture herself. "I understand that you feel alone in all of this," he told her honestly. He held up the book. "But what good is this doing? How is this helping you?"

Lisbon looked him in the eye and all he saw was absolute shame and helplessness. "It doesn't," she admitted. She smiled a little but there was no joy or mirth there, it was an expression of bitterness. "Nothing does. Nothing helps me. Everything I do, everything I say…I'm lying to everyone. I'm _not_ going to be fine, Jane. Nothing is going to make me better."

"That isn't true."

She scoffed, shaking her head again. "You know what happens to those women, Jane. Lucrece kills herself. Tamar becomes a recluse. Lavinia dies by her father's hand because _none_ of them could live with their shame. And I know _exactly_ how they feel."

Jane stepped forward, putting a hand on her shoulder and compelling her to meet his gaze. "Lisbon, those women couldn't accept that they had no shame to bear. Neither do you."

She smiled softly at him but it didn't reach her eyes. "You're sweet, Jane. And I know you believe that…but I can't." Lisbon reached over the slipped the book out of his hands. She treasured the book, holding it close; running her fingertips over the title like it was something sacred to her.

When she met his eyes again there were tears shining in them. "Maybe you should go," she told him.

He took a step closer to her. "Lisbon…"

"Please," she said very softly, "I need you to leave."

Jane didn't want to but he also knew that pushing her further would make things worse, even though it was hard for him to imagine that they could. He nodded his head solemnly and slowly walked towards the door. He stopped in the doorway and turned back to look at her. "I'm going to come back," he told her, "you can count on that."

She didn't say anything. She was conflicted, divided between her desire to curl up alone in the dark or accept the comfort he could give her. He meant that promise; he was not going to give up on her.

But he left her apartment with different feelings than when he had arrived. Before he had been worried for her.

Now he was terrified.

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><p>Jane didn't sleep much that night and this time it wasn't just nightmares keeping him awake. It was true that visions of Red John were not frequenting his dreams as much now as the equally horrifying visage of finding Lisbon in that alley, bloody, beaten and raped. But now he was concerned that he had missed something important.<p>

The last few weeks, things, well they weren't good but at least Lisbon's emotions had stabilized into something that appeared to be manageable. Now he was learning that she had been involved in a dangerous obsession. It was something all to familiar, keeping things beneath the surface, desperately trying to hide the true extent of the damage. He had engaged in that sort of subterfuge numerous times in the past but the last thing he wanted was for her to follow his example.

If she was following his trajectory then things were very, _very_ bad indeed.

Jane was still ruminating over this when he pulled into the parking lot of the CBI and made his way towards the building. Because he was Jane he noticed everything, including the familiar face that was milling around outside of the entrance.

Virgil Minelli used to be a common sight outside and inside the CBI but that was years ago when he was still Special Agent in Charge. The last time Jane had seen him was at the pier where he'd received La Roche's suspect list and left Virgil in the company of a potential date, his way of saying thanks. Right now the man looked anxious and was clearly trying to hide the fact that he was waiting for someone by pretending to be interested in his phone. Jane knew who he was waiting for.

He locked eyes with Jane when he was still just a few steps away. Jane smiled a little, "Virgil, good to see you again."

"Jane," Minelli replied carefully, "I was uh…I still have some friends here and I just uh…" He looked up sheepishly at Jane, "I'm doing this badly aren't I?"

"Yes," he replied honestly and couldn't help but smile at the poor man's fumbling attempt to find an excuse.

Minelli sighed heavily and his face grew somber. "How is she? I mean I know it can't be good but you must be keeping up with her so…how is she?" Jane didn't have to say a word. Minelli took on long look into his eyes and sucked in a deep breath. "Oh shit."

"Yes," Jane agreed, "that is an accurate sentiment."

The older man shook his head. "One of my friends called me that night and told me what happened. I…I couldn't believe it. Something like that shouldn't have happened to her."

"But it did, no amount of regret or wishful thinking is going to change that." They were harsh words but the truth always was.

Minelli nodded and met Jane's eyes again. "I've been wrestling with this for weeks…I want to know from you…should I go see her?"

Jane was quiet as he pondered the question for a long while. "What she desperately needs is to know that no one sees her any differently now. She needs to trust again and that means realizing that everyone is still standing with her." He nodded his head. "But you should be prepared…she isn't herself."

"What do mean?"

"Physically she is fine but she has other problems now."

"Like what?"

"A bit of agoraphobia, she doesn't leave her apartment much. She's not sleeping because she has nightmares every night." Jane looked at Minelli very seriously now. "And whatever do, _don't_ touch her. She doesn't like to be touched."

Minelli looked away now, shaking his head as if fighting the fact that the woman he had cherished like a daughter was irreparably damaged. "I know I don't have to ask this," he began, catching Jane's eye once more. "But you _are_ taking care of her right?"

That was a very hard question to answer. "I'm trying," Jane admitted, "I'm not entirely sure if I'm helping but…" He sighed. "I am trying.

Minelli nodded but didn't really seem to be seeing him any more. "Tell me you are close to finding him."

"I wish I could."

That made his head snap up. "You have to know _something_."

"It was someone at the fundraiser, someone who knew her, maybe someone she'd made angry," Jane explained, "A cop, or someone who works closely with them."

Minelli didn't like the sound of that. "I don't believe that someone at the CBI did this."

"Someone did," Jane stated firmly, "I'm certain of that."

Virgil studied Jane for a while before looking away. "God help us," he murmured now coming to grips with the fact that this crime was even more heinous than he'd originally thought. "Do you think she'll get through this?"

"I honestly don't know," Jane told him truthfully, "but I'm going to do everything I can to help her."

"I believe you," Minelli said softly, "And you can do it. You trust each other, you have this…_thing_, I saw it. It's why she's the only one you'll actually pretend to listen to and why she's the only one who's willing to put up with all of your crap." That was a very accurate depiction of their working relationship though Jane could only imagine what Minelli would say to Lisbon's recent affinity to his touch.

"You can help her, Jane," Minelli repeated, "you have to believe that too."

Jane sighed, he wasn't entirely sure on that last statement. "Well I'm not walking away…and I'm not going to give up, I guess its a start." Minelli nodded and they both lapsed into silence for a moment. "You should go see her," Jane told him, "It might do her some good."

"You think so?"

"I don't know, but like everything else…we won't unless we try," Jane replied simply.

"I guess not," Minelli said, his tone almost bitter, "I don't suppose it could get much worse."

Jane had a bad feeling that they would all regret that statement.

* * *

><p>Nancy handed Lisbon a cup of coffee which she gratefully accepted. "You look tired, Teresa, are you sleeping any better?"<p>

"I'm taking your pills," she said. Well, sometimes…when Jane made her.

"But you're still struggling."

"I'd do better if I could stop dreaming. You've got any pills for that?"

Nancy smiled just a little. "Unfortunately no." She sat back down in her chair with her notebook. The tape recorder sat on the desk forever transcribing their every word.

"So what do you want to talk about this time?" Lisbon asked, her eyes on the tape recorder.

"Whatever you like. These sessions are about you."

"Don't you want to hear about the attack?"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," she answered right away.

Nancy nodded. "That's fine. How about your childhood, would you be willing to talk about that?"

Her childhood, a mess of mourning, scars, death and becoming an adult at the age of thirteen. She never talked about that, not even with Jane.

"No."

The doctor had the patience of a saint. She just nodded again, still smiling a bit as if they were calmly discussing fine art or a movie they both enjoyed. "We don't have to talk about you."

"So we can talk about you?" Lisbon asked.

"We can talk about someone else," Nancy clarified, "Family, friends."

"You'll actually let me talk about someone else?"

"Sometimes discussing the lives of others helps us to open up more about ourselves," Nancy said.

"Well, you're the psychiatrist, you know more about this stuff than me." Sure, she was being bitter and hostile but she had lost patience with the whole thing a long time ago. She only came now because she was waiting for Dr. Cargill to sign off on her return to work. She'd cooperated at first, opening up about the attack but then the nightmares only got worse. Now she only went because she had nothing better to do.

"Why don't you tell me some more about Jane."

Lisbon snapped into attention. "Jane? What makes you think I'd want to talk about him?"

"You've mentioned him many times during our sessions. I assumed you were comfortable talking about him."

"I don't know," she mumbled, "Maybe I am."

"Then why don't we talk about him. Tell me, how did you meet?"

That was an easy enough answer. "At the CBI," Lisbon said, "He offered his services as a consultant and I agreed to have him join my team."

"Why did you do that?"

There were many reasons for why she had agreed. She'd felt sorry for him because of his loss, her desire to catch as many criminals as possible but also…there was just something there. During that first case she'd felt it, she'd felt like she'd finally found that partner that she always wanted. Starsky and Hutch, Riggs and Murtaugh and now Jane and Lisbon.

"He catches bad guys," she said instead, her typical response. She was not into mushy explanations.

"Still, you must have had some trepidations in the beginning."

"Well yeah, considering his history."

Dr. Cargill titled her head in curiosity. "What do you mean by that?"

Lisbon sucked in a deep breath. She looked down at her fingers, fumbling and twisting them together. "I don't know if I should tell you. I mean, Jane is very private so I don't know if he'd want me talking about it."

"Just tell me what you're comfortable with."

Where did that line begin? Sometimes Jane seemed open and willing to share and then the next day he would be locked up with ten deadbolts and no key in sight to solve the problem. His past he would talk about when he had to and only ever then, never because he wanted to. But some things… well some parts of himself he seemed all right discussing.

"He used to be a psychic," Lisbon said, "Not a real one, of course, he was a con artist. He's very open about that."

"You admire him for that," Nancy said.

"I respect his ability to admit his mistakes," she said.

"That's very pointed. What exactly do you mean by that?"

Damn her for being so perceptive. Lisbon knew Jane's tragedy was out there for everyone to see if they were so inclined to look but actually telling someone…no, that just didn't seem right.

It was to be the short version then. "He lost his wife and daughter," she said, "He feels responsible for that. He's wrong though, it wasn't his fault."

Dr. Cargill nodded and Lisbon could tell that she got the message. No details about the exact story were forthcoming.

"Is that why you feel comfortable with him?" Nancy asked, "He has his own tragedy so you feel like he understands."

"Maybe," Lisbon said, but the word came out hallow. She had debated that same possibility over the past few weeks. On paper it made sense and yet…she'd lost her mother and her father when she was young so she understood Jane's pain in that. But how could he understand this violation to her body? He really couldn't.

"Or maybe because next to him I look almost normal," she said morosely. Jane has so many problems, scars that ran deeper than hers.

"And that is what makes you comfortable with him?"

"I don't know," Lisbon said, "I don't know why I'm comfortable with him. I just am."

Nancy nodded again. "Can you describe your interactions with him since the attack?"

Lisbon blinked at her in a startled look. "My interactions?"

"Yes."

"Why do you want to know?"

Dr. Cargill gave her a kind smile. "Teresa, I'm just trying to understand why he is so important to you, now especially. You spoke very little of your brother while he was here, but you are willing to talk about Jane. That suggests that you see him differently from anyone else. Is that true?"

Lisbon looked back down at her hands and nodded.

"How so?"

"He can touch me," she confessed, "I don't mind if he touches me."

"But no one else?" Lisbon shook her head in response. "When did you notice this?"

"At the hospital," she said. She met Nancy's eyes again and quickly added, "Jane suggested it might be because he was the one who found me."

"Yes, that is one possibility." Nancy inclined her head again which meant she was about to ask an important question. "Why do you think he can touch you?"

Lisbon swallowed hard and gave her a jerky shake of her head. "I don't know."

"Do you wonder about it?"

"No."

Nancy smiled a little. Even Lisbon could see how obvious her lie had been. "That's all right, Teresa, you don't have to tell me. But you do feel relaxed with Jane, don't you?"

"Yes," she said, "I almost feel like myself again."

"And that makes you feel better?"

"I guess so," Lisbon said with a shrug. Yes it did, but then when he left she always felt worse. Because then she wondered if she would ever feel like herself again.

Right now, she truly doubted it.

* * *

><p>Lunch at the CBI was intermittent. Grace always made sure to bring a sandwich or something to eat, but if they had a particularly grueling case the meal was more often than not thrown away into the wastebasket or left an orphan in the fridge for someone else to claim. She was in luck that today they were between cases so she could actually enjoy the tuna salad sandwich she had prepared for herself. On the downside, nothing could distract her from her lingering guilt over Lisbon. It had been weeks and still she had yet to draw up the courage to go. With each day that passed, she hated herself just a little bit more.<p>

The break room wasn't empty. Both Rigsby and Cho had decided to have their lunch there as well. Jane was MIA; Lisbon would give them hell for that if she knew that they had lost him again. Yet another reminder that she and only she could really control the man.

"Hey," Grace said as greeting when she walked in.

"Hey," Rigsby said back while Cho simply nodded.

She found her sandwich in the fridge and a bottle of water and took the empty chair at the table. "Do you know where Jane is?"

Rigsby shrugged. "Jane can take care of himself."

"Most of the time," Cho added.

Grace took a sip of water, tracing the edge of the label with her finger when she set it back down. "Do you think he went to see Lisbon?"

"Maybe," Rigsby said.

She nodded at his words. She took a couple bites of her sandwich in silence, but curiosity has a way of forcing words to come out. "Have you guys seen her lately?"

"I went over last week," Rigsby said, "We had coffee and talked for a bit. I got the feeling she didn't want me to stay long."

Cho nodded and let out a murmured sound of agreement. "Saw her two days ago. I gave her an update on our cases and then I left."

Grace tapped the side of her water bottle. The liquid inside rippled at the motion in a sort of hypnotic dance. "How often does Jane see her?"

"I think he goes over everyday."

"Really?"

"She's more comfortable with him."

Grace looked across the table at Rigsby. She took a guess that she had a similar expression of puzzlement on her face. "You think that's kind of weird?"

"Yeah," Rigsby said.

Cho didn't even look up from his hamburger when he said, "They're not doing anything like that."

"I know that," Rigsby said, "It's just…it's still weird."

Grace nodded. "Yeah, but it's good though. She's getting better, right?"

"Yeah," Rigsby said, but the word sounded thin, "I think so." The last part sounded even more uncertain.

She resumed tapping on her water bottle. Her sandwich no longer seemed appetizing. "So, you guys go over there pretty regular, right?"

Rigsby sighed and crumbled up his empty bag of chips. "Grace, why don't you go see her?"

"I will," she said, "It's just…I don't want to be in her way."

"You won't," Cho said.

"You guys just said that she doesn't like you to stay for very long."

"Yeah," Rigsby said, "but we're guys. She might be more comfortable with you since you're a woman."

Grace shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know."

Cho put down his lunch and met her hazel eyes. "Van Pelt, did you know that you ask about Lisbon everyday?"

"I do?"

"Yeah. And she stopped asking about you three weeks ago."

She blinked furiously at the sudden wave of tears. "She did?"

Cho nodded. "She's given up on you ever coming to see her."

Grace stared at her half-eaten sandwich. "I've been waiting for the right time."

"The longer you wait the harder it's going to be," Rigsby said, "Do you really want to wait until she returns to work before you see her again."

She shook her head softly, tears brimming through her thick lashes. She hadn't meant to hurt Lisbon by waiting, she had honestly thought that maybe this was for the best. "I thought she'd rather be alone."

"Grace, we know this has been hard for you." Rigsby reached over and covered her small hand with his much larger one. "And you don't have to go if you don't want to. Just think about it."

She gave him a weak nod and stood up from the table, balling up her sandwich in her paper bag. "I need to check to see if anything's come in," she said.

Her friends didn't stop her from leaving. They knew she needed to do just as Rigsby had said. Lisbon was their leader, the one Grace had always gone to and could depend on when the chips were down for her. Without her there…there was this empty space in their team. Grace wanted her back, but at the same time she wasn't sure if that would solve anything. How can things go back to normal when they had been turned upside down in such a horrible, twisted way?

Maybe they couldn't.

* * *

><p>Lisbon was doing the only thing she could do nowadays, flipping through the channels on TV. Occasionally she would pause to give one show a few seconds of consideration before simply switching to the next program. She really wasn't seeing anything in front of her, not the talking heads that were lighting up the screen or the stupid commercials that no one paid attention to anyways. All she felt now was a deep frustration that showed itself by her pressing the button on the remote as hard as she could.<p>

That day she'd had to go down to the hospital to get her test results back. The news was good, her blood work was clear, there were no indications that she had any STDs which meant either the medication had done it's job or her rapist was clean. That wasn't what bothered her; she'd actually all but forgotten about the tests, she'd been too busy focusing on her rapidly deteriorating sanity.

But the cheerful doctor had been happy to report the news. She'd smiled happily and said probably the stupidest thing Lisbon could remember. "You're lucky."

Lucky? She was _lucky_?

How about those women who hadn't been raped? What about those women who didn't know what it was like to have someone beat the shit out of them and then violate them? _Those_ women were lucky and Lisbon could no longer count herself among them.

She wasn't pregnant or had HIV so she could count her blessings…but she didn't really think about her "blessings" anymore. Maybe it was the fact that just because the physical legacies of her attack were quickly going away, she couldn't work past the parts that people couldn't see.

The anxiety, the nightmares, the absolute terror she lived in now…those scars were still with her at every moment and as far she knew, they weren't going anywhere.

Lisbon noticed that she'd paused for several minutes on a news channel were some reporter was talking about some new big scandal a politician had gotten up to his eyebrows in. Fed up, she simply turned off her TV and grabbed her laptop, ready to indulge herself in her new hobby.

She went to her favorite search engine and continued her research into rape. It wasn't just reading about Lavinia and other fictional victims but she found herself compelled to look up the history of it too. The number of articles written on the subject surprised her; some were feminist reporting injustices; others were simply comparing what the significance of rape in some mythologies and legends meant.

Jane hadn't reacted well to her current subject of research, she couldn't help but remember what he'd said, _'These are fictional characters, Lisbon. They aren't real, their pain isn't real'_. He was right, the stories weren't real but Lisbon wasn't convinced that their pain was too. _'Why put yourself through this torture?'_ He was right, it was painful for her to look through all of this, it hurt every time she found something that reminded her that she was a part of this exclusive group of damaged women. The truth was that she didn't know why she did this; she just knew that she had to. Maybe she wanted to see that it would get better…or maybe she wanted to justify her feelings of failure.

A knock on the door startled her. She quickly slapped her laptop screen down so that her visitor wouldn't see her search history. Lisbon did check to make sure her books were hidden away too; she had a feeling that her visitor was Jane and she didn't want to get into another argument about her new obsession.

But it wasn't the blonde nuisance that was quickly becoming the most important person in her life.

It was her old boss.

Virgil Minelli looked awkward standing on her doorstep, as if a part of him wished he was anywhere but there. She couldn't blame him; she didn't really want to be here either. It took her a moment to collect her thoughts. "Virgil, hi! It's uh…nice to see you again." She hadn't seen him since they'd had lunch a few months ago, even though he was no longer her boss she hadn't wanted to lose touch of the mentor that had always felt more like a father figure to her over the years.

"Well I figured it was time I stopped by," he told her lamely. She knew what he really meant, he'd wanted to check up on her himself. A part of her touched, but mostly she felt resentment that she was someone that people had to worry about now.

But Lisbon didn't want to let Virgil know how damaged she was. Instead she put on a fake smile. "Well come in," she told him before letting him inside; she maintained a careful distance though. She didn't want him to see she was having problems with being close to people…besides Jane.

"I got your flowers," Lisbon said, taking a seat on the sofa, "I'm sorry I haven't gotten around to sending thank you notes, I really should get on that." The truth was she hadn't given it a second thought; she didn't really want to send thank you notes for sympathy flowers. She gave Minelli a once over and smiled again. "I like the beard, I guess that means you are still seeing May."

Virgil nodded and finally smiled a little. "She likes it," he admitted.

"I'll bet," Lisbon replied with a grin. She knew now that Jane had had ulterior motives for contacting Minelli during the infamous Santa Claus investigation but at least he'd also done a good job of matchmaking in the process.

For a long moment they sat in awkward silence, he wasn't willing to come forward with the real reason for why he was there and Lisbon had run out of small talk. In the end she decided to just cut to the chase. "You don't have to pretend you are here to chat," Lisbon told him, "I can only guess that someone called you the night it happened or you saw my spectacular display of emotion at the press conference a few weeks ago."

Minelli grew visibly upset when she mentioned the true reason why he was here but really there was little either one of them could do about it. This was just how things were now. "I just…"

"You wanted to check up on me," Lisbon finished for him.

"I was worried about you," he admitted.

"I know," she said softly before adding, "I'm worried about me too." She looked up at him now and put on a mirthless smile. "I guess we have something in common now. Both of us have completely lost it in front of the press…at least you had fun your way."

His lips twitched but his eyes were still morose. "Things are going to get better, Teresa."

Lisbon nodded. "I really hope that's true because right now…" she leaned back a little and sighed. "I really should stop feeling sorry for myself."

Virgil didn't respond to that instead he took a good long look at her before asking. "Are you seeing a therapist?"

"Of course, I've got to see a shrink before I'm allowed back at work," Lisbon replied, "That and I have to get this off." She pointed to the cast that she absolutely loathed.

"How is it going?"

She shrugged. "I have to talk about my feelings all day so…I hate it but I'm doing it. I just need to get back to work, I need to get things back to normal and everything will be fine." Lisbon had been telling herself that lie for weeks now, mostly because she had to believe that something would make this all better. The alternative was too awful to imagine.

Minelli didn't seem to buy her lie either. "You don't really believe that do you?"

Lisbon sighed. "I have to…I need to do something because otherwise I'll just be sitting here afraid and feeling like a complete failure for being so stupid as to let this happen."

"That's not true," Virgil said quickly, "You didn't _let_ this happen, it wasn't your fault."

She smiled bitterly. "I pissed off someone so much that he had to beat me and rape me to make himself feel better."

"That doesn't make it your fault."

She shook her head slowly. "I don't have anyone else to blame, if I had been nicer or maybe if I hadn't…" Her voice trailed off as the words caught in her throat. She willed herself not to cry, not once had she ever cried in front of Minelli and she wasn't going to break that streak now.

He noticed that she was fighting tears and did what any normal person would automatically do to comfort someone. He put covered her hand with his.

Lisbon snatched her hand away and slinked back, automatically tensing up as if she had been burned. Now her body was rigid with anxiety.

Virgil was startled by her reaction. "I'm sorry," he said quickly.

"No, it's just…" she tried to find the words; "I don't…when someone touches me…I feel…" she couldn't seem to finish it.

But Minelli nodded somberly. "No, this was my fault. Jane warned me about this and I forgot."

"_Jane_ warned you?" Lisbon asked now tense for an entirely different reason. "You and Jane were talking…about _me_?"

"I talked to him," he admitted, "I wanted to see how you were."

"So you talked to Jane?" Her voice was getting loud now with outrage.

"He's worried about you," Minelli replied, "we are all worried about you."

"I know," Lisbon said standing up from the couch, "that's why everyone _talks_, why everyone _stares_. Everyone is watching and waiting for me to fall apart. I get that! Everyone wants to see what I look like…what I'll do next. Because I'm no longer a cop." She stopped in her tracks and looked back at Minelli pointedly. "What do _you_ see when you look at me now?"

There was a very long moment where the two of them just stared at one another. Her gaze was angry and emotional while Virgil look pained and sad. As the seconds ticked by Lisbon began to actually be afraid of the answer, afraid that it was something that she couldn't actually face.

In the end Minelli took a different tact all together. "I should probably go," he said, standing up from the couch.

Lisbon nodded but didn't move from her stance in the living room, she wasn't going to do the polite thing and see him out. She just didn't care about manners or anything else anymore. What was the point?

He stopped at the doorway and looked at her sadly again. "None of this was your fault, Teresa. If you have to believe in something, just believe in that."

She just stared at him as he closed the door. And then she was alone once again.

Lisbon stood there for several seconds, just staring at the closed door. Angry tears spilled down her cheeks but she didn't know who she was angry at anymore. Was she mad at Jane and Minelli for talking about her? Was she mad at the man who raped her? Or was she mad at herself for being angry with people who just wanted to help her?

All Lisbon knew for sure is that she wished he hadn't come. She couldn't change the fact that her team had seen her like this, as a painful mess of a human being. But Virgil hadn't. He was one of the few people that could have held onto the memory of the old Lisbon, the one who was confident and strong and who hadn't been completely destroyed.

A thought struck her mind and she rushed over to the now worn copy of _Titus Andronicus_ she'd hidden in a drawer. She flipped over to the third act where Titus first saw his now mutilated daughter. _"__Titus, prepare thy aged eyes to weep; / Or, if not so, thy noble heart to break: / I bring consuming sorrow to thine age."_ To which Titus simply replied, _"Will it consume me? let me see it, then."_ But it was Marcus's reply that had her attention:

_ "This was thy daughter."_

This _was_ Lavinia, not is but _was_.Meaning that she was no longer Lavinia but someone else, something else.

That was how Lisbon felt now. She wasn't Teresa Lisbon anymore but someone else entirely. Someone she didn't know and no one else could recognize.

Lisbon found her way upstairs to her bathroom which was still covered up. The newspaper was wrinkled and faded from the steam from her shower but it still kept her reflection hidden. She looked at it for a moment before reaching up and tearing it down. The weak paper gave quickly to reveal the glass underneath…and her image.

What she saw was herself. The image was exactly how she was supposed to look. No bruises on her face, the tiny scar at her temple was hardly noticeable at all. In fact she looked exactly as she had before the attack.

That was the problem.

The last time she had looked in the mirror she'd seen a grotesque face covered in dark purple bruises and puffy skin. That had been the image of a beaten and broken woman. It had also felt like the truth. This here, this person she was staring at was false. She was no longer that woman, no longer Teresa Lisbon.

And she had no right to look like her.

She scrounged around for a while, looking through her drawers before finding the object she'd desired.

A pair of scissors.

She only hesitated for a moment but when that first long lock of chocolate brown hair fell into the sink, she felt good. She felt like she was finally getting what she deserved.

Lisbon smiled now as she cut, ignoring the strands of hair that fell down at her feet.

Now she wouldn't look like _her_.

* * *

><p>Jane had made a conscious decision to avoid all mental facilities after his stay in one many years ago. He'd been to a few during casework, but this visit had nothing to do with his job at the CBI. Still, he only told the receptionist that he would wait to speak with Sophie Miller outside.<p>

He hadn't ever intended to speak with Sophie again after he had helped clear her of murder. Despite his gratitude for bringing him back from his inner demons, Jane knew he could never disassociate her from the darkest part of his life. She had saved him, but she was also a symbol for everything he had lost and how close he had come to giving in to his despair.

But he hadn't come here for himself. Right now Sophie was the only person he could trust who could tell him what to expect with Lisbon's recovery and the best way he could help her.

He was sitting on the bench in the little garden area outside the hospital when Sophie found him. She looked just like she did when she'd treated him, her hair a soft brown and wearing a white lab coat. She smiled when she saw him and held out her hand. "Patrick," she said, "It's wonderful to see you again."

"Hello Sophie," he said and shook her hand, "You look well."

"Thank you," she said, "You don't look bad yourself."

She gently pulled at his arm to lead him away from the bench and move down a garden path. He knew they used this space to help soothe the patients inside, maybe she was trying to do that with him.

"I know this isn't a social visit," she said, "So what can I do for you?"

"It isn't about me," he said. He took in a breath and let it out slowly. "I don't know if you've heard, but my friend Agent Lisbon was raped a few weeks ago."

Sophie nodded. "Yes, I read about it in the newspaper and I was very sorry to hear of it. How is she doing?"

"Not well," he admitted, "Which is why I came here to talk to you."

"Do you want me to work as her therapist?"

Jane shook his head. "No, she's seeing one already, a Dr. Nancy Cargill."

Sophie gave him a promising smile as they walked. "She's excellent, the best sexual assault counselor I know. Your friend is in good hands."

"I'm not worried about her therapy," Jane said, "I'm worried about _her_."

"That's understandable. Being raped is a traumatic experience, I'm sure she is in a great deal of emotional turmoil right now."

"I'm just trying to understand what she is going through," Jane said, "And how I can help her, that's why I came here. I want your expertise on the psychological effects of rape."

She smiled a little. "You never cared much about psychology before."

"This is different."

Sophie nodded, her face pensive now. "Yes, I can see that." They walked a few steps before she said; "I will need a few more details before I can give you a total analysis. Where did most of her injuries occur?"

"Her head and face," Jane said, "Her attacker slammed her head repeatedly in order incapacitate her, but she was still conscious throughout the assault."

"Then it was definitely a personal attack. Either the rapist had an agenda against Agent Lisbon or it was a stranger who took his rage out on her, maybe because of a resemblance she bore between the object of his wrath."

Jane shook his head a little. "I think it was someone she knew, someone who knew she was a cop."

"Yes, that does seem likely," Sophie agreed, "Was she numb or detached for a period of time?"

"Yes," Jane said, "I could see she was trying to separate herself from the trauma, but after a few days out of the hospital I noticed a change in her."

"Describe this for me."

"She is much more emotional, she startles easily now and frequently has headaches. I know for a fact that she isn't sleeping unless she is too exhausted, and then she has nightmares. She's losing weight too and I suspect she's not eating much."

Sophie nodded throughout his list of symptoms and a grave look appeared in her eyes. "I think Agent Lisbon is experiencing Rape Trauma Syndrome. This isn't something that can be cured with medication or even strict observation. She has to make an effort to overcome this."

"Can you tell me more?"

"RTS has three stages. The acute stage occurs in the days or weeks that follows the attack. This is often a period of disbelief, or numbness to the assault and downplaying the trauma of the attack as well as insisting that everything is fine."

Jane nodded. Lisbon had done all of those things in the first few weeks after the attack.

"From what I can tell, Agent Lisbon had passed into the second stage: outward adjustment. She's trying to regain her old lifestyle, but the trauma has left her emotionally scarred and so she's trying to cope with that."

"What can be done?" Jane asked.

"Very little, I'm sorry to say. She's going to get a lot worse before she gets better."

Jane had expected that bit of news but it still didn't sit well with him. He couldn't imagine how much worse it could get. Every time he saw Lisbon he could see her just wasting away, turning into a cold, pale imitation of her former self.

"She is a cop, though," Jane said, desperately searching for some hope, "She's had experience with rape victims before."

"I'm sorry, Patrick, but the fact that she is a cop might make her situation even more serious. You know her better than I, how do you think she feels after being completely put at the mercy of someone else?"

He really hated that question. For once, he didn't like to read Lisbon's thoughts. He hated seeing the pain there and knowing that there was precious little anyone could actually do for her. If only he could have stopped it all. He didn't know how he could, but he just knew that there had to have been something he had missed. He could feel it in his bones that he overlooked something that would have prevented Lisbon from being raped.

"She feels like she's lost control," Jane said, "That she doesn't even own her own body anymore. She's lost her confidence in herself and her ability to do her job. She feels like a failure, like she is to blame for what happened."

"Yes, those feelings are common for rape victims," Sophie said, "You have to assure her that it wasn't her fault. Right now she believes she should have fought harder, that she should have saved herself, even though that clearly isn't the case."

Jane nodded, looking away at the flowers planted along the path. He tried to tell her that, but he knew she didn't believe him. He'd seen the scene, forced himself to feel the mind of the rapist and knew that there was nothing Lisbon could have done.

"And you have to admit that it isn't your fault either."

Jane looked up and met her eyes, startled by Sophie's shrewd observation. "What gives you that idea?"

"I know you," she reminded him, "You shoulder the blame very easily. You wish you could have done something so now you've convinced yourself that you could have known but you failed to see it. You know full well that you can't stop what you can't predict. You can't help her, Patrick, when every time you look at her you feel guilty."

Jane stared into her unblinking eyes for a while and then nodded slowly. She was right, maybe there really was nothing he could have done. But even if there was, he had to set it aside. Lisbon needed him and if she detected his guilt she would think it was because he was ashamed of her. "Then what can I do for her?"

"Give her all the support you can," Sophie said, "If she wants to talk about it then let her, but don't force her if she doesn't want to. Don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to or she'll see it as another form of violation. Don't smother her with protection, just try and treat her as normal as possible."

"I'm trying, but it isn't easy."

"No, it won't be. The most you can really do for her is be her friend, even when she is distant from you, just be there for her. You mentioned that she startles easily, does she not like to be touched either?"

Jane waved one hand as if to say 'so-so'. "That's a little strange. She doesn't like to be touched by any man, including her own brother…except me."

Sophie's brow's quirked up at the word. "Interesting. How much contact does she allow with you?"

"Nothing sexual," he said, "but on her first night alone at her house, I stayed with her. I even held her while she slept."

Sophie nodded. "Does she often let you hold her?"

Jane folded his mouth into a line and he did a quick run through of their embraces. "I wouldn't say often, but more than I have in the past. She also let me help her get dressed in the hospital."

"Now that is very interesting," Sophie said, "Most rape victims would be uncomfortable with something so intimate."

"So this is a good thing?"

"Yes, I believe it is. She trusts you, Patrick. She knows you won't hurt her. Right now, she needs that."

There was another stone bench up the path. Jane walked over to it and then sat down with a sigh. "I can do that, but I'm still worried about her."

Sophie sat down next to him and nodded her encouragement for him to tell her. "She's started researching stories about rape."

"True stories?"

Jane shook his head. "It started in the hospital. One of the nurses called her Lavinia."

"Ah, from _Titus Andronicus_."

"Yes. Now she's obsessed with the stories of Lavinia, Lucretia, Philomela and others."

"Hmm." Sophie pursed her lips and looked away for a moment. "I think she might be trying to make sense with what happened. She wants to know why this would happen, not just to her, but to anyone. She relates to these women now and is seeing their stories differently.

"She likely sees all of these injustices, some of them treated lightly in the ancient times. She probably doesn't understand anymore that rape is how our most primitive ancestors dominated their females and mated. Now our minds have evolved and we see rape for what it is: brutish control that has nothing to do with sex."

Jane nodded absently. "Should I compel her to stop this?"

"Right now she needs to feel in control. If you force her to do anything she doesn't want to then you'll lose her trust. I suggest you monitor her, but don't make her do something she doesn't want to."

"Some days she doesn't want to do anything," Jane said solemnly. Those days were the ones he feared the most.

The look in Sophie's eyes told him that he had a right to be concerned. "Has she been suffering any mood swings, panic attacks or flashbacks?"

"Yes, some times."

"Has she been drinking alcohol more often?"

Jane shook his head. "Not that I can tell. Her father was an alcoholic who abused her so she's always been strict with her alcohol consumption. But her appetite has decreased significantly."

Sophie nodded. "This sounds like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. How often does she experience flashbacks?"

"I've seen it occur on more than one occasion," Jane said, "It might happen more often when she is alone."

"I'm sure it does."

"Do you know how long it takes for rape victims to recover from the trauma?" Jane asked.

Sophie shook her head at him. "I'm afraid that there is no average time frame. For some it takes months, others years, and some never recover.

"Patrick, I think you need to be very vigilant of her," Sophie said, her voice deadly serious, "If her symptoms persist it is possible that she could inflict harm on herself."

Jane's mouth dropped open in a silent gasp. He had known that possibility was there, but hearing Sophie's warning made it that much more unbearable. He couldn't let Lisbon do that. Losing her would shatter any resolve he had left.

"Most survivors of rape have some sort of a coping mechanism," Sophie said, "You said she isn't relying on alcohol, and from the brief time I met her I didn't get the impression that she would keep a journal. My guess is that her coping mechanism is you."

Jane blinked at that. "Me?"

"She trusts you and I think your own tragedy gives her a sort of bond with you. I think that if you stick by her, assure her of your friendship and support and remind her that she is a survivor not a victim, then she can progress to the finale stage: renormalization."

He knew that stage was still a long ways off, but Sophie didn't give indication that this was hopeless. Lisbon could adjust. She could move on from what happened and see her rape as just one terrible part of her life and not her new identity.

"I know she wants everything to be normal again," Jane said, "We all do."

Sophie nodded her head. "But you know more than anyone that after a tragedy like this, no one can ever go back to completely normal. You can adjust, but there will always be scars."

They were more than truthful words. Jane knew he still had unhealed wounds left from the wake of his own disaster. It was doubtful that they would ever fully heal. But the difference was that he was responsible for his own tragedy, not Lisbon. She had done nothing to be ashamed of. Her wounds could heal. Her scars could fade.

She just had to believe that.

He'd gotten the answers he'd needed, even if he hated to hear them. "Thank you, Sophie," he said and took her hand to give it a gentle squeeze, "Your help will be invaluable, I'm sure."

"I'm always willing to help you, Patrick," she said with a smile, "Though I know better than to expect you to come."

He smiled a little and nodded. She knew he never would have come here if he hadn't been desperate for advice. He likely never would have seen her again after he'd left her care those years ago had she not called him after her ex-husband's murder. This could very well be the last time they ever saw one another. He knew that was best for them both.

Jane stood up from the bench. "Goodbye, Sophie."

"Goodbye, Patrick," she said, still sitting, "And good luck to you. I know you can help her."

He wished he were so certain.

* * *

><p>Grace sat in the parking lot of Lisbon's apartment building for a long time. She had to work up the nerve to actually get out of the car to go and see her boss. It had been weeks since she had last seen Lisbon. She'd watched her lose control at a press conference and then walk away, laughing manically. It had been a horrifying scene that Grace hated to think about.<p>

But the talk with the guys had forced her to confront the fact that the guilt of not seeing Lisbon was beginning to outweigh her own fears. She hated the fact that Lisbon wasn't asking about her, that she'd stopped hoping that she would come. It was important that Lisbon know that it wasn't because she didn't care…it was because she cared too much. She hated seeing her like this.

Maybe it was selfish but Grace wanted to hold onto the lie that everything would be okay soon. That Lisbon would be back to normal as if none of this had happened.

It was a stupid lie, but some days she almost believed she could believe it.

Finally she got out of the car, carrying the very large stack of paperwork. She figured that the best thing she could do was at least have a good excuse; paperwork was as good as any. Maybe it would even give Lisbon something to do, she had to be bored.

Grace put on a soft smile that she hoped would hide her nerves before knocking on the door. She heard some movement inside and then the door opened but nothing, not even the long wait in the parking lot had prepared her for what she saw.

Lisbon's hair was ratty mess; it fell into uneven waves that ended at her shoulders. It looked like a drunken hairdresser had attacked her with a pair of scissors but Lisbon didn't seem to care. Instead she looked at her with the deadest pair of eyes Grace had ever seen.

"Grace…what are you doing here?"

She couldn't stop staring at her boss so it took her longer to finally speak. Her reply was less than glib. "Paperwork…I brought you some."

Now Lisbon looked down at the stack of papers in Grace's arms. "Oh…okay." She left the door open and walked away so Grace could let herself in.

Lisbon's apartment was dark; the blinds were completely shut on every window. It looked like she was letting a lot of things go these days. Grace set the paperwork down on the table and looked back at her boss. She had sat down on the sofa without a word, there was an open bottle of beer on the table beside her but she didn't reach for it.

Grace stood there completely uncertain over what to do or to say. Instead she twisted her fingers around in her hands. She couldn't stop looking at Lisbon, at the uneven strands of hair that hung limply around her shoulders now. What should she say? What should she do? She could call Jane, he knew how to handle Lisbon at the moment, maybe he could help.

Or maybe she should just leave.

She glanced at the door and seriously considered taking those steps towards it. She hated it here, hated seeing her boss and her friend look like an absolute mess.

But she didn't…she just couldn't leave without doing _something_.

Grace opened her mouth and shut it…then opened it again. "I…" she said very softly, "I could fix that…if you want." She pointed at her hair.

Lisbon blinked a couple of times and look down at the mess she'd done to her hair, noting how uneven it all looked. She turned her eyes back up to Grace and simply said. "Okay."

A few minutes later Grace had a pair of scissors in her hand and Lisbon was sitting down in at one of her wooden chairs. She carefully measured out the length in her hand, snipping away so that tiny bits of chocolate brown hair fell into neat piles on the kitchen floor. Her hands were steady even though it was not how she felt at all.

Not a word was spoken but Lisbon sat completely still. Her body was tense but she didn't seem to be as afraid around Grace. Maybe it was because she was also a woman, or maybe Lisbon was just doing a good job of hiding her feelings. It didn't really matter, neither woman was comfortable with this situation.

It took a short time but Grace managed to even out Lisbon's new haircut. It might not be anything fancy but it no longer looked like a horrible mess. In fact, it was close to the same length it was when Grace had first met her. She felt a wave of longing for those days, when neither one of them had been broken down by tragedies, she'd give anything to go back.

Grace took a moment to survey her work and Lisbon just stared back at her, she couldn't find any emotion in those green eyes. They were completely dead.

She set the scissors down on the counter and took a step back. "I'll…I'll go," Grace said before quickly turning around and quietly walking out the door.

Then she fled, hurrying over to her car. She managed to start the car but didn't put it in drive. Instead she leaned forward and put her forehead against the steering wheel and let herself cry.

Oh God. Lisbon was in worse shape then she'd ever imagined. She couldn't find a trace of that confident and strong woman that Grace had come to admire and even be a little in awe of. Now there was a broken person who couldn't seem to find any emotion other than pain.

Grace wiped the tears from her eyes, only feeling regret now. She put the car in drive and quickly pulled out the lot.

She knew she would never make the mistake of coming here again.

* * *

><p>AN: Poor Grace, she picked the wrong day to go see Lisbon didn't she? Next chapter is when Lisbon goes back to work, does that make everything better...or worse? You'll have to wait and find out!

Please review, they give us purpose!


	9. A Pale Shadow

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Yahoo! It's past 2 in the morning but we are updating! I'm so excited that we got past 200 reviews, you guys are just so amazing. Thank you so much for reading this fic and giving us your words of encouragement, it always makes us that much more anxious to get back to work, knowing that you guys are waiting for us. So here it is, chapter 9 and it is a doozy. Be ready for the darkness to descend...

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Yes, Lisbon begins to take that downward spiral we all knew was coming. It only gets worse after this...for a little while. It will get better, but not until she hits bottom. The good news is that the semester is almost officially over, but we do have finals for the next two weeks so we may not have a whole lot of time to work on this story. However, chapter 10 is even bigger than this one so we may not be able to resist for long. On with the show everyone!

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Sir T Ain:** First off I'd like to say congratulations for being our 200th reviewer! That's awesome! We're so glad that you find our story enthralling and that you agree with our idea that longer chapters are better hehehe. We are definitely continuing this fic and actually we do have some original fiction that we work on in our spare time. Tin is actually an aspiring novelist so thank you for the fine compliment.

**mmm**: Oh there will be good stuff, you just have to wait for it hehehe. Honestly, we're not sure how many chapters this fic will be. Definitely over 20, we have the up to chapter 14 or 15 planned out but that still isn't the end. We do have the ending planned, we just aren't sure how many chapters it will take until we get there. Well Mashburn isn't going to make an appearance in this fic, but you might get your wish in seeing her react to someone touching her in this chapter and see how Jane reacts too...just read on and enjoy hehehe.

**Anna**: Well we're glad you are back in the world of fanfics and are loving this story! The Jisbon scenes are definitely going to continue, enjoy!

**123TellMeYouLoveMe:** Well we love to reply to reviews because we appreciate people who take the time to tell us how they feel. One of the best parts about the show is Jane and Lisbon's banter so of course we love to play with it. Oh there is a gathering storm coming, this chapter will show how Lisbon is quickly deteriorating even more, you are right to assume that something bad will happen to Lisbon...and soon. Jane is going to continue to deal with his own fears of failing Lisbon, it's going to get worse for him when he sees that she's falling. We're not sure if Minelli will be back on the show but he will be back in this fic, that we can promise. Oh the hair cut was intense but there's more darkness coming, just you wait.

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><p>Chapter 9: A Pale Shadow<p>

It was becoming a sort of guessing game for Jane that whenever he drove to Lisbon's apartment to wonder which side of her he would see that day. Sometimes she was almost like her old self, funny and stern in her way of trying to keep him in line, but often she was cold and quiet, a woman who looked like Lisbon but was not the same person he had known for so long. It seemed that more and more often he was seeing this new Lisbon. Her good days were getting further and further apart.

Sophie had said this was a sort of pattern. She would have to get worse before she got better. Jane knew that, he'd experienced it. But he also knew the possibility that Sophie hadn't wanted to admit. Lisbon could fall, keep falling and then hit bottom and never find her way back up. He couldn't let that happen to her.

Jane knocked on the door like he always did. There was always that brief moment of fear that the door wouldn't open, that something had happened to her. He waited those tense seconds but as they ticked by he began to get more concerned. He leaned down and picked up the key he knew he would find tucked under the mat but before he could put it in the lock he heard the locks turning. Lisbon cracked open the door, looked at him once, and then opened it all the way. "Hey," she said.

It was a bad day.

Her shorter hair had curled slightly at the ends, reminiscent of the year he had first met her. Grace had been guilty and quiet after she had seen Lisbon. She had refused to talk about it, but Jane had seen the frightened, downcast look in her eyes. Jane had said very little about her new haircut. The brief research he had done after his visit with Sophie had said that it was common for rape survivors to want to change their appearance. What was terrible was that he knew it wouldn't restore her confidence.

Jane put the spare key in his pocket, for an emergency He walked into the apartment and saw her rubbing her free wrist. The cast had come off a week ago, but he knew she was still self-conscious about it. "How's the therapy going?" Her green eyes widened like a lonely deer staring at a semi-truck on a highway. "Your physical therapy," he corrected and pointed to her wrist.

"Oh, it's fine," she said.

"Good," Jane said, flashing her a bright smile, "You'll be ready to go back to work soon."

That did restore some of the life to her eyes. "Yeah, I've been so bored recently that I've taken to watching _Judge Judy_."

"Definitely a sign of desperation."

She managed to let out a small huff of a laugh. She wanted to find him funny, maybe even a small part of her did, but she just couldn't make herself feel that way. He could see the dark circles under her eyes, the gaunt look to her cheeks. Even her clothes were starting to get baggy. "How about some dinner?" Jane suggested.

Lisbon shrugged one shoulder. "I started some spaghetti."

"Excellent."

"I'll make you some tea, too," she added. He would have to make sure she ate a good amount of her dinner. One day he was afraid that he would be able to count her ribs through her t-shirt.

Jane saw that her TV was on but it was on some reality show with the sound set low. He guessed she only put it on when she heard the knock on the door to hide what she was really trying to do. One quick peak under the couch revealed Lisbon's secret.

It was _Titus Andronicus_ again. He found the other books stuffed in a drawer in the side-table next to the sofa. The last time he'd found them he'd expressed his dismay and that had made her get defensive. She shut down because she felt he couldn't understand. She thought she had to do this all on her own, something he had learned a long time ago just couldn't be done.

Lisbon came back into the room holding his cup of tea. Her eyes immediately fell on the books and he saw her shoulders tense up. Jane smiled at her instead.

"Thank you." He accepted the cup of tea, taking a sip before setting it down on the coffee table.

"Aren't you going to say something?" Lisbon asked and nodded towards the books.

"No."

"You're not mad that I'm still reading them?"

Jane shook his head gently. "I know you're trying to make sense of everything. I was wondering if these are helping."

"You sound like my therapist," Lisbon said with a huff.

"I'm not trying to. I really just want to know why you want to read this." Jane gave her a friendly smile. "Maybe I can shed some light on a few things, I have been known to read a book or two."

She sat in her chair with her knees drawn up to her chest. He knew she was getting a glimpse of her when she was child and wondering if her father would hit her or her brothers again that night. Did she just dream about the rape or had her childhood invaded her nightmares as well? Sometimes he forgot about her past, she had always been so strong. Now…he was seeing the vulnerable spots. They had always been there but he had needed her to be his rock so he had ignored them, but now she couldn't hide them anymore.

Lisbon looked at him over the tops of her knees. She didn't believe him. Jane leaned back into the couch cushions and flipped open the book. "You've been reading this one a lot," he said. The pages were dog-eared in several spots and the spine was creased. "I admit, I find _Hamlet_ to be a far superior work. _Titus_ isn't quite as refined, granted it is a much earlier play."

She shrugged in reply. He could dither all he wanted, but she knew his game. "But the character of Lavinia is unique," he confessed, gaining her attention, "She's often seen as the pure victim, the enduring image of the tragedy."

Lisbon bobbed her head in agreement. "It's terrible what Chiron and Demetrius do to her."

"Yes, I thought they deserved to be baked into pies," Jane said, hoping the grim humor would make her smile. It didn't.

She stared down at the book in his hands. "Titus kills her too."

"Yes," he said softly.

"He kills her because he is ashamed of her."

"That's not—."

"That's what always happens to them," Lisbon said, "Lavinia, Philomela, Lucrece, none of them can bear the shame. Verginia is even killed by her father before she can be raped." Lisbon pointed to _Titus_. "That book says it's called an 'Honor Killing'."

Jane shook his head at her. "There's nothing honorable about it. It wasn't merciful either. They had nothing to be ashamed of. Those men were cowards. It was _them_ who couldn't live with it."

Lisbon swallowed and then met his eyes. "Can _you_ live with it?"

Jane blinked at the question. His jaw tightened just a little, not because of what she said but because the situation was making her doubt everything. She trusted him, but even that was limited. He wanted to make her stop reading those books, but he couldn't. He had to remain calm, for her.

"I am not ashamed of you," his words had a slightly harsh ring to them that even he heard. "I hate that this happened and turning this bastard into a pie is certainly an appealing thought, but I am not ashamed of you. I need you to know that."

Lisbon peeked up at him from behind her knees and smiled. She reached out and took his hand, lacing her fingers with his. "I do."

Jane smiled back. He rubbed his thumb against her smooth, cast-less wrist. "You know the CBI is lonely without you."

She let out a chuckle. "You just miss pushing me around."

"Well Cho can't do your disapproving look right."

They both grinned over that image, all of the tension before gone. "I'm ready to get back to work," she said.

"I'm ready to have you at work," Jane replied, "How about I sneak you in tomorrow?"

"Sounds good, what's the plan?"

"You can dress up like Marty, the janitor."

Considering Marty was a sixty-three year old African-American, rather portly man, his plan made her laugh. A real laugh of delight. She even released her knees, leaning back in her chair. Jane only let out a small titter of mirth. He just enjoyed watching her laugh and smile.

"I'll go check on dinner," she said, still smiling a little. Jane tossed _Titus Andronicus_ aside and watched her at the stove. He knew she'd been having a bad day, but now…he'd made it better. That was the closest thing to hope he'd seen in a long time.

* * *

><p>Luther Wainwright had been doing his best to make it look like he actually knew what he was doing nowadays. The truth was that the situation was an absolute nightmare. His top agent had been brutally raped at a fundraiser and likely by someone they worked with. When he'd been promoted to Special Agent in Charge he had been warned about Agent Lisbon's team, to keep an eye on them, especially Jane. Lisbon was the only one who could handle him.<p>

She'd been on medical leave for over six weeks and Wainwright could see that the team really was at a loss. They still did exemplary work but they were missing that special spark that completed them. He wasn't entirely sure if Lisbon's return would change that, he knew that a generous amount of guilt was to blame for their sadness. Her rapist hadn't been found, it wasn't through any fault of their own, but that didn't stop them from shouldering the blame.

There was nothing Wainwright could do about that, but maybe he could be of some help in bringing something to rights. He dialed a now familiar number and waited the person on the other end to answer.

He'd been referred to Dr. Cargill when he'd immediately begun looking for a qualified therapist, stressing that someone with a background in sexual assault would be necessary. He'd been assured that she was the best; all he could do was hope that they were right.

"Agent Wainwright," Dr. Cargill said as soon as she picked up the line, "It's nice to hear from you again."

"I'd like to know how Lisbon's therapy is progressing," Wainwright said cutting to the chase. He'd called several times over the past weeks for the same reason with varying replies from the therapist.

"Teresa is still struggling," she admitted, "she is still haphephobic and is reluctant to discuss the attack or the effects it is having on her. However, I believe she is still having trouble sleeping and may be experiencing other symptoms of post traumatic stress but I cannot be entirely sure."

"Is there anything that can be done?"

"Very little I'm afraid, Teresa has to decide for herself when she will be willing to accept what has happened and try to work past it. Until then all we can do is offer her support and urge her to open up."

Wainwright sighed; this wasn't the answer he had been hoping for. "In your opinion, when do you believe she will be able to return to work?"

"Is that the reason why you called?"

Well she was good, he couldn't deny that. "I received word today that Lisbon's injuries are healed, physically she is able to return back to the CBI. But we still need you to sign off on it."

She paused for while. "Is this an order?"

"No, I merely want your professional opinion, do you believe that Lisbon should be allowed back on the job?"

Dr. Cargill was quiet for a long time now as she considered the options. The longer the silence lasted the more anxious Wainwright became. "Teresa has many problems that could hinder her work," she finally admitted.

"So that's a no."

"I didn't say that." That answer had Wainwright intrigued. "Teresa needs to reestablish a normal routine," Dr. Cargill continued, "she is feeling completely lost and is questioning who she is, if she is still capable of working in law enforcement. Easing her back onto the job may very well give her the boost of confidence she needs to finally overcome this, if she sees that not everything has changed because of her attack, she might finally take the necessary steps and come to terms with what has happened."

Wainwright definitely liked that idea. "So you will allow her to return to work?"

"It is not without some hesitation," Dr. Cargill explained, "she will need to be monitored by her team, they will want to make sure she is comfortable and try to prevent any situation where she may feel threatened. If Teresa is in a position where she feels vulnerable it could cause her to breakdown."

"I'm certain her team is up to the task."

"And of course it will be necessary for her to continue her therapy sessions, I cannot stress the importance of that enough."

"Of course," Wainwright agreed, "none of us expected Lisbon to get over this in a week."

Dr. Cargill didn't reply to that statement. "As long as you understand that Teresa is still in a fragile state and agree to follow my terms…I will sign off on her returning to work."

Wainwright actually sighed in relief. "Thank you, Dr. Cargill."

She didn't seem to feel the same. "Make sure her team keeps an eye on her, Agent Wainwright. This is a very big risk we are taking, I cannot be sure exactly how she will react."

"Lisbon is a professional," Wainwright said trying to assure her, "I'm certain that she will continue to conduct herself as she always has."

"Hmmm," Dr. Cargill replied unconvinced, "Unfortunately she no longer sees herself as the same woman she was before…you cannot expect her to react the same way she used to, not when she no longer feels like that person she used to be."

"If you are this concerned, why are you allowing her back at work?"

"To be frank, because there is little more I can do until she decides to move on. My hope is that this will give her the confidence to do so."

"And if it doesn't?"

She was quiet for a moment. "Then we can only hope that she will be able to pick up the pieces."

* * *

><p>The morning Lisbon returned to work was beautiful. The sun was high and bright with only a few white puffy clouds that marred the azure sky. Lisbon wasn't sure if the weather was a good omen or a mockery about how she felt but she couldn't deny the hope that was bubbling forth from inside. She was going back to work.<p>

For weeks that had been the one shred of hope she could hold onto. Every time she'd felt completely broken and despaired over ever truly getting better, which was nearly ever moment, she'd told herself that once she got back to work that things would be better. She was a cop. That was her identity. She'd always felt complete while at the CBI, maybe that was the part of her that was missing now. Maybe that was the piece she needed to finally start to feel whole again.

She'd put an inordinate amount of time into her appearance; she was determined to look like nothing had changed. Of course her new hairstyle was going to raise a few eyebrows but the only people who knew she'd taken a pair of scissors to her hair herself were the members of her team. People changed their hair all the time, no need for that to cause any more notice than usual.

In the end she'd decided on a simple pantsuit pairing it with a moss green blouse. The pants were a bit of a problem; she didn't think they had been so loose on her before. But the jacket hid how low they sat on her hips now and it gave her an added sense of protection. It was like a shield or a blanket she could wrap around her, an added layer that would hide her curves from any lewd gaze.

Her heart rate increased the closer she got to the CBI, it was from excitement she told herself, choosing to ignore her sweaty palms and the voice in the back of her head that kept saying she was afraid. That fear prickled her skin the moment she slowed down to pull up to the gate, the security guard popped out of his booth to look at her I.D. "Agent Lisbon, it's good to see you're back," he said nicely, she noted the pity in his eyes.

"It's good to be back, Hank," she replied, pasting on a sweet smile. Of course they were going to be worried about her; that was to be expected. Once she proved to everyone that she was okay then things would return to normal. Everything would be like it was before.

She told herself this over and over again as she parked her car. She told herself this as she remained rooted in the driver's seat, working up the nerve to open the door and finally face her coworkers. Eventually Lisbon released the steering wheel and hauled herself out of the car before slowly walking up towards the building.

The line through security was short that morning and thankfully it moved quickly. But everyone snuck at least one peek at her as she made her way through the line. Sometimes when she caught their eye they'd give her a small smile, others would dart away as if ashamed to be caught. Agent Holly Fieldman from Financial Crimes spotted her as she stepped away from the metal detectors; she gave her a big smile. "Welcome back, Agent Lisbon."

"Thank you," Lisbon replied and did her best to ignore the other stares that were pointed her way.

While she walked through the halls and waited for the elevator she received the same treatment. Sly stares and faux smiles, several offered sympathetic greetings but she always noted the wariness, the caution in their gaze. They had all seen her outburst at the press conference, now they were all waiting and watching to see if she would fall apart once more.

But Lisbon was determined. She was determined to prove them wrong, determined to hold on to the hope that once she got back to work that everything would be better. Somehow working would glue her back together; it was the only hope she had left.

Her office was as she'd left it weeks ago, the door closed with her name proudly printed on it. She paused again to look at it. That was her name; this was her office. She was a cop, that was who she was and now that she was back doing her job she would discover herself again.

Lisbon opened the door and stepped into the room. She looked around, her things were placed exactly how she'd left them. Everything was perfect. She walked around her desk and slowly sat down in her chair, running her fingers over the edge of the desk like it was something precious. She released a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding and smiled softly. This was her office. This was her job. Things would be better now; they had to be.

A soft knock broke her thoughts and she looked up to see Jane standing in the doorway, a very gentle smile on his lips. "Hey."

"Hey," she replied giving him a small smile in return.

He looked her over with that methodical gaze of his and she saw his smile brighten a little. "It's nice to see you behind that desk again."

"I'm happy to be behind it too," Lisbon said ducking her head a little. She peeked up at him. "It felt like something was missing, I think I really needed this." She shook her head. "Maybe that's silly…"

"It isn't," Jane told her smoothly. "You want things to go back to normal and going back to work is a part of that."

She smiled up at him. "Yeah it is." Lisbon put both hands on her desk and stood up. "Speaking of which, I need to get apprised with your latest case."

Lisbon moved to go past him but the gentle touch of his fingers on her arm stopped her. "If something happens…if you start to feel upset or…anything, don't be afraid to come to me."

She looked into his concerned eyes. "I'll be fine, Jane."

"Lisbon…"

"Things are going to be okay now," she told him earnestly, a slight edge to her voice that she wasn't intending. "You'll see."

Jane didn't look all that convinced but he had little choice but to let her go. She tried to give him a reassuring smile before heading out of her office and into the bullpen.

Lisbon couldn't help but remember the last time she had walked in here, the last time she had been in this building before she'd been attacked. The four of them had been griping about the fundraiser that night and she'd brought in a box of cased closed doughnuts. She remembered teasing them in good-natured fun, even tossing a doughnut at Jane for being his annoying self. She'd been so frustrated with him that day; she'd had no idea that he would become such an important person in her life after that. Things had been different; they'd all been having fun. No one could have known that events would change everything forever; she hadn't even imagined that later that night she would be raped.

She pulled herself away from her dark thoughts. She was back at work. Things would be better now.

The rest of the team was where they should be, hunkered down over their own desks trying to stay busy. But they all looked up when she entered. Just like with everyone else she saw sympathy in their eyes, but there was also a great deal of guilt there too. That was what cut through her the most. Why should they feel guilty for her failings?

She opened her mouth to speak but couldn't form words yet. She cleared the throat and nervously tucked her hair behind her ear before trying again. But in the end she didn't have to say anything. Rigsby cut in quickly with a small smile. "Welcome back, boss."

Lisbon smiled back at him. "Thank you…I um…it feels good to be back here." She admitted. Cho gave a small nod and Grace looked away, she hadn't been able to meet her eyes for more than a few seconds. That hadn't surprised Lisbon in the least.

But the three of them still kept looking at her; it was awkward trying to avoid that very large elephant in the room. Finally Lisbon couldn't take it any longer. "You don't have to keep staring," she told them, her voice was too soft for it to bring any levity but it was better than nothing. "I just want everything to get back to normal." She sighed and straightened up a bit, "That means that I need to be brought up to speed on your latest case."

Cho nodded an immediately went back into his calm professional manner, exactly what she wanted. "Hillary Branton was found dead in the state park," he told her, pulling out the case file.

"Some drunk frat boys found her," Rigsby added.

"That must have been interesting," Lisbon said off hand.

Rigsby actually grinned now. "You have no idea, Jane scaring off drunk nineteen year olds in their boxers was priceless." He laughed then and Grace let out a giggle, even Cho cracked a smile at the fond memory.

But Lisbon couldn't bring herself to laugh at that; she couldn't fake it, not now. Unfortunately the other members of her team noticed and that brought the levity to a screeching halt.

"The victim moved to Sacramento six months ago," Cho said quickly, filling in that awkward silence. "Her family is out of state so we're focusing on her co-workers."

Lisbon nodded and tried to hide the fact that she felt completely out of sorts. "All right, I know you guys have done some good work so I'll let you get back to it while I catch up." She took the file from Cho's desk and turned back towards her own office.

But she couldn't leave it like that. She stopped in her tracks and turned back to see them, they had all been discreetly watching her leave. "Thank you," she told them softly. She didn't know what she was thanking them for though. Was it because they had tried to treat her like nothing had changed? Because they had continued to work well even with her out for six weeks? Because they had worked so hard to solve her own case?

Lisbon thought that maybe it was a little bit of each.

None of them said anything and she knew acknowledging what her words meant would only make things worse.

She turned away again but caught Jane's eye. He had quietly slipped back over onto his couch, a very familiar sight except for the emotion in his gaze. He was watching her with gentle concern and she wasn't sure how to get rid of it. It spoke volumes, that he wasn't fooled at all by her mask of faux professionalism. He knew that she felt strange and disappointed, things weren't quite like she had wanted but they would improve. They had to.

So Lisbon gave him a small smile before scurrying away to her office so she could bury her head in a case file and be away from the prying eyes of everyone in the building. They were all watching and waiting to see her break down.

* * *

><p>The team had done good work so far on the Branton case and she didn't want to take it away from Cho, not when he had started out as the lead agent on this one. She remained in her office, going over the victim's file. She was much more thorough than she had to be. There was something comforting in hiding behind a thick, manila file. It served as a wall that protected her from the many eyes that wandered to her office. She was tempted to close the blinds, but that would just suggest to everyone that something was bothering her. Nothing was, she was fine. Perfectly fine.<p>

She could catch Cho and Rigsby glancing her way often enough. She knew they were concerned and thought it was sweet, but she didn't need them to hover over her. She only saw Grace look over once. Van Pelt must really feel ashamed to have such a boss. Lisbon remembered how she'd cleared out of her apartment after helping her with her hair. That was fine. It didn't hurt…much.

Lisbon forced herself to focus again on the case file. Work had always been a distraction from her problems before, it was her oldest form of therapy. When her father had pounded on her and her brothers, she had buried herself in school and her after school job. It would work the same way. She would work and work until one day she realized the rape was a distant memory.

There was a soft rap on her door that stole her attention away from the file. Jane was there, smiling and holding up a brown paper bag.

"What's that?" she asked.

"Lunch," he said before inviting himself inside. He pulled out a cellophane wrapped sandwich and gave it to her.

The clear, plastic wrap told her exactly what kind of sandwich it was. "Peanut butter and jelly?"

"It's comfort food," Jane said.

"When I was five. Do you have a juice box and some animal crackers in there as well?"

Jane snapped his fingers. "I knew I forgot something." His smile was just as teasing as ever and forced her to grin back at him.

"Thanks, Jane." She unwrapped the sandwich even though it looked as appealing as rancid cow tongue to her. He always seemed concerned about her when it came to her eating habits, more than he ever had in the past since it wasn't uncommon for her to miss a meal now and then. She just ate when she was hungry.

Jane produced two cans of soda and two snack sized bags of chips. "Not animal crackers, but they'll do I guess."

He sat down in the chair across from her desk. "Still catching up, I see." He nodded towards the case file.

"Yeah," she said, taking a bite from her sandwich. She waited until she swallowed before she said, "I was looking at the boyfriend, Tom Hollows, what do you think of him?"

Jane shook his head. "He's too clean."

"He doesn't have a solid alibi," Lisbon reminded him.

"No I mean he is too neat and tidy. Everything is in perfect order, even his garbage was organized. The scene was far too messy for someone as anal-retentive as him."

"Fine then, who do you think it could be?"

Jane popped a chip into his mouth with a shrug. "I don't know yet. There are two different suspects warring it out right now."

"I guess it's too much to ask for you to tell me these two suspects."

The smile he flashed her was completely expected. "No sense in doing that yet. You're still catching up."

The old Lisbon probably would have rolled her eyes and whispered, "Jackass" under her breath, just loud enough for him to hear. He would have laughed and commented on her impatience. But this new Lisbon just nodded. "All right. You know what you're doing."

"No, not really," Jane said, "My plans are always fluid. I make things up as I go and hope for the best."

Lisbon sipped her soda. "You still manage just fine."

Jane squinted at her for a long moment and then gently shook his head. "You're still not yourself."

She froze with the soda can halfway between her lips and her desk. Her green eyes met his but swiftly looked back down at the file. "I'm trying," she said.

"I know you are. I'm not upset, Lisbon, I'm just stating a fact. You're still not completely comfortable."

Her eyes were on her hardly touched sandwich as she shook her head. She stared at the pores in the bread, the curves her teeth had made when she bit into it. It was a perfectly good sandwich, but now she just wanted to throw it away. No, she wanted to do more than that. She wanted to scream as she threw everything off of her desk. Better still, throw a chair through the windows of her office like she'd done when she was only pretending to act crazy. Jane had thought it had been a nice touch. She needed to destroy something_. _Maybe it would make her feel better.

She jumped a little when something touched her hand. She glanced up and saw that it was just Jane. She had actually forgotten he was still there. Jane drew back his hand for a moment and then put it back over hers. "Lisbon, it isn't going to be easy. No one expects you to jump right back in where you left off. You need to take your time and only do what feels right."

One corner of his mouth lifted up while his other hand went to her face. His thumb brushed away a tear that had sneaked out of her eye without her even realizing it. "And remember, I'm here. I'll do whatever you want, I'll even follow the rules if that will make you feel better."

She couldn't help but let out a puff of a laugh through her nose and smile. She reached up to take the hand by her cheek, now holding both of his hands. "Patrick Jane, willing to go by the book. The four horsemen must be on the loose then."

Jane smiled back at her, but there was still something serious in his gaze. "You know this isn't the end of the world." She knew he wasn't talking about today. It was the same thing she had told herself over and over again, getting raped wasn't the end of everything.

Sometimes it felt like that, though.

Lisbon didn't tell Jane her doubts. She just nodded. "I know that."

"Good," he said, releasing her hands so he could pick up his sandwich. "Now finish that delectably sandwich I so thoughtfully made for you."

"You got it from the store across the street," she said.

Jane's lips were still curved up as he chewed. "Don't ruin it, woman," he said after he'd swallowed.

Lisbon grinned back and held up her sandwich to him to show she was going to eat. She wouldn't ruin it, not when only now did she finally feel almost whole.

Almost.

* * *

><p>As the minutes ticked by Lisbon began to feel more and more anxious. Nothing had happened, nothing had gone wrong; she hadn't flipped out or had a flashback. But that didn't matter, she still couldn't relax, she couldn't get comfortable. She had been carrying around this idea that when she got back to work that everything would fall back into place but she was beginning to realize that like many dreams, this one wasn't going to pan out.<p>

Her anxiety was only getting worse. Lisbon took off her jacket because she was so warm, but she still kept sweating. Frustrated she threw the file down on her desk, toppling over a photograph and a small basket of extra pens. She looked down at the mess and then her shaking hands, she felt a rush of relief, it had felt good to do some damage. Even though this hardly counted as anything.

The idea of throwing a fit flashed through her mind. It might be nice to finally just let it all out and scream. But that wasn't how normal people acted, only crazy people did things like that. And she wasn't crazy.

Right?

She shook her head and immediately stood up from her desk. Coffee, getting coffee was the normal thing to do. Not sitting around contemplating acts of violence. The break room was empty except for one occupant. Grace sat down at the table, shaking a packet of sugar before she tore it open so she could sweeten her own mug of coffee. Her eyes were on the report in front of her, which is why she didn't notice Lisbon until she was already in the room.

For a moment their eyes locked onto each other and neither one of them seemed to be breathing anymore. A myriad of emotions passed between them but the strongest was shame. Finally Lisbon spoke, "I just came in for coffee."

"Yeah, of course," Grace said, standing up abruptly from the table. "I have to finish reading this report for Cho…I mean you…I mean…" she faltered for words in this moment awkwardness.

"I'm still getting back on my feet," Lisbon said softly, "Cho's still lead agent on this case for now."

Grace nodded. "Cho then…I should go talk to him." She grabbed the file and bolted out of the room, leaving her still steaming coffee onto the table, next to the empty packet of sugar. She hadn't even gotten the chance to stir it in Lisbon noticed bitterly; she could clear a room pretty quickly these days. She didn't know if it was because she'd been raped or because of the confrontation in her apartment a week ago but Lisbon had a feeling that she'd lost Grace's respect forever.

Just one of the many things she'd lost recently.

She poured herself a mug of coffee, not really sure why she'd decided to get some anymore. Still she sweetened the brew and poured in a little cream, but she took a sip it tasted like sawdust. Nothing seemed appetizing anymore. But since it was caffeine, which she desperately needed after her still many sleepless nights, Lisbon took the mug with her on her way back to her office.

But as she rounded the corner she heard her name, which made her pause mid-step.

Gina was the secretary for the Organized Crime Unit and she was chatting with one of the interns, Renee, from Financial Crimes. "Have you seen Lisbon yet?"

"I saw her when she first came in," Renee said, "she looks a lot better than she did during the press conference."

"But she doesn't look like herself, she keeps looking over her shoulder like she's afraid."

"Maybe she has good reason, I heard that the guy who did it could work here."

"God, can you imagine? Somebody beat and raped her and she doesn't even know who he is. He could be anybody!" Gina gave an exaggerated shudder, "Ugh it's terrifying to think that someone we work with could have done this, what if he attacks someone else? Or goes after her again?"

"She has to be afraid," Renee pointed out, "this must be killing her."

"Poor Lisbon, she used to be such a strong woman."

The two women walked away but Lisbon remained rooted to her spot. Poor her. She_ used_ to be so strong.

Used to be, meaning she wasn't anymore. It wasn't anything Lisbon hadn't already known but it was different to hear other people saying it. She was broken, damaged beyond full repair and everyone knew it. It didn't matter what sort of appearance she put up or how normal she acted, it was all for nothing because everyone could see past her lies.

Somehow she made it to her office and sat down again, she didn't take a sip from her coffee but simply stared off into space. She couldn't stop thinking about what those women had said. She wasn't strong anymore, that this was killing her. They were right. She was afraid because the man who raped her might be in this building right now, watching as she continued to fall apart. Was he happy, was he gloating over his victory? Was he waiting for another opportunity to catch her off guard, to hurt her and rape her once more? What if once wasn't enough? What if he wanted to taste victory again? Maybe he was watching right now, waiting for just the right opportunity to strike.

Her phone chirped loudly and she jumped, startled by the noise. Lisbon grabbed her phone and answered her even though her voice was shaky. "Hello?"

"Teresa? It's Dr. Cargill."

That surprised her. "Dr. Cargill? Yes, hi uh…I'm sorry why are you calling?"

"I wanted to make sure everything was all right. You missed our session yesterday."

Oh yeah, that's right, she'd had a therapy session yesterday morning. But after she'd gotten the call from Wainwright saying she was allowed back at work, she'd wanted to act like everything was exactly how it used to be…and that meant no need to go get her head shrunk twice a week. "Yes, I'm sorry about that," Lisbon said quickly, "But today is my first day back at work and I just…I'm still trying to catch up."

"Of course, how has your day been?"

How has her day been? It was hard to say, nothing earth shattering had happened except she felt like this was close to a disaster as it could be. "Uh it's…it's fine," she lied.

"Are you having any difficulty adjusting?"

"Nope," Lisbon said quickly, "It's like I never left."

From the way her therapist hesitated, Lisbon knew she'd been caught in a lie. "You know, Teresa, it is perfectly normal for things to be strained. After such an ordeal, no one expects you to have everything under control."

"I'm fine," Lisbon replied.

"Are you still having problems sleeping?"

"I'm handling it."

"What about being touched? Are you uncomfortable in crowded rooms or with strangers?"

"I…I'm working through it," Lisbon told her, but her voice betrayed her.

"Teresa, you need to continue your therapy. It is important for your recovery."

Lisbon was floundering for a way to end this conversation. Which is why she was so grateful that Rigsby knocked softly on her door before entering the room. "Uh, I have to go Dr. Cargill, something has come up on a case."

"Teresa, this is important—."

"I'll talk to you later," Lisbon said and quickly hung up the phone. She turned her attention towards the man in her office. "What's come up?"

Rigsby looked a little surprised by her flustered demeanor, or her hanging up on someone. But he was a professional so he ignored it. "Uh, Hillary Branton's ex-boyfriend was pulled in by some local cops, he got into a fight with them when they pulled him over."

Lisbons raised an eyebrow. "Sounds like he has a lot of issues."

Rigsby nodded. "Cho and Jane are talking to the victim's mother, you want me to grab Grace and—."

"No, I'll go with you," Lisbon told him with a small smile. "It's part of the job right?"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course," she said a little too loudly, "I'm still a cop, do you think I can't handle this?"

He shook his head quickly. "No, of course you can." He looked towards the door, "we can go now if you'd like."

"Yeah, sure." Lisbon grabbed her badge and her gun, two items that always had been her shield of protection. She rushed around the desk and almost bowled into Rigsby who took a step back, being extra careful not to touch her. "Sorry, I guess I'm just eager," Lisbon laughed it off even as she carefully stepped away, as if he was threatening her. She noticed the hurt look in his eyes when she did that but she had to ignore it.

They were both quiet as they made their way down the hall, both pretending not to notice the way people stopped to look at her. She waited anxiously for the elevator, silently hoping that it was empty so that she didn't have to stand in a crowded box. She wasn't sure if her nerves could take it.

But when the doors opened she saw that the elevator wasn't crowded, in fact there was only one occupant. Sanford looked up from the papers in his hand; it took him a second to register the two people stepping onto the elevator. "Agent Lisbon," he greeted her calmly, "It's good to see you again, I didn't know you were back at work."

"It's my first day back," Lisbon told him simply.

He smiled gently at her. "Well we are happy to see you have returned, we're all glad you are back on your feet."

Lisbon just nodded but didn't meet his eyes. She stood as far away from both Rigsby and Sanford as she could, she didn't want to be touched, didn't want either one of them to see her weakness.

She breathed a silent sigh of relief when the doors opened on Sanford's door. "Good luck, Agent Lisbon, Rigsby," he nodded to the other man before walking away. Lisbon watched him go and then the doors shut leaving her alone with her friend. She closed her eyes and released another breath.

Sanford knew she was falling apart. Gina and Renee and Jane…everyone knew she was losing her mind. When would it end? The truth was she was beginning to see that the answer that question could very well be…never.

* * *

><p>Hillary Branton's ex-boyfriend, Kyle Lachlan, had been released from the county jail early in the morning. Rigsby and Lisbon found him at his trailer, nursing a bottle of tequila in front of his grainy television. Thankfully, he wasn't drunk enough to be unable to answer their questions.<p>

"I ain't seen Hillary in months," he told them, "She let outta here on her own steam."

"Her boyfriend said you threatened to kill her," Lisbon said.

"That was just talk. She wasn't worth killing for."

Lisbon had her arms crossed and her 'I'm not buying it look' on her face. Rigsby couldn't help but smile just a little. It really felt like old times right now. Maybe Wainwright's talk with them yesterday had been unnecessary. She didn't need any supervision. This was Lisbon, nothing could keep her down forever. She always came back swinging.

"Why did you get into a fight with two officers?" she asked him.

"They tried to tell me I was drunk, but I wasn't. Then they roughed me up. It was self-defense."

"Just like you weren't drunk when you assaulted Hillary," Rigsby said.

Kyle let out a grunt. "That wasn't anything." His brown eyes sparkled when they fell on Lisbon and her gave her a lazy smile. "You sure are pretty, wish you'd been one of the cops I'd tangled with last night. That would have been fun."

Lisbon froze. Rigsby could see the way she tensed up, her hands balling up into fists and her eyes widening to the size of vinyl records. A beat later he noticed that she was shaking.

"What the hell is wrong with her?" Kyle asked, standing up from his chair.

Lisbon jumped back, putting both her hands up in defense. Rigsby moved between her and Kyle, turning so his back was to Lachlan. "Boss, why don't you wait in the car? This won't be long."

She didn't relax, but she did give him a jerky nod. "Yeah, yeah okay."

Rigsby watched her walk back to the SUV. He kept his eyes on her back until she was safely inside the driver's side of the car. He looked back at Lachlan and went through a few more questions. Just preliminary stuff, the man really didn't have much to say.

Once the interview was over, Rigsby climbed in to the passenger seat beside Lisbon. "You okay?" he asked.

"Fine," she said.

"You sure, because I can—."

"I'm okay, Rigsby. I was just a little rattled, but I'm all better now." She punctuated her words by starting the car. His window of opportunity to convince her to let him drive just slammed shut.

Rigsby did his best to keep his observations a secret. He timed them so he always glanced around the windows, as if he was just admiring the view instead of watching Lisbon drive. She was always a good driver, following every rule of the road. He wasn't sure what he was looking for. Did he expect her to suddenly go nuts or was he just trying to make sure she wasn't uncomfortable?

He really wished Jane were with them. He always seemed to know what to do with Lisbon now. Jane could tell him if she was okay or not. Jane probably could have made her so comfortable that Lachlan's idiot words wouldn't have effected her. Rigsby felt completely useless now. All he could do was watch her for signs he wasn't even sure he could spot.

"Relax, Rigsby," she instructed him after he glanced away from her again.

"Huh?" he feigned ignorance.

Lisbon met her eyes, her lips curled up in a smile but her eyes didn't have that warmth to match it. "I'm not going to steer us into oncoming traffic."

"I wasn't thinking that."

"You've been watching me like a hawk, what else could you be thinking?"

"Boss, it's not that," Rigsby said but the words died in his throat. He didn't know what to say.

"I'm not an idiot. I know all of you have been keeping an eye on me."

"Okay, that's true," Rigsby admitted, "But we just want to make sure that you're feeling all right."

"Well maybe I would get better faster if everyone would stop talking about me, stop watching me and just let me deal with this on my own!" Her words were harsh and bitter and her green eyes glared at the road ahead.

The sound of the engine mingled with tires rolling on the concrete was the only sound in the car. Rigsby didn't try to hide the fact that he was watching her now, but she didn't even glance in his direction. She didn't apologize. Didn't say anything, just kept driving.

"Boss…we're just trying to help."

Those were the last words spoken between them for the rest of the trip.

* * *

><p>The day was steadily getting worse and it wasn't at all because of the case. Actually the case was going along smoothly, it was Lisbon's nerves that were quickly destroying her. First it was the many worried looks, the pitiful questions of how she was doing, and finally her reaction to the hung-over moron who'd made a stupid statement. She'd dealt with people like him before, hell she'd been felt up by more horny suspects then she could count. But this time she hadn't felt anger or annoyance, no this time all she'd felt was panic as she'd imagined him attacking her…just like someone else already had.<p>

That incident had shaken her up badly, and she knew Rigsby had noticed it too. That had only made it worse; she hated the fact that her team was seeing just how weak she really was now.

So she'd let Cho handle the interrogation of their latest suspect, she'd stayed behind the glass and watched. She was safe there; she wasn't in a small room with someone dangerous. Of course she kept seeing her reflection in that glass and she'd hated it. She hated the way she looked with her wide fear-filled eyes, there was uncertainty in her features now, she really had no confidence in herself anymore.

Disgusted, Lisbon walked away from her reflection and away from interrogation. She was ready to bury herself in paperwork; it seemed to be the only thing she was good at anymore. Lisbon was caught up in her depressing thoughts that she wasn't even noticing who was walking towards her, until he called out her name.

"Agent Lisbon," Jasper Wainwright drawled out.

Lisbon looked up completely startled to see him in the CBI. Her boss's brother was still tall and good-looking and thought he was more charming than he really was. The last time she'd seen him was the night of the fundraiser when he'd drunkenly pawed at her on the dance floor until Jane had rescued her from his advances. He wasn't drunk now, and while he still obviously liked what he saw, there was something different in his gaze now.

"Mr. Wainwright," she said stiffly, keeping herself at a careful distance from him, "I didn't expect to see you here. You must have come to see your brother."

Jasper nodded a confirmation but his eyes were still settled on her. "Did you receive the flowers I sent you?"

"Yes, thank you," she told him; her words were short and clipped. All she wanted to do was flee.

"Still, let me express my condolences for what happened."

"That really isn't necessary."

Jasper took a step forward and she stepped back, she found herself up against the wall and suddenly all she felt was trapped. "Well I hope they find the bastard soon. If you want, I'd be happy pay him a visit when they do, my trainer is an ex Navy SEAL, he's taught me a few things." Jasper gave her a saucy wink that did nothing to calm her down.

Lisbon felt herself beginning to panic, she had to stay calm but she needed to get out of this situation. She glanced around to see Jane coming out of interrogation, it took him just a second to see her but that was all that was needed. But he was too far away to do anything at the moment. "I appreciate the sentiment, but I…I have things I have to do."

"Teresa, I want you to know how deeply sorry I am that something like that happened to you. If there is anything I can do…" Jasper reached over and placed a hand on her shoulder, perhaps overstepping his bounds or maybe it was just to show support. It didn't matter.

He was touching her.

Lisbon jumped away from him, obviously startling him. "Don't touch me," she said sharply. Jasper stood there stunned, a quiet hush came over the hallway and Lisbon knew she'd garnered some attention. Jane was still rushing over to her but she didn't care, she just couldn't stay there any longer.

"I…have to go," Lisbon said, her voice was soft and dazed. Then she simply turned down the hallway and began walking away, her pace quickening every few steps before she was all but running.

Lisbon burst into the ladies room, which was mercifully empty. She collapsed up against the wall, only now did she realize that she was shaking. Actually that wasn't all; she was having something very close to a panic attack. Her chest was heaving but she couldn't seem to get in a full breath of air, her head was lightheaded from lack of oxygen and all she felt was the knot in her stomach that was twisting so tight she felt sick.

She heard a knock and then Jane's concerned voice but she couldn't say anything, she was still trying to control her breathing. Then he was there, entreating her to look into his eyes and keeping her gaze focused on him. "Breathe," he told her softly, "slow even breaths. In and out, like this." He mimicked the motion he wanted her to do, "just like that, slow and even."

She did as he asked, trying to calm her breathing to something manageable. He was gently rubbing her arms but forcing her to keep her gaze on him. It took longer for the shaking to stop but when she began to feel at least partially in control she stepped away from him. "I'm okay," she told him softly.

"Are you sure?"

Lisbon nodded and stepped over to the sink so she could splash some of the water on her face. "I just didn't expect to see him…or for him to touch me like that."

"He shouldn't have been so forceful," Jane said bitterly.

"He was just trying to be helpful," Lisbon replied, filling her hands with the cold water so she could splash it over her flushed cheeks again. "Besides, it's not his fault that I'm a basket case right now."

Jane gently reached over to place a hand on her shoulder, just like Jasper had done, except his touch really did give her some comfort. "Are you all right?"

Lisbon looked up, shaking the water from her hands. "I'll be fine," she told him simply before walking over to the paper towel dispenser. "I was caught off guard, that's all." She patted her skin with the scratchy brown paper and then glanced over at him. "You do realize you are in the ladies room right?"

The question didn't put him at ease like she'd intended. No amount of joking was going to ease his concern. "I needed to make sure you were okay."

"Like I said, I'll be fine," She replied simply, "I'm back at work and that's what's going to get me back on my feet. Soon I'll be over all of this, I'm sure of it."

Jane didn't look convinced at all.

"You should go," Lisbon told him, "before someone else comes in a freaks out that you are in here." She turned away, wading up the paper towels into a very tight ball but she didn't throw them away yet. "I just need another minute…alone."

He studied her for a long minute before quietly slipping out of the room. Lisbon breathed a sigh of relief when he was gone, still crumbling up the paper towels into a small wrinkled mass. She kept on breathing deeply, in and out, in and out, trying to tell her pounding heart to slow down.

But she didn't tell herself that she would be fine. She was done lying about that now.

* * *

><p>Grace sat at her desk just staring at her computer. She was supposed to be working on her report, but she couldn't focus on it. She kept replaying that brief, awkward conversation with Lisbon in the break room. She had hoped that having Lisbon back at work would somehow make everything magically better. No such luck. The guilt was still there.<p>

After Lisbon and Rigsby had come back, she had cornered herself up in her office and hadn't left it. Jane had brought her coffee twice and judging by the view they made through the windows, he had worked on getting her to relax. Grace knew that from the way Cho and Rigsby had looked that she wasn't the only one feeling useless.

The case had finally been wrapped up so now work was a useless excuse to keep them occupied. She stared back at her unfinished report and wondered if she should just give it up and duck out early.

Cho and Rigsby walked into the bullpen and sat down at their desks without a word. Rigsby put his head in his hands while Cho found some aspirin in his desk and took the pills with a healthy dose of water.  
>"Crappy day," Grace spoke for all of them.<p>

"Yeah," Cho said in agreement.

She couldn't help herself. Her eyes were drawn to Lisbon's office, but the boss was still working. It might have been completely normal, except how tense the air was. Lisbon had only done one interview and judging by the haunted look in Rigsby's eyes when they had returned, it hadn't gone well.

"Where's Jane?" Cho asked.

"Oh, Wainwright wanted to talk to him," Grace said with a shrug. She saw Cho's almond shaped eyes looking across the room towards Lisbon's office. A few seconds later, Rigsby joined in the stare-fest

"Were we all naïve to think this would make everything better?" Rigsby asked.

"What good is a dream if it's not realistic?" Cho replied in his usual, monotone way. However, his voice was pitched slightly lower which showed how much this whole thing was weighing on him.

"Do you think she's any better?" Grace asked.

"She's trying," Cho said.

"But is it working?" Rigsby questioned, "You should have seen her talking to Lachlan. When he made a pass at her, she just froze. I was afraid she was going to panic."

"Was it really that bad?" Grace asked, her voice timid. She was uncertain if she really wanted to know the answer.

Rigsby looked back at her for a while, didn't say anything or move his head. That was answer enough. "She held it together, though," he said, "That's something."

Grace brightened up at that thought. "Yeah, that is something."

"Maybe," Cho said.

"You don't think she's doing better?"

"I think she wants to be doing better."

Grace frowned at him. "What are you saying?"

"When Jane finally smiles again without that look of fear in his eyes, then I'll be sure she's getting over it," Cho said.

Grace looked over at the empty space on the couch. Jane knew Lisbon better than anyone and she trusted him now, implicitly. Cho was right. Jane would know when she was finally moving past that horrific night. She knew what the answer would be if she asked him that now.

No.

* * *

><p>Jane had been expecting to be grilled by Wainwright; in fact he was sure that Wainwright would have a private talk with all members of Lisbon's team. He wanted to know exactly how Lisbon was doing, more importantly, if going back to work was the best thing for her. That was an answer that would not be easy to give though.<p>

Wainwright glanced up from paperwork as soon as Jane entered. "Jane, you did good work on the Branton case."

He actually had to smile at the man. "You don't need to disguise your true intentions with small talk." Jane took a seat in the empty chair across from his desk. "You really want to know about Lisbon."

Wainwright did look a little sheepish at being caught. "I just want to know how she handled herself today."

Jane had a feeling that Wainwright already knew the answer to this question, perhaps it was a test to see how honest he would be, or perhaps he just wanted his opinion. Either way Jane knew how to handle this conversation. "Lisbon is still adjusting," Jane admitted, "she's trying, she still has problems but she's trying."

"My brother said she seemed a little out of it earlier."

He felt the bitter tang of resentment flow through him. Jane remembered seeing Wainwright's foolish brother corner her and then touch her, the man really had no sense or he simply didn't care for anyone's feelings but his own. Jane suspected it was a little of both. "Like I said, she still has problems, particularly with being touched."

"Will this affect her work?"

"Not if we can make things easier for her until she overcomes it."

Wainwright obviously wasn't sure on that idea. "That may not be possible, part of her job is interaction, sometimes that means physical confrontations."

"I am aware of that."

"But you don't see the problem."

Jane shook his head. "Oh I see it, but I also know that the best thing for Lisbon is to try and work through it herself. Her work is her life, if that's taken from her…she won't have anything left."

Wainwright considered that for a moment, despite his misgivings on the situation Jane knew that he really was concerned for Lisbon. He would put her needs above the Bureau's. Jane didn't doubt that. "I spoke to her therapist the other day, she said almost the exact same thing."

Jane smiled a little. "Well most of psychology is parlor tricks." The quip lightened the mood, a little.

"Her therapist thinks that Lisbon needs confidence to move on, she's hopeful that returning to work will do that for her."

He shrugged, "It's certainly possible."

"But you aren't sure."

"To be perfectly honest, no, I'm not sure," Jane admitted, "Lisbon has been pinning all of her hopes on returning, so much so that it could lead to disappointment. Everything isn't going to magically get better just because she is back, she may lose all hope if she feels like she is losing the last part of who she used to be."

His words were more melancholic then he had intended but oftentimes that was the truth. It was like a cold slap in the face, the question is how to handle it once it is realized. "Jane, you understand her right now more than anyone," Wainwright began very softly, "Is…is she going to be okay?"

Jane thought about that for a long time. There were many ways to respond to that question but he also knew that only one was actually the truth. "I'd like to lie to you and say yes…but the truth is I don't know. She can recover from this or she can fall apart completely, both options are entirely possible." He sighed heavily before admitting, "the best I can tell you is to 'wait and see' we'll soon know which way she is headed."

* * *

><p>Lisbon unlocked the door to her apartment and was greeted by emptiness and darkness. It was something she was used to but for some reason she felt it all the more now. She set her briefcase down and slowly walked over to the sofa and sat down. Her first day back a work had come and gone and she felt…nothing.<p>

Nothing. Nothing had changed, nothing was different, nothing had happened that made her feel like her life might finally be falling back into place. She'd left this apartment glowing with hope, hope that once everyone saw that she was trying to be okay that everyone would believe it…and then it would be true. But that had just been a foolish dream of a desperate woman.

She covered her eyes with her hands as she remembered the stares, the looks the pitiful expressions of happiness that were as ridiculous as they were fake_. "If something happens…if you start to feel upset or…anything, don't be afraid to come to me."_ Jane had known she was going to lose it, why else would he say something like that?

There had been the moment in the bullpen when her team couldn't stop staring at her. _"You don't have to keep staring, I just want everything to get back to normal."_ Except they hadn't, throughout the entire day Lisbon had seen them watching her, staring at her, keeping an eye on her as if she was a child that needed to be protected. As if she couldn't take care of herself.

_Jane squinted at her for a long moment and then gently shook his head. "You're still not yourself."_

_ She froze with the soda can halfway between her lips and her desk. Her green eyes met his but swiftly looked back down at the file. "I'm trying," she said._

_ "I know you are. I'm not upset, Lisbon, I'm just stating a fact. You're still not completely comfortable."_

Lisbon bit down on her finger, welcoming the rush of pain that meant she could still feel something, anything besides the ache in her chest and the emptiness of any other emotion.

_ "Poor Lisbon, she used to be such a strong woman."…_

_ "You know, Teresa, it is perfectly normal for things to be strained. After such an ordeal, no one expects you to have everything under control."_

Tears spilled down her cheeks but she didn't wipe them away. They were tears of pain…and anger. Anger at her friends who couldn't hide that they didn't trust her to take care of herself. But mostly it anger at herself, for being the one who was broken.

"_I'm not an idiot. I know all of you have been keeping an eye on me."_

_ "Okay, that's true," Rigsby admitted, "But we just want to make sure that you're feeling all right."_

_ "Well maybe I would get better faster if everyone would stop talking about me, stop watching me and just let me deal with this on my own!"…_

_ Jasper reached over and placed a hand on her shoulder, perhaps overstepping his bounds or maybe it was just to show support. It didn't matter._

_ He was touching her._

_ Lisbon jumped away from him, obviously startling him. "Don't touch me," she said sharply. Jasper stood there stunned, a quiet hush came over the hallway and Lisbon knew she'd garnered some attention…_

_ "I'm okay"_

_ "I'll be fine."_

_ "I'm all better now"_

_ "Everything will be fine"_

All lies.

Suddenly a loud screech escaped her lips and she grabbed the pillow that was next to her and she hurled it across the room. It hit her shelves with a low thud, scattering some photographs and a couple of books.

But it wasn't enough.

Lisbon stood up and took a hold of the nearest object at hand. A small glass reading lamp. She threw it up against the wall and it shattered into several pieces. Next was a coffee table book, then a small dish. All thrown away to be broken.

She picked up the previously abused pillow and smacked it up against the shelf, knocking everything off, framed photographs, glass knickknacks, a little antique sewing box her grandmother had given her. Lisbon didn't care what she was destroying.

The only sound was the glass shattering and her own screams of rage.

One of the shelves tumbled from the wall, more carnage. The pillow gave out and stuffing flew everywhere. That was fine, she just used her hands. She didn't feel the pain when she cut herself on the glass, didn't notice the drops of blood that began to pepper the carpet. Lisbon grabbed another book and hurled it away; it hit the floor lamp which crashed to the floor, blinking furiously, darkness then light…darkness then light.

Lisbon finally stood still, her chest heaving with effort, her breathing was short and harsh through her gritted teeth. She felt the warm wetness of her blood dripping from her fingers but she didn't acknowledge it. Instead she looked at the damage she had caused.

Her living room looked like it had been raided. Broken glass littered the floor, her things were scattered, there was a small hole in the wall from where she'd thrown one of her metal plaques from high school.

It was perfect. Now her apartment finally matched her life. A complete and utter disaster.

She gave her surroundings one more satisfied glance before she calmly turned around and headed up the stairs. One of small glass teetered on the edge of shelf before finally sliding off and shattering on the floor. But Lisbon didn't care about the destruction.

She reveled in it.

* * *

><p>AN: Oh boy, Lisbon is heading to a very very VERY dark place, and it's only going to get worse. Next chapter Lisbon continues to fall further into this pit and she lashes out at everyone who tries to help her, including Jane. Also, her obsession with Lavinia takes a frightening turn. Stay tuned.

As always please review, you guys are the ones who keep us motivated.


	10. Downward Spiral

Disclaimer: We own absolutely nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Hey peeps! Guess what? Tin and I graduated which means more time to work on fanfic over the summer (when we aren't working at our real jobs hehehe) so hopefully that means more frequent updates. But at the end of this month we'll be on a week long cruise in the Caribbean so you can expect us to be off the radar for about a week or so. We'll try to update Lavinia at least once more before then but no promises. You might notice that this chapter is a bit shorter than usual, that's because we are all geared up for the big one. Chapter 11 is going to be HUGE, don't miss it. But this one is the set up, watch and see Lisbon start to spin out of control. The "angst" in the description isn't there for nothing.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Yep, Lisbon is about to reach the darkest part of the tunnel. The good news is that there is light up ahead, the bad news is she has to wade through the darkness for a little while longer. I hope you like this chapter. Lisbon is going to say and do some things that are a bit out of her normal character, but remember she isn't normal right now. We'll see her journey back to the way she was, but don't expect her to completely be normal again. So, are you ready for this? I hope so because the next chap is even more of this.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**GermanGirl:** Wow that's a big compliment there, glad you finally found this little fic. Sometimes we imagine what it would be like if Lavinia was actually incorporated into the show, it would be an honor and it's flattering that you believe it should be done. Well as stated, this idea came when I (Nerwen) was sitting in my Shakespeare class completely fascinated by Lavinia, suddenly I had this image in my mind of Lisbon stumbling into the parking lot and Jane finding her. The two stories sort of melded, the play is a central part of this story, it's title isn't "Lavinia" for nothing. We're happy that you believe it really does add some depth to the story. You'll see now how Lisbon's obsession takes a very dark turn.

**Kourian**: Glad you like it! Here's the chapter, we put it out as soon as possible, not sure if it was soon enough though hehehe

**Cameroon**: So glad you enjoyed it, this next chapter is going to be very dark too. We aren't sure how many chapters this fic will be, as many as it takes we suppose. We know it will probably be somewhere over 20, but we'll have to wait and see.

**Nat**: Wow! Thanks for reading it from beginning to end! It is a sad fic but don't worry, there's going to be sunlight soon enough (sooner than you might think). The first chapter really does serve not just as a way to introduce the possible suspects but as a way to remind you guys who these people were before the attack and afterwards. This story is about changing, as Jane put it, none of them will ever really be the same again. But maybe they'll be stronger for it.

**123TellMeYouLoveMe**: That was the plan, to show how Lisbon started off with so much hope and then watch as it slowly deflates until she bursts into rage. The darkness is descending and it's going to get worse before it gets better (but part of the fun of angst is watching them overcome it) Lisbon does want to feel pain, not just as a punishment but as a means just to feel. Her breaking things was a way to release everything she is feeling, it's effective but I wouldn't necessarily recommend it hehehe. Oooooh you might be on to something with a suspect launching at her, wait until chapter 11 to see how Lisbon reacts to something like that *wink wink*. Jane is strong, stronger than I think he realizes, he's going to be the main part of Lisbon's recovery, you're going to love watching him heal as he is healing her. The team isn't okay, they aren't going to be okay for a little while, but as I said, sunshine will come...soon, just not yet.

* * *

><p>Chapter 10: Downward Spiral<p>

It had been weeks since her return to work and Lisbon had given up on ever feeling like herself again. She would go to work, act out the motions of a CBI agent and then go home where she could find company with Lavinia and her comrades in rape. Those women could understand. Their thoughts were her own.

Lisbon had researched other famous tales of rape, read about rape in other countries; how the woman would be forced to marry her rapist or even be stoned to death for having sex out of marriage even if she hadn't wanted it. She had become obsessed with rape.

Jane still came over frequently. She had stopped hiding her research and he hadn't spoken a word about it, but she saw how he looked at her. He wanted her to stop. His eyes pleaded her to do something else, anything else but this. She knew it wouldn't help. She knew that more she read, the worse her nightmares became. Sometimes she would throw the book down and race to the shower to rid herself of the sensation of having some monster pawing his way past her meager defenses. Lisbon knew that this would only hurt her in the end. But she couldn't stop.

She didn't think she could feel anything else but pain anymore. At least she was the one hurting herself, it was better than someone doing it to her.

She was restless again, afraid to go to sleep. Jane would come over if she called but she didn't want him to. That wasn't true, but one day it would be. It was better to start practicing now.

Lisbon took the DVD of _Titus_ and put it on. She had other books, other films that had similar tales of innocent women being forced upon by vicious, lustful men. Still, she always came back to Lavinia. It seemed like she had endured the most of all the women: mutilation and rape. Lavinia had known her attackers but was unable to say whom they were for so long. Lisbon actually pitied her for that, just a little. Not knowing who had ravished her was much, much worse.

She had watched the movie several times now, usually reading the text at the same time. Today, she left her copy of _Titus Andronicus_ on the table unopened. She let tragedy unfold before her on her television screen.

It was a long film that might have made her laugh for it's odd blend of modern looks and ancient Roman ruins and armor, except nothing made her crack a smile anymore. Lisbon let the actors play their parts without any comments. She shut her eyes as Lavinia was being dragged away. Her screams echoing in her ears. "No grace, no womanhood—ah, beastly creature, / The blot and enemy to our general name, / Confusion fall—"

Lisbon felt numb for most of the film. She didn't care about Titus's pain or Lucius's rage. Sure, she wanted Tamora and her disgusting sons to meet their doom, but they were so wild, almost childish that she couldn't work up much emotion towards them. Maybe this is what is left when hatred fizzles away along with hope. Emptiness.

It wasn't until the end, after Chiron and Demitrius were killed, that she felt a thrill of some kind of emotion. Titus had brought his enemies and his allies together for a meal, none of them having any idea that they were about to become cannibals. She watched Titus serve Saturninus and Tamora their pieces of human pie, gleefully smacking his lips as she swallowed her own children.

Lavinia appeared in this midst of this feast. Lisbon sat up and watched her walk in, clothed all in white except for a translucent black veil. "Was it well done of rash Virginius / To slay his daughter with his own right hand / Because she was enforced, stained, and deflowered?"

Stained. That was an apt description for how she felt. Outwardly, she looked the same but she knew a part of her had been irrevocably ruined. It was like she was a wet piece of a jigsaw puzzle. No matter how hard she tried, she could never fit back into place.

Lavinia had felt the same. She hadn't belonged back into the bosom of her dwindling family, not after what had been taken from her. But now…as she walked into the arms of her father, lovingly placed her head up against his shoulder, she was at peace. She belonged right there.

Titus put a hand under her jaw and whispered, tenderly. "Die, die, Lavinia, and thy shame with thee," and then he snapped her neck.

Lisbon paused the shot, freezing the characters in place as they recoiled in horror. She rewound the scene and watched it again. Lavinia was still serene, prepared and…happy to meet her end. She would die but so would her shame. The sharp crack of bone and the pop of tendons meant freedom for her.

She watched the scene a third time and let it play out. Titus softly placed his daughter on the ground and kissed her. Free, now Lavinia was free.

Deep in the pit of her stomach, Lisbon felt that churning of emotion she hadn't been able to feel. Her eyes were locked on Lavinia's face, frozen in the peaceful sleep of death. She wondered over that biting sensation, the slight burn in her veins that she had only felt on occasion in her life.

Envy.

* * *

><p>It was a quiet morning; no case had been called in so the team was keeping busy with paperwork and the like, often times it meant indulging in low key forms of entertainment like Rigsby's paper waste-basketball skills or Jane's fun tricks. But recently these slow mornings were spent in whispered conversation about their quickly deteriorating boss.<p>

It had been three weeks since Lisbon had resumed her work at the CBI and in that time her team had become all too aware that she had stopped trying to act like she was fine. This was a different side of her, she didn't seem sad or numb, no, now she was…angry. She had no qualms with letting them know it, her sentences were clipped these days and her body was rigid and stiff.

They were all worried about her, that was no secret, but their concern only seemed to irritate her more. But that still couldn't stop them from keeping an eye on her. Lisbon left her office without a word, intent on the coffee pot sitting in the break room. She didn't look at her team once, but kept her eyes firmly in front of her. But her team watched her; they weren't subtle about it either.

When she'd disappeared from sight they turned back to their work. But Grace heaved a sigh and shook her head a little. "What?" Rigsby asked her, knowing full well whom she had been thinking about.

"Nothing," she shook her head again but thought better of it. "I was just thinking…she's just so afraid now. She's even wearing baggier clothing, like she's trying to hide."

"No she isn't," Jane stated, startling all three of them. But his voice was low and somber when he explained, "Those are the same clothes she's always worn, she's just lost a lot of weight because she's barely eating."

That truth was even more terrifying than the idea of her trying to hide her body. It seemed like every day Lisbon was giving up more and more of her essence, like it was being squeezed out of her like a sponge.

"What do you mean she's not eating?" Rigsby said, "I mean, there has to be something you can do."

Jane knew he was the one who was bearing the responsibility of taking care of Lisbon; still it irritated him that the blame seemed to be shifting towards him. "What can I do? I can't force food down her throat." His voice was harsher than he'd intended but that was becoming a more and more common occurrence now.

Grace looked towards her boss's office. "She showers…all of the time. I've seen her go to the locker room and shower when all she'd been doing was paperwork, it's like she doesn't feel clean anymore."

They were quiet for a moment before Cho finally stated. "She's getting worse."

"Yes," Jane agreed, he looked down at the floor, "I know."

Again there was a long moment of silence before Grace asked. "Well you have to do something…what are you going to do?"

His head shot up and he leveled his gaze with her. "What _can_ I do? I can't force her to eat, I can't force her to sleep and I can't force her to accept what has happened." He looked away, running one hand through his hair. "I've done everything I possibly can but _she_ has to be the one to do this. She has to decide to move on, I can't do it for her…I can't do anything more than what I already am."

Grace was the one who chose to smooth the waters. "We know you've done a lot, Jane. I mean, all of her good days come from you. It's not your fault that they are getting further and further apart."

Jane wasn't so sure about that, he couldn't shake the feeling that Lisbon was his responsibility and that he was somehow failing her. But it did touch him that they weren't blaming him for this. But they didn't have to; he was taking care of that for them.

"What happens now?" Cho asked, "What do you think she's going to do?"

He shook his head. "I don't know."

"But she is getting worse."

"Yes, but sometimes people need to hit their lowest point before finally accepting what's happened," Jane explained.

It was Rigsby that asked the obvious. "What if she doesn't?"

"Then she'll spiral out of control and we'll lose her forever."

None of them were willing to accept that possibility even thought it was something that haunted all of their thoughts. "What can we do to help?" Grace asked.

"This," Jane replied, "there's nothing more that you can do beyond your job. I'm the one she trusts so I have to try and push her in the right direction. All we can do now is wait and see what she decides to do."

But that was a lot easier said then done.

* * *

><p>Jane hardly ever slept at the appropriate hours normally allotted to sleep. The nights spent in his lonely motel room only brought him nightmares. His more restful hours could be found on the couch he'd adopted at the CBI…or that used to be the case. He was becoming aware with the startling fact that his ability to sleep in peace here had nothing to do with the comfortable couch and the soothing atmosphere. Instead, it was Lisbon who had made him feel at ease here, who had kept his nightmares at bay. But now she was gone. Her vessel remained, but he couldn't find the Lisbon he knew. Worse still, she had joined his nightmares almost every time he managed to succumb to Hypnos.<p>

He knew Lisbon was barely sleeping at all and he knew she still read those books. He had tried talking to her abut them but she had shut down. She wanted to so this alone. She couldn't do this alone. He knew it and he had a sneaking suspicion that she did too. But she wanted someone to understand what she was going through and so she had turned to characters who did.

She probably even knew that they were hurting her. Pain, sometimes that was the only way to feel alive. She read their stories, relived her own nightmares through their words, and continued to let herself fall further into her psychological grave. He wanted to talk to her about it, wanted to toss those damn books away and make her see how destructive she was becoming. But now when he went to her apartment she hardly spoke and seemed eager to see him gone. Jane could feel that he was running out of ideas on how to make her well.

The charade of sleep ended when his cell-phone rang. Jane dug into his pocket and retrieved it. The screen was lit up with a number he had never seen before. The last time something like this had happened he had received a threat that a bomb was in the parking lot which resulted in him being blind for a few days. History was supposed to teach men not to repeat their mistakes, but Jane had always been a daredevil.

"Hello," he answered.

"Hello," came the response of a decidedly British woman. Not what he was expecting. "Is this Patrick Jane?"

"Yes, may I ask who you are?"

"I'm Dr. Nancy Cargill."

Jane bolted upright from his prone position. "Oh yes, you're Lisbon's therapist." His voice sounded nonchalant, friendly even. Inside, his guts had twisted into frayed knots.

"Indeed, I do apologize for disturbing you like this."

"Not at all, though I am curious as to how you found my number."

"I used some of my own contacts in law enforcement," she said vaguely. It didn't matter how she did it, it was why she had that concerned him. "The reason I am calling is because of Teresa."

"I thought your sessions with her fell under doctor-patient confidentiality."

"They do and I am not calling to discuss our sessions. The problem is that I haven't seen Teresa in weeks."

Jane squeezed his eyes shut.

"I've tried calling her, but she's stopped answering. I don't believe I need to tell you how important it is that she continue with her sessions."

"No," he said, "no, you don't."

"Yes, well I believe she is reaching a critical stage in her recovery."

"She is still in the outward adjustment stage, correct?" Jane asked.

"You've done your research."

"I consulted someone who gave me a brief explanation of what Lisbon is going through. I've been trying to help her in anyway I can."

"Ah," Dr. Cargill said, her voice appearing to be pleased, "I thought you would."

Interesting, now Jane was wondering just how often Lisbon had spoken of him in her sessions.

"Well, this stage is broken up into many different phases. Rape survivors may experience one or multiple of these phases. In allowing her to return to work, I was hoping she would progress into the Underground Phase, where she is adjusting to her life despite her hesitation in dealing with her emotions."

"She was detached for a while," Jane said, "but now she's stewing in her emotions. She's given up trying to be normal."

"Yes, that is what I feared. This is Reorganization, a relapse in her turmoil and undoubtedly the most critical level of Outward Adjustment. The most damage can be done here if she refuses to deal with her trauma. I must get her to see me as soon as possible."

"We are in complete agreement, Dr. Cargill."

"Protocol dictates that I am supposed to contact her supervisor if she refuses to comply with her therapy," Dr. Cargill said, "However, my primary responsibility is to my patients and in Teresa's case I believe she would more readily listen to you than Agent Wainwright. She trusts you and that is more important for her than anything else."

Jane had never cared much for psychiatrists, but Dr. Cargill had certainly just joined his short list of those he admired. "Thank you, doctor. I will talk with her about this."

He heard Dr. Cargill catch her breath so he waited patiently for her to find her words. "I know this must be difficult for you and the rest of your colleagues, and I'm sure it might seem easier for you to just be gentle with her, but now that may no longer be the best course."

Jane frowned a little. "I was told to not force her to do anything."

"Yes, but at this point in her recovery she may need to be pushed. I'm sorry, Mr. Jane, but I do believe you will have to use your judgment to decide just how much."

The phone was hot against his ear and he clutched it with white knuckles. "That's a tall order, doctor."

"I know, but she cares about you and I do believe you care for her as well. I'm afraid that you are the only one she will listen to now, even if it is with half an ear."

Jane shut his eyes again, letting out a shuddering breath. "I'll do my best."

"I'm sorry I can't offer you more, but I feel you are more capable than you think."

"I appreciate your confidence." Though he didn't share it.

"Goodbye, Mr. Jane, and I feel it is appropriate to wish you good luck."

"Thank you, Dr. Cargill."

The line went dead and Jane stared at the digits on the screen. Seven minutes. So that was how long it took for the world to shift from bad to worse. There really was no time to waste.

Jane knocked on Lisbon's door before he stepped into her office. Lisbon only glanced up when he entered and then resumed her work. He didn't expect any greeting. "I just got an interesting phone call."

"From who?" she asked to her paperwork.

"From Dr. Nancy Cargill." Her pen stopped writing. "Ever heard of her?" His tone was jovial, but he knew she could hear his subtle angle to the words.

Lisbon met his eyes. "She shouldn't have called you. She had no right to do that."

"I admit, it's a little frightening that a woman I have never met managed to obtain my number, but that isn't the point. She's worried about you, as am I."

"I'm fine." Those were the two words she said most often now.

Jane shook his head at her. "No you're not."

"I'm here," she said, "I'm working. That's proof enough."

"You're not eating, you're not sleeping and apparently you're not going to therapy anymore. I believe I have ample evidence to back up my point."

Lisbon leaned back in her chair, her eyes narrowing into slits with rising displeasure. "I went to therapy so I could be cleared for work. I'm done with that now."

Jane put both of his hands on her desk and leaned towards her. "Lisbon," he said he name gently, "I know this is tedious for you, but you can't give up on your therapy."

"I'm tired of talking, Jane," she said, "I'm tired of thinking, of remembering. I hate going there. I'm much more comfortable here."

"But you're not," he said, "You're not comfortable in your own skin, I can see it."

Lisbon leapt to her feet. "So what am I supposed to do? Grow another skin?"

"Lisbon, I'm trying to help you."

She let out a mirthless little laugh that chilled Jane down to his bones. "That's what everyone says, but it's not working. I don't think I can be helped. Maybe you should just cut your losses and let me be."

Jane gaped at her for a moment and she took that time to attempt to leave her office. She only managed to get a few steps away from him when he reached out to grab her arm. "I will never do that to you, Lisbon," he said, "I will not give up on you."

"That's a shame," she said sadly, "because I have."

Lisbon pulled her arm free with one quick jerk and abandoned her office. Jane stared after her. The good doctor had said to push her and he'd tried to be gentle about it. Now the question remained if he had gone too far or been too soft. She kept slipping away from him. He had meant what he'd said, he wouldn't give up on her. But he feared he might have to keep that vow until her end.

He feared that was something she longed for.

* * *

><p>A case did eventually come up, Lisbon was glad; it was a welcome distraction for her and the rest of the team. They needed to do something besides follow her with fearful eyes and she wanted to lose herself in her work. But a distraction would only go so far, she never could completely forget that she was nothing but a pathetic shadow of the person she used to be. The fact that she could see their pain every time her team so much as looked at her only made it all worse.<p>

She thought back to her argument with Jane. He was right, she wasn't fine, she wasn't anywhere near _fine_ but maybe that was just how it was going to be from now on. Maybe she would never be _fine_ again. Perhaps the sooner her team accepted that she was always going to be broken, the sooner they could just leave her the hell alone.

They were always watching her nowadays, watching her and worrying and fretting. It was better than the others in the building who would stare and whisper as she walked down the halls. But not much. She wanted to work in peace but Lisbon was beginning to realize that there was no such thing as peace anymore, not in her work or in her home or in her dreams. There was no peace for someone like her.

Lisbon stood up from her desk quickly, angrily pushing her chair away. Her strides were fast and long as she made her way to the bullpen. The four members of her team looked up as soon as she walked in the room. "Tillet's boss sent the name of the client who complained about him, Rigsby you go and interview him, see where he was the night Tillet was killed. Cho, you got talk to his brother, find out what he knows about this complaint."

The two men were quick to start gathering their things so they could follow her orders. Now Lisbon met the eyes of the remaining agent. Grace ducked her head immediately, just like always, never able to look her boss in the eye anymore. Once upon a time Lisbon had felt actual pain and sadness over the change in their relationship. But bitterness had taken its place, bitterness, anger…and hatred.

"Van Pelt, you could stay and look through the victim's financials. But since you can't bear the stay in the same room with me, you can tag along with Rigsby."

All of the air seemed to have been sucked out of the room as soon as the words left her lips. Lisbon noticed the wide-eyed stares of her teammates who were shocked by her brazenness; she even saw the look of humiliation and shame that passed over Grace's face. But Lisbon didn't care. In some ways she enjoyed it, being the one doling out pain instead of receiving it.

She turned towards the break room, leaving the awkward situation she had created behind her. Or so she had thought.

Lisbon knew the footsteps following her belonged to Jane. He was the only one who had any courage at all to confront her about her behavior. Well good for him, he still had to learn that things were going to be different now, that there was no life inside of her anymore. She kept her back to him as she reached for a coffee mug in the cabinet.

"That was a little harsh," Jane pointed out.

She still didn't look at him. "You want me to apologize for stating the truth?"

"I don't think you realize how this has affected Grace."

Now she whirled around to face him. "How it affected Grace? Who cares about how it affected _her_? She wasn't dragged into an alley and raped!" Lisbon leveled her gaze with him and spoke the harsh truth once more. "Do you have any idea how much it hurts just _looking_ at her? She was there that night; she was there just a few feet away from me. But _she_ didn't piss someone off, _she_ wasn't caught off guard and beaten and violated that night…and I _hate _her for it."

Jane's eyes remained somber but he didn't look angry at her by any means. "You're jealous of her, it's understandable."

Lisbon slammed the empty mug onto the counter. "Stop saying things like that. Don't tell me you understand, don't give me your pity, I don't _want _it."

"I don't pity you. No one here pities you."

"Yes they do," she replied easily. "Do you think I'm blind or something? I see it, I see everything. I see the way they all stop and stare and whisper about the poor pathetic Agent Lisbon, how she has to walk these halls in terror because she doesn't know who raped her." Her voice softened and tears pricked her eyes as she looked up at him. "I see the way the team looks at me…I know that none of you want me here."

Jane shook his head, "That's not true."

"Yes it is. Grace can barely sit in the same room as me. Rigsby and Cho, whenever they look at me it's with _shame_ and _guilt_ and you…" A tear slipped down her cheek, "all I see in your eyes is _fear_…as if you are just waiting for me to fall apart."

For once, it was Jane who looked away. That was good, because she saw that same fear in his eyes once more. To his credit, he didn't deny it. She turned away from him only to be caught off guard by his touch. He took her hand in his and with the other, turned her face to meet his eyes once more. "You're right." He said simply. "I am afraid, I am waiting…because I know that it's going to happen if you don't fight this."

She brushed his hand aside. "What good is fighting anymore, Jane? I already lost."

"Don't say that," he told her softly.

"It's the truth," Lisbon reminded him. "He won…I lost, and now I have to live with it."

"He didn't win."

Anger flooded her veins once more and she shoved him aside. "Stop saying that! It's pathetic, he raped me, he got what he wanted, of course he won." Lisbon took a couple of angry steps away from Jane. "He raped me… She took in a few breaths, looking off into space. "I was raped…I was raped…" then she started giggling, then laughing. "How ridiculous does that sound? _Me_! A cop, a special agent was raped." She laughed again, crazy laughter.

Jane whispered her name softly, "Lisbon." He put a hand on her shoulder but she jerked away.

"Just leave me alone, Jane."

"No," He told her harshly, "I can't."

"Why not?" She asked, her words tinged with anger. "You think you can help me?"

He stood firmly. "Lisbon, if you are going to get through this then you need to stop dwelling on it, stop letting it take control of your life."

Lisbon looked at him incredulously. He said it so simply, so smoothly, as if his advice was just and sound. Jane was the one who was solid now…she was the one who was spinning out of control. Now she was the crazy one.

And it filled her with rage.

"You? Really, you are going to be the one to give me advice. You? You are going to tell me to 'stop dwelling on it', to not let it 'control my life'." Her smile was chillingly cold. "You? You are a man who lives in a house with nothing in it except a mattress, some blood on the walls and his own demons to keep him company." Lisbon scoffed at him with no remorse. "And _you_ are telling me to let it go? Do me a favor, Jane. Fix your own damn life before you tell me how to fix _mine_!"

The words hung between them like a fallow stench, they permeated every facet of the room completely. And Lisbon had done the unthinkable; she'd thrown Jane's own ghosts back into his face. Maybe that was why he was standing there completely stunned. Then a look of anguish passed over his eyes. That wasn't uncommon…except this was the first time she'd ever been the cause of it.

Jane didn't say another word, but quietly quit the room.

She wanted to feel guilt but it didn't come. He had probably gone off to lick his wounds. Or maybe her words had done more damage than that; maybe she had finally broken him too. Maybe now she'd lost his respect, lost his touch and his warmth.

An ache formed in her chest at the thought of losing the one person she'd come to rely on through this. But pain was something she had been getting used to; this was but a drop in the ocean of turmoil that she was already drowning in.

What she felt mostly was something akin to relief. Perhaps now he would finally give up and let her waste away in peace. That was what she truly wanted now, to be left alone in her misery.

It was what she deserved.

* * *

><p>Grace didn't say a word as she and Rigsby left the CBI and climbed into the company's SUV. If he noticed her wiping a few tears that leaked from her eyes, he didn't say anything. He was always good for that. He knew when he had to be patient with her.<p>

She knew what everyone was going to say: Lisbon isn't herself, she doesn't really mean it, don't take it personally. She knew that they meant it too, but she also knew that it couldn't possibly be true. Lisbon had meant it and Grace did take it personally. It didn't hurt that Lisbon had lashed out at her. No, what killed her was knowing she was partly to blame.

Lisbon didn't hate the guys, just her now. That was her fault because she hadn't been strong. She should have visited her at the hospital, called to check up on her, maybe brought her flowers or baked goods. Sure, those things were all corny and would irritate Lisbon but it was the thought that counted, literally. Jane and the others all went, they all showed they were behind her. Grace had been too ashamed of her own failings to do that. Lisbon hated her for her weaknesses.

"Grace," Rigsby said her name softly, "are you okay?"

She could lie, but that had always been hard to do with Rigsby. She shook her head. "No, not really."

"Look, Lisbon didn't—."

"Yes she did."

"What I mean is that she wouldn't…she's not her…" Rigsby ran out of clichés. Grace watched as he glared at the road ahead of him. "Damn that bastard. Damn him to Hell."

If only they knew who he was. If they could find him for Lisbon maybe she would reclaim some part of her old self again. Grace wanted to believe that, but Jane seemed worried now. There were a thousand questions she burned to ask him. Every time she saw him alone she almost interrogated him for answers. What can I do to help her? Is she looking any better? What are your theories? Are you starting to lose hope too?

That last one terrified her the most.

"Do you think it will help?" Grace asked before she could stop herself. She longed to grab those words and pull them back into her mouth. But they were born and Rigsby was looking at her.

"What will help?"

"Finding the rapist."

Rigsby turned his attention back to the road. His shoulders were slumped and his brows were knitted together. He didn't say a word, just watched as yellow lines on the street disappeared beneath the wheels of the SUV.

"I don't know," he said. Then he shook his head and let out a sigh. "Honestly…no. At least, not right now. Not with her acting like this."

"But don't you think she'd feel safer?"

"I don't think that's the problem. She's forgetting who she was. She's angry and ashamed and she's not doing anything to change that."

Grace nodded with her eyes on her knees. It hurt, but at least it was an honest answer and probably true. Lisbon didn't shower two-three times a day because she was afraid, it was because she felt unclean. She was ashamed of what had happened to her.

Before the ball, none of them could ever had dreamed that something like this would happen to Lisbon. But Grace knew that even if she had imagined it, there was no way she could have predicted that Lisbon would wind up like this. She had always been the strongest of the team. She was their leader, calm and cool under any circumstances. For crying out loud, the woman had been strapped to a bomb and had managed to remain levelheaded. That was just Lisbon, but apparently even the strongest of walls have a weakness.

"Do you think it should have been me?" Grace asked.

Rigsby slammed the car to a sudden halt. The car behind them leaned on their horn and they could hear his muffled curses as the driver leaned out the window. Rigsby stared at Grace for a long moment, long enough so the other driver pulled around him. Rigsby didn't even see that he was flipping him off as he left them behind.

Finally, Rigsby pulled the car onto the side of the road and put it in park.

Rigsby grabbed her arm in a firm, but not painful grip. "I don't want to hear you say that ever again." His voice was harsh, but even and low.

"But—."

"No," he said, "It shouldn't have happened, that's that. I don't want you thinking that you deserved it instead of her. If you keeping thinking that then I swear to God I will make you see a therapist too."

"Rigsby—!" she cried out his name in protest.

"I'm serious, Grace. You can't think things like that."

Grace collapsed back into her seat. She looked at her hands, the nails were chewed down to the quick and her palms were clammy with sweat. "Okay," she murmured, "I know you're right."

Rigsby let go of her arm, but he didn't put the car back in motion. He just waited for her to continue. He knew her far too well.

"It's just…I can't stop thinking about how I would be like if it had happened to me," Grace said, "I mean she's so…I would be so much worse than that, at least I think I would."

"You don't know that."

"But she's always been stronger than me. I admired her for that, and now…" Grace shook her head slowly. "If it had happened to me, I know she would have been at my side the entire time. She would come to my house every day whether I wanted her there or not. She probably would have driven me to my therapy appointments to make sure I went. So why can't I do all of that for her?"

"Everyone is different," Rigsby said, "We can't know how we'll react to a situation until it happens."

Grace shrugged her shoulders a little while she toyed with a ragged part of her chewed nail. "I guess." She let out a long breath, silently berating her frailties. "I just wish I were stronger."

She remembered how when she was little she used to believe that if she shut her eyes and wished hard enough that it could come true. Even though she had long ago learned that falsehood, Grace still closed her eyes and wished. She imagined everything she could have done to prove to Lisbon that she did care, that she was still her friend and that everything would be okay. It was a pretty fantasy, empty of guilt and most definitely too good to be true.

Her eyes were still closed when Rigsby reached over and took her hand into his larger one. "Grace, you are strong," he said softly, "I know you don't think you are, but it's true. You could have ducked away, called in sick or even run from it all entirely, but you didn't. Every day you come in and you try and every day you get a little bit closer."

She flicked her eyes up to him. "I keep hoping that she'll be better tomorrow."

Rigsby nodded and used his free hand to tuck one lock of her red hair behind her ear. "I know, so do I. And you know what? One day she will be."

"Are you sure?" She hated herself for asking that question.

Rigsby bit his lip, breaking eye contact with her. He nodded to their joined hands. "Yeah, I mean she has to be."

It was a lie. But sometimes that was better than the truth.

Rigsby let go of Grace's hand and put the car back on the road. She stared out the window, not seeing anything in particular. She had once been told that life was like a road, but now she saw that wasn't true. Roads were marked with signs that defined different paths you could take. You can go left or right and there is always that secure feeling that if you get lost you can find your way back.

No, life was nothing like this road. It was more like swimming in the dark ocean. The surface is up there, you know it and you know you can get there. But you don't know what else is waiting for you in the dark, just waiting to hurt you.

Lisbon had been hurt and now she was drowning. What was worse was that none of them knew how to save her. Grace was beginning to wonder that if Lisbon fell down into the bottom of that sea and never came back, would they be able to continue?

She doubted it.

* * *

><p>Over the years Jane had learned that Hell was not some mythical underworld filled with fire and brimstone, no, it could be found on Earth quite easily. Hell was something he was used to, living with irredeemable guilt and misery was as close to Hell as he could think of. Some days he truly wondered if things could get worse, but lately he knew for a fact that his original assumption was wrong.<p>

Misery can grow like a thick pestilent weed and it certainly had become enormous in the past few weeks. Just today it seemed to have encompassed every part of him, and that was before Lisbon had thrown his sins back in his face.

He wasn't angry with her. He knew what she was doing, that she was lashing out at everyone like a trapped wounded animal. No, Jane was afraid, not angry. He couldn't very well deny that it had hurt him; she had cut him to the bone by reminding him that he was a miserable excuse for a human being. It was why he'd had to leave, he'd needed the time to get away and compose himself, the worst thing that could possibly have happened was to give her what she wanted.

Jane thought back to his conversation with Dr. Cargill. She had insisted that he was the one Lisbon trusted, that he had to push her into moving forward. But he doubted Lisbon's therapist was aware of his own problems with moving past his own tragedy, it didn't present a good example for Lisbon to follow. Then again…maybe he was.

The important thing was to not let Lisbon believe she had pushed him away. She had hurt him but it was going to take a hell of a lot more than that to get him to give up on her. He wasn't going to back down; she had to get past this…he _needed_ her to get past this.

So he waited for the opportune time to prove to her exactly that.

It was late when Lisbon started gathering her things to go home. She was spending a lot of time at the office lately, nothing so unusual except he knew it was really an attempt to avoid going home and therefore avoid her nightmares. Still, she must have thought her words had banished him from her life for the near future because she was startled when he walked into her office.

She got over her surprise quickly and glared at him. "I thought we finished our conversation earlier."

"What gave you that idea?"

"The fact that you walked away with your tail between your legs like a sad dog," she replied smoothly, her words were as calm as they were cold. "If you want an apology then you came to the wrong place."

"I didn't come here for that."

"Then why did you come?"

He studied her for a long moment before telling her. "I know what you are doing."

Lisbon scoffed at him. "Oh you do?"

Jane stood firm and crossed his arms over his chest. "You are trying to push me away, to push us all away. It's why you are saying every terrible thing that comes to mind." He shrugged, "I've done it too, and you've called me out on it, just like I'm doing to you now."

She pushed her paperwork aside and stood up now, her whole stance was defensive. "I'm not doing anything."

"Yes you are, you are trying to push us all away because you think that it's a punishment, that you deserve everything that has happened."

Lisbon rolled her eyes. "Because you know me so well."

"I know what you are feeling."

Her eyes flashed angrily. "No you _don't,_ you have _no_ idea what it is like to be raped."

Jane held up a hand to stop her from giving him another graphic reiteration of what it is like to be raped. "I'm not saying I know what you are going through, I can't imagine what it feels like to carry something like this around." He paused for a moment before telling her softly, "but I do know what it is like to hate yourself for the terrible things that have happened. I know that all you want to do is lash out at everyone and everything not just because you don't think they understand, but because you don't believe you deserve anything that could be construed as good."

She was quiet as she thought about his words but he saw the smoldering anger there just beneath the surface. "Don't think that just because your family is dead that that gives you the right to tell me what to do." Jane did what he could to hide the wince at the mention of his family. "You don't know what I am thinking or what I am feeling, you are so messed up, Jane. Why do you think you can tell me how to get through this?"

He ignored the bite to her words and focused his eyes on hers. "You are right," he told her softly, "What I do is a worthless excuse of a life and I have never truly tried to get past what happened and yet here I am telling you to do exactly what I haven't done. That might make me a hypocrite but that doesn't matter."

Jane wanted to take her hand but he didn't push his luck. Right now she was actually listening to his words, which was a victory in and of itself. "The reason I'm telling you…I'm asking you to listen is because I _don't_ want you to be me."

Lisbon wasn't looking at him, her eyes were focused elsewhere but he knew she'd heard every word. He knew she was taking in what he had said and thinking it over. He saw that the anger had faded but it was replaced by some other emotion, sadness or maybe pain. He wasn't sure if that was any better but it might be a start.

Then suddenly she met his eyes again. "I don't want to be you either." He wanted to be happy that he'd gotten through to her but before he could savor his victory she turned the tables on him once more. "I don't really want to be me.

"I want to be _her_," she pointed to a framed newspaper clipping on the wall. One of her numerous accomplishments over the years, it included a small black and white photograph of her. "I want to be Special Agent Teresa Lisbon of the CBI again."

Jane saw her eyes gloss over with unshed tears. "But you know what? I think she's dead. I think she died in that alley along with her power and dignity. And I don't think she's coming back."

Her voice was wooden and numb when she said her final words. "So I guess you are stuck with me then…whoever the hell I am."

She didn't look at him again after that but simply walked past him and out the door…slipping through his fingers once more.

Jane knew he'd gotten her to listen to him, but it was a hollow victory. It seemed every time he spoke her his terror only increased. She said that Teresa Lisbon was dead, that she'd died in that alley.

He didn't want to believe it…that didn't make it any less true.

* * *

><p>The woods were dark and forbidding, like the mysterious woods that children disappeared to in all those fairytales she'd read as a child. But Lisbon didn't stop to reflect on how creepy the woods were; she was too busy fleeing <em>him<em>.

She didn't know where she was going but she knew that if she didn't run away now, he would find her and hurt her. He'd already succeeded once. The memory of his cruel hands touching her skin, roaming over her body only filled her with more revulsion and dread. He'd won that battle, pushing her down onto the ground and forcing his way past her defenses. She'd been violated. Nothing could change that.

Somehow she stumbled along in the darkness. Everything seemed blurry and confusing, she couldn't seem to get a straight thought in her head. She could feel a lot of things: fear, shame, anguish…but everything seemed distant. She couldn't focus on anything.

"Lisbon?"

She heard the voice but her first instinct was to flee. But Lisbon didn't have any control over her body anymore, she couldn't run but continued to stagger away.

"Lisbon?"

The voice was closer, was she moving towards it? She didn't know. Still she moved forward, unable to run, unable to hide, just an endless maze of trees and darkness and fear.

Then she saw him.

He was at the edge of the trees, standing like a beacon of hope and comfort. That was who Jane was to her, someone that could break through this darkness.

But she couldn't let him see her like this, couldn't let him see her shame.

Lisbon tried to run away, she wanted to hide so that he wouldn't have to look at her…maybe ever again. But suddenly he was there, in front of her and he whispered her name one last time. "Lisbon?"

The look of absolute horror on his face devastated her. His mouth open in shock and his eyes betrayed the repulsive sight she must have been. Oh God this was awful, how could he stand to even look at her now? She tried to move away but he grabbed her shoulders to keep her close to him, she heard a small moan of anguish. It was her.

"Who did this to you?" Jane asked her, his voice still filled with shock and disgust.

She didn't know. She'd never seen him; he was still just a shadowy monster out there who could hurt her.

Lisbon opened her mouth to tell him but nothing came out. Not a sound, not a word, not even a garbled scream. Nothing.

Except a small ribbon of blood.

Her tongue, it was gone. He had cut it out.

Jane stepped back when she opened her mouth and she raised her arms to try and keep him close. But that was when she saw them.

Her hands…they were gone, nothing but bloody stumps remained.

Her hands, her tongue, her power…all gone.

Lisbon opened her mouth to try and scream her anguish but there was nothing but the horrific sound of silence…

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Lisbon woke up screaming.

Her bed sheets were knotted around her and everything was damp with her sweat and her tears. She was still shrieking as she twisted and flailed, trying to break free from her web of sheets. Then she tumbled to the floor, her feet still tangled in the covers.

She lay still for a moment; the only sound was her heavy breathing and the pounding of her heart. Finally she lifted her arms and looked down.

Her hands, they weren't bloody stumps. They were still here.

Lisbon raised them to her lips and stuck her fingers in her mouth, sobbing with relief when she felt her warm tongue, there was no blood.

She didn't sit down on the floor for long but instead ran off to the bathroom, seeking the only relief that she knew. Water was the only way to wash away the horrible feeling of revulsion that her dreams and memories reminded her of so often.

It hadn't been real, she hadn't been lost in the woods, hadn't had her hands and tongue cut off. None of it had been real.

Or had it?

As she sat there under the cold spray Lisbon remembered what she'd said to Jane just that day.

_ "So I guess you are stuck with me then…whoever the hell I am."_

That was when she realized what might be happening.

She didn't know who she was…but she knew who she was becoming.

Lavinia.

* * *

><p>AN: We told you her obsession with Lavinia was going to take a dark turn. How about Lisbon blowing up at everyone like that? Believe it or not, that isn't the worst you're going to see of her.

Next chapter: When a woman is found raped and murdered, Lisbon cannot separate herself from the case and she winds up spinning completely out of control. She pushes away everyone and when her job is on the line, things only get worse. Next chapter you'll FINALLY see Lisbon hit rock bottom.

As always, please review, they keep us motivated.


	11. Let it Go

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Oh I'm so excited for this chapter! This is probably the biggest one for a while, at least until...nope not going to give that away hehehe. But this is the moment you guys have been waiting for, the big blowup that will change everything. After this chapter the fic will go into a whole other direction that I think you guys are going to LOVE!

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: The vacation was great, but work has now replaced school in getting in the way of fanfiction time. But we have FINALLY updated and this story. Here it comes, Lisbon finally hits rock bottom. Let's see if she can work her way back up with the help of a certain blonde hunk.

**Anonymous Reviews**

**Gabi:** I'm glad you finally caught up on this story but I'm dismayed at how much you hate what we are doing with Grace. But you are right, you are the only one who has made this complaint and we can't change everything for one person. You have to understand that Grace is experiencing "Survivor's Guilt" and often times that means trying to avoid anything that is a reminder of what she didn't go through. She feels guilty that it didn't happen to her, it's messed up but true. Well it wasn't our intention to have Titus Andronicus be made popular with readers but it is a nice bonus hehehe.

**Anonymous**: Thank you for your opinion, we received a lot of compliments saying that we were doing the right thing with Grace. We're not planning on changing anything in that regard. Thank you so much for reading this story, please stick around for this chapter

**123TellMeYouLoveMe:** Oh you don't know unbearable yet! hehehe. Jane has come close to lashing out several times, but he would do it in private while trying to come to terms with what he can't control. He knows more than anything that what Lisbon needs is for him to be there for her completely. Stay tuned, after this chapter is when the sunlight emerges!

* * *

><p>Chapter 11: Let it Go<p>

The body was found off of a jogging trail in a nearby park, the poor man who found the body had to rush over to the bushes to vomit before finally calling the police. Because it was state land dispatch contacted Lisbon immediately. She'd been happy to accept the case mostly because any distraction was a welcome one.

That didn't mean she walked into the crime scene with confidence, she didn't have any of that anymore. She knew that people were going to stare at her, all wondering how soon she would breakdown, if it would happen today, or tomorrow or next week. It didn't matter; they were all waiting for the big show.

But those kinds of looks were quickly becoming normal for her; they were easily ignored and shoved out of her mind. It was the stares from the team that grated on her nerves. These weren't stares brought on by idle gossip but stares that stemmed from pity, fear, and shame. She hated those looks and Lisbon was finding it difficult to stop herself from unleashing that anger…she wasn't sure if she wanted to stop herself anymore.

Lisbon put aside these thoughts as she walked up to the marked off scene. The coroner was already there, as were Cho and Rigsby. In a few minutes Jane and Van Pelt would join them, making the team complete.

The victim was a lovely young woman, she would never have been described as gorgeous but her features had been soft, subdued, the kind of pretty that sneaks up on people and then captivates them. Right now here eyes were closed and her blonde hair was fanned out around her. Lisbon might have thought that she was asleep…if it wasn't for the white pallor of death that marked her.

"What do we have?" She asked Dr. Wallace. Jane walked up to stand beside her, meeting her eyes briefly. That was enough of an acknowledgement that she would allow. He didn't say anything but turned his attention back to the body, Lisbon was grateful once more for this distraction.

"No I.D. with the victim so right now she's a Jane Doe," Dr. Wallace explained calmly. She reached up to open the victims eyes gently, "Petechial hemorrhaging suggests that she died from asphyxiation." She then pulled down the high collar of the victim's shirt; "From these marks I'd guess he strangled her with his hands."

"That's not all he did to her," Jane stated, his voice was very calm but Lisbon knew him well enough now that she could tell that he was being affected by something.

She raised an eyebrow and said her first words to him. "Care to explain?"

Jane met her eyes and she saw real reluctance there, as if this was the absolute last thing he wanted to do with her now. But he quickly covered it up with as much professionalism as he could muster. "A lovely young woman like her would never have buttoned up her clothing so high."

Lisbon looked down to see that he was right; her blouse was buttoned up all the way to her neck, something that was unusual. Even a relatively conservative dresser such as her would have left the top button undone more for comfort than anything else.

"You think she was redressed," Lisbon inferred.

Jane didn't look at her but instead kept his attention on Dr. Wallace. "Check her wrists."

The coroner quickly drew up the long sleeves of the woman's blouse. Dark angry bruises that looked like finger marks covered her wrists and arms. Lisbon felt the bile build up in her throat while her stomach rolled. She knew what all of this meant.

Dr. Wallace did too if the worried glance she shot Lisbon's way meant anything. "I'll check for sexual assault when we get her back to the lab."

Lisbon simply nodded; she couldn't take her eyes off of those bruises. She remembered what it felt like, to have someone pin her down, to block any defense and force his way in. Visions swam before her eyes of her lying like this poor girl was now, helpless and alone…and destroyed. Finally she had to turn away before she did something stupid like break down and cry…or maybe just freak out.

She met Jane's eyes and she saw concern there, he knew exactly what she was thinking of. "So she was raped and murdered," Lisbon said, trying to sound like she wasn't affected at all but her shaky voice betrayed her.

Jane noticed but was kind enough not to call her on it. Instead he solemnly nodded her head. "He probably held her in a safe location, he killed her because she could identify him and left her here. She knew him, this was personal."

"I can relate," Lisbon muttered and from the pained look in Jane's eyes, he'd heard her.

She moved to walk away but Jane put a hand on her arm, forcing her to meet his gaze once more. There was not a hint of anything but somberness and pain in those eyes. "Can you handle this?" He asked her earnestly, it wasn't the accusing tone of a co-worker, but the gentle concern of a friend.

Like everything nowadays, it only annoyed her more. "Do I have a choice?"

"Yes," Jane reminded her, "if this is going to hurt you then you can step aside, you can let someone else take this case."

"I don't want to," she told him firmly. It was the truth, she didn't want to let someone else try and solve this case. She wanted to be the one to find the bastard that raped and murdered this girl; she _needed_ to be the one to do this.

"Lisbon," Jane began again softly, "you are already in pain now. Do you really want this to continue?"

From the way he looked at her, Lisbon knew he could see the truth. She wanted this, wanted to feel this pain. Pain meant she wasn't completely numb, that there was some part of her that wasn't dead yet. When that was gone…well then she really wouldn't have anything left.

So Lisbon narrowed her eyes at him and unleashed more venom. "I'm not like you, Jane. I don't do this job for fun or for some sick desire for revenge. I do this job because I'm damn good at it."

But Jane took her words easily; he didn't seem fazed by her anger or her insults. Why couldn't he just take a hint? "I know you are, which is why I don't want you doing anything to jeopardize it."

"No you just want me to step away," Lisbon cut in. "Don't you get it, Jane? This…this job is all I have left right now. It's the only thing keeping me going. I won't let you take that away from me."

He raised an eyebrow. "If you don't keep this under control, _I_ won't be the one taking it away from you."

"Sure, Jane," Lisbon scoffed, "I'll remember this conversation the next time a Red John case comes up."

She pulled away from him quickly and walked towards the other members of their team, she could feel his eyes following her but she ignored him completely. "Cho, Rigsby, do a perimeter sweep. It's a dump site so look for the usual signs…and it's a rape case, any signs of sexual activity need to be flagged." Rigsby and Grace gaped at her the moment Lisbon said the word 'rape', Cho at least was able to keep his own fears hidden behind his usual mask of stoicism.

For the millionth time Lisbon ignored the looks on their faces and kept her focus on her job. "Van Pelt, get back to HQ, see if any missing persons reports match up with our victim."

They quickly followed her orders but none of them hid the worried glances they sent her way. This was how it was always going to be, she'd been raped and now she was always going to be associated with it. It was worth screaming over.

When Lisbon turned around she saw Jane still staring at her with a hard gaze. His eyes were silently asking her a question _'Are you sure you know what you're doing?'_

She turned away and headed towards the jogger who had identified the body but she knew he had her answer.

No.

* * *

><p>Lisbon avoided Jane and everyone else on her team back at the CBI. She didn't want to face the questions. Could she handle this? How was she doing? Was she all right? She hid out in her office and let the case unfold but she couldn't get that image out of her head. That lovely young girl lying dead on the ground, killed after she had been raped.<p>

What were here last hours of life like? Had she fought him? Did she scream and beg him to stop? Or did she lie there and wait for it all to end, believing that if she just gave him what he wanted that he would let her go?

She could imagine it so easily, that poor girl lying there as his hands roamed over her body. Whimpering and crying softly every time he laughed, tightening his grips on her wrist until it hurt. He'd probably enjoyed hurting her, relishing in her pain. When she'd looked into his eyes, who had she seen? Had she seen a trusted friend who betrayed her or a casual acquaintance that she'd simply been nice to. Or maybe she hadn't seen anything more beyond the twisted evil that had taken root in his soul.

Lisbon felt real pain now and looked down to see that she'd curled her hands into fists and her nails were digging into her palm. She opened her hand to see deep red crescents, two of which were bleeding a little. Angrily, she wiped the blood away and stood up from her desks.

She marched past the squad room, not even glancing at her teammates; instead she made her way to the elevator. There was only one destination she had in mind.

The morgue was in the basement and always cold from the large freezers and refrigerated drawers. It was a place that Lisbon had always taken as a part of the job, a place of sadness but something that was necessary. Today she entered it with a bit more trepidation, unsure if she wanted to know more about what had happened but desperate for answers too.

Dr. Wallace was going over some notes on a nearby desk, three tables were occupied in the middle of the room but thankfully they were all covered with white sheets. She looked up from her paperwork as soon as she heard her walk in. "Agent Lisbon," she said setting aside her pen, "I haven't finished my report yet."

"I know," Lisbon replied, "I just wanted to know what you found out about our Jane Doe."

The coroner had to be aware that Lisbon was acting unusual, had to be aware that this wasn't normal. But if she did, she decided not to push it, something Lisbon was grateful for. "Well I did just get a call, SACPD identified her as Christine Taylor, her roommate is on her way in to make a positive I.D."

That was something; it meant Lisbon had a name to the face that was going to haunt her all day. "How long was she missing?"

"She went missing two days ago," Wallace explained, "and I estimate she died somewhere between thirty-six and twenty-four hours so he held her someplace for a while."

Lisbon swallowed heavily. "He wanted to take his time with her."

This time Wallace did glance over, a simple look to make sure she was okay. Lisbon had perfected a mask of emptiness; she only hoped that it would be enough to dissuade anyone from questioning her decision. She tried to keep her tone a professional as possible. "Anything in the autopsy that can help us identify him?"

"I ran a rape kit, there was bruising in the vaginal area consistent with rape and I and found traces of spermacide," the coroner explained, "But there wasn't any DNA."

"So he planned ahead and brought a condom," Lisbon said slowly. So Christine wasn't like her, this man had stalked her and planned this for a while, making sure he had all of his bases covered. Christine probably hadn't done anything wrong, hadn't said something to push him over the edge, no she'd just been unfortunate enough to catch the wrong man's eyes.

Unlike her. She'd pushed a man into a blind rage so that the only course of action he could see was force to prove himself. She sure as hell wasn't innocent in this.

Wallace walked over to the body on the far left table. "I sent her fingernail clippings up to the forensics, maybe they can find some DNA there. There was bruising on her abdomen, probably from when he subdued her but the bruising wasn't nearly as severe as…" Wallace stopped as she realized what she'd almost said.

"As mine," Lisbon finished for her, her voice sounded wooden and dead. She was remembering the pain that came with having someone punch you in the stomach and then slam your head down onto the concrete

The coroner flinched a little at being caught but wisely chose not to say anything. "There is one more thing." She began to flip the sheet neatly back away from Christine's head, folding it down across her torso. Lisbon got to see her face, that same pale face of a lovely young girl who had suffered so much before she died.

Wallace pointed to a large purple bruise on the side of Christine's neck, "He bit her and left very good marks, it should be easy to match the impression to a suspect's dental x-rays."

But Lisbon was barely listening anymore; she couldn't take her eyes off that bite mark that spoke volumes about what a savage he was. She knew exactly what it was like. She knew how it felt to have someone force himself on top of you and then sink his teeth into your flesh. As if it wasn't bad enough to have someone violate you…he treats you like an animal along with it, nothing but a piece of meat to be consumed. She felt that bile rising up in her throat once more as she tried to suppress the memory of a monster's teeth biting into her shoulder.

Then she glanced away from the mark on her neck and instead focused on the face. But she didn't see Christine's blank face…but her own.

Lisbon blanched and looked again. It was as it should be, the pale face of Christine was in front of her, not _hers_.

Still she stepped back, the blood draining from her face and her whole body began to shake. "Lisbon," Wallace asked, her voice colored with concern, "Are you all right?"

She took in some deep breaths but knew that being professional was a lost cause now. "I'll…I'll be fine," Lisbon said shakily, "I just need to get some air." She turned away; her steps were quick as she made a beeline for the door.

She was trying to suppress the thoughts, the feelings and memories of her own traumatic night. But it was impossible; every part of her was drowning in the images of that night. How he'd stuffed his fist in her mouth to silence any scream. He'd cruelly forced her legs apart while letting his hands rip open her dress to expose her to his greedy eyes. The horrible pain that came every time he entered her coupled with the disgust of feeling him bite her flesh.

Lisbon raced over to the closest bathroom, not even looking at the people she passed by or to see if anyone was inside. She made it in time as her breakfast escaped her; really it was just a cup of coffee. She knelt down and heaved several times as more liquid came up. In her haste to get to the toilet, she hadn't bothered to close the bathroom stall so she was visible to anyone who came in.

"Are you okay, Agent Lisbon?" The voice of Amy from legal broke the silence, she sounded soft and concerned.

Lisbon took in a few deep breaths, finally getting her stomach under control. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure? If you need something I can—."

"I'm _fine_," Lisbon told her harshly, "I don't need any help so just leave me alone."

That shut the woman up. She blushed and dejectedly walked back out of the bathroom leaving Lisbon alone again. Maybe she had been too harsh but Lisbon was beyond caring about that anymore.

She sat down on the floor for a moment as she tried to gather her thoughts but that last bit of anger was what she needed to pull herself out of her state of panic. She was going to find this rapist and castrate him if she had to.

And she didn't care what anyone else had to say about it.

* * *

><p>Cases usually meant a distraction from Jane's troubled mind. They tested his skills while also forcing him to better himself. Sometimes he even managed to help people, even though it would never be enough to wipe the slate clean.<p>

But not this case. He knew this would be trouble once he had seen poor Christine Taylor. Lisbon was far too fragile for a case like this one. A part of him wanted to talk to Wainwright and convince him to pull her off the case. Jane doubted it would take any effort, but he was also concerned that doing it would destroy any last shred of trust he still had with her. At the same time, he wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing.

Lisbon had done exactly as he feared: attached herself to the case. No, she wasn't just attached, she was obsessed. She couldn't help but see herself as Christine, perhaps even seeing her as another Lavinia.

The others weren't blind to it. Lisbon's obsession had turned her from a firm, but caring leader into having the compassion of a Marine drill sergeant. She snapped and barked out her orders, took away their normal duties so she could burden herself more and then would hide out in her office to try and solve this entire case on her own. It was a sad sight to see.

Jane wasn't surprised when the team decided enough was enough. He was a bit stunned that they effectively ganged up on him in the break room. "I expected Grace or maybe even Rigsby," he admitted to the three of them standing behind him as he poured his tea into his cup, "I thought Cho would have much more patience."

"We're worried, Jane," Cho said.

"I know."

"Lisbon has gone nuts with this case," Rigsby said.

"I would have phrased it more elegantly, but yes, that's also true."

Grace blinked back at him with her large eyes. "How can you be so calm about all of this?"

Jane stirred his tea. "And how would getting all twitchy and bothered like the three of you solve this problem?"

"Aren't you going to do something?"

Jane sighed and set down his tea. He hadn't really wanted it to begin with, just made it because he had hoped the process would somehow inspire him with that elusive thing that would protect Lisbon from herself. It was a pipe dream.

"I wish I could," he said, "But forcing her off of this case could make her see us as forcing her and that would only isolate her from us further."

"Jane, she's not even talking to you anymore," Rigsby said, "It can't possibly get any worse."

He smiled coldly and shook his head. It could get much, _much_ worse.

"We have to talk to her," Grace said.

"Yes, because she's been in such a chatty mood of late."

"We have to _try_," Grace snapped, "Sitting around and watching her fall apart isn't going to fix anything either."

It was a well played barb. Sometimes his mask used to protect himself could really bite him in the ass. But it was better that the team have no idea just how much this was killing him. They were suffering enough as it was, they didn't need his burden as well.

"You can try," Jane said to them, "but don't anticipate much success."

Grace crossed her arms across her chest, straightening her posture while she glared at him. "So that's it. You're giving up."

Never.

Jane shook his head gently. "I'm biding my time."

"For what?"

"I don't know yet." He just knew it wouldn't be long.

None of them had been in the break room long, but Lisbon was on a tear now. She blew into the break room, the only familiar part of her was her ramrod posture. The clothes that used to give her a professional but attractive appearance now were baggy like an old jogging suit. She had dark circles under her eyes and her once lovely face was now pinched up into a bitter expression. What was worse of all was her eyes, they were hollow without any hint of life in them left.

"Procedure says you are all supposed to clear your breaks with me," Lisbon said, "We still have a case to solve."

Jane felt sorry for his teammates. They truly thought that talking to her would help, but this was proof enough that they weren't dealing with their beloved boss. She hadn't returned to them yet.

Cho, Grace and Rigsby all exchanged identical looks, each one begging the other to begin. Then they all found Jane, but he gently shook his head. Any doubts that biding his time was the way to go vanished the moment Lisbon appeared.

It was Cho who found his courage first. "Boss, you're losing it."

Lisbon frowned at him. "What?"

"We're worried about you," Grace said.

"Sure you are," Lisbon muttered and rolled her eyes.

Rigsby gently patted Grace's hand in encouragement. "Boss, you're not yourself. You never used to act like this."

"Like what?" she challenged. Jane saw the three of them eye one another again. "Come on, don't be shy. Give me specifics." Then she locked eyes with Jane. "Surely you have something to say about this."

If it was anybody but Lisbon he would have replied with some witty comment, but now he was out of humor. "Do I really have to say anything?" he offered her instead. She knew he didn't.

Lisbon went silent and just continued to stare at him. Jane didn't make a response. In the silence Lisbon had to reflect on herself and see what the others were seeing. But she had always been one to get defensive when the mirror was turned around on her.

"So what is this?" she asked, "an intervention?"

"We just want to—." Lisbon cut off Rigsby swiftly.

"I mean, really? You guys want to tell _me_ to fix myself up. Look at you." She started with Cho. "You're an ex-gang member who only smiles maybe once a year." Cho's face was as impassive as always, but no doubt the blow felt like a sledgehammer to the stomach.

Lisbon switched over to Rigsby. "You have a criminal for a father and no amount of good deeds will make up for that fact, so why don't you just give up that dream?"

Rigsby swallowed hard and stared down at the toes of his loafers. One shot was enough so she switched to her softest target. Grace. "You got engaged to a psychopath, so why should I trust your judgment?"

Jane wasn't surprised by Lisbon's words, but that didn't mean he was proud to be right. Especially when she turned on him. "And you," she said, shaking her head slightly, "Don't even get me started on you."

Maybe it meant something that she didn't voice his own issues out loud, but Jane wasn't so optimistic. More likely she just knew he beat himself up enough to where another blow by her wouldn't hurt at all.

"The difference between me and you," she said, gesturing to them all, "Is that I'm still in charge."

Lisbon walked out then, similar to the old Lisbon except she never would have said any of these things. The old Lisbon had always comforted her teammates, saw past their many struggles and helped them through it all. She never gave up on any of them.

Jane looked over at his wounded comrades, all sharing identical expressions of pain. They were silent and slumped in their defeat. But there was one thing he noticed that meant a lot. Despite the cuts and bruises, the fear that she would never be the same, none of them had given up on her. Even when she wanted them to.

* * *

><p>Christine Taylor's room was small and cluttered with relics from her childhood. She had been caught in that transition of letting go of her favorite things as a girl and finally growing up, just like all women did after they graduated college. She still had photographs of her when she was a child but the stuffed animals no longer littered the bed, probably on the top shelf of the closet if Jane was willing to look.<p>

His gaze fell on what might have been the most recent photograph of her in the room. It was taken of her right outside of the _"Welcome to California" _sign, the sort of picture one sent out to family to prove that the dream was finally within reach. She had been a very lovely girl, wholesome with that girl-next-door sweetness about her. She hadn't expected this when she'd moved to California.

Jane could see why Lisbon related with this girl, it wasn't just that they shared knowledge of what it was like to be violated but they came from similar roots. Both searching for a new life, following the dream to the west coast and eager to get away what was probably a past mired in tragedy.

He made his way out of Christine's room towards the equally small living room. Christine's roommate, a slightly plainer and soft-spoken girl named Danica was still crying. Lisbon was being patient at least, sitting quietly and waiting for her to compose herself. But Jane noticed that much of the sympathy was gone from her eyes, it was just as she'd said, she didn't have any compassion for anyone else's pain anymore.

"I just can't believe this happened to her," Danica exclaimed, "I mean who could do this?"

"That is what we are trying to find out," Lisbon began simply, "Can you think of anyone who might have wanted to hurt Christine?"

Danica quickly shook her head. "No, she was so sweet. I can't imagine anyone who would hurt her."

Jane decided to cut in a bit. "That's not true. There is always one person, one name that comes to mind of someone that just doesn't seem right. Someone that Christine might have mentioned who made her uncomfortable."

She was quiet for a while before she met his gaze. "There was someone…"

Lisbon got her notebook ready. "Who was he?"

"It was a guy she worked with at the restaurant, she was the pastry chef but she said that the Sous-Chef was acting weird around her, she didn't like how he would invade her personal space or that he kept wanting to drive her home."

"What is his name?"

"Michael Emerson." She noticed the looks that Jane and Lisbon exchanged. "You don't really think it's him do you?"

"We can't rule anybody out."

Danica didn't seem to want to accept that answer. "There's no way someone Christine knew would do this, everybody loved her, it had to be someone else." Then she thought about it for a little bit and her eyes lit up. "What about that cop that was raped a couple of months ago? Could it be the same guy?"

That was probably the worst thing she could have asked.

It was akin to watching a plane crash; he couldn't take his eyes of Lisbon. She froze up and the blood began to drain from her face. A few seconds later her hands began to shake and she balled them up at her sides in order to try and hide it. If Danica pushed this issue he had no doubt that Lisbon was going to panic.

Jane wanted to take her aside and get her to calm down; taking the case had been a horrible idea to begin with. But addressing Danica's faux pas would only make this bad situation worse. The best thing to do would be to get Lisbon out of there.

"No," He told Danica, "It's doubtful that they are connected. We believe that that Christine's attacker knew her."

The hope faded from Danica like the air out of a balloon. "Oh…do you really think it's Michael?"

"We can't really say."

Lisbon finally broke free from her stupor long enough to say firmly. "We're going to find the man who did this. I can promise you that."

That was something new. Lisbon never made promises, especially not ones she could never be sure to follow through on.

But Lisbon shut down again after that. She didn't say another word as they left Christine and Danica's shared apartment. When she actually handed him the keys to drive, he knew that it was really bad. Jane wasn't entirely sure how to go about this; she didn't want to talk and was very quick to snap back, no matter how good the intentions were.

He knew this was heading somewhere bad. There was no other trajectory for Lisbon at this point except down. She needed to actually hit rock bottom before she could find her way back up, the danger there was crashing and burning and never picking herself up.

But that was an ending that Jane was not willing to accept.

He remembered what Lisbon's therapist told him, that she might need a push. So far whenever they had tried to push she had simply shoved back with a ferocity that she never normally would have shown. But he knew he could take whatever she dished out at him, he had to, it was the only way to bring her back.

Jane bided his time until they made it back to HQ. Lisbon didn't say anything but made to get out of the car until he gently put a hand on her arm, entreating her to stay.

"Are you okay?" he asked her softly; knowing that any answer besides 'no' would be a lie.

Lisbon simply rolled her eyes. "Great, first I have to get interrogated by the rest of the team, now you're joining in."

"It's not an interrogation," he said, "I saw the way you looked when Danica mentioned your case."

She scoffed at his words as she tried to hide the pain in her eyes. "I'm fine."

"Lisbon, you do know that she's wrong. It isn't the same man."

Lisbon met his eyes and he saw something very cold there. "I know. _This_ one was merciful."

He raised an eyebrow at her words, not liking where this conversation was going. "I think Christine Taylor would disagree."

"Would she?" Lisbon asked. "You couldn't possibly know what was going on in her mind when he was on top of her, his hands roaming her body and bruising her skin. I can say for sure it wasn't 'please God let me live'."

Jane felt his blood run cold in his veins. It wasn't just fear that was surging through him now but anger as well, anger that Lisbon would ever think of something like this. "Why would you even think something like that?"

"Do you want me to lie?" she asked him but her tone was anything but casual. "Fine, I'll lie. I'll lie and say that living with this isn't killing me. I'll lie and say that I don't sometimes imagine how nice it would be to just go to sleep and never wake up. After all, a lie is better than the truth right, that's been your philosophy for years."

He kept his calm and ignored her attack on him; he was still reeling from the fact that Lisbon wanted to die. The thought of living in a world without her was something beyond hell…it was agony.

"You're wrong," Jane said, but he knew it was falling on deaf ears, "you shouldn't feel this way, it isn't right."

Lisbon was staring out the windshield with a blank look in her eyes. "You always say that I didn't deserve it. That I fought so hard…that it wasn't my fault…you still don't get it do you?" She turned to catch his eyes. "You want the truth? The truth is that I gave up. I stopped fighting. When he lay on top of me and forced his way between my legs…I just stopped. I stopped and waited for it to end."

Whenever she spoke about that night in detail, it hurt him more than any weapon could. This wasn't a surprise though. Jane knew she'd been in shock; he had no doubt that she was misinterpreting what had actually occurred. But damned if he knew how to make her see it.

"It's not like I want to kill myself," Lisbon continued, "but I have to admit…it would be nice to find some peace. To just never wake up again, anything has to be better than living with this for the rest of my life. Who knows, maybe some suspect will take care of it for me."

That was enough. Jane snapped and grabbed her arm, a little too tight but he didn't care. "Don't say anything like that again."

She met his eye with cold determination. "Why? Are you the only one who's allowed to feel that way?"

He didn't back down. "I don't want you thinking like that anymore, I want you to stop."

Then she gave him the coldest smile he had ever seen on her face. "I wish that I could. But some things just can't be fixed." Then she shrugged as if it was no big deal, "You needn't be angry, Jane. It's just the way of the world."

Jane was stunned. He knew those words very well; he'd said the very same thing to her once at one of the lower points of his life.

And she knew it.

Lisbon didn't say another word but opened the car door and walked away, leaving with the last word once more.

It was becoming a common way to end these conversations, her leaving him alone so he could despair over what might happen. He was losing her; he had no doubt about that anymore.

* * *

><p>Lisbon didn't give anyone on her team a chance to try and talk her out of the interview with Michael Emerson. It didn't matter, she could feel their disapproving looks and sense their worried thoughts. She was becoming aware of an odd sensation of seeing herself from the outside. She had seen Jane get this obsessed with a case, always ones that involved Red John, and she'd always tried to pull him back. Now she was the one with the problem. She knew it was wrong, she knew she was hurting her team, but she had become an entirely selfish creature.<p>

Some part of her knew this was wrong, but a larger part needed the pain. It was all she could feel now. She feared that when the pain became too much or if it went away entirely that she would have nothing else to live for. Each day she felt a piece of herself weaken.

The part of herself that knew this was wrong, that wanted her to reach out to Jane in the others, forced her to allow Rigsby in on the interview. Besides, judging by the disgruntled look Emerson had on his face and the way he kept kicking at the table leg told her she would need the extra muscle.

"Finally," he said once they both walked into the room, "Let's hurry this up. I've got a date tonight and if I play my cards right, I've got a chance to get laid."

Lisbon and Rigsby shared an incredulous look. "Since you're eager to leave, then you'll be more than willing to answer any questions we have."

"Sure, whatever."

Lisbon and Rigsby both took their seats across the table from Emerson. "What was your relationship like with Christine Taylor?"

"What relationship?" He shrugged. "We were coworkers, that's it."

"Her roommate suggests differently. She says you kept invading Christine's personal space when she didn't want you to."

"We work in a restaurant," Emerson said, "Sometimes I had to crowd my way in to get things done."

"She also said you offered to drive Christine home on several occasions."

"Didn't realize that was a crime."

"She rejected you, that must have upset you."

He shook his head. "I didn't care. I was just trying to be nice. It ain't my fault that bitch took things the wrong way."

Rigsby frowned at him. "That's pretty harsh if you didn't care."

"Look, I'm sorry she's dead, but it ain't my problem. I barely knew her."

"You worked with every day in a small kitchen and you barely knew her?" Lisbon questioned.

"I knew her, but not like that."

"Like what, exactly?"

Emerson clenched up, his eyes narrowing into dark slits. "Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"_That_. You're trying to confuse me. You want me to confess to something, but it's isn't going to work."

"I didn't say anything about a confession," Lisbon said. She looked over at Rigsby. "Did I, Rigsby?"

"No," he said.

"Sounds like maybe you have something you want to hide, Emerson."

"No, I don't have anything to hide," he insisted.

"Then you won't mind if we search your house."

"No—wait, yes."

"Which is it, yes or no."

"No, I don't want you searching my house."

"So you do have something to hide."

"I didn't say that!"

Rigsby leaned close and said in a hushed voice. "Boss, what are you doing?"

Lisbon ignored him. "Do you want to know what I really think? I think you wanted Christine, but she didn't want you. And that drove you crazy. She rejected you again and again and so she needed to be taught a lesson. You took her, you raped her and then you killed her."

"That's crazy!"

"I didn't hear you deny it."

Emerson shook his head at her. "I didn't do it and you're insane, lady."

Lisbon could feel it in the pit of her stomach that this was the guy. This was the monster who had forced himself on Christine, had ignored her struggles and taken every piece of herself that she had once owned. If only she had the evidence to prove it.

Well Jane managed to get the job done without evidence. She could give that a shot.

"Look, Emerson," she said, "We've got enough DNA to prove you did it. All I'll have to do is get a warrant. If you confess now, you'll get a better deal."

Like hell. Bastards like him don't get deals, she'd see to that.

Emerson froze and stared long and hard at her. He shook his head furiously. "No, I'm not doing that."

Lisbon shrugged. "Have it your way." She stood up from her chair and Rigsby followed her.

Emerson leapt up from his seat. "Lady, I'm not done yet."

"Thought you had a date," Rigsby said.

"You can't go to my house without my permission and you can't coerce me into confessing something I didn't do."

"If you're innocent, then the evidence will prove it," Lisbon said.

"Wait!" Emerson grabbed her shoulder in an attempt to turn her around.

The door in front of Lisbon morphed into a familiar red brick wall. She could feel the crisp, night air, hear the music from the ball…feel _his_ hands on her.

This time she was prepared. She whirled around and gave him a solid punch to the nose. She heard his shout of pain, but proceeded to knee him in the gut anyways. He blocked to defend himself from another blow but Lisbon wasn't in a merciful mood. The son of bitch hadn't shown any mercy to her before, he didn't deserve it now. She punched him again, making contact with his jaw hard enough to hear a solid crack.

Lisbon had more planned. She was going to slam his head against the table, knee him in the groin, maybe even dislocate his elbow. Her plans fell through when she felt two arms grab her from behind.

She slammed her heel into her second attacker's shin and then raised her elbow high so it made contact with his nose.

"Boss!"

Rigsby's voice was high and slightly nasal. She looked over her shoulder at him and saw he was cradling his nose in his hands. Blood was already leaking through his fingers.

The truth trickled through her mind as she felt the blood of two different men mingle in her hands. She hadn't been back in that alley. Emerson hadn't tried to attack her. She had panicked and Rigsby had tried to stop her.

Her hands trembled and the whole scene started to blur into an indiscernible haze. She felt her heart thudding painfully against her ribs while she sucked in air noisily.

"Lisbon."

She glanced up when her name was called and saw Jane had somehow entered the room. How long had she been standing there? Three medical assistants had already arrived to take care of the injured. It looked like Emerson was going to have to go the hospital. She really was losing her mind.

Jane reached for her but she batted his hand away. No. She didn't want to hurt him too.

Instead she fled.

Lisbon didn't know where she went. She didn't take the elevator, couldn't remember how she even managed to the stairs. One minute she was running down the hall from Interrogation, the next she was in the basement area used more often as a store room. Lisbon found one small, cramped little corner that fit her curled up body perfectly. She didn't cry, didn't even feel the sting of her bruised and cut knuckles. She just breathed in the musty air.

It had finally happened. She didn't even feel the pain anymore.

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><p>Lisbon wasn't calm as she stood in Wainwright's office like an errant schoolgirl, she was numb. If she turned around to look out the window she might have seen her team in the bullpen with Grace kindly playing the nurse to Rigsby's injuries but she didn't. She wasn't even seeing the office in front of her; she just had one word repeating in her mind. Crazy, crazy, crazy.<p>

Wainwright entered the office and it didn't take Jane's tricks to notice that he was pissed. Ordinarily she might have felt embarrassed being yelled at by her younger boss but Lisbon wasn't feeling anything anymore. Unlike his subordinate, Wainwright was actually calm even if he wasn't feeling that emotion by any means. When he finally did look at her she knew that she was in trouble.

"Do you have any idea what kind of a mess you have made, Agent Lisbon?" he asked, "you _attacked_ a suspect in interrogation. You've left the bureau open to a tremendous liability, not to mention threatening the integrity of your case and injuring one of your own agents. Do you have anything to add to this?"

Lisbon finally met his eyes and stiffly shook her head. "Nothing."

He was taken aback by that answer. "Really, you don't have any explanation for your actions?"

"If I had one, would it really make a difference?"

She knew she had him there, not that it was much of a victory. Wainwright took a good long look at her and she saw the concern color his gaze. "What's wrong with you."

This time she actually cracked a bitter smile. "You don't need me to answer that."

"I suppose not," Wainwright agreed. He leaned back and sized her up like he was sizing up the situation. "Suspension is mandatory, at least until Monday. I'll be in contact with PSU until they make a decision about all of this."

He held out his hand. "I'll need your gun and badge."

For a second she stared at him and asked herself the question, _how did I get here?_ But she knew the answer to that one began the night she decided to go out for air and it ended on the ground in an alley with a stranger on top of her.

Lisbon solemnly unholstered her gun and unclipped her badge before putting them into Wainwright's outstretched hand. She looked down at the two items that defined her as an agent; the only two pieces of her that she'd had left to hold on to. Now she knew for sure that Agent Teresa Lisbon was gone.

"This was a mistake…I never should have come back." Lisbon didn't take the time to see his reaction to her words. She just slowly turned around and walked out of the door and out of the building, far away from the shambles of the person she used to be.

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Lisbon's team was in the bullpen trying to figure out what to do next, it was impossible to act like everything was normal when Rigsby was still holding an icepack to his face. She'd hit him pretty good, of course Emerson had gotten the worst of it. But at least Rigsby's nose had stopped bleeding and he didn't seem to mind Grace's attention in the least. Not that Rigsby was able to focus on his former paramour's ministrations; they were all too worried about their boss to think about anything else.

Jane was the only one acting fine; he sat calmly on his couch waiting for the inevitable. It was all a clever façade but he also knew that constantly checking to see if Lisbon was on her way back was going to do no good. He also knew that they wouldn't have to wait for long.

He was right. Lisbon walked quietly out of Wainwright's office but she didn't stop by the bullpen or her office, she never even glanced in their direction. Instead she made her way to the elevator without a word towards an explanation.

"Where's she going?" Rigsby asked, Jane attributed his obliviousness to not wanting the situation to be as bad as it was.

Cho knew though. He exchanged looks with Jane before Jane stated the obvious. "She's been suspended."

"At least," Cho added somberly.

Grace looked up, immediately freaked over Cho's worst-case scenario. "You mean…she could be fired?"

"She attacked a suspect and Rigsby."

Rigsby looked at Grace as if he wanted to help but wasn't sure how. "Well when I hit that guy in interrogation it turned out all right."

"Lisbon wasn't hypnotized," Cho reminded him.

"But she's not herself."

"No, she's not."

There was a very long moment of silence as they all came to terms with what very well might be happening. But Jane wasn't quite that concerned, he was worried about the woman not her job. He didn't want to state the terrible truth that it would look bad for the bureau to fire her after what she went through, he knew Bertram was eager to avoid the lashing by the press again.

Her job was secure; her sanity was another matter entirely.

"What can we do?" Grace asked, unable to hide the helplessness in her voice.

It was Jane who spoke this time. "Nothing, there's nothing more we can do right now."

None of them were willing to accept that.

"There has to be something," Rigsby said uncertainly.

"No," Jane replied simply, "there isn't."

They hated that answer; they didn't appreciate him saying it either. "How can you say that?"

"Because it's true."

Grace really wasn't taking his bluntness well at all. "So you're just going to leave her like this?"

"There is precious little I can do."

"How can you be so calm about this?"

Ironically, he was losing his calm just then. "Believe me, if tearing my hair out would fix Lisbon, I would do it." He sighed heavily. "I knew this was coming, she was going to fall apart eventually, it was only a matter of time."

Grace seemed to be taking that a little bit better. "Now what?"

"Now we wait and see if she pulls herself back onto her feet…or decides to let it consume her."

They were quiet for a bit before Rigsby asked the question they all wanted answered well. "What do you think she'll do?"

But Jane didn't answer. He didn't want to give them any false hope. The truth was that he had mixed feelings. Relief that the worst was finally happening…and fear. Fear because he knew that this was it. This was the moment that would decide everything. If he failed, he failed.

There was no going back.

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><p>Lisbon's reaction to the Emerson grabbing her was a very popular subject at the CBI. Wainwright had even pulled them all aside to ask if perhaps Lisbon had returned to work too soon or that maybe her therapist should be called in. Jane wasn't sure about that. He knew that she was still having problems coming to terms with what happened to her and really who could blame her? But he also had a feeling that work might be the one thing that she could hold on to during this time, especially since they were no closer to catching the man who raped her.<p>

Jane was worried about her; he knew she was upset over what had happened that day. She shouldn't be alone when she was feeling this way.

He knocked on her door politely but after a few minutes there was no answer. That had him worried, under normal circumstances Lisbon would never try to hurt herself…but she was in turmoil. When a person feels like a trapped animal, well he knew that they could be capable of anything.

He decided to risk losing some of her trust and took out the spare key he had lifted from her apartment a few weeks earlier. He'd taken it precisely for this reason after all.

Jane slipped the key into the lock and heard the small 'click' denoting that the door was free for him to open now. When he did, he was greeted by an unsettling picture.

Lisbon stood in the middle of the living room, her feet were planted firmly on the carpet, shoulders squared and she had her gun pointed straight at him.

On instinct Jane raised both of his hands over his head. "It's just me."

She lowered the weapon as if it was too heavy to hold. "What are you doing here, Jane?" Her voice was watery and her words were slightly slurred. She took a few unsteady steps back towards the couch where an open bottle of tequila rested on the coffee table. There was no doubt what was happening now.

"You're drunk." Jane stated taking in her flushed face, unfocused eyes and shaky movements. She still was holding her gun.

"Very observant," Lisbon said, pointing his finger at him. "Observant, that's you. That's why we keep you around." She giggled a little afterwards.

She sat down heavily onto the couch, resting the gun in her lap. A small glass with another swallow of tequila rested before her and she greedily gulped it down. Jane walked over to where she was sitting and took the bottle before she could pour anymore. "How much of this have you had?"

Lisbon shrugged, "The bottle was full. How much is in it now?"

The answer to that question was about half of the bottle, she'd already had way too much to drink given her size and the fact that she was hardly eating anything these days. This was definitely not good.

"Slightly less than what is in your system."

She giggled at his little quip, he wasn't trying to be funny but apparently a drunken Lisbon thought he was hilarious. "You always have something funny to say, Patrick Jane. How can you do that? No matter what happens you always find a way to laugh." She shook her head wobbly. "Did you find a way to laugh about what happened to me? Maybe a laugh would make me feel better."

"No," Jane told her calmly, "I can't laugh about that."

"Well that's a first."

Jane sat down on the couch next to her, keeping some space between them but he positioned himself so that he was facing her. "Why are you drinking?"

"Why not?"

"You know that this won't help anything."

Lisbon shrugged. "Nothing helps. Not _talking_, or _sleeping_ or _drinking_, nothing makes me feel better. And that's what I want, I want to feel better. I don't want to hurt anymore."

He covered her hand with his. "You will."

She scoffed, "You can't say that, Jane. You don't feel better…maybe I won't either."

Jane knew what this was all about. She was starting to come completely unraveled after attacking the suspect today. She needed to see that she could get through this. "Lisbon, what happened today…it's not a reflection of your work."

"Nope," Lisbon said with a shake of her head, "it just means that I'm going completely crazy." She narrowed her eyes, focusing her anger on a spot across the room. "A guy just touched me and I flipped out. Not supposed to do that, it's against the rules. But I did. I did because every time someone touches me like that, I think they are going to hurt me. Just like _he_ did."

She leaned back against the couch with a sigh and toyed with the gun in her hand. Jane really didn't like this; he wanted to get that weapon away from her. But any sudden movements would be a _really_ bad idea.

"I've been shot," Lisbon declared, "Right here." She patted her shoulder where the injury had occurred. "I've had a bomb strapped to my chest. I've been hit by suspects and kidnapped by a crazy girl." Lisbon's voice grew thin now. "I watched my father beat my brothers…and me.

"But you know what?" she asked, "None of that defined me. It didn't affect who I was. It didn't affect my job." Now she smiled bitterly. "All it took was one little rape. That's it. All it took. A guy hits me and rapes me and now I'm this pathetic thing that is afraid _all_ of the time. This _thing_…I don't even know who she is."

She blinked a few times, her face growing completely blank. Jane wondered if she was about to pass out, but no, she continued to stare straight ahead. "I was Special Agent Teresa Lisbon. Senior Agent of the Serious Crimes Unit of the CBI. That's who I was. Who am I now?" She smiled bitterly. "Maybe I am Lavinia. Maybe I should just cut out off my tongue and hands and be what I am."

Her smile became a dark grin and she let out a very low giggle that actually terrified him. "Of course," she said, "that wasn't all that happened to her."

She stroked the barrel of the gun calmly. "Die, die, Lavinia," she quoted coldly, "and thy shame with thee." Then she began to raise the weapon. "Maybe I should follow her example."

It was a horrifying moment when she held that gun, slowly bringing it up towards her head. Jane didn't think, he just reacted. He took her wrist in a very firm grasp and wrenched the weapon free from her hand. She didn't fight him; she was completely taken by surprise.

"Stop this, Teresa!" he growled out, her wrist still shackled by his hands in a hard hold. "Stop it now!"

It was wrong of him to treat her so harshly, to hold her wrist captive in his hand, she might construe it as a kind of force but he didn't care. Some things were far more important at the moment. Jane flung the gun aside, away from her. Lisbon didn't try to reach for it; she just looked up at him with startled eyes. "This isn't you," he told her, "You're letting him win."

Lisbon didn't fight his hold but she looked away and shook her head at his words. "He took _everything_ from me!"

"No he didn't," Jane replied freeing one hand to force her to meet his eyes. "He only took what you are willing to give him. He didn't take your body, your spirit or your soul. Every day that you let this rule your life is another day that you are giving to him. You need to stop this, stop trying to drown yourself in pity. You are letting him take your life away and that is _wrong_.

"He hurt you. He raped you. Nothing can change that. He won that battle, but that doesn't mean you let him win the rest." Jane urged her firmly, "Fight this, fight _him_ and gain back what you have lost."

With his speech ended Lisbon wrenched her wrist free and stood up to her feet. Her color was high and her eyes flashed with anger. Jane didn't know who that anger was directed at, he only hoped that it wasn't at her or himself.

Her chest heaved with every breath she took and she stalked away from the couch. A pit of dread formed in his stomach. He didn't know if he'd gotten through to her. If not, then he had made a serious mistake and what little control she'd had over herself might very well have been lost.

Then Lisbon let out a strangled shriek. She grabbed the bottle of tequila and flung it across the room. It hit the wall and shattered, sending shards of glass and amber liquid all over the carpet and wall.

She sank down to her knees and sobbed.

Jane slowly rose to his feet and walked over to her. He knelt down on the carpet next to her and put a hand on her shoulder. To his relief, she covered his hand with her own, tugging him closer. He quickly pulled her up against his chest and wrapped his arms around her while she cried.

"Just let it go," he whispered into her ear. "Let go of the guilt. It's not your fault, it _never_ was your fault."

He tightened his hold on her and ignored the tears that were falling from his own eyes. "Let it go."

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><p>AN: Well that's it folks, welcome to rock bottom. The question now is if she will take Jane's advice and "let it go". We hope you guys are ready for the journey ahead, it's going to be so rewarding!


	12. The First Piece

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Hello all! Sorry for the late update but let me start by saying that we are finally out of the tunnel and into the light. These last 11 chapters have been HARD, emotionally and mentally but now you guys are finally going to see Lisbon heal and we think it is going to be beautiful. Sit back and enjoy the ride because expect things to get a bit fluffier from here, but the angst isn't going to go completely away, she's still going to have problems but what happens next is going to be worth it ;-)

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Life has had a very annoying habit of getting in the way recently. Writer's block hasn't helped either, but at last this chapter is done. Hopefully the next one will go by faster. I liked this chapter alot because we're finally back into the light and things start looking up. They aren't better yet, but they are brighter. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do.

**Anonymous Reviews**

**J.L.**: Hehehe one day after you post your review we updated! How's that for a quick response?

**Anonymous**: Well here we have updated!

**Anonymous**: Well thank you for reading this whole fic, I'm sure it took a while but it means a lot that you did so. We try very very hard to keep these characters in character and we write Lavinia as if it was a plotline for the show so that's a high compliment from you! We love your reaction, it's hard writing this as much as it is reading it. Jasper is a popular suspect but you'll have to see if you are right.

**annie**: Will Jane and Lisbon get together? Well I wouldn't want to spoil it but Jisbon is in the summary for a reason! You might get your answer sooner than you might think hehehe.

**German Girl**: Finally a new update LOL. Jane's speech was a scene we worked long and hard on, it needed to be harsh enough to get Lisbon to see reason but powerful enough to be true. It is exactly how we think he would feel at this moment, getting her to realize that the person who is letting him win is herself. Well you can check out your prediction here hehehe.

**123TellMeYouLoveMe**: Yes we are FINALLY here! That was one of our favorite Jane lines too and we thought it would just be chilling to have Lisbon throw them back in his face like that.

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><p>Chapter 12: The First Piece<p>

The sunlight was bright in her bedroom when Lisbon woke up, too bright. It hurt her eyes the second she opened them, igniting the pain that settled in from her massive headache. There was a bad taste in her mouth that wouldn't go away. She hadn't felt this way in years. Then again, she hadn't downed that much tequila in one night since her college days.

She rolled over with a low moan but didn't get out of bed yet. She had her back to the window so the sunlight wasn't directly in her eyes anymore. Now she was able to keep her eyes open, her head still ached but at least it was manageable. Lisbon toyed with the edge of her pillowcase as she thought back to the events that had taken place the night before.

She remembered coming back to her apartment angry and upset with herself. Attacking the suspect like that had been stupid, but she had been running on the instinct to protect herself. Lisbon had been forced to face the fact that her anxiety after her rape was affecting her judgment on the job. That was when opening the bottle of tequila had seemed like a good idea.

In college, alcohol had been a way to let off steam after a hard week of classes. She used to go to a bar the week after finals to let loose. Last night she had wanted that bubbly feeling that meant she didn't care. It hadn't really worked, the tequila had made her giddier but she'd still felt damaged and in pain.

That was when Jane had walked in.

When she'd heard her door opening she'd panicked, her muddled state assumed it was her rapist and not the consultant that was probably the only person keeping her sane at the moment. At least she hadn't shot at him.

Then Lisbon remembered the conversation afterward where she had babbled about her problems. She'd confessed some hard truths. She really was beginning to wonder if she would ever go back to the woman she used to be, she didn't want her rape to define her.

She didn't want to be Lavinia.

That thought forced her to recall what had flirted through her mind. She'd been holding her gun in her hands and remembered how Lavinia's suffering had ended when Titus killed her. In that moment the idea of her pain finally ending had been a very tempting thought. She'd actually raised the gun before Jane had wrestled it away from her.

Lisbon didn't think she actually would have done it.

Her father had been tormented by her mother's death for years before he made the selfish choice to take his own life. She'd never forgiven him for that. She didn't believe that she would make that same choice, especially not with Jane in the room with her.

But she never should have even considered it.

She felt ashamed by her actions and thoughts. Jane had been harsh but he had also been right. In the months following the attack she had sunk down into a deep pit of depression, she hadn't even tried to get her life back. Not really. Sure she'd gone back to work and pretended that everything was okay. But the truth was that she didn't believe that it would be.

Those thoughts needed to stop. If she didn't try to get back what she had lost then she definitely won't get it back.

Footsteps sounded outside of her bedroom door and Lisbon sat up in bed just as Jane appeared. He smiled softly from the doorway when he saw that she was awake. He was wearing the same clothes he was in last night but his jacket was gone. Obviously he had decided to crash on her couch so he could watch over her. That touched Lisbon, after the way she had acted he still wanted to help her.

"Good morning," Jane said and leaned up against the doorway. "How's the headache?"

She smiled just a little. "Splitting," she admitted, "no surprises there."

He walked over to stand by her bed to get a better look at her. She could imagine that her eyes were bloodshot and her hair was a mess, no doubt she looked like death warmed over. "You should drink some fluids, anything to get you rehydrated again. And aspirin, do you have any here?"

"In my bathroom," she told him and he moved to go just then but she grabbed his hand. "Jane wait," she said, tugging him closer to her, "about last night…I'm sorry…about everything. What I said about Lavinia…that's not what I want."

His features softened and he reached up to brush away the hair from her eyes. "I know." His kind response made her feel better, so did the warm touch of his fingertips. "We should get you some food."

She shook her head. "I don't have anything here," she admitted. It was the truth; she hadn't gone grocery shopping in a long time. She hadn't had a decent meal in a long time either.

"Then I'll take you out."

He wasn't going to take no for an answer and she didn't want to tell him no either. She was going to take back her life now, starting with breakfast.

But there was something else she needed to do first.

"All right, but I need to shower." Jane's face immediately became disappointed and concerned. She knew what he was thinking of. For the past couple of months she had gotten into the habit of showering three or four times a day, any time she felt dirty from remembering what had happened to her.

"No it's not that," she assured him, "I'm just gross right now. I'm betting I spent an hour vomiting last night."

Jane smiled a little now, "Yes, you did."

She blushed a bit. "Well at least tell me you were a gentleman and held my hair back for me."

His smile grew now, reaching his eyes. "You think I would leave a lady to her own devices?"

"Wouldn't be the first time."

Jane grinned and took the opportunity to help haul her to her feet. "The lady can attend to her toilette."

"And what will the gentleman be doing?" She teased, she was still holding on to his hand, even lacing her fingers through his. Jane didn't seem to mind.

"What all gentlemen do," he replied with ease, "waiting for the fair ladies."

"Well then I better not keep him waiting too long." Lisbon said, she was enjoying this little game they were playing. It made her feel like she was somewhat normal.

Jane must have too. He raised her hand to his lips and placed a gentlemanly kiss on her knuckles before smiling back up at her. "Go hop in the shower, I'm starving."

She smiled one last time before hurrying to do just that.

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The shower helped her a lot. It cleared away the cobwebs that had taken over her brain and pepped her up. She blow dried her hair and dressed as quickly as possible, she was on temporary leave until Monday because of her outburst so she didn't need to dress for work. She chose a pair of jeans and a comfortable t-shirt.

Lisbon frowned though when she realized that her jeans were too large, she had to add a belt so that they wouldn't fall down her hips. This wasn't good; she really had lost a lot of weight.

Jane was waiting for her in her living room with a pleased smile on his face. One glance around the room told her that Jane had been more than a gentleman the night before. The shards of glass and spilt tequila had been cleaned up though there was a faint smell of alcohol that would take a while to go away.

"All right," she said, "where are you taking me?"

Taking her was the apt phrase. Jane was the one who drove them to Sal's Diner, one of the places the team frequented whenever an all-nighter was necessary. Sal's had good food and it was close to the CBI.

Her hangover was still raging and while coffee probably would have helped with her lethargy, Lisbon chose orange juice instead. She wanted the hangover gone as soon as possible which meant she needed to stay hydrated. "You need to get some eggs," Jane told her.

"I was going to get pancakes," she replied, "I wanted to soak up everything I drank last night."

"Get both, but you need protein."

"Fine."

His smile was light but his tone was firm. "And you are actually going to eat this meal."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Are you going to sit here and watch me eat? Egging me on to eat one more bite?"

"If that is what it takes."

The waitress brought their drinks and took their food orders. Lisbon was happy to gulp down the orange juice. She was parched; dry mouth being just another reminder that drinking all night had been a very bad idea.

Jane was being so sweet about all of this but she could see that he was still watching her carefully. She wasn't surprised; he must be waiting for the other shoe to drop. She'd been a complete mess for months now, so much so that her erratic behavior had become the new normal. But Jane had been there for her the whole time, taking every harsh word and soothing any tear that she had unleashed.

Lisbon knew that she wouldn't have been able to come this far without him.

She fiddled with cutlery on the table, not willing to meet his eyes now. "Jane," she began softly, "I'm sorry for last night."

Jane reached over and covered her hand with his, "I told you never to apologize for this."

"I have to," Lisbon explained, "I never should have let myself sink so low. I'm not that kind of person; I don't do things like that. But these past few months…I lost sight of who I am. And that's not right.

"This has been really hard for me…actually I guess that's a bit of an understatement. You've seen what a wreck I've become." Lisbon continued, looking out of the window to the bright street outside. "I never thought something like this would happen to me. I'm a cop, I have training, but somehow I still got hurt."

He leaned forward, now taking her hand in his so he could squeeze her fingers gently. "That wasn't your fault, Lisbon."

"I know I should believe that." Jane's eyebrows rose, clearly surprised by her answer. She smiled just a little at his expression but that smile fell as the mood turned somber. "He knew exactly what to do, how to catch me off guard and how to keep me from fighting back. Maybe if I hadn't been in a dress or if I'd been somewhere else, things might have been different."

She shook her head, "I know asking 'what if' isn't going to change what happened. I was attacked, I fought him but he had the advantage… I know there was nothing I could do."

He smiled now, filled with pride and relief. "It's true."

"I know…but I just don't feel like it is. I can't shake it. I don't know what I did to this man that compelled him to rape me." She looked up into his eyes, "What if I did something horrible? What if I did deserve it?"

"You didn't," Jane told her simply.

"You don't know that."

Jane thought for a moment before finally asking. "What actions do you believe deserve to be punished like that? What do you think you could have done to have deserved someone to beat and rape you?"

Now it was her turn to be quiet as she considered his question. "I don't know," she admitted softly. She tried to think back at every horrible thing she'd ever done, breaking a young boy's heart, telling her father to go to hell…but none of them made sense in this situation. None of them seemed to warrant the punishment she had been dealt.

She met Jane's eyes to see him smiling at her. "No one deserves what happened to you, Teresa. You're no exception."

For once she wondered if he was right.

Lisbon still held onto Jane's hand, her free hand marked a line on the table with her finger. "You were right last night, I've been letting him win. By wallowing in my pain and misguided guilt I've let him do exactly what he wanted, to control me, to dominate me. I'm not going to do that anymore, I refuse to let him win like this.

"I've done a bad job of moving on though. I haven't taken care of myself…but I guess you knew that seeing how you are going to force feed me eggs this morning." The small bit of humor elicited a smile from both of them. "I'm going to do better from now on," she promised. Lisbon took in a deep breath and released it slowly. "I'm just afraid."

"Small steps," Jane told her, "just take small steps forward and you'll get where you want to go quicker than you'll believe."

Lisbon couldn't stop the grin, "You sound like a fortune cookie."

They both laughed softly, it felt good to really laugh again. When the humor slowly faded a smile still turned up the corners of his lips. Jane reached over and brushed the hair from her face again before setting his hand on her shoulder. "This isn't going to be easy, Teresa. You're still going to have problems with trust and memories of that night…but you can get better. You just have to stay strong."

Strong wasn't a word Lisbon would use to describe herself anymore. She used to be strong; she used to have a fierce determination and confidence that made her feel in control. She'd lost that, but she wanted it back now.

"You'll help me right?" She couldn't help but ask, she didn't know why but it was important to her that Jane be there with her.

He just smiled. "What else would I do?"

They stayed like that for a moment, fingers linked together and eyes locked in place. Lisbon recognized that a closeness had developed between them throughout the turmoil of the past few months. Jane had held her hand and dried her tears too many times to count. He'd held her when she'd cried and even when she had slept to help keep the nightmares at bay. Something was happening between them, something was growing but Lisbon was too afraid to say it. If she said too much than she might lose him entirely.

And that would devastate her.

Lisbon didn't ruminate over her feelings for long. The intimate moment was interrupted by the arrival of their food. Her eyes widened when she saw the pile of eggs and pancakes on her plate. Even when she'd had a real appetite there was no way she'd have been able eat all of this.

"This is too much, Jane," she declared, still staring at the mountain of food.

"Eat as much as you can." She just gaped at him for a moment and he grinned. "Don't worry about your waistline, you actually need to gain some weight. So eat." At her defiant look his smile widened and he picked up a fork to spoon some of her eggs onto. "Go on, eat it."

"Were you a drill sergeant in another life?"

That made him laugh a little as he took a bite of his own food. Lisbon attended to her plate, pouring a liberal amount of syrup on her pancakes and sampling them. It had been a while since she had eaten anything resembling real food. It tasted good, real good.

This felt good too, she felt…better. Not one hundred percent, nowhere near it but today she actually felt hopeful that things would be back where she wanted it to be. It was because of Jane, he hadn't given up on her and he knew exactly what to say to get her to clean herself up.

"Thank you," she told him very softly. "Thank you for being here with me."

He smiled sweetly. "Anytime."

* * *

><p>For the first time in months Lisbon actually felt full. The breakfast had been exactly what she needed, she still had a hangover but now she felt like her head might actually stay attached to her body. It was a start, a small step to rediscovering her old self.<p>

But Lisbon knew that she would never truly be herself again. How could she? Her rape had left physical scars along with the emotional ones. That was what was so daunting, what parts of her could be repaired and what parts of her would always be damaged? Would she ever be able to trust other people besides Jane? Would she ever sleep through the night again? Could she really learn to feel something besides guilt and pain?

Those were the questions that were plaguing her mind; they had been ever since she was attacked. The difference between then and now was that she was determined not to let them rule her life anymore.

Jane parked the car outside of her apartment and got out of the car with her, but she stopped him from walking her inside. "You should go to the CBI, you still have to work on Christine's case." Before he could utter a word of protest she smiled at him sweetly, "I'm going to be okay, I was serious I'm going to get my life back."

He nodded and smiled a little but she could tell he was still worried about her. "If something comes up, if you start feeling afraid…don't hesitate to call."

"I won't," she told him, "but I probably won't need to, it's not like I'll be doing much anyways." She looked down at the ground for a second. "I think I'll call my therapist…if I'm going to do this then I should probably do it right."

"That's a good idea," Jane told her; she noted the light teasing in his voice.

She smiled up at him again. "You can go, I'm going to be fine."

He nodded again but he obviously wasn't entirely convinced. She knew the only way to truly get him to believe was time. "I'm still going to come see you tonight."

Lisbon was actually relieved to hear that. "I'll look forward to it."

There was a long moment when they just sort of stood there awkwardly, neither one wanting to say goodbye but both of them knowing that they had to. It was so touching to see him here, willing to put his life aside and stay with her even after already staying the night, not to mention pulling her back from the ledge she had been walking on for months.

How was she ever going to pay him back for this?

Lisbon couldn't have stopped herself if she'd wanted to…but she didn't want to. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him to hug him. He didn't protest in the slightest, but held her tighter to him and letting his chin rest on the top of her head. She wanted him to know how grateful she was to him for all of this, just as much as she wanted him to see how much she felt for him now.

They finally did reluctantly separate and Lisbon gave him a shaky smile. "I'll see you tonight."

"Count on it."

She smiled again before walking towards her apartment door, turning once to see him still standing there by his car. She knew he probably wouldn't leave until she was inside. She waved at him one time before closing the door behind.

Now she was alone again.

Lisbon looked around her apartment, noting the dust that had settled everywhere, the fact that it was dark and depressing, not to mention the still faint smell of alcohol. She hadn't done any form of housework in weeks; she hadn't opened the blinds or the windows either. It wasn't exactly the most welcome place for her to be.

Now she felt it, that anxiety, that fear that had been haunting her for months. When Jane left it seemed like the light went with him. The last time she had felt this way and stood in her apartment like this she had sat outside his motel room for hours waiting for him to come back. Lisbon knew she couldn't do that this time; she needed to get past this herself.

Small steps, she just had to take this all one-step at a time.

Lisbon decided that if she wasn't comfortable in her apartment at the moment, then she should leave. There were other things she could do. She grabbed her car keys and her purse before heading out to her car.

A few minutes later Lisbon was pulling into the parking lot of her nearest grocery store. She'd realized that morning that she needed to get back to eating actual meals and Jane had made it abundantly clear that he would actually feed her himself if he had to. She really had let things go too far, her cupboards hadn't been this bare since she was in college and living off of Raman noodles.

But she was a little hesitant as she walked into the building; the incident at the pharmacy was still haunting her thoughts quite a bit. The place wasn't too crowded, mostly with housewives shopping for the week. Lisbon was grateful to see that no one was paying attention to her, she wasn't covered in bruises and it had been weeks since any story had been written about her attack. Everyone had forgotten about the CBI agent that had been raped, Lisbon preferred it that way.

So she took a cart and remained inconspicuous as she filled it with a little bit of everything, especially from the produce section. Lisbon began to consider what sort of plan she would have for her meals that day, she knew that nothing would stop Jane from coming over that evening so maybe she could make something.

The idea of cooking Jane dinner like a fifties housewife would have sounded absolutely ridiculous to her two months ago, her lips twitched at the many comments Jane could use against her for doing something so domestic. But really it was a gesture, like the hug, a small example of the gratitude she felt for saving her from herself.

Well she could strap on an apron and call herself Donna Reed if it meant proving how sorry she was for treating him like that.

Lisbon tried to figure what she could make for him considering her rather limited skills in the kitchen. She knew that Jane rarely found food he didn't like so she wasn't too worried about finding something. Eventually she settled on a couple of steaks, splurging for the expensive cuts, reasoning that even she could make a decent meal out of them.

Once her cart was piled high with goodies, Lisbon made it to checkout, stopping only to pick up a hefty chocolate bar. She reasoned that if she was going to be on a diet to _gain_ weight then she might as well enjoy it.

She was beginning to feel somewhat normal again, even relatively at ease when the man standing in the line behind her leaned forward to pick up a pack of gum. He only brushed her arm for a second and quickly apologized but that little touch was enough.

Lisbon felt her whole body tense up, she curled her fingers around the handle of the cart so tightly her knuckles were white. She willed herself not to start shaking as she tried to remind herself to breathe. _"It's not him,"_ she told herself, _"Breathe…just calm down and breathe."_

But the memories were welling forth like a reopened wound. Fear prickled her skin as she began to tremble. _"Think of something else!"_

There was only one subject that could keep her calm. She turned all of her thoughts onto Jane. She focused on his smile, his eyes, the way his blonde hair curled, the sound of his laugh. She remembered how it felt to be held in his arms when he stayed the night. That was the most amazing feeling, hearing his heart beat while being cradled up against his chest. She wanted to experience that again.

"Miss…are you all right?"

Lisbon looked up to see that the clerk was waiting for her to put her purchases on the conveyor belt. "I'm sorry, my mind was wandering," she told him with an embarrassed smile.

But inwardly she was proud of herself. She hadn't freaked out and she'd managed to find a way to calm herself down.

Even if the method was more than a little surprising.

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Lisbon decided to call Dr. Cargill's office on the way back to her apartment before she lost her nerve. She heard the familiar cultured voice almost immediately. "Dr. Cargill…it's Teresa Lisbon."

"Teresa," she sounded very surprised, who could blame her? Lisbon had skipped out on her therapy sessions the last few weeks. "I'm very glad you called."

"Yes well…" Lisbon stopped at a red light, grateful for the moment so she could gather her own thoughts. "I was hoping that you would be able to see me today. Something happened and I…I think I'm ready to talk about things now…to _really_ talk."

"I have some time around two-thirty if that is all right."

"That's fine," Lisbon said before bidding her goodbye. She sighed in relief when she hung up her phone. She had to admit that she was embarrassed that she needed help from a shrink, but that humiliation was far out weighed by her determination to get to the point where she wouldn't need that help again.

Her apartment was still dark and depressing but there was no escaping it right now. She had other things to do, first of all was putting everything away. It took a while but she had plenty of room seeing how her entire fridge was barren of everything but a couple of eggs, half a block of cheese and some old take-out. It made her feel terrible seeing how bad she'd let everything get.

But once that was done she was determined to tackle another problem, she wanted to make her apartment a place she actually wanted to live in again.

The first thing she did was actually open the blinds, letting the sunlight into her apartment, flooding the place with light where there used to be darkness. She took a moment to just stand there in the sunlight, enjoying the warmth on her skin, how it seemed to almost cleanse her soul.

Lisbon decided to clean her home, she mused that maybe it was a ritual, a need to cleanse her home of the terrible specter she'd brought into it. But really it was also just practical, she'd left a lot of things go and that included her apartment. Everything needed to be dusted, the countertops needed to be scrubbed and her linens needed to be washed. She noted how her living room was bare of a lot of her old knick-knacks and trophies, casualties of her rage filled temper tantrum weeks ago.

How could she have let things get so bad?

It was while she was doing this that she saw the stack of books that had been her constant companions these many weeks. _Ovid's Metamorphosis, The Rape of Lucrece _and of course _Titus Andronicus_ was sitting right on top. They were all dog-eared with some pages marked, pages she had turned to again and again.

She sat down on her sofa and picked up her copy of _Titus Andronicus_, she flipped through the pages and stopped when Lavinia was pleading with Tamora to kill her. She'd read these passages so many times, read them because she felt a connection with her, she understood what Lavinia was thinking and feeling. She knew what it was like to feel helpless and vulnerable, to be completely broken.

Lisbon turned to the end where Lavinia is killed by her father. It was supposed to be an act of mercy. "Because the girl should not survive her shame, / And by her presence still renew his sorrows." And Lavinia had simply walked over and let her father kill her, to end her pain and his.

She'd looked towards this fictional character as a companion, someone who could truly understand her pain. It had reached a terrible height of obsession, so much so that she'd begun to see them as one and the same.

She wasn't going to do that anymore.

Lisbon gathered the books and the DVD of _Titus_ and found an old shoebox. She put them away neatly into the box before stashing it away in the back of her closet, piling on a box of winter clothes just to make it even more difficult to get to later. She was closing the book on Lavinia.

But she couldn't throw her away…not yet.

* * *

><p>Lisbon decided to leave early for her appointment with Dr. Cargill, very early actually. Her intention was to stop by the CBI while she still had her courage. A part of her feared that come morning she will have lost all of her resolve and revert back to her shattered self. In some ways she'd felt safer in her shell, even if it ultimately hurt her in the end.<p>

She ignored the stares as she made her way through the CBI. She couldn't blame them. The few sneaking glances she caught did tell her that they didn't whisper or wonder over her blame as she had convinced herself, but they did give her sympathetic looks. It made her feel worse that she has assumed such things about her colleagues, but also angered her. Not to them, but to herself. She should have been stronger. She should have trusted them more.

She hesitated in the hallway just outside her team's bullpen. Jane had assured her of her ability to move on and sworn his devotion to helping her, but would the others be the same? She had been so horrible to them, throwing all of their vulnerabilities callously into their faces. Jane could handle it since he had long ago accepted his demons as his punishment. The rest of her team didn't live like that and being reminded of their issues meant reopening old wounds. Lisbon was hesitant to forgive people from bringing up her own past. She couldn't blame them if they decided to do the same.

She could return home and wait until she was reinstated to learn if she had caused irreparable damage with her teammates. She was a heartbeat away from throwing in the towel but a scene in _Titus Andronicus_ came to her then. Lavinia, before her rape and mutilation, had been the ideal Roman woman. So meek and docile that she wordlessly was going to forsake marriage to the man she loved to marry Saturninus, in order to please her father. She was even passive when Bassianus abducted her. Lavina never took control, she always followed the leads of others. Lavinia never tried to take back her life, but wallowed away into nothing in the end. Lisbon didn't want to be like Lavinia. She wanted to regain what she lost, including her friends.

Lisbon took in a deep breath and squared her shoulders. She still felt her stomach fluttering as walked into the bullpen.

Jane was the first one to spot her. He didn't say a word, but she could see the way his eyes widened a little that he was surprised to see her. Well, for once he hadn't managed to guess her every move, that was something at least. She hoped the smile she flashed him was reassuring.

"Lisbon?" Rigsby spoke when he saw her. "Wh-what are you doing here?"

Now all of them were looking at her: Cho, Rigsby…Grace. They were sitting at their desks, eyeing her like she was a bomb with a faulty timepiece. She couldn't blame them, not when she was waiting for the explosion herself.

"I'm still on suspension," she said, "I just…I really needed to talk to you, all of you."

A great deal of her courage betrayed her, seeking someone far more worthy. Lisbon's eyes found her shoes and stayed there. She could feel them watching her, waiting for her to speak and wondering what she had come to say. Except Jane. He would know. She took a chance and met his eyes briefly. Sure enough, he didn't look confused. The blue-green eyes were urging her to do what she had come for.

"I'm sorry," she blurted out before she lost all of her courage, "I've been treating all of you like crap, worse than that even. You guys have been so good to me, trying everything you could to help and I slapped it all away. I'm sorry for that. I'm really trying to get better and I know this probably won't make up for everything that I've done, but it's a start."

The bullpen was completely silent again. Had she not said enough? Was it too late? She couldn't blame them if they refused her apology. She had stomped on their trust and now she would have to earn it back. It was her own fault.

"So you're saying you're okay now?" Rigsby asked, his voice hesitant.

Lisbon met his eye and saw that all three of them were staring her now. It wasn't bitterness or anger it was…hope.

"No," she admitted, "Not yet, but I'm working on it. I don't know how long it will take—."

"Take as much time as you need," Cho said, "We'll be here, boss. Always."

"Really?" They could forgive her cruelty so easily?

"You've always been there for us. It's our turn now."

Rigsby nodded. "We know you didn't mean it, boss. We just want you to get better."

Lisbon felt a huge weight, one built of fear and guilt, being lifted off of her weary shoulders. They weren't angry with her. They still had her back, even after everything she had done to them. She could work through this, especially with her friends at her side.

It wasn't until she saw Van Pelt duck her head down so she was looking back at her computer screen that she realized that something very important had to be addressed. She couldn't do this in front of Cho, Rigsby or even Jane. This was private.

Lisbon forced herself to walk forward and stop beside Grace. "Van Pelt, how about we get some lunch, just you and me."

She looked up at Lisbon with her mouth open and her eyes wide with something, fear maybe. "Uh…"

"I think that's an excellent idea," Jane chose to chime in.

"Yeah," Rigsby agreed, "You guys should do that."

Lisbon wasn't sure whether to thank them both or slug them, but at least Van Pelt saw she really had no choice in the matter now.

"Okay," she said, logging off her computer and grabbing her purse.

They didn't venture far, just to the little rooftop café that had sandwiches and salads premade for the busy agents of the CBI. Lisbon noticed that she wasn't really hungry, but she forced herself to take a few bites of her sandwich. Grace fared even worse, just pushing the lettuce around with her fork.

"Look, Grace, I understand if you can't forgive me," Lisbon said, "and I'm truly sorry for what I said to you. It was very wrong of me and I have no excuse except for my own problems."

Van Pelt looked up from her salad with a shake of her head. "No, boss, I'm not angry with you."

Lisbon frowned at her a little. "Then what's going on here? Why are you afraid to look me in the eye?"

Grace said nothing, instead resuming the morose study of her lunch.

Lisbon set her sandwich down and suspected she would be unable to finish it now, no matter her original intentions. "I guess this has changed how you look at me," she sad solemnly, "It's…understandable. But we need to talk about that, figure something out because we can't go one like this."

"I know that."

"Then talk to me. You haven't been yourself around me since that night." Lisbon bit her lip, the small pain forced her to keep herself together. "Do you blame me?"

Grace's head snapped. "No, Lisbon, absolutely not!"

"Then what's going on?"

The younger agent bowed her head, but her shoulders were slumped in a silent defeat. "I didn't know what had happened to you back at the hospital," Grace said, "I just thought some deranged lunatic had attacked you…I didn't know that you…"

"I hadn't told anyone yet," Lisbon said. Only Jane had figured out the truth when he had seen her.

"I know that, it's just…" She steepled her hands close to her face and shut her eyes. After a moment, she looked back up at Lisbon. "When I first found out, I felt…relieved…that it wasn't me."

Lisbon blinked a bit and then Grace gushed out, "And then I felt so guilty for feeling that way. I mean, it's so selfish of me and you…you deserve so much better than that. And I can't figure out why anyone would hurt you. It could have easily been me." She bit her lip and looked away. "Maybe it should have been me."

Lisbon took in a breath and exhaled it slowly before reaching across to table to cover Grace's wrist with her hand. "Grace, look at me." She hesitated at first but did as she was told. "I admit," Lisbon said, "I've been bitter and angry with you lately and part of that is because you've been distant towards me, but also because I envied you. You weren't raped and I hated the fact that you still couldn't understand that pain."

Lisbon stopped for a moment while Grace looked away again. She gave Van Pelt's wrist a gentle squeeze to regain her attention. "But I never, not for a second, wished it on you. Do you get that?"

She gave her a small, jerky bob of her head. "Boss, I'm sorry for what I did…or didn't do really. I should have been there more. I should have done more for you."

Lisbon nodded slightly. "And I'm sorry that I was so angry with you. I should have realized how this would affect you differently."

Grace shook her head. "No, you—."

"Grace," Lisbon cut her off, "You don't have to defend me. I need to accept responsibility for my actions these past few weeks."

Lisbon sighed and leaned back in her seat. "How about we push the restart button right now? We let everything go and just start over, no more guilt or anger. We stop avoiding each other and talk again like we used to. Think you can do that?"

Van Pelt smiled a little. "Yeah," she said with a nod, "I'd like to do that."

"Good," Lisbon said. She felt some stirring of her appetite again, smiling a little now that the tense air had floated away. She picked up her sandwich in one hand and asked, "Now, how are things back home in Iowa? Has you cousin had her baby yet?"

Grace recounted the labor pains of her first cousin over bites of salad. Perhaps the conversation was a little stiff at times, but it was a start. It was an excellent start.

* * *

><p>Jane noticed that Grace returned to the bullpen alone, he also noticed that her entire demeanor had changed. Before when she'd left with Lisbon she'd been tense and sad, he knew that came from a lot of guilt. Now she was relaxed, there was still some guilt and pain but it was mostly relief that was shining in her eyes.<p>

"Where's Lisbon?" Cho asked, noting the absent team member.

Grace was actually smiling a little now. "She said she had an appointment and she couldn't stay."

An appointment with her therapist, Jane was certain of that. It was good, now she was finally taking the necessary steps to work through what happened to her.

"You look like you had a good talk," Jane pointed out.

Grace did smile for real now and she nodded. "We needed to get through some things, it's going to be better now. I'm sure of it."

"She _seems_ better," Rigsby pointed out, his tone was hopeful. "She was calmer, she didn't seem as on edge like she has been since the attack."

"She looked like she had a hard night," Cho pointed out and all eyes turned to Jane. Yes her hangover had been apparent, that wasn't something that could easily be covered up.

They wanted an explanation, but there was no way he was going to tell them just how bad things had gotten. Her brief flirtation with her gun was going to remain with him, a secret he would never share if he had any say about it. "She hit rock bottom," Jane explained, "That's all you need to know."

"But what happened?" Rigsby asked, now they all looked a little concerned.

"She went through hell," Jane told them firmly, "You don't need to know more than that." He was quiet but kept his eyes on theirs, he wasn't going to budge on this and he let them know it. "What's important is that she woke up this morning determined to try and get her life back."

"So she's going to be better now."

Jane shook his head. "I didn't say that. She could just as easily fall back, especially since she still blames herself for what happened."

Now Grace looked dejected. "So she's not getting better."

"I didn't say that either," Jane explained quickly. "Lisbon took a long look at where she is and she didn't like what she saw. That's good, she wants to retake her life back and she is going to make an honest effort at trying." His voice was a little ominous, "That doesn't mean she is going to succeed."

"What can we do?"

"What we are doing now. Anything that makes her comfortable and keeps her strong, but actually accepting what has happened and moving on…well _she_ is the only one who can do that."

They were quiet for a long while before Grace finally asked a question that was plaguing all three of them. "What do you think will happen, Jane?"

He pondered his answer for a while. He could be brutally honest and say he had no idea; he could do worse and tell them not to pin their hopes on her recovery. But Jane wasn't sure if he was willing to do that. He knew that Lisbon could fall back; he knew she was still too fragile, too broken for him to be completely at ease.

But there was something different about her now. It wasn't that she believed it wasn't her fault, she'd admitted that very morning that she still blamed herself. But now she _wanted_ to believe otherwise and that was a start, it was a break through and for the first time in two months Jane actually could hope.

"I think she's going to get better," Jane finally said. "I think she's always going to be haunted by what happened. She'll have nightmares and reminders for the rest of her life, there will be times when she'll be uncomfortable and afraid…but those times will get fewer eventually. But she'll gradually find her strength again…and she'll find happiness again. I believe it and very soon, so will she."

He watched as all three of them visibly relaxed and smiled, even Cho's features softened. They had needed to hear that the darkest days of this tragedy were behind them and Jane had needed to finally believe it.

She was going to get better; Jane was allowing himself to hope now.

* * *

><p>Lisbon didn't hesitate this time when she faced another challenge: speaking with Dr. Cargill. She arrived at her appointment on time and even knocked politely. The therapist answered the door and smiled when she saw her. "Teresa, I'm glad you came."<p>

"You doubted me," Lisbon said.

Dr. Cargill waited to close the door before answering. "I'd had very little reason to hope, though your call did return some."

Lisbon nodded once. "I supposed I should apologize to you."

"No," she said, "I don't think apologies are necessary."

"I have to. I've been completely unprofessional about all of this."

Nancy Cargill gave her a slight grin, warm and reassuring. "I'm afraid there is nothing professional about this matter. How you act is not abnormal or wrong, it is simply a symptom of your trauma."

Lisbon looked at the tangle that was her fingers. "It doesn't feel very simple."

"No, I suppose that was a poor choice on my part."

She didn't refute her words nor did she ask more from her therapist. "I thought it would be simple," Lisbon said, "I could just cut it out, ignore it all. I've done it before. Jane does it all the time and he functions well enough. I don't understand why I couldn't this time."

"Why do you think that is?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. It's not like I haven't been hurt before."

"You speak of your father." It was not a question, but Lisbon still hesitating before nodding.

Perhaps Dr. Cargill could sense her reluctance to tread into that subject because she didn't press further. They lapsed into silence which Lisbon found to be even more uncomfortable than the talking. Still, it was Nancy who broke it.

"You mentioned Jane again," she noted.

"So?"

"You've mentioned him many times before. Would you be more comfortable talking about him."

"I don't think Jane would be comfortable talking about him."

Nancy smiled just a bit. "Well he isn't here."

It was almost naughty, the idea of talking about Jane, really talking about him with someone else. It was like she was in the schoolyard, swapping secrets with a friend about another friend. Jane had told her repeatedly not to worry about him, to do everything she had to get better. She wasn't sure if he meant this though.

"I don't know."

"Share what you're comfortable with. You don't have to tell me anything you think he wouldn't want me to know, if you so wish."

"Like what?"

"How did you meet?"

That was a harmless enough question to answer. "At the CBI," she said. Dr. Cargill simply waited for her to elaborate. "He has some unusual talents you see. He used to be something of a con artist, pretending be a psychic. He wanted to offer his services to the CBI." Lisbon snorted and shook her head at the memories that flashed through her mind. "He can be a nuisance about ninety-nine percent of the time, but he's damn good."

"Did you become friends so easily?"

"Nothing is easy with Jane," Lisbon said, "He can read everyone so well, but it's almost impossible to read him. At least it used to be for me. I guess over the years I've figured out a lot about him. He thinks he has no tells, but he does. His are just more subtle and harder to find."

"Like what?"

"His humor. Sometimes he genuinely finds something amusing, other times he searches for something, sometimes creates a situation to amuse him. That's when I know he's hurting somehow. He's trying to ignore the pain by making light of something else."

"And you try to help him."

"Of course," Lisbon said, "He thinks he's done such terrible things, things he can't atone for and I've been trying to get him to see that he is a good person. Sometimes I think I get through a bit, but sometimes I know he just plays along."

"Does he 'play along' a lot?"

"Do you mean does he lie to me?" Nancy nodded. "That's a tricky question. Jane lies to me about cases all the time, mostly because he thinks it's the only way to get the case solved though sometimes he does it because he thinks he should protect me."

She rolled her eyes at that bit of logic. "But when it comes to himself…he doesn't usually lie, he mostly just doesn't tell. Actually, I have to admit that he's more honest with me than he is with anyone else."

"And does this go both ways?"

"The honesty or the helping?"

"Both."

"I can't lie to Jane," Lisbon said, "That's literally impossible. He's made that very clear."

"But has he tried to help you?"

"Of course he has."

Dr. Cargill gave her a patient smile. "Are you uncomfortable with sharing how?"

Lisbon chewed on her lip and stared down at the floor. Talking about Jane had helped her to relax, but to share some of those more private details…that was a different matter. Some stuff was harmless so why not? But the time he'd help her while she slept, well that still managed to bring a blush to her cheeks.

"Mostly he's just been checking up on me," Lisbon said, "Almost every day. He's always telling me that what happened wasn't my fault."

"But you don't believe him."

"I do…it's just…I don't know, I can't _completely_ believe it. I mean, I could have done more."

"You're talking about how you went into shock," Dr. Cargill said calmly.

"I shouldn't have done that. I should have kept fighting." She felt the burn of tears creeping into her eyes.

"You said before that a similar thing occurred when you were young and your father was abusing you."

"That's the point. After that happened I learned how to defend myself and since then I've had more training. I never should have let that happen. If I had kept fighting, maybe…"

"Teresa," Dr. Cargill said her name gently, forcing her to meet her eyes, "I want you to go back to the attack and tell me everything that was going through your mind."

Lisbon shook her head emphatically. "No, I don't—."

"Please."

Before, Lisbon would have continued to protest, but her shame at her behavior was enough to get her to agree. She nodded like she was concurring to a death sentence, slow and heavy.

"Let's start when it first began. He slammed you up against the wall and you have realized you are being attacked. What was your first thought?"

"Get up."

"Not to strike him?"

"I was still sort of stunned, I don't think I knew what was really happening until he started to pull my hair."

"So what did you think about then?"

"Fight," Lisbon said, "I grabbed his wrist and I kicked at the ground. I was trying to force him to let me go. Then when he let go of my hair I thought I would slam my head into his face to break his nose, but he anticipated that."

"When was the exact moment you realized he was going to rape you?"

"When he…when he…" Lisbon shut her eyes and bit back a sob. "He started tearing up my dress. I knew then and that's when I just couldn't fight him anymore."

"You said this state of shock was similar to when you father was hitting you when you were fourteen."

Lisbon shook her head. "It's not the same thing. I didn't know how to defend myself then."

"Teresa, who did you see as you were being attacked?"

"I didn't see anyone!" Her words came out in a snap of anger, but Nancy didn't react.

"I'm not talking with your eyes, who did you see in your mind as this man was raping you?"

Lisbon blinked back in surprised. "I—I don't—."

"Think back. Who did you see?"

Her mind wandered back to that terrifying moment when she realized she was going to be raped. She couldn't stop him. He was going to hurt her. He'd already hurt her. She wanted to fight back, desperately. She should, no one would blame her. But she couldn't hurt him. He didn't know what he was doing, he'd been in such pain and…

"My father," Lisbon said in a whisper.

Nancy nodded. "Yes, you saw your father, didn't you? You were remembering that time when he was hurting you. Did you want to fight back then?"

"Yes."

"And why didn't you?"

"Because he was my father, I didn't want to hurt him. He was drunk, I didn't think he really wanted to…"

"Yes," Nancy said, "You were young and you were scared and this was your father who you loved. And when this man was raping you your mind regressed back to when you were fourteen."

Lisbon felt those hot tears spill down her cheeks as Nancy spoke. "You stopped fighting because you couldn't. Your mind went into shock and you felt like your fourteen years old. This is a defense mechanism, one you couldn't control. It wasn't your fault, Teresa."

Lisbon let out a choking sob. "It—it wasn't my fault?"

"No."

Lisbon broke down them into large, hiccupping sobs. Her face was buried in her hands but that did little to muffle the noise. She felt Nancy put a hand on her shoulder and whisper something that was soothing. It didn't matter. Nancy and Jane had both said that it wasn't her fault.

And for the first time, she believed it completely.

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It took a long time before Lisbon was able to get a handle on her emotions but Nancy let her cry for as long as she needed to. In the end she felt empty, but it was a good emptiness, the kind that came with relief that a weight was finally lifted. It seemed like her tears had helped to clean the terrible blot that had marred her soul for months now.

When she left Dr. Cargill's office it was with a sense of renewal, even as she still brushed away a few tears ever so often. She was ready to get home, ready to continue on this new path that was suddenly filled with sunlight. She was almost blinded by the brightness of everything, nothing had changed and yet everything had.

It wasn't her fault.

Lisbon was driving back towards her apartment when out of the corner of her eye she saw the sign for St. Mary's. It was almost an instinct and she cut the corner so fast she nearly hit the sign while her tires squealed into the parking lot. For a moment all she did was sit in her car and stare at the beautiful building. She hadn't gone to church in months; she hadn't actually spoken to God since she had been raped except for a few whispered words of hate.

_ How could he let this happen to me?_ Was the thought that had most been bandied about in her head in the weeks after her attack. She hadn't wanted to listen to the rational side of her that told her that God's plans were not always apparent and he could not be blamed for the wickedness of men. But she hadn't cared; she had only wanted to sit alone in the dark.

Slowly, Lisbon got out of the car and entered the familiar sanctuary. It was empty but for a few attendants. There was the holy water standing by the door, she dipped her fingers in the cool liquid and crossed herself for the first time in weeks. At the front at the altar were the candles for prayer; some were lit and flickering in the dim light. Her steps took her to those candles so she could light one of her own. Many times over the years she had lit candles for her mother and her family, she wondered if Jane knew of the dozens and dozens of candles she had lit for him. This was the first time she ever lit one for herself.

Then she took a seat in one of the pews, staring at the large cross where the suffering Christ was hung. Suffering…that was a word she'd come to understand better over the last couple of months, suffering wasn't just physical pain but the anguish that came with a pressing darkness that was black as pitch.

She'd opened her Bible many times over the past few weeks but only as a means of nurturing that darkness, she'd never looked for ways to ease it. Lisbon reached forward for one of the Bibles nestled in the pews and opened it to the famous sufferer, Job, the man who endured terrible anguish. He'd gone as far as to doubt God but never to blame him, well she couldn't say the same_. _

_ "Those who suffer he delivers in their suffering, he speaks to them in their affliction."_ She looked at that quote for a moment, she knew what it meant. Sometimes suffering is a test; the question is whether or not she failed.

There was a note at the bottom of the page directing her to a verse in Romans. She flipped the pages quickly until she found: _"suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character and character produces hope."_

The biblical version of 'that which does not kill us makes us stronger' she supposed. But it did strike her, she wasn't dead, she wasn't physically scarred or destroyed. She was here, she was alive and she had survived something horrible.

But she wasn't strong…yet. But could she be again?

Lisbon sat there and prayed for a long time. She poured her doubts and suffering and pain into every word she whispered and waited for an answer.

When she walked out of the church she was on speaking terms with God once more.

* * *

><p>Lisbon had decided to surprise Jane with a home-cooked meal as a small gesture of her gratitude. She really should have just bought him a hallmark card as she was turning out to be very bad at this. To be fair, it had been a long time since she had attempted cooking beyond TV-dinners and toast. Of course that didn't excuse the fact that she let the steaks go on a little too long.<p>

Okay…a lot too long.

She knew the meat was burning just from the smell, and that was before smoke began to rise. She was trying to keep the smoke away from the fire detectors when a voice startled her. "Should I call the fire department?"

Lisbon whirled around to see a very amused Jane; his eyes were shining with barely held in laughter. Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. "Not yet," she grumbled.

He did chuckle now as he looked at the mess. "What are you doing?"

She looked down at the floor. "I was fixing dinner."

"It smells delicious."

Lisbon glared at him for his little joke. Then she threw the cookie sheet she had been using to bat at the smoke onto the counter. She slumped against the counter covering her eyes with her hands. Not a few seconds later she felt him put a hand on her shoulder and she met his eyes. "It's all right," he told her, his voice completely somber.

She shook her head. "I'm not going to fall apart because I ruined dinner," she told him seriously, that made him crack a small smile. "But I can't blame you for thinking that either."

"Why were you doing this?" he asked her, looking around at the mess.

"I wanted to thank you, to really thank you for what you did for me," Lisbon explained, "maybe it was a stupid idea but it seemed like a nice thing to do after you stuck by me like this."

Jane looked touched and maybe a little surprised for once. "That truly isn't necessary," he told her gently and then took her hands in his. "But if you truly think it is, then what happened to simply saying 'thank you'?"

"I don't think that's enough."

"I do." he replied before sweetly kissing her knuckles, just like he did after wrapping up her injured hand over a month ago.

Well it was worth a shot wasn't it? Lisbon couldn't tear his eyes away from his as she hooked her arms around his neck and pulled him close. For a moment all they did was look at each other before she stood on her toes so she could press her lips to his cheek. She lingered for just a moment before letting her cheek rest against his and whispering softly, "Thank you."

She heard his breath hitch and then he hugged her tighter. "Anytime."

For a long while they stayed like this, holding each other close. Lisbon was beginning to get all to aware of how nice to felt to have him hold her, and his warm breath in her ear. Almost like a lover's embrace. That thought sent a warm shiver through her body and she reluctantly pulled away.

Lisbon took a couple of steps back and gestured towards the charred meat. "You like your steak well done right?" she quipped.

Jane looked at the food and raised an eyebrow. "How about Chinese?"

About forty minutes later the two of them were enjoying take-out from her favorite place. Jane was trying to master the art of handling chopsticks but she kept getting rice all over the floor. "You should practice more."

"Why?" Lisbon asked, "when we have a much better utensil: the fork!" she proudly held the object aloft before digging into the carton. She took a few bites of the fried rice but when she looked up again she caught Jane giving her a very soft look. "What?" she asked, "do I have something on my face?" Then she actually began to wipe at her lips and nose in case some stray sauce were there."

"No," Jane replied, "it's just nice to see you actually eating again."

Lisbon smiled even if she didn't really feel like it. "Well after your orders this morning I figured it would be best to listen to you rather than face your wrath."

"That's a good point," he joked, taking a sip of water.

Lisbon looked back down at her food and tried to decide just how honest she should be. She swirled her fork through the rice, making small piles in the container and she thought about everything she had realized that day.

Then it just came out.

"When I was fourteen I lost track of time at a friend's house. When I got home my dad was drunk and he started beating the hell out of me."

Jane had frozen still at her words, just staring at her with a look of horror on his face. She knew he wasn't surprised by the story, he'd known about her father; he was just shocked that she'd actually said something like that. "Good memories," Jane said, his light words contrasting with the darkness in his voice.

"He was hitting me over and over again," she continued, ignoring Jane's sarcasm, "but I didn't fight back. I couldn't…it was like I was trapped in my body. I saw what he was doing but I couldn't think, I couldn't will myself to fight him off."

Jane's eyes were haunted but he nodded his head. "You were in shock."

She nodded. "James and Will pushed him away from me and he passed out on the floor, but I don't remember that. I just remember sitting in my room, surprised to see that my comforter was covered in my blood. I had been in a daze for over an hour." Lisbon looked him in the eye, "I was fourteen…it wasn't my fault that happened."

"No," Jane agreed, "it wasn't."

A tear escaped her eye but she didn't brush it away. "When that man was attacking me in that alley, after he slammed my head down onto the concrete enough…I…I didn't have any control. I couldn't think, I couldn't fight because it was like…"

"Like you were fourteen again," Jane finished for her.

Lisbon took in a shaky breath and nodded once more. "I was fourteen, lying there as my father hurt me." More tears fell and now she did try to wipe them away. "I knew my childhood messed me up but I didn't think it was this bad," she admitted. "But now I know… I _know_ that it wasn't my fault."

Jane reached over, putting an arm around her shoulders and pulling her close to him. "That's a big step."

"Yeah," she said not stopping her tears anymore, "but I guess when you are trying to put together your shattered life, you have to start with the first piece."

"Now who's sounding like a fortune cookie?"

That quip did it, she started to giggle and she sat up again feeling much happier. "I'm going to do this," she told him firmly, "I'm going to get over it."

Jane smiled gently at her, reaching over to brush away a lock of her hair. "Yes, you are."

Once more she found herself looking into his eyes. "You're going to stay until I go to bed, right?"

"That was the plan."

Lisbon hoped he knew how happy that made her; she also hoped that he didn't know the warm feeling that thought stirred inside of her.

But she had a feeling that he did.

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Jacob Lisbon had died almost twenty years ago, Lisbon knew that, but now he was sitting in his chair nursing yet another bottle of whiskey. He was staring right at his only daughter, but he didn't seem to see her. Every now and then he would raise his arm to take a swig, but that was the only motion he made. He didn't even blink.

"Dad," Lisbon said.

Nothing.

"Dad, can you hear me?"

The whiskey sloshing around in the bottle was the only sound she heard.

She walked over and reached for him. She had glitter nail polish on her nails, why had she done that? She almost touched his shoulder, but for some reason he was still just out of reach. "Dad, please."

Whiskey was still more important than his child.

"Stop it!" she shouted out him, "Stop it, dad! Listen to me!" He never listened. He had buried his heart with their mother, never mind the fact that her children still lived and needed him. Never mind the fact that Tommy's clothes were too small, Will's shoes were falling apart and James needed braces. She could understand his pain, but she couldn't forgive.

"Damn you!" she shouted at him. "You never listened! You never help us! Why can't you do something!"

He did. He drank.

Then an arm wrapped around her waist. She didn't even have time to scream before she was yanked away from her father.

It was the alley again. Lisbon was on her back, fighting against unseen forces. Her attacker must have had multiple limbs, but she couldn't see anything but his looming shadow. She struggled, kicked, punched but she could do nothing.

Then she saw her one hope. Her father was standing there, bottle still in hand. "Help me!" she cried out to him, "Help me, dad!"

He looked right at her. He must see who was assaulting her He must have seen her one good arm reaching for him. But he did nothing.

Lisbon watched as that amber bottle rose to his lips and then as he took another long, hearty drink. His matching green eyes never left his daughter's.

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Lisbon woke with a gasp, blinking in the dark. Her heart was pounding, but there was no time to give it respite because there was suddenly another gasp that didn't come from her. She let out a shriek and slapped at whoever was in the dark with her.

"Ow!"

"Jane!" she cried out in surprise."

"Who did you think it was?" Jane asked her. Now that her eyes were adjusting to the dark, she could see him rubbing his sore shoulder.

"You—you're here?"

He nodded. "You had another dream."

Lisbon couldn't stop the tears from flowing and Jane did exactly what she wanted him to: he pulled her into his chest and let her cry. As she sobbed, she told him about the dream, about her father and how he had done nothing to help her. He let her talk, doing more for her than her father ever did, outside of her dreams even.

"You stayed," Lisbon said, still sniffling a little against his chest.

"Of course I did," Jane replied

"I guess it was too much to hope that this would be over too." Lisbon was still crying, her voice muffled by his shirt. "It's always awful, every night."

Jane pulled back a little to look into her water eyes. "You want to take a shower don't you?"

She nodded. "But I won't, I don't want to take four showers a day anymore. Even if I still feel _him _on me."

Jane reached up to gently cup her face in his hands, brushing away her tears with his thumbs. "He isn't."

"I know."

He pulled her up against him again, letting his fingertips trail down her arms and up again. She felt safe and content in his embrace; she felt clean again when he touched her. She couldn't believe that she was going to ask him this but the alternative was worse. "Will you stay in here with me?"

Jane didn't say anything but instead he laid her down onto the bed once more before tucking himself in beside her. He wrapped one arm around her and she settled in comfortably against his chest.

This should have felt awkward but it didn't. Sure he'd slept in this bed once before but she hadn't asked him to and she was sure it had been an accident, but this wasn't. This was real and what they both wanted. She loved it, loved feeling protected, loved feeling his sturdy warm frame beside her.

"Admit it," she told him, a slight catch in her voice to prove she was still emotional but that was all. "You did this on purpose so you could get into my bed."

She felt his smile against her hair. "You'll never prove it." Lisbon grinned at his reply and sighed happily.

She fell back to sleep to the sound of Jane's beating heart.

* * *

><p>AN: Well what did you think? Is it nice finally seeing Lisbon getting strong again, she's not okay yet...but she will be eventually.

Please review!

Next chapter: After hitting a dead end Lisbon convinces Jane to hypnotize her which leads to a new clue as to the identity of her rapist. But when the team goes after a new suspect Lisbon is tested once more. Is she strong enough to keep going or will she fall back to depression?


	13. Two Steps Back

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Sorry about the long wait, writer's block conspired against us and so did our work schedule but it is here and it is fabulous if I do say so myself hehehe. Anybody ready for more forward movement on Lisbon's case? It seems like everyone appreciated Lisbon's decision to overcome what happened to her but what will happen when she starts to feel the pressure to slink back into the pit? Read and find out.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Like I say, you can't rush genius, but we are terribly sorry for the wait. Don't worry, this chapter was nearly thirty pages long so hopefully that will make up for the wait. I think you'll like this one, it's a bit darker than the last one but not as dark as before, I promise. Enjoy.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Lisne**: Here it is! Sorry for the wait

**Anonymous**: I know you are impatient and we're sorry it took this long but it's finally here!

**PJAC18:** So glad you found this little fic and that you like it so much. Lisbon is going to go through another rough patch but the very worst is behind her, read and you'll see.

**nameless:** Well thank you! We didn't want to go into too much detail with the attack because it is a very very delicate subject to write about, leaving it up to the imagination to fill in the blanks also gives it a bit more of a creepier edge. We also didn't want to drive readers away from the violence but we did want to make the situation believable that Lisbon could be overcome. Some people expressed a bit of surprise that Lisbon could be attacked like that but the truth is even women who are trained in special ops in the military have been raped, it all depends on the situation that they are in and the man who attacks them, if he knows how to take them down well...the truth is it can happen to anyone.

**123TellMeYouLoveMe**: It did feel good to write something that wasn't quite as dark. We think you'll find some of the situations in this chapter interesting as far as Jane and Lisbon go hehehe.

**Guest**: Wow! I guess you enjoyed the last chapter hehehe. LOL yes Lisbon is getting closer to the woman she was before the attack, hopefully you'll see even more of that in the future. Grace and Lisbon needed that heart to heart, it was time they put that issue behind them. The scene with the church was necessary not only to reestablish Lisbon's faith but to cleanse her soul as well. The scene with Dr. Cargill was something we had planned for a long time, to explain not only how Lisbon could have gotten into such a state of helplessness but also to allow some of the character's real backstory to come out. It was an important scene that will also establish Dr. Cargill's role in this fic for the future. The bits with Jane are the most fun to write because we are romantics at heart and it is nice to finally start getting somewhere with that. You are going to LOVE what happens this chapter.

**Nat**: Thanks so much! We hope you like what happens in this chapter.

**Guest**: It's nice to write Lisbon getting stronger. We did so much research for this fic that we are beginning to feel like experts LOL but really it is important to keep this fic as accurate as we possibly can make it.

**NOTE**: Last but not least while bored we made a playlist for this fic. Please feel free to listen to these songs and suggest any more music that you think fits the tone of this story.

1._ Snow White Queen by Evanescence:_ this song seems to have been written for this fic, it's all about stalking and torture and fear.

2._ My Skin by Natalie Merchant:_ a fabulous song that is also the official song for this fic. It shows the darkness that Lisbon is going through and the despair.

3._ Breathe No More by Evanescence_: another song that speaks towards Lisbon's feelings as she struggles to figure out who she is after the attack.

4. _Need by Hanna Pestle:_ when viewed from the lens of Lisbon looking for herself, this song really does fit this story quite nicely

5._ Field of Innocence by Evanescence:_ Another song that perfectly fits how Lisbon feels like she has lost everyone about who she once was

6. _Rescue Me by Kerrie Roberts:_ the song for Lisbon crying out for help from her team and Jane, I love the line, "help me to breathe again"

7._ Fix You by Cold Play_: Every line of this song seems to be something Jane would be thinking as he is trying to help her.

8. _Breathe Me by Sia:_ One of the darkest songs, I love how it is about feeling pain which fits Lisbon trying just to feel _something_.

9._ Safe & Sound by Taylor Swift_: This is the song that I listened to whenever writing/thinking about the ending to chapter 7 with Jane staying the night.

10. _Going Under by Evanescence_: This is the song that fit chapters 8-11 with Lisbon sinking down into complete despair

11._ Sober by Kelly Clarkson_: The song where Lisbon dusts herself off and finally starts learning how to heal.

12. _Your Arms Feel Like Home by 3 Doors Down_: Jane and Lisbon's romance song because you all know that will come eventually right.

Enjoy the music and get to reading hehehe.

* * *

><p>Chapter 13: Two Steps Back<p>

It was on her last day of mandated leave that Lisbon decided to address the one issue she had yet to face: her brothers. More specifically Tommy.

Her younger brother had come to her, the only one who had been able to drop everything at once and rush to his damaged sister's side. He had even kept their other siblings at bay when they had wanted to come, knowing she was humiliated enough with just him at attendance. He had slept in a chair by her hospital bed, brought her hot chocolate to try and comfort her away from her nightmares, had even prayed for her to find her strength again.

But she had looked away from him while she had lain in that bed. The hot chocolate had sat on her dresser until it had turned cold and congealed. She had shut her eyes and ignored his pleas to God for her to get well. Lisbon had done what she had never done throughout her entire childhood. She had turned her back on her brother.

That was unacceptable.

So she picked up her phone and listened to the rings. "Hello," Tommy said in his chipper voice.

Lisbon took in a breath. Here goes nothing. "Hey, Tommy."

"Reese?" Her nickname came out in a gasp.

"Yeah," she said.

"Oh wow…I mean, damn it's good to hear from you."

"Yeah, I'm…I'm sorry I haven't called," she said.

"That's okay. I mean I called a bunch of times so you didn't really have to." It was left unsaid that she'd rarely ever answered those calls to talk to him and when she did she would say she was fine, very busy and end the conversation before anything could really begin.

"I should have," she said solemnly, "You've been so worried about me, I know it."

"That's okay."

"Tommy, please, let me just apologize and admit that I treated you like crap when you were here," Lisbon said.

He then did the unthinkable. He laughed.

Lisbon frowned at his mirth. "What?"

"I'm sorry, Reese, but I'm not sorry. It's just…you used your Big Sister voice."

"My _what_?" Now she knew that was her Explain Or Die voice.

"You were scolding me just like when we were kids," he said, "It was nice, like normal. You sound like yourself again."

Yes, she suppose she did. "I feel more like myself again," she said.

"Yeah, I can tell. I'm so glad, Reese. I've…well we've all been worried up here. James and I were thinking about coming down soon."

"You still can if you want," Lisbon said, "It would be nice to see you all again, but I'm…I'm still not completely better. I'm seeing Dr. Cargill and she's telling me to take it slow."

She didn't have the heart to tell him that she would rather they stay. She loved them, but right now she felt like Lavinia, Lucretia and the other women like her had only just left and were hoping for a return visit. If her true family came down she was worried that too much company would send her falling backwards.

Tommy took the hint. "How about we just stick to phone calls. Maybe when Annie is out for Spring Break we'll both come by and see you for a weekend."

"That would be good," Lisbon said with a genuine smile.

Their conversation turned to their typical topics. She told them about the team, simply mentioning that Jane had helped her through a rough patch rather than give him the details of her night with tequila and her Glock. Tommy announced that Annie had a boyfriend which turned into a round of teasing from her about him being an overprotective father while he reminded her of her boyfriends in high school.

After a half an hour they were out of things to say. Lisbon told him she had work tomorrow which was their usual closing.

"Okay," he said, "Good night, Reese."

"Good night, Tommy." That wasn't enough, not after everything she did. So she quickly added. "I love you."

There was a intake of breath and then a warm bubble of sound, maybe a chuckle. "I love you too."

There was forgiveness in those words, happiness and a promise of something better. Lisbon blinked back her own tears. They said their goodbyes and then she set her phone down on the table. This had been a good thing. Now her conscience was clear, her apologies all done. She could return to work ready for anything.

Except for the nightmares that continued to linger.

* * *

><p>The first day back at work after being suspended had been the definition of awkward, people stared at her most of the day, including her team. But Lisbon was actually thinking with a level head now, she knew that the best way to get past this was to ignore them and do her job. It took some time but as the days passed, people stopped staring at her and any remnant of pity seemed to fade as new topics made the run of the gossip mill.<p>

That didn't mean her team stopped worrying about her. Even now she still caught looks from them as if they tried to decipher if she was really doing better. The truth was she wasn't sure, she knew that she was _acting_ better and that on the outside she certainly seemed put together nowadays. She wished she could say she _felt_ better but that wasn't necessarily the case.

It was true she was working up to accepting that she wasn't at fault for being raped, she knew now that there were more factors in play than just her inability to properly defend herself at the time. Lisbon knew now that it wasn't her fault, the guilt was gone but the fear remained.

She still didn't feel entirely comfortable in her own skin, even more so she still felt afraid most of the time. The nightmares were still plaguing her every night and she didn't want to be around people very much. In fact, the only person she was really comfortable around was Jane. She knew that the rest of the team must know this, they weren't pushing her to get involved but she knew that they were still sad that she would rather hole herself up in her office as opposed to hang out with them in the bullpen.

Lisbon watched them from her office window. It was a boring day, which is why Rigsby and Cho were currently engaged in a battle over who could throw the most balls of scrap paper into the wastebasket without missing. Rigsby was trying to defend his record while Cho was methodically trying to psyche him out. Jane was watching from his couch, a cup of tea in hand, he was clearly enjoying the show. The only person actually working was Grace but even she was obviously distracted.

Normally Lisbon would be with them, first to give them a lecture about professionalism in the workplace only to sit back and watch the rest of the match because even she wanted to see who would win. But that wasn't her first inclination, a part of her wanted to stay away to avoid ruining things for them.

She remembered what her therapist had told her to do just yesterday. She had to start trying to push herself out of her shell. Not that she should put herself into situations that would make her anxious but she needed to also avoid becoming a lonely old hermit. Joining the team for down time would be a good start and besides…she missed them.

Before Lisbon could chicken out she stood up from her desk and slowly made her way over to the bullpen. She stood on the outskirts of the room watching them for a bit, not surprisingly it was Jane who noticed her first and his reassuring smile went a long way to calming her nerves. But the awkward silence that followed the rest of the team noticing her didn't make her feel as calm.

What would she normally do?

She tried to put on a fake smile. "You know this uh…this isn't high school, you can't goof off just because the teacher isn't in the room." Okay that was pretty lame but it was something right.

Rigsby fiddled with a wad of paper in his hands. "We were just taking a break."

She nodded. "Right, a break." She walked over and patted Grace's chair. "Good job Van Pelt, I'm glad one of you remembers what our job is here."

That was better and it did set them at ease, Lisbon noticed Rigsby's smile as she made her way over to sit by Jane. It didn't take long for Rigsby and Cho to continue their mini battle. "Nicely done," Jane said.

"Shut up," she replied and took a seat beside him on his couch. "So…who's winning?"

"Rigsby of course," Jane explained, "But Cho isn't far behind, clearly he's been practicing at home."

The mental image of Cho actually practicing something so ridiculous made her grin, she had no doubt that Jane was probably right. Cho would want to do well just to irk Rigsby if anything. "So you think he has a shot?"

Jane shrugged, "Anything is possible." He winked at her and nodded in the direction of the two men in question. "Watch this, Rigsby is going to choke on this shot and that will put Cho within striking distance."

Lisbon judged up Rigsby's confident demeanor and shook her head. "No way."

"Oh yes, when Rigsby gets cocky that is when he makes his mistakes, he only get's really good when he's in trouble."

She eyed Jane playfully. "You're wrong."

"Five bucks says I'm right."

She thought about it for a minute before nodding her head. "You're on."

They both settled back and watched as Rigsby psyched himself up for this shot from his desk. He studied the distance, warmed up his wrist and judged the distance again. Lisbon was about to roll her eyes at how ridiculously long he was taking when Rigsby finally released the ball of paper.

Only to watch as it bounced off the rim and onto the floor.

Jane turned to her and grinned. "Pay up."

She laughed a little and held up a hand in surrender. "Put it on my tab until I get my wallet."

"How do I know if I can trust you?" he asked her teasingly.

"I don't know," Lisbon replied, "maybe the next time you ask for money when we go to a casino you should ask Cho."

She was enjoying this battle of wits and feeling at ease now with her friends. Maybe things would be okay; maybe she would be able to keep this up. She almost didn't notice the courier come into the room until he asked for Cho.

They all looked a little confused as Cho signed his name and was given the thick envelope. "Is that a book order or are you being sued?" Jane quipped.

"No," Cho stated simply, any trace of humor was now gone in his eyes. What was going on?

Rigsby snuck a peek at the envelope. "It's from the FBI. They offer you a job or something?"

"No."

Lisbon was studying him and she had a very bad feeling that something was wrong. "What is it, Cho?"

She saw that he was reluctant to look at her but Cho kept most of his feelings in check. "I sent your case to the FBI database."

Her eyes widened and she felt that familiar sick feeling in her stomach every time she was reminded of her _case_. The whole room was filled with tension as they locked eyes with Cho. "You…you didn't say anything," Lisbon choked out.

"It was a couple of weeks ago," Cho replied simply, "it wasn't a good time."

That was an understatement. Two weeks ago she had been a walking disaster area, mentioning that her case was now being sent to the FBI probably would have resulted in her having another collective freak out. She hated being reminded of how terrible of a boss and friend she had been recently, she hated that she'd let herself sink so low.

Grace glanced nervously at Lisbon before turning her eyes back to Cho. "So…what did they say?"

It was a long shot, Lisbon knew that. Her rapist hadn't been in the California database but there still was a chance he was in the national database. Maybe he'd committed another rape in a different state? Maybe she would know these answers soon enough.

She needed to know who he was.

Lisbon couldn't shake the thought that once she knew the man who attacked her then and only then would this nightmare truly be over. She needed to know his name, to know what she had done that pushed him to hurt her like this. Like every other victim she had strived to help, she needed closure…and that meant finding him.

Cho was looking at the envelope in his hand that might contain the answers they were all anxious for. He carefully tore open the flap and pulled out a sheaf of papers. Lisbon knew that it was a lot of legal jargon that they would have to wade through to get to the reason the search had been conducted.

Maybe it was there. Maybe there was a sentence that said, "Suspect's DNA matches so and so." And the great mystery would be solved.

The longer Cho took to read the document the more her heart pounded. This was it; this was the moment she was waiting for. Closure.

Then Cho looked up and shook his head.

Her heart sank.

"Nothing?" Rigsby asked, his voice deflated.

"No," Cho replied and tossed the papers onto his desk, "whoever he is he doesn't have a criminal record."

Jane had remained silent throughout all of this until now. "It's not surprising, he wouldn't have left evidence behind if he thought it would lead to him."

"We had to try," Grace said.

He simply nodded. "I didn't say it was wrong."

Lisbon looked down at the floor, any comfort and ease she'd felt before was now gone. "Well," she said softly, "I guess that's it." She wiped her sweaty palms on her pant legs before standing up. "I should go back to work, forms and stuff." Lisbon somberly quit the room, leaving sadness in her wake.

She knew the paper basketball game was over now.

The truth was that Lisbon was devastated when the report had come back stating that the DNA of her attacker didn't match anyone in the database. It didn't seem fair. She'd done everything right, she'd reported the attack, she'd allowed herself to be photographed and swabbed all over to get physical evidence. They had more than enough to go to court…just no one to compare it to.

She couldn't identify him. She hadn't seen his face, hadn't heard his voice. He'd touched her and violated her but she had no idea who he was. How could someone have lain on top of her and raped her and not know who he was?

Lisbon sat in her office chair staring down at the paperwork in front of her, but she couldn't see it. She kept going back to the night of the fundraiser, back to that dark and dirty alley. She wanted to see his face…but she couldn't. She could feel his hands on her, smell his breath and hear his unforgiving laugh, but she couldn't see his face.

"You okay?"

She looked up to see Jane standing in her doorway. When had he come in? He must have knocked, he always did that now, obviously she hadn't heard him. Lisbon thought about lying but that was useless with Jane; he knew exactly what she had been doing in here.

Lisbon shook her head. "I didn't see his face. I don't know who he is."

"We'll find him."

"How?" Lisbon asked honestly. "There were no matches in the system and we don't have any suspects to compare the DNA to."

"We know that he must have been at the fundraiser," Jane reminded her.

"There were over two hundred people at the fundraiser, we have no way of knowing which one he might be."

"We will figure this out."

"How, Jane?" She asked again, "How? I don't know what he looked like." She stood up from her desk but looked away from Jane, towards the window. "There must be something that we missed, something that can help us find him." She shook her head. "I just feel like I'm failing you guys, that there is something that I've forgotten."

"We've gone over this with you several times. You told us everything you could."

Then Lisbon turned to look at him again, her face the picture of somberness. "There is an obvious thing we could do…I'm surprised you haven't mentioned it."

Jane's eyes were dark and locked on hers, but the tight line of his mouth told her that he had thought about it quite a bit. He shook his head, "No, Lisbon, I'm not going to hypnotize you."

She was actually surprised by his answer. "That's a first. You _don't_ want to hypnotize someone?"

"You don't want me to either."

"Yes I do."

"No," Jane said carefully, "You don't." His voice was hard and firm; she hadn't seen him look so serious in a long time. She saw something else in his eyes, a little bit of fear. "Do you know what would happen if I did? You would have to live through that again, that horrific night. You don't want to see that again, not really. And to be frank, I don't want to hear about it."

That was true. If he did hypnotize her than he would hear every detail of her attack. Over the months since her rape Lisbon had come to realize that Jane had been devastated by it as well. He'd been the one helping her through the worst of times; holding her while she endured the nightmares and finally forcing her to recognize that she needed to let it all go. More than anyone else, Jane had lived through this with her, actually hearing the specifics would be very hard for him.

Not to mention the effects it would have on her. She had lived with the memories every moment afterwards but the only time she actually had to really put herself back into that alley was in her nightmares. And those were bad enough. To actually experience it all over again…it was terrifying.

She was only just now getting over it. For months she had been a weak pathetic mess of anxiety and depression. Now Lisbon was slowly recovering her strength, but it could be so easy to slip back. She didn't want to do that, not at all.

But she needed to know who he was.

"Jane," she began very softly, "I know that this is a lot to ask…but I need you to do this. I just have to know if I missed something. We both know that during traumatic events we can block things out, maybe I saw something that I can't remember." She stepped closer to him and kept her eyes on him, "I know this will be hard, not just for me, but if there is a chance that we can learn something new…then I want to do it."

He was quiet for a while, just searching her eyes, testing to see if this was something she really wanted to do. Jane must have seen the logic behind her decision, but he wanted to make sure that this was actually something she could handle. Lisbon wasn't sure about the answer; she just knew that she had to try.

Finally he nodded slowly, "Okay."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

For the second time in her life Lisbon let Jane into her apartment so he could hypnotize her. She was even more nervous this time around, not from the fear of Jane being inside of her home and her head. No this time she was terrified to live through the worst moment of her life again.

Lisbon took a seat on her couch and Jane sat down next to her but they didn't speak yet. She wiped her sweaty palms on her pant legs and tried to calm herself down. She had to relax for this right? "Okay," she told him, "just do it."

Jane considered her for a moment and then shook his head, "No, I've changed my mind."

"What?"

"I'm not going to do this," he explained, "you don't really want to which is why you are so nervous. You'd have to relax and I don't think that is possible. Instead why don't you just sit here and rest, just let your mind drift away to a better time. Listen to me, I'm not doing this to you."

His voice was so soft and seductive; she couldn't tear her eyes away from him, even when she felt herself starting to fade. "Just listen to the quiet, Lisbon. Listen, you can hear your own heart beat. A gentle rhythm…tap…tap…tap. It's soothing isn't it? A steady beat that can lull you to sleep. So why don't you?"

"Sleep." He whispered gently into her ear.

And she did.

Jane spent the next ten minutes or so continuing his gentle cadence to get her to a state of absolute calm. He probably took longer than he needed to; Lisbon was very susceptible to hypnosis after all. But he was putting off the inevitable; he really did not want to do this. Probably the only thing worse for him than hearing the horrifying details of Lisbon's brutal rape was to experience the murder of his family all over again.

But she was right. There was a chance that they could learn something invaluable from this. He admired her bravery in this; she had more courage than anyone he'd ever known.

"All right," he began carefully, "think back to the day of the fundraiser. Like you are watching it on television. What do you see?"

"I'm at the CBI," she told him, her voice was emotionless in her hypnotic state. "We've arrested Lawrence for the evidence tampering. I'm relieved because I wanted the case to be over with before the fundraiser, Bertram wouldn't leave me in peace otherwise."

"You're probably right," Jane agreed. He could imagine Bertram's displeasure over the internal investigation going on at the same time as the ball.

"I'm meeting Wainwright's brother, Jasper. He flirts with me. He's cute but I'm not sure, he's my boss's brother and I don't want the complications…and there's something I don't like about him."

_"Interesting,"_ Jane thought but decided that it was time to get closer to the main event. "Let's skip to the ball."

"It's warm, there are a lot of people. You look really good in your tux, I just hope you don't embarrass me."

"Just how good do I look?" He couldn't help but ask with a small smile.

She actually grinned, "_Really _good, I look at you more often than usual. I like the way the soft light looks on you, you seem peaceful."

Well this was getting out of hand. "What happens next?"

"I talk to Dave Ryckart, he's still an ass. I'm never dancing with Rigsby again, I think he broke all of my toes." That made Jane smile again. "Jasper Wainwright asks me to dance. He's a little drunk and too friendly. Thank God you spill champagne on him."

Her expression changed to one of seriousness and she actually blushed. "We're dancing. I feel your hand on my back, it feels warm, _I_ feel warm. You smell so good, it makes me feel comfortable but in a new way." Her breathing became more erratic, "My heart is pounding. You must feel it too. You have to know what I'm thinking now. What do we do?"

Jane couldn't stop himself from remembering that dance. That moment that could only be described as electric. He had felt her heartbeat against his chest, the tension in her body. He'd known how the charge between them was affecting her…just as sure as he'd known how it was affecting him.

"I need to go," Lisbon continued with her story, oblivious to Jane's musings. "I need some air." He swallowed heavily and released a long breath; he knew what was coming soon. "I'm watching the dance from the window. You're inside with Cho. I can't let you affect me like this, it would be too difficult. I'm going to go back in there and pretend it never happened."

Jane held his breath and waited for the inevitable.

"I'm slammed up against the wall, I don't know what just happened. I'm on the ground. Someone is grabbing me, he has my arms pinned. He's dragging me. I have to get away." Her breathing was coming very fast now as she relived that moment. "I'm going to scream but he hits me, I can't breath."

Jane clenched his jaw and swallowed hard. He felt his stomach roll.

"He throws me into the alley. I have to get up, I have to fight. He's on top of me. I kick him but it doesn't work. He slams my head against the concrete. I can't think. He rolls me over." Lisbon cried out, "Oh my God he's on top of me! He's going to rape me!"

"It's all right," Jane told her very softly, "Calm down." His voice was soothing but that was all, he was actually shaking now.

"He hits me again and now I…I don't know what I'm doing. I can't get him off!"

"Lisbon," He told her again, "It isn't happening now. Focus and tell me what you can see about your attacker."

Her breathing steadied somewhat but she was still emotional. "He's white, I can see his skin. I can smell something…cologne?"

"Can you identify it?"

"No," Lisbon said.

"What else do you see?"

"His hair is dark and short, brown…maybe black, clean shaven…"

"Do you see his face?"

She shook her head a little. "It's too dark, the dumpster's shadow obscures him." She let out a sharp gasp of horror. "Oh God he's licking me!" Jane flinched and had to resist the urge to cover his ears.

Instead, Jane placed a hand on her arm, "Don't focus on that."

But that was very hard to do. "No! Stop it! He's ripping my dress! He…he's touching me!" Jane actually felt ill now.

"Lisbon," Jane said sharply but still in a low voice. "Stop this. You are safe, nothing is happening to you now. I promise." Her breathing was sharp but she stopped vividly describing the event. "Now…" He hesitated as he tried to gather the strength to continue. "Now, back to the man attacking you."

Her breathing became faster but wasn't as uncontrollable. "I…I scratch him. I don't get his face but I scratch his neck and arms. He's wearing a white dress shirt. I tear the sleeve and scratch his arm. I feel something. There's something weird there."

That perked Jane's interest and made him feel slightly excited. "Describe it."

"His skin. A patch of it is raised and rough. It's a scar…a burn."

This was good, very good. "How big is it?"

Lisbon shook her head, "I don't know. He keeps moving. It's happening so fast, I don't know."

"Focus on that moment where you felt it," Jane told her. "How big is the scar?"

"Not too big," Lisbon replied, "small…like a business card."

"Which arm is it on?"

"The…the left, I think."

Jane nodded. "What else do you see?"

"I…I don't…I reach for his face but he grabs my wrist." Lisbon let out a small cry, "He twists it, I hear a crack."

Suddenly she started thrashing a little violently. "He's lifting up my dress. I can feel him… Oh my God!"

Her strangled scream was too much for Jane to take. He'd had enough to last him a million nightmares. "Stop!" He told her very quickly, "We're done. When I touch your shoulder you are going to wake up."

Jane placed a hand on her shoulder immediately and she blinked open her eyes. The moment she met his gaze she began to sob. He didn't hesitate, just pulled her up against him so she could cry into his chest. "It's over," He whispered into her hair, rubbing soothing circles on her back. "Everything is fine now."

He didn't know if he was saying that for her sake or for his.

"Oh God," she told him while she still sobbed, "He was hurting me again."

"Shhhh," Jane whispered and continued to stroke her hair and her back. "He's gone now, you're safe."

She cried for a long time and Jane let her, he wanted to cry too. It was horrible to have to just listen and feel her emotions; he couldn't imagine what it must have been like to actually experience it. Finally her sobs began to subside but Jane continued to soothe her until she was calm once more.

"I'm sorry I made you do this," she said, her voice muffled by his shirt.

Jane shook his head. "It worked." He tilted her head so she was looking up at him; her eyes were red and teary making the green even more prominent. "He has a burn scar on his arm."

"I don't know anyone who has that," Lisbon pointed out, "We still don't know who he is."

"But it's a start," Jane reminded her, "Now we have something that can identify him."

Lisbon nodded and laid her head back down on his chest. They stayed like that for a while, her head resting over his heart and his lips barely touching the top of her head. "Thank you," she whispered very softly, "thank you for caring for me."

Jane didn't know what to say. Instead he gently kissed her hair and held her tighter to him. Here in his arms he knew she was safe. She needed that comfort.

And so did he.

* * *

><p>It was Cho's idea to send the DNA to the FBI that gave Grace her own idea. Sure, he hadn't brought them any closer to finding Lisbon's rapist, but at least he was trying. The truth was that ever since Lisbon started falling apart the team had put her case on hold. Jane had wanted to focus solely on getting her well and Grace…well she didn't like the reminder that Lisbon had been raped.<p>

But now that she was getting better, Grace thought that it was time to start looking into the case again. They had evidence and a whole list of suspects, it was just proving difficult to narrow it down. Well she was determined to find something new.

While Rigsby and Cho went out for lunch and Jane shared tea with Lisbon in her office, Grace pulled out the well worn case file and glanced over every part of it again. She couldn't see anything in the security video. There were just too many people to actually find someone who looked suspicious. It would take forever to go over every part of it in search for a clue without having a place to start. They had to use this only with a suspect in mind.

The guest list had been narrowed over the months since the party. The women had all been removed as well as those with obvious alibis, those who had never known Lisbon, lack of skill in combat or no experience with cops. But since it was a ball hosted to give money to law enforcement, there was still a lot of men still on the list. Even those who hadn't filed any complaints against Lisbon weren't crossed off.

Still, just staring at the long list of names was giving her a headache as well as reminding her how far away they were from actually catching the bastard.

Grace went over every piece of evidence in the file, only stopping to get coffee. Rigsby and Cho returned, both of them eyeing what she was doing before going to their desks without saying a word. They had all poured over it during these past few weeks.

She reached for her cup and took a sip, getting nothing but a drop of ice cold coffee. She shoved the mug away and leaned back in her chair with a sigh. Nothing. Not for the first time, Grace longed for Jane's magic touch. He could conjure up a theory out of nowhere. Maybe she should just take it to him and see what he could find.

But he was with Lisbon now and as much as she longed for his help, she didn't want to upset Lisbon. She was getting stronger, but everyone knew she was still walking on very thin glass. One little push and she could fall through again, who knew if she could climb her way back up.

Time to accept defeat and move on.

Grace started gathering up the papers, smoothing them out and setting them back into the stretched and worn folder. She paused when she lifted away one paper and saw one she'd neglected mostly before. It was the plans for the security detail, nothing terribly exciting. They all knew Officer Ryckart had been in charge of the security and he'd already answered all of their questions…with blatant hostility.

What was interesting was the plans themselves. It had a list of shift times as well as positions for the men. They were stationed at the front and at all corners of the room and in the back lot. They already knew the side exits had been left unguarded. There were also two men on patrol.

During the 11:30 to 12:30 shift, Ryckart should have been on patrol. He wouldn't have been by the alley, being stationed closer to the front, but he was certainly close enough to have heard any struggling. So why had he been deaf that night?

Grace scrambled for the papers, rifling through them with no care. She even tore off the corner of one as she struggled to find the full report of the night of the attack. Cho had taken even more copious notes than normal for Lisbon's case. It took a bit of reading before she found the initial response when the attack came through.

_Brenda Shettrick immediately sought help from security. The leading officer on watch was Officer Samuel Greene._

Ryckart had been on duty and yet he had not been the leading officer. That made no sense at all.

Grace felt a chill go through her, moving up her spine until it reached her throat, threatening to choke her. A memory came back, one she hadn't thought to recall before. Lisbon and her were waiting for the elevator when Ryckart had first appeared. The bitterness between he and Lisbon had been obvious before hostile words were exchanged. More than that, he had told Rigsby and Cho, _"The way she treats people…I'm honestly surprised this didn't happen sooner."_

Ryckart hated Lisbon. He was a trained law enforcement officer who could easily overpower an unsuspecting woman.

_Oh God,_ Grace thought, torn between joy at finding a clue and the sickening possibility that she may have stared into the eyes of Lisbon's rapist.

"Guys," she said softly, gathering the attention of her two teammates, "I think I've found something."

* * *

><p>Once more the team was gathered around a computer watching the footage from the night of the fundraiser, except this time Lisbon was in the same room. She wasn't watching it though; instead she was standing by Jane's desk trying to fight the urge to bite her nails nervously. It was a habit she had kicked years ago but now it was trying to make a comeback.<p>

She watched as Jane shook his head, his eyes still on the screen. "He isn't on camera, not even after the ambulance arrived."

"Well it takes time to clean up after attacking someone," Rigsby pointed out and Lisbon flinched. They noticed. "Sorry."

"No, it's okay," she said softly even though that was as the exact opposite that she was feeling.

Jane stepped away from the computer and stood close to her, he didn't touch her but she really wished he would, maybe that would make her feel less anxious. Cho was staring at the screen, lost in thought. "Ryckart was at the event, he knows how to take down other cops…because he is one, and he doesn't like Lisbon."

He met Jane's eyes. "Can you think of any reason why he wouldn't fit the profile?"

Jane shook his head. "No, at least, nothing obvious."

Lisbon sank down into the nearby chair, staring straight ahead while her heart pounded in her throat. "So…this could really be him."

She didn't know what she was feeling at the moment, she should be excited right? They might be very close to finally catching the monster that had raped her. But she couldn't work up that rush, that feeling she always felt when they were close to solving a case. In fact, what she did feel was anxious…and like throwing up.

"He has major control issues," Grace said, doing what she was supposed to do: her job. "When I met him in the elevator he referred to women in the workplace as a 'disease'. He specifically blamed Lisbon."

Now she felt a bit like a ghost, watching and spying on the investigation into her own case. A part of her preferred it like that; being invisible might have been a good thing now.

"He also deflected the blame, said that she was looking for trouble because of the way she treated people." Rigsby glanced over at her sheepishly, "he's wrong."

But Lisbon wasn't listening; in fact, she was hearing something else entirely.

_"Agent Lisbon," he said, taking a slow sweep of her with his eyes, "I'm surprised, you actually look like a woman tonight." _

_ Lisbon gave him a fake smile. "And you _almost_ look like a man."_

She'd insulted him. To his face.

Oh God what if that was what did it?

He said that she deserved what happened to her because of the way she treated people. Was that what he'd meant? That she'd cut him so deep that he had to prove he was a man by raping her?

A hand on her shoulder startled her and she looked up to see Jane's soul-piercing eyes. "Don't think that," he whispered softly.

Of course he'd known.

Lisbon wasn't sure if she believed him but she felt a small part of her anxiety ease, it was nice to hear it at least.

She still felt sick to her stomach.

To rub some salt into the wound, Cole Sanford took that opportunity to make an appearance. "Agent Rigsby," he said handing over a thick folder, "You wanted the complaints on Officer Ryckart."

"Uh, yeah," Rigsby said, taking the folder, "Thanks."

"It's not a problem," Sanford replied, "apparently he has quite a record down there." He eyed Jane, "Though not nearly as much as some people."

Lisbon wanted to smile at that statement but she was too busy drowning in her own fears to even notice the humor in it.

"Agent Lisbon," Sanford greeted her politely. She didn't say anything but did meet his eyes for a moment. "Are you all right?"

Great, just what she needed, more pity.

Jane put a hand on her shoulder, like a man defending his woman. "She's fine."

Sanford didn't look like he believed him but chose to accept it. He nodded his head and walked away quietly. Lisbon couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief when he left, she was barely comfortable around her team, anyone else and she was a complete basket case.

There was an awkward pall over the room as the other three members of the team glanced her way, wondering if she really was okay. Obviously she wasn't.

Cho was the one who remembered first that they had a job to do. "What are those complaints about, Rigsby?"

The other man was jerked back into being the professional; he opened the file and began to pass around the complaints. After looking at a few it was obvious there was a pattern. "A lot of these are from women," Rigsby pointed out.

"He's a chauvinist to the extreme," Jane replied, "that shouldn't be surprising."

Grace blushed and glanced up at Lisbon. "Uh…here's yours, boss."

"Oh." Lisbon stood up, walking away from Jane so she could pace for a bit. She felt anxious and jittery again…and dirty. God she wanted to shower…no she should think like that. She crossed her arms across her chest, almost hugging herself.

"He was badgering a witness, a woman of course. She was reporting a suspect who harassed her and Ryckart…he was acting like an ass. Wanted to know why she was making a big deal of it, he basically accused her of lying and that she should suck it up." Lisbon grimaced, "I pulled him aside and told him to lay it off and he told me that it wasn't my place…like he was better than me." Her fingers were clutching her arms so tight she would find bruises later, "I reported him because I felt he was unprofessional."

She paused and swallowed heavily. "He confronted me in Bertram's office. Accused me of overstepping my bounds…he…he said I have to 'learn my place'."

There was a very long moment of silence as her words hung in the air. She hadn't realized she'd said anything profound, to be honest, she'd forgotten that they were there. She was mostly thinking aloud.

"God…he even _sounds_ like a rapist," Rigsby said, breaking the silence with his prophetic words.

Lisbon felt a chill sweep through her. He was right…and she had been the one who'd awoken the monster within.

She rubbed her arms, trying to get rid of this terrible feeling. "I…uh, I'm going to get some water." She really wanted to get away from all of this.

The break room was like a haven, a grungy crumb-covered haven with old coffee and stale bagels. She didn't care; she just wanted something to occupy her mind other than reminding herself of her failings.

Water would be good, it was clean and refreshing, that was supposed to make her feel better. That's why they are always giving water to people who are upset right? There was a bottle in the fridge and she quickly twisted off the cap to take a healthy swallow.

"Boss?"

Cho's voice startled her and she whirled around to look at him. Unfortunately her foot caught on the leg of a chair and she quickly lost her balance. Cho reached out to catch her arm and steady her, normally that was a kind gesture but Lisbon wasn't normal anymore.

She snatched her arm away and took three large steps back until she was up against the cabinets, her body was shaking all over and she eyed him warily. Cho held up his hands in surrender. "I'm sorry."

"N-no," Lisbon stammered out. Why was she acting so crazy? "It's okay I just…I'm still not over…_that_."

A co-worker saved her from falling over and she acts like he slapped her, she needed to be committed.

"I'm sorry," he repeated. It was never easy to tell what Cho was feeling but Lisbon knew he was hurt. She should be able to trust him…but that wasn't possible yet. Only one man was allowed to touch her and Cho wasn't him.

She set the water bottle on the counter, her hand was still shaking. "Did you want something, Cho?" Her voice sounded high and weird.

He nodded. "I wanted to make sure you were okay with this."

"Okay with what?" He gave her a deadpan look and she tried to hide her discomfort with a smile. "Okay with you working my case? It's your job. You're taking the lead on this one since you're lead agent and I'm…I'm…the victim." She choked out the last word.

"You're not—."

"I am," she told him firmly, giving him a sad smile. "There's no way around it. I'm not the lead agent on this case…I'm the victim," she repeated. She took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. "It means you have to be the one to lead them, to follow the evidence and find who did this. It's no different from any other case."

Cho caught her eye. "Yes it is."

"I guess that was a little silly," she said, looking down at the ground. She sighed and met his eyes once more. "Look, just do your job. I'll be fine; I'll stay here and do paperwork. You chase down leads…hey take Jane with you, it'll be a relief to get away from him." Lisbon tried to joke but it came out lame. She sighed once more and gave him a calm look. "You'll do a good job."

"I know," Cho told her simply. He looked her up and down and she knew she saw sympathy and a bit of worry in his gaze. He was afraid; afraid he'll fail her. What he didn't know was that he shouldn't be…if anyone was the failure it was her.

But Cho wasn't a talker and quickly he put on his mask of stoicism before nodding his head, a simple gesture of goodbye. Then he was gone.

She sank down at the table and covered her eyes with her hands.

Oh God this was hard…so much harder than she thought. They questioned her and she felt afraid. Cho touched her and she freaked out and now…now all she wanted to do was cry. There was no denying it.

She was falling apart once more.

* * *

><p>It was not the first time Cho and Rigsby had gone to SACPD and it certainly wouldn't be the last, but it definitely was the first time that they had gone to question a cop about a case. Officer Ryckart was at his desk, the permanent scowl gracing his face. His expression didn't change when Rigsby and Cho walked up; in fact, his eyes seemed to grow darker.<p>

"What are you doing here?"

Rigsby raised an eyebrow at Ryckart's hostility but Cho didn't seem to care. "We need to talk to you about the night of the CBI fundraiser."

Now Ryckart simply looked exasperated. "I've already given my report, I've gone over this several times."

"Well we need to talk to you about it again," Cho replied, he was not going to budge on this. "What did you see that night?"

"Nothing. I was making my rounds. I didn't know anything had happened until the ambulance showed up."

Cho nodded. "Because Officer Greene was the one who talked to Brenda Shettrick, he's the one who was first on the scene."

"That's right."

Cho and Rigsby exchanged looks. Rigsby was the one who brought his house down around his ears. "We have a problem with that. You were the officer in charge of security detail but…you weren't the lead officer on the scene. Why is that?"

"Shettrick talked to Sam first."

"Why?"

Now Ryckart really looked pissed. "I don't know. I was making the rounds, I wasn't close to the scene."

"Except you were," Cho pointed out. "We looked at the security plans. You were stationed at the side of the plaza, right next to the window where Lisbon was attacked."

Rigsby nodded. "You were ten feet away, you think you would have heard a woman being beaten and raped."

Ryckart lowered his head and glared at them. "Maybe she should have screamed."

Rigsby leaned down to level his gaze with him. "You're trying to say it's her fault?"

He shrugged. "I'm just curious as to why a woman was out alone…unless she was looking for trouble. Perhaps things simply got out of hand."

Cho could tell that Rigsby was getting very close to throttling the man…and Cho wanted to help him. He crossed his arms to resist that urge. "You can keep your opinions, but none of that changes the fact that you should have seen or heard something…unless you weren't there."

"Or you were the one doing it," Rigsby finished for him.

The officer really didn't like that accusation, his head snapped up and he gave them a poisonous look. "Are you accusing me of something?"

"You never liked Lisbon," Rigsby pointed out, "you said as much in your report on her complaint months ago."

"That was unreasonable."

"As unreasonable as you lying about where you were during the attack?" Cho asked.

"I didn't touch her! I was doing my job!"

"Then where were you?"

Ryckart narrowed his eyes and leaned back in his seat, his face was flushed with anger. "I don't have to say another word to you. I know you don't have anything."

"We aren't finished with our investigation," Cho reminded him, "We've only just begun picking through your life."

"You can't do that!"

"Then start being honest with us."

There was a dangerous gleam in Ryckart's eyes, which might explain his reckless choice of words. "You want honesty? That bitch deserved everything she got."

For a second the words hung in the air like a toxic fume.

Then Rigsby punched Ryckart.

Cho pulled him away quickly after that when all hell broke loose. While the hubbub in the bullpen began with some officers rushing to Ryckart's defense and Ryckart sputtering about pressing charges. There was only one thing that was certain.

The interview was definitely over.

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Lisbon was sitting in Wainwright's office for the second time in as many weeks; fortunately for her she wasn't the one in trouble this time. Unfortunately…it was another member of her team who was the subject of disgrace this time.

"The CBI has a constant presence in SACPD, we depend on them for manpower, good relations are essential," Wainwright reminded Rigsby icily, "Attacking one of their officers is exactly what you are _not_ supposed to do."

Rigsby didn't say anything; Lisbon and Wainwright could both tell from his expression that he wasn't sorry in the least. Of course Lisbon was having a hard time caring too, not because Ryckart was the bastard Rigsby had hit but simply because she felt that this was trivial in the grand scheme of things, she had far more important things to worry about such as trying to keep her sanity.

"Why would you even do this?" Wainwright finally asked.

Rigsby was willing to answer that question. "He said that Lisbon deserved to be raped." Lisbon flinched at her name and word _rape_ being put in the same sentence, even if it was true.

Silence followed Rigsby's answer with much of Wainwright's initial anger disintegrating while Lisbon simply stared down at her hands. She was embarrassed knowing that she was the cause for all of this.

Wainwright paused and fumbled for something to say, it was going to be hard to set his own feelings aside. "Professionally I should tell you that the actions you took are unacceptable," he paused for a moment, "personally I'd like to know if you put your full weight behind it."

Rigsby smile a little and nodded his head while Lisbon tried to sink down further and disappear entirely.

"You'll be under review for this which means you can't go into the field for at least week," Wainwright finally said, "and you'll have to stay away from Officer Ryckart through this investigation."

"That's fine," Rigsby said, clearly liking the idea of being as far away from the son of a bitch as possible.

They were dismissed with Rigsby basically getting a slap on the wrist. Lisbon wanted to be happy that her team member had been let off so easily but she couldn't work up that particular emotion.

"How'd it go?" Grace asked as soon as they walked into the room.

"I got off pretty easy," Rigsby told them sitting down at his desk, "Apparently Wainwright thinks he deserved it too."

Lisbon closed her eyes against the pain. "Look, I'm happy for you," she told Rigsby sternly, "But that was unprofessional and wrong, you can't resort to that…even for me." Lisbon sighed heavily. "It's late, you guys should go home."

"But we still have…"

"Nothing that can't wait until tomorrow," Lisbon said, "I know I'm not lead agent on this but…I…I just think that it's enough for the day."

She didn't give them time to protest anymore but instead she turned around and walked over to her empty office, she wanted to sit in the dark once more. But Lisbon didn't have to turn around to know that Jane was following her…she could sense him.

"Are you okay?"

Lisbon almost laughed. She did turn around and shake her head. "No, I'm not. My team is defending my honor against the man who very possibly could have raped me." She sank down onto the couch and covered her face with her hands. "I just…I want this all to be over."

"I know," Jane said softly sitting down beside her. He put a hand on her shoulder and she took comfort in his touch once more.

"I…I feel," she faltered for her words, "I feel like I'm losing control again, Jane."

"Then you need to get it back."

"I don't know how."

"Then I'll help you," he told her with a smile, he rubbed her arm through the fabric of her long-sleeved top. "You should go home and get some rest."

She shook her head. "No, I still have some paperwork I have to do."

"Do it tomorrow."

Lisbon smiled a little. "I'll go home soon," she promised him and she stood up to return to her desk. After a few moments, Jane stood up from the couch and calmly left the room. She sighed once she was alone, what comfort she'd had in his presence was gone.

And the darkness descended once again.

* * *

><p>It was late at the CBI, extremely late. Everyone else had left, even Jane. But Lisbon was still in her office, unwilling to go home to an empty apartment where the only thing waiting for her was her own nightmares. So she flipped through paperwork that didn't really need to be done, all so she could stave off the inevitable.<p>

She reached for her coffee mug only to find it completely empty. With a tired sigh, Lisbon stood up from her desk and walked out of the room. The break room was empty like the rest of the building but the coffee pot was still full. She was ready to pour herself a cup when a hand reached over to stop her.

Startled, Lisbon dropped the mug and it shattered onto the floor. She looked up to see Officer Ryckart giving her his infamous cold stare. "What are you doing here?" she asked, she hadn't been able to hide the fear in her voice.

"I want you to tell your team to leave me alone." He told her harshly, "I don't like being harassed."

"They are doing their job," she replied. Lisbon took a step back so she could be at a comfortable distance from him. "They just want to eliminate all possible suspects."

"And that includes me." Ryckart stated and he stepped forward, closing the distance between them.

She stepped away again. "It's nothing personal."

"It is to me," he stepped closer and Lisbon felt her heart begin to pound.

Lisbon moved away, her back edging towards the door. "Ryckart…you have to understand…"

"Understand what?" He asked, stepping closer. "Why I'm being harassed because someone put you back in your place? Because you learned what it meant to be a woman?" Then he laughed. It was a terrifying laugh, one she knew well.

The same one that haunted her nightmares.  
>Horrified Lisbon bolted for the door, she didn't know where she was going but she had to escape him. She had to get away from that awful laugh.<p>

Her office, she could be safe there. She had her gun, her phone. She could call for help.

She reached the doorway but Ryckart appeared seemingly from nowhere, he wrapped two arms around her and then tossed her to the ground.

Lisbon fell to the concrete, her head smacking against the pavement. He threw himself on top of her and she tried to kick him but her dress was hindering her movements. He grabbed her hair into his fist and slammed her head down once more. Then he rolled her over.

She was back in the alley with him on top of her, but through the veil of shadows she could see Ryckart's face. He punched her across the face, snapping her head to the side while she lay on the ground stunned.

Ryckart looked down at her in disgust while his hands began to tear at her dress. One hand ran up the length of her thigh, the other found her throat, dipping down towards her breasts. His hands were rough on her flesh, cruelly squeezing and bruising her skin. A whimper escaped her lips as he leaned down and licked her cheek like an animal.

"Look at me!" he growled out and grabbed her chin in his hand forcing her to meet his eyes. "You self-righteous bitch, I'll prove to you that I am a man."

And then he ripped her underwear from her body, forcing his way between her legs. She felt the hard length of him as he squeezed her wrist painfully to prevent her from fighting back. Lisbon knew the battle was lost when he forced his way in…

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Lisbon bolted upright in bed, her screams still ringing in her ears. She didn't think, just untangled herself from her bed sheets that were damp with her sweat before running into her bathroom. She turned the shower on full blast, not even noticing which nozzle she turned but let out a sob when the water hit her.

Her legs shook so much that she finally sank down onto the tile floor and let the spray wash over her. For a while all Lisbon did was cry with her knees pulled up and her head buried in her hands. She needed this; she needed to wash away the memories of him touching her, to wash away his sweat and fluid so she could be clean again.

She hadn't felt like this in a while.

Lisbon lifted her head and looked down at herself. Her oversized shirt was soaked and clinging to her body, along with the pajama pants she was wearing now. She didn't sleep without pants on anymore, one concession she'd made since she'd decided to retake her life. Until now. She looked at her hands, pruned from the water and trembling from fear. Oh God what was she doing? She was supposed to be getting over this, not going back to the pathetic mess she used to be.

She slapped the water off before rushing out of the bathroom. She knew only one thing that would make her feel better.

Her phone was resting on her bedside table. It took a second for her to hit the name on her contacts; the only sound was her crying and the faint ringing over the line. It took three rings before she heard Jane answer. "Lisbon, are you okay?" His voice was soft with sleep but obviously seeing her name at this hour meant something was wrong.

"Jane, I…I'm sorry," she choked out feeling pathetic even as she begged. "Could you…I…need you to come over…I…I—"

"I'll be right there," Jane said immediately before hanging up.

Lisbon's hand fell as if the phone was too heavy for her to hold. She felt guilty that she was so pitiful that Jane had to come over now…but her need to see him far outweighed any of those feelings.

Less than twenty minutes after the phone call she heard a knock on her door. She immediately rushed over and unlocked it before flinging the door open to let him inside. Before he could say anything she grabbed his hand and pulled him into her home, she shut the door quickly and frantically locked it behind him.

"Hey," Jane said putting his hands on her shoulders and whirling her around to face him. "What's wrong?"

Her eyes were wide as she looked up at him. Her lips parted but no words came out, instead a small choking sound escaped, something between a sob and cry. Then Jane pulled her into his arm and she buried her face into his shirt. He hadn't even put on a jacket or a vest, just thrown on some clothes to come and see her. "I'm sorry," she told him as she cried.

"Shhhh," he whispered into her hair, "don't apologize."

"Even if I woke you up at three in the morning?"

She felt his smile on the top of her head. "I don't sleep remember."

"Lucky you."

He pulled back a little so he could look her in the eye. "You had a nightmare didn't you?"

Lisbon nodded numbly. "I know that's not a good reason to call you," the disapproving look he gave her said he disagreed. "But it was really awful and I just…I mean look at me I'm still shaking."

Jane did look her up and down. "That might be because you're freezing."

She looked up at him and blinked. "What?"

"Lisbon, you're soaking wet." She looked down now and realized that he was right. She was still wearing the wet clothes, her shirt sticking to her like a second skin. Her hair was still damp and a small puddle of water marked the place she'd been standing while waiting for Jane. Her skin was covered in goosebumps and she was shaking, only now did she feel the chill. Jane steered her towards her stairs. "Go change your clothes, I'll make you something to warm you up."

She nodded; still a little dazed but stopped to give him a very small smile. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For coming."

He smiled and squeezed her hand in his, "Anytime."

Lisbon pulled away from him, more than a little reluctant to leave him and the security of his presence. But she walked upstairs so she could change out of her cold wet bedclothes. She found another pair of sleep pants and a long shirt; she also threw on some warm fuzzy socks. Lisbon decided to grab her bathrobe as well, an extra layer that would cover her body, as if another barrier would keep her from being violated.

When she did make it back downstairs she was greeted by the sound of the teakettle whistling. Jane poured them both cups of tea before ushering her over to her sofa. For a minute she just sat there with her hands curled around the cup, letting the warmth of the drink seep into her body. "I'm sorry I called you so late."

"I'm not," Jane told her honestly. They both were quiet for a bit until Jane gently hooked her fingers with his. "You can tell me about it."

She stared into her mug for a moment before finally meeting his eyes again. "It was a nightmare."

"Yes," Jane said simply, "but something was different this time."

She took a deep breath before finally spilling the gory details. How she'd been at the office only to be chased and then thrown into the alley. How she'd been beaten once more only to wake up as soon as the actual violation began. "It was Ryckart," she finished, "He was the one who attacked me in the office and then raped me in the alley, it was him." She looked down to see her grip on the cup was so tight her fingers were actually getting stiff. "I…I saw him that night," she confessed, "when I first arrived. He told me that I 'actually looked like a woman' so I told him he '_almost_ looked like a man'. And then in my dream he said he was going to prove that he was."

Lisbon looked up at Jane, her face etched with fear. "Do you think that my dream is telling me something? Maybe it was him, maybe I saw him and I've just been blocking it out."  
>"No," Jane told her immediately, his finger tips gently caressing her hand, her wrist, her arm and then back again, in a gentle soothing motion. "You never saw him."<p>

"But I dreamed…"

"You couldn't remember his face even under hypnosis," he reminded her, "you never saw him. This was just your subconscious filling in the blanks."

She wasn't sure if she was relieved or not by that statement. "So you don't think he did it?"

"I didn't say that," Jane replied, "he fits the bill and he had motive and opportunity, but I can't say for sure yet." He looked over to see that she was staring down at her lap; he reached over and tilted her chin so she could look at him again. "You know that this wasn't your fault."

Lisbon nodded but her voice wasn't so sure. "I insulted him."

"That doesn't mean anything," Jane told her, "do you really think you deserved to be hurt like that because of some ridiculous words?"

She looked into his eyes for a long time, then reached up to take his hand away from her face and hold it in hers. "No," she said honestly, "no, no one deserves that." Lisbon moved in closer to him so now their shoulders were touching, their fingers still laced together. "I still feel bad that I woke you up because of a nightmare."

"You shouldn't," he said, releasing her hand so that he could put his arm around her shoulder, bringing her even closer to him. "I know how much they hurt you, how you are afraid to fall asleep. I've had those kinds of nights too."

She reached over to grab his other hand, now she was all but reclining against his solid frame. "About your family."

He nodded numbly but he surprised her by saying something else. "And you."

Lisbon turned her head to look up into his eyes. "Me?"

His lips twitched in a small sad smile. "I used to dream that Red John would hurt you, that he would punish me by taking away the most important person in my life." A shadow fell over Jane's features as he continued. "And recently…I have dreams about finding you in that alley, hurt by someone else entirely."

Now Lisbon reached up, placing one palm against his cheek. "You should have told me this sooner."

Jane shook his head. "You didn't need to know."

"I need to know how this is affecting you."

"No, you need to focus on getting stronger, you don't need to worry about me. I want to help you, to comfort _you_."

Lisbon smiled sweetly at him. "What if we comfort each other?"

Jane looked into her eyes and smiled softly, a true tender smile, before giving her a small nod. She smiled back at him before tucking herself up against him, letting her head rest on his chest. She loved moments like this, when she was warm and content and felt almost whole again. "Do you really think I'm getting stronger?"

Jane had let her head rest under his chin but she felt his nod. "You just have to keep doing whatever it is you need in order to feel safe."

She squeezed his hand. "You make me feel safe."

This time she heard his grin in his voice. "That's poor judgment on your part, we both know that you'd have to be the one to protect _me_."

Lisbon giggled but lightly smacked his hand. "Shut up," she told him before snuggling up against his chest again. "Can we just stay like this for a moment?"

She could have sworn he pressed a very soft kiss on the top of her head before he whispered softly. "Of course."

For a long while they did stay that way with her wrapped in his arms, her head resting on his chest so she could hear his heartbeat. Until she closed her eyes and slowly drifted away to a gentle peaceful sleep. It didn't take long for Jane to do the same. And so they stayed that way, asleep on the couch.

Together.

* * *

><p>Rigsby was the one who had to stay at the CBI now but the investigation was continuing, this time Van Pelt was the one who accompanied Cho to interview Officer Samuel Greene and this time Jane tagged along. It hadn't been without some reluctance, he had been torn between actively looking into Ryckart or staying and keeping an eye on Lisbon.<p>

He was worried about her, that wasn't an unusual thing except recently he'd been able to relax a bit more when he saw that she was still firmly set on moving past the tragedy. But the past couple of days he'd seen her slowly slipping back, he'd hoped she was keeping a handle on it until she'd called him and he'd found her soaking wet and nearly hysterical. Jane wanted this investigation to be over, he wanted to find the bastard that brought Lisbon to this state and let him feel her pain…but he was also cursing the terrible timing of this.

Officer Greene was taking his lunch break at one of the nearby taco stands that many officers frequented; admittedly Jane was tempted to sample the venue. But Cho was much more keen on getting answers and Van Pelt was going to go along with the temporary lead agent. The officer caught sight of the trio and Jane saw him blanch a little, now that was an interesting reaction. He no doubt knew that that Ryckart was being looked into but his fear meant that he actually did have something to hide.

He began to feel that rush of adrenaline that he always felt when he began to actually think he might actually be close to a breakthrough.

"Officer Greene," Cho greeted him simply, "We're with the CBI."

"I know who you are," Greene said, eyeing them warily, "everyone at SACPD knows you are going after Dave."

"Then this should be easy," Jane pointed out.

Greene didn't seem to agree with that assessment; neither did Cho for that matter. But the lead agent didn't show it; instead he narrowed his eyes at the officer with a look of great determination. "Why were you the first officer on the scene?"

He opened his mouth and then closed it like a hapless goldfish swimming in a bowl. Jane knew that breaking him would be relatively easy, once a little bit of pressure was applied. But first he was going to do anything to keep his friend safe. "Ms. Shettrick found me first," He explained, "I responded to her and found him," he pointed to Jane, "holding the victim and an ambulance was already in route."

"We know what you did at the scene," Van Pelt piped in, "what we want to know is where was Officer Ryckart?"

Greene's eyes widened and he paled just a little. "He…he was on patrol."

"With an ambulance out front you think he would have heard the commotion and come to see what was happening," Jane pointed out.

"I…I don't know why he didn't."

"Did you radio him?" Cho asked.

"Of course."

"Did he respond?"

"Yes." That was a lie, a bad one too.

Jane wasn't in the mood to play the fool, he wanted to cut through the bullshit and get to the truth. "Liar."

Greene looked surprised and mildly offended. "Excuse me."

"Oh, I called you a liar." Jane replied smoothly, as if the man really had misheard him, "because that is what you are. Ryckart didn't respond because he never showed up at the scene."

"Yes he did," Greene insisted, "he must have…"

"Must have?" Cho stepped in, "Did you see him or not?"

The officer was quiet for a very long time as he stared down at the half eaten taco in his hands as if it were covered in mold. Jane knew the man thought he was caught between a rock and a hard place, ratting out a fellow officer and doing what was most assuredly the right thing. It shouldn't be a difficult decision but not everything was as it seemed on paper, that much he knew well.

Finally Greene looked up and shook his head. "He wasn't at the scene."

They already knew that much but now they had a clear record and someone willing to talk. Jane studied the man for a long moment before stating definitively, "But you did see him again that night."

Greene nodded his head numbly. "He showed up later, after the ambulance had left and we were still securing the scene. I told him what happened."

"What did he do?" Cho asked.

"Not much," Greene admitted, "he was upset because he knew that it would look bad on him, told me not to say anything and he took over securing the area."

"Did you ask where he was?" Grace asked.

"No." Jane wasn't surprised; he knew that cops often had the same comradeship as military members, always looking out for their 'family'.

But Jane also knew when someone was holding something back. "You noticed something, something unusual that you've been carrying around with you." Jane gave him a stern look, "You need to tell us now or things will only get worse."

Greene looked like a guilty kid who'd been caught spray-painting the cafeteria wall. He released a heavy breath before finally letting everything else out. "When Dave showed up he was wearing different clothes and I noticed…he looked like someone had hit him. His eye was swelling and there were cuts on his hands, like he'd been in a fight." He looked away now, "Dave couldn't have done something like that, I know how he feels about Agent Lisbon but he…he couldn't have done that…could he?"

That was a good question. One that desperately needed to be answered.

* * *

><p>Grace knew that Ryckart was being brought in for questioning and that Cho insisted he would do it himself; she wasn't surprised that Jane had invited himself into the room as well. The truth was they needed him there to know for sure that Ryckart was the man they had been searching for.<p>

Rigsby was planning to watch the interrogation from behind the glass. He'd gotten really excited when they had returned with Greene's testimony. "It's him!" He'd declared, "it has to be him!" Grace was inclined to agree with him, everything fit neatly into place.

But she'd been watching Lisbon when they had returned. She hadn't looked happy that the evidence was piling up, instead she looked…to be honest Grace wasn't entirely sure what her boss was feeling but she knew it wasn't good. She'd caught Jane's eyes and knew he'd caught Lisbon's odd behavior, she knew that Jane would want to deal with this himself. For weeks everyone had quietly agreed that Lisbon was Jane's responsibility now because he was the one she trusted, but right now he needed to solve her case.

So Grace decided to do something that she should have done months ago, she decided that it was time for her to step up.

Lisbon's office door was closed and the blinds were drawn up. Grace quietly knocked on the door but there was no answer, the knob turned easily and she stepped inside. Lisbon was sitting on the big white couch, a throw blanket was wrapped tightly around her. She looked like someone who was ill, but Grace knew that it wasn't any kind of physical disease that was tormenting her at the moment.

For a minute Grace could only sit there stunned but Lisbon was too busy looking down at the floor to even acknowledge her. "Cho is bringing Ryckart into interrogation now," Grace told her. "Did you want to watch?"

Lisbon slowly shook her head but still didn't meet her eyes.

Grace opened her mouth to speak and thought better of it. She considered simply walking away like she had done many times before. She wasn't equipped to handle this, she didn't know how to be the strong on in this situation. She honestly had know idea how Jane was able to do it, especially when she'd always considered him to be the screwed up one among all of them.

But somehow Jane had done it. He'd put aside everything he was going through, even his quest for revenge, all so he could keep Lisbon from being completely consumed by what had happened. For that alone Jane was the strongest man Grace knew because he knew how to be there for Lisbon when she needed him. Grace desperately wanted to do the same.

"Do you…?" Grace faltered and tried again, "Do you want to be alone?"

Lisbon was still as she pondered that question, then she shook her head again just like before. Still not looking at Grace.

"What do you want?" Grace asked her gently, "just tell me what you want me to do."

Finally Lisbon looked up and met Grace's eyes. She saw worlds of pain swimming in her green gaze, so much so that it was crippling her. "Stay here with me," Lisbon said, her voice was brittle like dried leaves. "Sit here next to me…but don't touch me."

Grace nodded her head. "Okay."

So she walked quietly over and sat down on the far end of the couch so that she wouldn't be too close to her friend, but she was close enough for Lisbon to feel like she wasn't alone.

It would be enough for now.

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It might be him.

Jane knew that while watching this man sitting across from him in the interrogation room. Ryckart checked every box, he knew Lisbon, had a turbulent history with her and judging by his whole demeanor, he could see where the man could do this crime.

The man carried himself with an arrogance that didn't come conceit but rather from an extreme confidence. The man took pride in his work, which came from a familial tie; Jane figured that Ryckart's father was an officer because he'd loved having that authority and power. He probably came home every evening with dinner on the table and piping hot because he wielded that same power on his wife. Physical abuse was a certainty and Jane knew some of that abuse had been inflicted on his son as well. Over time Ryckart had grown up to be the very image of his father.

He didn't respect women but demanded respect from them. Lisbon was exactly the sort of woman that Ryckart despised. She was strong and of a higher authority than he, something that he would not stand for. She wasn't easily cowed and when threatened she pushed back. More than that she had besmirched his impeccable record, which was a mortal sin in his opinion. He would want to prove he had power over her; that he truly was the one in charge that she was no different than any other "weak" woman that should bend to his will.

Jane could easily see that Ryckart could have done this. The only real question was, did he?

"I know my rights," Ryckart said immediately.

"Good, this should be easy then," Jane replied smoothly.

The cop glared at Jane; no he wouldn't like a man who he considered to be nothing more than a clown playing with the real men. Jane found the characterization ridiculous but this man was a chauvinistic fool, he didn't really care what the man thought of him.

Cho simply looked at the man coldly. "We need to talk to you again about the night of the fundraiser."

"I already told you everything."

"Then tell us again."

"Yes," Jane agreed, "And this time, try to keep from lying."

He narrowed his eyes with real hatred. "I never lied."

Jane simply smiled, mostly to irritate the man further. "Now, you see, you just did."

Ryckart closed his mouth and shot daggers at Jane with his eyes. Cho ignored the small battle going on in front of him but got right down to the matter at hand. "Where were you when Lisbon was attacked?"

"I was on patrol," Ryckart said through clenched teeth, "I didn't see or hear anything."

"You were on patrol outside of the plaza," Cho stated and flipped through his notes, "on the right side of the building at the front."

"That is correct."

Cho set the papers down and leveled his gaze with him. "Then why didn't you hear Ms. Shettrick call for security? Or come when your men radioed you about the attack? Or when the ambulance came?"

"I did."

"No you didn't," Jane stated, "I didn't see you, Cho didn't see you. You aren't on any of the cameras at the front." He leaned forward in his seat with a smile. "Do you want to know what we did see? We saw you walking away at 11:16...now why would you do that?"

Ryckart didn't say a word. His eyes and face showed no emotion as he simply stared ahead. He was like the trapped animal, silently waiting for the opportunity to strike back.

But Jane was the one who struck first. "You don't like Lisbon much do you?"

Ryckart flicked his eyes back to him. "No."

Jane simply nodded as if he agreed with him. He didn't, not in the least, but that didn't matter. "She's always pushing isn't she? Trying push her way on top, you simply want to do your job like your father taught you. Am I right?"

His eyes were still focused on Jane with suspicion. But Jane ignored the man's looks, he continued with his little game. "Your father, now he knew how to get respect. Your mother was afraid of him, as she should have been right? He was the man of the house, the alpha, the one in charge. Someone like you shouldn't be expected to do women's work…so why is it then that women keep trying to do a man's job?"

At this point Ryckart gave a very small nod to his head. "Exactly."

Jane smiled just a bit, just enough to put the man a little more at ease. "Lisbon wasn't like your wife. She didn't accept that fact, she didn't respect you. She tried to make you look like the weak one when she reported you."

"She didn't understand," Ryckart agreed.

"She needed to learn her place."

"Yes, she did."

"She needed to be taught a lesson. Which is what you did," Jane finished for him. "She was alone and you saw your opportunity, your chance to show her who the real man was."

Now Ryckart looked surprised…and suspicious once more. "What are you saying?" he asked accusingly.

"He's saying that you raped her," Cho replied.

"I did not!"

Jane was looking at him calmly. "You fantasized about it, you wanted to make her submissive and weak. When you saw the press conference… you loved it. Loved seeing her put in her place."

Ryckart stared straight ahead and was quiet for a very long time. "I didn't rape her," he stated firmly.

"Then tell us the truth," Cho said.

Now Ryckart glared at the other agent. "The truth? The truth is that Agent Lisbon is nothing more than a worthless whore who has no respect for anyone and she deserved everything she got."

Jane could understand why Rigsby punched the man; he'd very much like to do so as well.

"But _I_ didn't do it," Ryckart finished while Jane kept his anger under control.

He kept his eyes on the officer, looking and searching for any tell. But there was nothing, no sign that he was lying. No flicker of the eyes, no increase in heart rate or a twitch of the skin. Nothing. Either he was just that good or…

Or he was telling the truth.

There was one way to find out. "Lift up your sleeve on your left arm," Jane instructed.

Ryckart narrowed his eyes. "Why?"

"Because I said so."

He glared at Jane and flicked his eyes to Cho. Cho simply nodded his head. "Do it."

The officer glowered darkly and stayed still for a moment. Then he finally reached over and drew up the sleeve of his left arm up past his shoulder to reveal nothing more than a slight farmer's tan and otherwise unblemished skin.

Jane felt the excitement leave his body like air rushing out of a deflating balloon. All that was left was sadness…and frustration.

"Do you want to see the other one?" Ryckart asked harshly.

"No," Jane replied, "That won't be necessary." There was still one matter that needed to be resolved, even if Ryckart was innocent of the actual crime itself. "Where were you when Lisbon was attacked." Ryckart opened his mouth but Jane cut him off, "I don't know where you were but it wasn't at the plaza, we know that much."

"Tell us," Cho stated simply, "or we'll have to charge you with sexual assault."

Ryckart snapped his head up. "You don't have any proof."

"Not yet, but being charged will end your career," Jane pointed out, "the career that you love so much."

The man looked incensed but he was also a trapped dog. He had no other way to turn except to press forward and tell the truth, whatever it was. "Shall I guess?" Jane asked, "I'm going to be this was a family matter…something to do with your wife."

Ryckart lowered his head and spoke in a low even voice. "The bitch was screwing around on me."

Jane nodded. "And you knew that she would see him when you were at the fundraiser, so you decided to surprise them."

He looked up at them with bright angry eyes. "She was disrespecting me, I couldn't let that happen."

"No, I suppose you couldn't," Jane replied dryly.

"Do you have any proof?" Cho asked.

Ryckart leaned back in his seat, now with a look of pride. "The bastard she was giving it too was nothing more than a joke. It was nothing to put him in his place, he crawled out the window after I gave him a good lesson. I'm sure he went to the hospital."

"Do you have his name?"

"My wife kept screaming, 'Jerry', maybe you should try that," Ryckart sneared. Then he gave Jane a look of pure smugness. "My bitch of a wife sure got what was coming." Jane knew for sure that it hadn't been anything good.

Ryckart glared back at Cho. "There, you have your answer. Now you have to let me go."

Cho didn't blink for a full minute before simply inclining his head towards the door. Ryckart stood up to leave but was stopped by Cho's voice. "You left your assigned duty to see to a personal matter," Cho reminded him icily, "and because of that an agent was raped on your watch." Now Cho was the one who gave him a slightly smug look, "I will be telling your captain about this, don't expect to hold on to your badge for much longer."

Ryckart looked like he wanted to punch Cho for a long moment but Cho stood up showing that his hand was on his side arm. Jane had no doubt that he would gladly use it. Ryckart knew that too, which is why he finally turned around and left.

Jane knew Cho would keep his promise and Ryckart would certainly lose his badge for his actions. He might have abandoned his post and been a contributing factor but one other thing was certain.

He hadn't raped her.

* * *

><p>"Jerry Windham was admitted into Saint Angela's Hospital at one o'clock the night of the attack," Cho said to the group, "He said he'd been in a fight. I called him and he confirmed that he was having an affair with Ryckart's wife and that it was him who he fought. Ryckart wasn't at the ball during the attack."<p>

He looked over at Lisbon. "I'm sorry, boss."

Lisbon barely heard a word he said. She was sitting in a chair, one knee dancing around in a nervous tick. She gnawed on one ragged thumb nail, the others on her hands already chewed down to the quick. It wasn't Ryckart. Jane had been right, it had only been a dream that had manifested from her own fears.

She'd really thought this might have all been over.

Rigsby kicked at the wastebasket next to his desk. "Bastard. If he'd been there then he could have stopped it."

If she'd been smarter, faster, stronger then she could have stopped it too.

No. She couldn't think like that again. That was dangerous.

Lisbon kept chewing on her nails and tapping her foot. Her mind was racing, replaying that night again over and over. She kept remembering when Jane had hypnotized her and her session with Nancy. She'd said she'd regressed back to her childhood, to when her father had abused her. But her father hadn't been there. The hypnosis hadn't shown her thinking like that. Maybe the doctor was wrong. Maybe this really was her fault.

"Is there anything else we can do?" Grace asked.

Jane shook his head. "It's more than enough. His job means everything to him, losing it will cut him far deeper than anything else."

"I'd still like to punch the guy again," Rigsby muttered.

Yes, punch him like Lisbon should have done to her rapist.

No.

No, no, no, no, no. She had to stop thinking like that. But it was impossible to think of anything else. So far they'd proven two men had had enough reason to rape her, enough hatred to want to destroy her, how many more men were out there? Who else had she pushed to the brink to where they could want to dominate her so completely?

Lisbon actually jumped when she felt the hand touch her shoulder, but she recognized the touch. Jane. The gentle squeeze of his fingers sank into her bones, chasing down her body until her knee finally stopped jerking. She folded her hands in her lap and tried not to fidget anymore.

"Don't worry, boss," Cho said, "We're not going to give up. We're going to keep looking until we find him."

Find him.

Lisbon would finally have a face to haunt her nightmares. That idea was suddenly more terrifying than anything else. She would know who she'd hurt, who'd despised her so much that he wanted to prove himself a man. She'd know who touched her, who replayed his greatest triumph over and over again every night while she did the same thing.

She snapped her head up and shook her head. "No."

"What?" Rigsby asked.

"No, you won't," she said, "You won't keep looking for him."

"But…Lisbon…"

"I…I can't do this anymore. I can't keep hoping and fearing that you guys have found him at last," she explained, "These past few days, they've been torture for me. I can't do it, I just can't."

Grace looked horror struck. Rigsby blinked at her back in confusion. Cho was still a mask of no emotion, but she knew he couldn't be happy. Lisbon didn't dare look to see what Jane felt.

"Boss," Cho said calmly in an even tone, "It's okay. We'll keep the investigation to ourselves, we'll only call you in when we've got a solid lead.

Lisbon shook her head at him. "No, you guys can't keep doing this to yourselves. You've got nothing to prove."

"That's not true," Rigsby said quietly.

Lisbon met his eye and said, "No, you don't. I hate seeing you guys like this and I…I'm just not strong enough right now."

"Then we'll wait," Cho said.

"No it's better this way," she said, "I just want to put this all behind me. I don't need to know who it was. It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things anyways."

"That's not true," Grace said.

Lisbon shut her eyes for a moment, willing herself to be strong like she used to be. "Even if you did find him, there's no guarantee he'd be convicted. The evidence might not be there or the jury could not believe that a cop could be raped."

"Boss—."

Lisbon shook her head again, "I can live with the nightmares of a faceless man hurting, but to know who he is and know he's out there…It's too much. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it has to be."

She left her chair in a flash, fleeing from the room to the quiet sanctuary of her office. She knew she was letting them down. She knew they desperately wanted to find this man. A tiny part of her still did as well, but the logical part was more dominant now. If this continued…she would go back to what she was and next time Jane might not be there to pry the gun from her hands.

Still, Lisbon couldn't stop the tears from falling.

She didn't hear the door open, but this time she wasn't startled when two hands gently took her shoulders from behind and turned her around. For the thousandth time these past few months, Lisbon cried in Jane's arms. He didn't say anything, just let her wet his suit with her tears.

"I'm sorry," she finally sniffled out.

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I know you want to find him," she said, "I know you want put him away. I know you want to do that for me, but I just can't. I can't."

Jane nodded and reached up to wipe her wet cheeks with the back of his hand. "It's okay, Lisbon.

"You're disappointed in me."

"Never," he said.

"But, Jane…"

"Lisbon, I've told you before that you need to focus on yourself in order to get better, if this is what you need then we'll do it." He took her chin between his thumb and forefinger, tilting her head up so their eyes met. "We'll stop."

Lisbon nodded and then pressed her face back into her chest. Jane petted her hair with one hand while the other rubbed soothing circles at her back. Having him this close, feeling his touch, she felt safe. Not strong, but safe.

It was better than nothing.

* * *

><p>Jane followed Lisbon home after she left the CBI early. She wasn't in the mood for talk, she looked completely drained. He convinced her to take her pills and go to bed early. She did what he asked, but before she went to bed she told him he didn't have to spend the night again. He didn't want to obey her, but she had that stubborn set in her face. It was just a whisper of the old Lisbon, but it told him she wanted to reclaim her independence. So he did as she asked, but with strict instructions to call him if she needed him for anything.<p>

He stayed in the parking lot until the light in her bedroom went out. Then he sent a text to everyone else on the team, telling them to meet him at O'Malley's right away.

It was nearly ten o'clock, but it was a weeknight so the bar was pretty sparse. Jane arrived later than the others since the bar was closer to the CBI. He knew they hadn't left yet. They found a quiet corner booth, away from the rest of the customers.

"Good, you're all here," he said as he slid into the booth.

They all shot him blank stares of disbelief. Jane knew they were thinking he was crazy for acting like nothing was wrong when everything seemed to have fallen apart today, but he knew better. "Don't look so defeated," he told them, "Ryckart wasn't our man, that just means we've narrowed our list a little bit more. We're one step closer to catching him."

"No we're not," Rigsby said, "Lisbon told us to stop."

"I know."

"So that's it."

Jane shook his head at him. "We're not stopping."

Grace blinked at him. "But Lisbon said—."

"I know what she said and I know she'll regret it eventually," Jane explained, "She's fragile right now so she needs to focus on herself. It was foolish to pull her into this case at this time, especially when she's only just starting to get stronger. If she needs us to stop investigating then we'll let her think we have."

"So what are we going to do?" Cho asked.

"This." He pointed to the table with one finger. "We meet here as often as we can. We take the files home, we comb over evidence in private. We go underground and keep working until we catch this guy."

Rigsby frowned at him, a look of surprise and confusion. "Jane, I thought Lisbon's recovery was more important to you."

"It is."

"Then why do you want to do this."

Jane sucked in a breath, unable to stop his own pain from filling out the blanks in his face. "Because it didn't just happen to her. He hurt us. He broke us. She may think she doesn't need to know, but _we_ do. _We_ need to know who he is. _We_ need to stop him."

Cho nodded, his dark eyes filled with approval. "He's right. That bastard can't just go free. We catch him. We end this for Lisbon."

Grace had fallen into silence during most of the conversation, staring idly at the ice at the bottom of her glass. Jane knew what she was going to say just based off of the pensive look in her eyes. "What if she's right, though? What if we find out who he is but the evidence isn't there or the jury doesn't convict him? What if we know, beyond any doubt, who he is but he still gets off?"

Her question hung in the air for a second as they all digested that possible but completely unacceptable scenario. It was Cho who broke that painful silence.

"Then he get's a bullet in his head."

The silence was an unspoken agreement.

* * *

><p>AN: Uh oh looks like the team is willing to cross that very dangerous line now, but will they actually do it? You'll have to wait and see!

Meanwhile all you guys can cross Ryckart off the list, he did NOT rape Lisbon. So who does that leave? Who do you think raped her? Let us hear your theories but we can promise you that we won't tell you who it is yet hehehe.

Next chapter Lisbon continues to heal and along the way she begins to recognize that things are changing between her and Jane, she comes to a realization about something very important that could change everything.


	14. Didn't Count On This

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: I know I know, this was a long time for an update but we went on a week long vacation to Disney World last week and to make up for it we had to work extra shifts the last couple of weeks before that so time really wasn't on our side. But to make up for it, this nice long chapter will have quite a bit of fluff in it. Be prepared Jisbon fans hehehe.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Yep, this is one of our brightest chapters and it holds two of my favorite scenes, both of them chock full of Jisbon. You may need to go to Fluff Rehab after those scenes, LOL. I hope you all like this chap.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Guest**: Okay, well we'll poke you back because here it is!

**German Girl:** Sorry that you didn't like chapter 12 as much but it really has been a long time coming. Chapter 13 was a big one as Lisbon's decision will continue to reverberate throughout the fic and the final scene at O'Malley's is DEFINITELY going to come back when the team learns who really did rape Lisbon. We can't tell you who the rapist is but we will say this, he is NOT Red John. Jane already pointed out that Red John wouldn't have done this and he is right. This isn't a fic about Red John so you don't have to worry, not ties here to Jane's white whale.

**PJAC18**: The team is loyal to Lisbon, they would gladly kill the man who did this. Jasper is a popular subject and nice catch on his "navy seal trainer" because you are right, it does mean he has the ability to trap Lisbon.

**Guest**: That is the way with long chapters. It takes a while to read but it takes a while to write too. The good thing about long chapters is that it doesn't feel stilted or cut off, there are pros and cons to every reason that we choose to write.

**Guest**: Well Jasper is a popular suspect, he could do it, he has means and motive...but is he really the rapist? Good question, you'll find out later. It's not Ryckart though, that has already been proven. Awww thanks, I want to hug Lisbon too

**Sharpest Satire:** We hope that "Whoa" is a good "whoa" as in "whoa that was awesome" LOL

**Guest**: sorry for you sanity, we know this took a while but here it is!

**Nat**: That was our favorite part of the chapter, Cho's matter-of-fact response to Grace's question. It's something we thought he would do. Long chapters means long waits for updates, it's just sort of how it goes.

* * *

><p>Chapter 14: Didn't Count On This<p>

The old adage _time heals all wounds_ had always sounded ridiculous to Lisbon, she knew that it took a lot more than time to get some people over their problems. She could easily think of an example, enough time had certainly passed for Jane to get over the deaths of his family but he still had an attic hide away and demons haunting him. But Lisbon was beginning to rethink her old thoughts on the phrase; maybe time was simply a part of it. It was true that now that she was finally pushing past her rape, she was starting feel stronger.

The problem was that it was taking time, too much time. It was over a month since she told the team to stop working her case; to her surprise they took it a lot better than she thought. She assumed that for days she would be plagued with sad looks and "Are you sure this is what you want?" questions but none of that, instead they seemed to accept the decision and moved on with her.

But was she really moving on?

It felt like she was stuck in neutral. She was doing her job but it wasn't with the same zest as before. She still didn't hang out with her team on down times, she just didn't feel comfortable yet and the times she tried simply ended in disaster. Not a day went by that she didn't think about what had happened to her, which only led to her thinking about how she wasn't back to where she wanted to be.

"Stop trying so hard," Jane told her on more than one occasion, usually while they shared another dinner together. "And stop worrying about it, it'll all fall back into place soon enough."

That was easy for him to say, not so easy for her to replicate. How was she supposed to stop trying to act normal when it was impossible for her to forget that she'd been raped? That was an answer she couldn't find to a question she was simply too afraid to ask. So Lisbon simply continued to work and hoped that the phrase was true and all she would need was more time.

That was her mantra while working the Donnelly case, even when she received no less than three phone calls complaining about Jane. When the fourth one occurred she gave up trying to be calm and decided to confront the problem herself.

Everyone knew the signs of a pissed off Lisbon. The long angry strides, the determined frown and the piercing green eyes, all of that usually was enough to make even someone as big as Rigsby to become very afraid. But Jane was never like any man.

He was resting on his couch, a book in his hand and while he heard her footsteps he didn't even glance up. "Who was it this time? Frederick Grayson or his wife?"

"Neither," Lisbon informed him icily, "It was his attorney informing me that if you don't stop harassing him that they will sue not just you but me and the CBI just for the hell of it."

Jane wasn't fazed at all by the threat, he did close his book but he didn't look up at her yet. "It's interesting that he reacts so strongly."

"Yeah, funny how people do that when you let people think that they are dead."

"He should be grateful," Jane offered up, "he found out how much his wife truly loves him."

"She was hysterical, you let her think she was a widow!"

"Yes and she will be extremely happy to know that he is in fact alive," Jane pointed out, "in fact, he'll probably thank me. Grateful women like to show their appreciation." From the suggestive lilt in his voice, Lisbon knew exactly what he was talking about. Rigsby let out a little chortle and tried to cover it up with a cough, so he knew as well.

She gaped at him. "You did not just say that."

"Yes I did, but you can pretend otherwise if you would like."

Lisbon let out a frustrated groan and rubbed her temples with her fingertips. After a few moments she opened her eyes and fixed a stern glare on him. "You are going to call Grayson and his wife and apologize, profusely."

"Nope, sorry, can't. I'm solving a murder."

"Oh really?" Lisbon asked, making it clear she doubted his intentions. "This is solving a murder?" she gestured to his current actions which were simply him sitting on the couch.

"Yes, I predict that within oh…twelve hours I'll have this case solved for you and the Graysons will be happy once more."

She raised an eyebrow. "You have a plan."

"Don't I always."

"Care to share it?"

"Not just yet."

Lisbon glared at him. "So that's it? I'm just supposed to deal with the phone calls from Grayson and let you do your _little thing_ without any clue of what you are up to?"

Jane considered it for a moment. "Well…yeah."

"Oh like I always do?"

"This is just how we do things," Jane reminded her, "you let me do my plan and you do yours."

"I don't want to be your _secretary!_" Jane's eyes flashed and she knew that dirty look very well. "No, don't smile, it's not supposed to be funny so get your mind out of the gutter right now."

But Jane was still smiling, a soft smile like he had just received some happy news. She just continued to fume. "Jackass," she muttered under her breath and she stalked off to get some coffee and to continue fielding Jane's complaints.

Her team watched her storm away with shocked expressions on her face with the exception of Jane who was still smiling at her retreating form.

That was the first time she'd actually had that fire in her eyes since the attack.

"She sounded….normal," Rigsby pointed out.

Jane nodded his head. "Yes she did."

"Did you do that on—?"

"Not even a little bit," Jane was happy to say.

Now the rest of the team began to smile, even Cho sported a grin. But it was Grace who stated the obvious. "She's back."

Jane leaned back against the couch with a look of real satisfaction. "Yes she is."

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A couple of hours later after Lisbon had two cups of coffee and some real progress on the case, Jane knew it was probably safe to walk into her office without having to dodge paper weights and staplers. He ducked his head in as if he really were afraid for his life. "Is it safe?"

Lisbon gave him an indifferent glance but kept her eyes on her computer. "That depends on what you plan to do."

"I did bring a peace offering," Jane told her, holding the small bag of doughnuts from _Marie's_ aloft.

That had her attention. Her eyes lit up at the sight of one of her favorite treats. "All right, come in."

Jane smiled and took a seat on her sofa. If she wanted the doughnuts then she was going to have to abandon her work to do so. Lisbon gave him an annoyed look before getting up from her desk and joining him on the big white sofa. He handed her the bag but kept one of the sweets for himself.

"You don't have to keep fattening me up," Lisbon reminded him as she bit into a doughnut, "I gained my weight back."

"This wasn't fattening you up, this was _buttering_ you up," Jane pointed out, "after that spectacular display in the bullpen I figured I owed you one."

"You deserved it."

"I always do," Jane replied. For a few moments they sat there idly chewing on the treats without saying a word. They didn't want to acknowledge what had happened earlier, almost as if they were afraid that the spell would be broken. But Jane knew that they had to talk about it at some point, especially since it was such a big step forward. "You sounded like yourself today."

"I felt like myself today," Lisbon said softly. "For hours I was so focused on being mad at you that I didn't even think about how hard it is to move on…or anything else." She paused and then turned suspicious eyes to Jane. "You did this on purpose didn't you?"

"I assure you that everything that happened came from _you_," Jane told her, "I simply did what was necessary to solve the case, you were the one who had a cow about it."

"I did _not _have a cow."

"You compared yourself to my secretary," Jane reminded her with a grin. "Not that I minded, it conjures up a lot of interesting images…"

"Shut up," she told him but she was grinning now. Lisbon sighed happily and leaned back against the sofa. "I guess you were right."

"I usually am."

That annoying look was back but that was the only acknowledgement of his statement. The smile stayed on her lips but softened just a bit. "When I was so focused on the case and you I stopped thinking about what happened to me, I stopped trying and it all just sort of fell back into place." She turned a hopeful look at him. "You think this means I'll be _me_ again?"

But Jane didn't smile back. Instead he sighed heavily and shook his head. "You'll never be that woman again, Lisbon. She didn't have the same weight that you carry now." He saw her frown and he took her hand in his. "But you are getting pieces of her back, this is a part of finally learning to live with it."

"Being broken sucks," she mumbled and he let out a chuckle. She sighed again and turned her head to meet his eyes. "So, I've yelled at you on the job, first time in months. What's next?"

"Well there's always petty physical altercations," Jane pointed out, "you haven't hit me or slapped me yet."

Lisbon reached up and flicked his temple with her thumb and forefinger. "There, that's done."

Jane simply grinned and squeezed her hand once more. Things really were getting better.

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"I am so glad that is over," Lisbon said with great relief as she and Rigsby exited the courthouse. The Donnelly case had been solved and just as Jane had predicted, within twelve hours. She wasn't going to give him credit for that though, not after all the crap he pulled this time.

Rigsby nodded his head. "I still don't know how Hunter manages to get charges filed every time, with everything Jane has done."

Lisbon grinned. "She knows which judges haven't gotten tired of Jane yet." And Lisbon knew when to keep her mouth shut and just let the evidence talked, most of the time the grand jury didn't care how a confession came to be as long as the evidence proved beyond a doubt who did it.

"What did the Graysons say to you before we left?"

She narrowed her eyes a little now. "They said that they were happy to know that his business partner was being charged and that due to his efforts, they weren't going to seek a lawsuit against Jane." Now Lisbon rolled her eyes. "And they are planning to go on a Mediterranean cruise as a second honeymoon to celebrate."

Rigsby grinned. "When will we ever learn to never bet against Jane?"

She shook her head. "I'll never stop because one day I will be right and he will be wrong and then I'll savor the moment."

"What if that day never comes?"

"It will," Lisbon said confidently, "I have faith."

They made their way down the steps towards the parking lot; they had shared a car over from the CBI and would be heading back now that their grand jury testimony was complete. "I'm hungry," Rigsby declared.

She snorted, "You're always hungry."

"We could run through a drive through."

"No," she told him firmly, "we need to get back. I don't like leaving Jane alone, it makes me nervous."

That made Rigsby smile at her again and she found herself smiling back. There wasn't a trace of worry in his eyes, not today. No, their little conversation had been downright normal. Who would have thought that she was capable of that anymore?

Maybe Jane really was right about this too, maybe she was really beginning to get better.

Of course not everything was gone. She still felt uncomfortable ninety-percent of the time, like when a man touched her. She still suffered with nightmares every night though it certainly helped to have Jane only a phone call away. There were also still stretches of time where she felt completely abnormal and still ran through the events in her mind wondering what she could have done differently.

Jane told her stop doing that and she was trying…but it was so much easier said then done.

Lisbon was so wrapped up in her thoughts she didn't really see where she was going anymore. But she was jerked back into reality when Rigsby grabbed her shoulder and forced her back just as a bike messenger zoomed past her.

She gaped wide-eyed as her heart raced but the cyclist never even glanced back. Rigsby released her immediately. "I'm so sorry, boss! I know I shouldn't have done that but I didn't want you to get hurt. It won't happen again."

What? He was apologizing for what?

For touching her.

Lisbon stared at his hand for a moment and then turned her eyes back at him. "Rigsby, touch me again."

The taller man gave her a weird look and she realized how that had sounded. "You know what I meant."

Rigsby looked at her, completely unsure over what was going on here. But after a moment's hesitation he gently reach out and put a hand on her shoulder.

Lisbon waited, she waited for the revulsion, and the fears to all come rushing back. Her skin was supposed to crawl and her stomach was supposed to turn, she was supposed to feel scared and panicked…but she didn't

She didn't feel anything at all.

"Nothing," she whispered and met Rigsby's eyes, "I'm okay." The other agent looked a little awestruck now and the truth was so was she. "I'm okay," she repeated and then smiled. "You can touch me and I…I'm okay."

He could touch her. She wasn't afraid anymore.

She'd never been the touchy-feely type but she hadn't spent months being afraid every time her team members put a hand on her shoulder either. That might explain why Rigsby was startled when she actually gave him a hug. "Whoa!"

"You can touch me again," Lisbon laughed, "you and Cho can touch me again and…and I'm okay."

After a moment Rigsby started to laugh a little too, and he hugged her back. A tight bear hug that she'd received from her brothers many times. After a couple of moments he released her with a sheepish grin. "You going to be okay?"

Lisbon was smiling broadly now. "Yeah…yeah I'm going to be okay."

Another broken piece was falling back into place.

* * *

><p>There was an ice cream parlor that Jane and Lisbon had frequented many times in the years since they'd first met. Jane had a sweet tooth he never felt the need to deny and Lisbon simply had a weakness for sundaes with extra hot fudge. Sometimes they split one, but today Jane had gotten his own vanilla cone so she just ordered a single scoop.<p>

She hadn't been in the mood to visit this place at all during her period of turmoil, but over the past month Jane had been insisting they come here. She hadn't understood why at first, but now she thought he was trying to remind her that not everything had changed. She could still find pleasure in a bowl with a cherry on top.

"You always get vanilla," she said as he licked at his cone. Hers was still being carefully prepped.

"Not always," he said.

"Unless we share a sundae, you always get plain vanilla," she insisted, "it's weird."

"I like vanilla."

"Everyone likes vanilla," she replied, "it's plain ice cream."

"Ah, but that's the thing, it's not plain. It is it's own flavor," he said, "People forget that vanilla is the very foundation of all ice cream. You couldn't have your sundae without vanilla, nor any other flavor out there without vanilla. And yet it is neglected or smothered in half a dozen toppings. I just give the flavor it's due amount of savoring."

She bit back a laugh, choosing instead to roll her eyes and grin. "What are you going to do, write a soliloquy to it?"

Jane smiled back at her. "Keats wrote an ode to a Grecian vase, why not give vanilla some poetry?"

"Because it's ice cream."

"Ice cream is therapeutic."

"I'm not sure Nancy would agree."

Jane smiled at her as she accepted her bowl of ice cream, covered in whipped cream, fudge, caramel and sprinkles. "You are much more relaxed now. I can tell you're beginning to open up to more people."

Lisbon nodded. "Rigsby told you that I don't mind if he touches me now."

"Yes, and while I admit, I enjoyed being the only one you trusted, I'm glad to see that you are truly on the mend."

"I think that was just proof of my insanity," she teased again as they took their seat at an open table. He chuckled at her quick response, but her good mood didn't last that long. "But…It's not all gone. At the courthouse, someone bumped into me and I still felt… you know."

Jane nodded. She thought he would be disappointed, but there wasn't a flicker of anything but warmth there. "Give it some time. You're beginning to trust other people now, that's all that matters. Just keep trying by doing things that you are comfortable with."

"Sometimes I think I have two therapists," Lisbon said as she spooned some ice cream into her mouth.

"Really?" Jane said.

"Yeah, it's like Nancy is the typical shrink that makes me talk about my feelings and stuff, and you are the wild one that insists on doing things as opposed to talking."

"Well there are many theories about therapy," Jane said, "but if it helps, nothing I do is ever methodically planned."

"I knew that the day I met you."

That earned her a smile over his vanilla cone. "And I knew you were trouble," he said coyly.

Lisbon glared at him without even a spark of actual heat. "Oh no, you don't get to claim that. You're the one who's trouble, Patrick Jane."

"It's still the truth," he said, "The minute we met, I knew you would be trouble for me." There was some sort of mischievous look in his eyes, like he was saying something but not saying it at all the same time. He did that a lot, but usually it didn't involve her.

She pondered over it, like she always did. She did her own internal investigation, but before she could decipher any meaning, Jane changed the subject. "How is your therapy going?"

"Good," she said.

"Really?" he sounded surprised.

"You thought otherwise?" Lisbon asked. Had she frightened him that much to the point where he still feared a relapse?

"Just that you would so casually admit it," he said, "I thought you'd grumble about it until you grudgingly admit that it's helping."

"Some days it's like that," she confessed over her sundae, "I don't always like to talk about stuff."

"Like what?"

Lisbon frowned at him. "I can't tell you."

"Sure you can. You're the patient, not the doctor. Doctor/Patient confidentiality doesn't apply to you."

"It's personal, Jane."

"Come on, Lisbon," he said, "I already know all of your dirty secrets, tell me your clean ones."

She had the back of her spoon pressed against the roof of her mouth as she savored the coolness of the ice cream and the sweet rush of chocolate on her tongue. She knew Jane wouldn't pry if she said no, but she also wanted to prove that she was trying. No, that she was succeeding. She knew she was getting better now. Why not share it?

"Mostly we've been talking about my family lately."

"Your father," Jane said.

Lisbon nodded. "She said the reason I stopped fighting was because I regressing back to when I was a kid, when my dad…you know."

"Yes," Jane said without a trace of humor, "And she's right."

"Yeah. The other day she wanted to know if I thought about my dad much now."

"Do you?" He sounded like Nancy in that moment.

"Sometimes."

Jane stared at her for a few moments. She knew he was reading her somehow but she had no idea what her tells were. "You're still angry with him."

Lisbon shrugged. "I guess."

"You haven't forgiven him."

She eyed him over her sundae. "Would you?"

Jane dropped his gaze for a moment and then slowly shook his head and whispered, "No." Then his blue eyes found her again. "But I'm not you."

He was right about that. Lisbon wasn't the type to carry grudges, this was the only exception. Sometimes she felt more sad than angry with her father for drinking too much, beating his kids and then ultimately eating a bullet, but usually she tried not to think about him at all.

"It's not easy to talk about," she said. Lisbon played with her ice cream now, swirling the whipped cream around until it was in one, fluffy clump. Suddenly she wasn't so thrilled by it anymore.

Jane noticed, as he always did. "So, do you ever talk about me?" he asked brightly over a lick of his ice cream. She knew he was trying to change the subject to put her at ease.

She smiled at him with gratitude and then rolled her eyes. "Well of course," she said dramatically, "After all, the entire universe revolves around you so naturally you are the primary subject."

"Glad to hear it," he said with a broad smile, "Though now I demand to know what you've told her."

Lisbon made a face at him. "I'm not telling you that."

"Why not?"

"It's private."

"Well apparently you talk about me to random people, so it's actually public," he quipped with a lick of his ice cream.

"Nancy's not random."

"Well I've never met her."

He wasn't saying it directly which is why Lisbon didn't catch it right away, but he wasn't really interested in what she'd told Nancy about him because of idle curiosity. He was angling to know just how much of his past had she shared. She wasn't upset. Jane trusted her, but he didn't really like to talk about his late family nor did he want them to become a note in a psychiatrist's notebook.

"I didn't tell her anything you wouldn't want me to," she said with a reassuring smile.

Jane grinned at her with good humor. "That still depends on what you told her."

"Just about how I've come to depend on you since the attack," she explained, "and why it's you that I trusted."

"Naturally, because I'm me," he said with a grin.

"No, that's the reason why I should shoot you."

"Oh that's not true," Jane said over her ice cream, "You don't want to shoot me. Think of your life without me."

"Sounds blissful."

"You mean boring," he said, "Admit it, I add some spice to your life."

"You do not."

"I do too," he insisted, "Before I came along, your life was as plain as—."

"Vanilla?" Lisbon said with sassy grin.

Jane smirked at her. "I was going to say as toast. After all, vanilla is anything but plain."

"You wouldn't mind being compared to vanilla?" Lisbon questioned as a wicked thought entered her mind.

"Not at all."

She watched as he took another swipe at his ice cream with his tongue. "Then you wouldn't mind wearing it." Before the last word was out, she reached over and smashed the cone into his face.

Since she was maneuvering over a table, she only managed to cover his nose in the ice cream, but it was still enough to make her giggle. Then those giggles became full out laughter and then down right shreiks of delight.

Jane blinked at her for a few moments, clearly a bit stunned by her move. Then he calmly grabbed a napkin from the dispenser on the table with one hand and wiped his nose clear of the vanilla ice cream. He still held his bruised cone in his other hand. Lisbon's laughter slowly faded when his face became clean with the occasional titter coming out involuntarily. But now, even though she was smiling, she watched him with cautious eyes.

This was not lost on him. "I suppose now you expect me to retaliate," he said lightly.

"The thought did cross my mind," she admitted.

"Well you needn't worry, Lisbon," he said, "I wouldn't dream of seeking revenge on you. You had your petty fun, I'll let you enjoy it."

"Okay," she said as another giggle came from her chest.

Jane nodded with a smile. "Then again, I'm also a great liar." Then he smashed his cone into her face.

He didn't just dab it onto her nose, he smeared the vanilla along her cheeks, up her forehead and crushed it at her mouth. The cone was now completely ruined so he tossed it onto the ground. Lisbon gaped at him with lips covered in vanilla. The ice cream slithered down her face in drops.

Jane was the one who was laughing now.

"That…you…I'm going to…"

"I know, I know, but you really shouldn't have trusted me," he said, stilling grinning. He gave her a wad of napkins so she could clean her face as best she could. She could still feel a fine coat of sticky residue on her face. Well if Jane was going to play an eye for eye, so would she. Tit for tat. Ice cream for ice cream.

Lisbon took her spoon, scooped up a glob of ice cream and held it up for him to see her weapon. He smiled at her. "You sure you want to do that?"

"You don't scare me." Then she flicked the mixture of whipped cream, ice cream and hot fudge at him. She missed his face, splattering his neck and the collar of his jacket instead.

"Oh this is war," Jane said. He didn't have a spoon, so he just grabbed a hunk of the cold substance with his fingers and smeared it at her. He only managed to get her cheek before she shoved him away with her arm.

War it was. It became an all out battle as they used what remained of her sundae to paint each other with dessert. Lisbon knew she would probably wind up paying for his dry cleaning, but seeing his suit streaked with chocolate was a sight worth seeing. Jane stopped his assault when he saw someone staring at them from across the way.

"The manager is watching us."

"Oh crap," Lisbon said. He was an older, balding man with what might have been a permanent scowl etched onto his face. Judging from that, he wasn't walking towards them to offer them a hand in cleaning up. "He's coming this way. What do we do?"

"Run," Jane said, grabbing her arm to tug her from her seat. Lisbon let out a shriek as they hit the sidewalk. A food fight and running from an angry manager were probably the most childish things she'd ever done in her life, but she didn't care. She felt more like herself and yet nothing like she used to be all at once. She was liberated.

They didn't stop until she reached her car, leaning up against it both to catch their breaths from running and from laughter. Lisbon was doubled over with her mirth, unable to look at Jane without completely falling apart. Finally she fell back against her car and let a long sigh of pleasure. "Oh God," she said with a shake of her head, "You look completely ridiculous."

Jane stood in front of her and nodded. "You don't look much better."

"I'm sure," she said and reached up to feel some hard, sticky strands of hair at the top of her head, "God, it's in my hair! I'm completely covered in ice cream."

"I bet you taste good."

Suddenly, all humor was gone. Jane had never said anything like that to her before. Lisbon looked at him, trying to decipher what such a thing might mean. He was looking back at her with an intense gaze, hot with something she couldn't identify. But she'd seen it before.

She often thought back to the ball, but never to what happened in the ballroom before the attack. Now that flashed back to her, dancing with Jane and feeling…she didn't know she'd felt. But she sure felt it now.

"I…uh…I should go home," she said, "clean up."

Jane nodded once. They wordlessly climbed into her car. They didn't talk about what had just happened, but Lisbon was thinking about. She'd bet her pension that Jane was thinking about it too.

* * *

><p>Lisbon was getting good at feeling like her normal self during the day. She could smile and laugh again, carrying a conversation was almost easy once more and now she didn't flinch if her trusted coworkers happened to touch her. She still had the occasional mishap when a stranger stepped too close but she wasn't running away in fear either, she couldn't even remember when her last flashback had been.<p>

Yes, as much as she was beginning to feel like herself during the sunlight, at night she felt like she would fall apart all over again.

It was the nightmares that haunted her. Every night she would close her eyes and be transported to hell all over again. The locations varied but the theme was the same, being tortured and violated by an unforgiving faceless specter. She always woke up crying, always had to resist the urge to wash his phantom essence off of her skin. Some nights she failed and still wound up crying under the shower spray. She didn't tell Jane about those nights but she had a feeling he knew anyways, at least the time between those nights was beginning to lengthen maybe that was something. But the nightmares still haunted her constantly.

She rolled over in her bed and stared up at the ceiling. Sleep wasn't easy to come by in any way, shape, or form. After a bit of prodding from her therapist she had begun to wean herself off of the sleeping pills so she could continue to try and recapture her old self. The pills had never stopped her from dreaming but at least they made her tired enough so she couldn't help but drift away. Without them she was pent up, knowing what would come and unwilling to let herself go so she could face it either.

It didn't help that she had a lot of things on her mind.

The ice-cream fight with Jane had only been the day before but it was still stuck in the back of her mind. She tried different ways to distract herself but much like her assault, she couldn't escape it. That moment in the parking lot just wouldn't leave her be.

_ "I bet you taste good."_

It was an innocent slip…with a not-so-innocent edge to it. It brought forth many sensual images that she hadn't had any desire to indulge in over the last few months. Sure in the past she'd engaged in a few fantasies about her consultant but that was before a man had beaten and raped her in an alley, since that night she'd been too damaged to think about anything like that especially about Jane.

And it wasn't like she hadn't had plenty of opportunities. Jane had held her in his arms too many times to count, had even lain beside her in her bed while she slept. There hadn't been anything sexual about what he did then and there shouldn't be now. She didn't want to think about things like that, she was still trying to repair the damage to her soul.

Then why couldn't she stop thinking about it?

Lisbon groaned and rolled over, burying her face in the pillow. "Go to sleep," she said aloud, "just go to sleep."

But she couldn't. She didn't know which side of her was winning, the side of her that was afraid to go to sleep and be raped in her nightmares once more or the side of her that couldn't stop thinking things about Jane that she shouldn't be thinking about.

She glanced at the clock and saw it was after one in the morning. With a sigh she reached over to the bedside table and grabbed her phone, it wouldn't be the first time she'd done this and probably not the last.

Jane answered after two rings. "Do we have a case or another nightmare?" He knew the routine by heart now.

"I'm sorry did I wake you?" She asked, knowing that she hadn't.

"If you had would it matter?"

"Of course!"

He chuckled lightly. "You didn't answer the first question. Case or nightmare?"

"Neither," she admitted, sitting up in her bed and propping her pillow up against the headboard. "I'm trying not to take the sleeping pills and I…I really don't want to sleep."

"I know the feeling," Jane told her lightly but she knew he was really serious. He knew exactly what it was like not to want to close his eyes at night.

"So where are you tonight?" Lisbon asked honestly, "Are you at the hotel or hiding away in your attic again?"

"What if I said I was outside your apartment?"

She knew he was teasing, she also knew that she shouldn't have had that excited thrill hum through her body at the thought. She had just been hoping to see her friend, nothing more, and if she told herself that enough then it would definitely be true. "Then I would have to remind you of the laws against voyeurism," she replied, playing the game with him. "Besides, I know you are at your motel room."

"How can you be so certain?"

"Your TV's on, I hear it talking about jaguars. Why do you watch the National Geographic channel so much, are you really that bored?"

"Well it is educational," Jane pointed out, "And late night television is limited."

"Have you ever tried turning the TV off and not letting it distract you?"

"I don't know, how's that method working out for you?"

Well he had her there. "You know some tricks on helping people sleep," she reminded him, "got any advice?"

"Yes but I doubt it will help you much," Jane pointed out, "I can't take your fears or your nightmares away."

"Will they ever go away?" Lisbon wondered aloud.

"You'll be able to sleep through the night again," Jane told her, "it will just take time."

"I'm sick of waiting," Lisbon said letting out a frustrated groan, "If you tell me that 'time heals all wounds' I swear I'll shoot you."

"Through the phone? I'll take my chances," he said with a chuckle.

Lisbon couldn't help but crack a smile at his comment, he was right; she was all bark and no bite when it came to him. She sighed heavily. "I just want this to be over, I want to be myself again."

She heard Jane let out a heavy breath. "Maybe that's the problem, Lisbon. You keep trying to be someone that is long gone, you can't get back what is lost forever."

"So I have to get used to being broken?"

"No, you don't, you just have to realize that things are never going to be as they once were. You are never going to trust strangers the same way you once did, you are never going to be comfortable in certain places and situations and you are always going to have the occasional night that you wake up screaming. The memories are never going to go away and the scars will always be there," Jane finished his speech with a reverence she didn't know he possessed, "It isn't about repairing your self but accepting the new reality. Perhaps once that happens you will finally be able to sleep through the night again."

Lisbon was quiet for a very long time, she was breathing softly as she tried to process everything Jane had just told her. "Do you really believe that?"

"It's something to consider."

She paused a moment. "How do I do that? How do I just accept that I'll never be me again?"

He took a breath and she could actually feel his small smile through the phone. "Time."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm really starting to hate that word." Lisbon simply sighed, "I suppose I should try and sleep."

"That might be a good idea."

Lisbon pursed her lips. "I wonder where I'll be tonight. Will I be attacked in the alley or change things up a bit, maybe at the CBI or in my apartment?"

"An interesting question to ask."

"We can play the most depressing game ever," Lisbon remarked dryly, "What hell will our nightmares conjure up this night?" She knew that Jane experienced his own often, though not nearly as often as she did at the moment. Jane didn't say anything and she knew that he didn't like her talking about this like that; it was too reminiscent of when she would try and play down her pain with fake sarcasm. "I know, I just have to wait. I mean I got over the touching thing with Rigsby and Cho, so eventually this will fall into place right?"

"Right," Jane told her and she could feel that he was a little more relieved.

She sighed again. "I guess I'll go to sleep now."

He was quiet for a moment. "Do you want me to come over?"

She was tempted. More than tempted, she desperately wanted him to lie down beside her; she wanted to be sheltered in his arms. But for once she wasn't sure if it was simply for comfort anymore.

"No," she replied, "I need to face this myself."

"You don't have to be alone."

"I know," she said softly, "and I appreciate it, more than you know." There was another long silence between them and she had to stifle the urge to ask him what he was thinking…what he was feeling. "Good night, Jane."

"Night, Lisbon," he told her, "I'll see you at the office. Hopefully well rested."

Lisbon smiled a little. "If not there is always your couch."

"I don't mind sharing."

She blushed as an image of them on his couch flashed through her mind. The only way they could lie down together on that old thing was if…she was on top of him. Lisbon had to shake that fantasy from her mind. "Or I could simply kick you off."

Jane laughed. "We'll have to see about that."

She giggled lightly. "Good night, Jane," she told him again and this time she hung up the phone.

Now she lay back down on the bed to stare up at the ceiling once more. Images of her and Jane played an endless loop in her mind again; images that started off innocent and then became less so.

What was wrong with her?

It took a long time for her to finally succumb to sleep, still troubled over what she was feeling. But it didn't take long for her to dream once more of her merciless attack.

Time was still not on her side.

* * *

><p>The team realized that it wouldn't be easy slipping away to meet at O'Malley's since Lisbon had turned to work as her way of finding herself again. While they applauded her efforts, she wasn't giving them time to meet. The only guaranteed time was during her weekly meetings with her therapist.<p>

Unfortunately, this did little to actually help them catch the bastard.

Still they tried. Jane sort of led the group, offering up his insights and encouragement. There first order of business was to narrow down their list of suspects. They suspect list had always been the guest list and had already been emptied of the women, the staff, those with confirmed alibis and simply those Jane knew didn't have the gumption to do it. They'd crossed off a lot of names, but they still had a lengthy list of possibilities. The only choice now was to go through them one by one and make calculated decisions on their merits as rapists.

"What about Derek Sullivan?" Grace suggested without looking up from her paper

"Who?" Rigsby asked as he stuffed the last of his burger in his mouth while simultaneously slapping Cho's wandering hand away from his fries.

"He's the rookie that signed onto the organized crime unit."

Jane smiled and shook his head. "No, not him."

"Why not? He's a trained cop and he's always staring at Lisbon."

"Exactly," Jane said, "He has a massive crush on her. Have you seen him try to talk to her? He's like a seven year old boy with a gorgeous teacher."

"That doesn't mean he's incapable," Rigsby said, "How do you think stalkers are born?"

But Jane shook his head softly. "No, what he's capable of is giving her a homemade Valentine's day card from a secret admirer, he's so juvenile in his affections. He couldn't possibly have the drive to be a rapist."

Van Pelt and Rigsby looked unconvinced but Cho nodded. "He's right. The guy blushes every time they see each other in the hallway. He doesn't have the confidence to attack her."

Grace sank back into her seat as she picked up her pen to draw a line through Derek Sullivan's name. "Okay, who's next?"

"Hunter Beaumont," Cho said, "No apparent motive, but there hasn't been any reason to look into him before."

"Keep him in the running," Jane said, but his voice was detached. Clearly he didn't see Hunter as a possible suspect.

"Jack Peterson," Rigsby read off of the list, "He had an argument with Lisbon almost a year ago. She criticized his work, said it was sloppy."

Jane nodded. "Yes, definitely keep him on. He could have been harboring a grudge."

Grace moved through the list and shook her head at their lack of progress. "We're getting nowhere."

"Yes we are, we're just going slowly," Jane said, "Remember the tortoise and the hare."

"This isn't a race and I always thought that was a stupid story," Cho said in reply.

Jane grinned a little. "Perhaps not my best analogy, but the point is that we may not be getting clear answers but we are moving forward. It's just taking time."

"It seems like we all need a lot of that," Rigsby said.

Jane understood exactly what he meant. Lisbon needed time to heal and they needed time to find the guy. But Lisbon was finally getting better and her case had long since frozen over. Time had never truly been on their side.

* * *

><p>Jane was heading back to his motel room after a long session at O'Malley's, it was difficult gleaning through Lisbon's case file and watching it progress so slowly. He wanted to find the answers so this nightmare would be behind them completely, but that wasn't the case right now. But they were getting somewhere he would remind himself, just slowly.<p>

It was easier to be able to focus on the case now that he didn't have to worry so much about Lisbon. He was still concerned every minute of the day but he wasn't as consumed anymore. He was beginning to truly believe that the danger was over; Lisbon was finally starting to move past her attack. With each passing day that she grew stronger the likelihood of her falling back to her turmoil was fading. And she was getting stronger, he wasn't having to come to her home at night as often anymore, sure she called him to talk about her nightmares but there were no late night cuddle sessions in her bed anymore either.

It would be a lie to say that Jane didn't feel a little…wistful about that part. He was glad that she was getting better but taking care of her in those times also satisfied that primal need to care for a woman. It had been a very long time that he ever felt that way.

He also wanted to hold her in his arms again.

It was time he stopped pretending otherwise, he missed waking up with Lisbon in his arms even when it was supposed to be entirely innocent. And it was…on her part; his thoughts had stopped being innocent since that first morning when he'd woken up with his blood already rushing to parts of his body other than his head.

He was still kicking himself for his slip at the ice cream parlor. He never should have said something like that but she'd been covered in melted ice cream, hot fudge and whipped cream, that was something right out of any straight man's fantasies. Seeing her eyes shining with laughter and her skin flush with happiness…he could actually imagine that sweetness on his tongue. The words had escaped him before he could will them back…and she'd noticed them. It was impossible for her not to, and she'd reacted like he thought she would.

But Jane was no fool; he knew that he was not going to indulge himself in this. Not only was it a bad idea to risk their friendship he had his own fears at opening himself up again, particularly when Red John was still watching him intently. The truth was that Lisbon was not at all interested in anything romantic, she was still recovering from her traumatic rape, if she became aware of his thoughts…that would be disastrous.

So he'd made the decision to hide his own inner turmoil, it was easy; he'd had plenty of practice over the years.

Still when his phone rang and he saw Lisbon's name pop up on his caller i.d. he had mixed emotions. He was thrilled to hear from her but also afraid that she was falling back again. "Lisbon?"

But she didn't answer. Instead he heard something of a shriek and then a low thud. Now his heart was racing from a new kind of fear. "Lisbon? Are you all right?"

"Oh God, Jane," she said, her voice sounded a little shaky.

He felt a little better that she was speaking…but not much. "What's happened?"

"Jane I need you…oh God it's looking at me."

Now he was just confused. "What?"

"Shoo! Go away!"

"What the hell is going on?" Jane asked, for once at a complete loss of any idea to the situation.

Lisbon let out another shriek before taking several deep breaths. "It won't leave."

"What won't leave?"

"The bird."

"Excuse me?"

"There's a bird in my apartment and it won't get out!"

Jane gaped openly at his phone, still processing what she'd said. "Are you serious?"

"You think this is a joke?"

"Frankly…yeah."

Lisbon groaned. "I came home with some groceries in the car, I left my door open for five minutes and I came in to find this flying rodent in my house! I opened all of the windows but it still won't leave and…" Now she let out a strangled cry of frustration, "It just pooped all over my bookshelf!"

Jane tried, not very hard but he did try not to laugh but there was no helping it. Not after that visual.

"Stop laughing! This isn't funny. This thing is a menace, it's already dive-bombed me twice."

"Oh really? Was it an extra in a Hitchcock film by any chance?" Jane teased.

"Be serious."

"You're asking too much."

She groaned again. "I need your help."

He was still trying to keep himself from laughing again. "I'm sorry, but my skills don't include bird wrangling."

"Come on, Jane. You are better with nature than me."

"Most people on this planet are better with nature than you."

"Will you just tell me what to do?" she half shouted into the phone.

"Ummm," he thought about it for a minute and then grinned. "Flap your arms and whistle, it'll think you're its mother."

There was a long moment of silence and before Lisbon replied. "You're a jackass."

His grin grew wider. "But you considered it for a minute didn't you."

"Help me. Please!"

"All right, I'll be over in a few minutes," Jane told her. He was still chuckling as he drove away.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Lisbon opened the door to her apartment almost immediately after he knocked and all but yanked him inside. "All right," Jane said upon entering, he wasn't even bothering to hide his amusement. "Where is Tweety?"

She was looking like an agent trying to trap a running assailant not a hapless bird. "I cornered it in the living room but it flew over the top of my stairs and went into my bedroom." She showed him the evidence, which basically included a giant mess in her living room; apparently she was knocking half of her things over in the attempt to reach the animal. "I chased it around my bed before it finally came back downstairs and now it's flying around my kitchen!"

Jane peeked into the room in question and did see the little brown bird perched on the top of one her cabinets. It didn't look like it was in any distress at all, just kept one small beady eye on them while preening its feathers. "You have to help me get this pigeon out of my apartment, Lisbon told him.

"That's not a pigeon," Jane informed her, "It's a House Wren that apparently likes _your_ house." He chuckled a little over his joke.

"I don't care what it is, let's just get the damn thing out of here!"

"Then my first suggestion is to close your doors upstairs, it would be easier to try and contain it downstairs rather then chase it all the way through the apartment."

Lisbon ran upstairs to follow his instructions while he dug through her drawers until he found an unused dishtowel. He kept his eye on the bird, which did the same, hopping a little to the left but still perched on the edge of the cabinet. Jane began to slowly creep towards it; he didn't want to startle it away yet.

"What are you doing?" Lisbon asked, rather loudly.

"Shhh," he told her, holding up a hand to silence her. He kept quietly tiptoeing towards the bird until he got close enough to nearly be able to reach out and touch it. That was when he flung the dishtowel over it…or so he thought. At the last second the bird hopped away and flew towards the living room, directly over their heads.

Lisbon shrieked and ducked her head as if the little thing was actually dangerous. Jane couldn't help but laugh again. "You know you scream like a girl."

She straightened up and glared at him. "What?"

"Well you shouldn't take offense, you _are_ a girl."

She still wasn't amused. "I thought you were going to get this thing out of my apartment."

"I'm working on it," Jane assured her, "he's just a fast little bird."

Lisbon let out an exasperated groan. "Screw it, I'm just going to shoot it." Then she whipped out her gun and actually pointed it in the direction of the bird that was still flying around the ceiling.

"That's a great idea!" Jane said, exaggerating his excitement.

"Really?"

"Yes," he explained, "this way when your neighbors call the cops then they can help us get the bird out."

She blinked a couple times as the wisdom behind his sarcasm sank in. Then she lowered her gun. "Okay, I won't shoot it."

"A wise decision."

She sighed and ran one hand over her eyes. "Then how the hell are we going to get this thing out of here? I really don't want a roommate."

"Well at least you know he'd eat like a bird."

That made her crack a smile and she shook her head. "That was terrible, Jane."

He shrugged. "Eh, I'm just warming up."

She laughed a little and shook her head again. "All right, now what do we do?"

Jane studied their feathered friend for a few seconds. "I say we try and corral him to one of the windows and let him fly out."

Lisbon didn't look keen on going anywhere near the thing but she nodded her head. "Okay, let's try it."

It was ten minutes of both of them running around her living room like complete idiots, alternating between waving their arms to get the bird away from her bookshelves (knocking over a lamp and a few of her photo albums in the process) but the bird seemed to enjoy flying in circles over their head.

"I think he's going to go right," Lisbon said.

"I think you mean left, the other right," Jane pointed out. It turns out they were both wrong as the bird flew straight.

"Shit he's heading towards the kitchen, stop him!"

They both tried to frighten the bird away from the other room but in their haste they weren't paying attention to where they were going. Jane tripped over the end table and couldn't right himself, unfortunately he brought Lisbon down with him.

He still had his eyes on the bird, even as he fell hard onto the ground. Like a joke, the bird chose at that moment to fly out one of the open windows in the living room, likely laughing a long the way. "Well, look at that," Jane said with a smile, shaking his head a little at the irony of it all.

That was when he looked down and met Lisbon's eyes and suddenly realized what had happened.

They both were sprawled on her living room floor but Lisbon was lying beneath him, literally pinned by him. Her arms were trapped beneath his chest so she couldn't move, he was holding on to one shoulder which he'd grabbed when they had fallen. But their bodies were almost aligned perfectly almost like…lovers.

Heat flooded through his system and he couldn't take his eyes off her. He could feel her warm breath fanning his face, her hairs was disheveled from all of the excitement as if a lover had mussed it in a passionate embrace. Her lips were parted as she breathed heavily, he could feel the rising and falling of her chest, the fast steady beat of her heart. He wanted to taste her lips, to see if they were as soft and sweet as he imagined.

It would be so easy, just a few inches and it would already be done.

Jane almost leaned down to do just that but he caught sight of her eyes. Her green depths were wide with something he couldn't identify, but he was certain there was a little bit of fear there. That was when reality sank in.

Lisbon was pinned beneath him and she was still recovering from her rape. If there was any situation that would remind her of her attack then having a man lying on top of her would do just that, especially if she felt his desire for her. Shit, this was bad!

Jane scrambled off of her and to his feet. "I'm sorry, that was an accident."

But Lisbon still lay there as if in a daze, her color was high in her cheeks and her eyes were still wide. For once he had know idea what she was feeling, was she afraid? Or maybe she was still in shock. If he'd ruined her recovery he knew he would never forgive himself. "Are you okay?" he asked her, a little afraid of the answer.

She nodded her head slowly and made to rise, Jane reached down and offered her a hand. He was just glad she accepted it, maybe he hadn't done too much damage. For a long them they both simply stood there, completely awkward and unsure over what to say. Neither one wanted to meet each other's eyes.

"So…Tweety left," Jane pointed out and winced, that was a stupid thing to say.

"Yeah," Lisbon replied, her voice was soft and numb and she wouldn't look at him for more than a second.

"Are you really okay? I didn't mean to fall on you like that, I know it must have—."

"No, Jane," Lisbon told him, "I'm fine, really."

He studied her, not sure if she was telling the truth or not. In fact he was sure she was lying but he wasn't sure why yet. She didn't look afraid of him, at least, not afraid as if she were flashing back to her attack. Something else was wrong; he just wasn't sure what it was.

But he knew he couldn't stay here any longer, he'd already gotten way to close to crossing that line. "Okay then, I'll leave you to your evening," but he couldn't help but add in, "Unless you want me to stay."

Lisbon looked up and met his eyes, chewing on her lip as if she were unsure over what to say. Then she shook her head. "No, I'll be okay."

He nodded. "Then I'll see you tomorrow."

"Sure."

They stared at each one last time before Jane quietly walked away, glancing at her only once along the way. When he was alone he breathed a sigh of relief and then groaned quietly to himself.

Well he'd asked for this hadn't he? He'd wanted to feel her in his arms again. He'd just gotten a lot more than he'd bargained for.

* * *

><p>Lisbon sat quietly in Nancy's office. She had never been very talkative in these sessions but at least she had worked past her walls and was able to speak up about her problems. This was the first time in months that she actually didn't want to say anything. Her therapist obviously noticed.<p>

"Is everything all right, Teresa?"

But she continued to stare ahead. All night she had thought about what happened when Jane fell on top of her in her living room, how in those seconds where they had been staring at one another while feeling his body pressed against hers…she'd realized something.

Something that terrified her.

Lisbon shook her head finally at Nancy's question. "I'm not sure."

Nancy straightened in her seat and gave her a quizzical look. "What do you mean?"

"I think…I think something has happened, and I'm not sure if it is a good thing."

"Are you talking about your attack? Has something happened?"

She shook her head again. "No, it's not like that."

Nancy was quiet for a second and then asked softly. "Do you want to talk about this, Teresa?"

No, she didn't, not really. But she had to say something and Nancy wouldn't tell anyone, she didn't know her friends. Her secrets were perfectly safe here and maybe…maybe this woman could help her sort out her feelings.

So she took a deep breath and let it all out. "It's Jane."

Her therapist raised an eyebrow. "What about him?"

"I…I don't know," Lisbon began, "ever since my attack he's…he's always been there for me."

"Yes, you mentioned that he was the one man you trusted. You depended on him quite a bit," Nancy pointed out, "has that changed."

She shook her head. "No, I still need him."

"Is that the problem then? Do you want to work past your dependency on him?"

Lisbon thought about lying, how that would make everything so much easier if that were the case. But she had a feeling that lying about this would only make this whole situation worse. "No, I don't mind him helping me." Nancy remained silent, either she had run out of questions or she was doing her thing where she waited and let Lisbon continue.

"Yesterday there was a bird in my house and I called Jane to help me get it out." Her lips twitched as she thought about the comical situation they had found themselves in. But then her face darkened as she recalled what happened next. "We were trying to get it to fly out the window when something happened, I think he tripped and then he fell but I was in front of him so he wound up falling on top of me."

"So you were trapped beneath him."

"Yes."

Nancy nodded. "It is understandable if you felt afraid, it must have brought back some memories that were very painful."

"But that's it," Lisbon explained, "I wasn't afraid at all. I wasn't thinking about my attack, I didn't have a flashback and I…I didn't even feel helpless."

Now her therapist was obviously a little confused. "Then what is the problem?"

Lisbon shut her eyes and opened them slowly. "I felt…I felt excited." She blushed and looked down at her hands. "He was on top of me and staring into my eyes and I just, I wanted something to happen…something…"

Nancy took off her glasses and stared at Lisbon. "Are you saying that you have feelings for him?"

Lisbon looked up and met her therapist's eyes. "I think…I think I might be falling for him." She covered her face with her hands. "I don't know what to do."

Nancy was completely silent; she didn't have any answers either.

She wanted to know if there was some way she could stop this, some way she could keep herself from losing the one person who meant everything to her but Lisbon knew that it was all a dream. It was much too late.

She wasn't falling anymore, she had fallen…into him.

* * *

><p>AN: Oh man, Lisbon now realizes she is falling for Jane, well that's going to be a problem isn't it? Of course Jane has feelings for her but will he actually let himself acknowledge them? You'll have to wait and see.

Next chapter Lisbon's therapist urges her to tell Jane her true feelings while Jane tries to figure out why Lisbon is so distant from him all of a sudden and Lisbon begins to wonder if she even has the strength to get better without him.


	15. What You Feel

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Yay, we updated. This is kind of a big set up for the next chapter which will be big but for now you guys get to enjoy Lisbon freaking out over her newfound feelings for Jane hehehe. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed so far, it's amazing how many people have reached out to us through this fic.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Hey all, this might be our shortest chapter yet but that's only because it's a big set up for what happens next. This story is kind of divided in to three parts, the rape and aftermath, Jane and Lisbon's relationship and then finally the big reveal when the great mystery is solved. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as I did.

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* * *

><p>Chapter 15: What You Feel<p>

It had become a normal thing for Lisbon's team to quietly discuss their boss while she was out of earshot. It started off as a way for all three of them to admit how worried they were for her and possibly try to come up with solutions to help her. Lately these sessions had become a bit more lighthearted as it appeared that she was improving and permanently putting the attack behind her. They all agreed that she was moving on and were happy for her…and they wondered what was going on between her and Jane.

Early on the rest of the team had noticed that a strong bond had formed between the two of them post-attack. It was more than just Jane being the only one who could touch her for a very long time and Jane being the person that ended up taking care of Lisbon the most. No, this was about them spending a lot more time together outside of work, it was the way they talked so easily, far too easily to be just ordinary coworkers.

At least that was how things had been until recently.

Now Lisbon seemed to be avoiding Jane entirely and it was clear that Jane was noticing it as well. He kept trying to get her alone but she wasn't going for it, insisting that one of the other members of the team accompany them on a case. She was even ducking out early from work to avoid him which showed just how desperate she really was.

Something had happened but it seemed like the only person who knew was Lisbon…and she wasn't talking.

"Do you think they got into a fight?" Grace wondered aloud, assuming that Jane had pulled one of his usual tricks.

Cho shook his head. "No, she's not mad at him, it's something else."

They were quiet again as the all pondered the options until Rigsby blurted out. "Maybe she saw him naked." Grace and Cho turned their heads to gape at him, hiding looks of horror. "What? It would explain why she is so weird around him."

"And _how_ would she have seen Jane _naked_?" Grace asked.

"He doesn't have many clothes, maybe she walked in on him changing in the attic or something?"

Grace considered that idea while Cho simply shook his head. "No."

"Why not?"

"Because if she'd seen him naked then Jane would be okay with it," Cho pointed out, "he'd probably find it funny."

Rigsby quickly realized the truth about that; Jane would find it amusing if Lisbon caught him with his pants down…literally. He'd take the opportunity to tease her about it for sure.

"Okay, what if he saw her naked?"

"Then he'd _really_ be okay with it."

"Why does anyone have to be naked?" Grace asked, shaking her head at her randy minded co-workers.

"They don't," Rigsby said, "I was just wondering."

She rolled her eyes and groaned. "Something else must have happened, with their clothes _on_."

"Okay," Cho began, "what do _you_ think happened?"

Grace chewed on her lip as she thought about it for a long moment, even glancing over at Lisbon's closed office. "What if something happened between them?"

"Like what?" Rigsby asked.

"Like something…something," she leaned closer and whispered, "romantic?"

Cho's eyebrows rose while Rigsby gaped at her. "You think they slept together?"

"No," Grace said quickly and then revised her statement, "I don't think so."

"They didn't sleep together," Cho stated.

"You sure about that?"

"Yes," Cho replied, "she was just raped a few months ago, you really think she's suddenly decided to sleep with Jane?"

Grace saw the wisdom in his statement but wasn't ready to concede defeat yet. "Okay, but things are different between them. They are closer now." Cho still looked skeptical so she pushed the issue. "We all wondered at some time or another if things were going on, and that was before all of this happened. Now…now they share something deeper than it used to be. It makes sense that they could feel something."

Cho nodded his head. "Maybe…but if they were together then why does Jane look just as confused as us?"

Grace opened her mouth and closed it before shaking her head. "I don't know."

"He has to find out," Rigsby said, "because if she keeps acting like this she might…what if she starts to fall apart again?"

That was a possibility that they hadn't thought about…and it terrified them.

Because it was certainly possible.

* * *

><p>Jane might not have heard the rest of the team talking about him and Lisbon but he knew what they were doing. He might have been amused by some of their suggestions but he'd also come to a similar conclusion. Lisbon was acting strange and pushing him away, he was afraid that maybe she was falling back to old habits.<p>

He didn't know. She was barely talking to him anymore and he was desperate to change that.

But he had to handle this carefully, he didn't want to scare her away, or worse, lose her trust. He wasn't one for subtlety though.

Lisbon was alone in her office and Jane took that opportunity to pounce.

He walked into her closed office and did his best to keep from smiling when she saw him. She gaped at him openly and he knew it wasn't because he was barging in; rather it was the sunglasses and the coffee cup of loose change he was rattling around.

"What the hell is this?" She asked, sounded a lot like her old self.

"Me, begging."

"For money?"

"No, for you to talk to me."

Lisbon's face fell at his words and he watched as she covered up her discomfort and guilt with her practiced mask of professionalism. "I am talking to you," she said dismissively.

Jane took off the sunglasses and set them down on her desk along with the cup. "No, you're not."

"I'm talking to you right now," she pointed out, looking down at the paperwork in front of her as if she really was simply busy.

He watched her pretend to do paperwork for a moment before deciding that ruffling her feathers might be in order. "Did you have a nightmare last night?" The scratching of her pen stopped in mid stroke but she didn't look up at him. That didn't matter, he had his answer. "You did. Why didn't you call me?"

Lisbon flinched and actually did flick her eyes up to him before looking back down at her paperwork. "I'm not five years old, I don't need to run for help whenever I have a bad dream."

"But I can help you," Jane reminded her, "I've been helping you for months—."

"Jane, I have to start taking care of myself," she explained.

He raised an eyebrow at that. "That's good, Lisbon," he had to admit that it would be a good thing…if he believed that was why she was really doing this. "But the problem with that is that you still don't seem comfortable and rather than deal with it, you are trying to hide it."

She didn't say anything but she was no longer pretending to do paperwork. Instead she stared down at her desk, not willing to meet his eyes.

Jane stepped around her desk to get closer to her, reaching out to touch her shoulder in an effort to get her to look at him. Touching her came second nature now. "Tell me what is wrong, please. I want to help you."

Lisbon shook her head. "Nothing is wrong, Jane," she assured him even if it was obviously a lie.

"If nothing is wrong then you would be able to look at me."

She sighed and pointedly turned her head to meet his gaze. "Happy?"

"No," Jane told her honestly.

"Well I can't help that," Lisbon replied and quickly rose to her feet.

"Where are you going?" Jane asked, suddenly feeling like their roles were reverse and he was the one trying to catch up with her.

"I have work to do," she told him lamely before leaving him alone in her office.

Jane stared at her retreating form, noting the tension in her frame and the rigid way she was walking. Something was very, very wrong.

He looked around at her desk littered with paperwork and case files. Resting by her computer was her coffee mug still full of steaming coffee; she'd just been in that much a hurry to leave him.

Lisbon was hiding something from him. The last time it had been an obsession with rape victims in literature and she'd simply let herself spiral downward into a pit of depression that had nearly destroyed her.

What if she was falling once again?

* * *

><p><em>It wasn't surprising when Lisbon found herself in her green cocktail dress again, standing in a dark place. Still, her heart pounded with the knowledge of what would come next. She never saw him, never saw it coming though she knew he waited for her in the shadows. He was just there.<em>

_ She was up against the wall, thrashing and writhing for freedom. Sometimes she followed her training, sometimes she flailed about like a helpless kitten dropped into a swimming pool. Always she failed to get what she wanted: freedom._

_ She punched, kicked, scratched, and shoved but he was a brick wall, completely immovable. He would win. He always won._

_ Then, he was gone._

_ Lisbon didn't take the time to question this odd turn of events. She ran. Her high heels were surprisingly steady as she raced through the darkness just as she did when she ran track in high school. She was free. For once she wouldn't wind up trapped and unable to stop what was sure to come. She was free of him, and her was body her own again._

_ And then she found something in her path._

_ Lisbon nearly tripped over it, whatever it was. Something soft, but cool. It was too dark to see what it was unless she knelt down to inspect it._

_ She knew she should ignore it. This was her chance to run, to finally be free and never feel his cruel touch again. Despite the fact that she knew this, she couldn't help but bend down to see what she'd discovered._

_ One blink and then she forgot how to breathe._

_ "Jane," she gasped out his name, "Jane?"_

_ She touched his face, but no breath whispered against her hands. Then her fingers found something warm and sticky._

_ Blood._

_ "Jane!" she shouted in a voice that sounded like her own and yet was wet with tears and heavy with fear, "Jane! No! Jane!"_

_ She shook him, pounded at him with her fists, but he made no movement. He didn't smile his infectious smile nor give her a laugh and tell her it was all some sick twisted joke of his. So she kept shaking and screaming his name._

_ And then two hands came out of the dark, wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her away from Jane. "No!" she shouted again._

_ She was back in that alley. And there was no escape._

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

Lisbon woke up with Jane's name on her lips. She was covered in sweat while her heart pounded so hard she thought it would burst out of her ribs. She sucked in air and it came out in sobs.

Finally she rolled over and cried into her pillow, pounding the mattress with her fist and screaming out her fears. She nearly reached for the phone to call Jane. She even stretched out her hands towards it, desperate more than ever to hear his voice. But how could she tell him about this particular nightmare? What if he knew then what secret she carried?

So she drew her hand back and let her tears wet her pillow. She didn't stop crying until morning.

* * *

><p>Lisbon was actually grateful that the morning after her nightmare she had a session with Nancy. For once, she started off the talking that day. Nancy patiently listened to her as she spoke of her dream, of finding Jane's lifeless body before her rapist came for her. She managed to keep from sobbing though one tear did fall from her eye and roll down the slope of her cheek when she was finished.<p>

Nancy gave her a soothing little smile and then asked, "Have you dreamed of Jane before?"

"Of him dead?" Nancy nodded once. "Yes, but never like this."

"How then?"

Lisbon hesitated. She'd always been careful to never tell her therapist about Jane and Red John because she suspected he wouldn't want that known to her. Still, she remembered those dreams of finding Jane sliced open with an evil red face drawn on the wall before him in his own blood. She'd never told Jane about those dreams. She knew he would tell her it would never happen. Not because Red John wouldn't kill him, but because he wanted him alive to suffer and toy with.

"He would be murdered by a criminal," Lisbon said, "Not anyone I knew, just someone…someone far worse than even my rapist."

"I see. And in those dreams, was his death meant to be an attack against you?"

"No," she said with a shake of her head, "It had nothing to do with me. I would just find him and that's when I would wake up."

"But this time Jane was killed by someone who wanted to hurt you."

"Yes."

Nancy nodded again and made some minor note on her pad. "Do you fear your attacker will kill your friends and family?"

Lisbon mulled over that. She actually had never considered that possibility and let that bit of fear wash through her for a moment, but only a moment. She was a trained investigator and she knew a bit about criminal profiling. If the rapist wanted to commit murder then he would have done so back in that alley when he had her at his mercy. Instead he'd kept himself hidden, left her alive and never sent her any messages or clues that he was watching her. He'd done what he'd desired and that was all he needed.

"No," she said at last, "He won't kill me or anyone I care about it. He did what he wanted to me and doesn't need to hurt me any further. He's quite proud enough with having got away with it, he won't risk anything else."

Nancy nodded her head in agreement. "Dreams are sometimes just dreams," she said gently.

"But not these," Lisbon said.

"No," she said, "your nightmares come from your subconscious, your fear of your attacker. You're not ready to let that go yet and so it all comes forth in your dreams."

Nancy set aside her pen and notebook and leaned forward towards Lisbon. "But this dream wasn't about you being raped. It was about Jane. You said yourself you're not afraid of him dying, this is something else. You're afraid of losing him in a different way."

Lisbon sat back in her chair. "You're talking about my feelings for him."

"Yes. You admitted you have feelings for Jane but you haven't confronted them yet. You're afraid that if you do, you'll lose him."

"Because Jane might not feel the same way," Lisbon said solemnly, "He still loves his wife."

Nancy gave her the barest of nods and then looked her in the eye. "Have you considered the possibility that your feelings may not be what you think they are?"

"What do you mean?"

"You only just came to realize your feelings for him after your attack. You trusted Jane before anyone else. You relied upon him to help you and he did. He did everything he could to make your feel safe and strong again. Perhaps your feelings are simply a manifestation of your desire to get over your fears. You trust Jane, you know he won't hurt you and you want to be your old self again, so you've created romantic feelings for him because you know he isn't like your attacker."

Lisbon blinked at her for several moments. She frowned, straightening up and shaking her head a little. "I never…never considered that. Maybe I don't really feel that way for him at all."

There was an odd tightening in her chest, something that she couldn't identify but knew it wasn't relief.

"It is something you must consider," Nancy said, "I can't say for certain what you're feeling, only you can. But regardless, you must not keep this to yourself."

"That's why I told you."

Nancy gave her a patient smile. "You have to tell Jane about all of this."

Lisbon felt that familiar burst of fear and shook her head. "But you said it might not be real. Why should I tell him?"

"Teresa, he's a very important person in your life and he is trying to help you. No doubt he is concerned about you. He must be told about all of this. Perhaps he can help you figure out for yourself what you are feeling."

Lisbon looked down at her hands on her knees. They trembled, just a bit. "And what if he decides he needs to stay away because he doesn't…because he can't…" She hadn't the breath to finish.

Nancy gave her a sympathetic look and reached out to gently put one hand over Lisbon's shaky one. "If he does, it might be for the best. It might be time for you to let go of Jane and start relying on yourself. Either way, you'll know and these fears will stop."

She hated that she was right, but that was her job. Even if Jane refused her, all of the sleepless nights and worries over what would become of their friendship would end. But she still feared telling him just as much as she feared confronted these feelings.

What would he do?

What would she find?"

* * *

><p>The team met for their weekly meetings at O'Malley's and while these moments were never light and full of cheer, there was a heavy brocade of awkwardness that was surrounding this meeting that was not normal. The four of them were looking through the case files but they weren't really seeing them, more often than not they looked up to glance at one another, particularly turning their gaze to Jane.<p>

In the end Jane was the one who got tired of the silence. "Just ask."

The three other members of the team exchanged looks but it was Grace to spoke up first. "We're worried about Lisbon."

"So am I."

None of them liked that; if Jane was worried then they should be very concerned. "Do you know what's wrong with her?" Rigsby asked.

Jane shook his head. "No."

"Has she said anything?"

He shook his head again. "She's not talking to me."

Now that really was strange. The team never really talked about it, at least not with Jane, but they all knew that he had been spending a lot of time over at Lisbon's home. He had been the only one that she had trusted over those many terrible months, the only one she'd let touch her. She'd turned to him, told him everything, things the team knew she wouldn't tell anyone else.

Why was she hiding from him now?

"Do you have any idea what could have happened?" Cho asked.

He was quiet for a while as he mulled it over and then gave a slight nod. "Last week she called me asking for help with getting a bird out of her apartment. In the chaos…I fell on top of her."

They all knew how dangerous that could have been.

"Shit," Rigsby breathed out.

"She said she was fine," Jane told them, "and she didn't seem afraid of me touching her but…I'm not sure. She started acting strange after that."

"Is she slipping back?"

Jane shrugged. "She's not sleeping and she won't talk to me."

"She's not snapping at us like she did before," Grace reminded them.

"No, she's not angry," Jane agreed, "she's afraid though."

They all exchanged looks of their own fear. "Maybe something happened," Grace offered, "maybe her attacker did something again."

"He isn't Red John, he isn't playing a game with her," Jane pointed out, "whoever he is he isn't contacting her or harassing her. He is content to sit back with the knowledge that he is free and she has no idea who he is, he wouldn't risk his freedom anymore than he already has."

"But she is afraid," Cho pointed out.

"Yes…she is."

"Of what?" Jane didn't say anything, his gaze was hard with an emotion they couldn't really identify but Cho was very observant. "Of you?"

Jane looked up and met his gaze. "I don't know. I hope not."

Rigsby looked down at the table and sighed heavily. "What if she starts to go back? What if she blames herself again?"

He shook his head, his eyes large and grave. "Hope she doesn't. I don't know how we managed to pull her back from hell the first time but I have no doubt that we couldn't repeat it again."

"We have to do _something_," Grace declared.

Jane looked away and they watched as his gaze became firm. "No, you don't." But then he stood up quickly from the table. "But I'm going to go find out what the hell is wrong."

He left them just like that and the three remaining members look at each other with wide-eyed gazes.

"You think he'll succeed?" Rigsby asked.

Cho shrugged. "That all depends on which one is more stubborn…guess we'll know soon enough."

* * *

><p>Jane preferred tricks and schemes to finding out the truth, mostly because that was the fastest and best way to get it. But sometimes one needed to simply confront the problem head on until it could be discovered. It wasn't his specialty, but he certainly had no choice but to do so now.<p>

Lisbon still looked at him with haunted eyes. She was afraid of something. She hadn't looked at him like that for months, now she was acting like she had before. But not completely. She still ate and worked as she had been doing. It was like she was hiding something from him.

He couldn't wait any longer.

Eight years of working with Lisbon had taught him her habits. Unless deeply engrossed in a case, Lisbon always ate her lunch at promptly 12:30. So he arrived to the break room two minutes before to wait for her there.

Lisbon paused in the doorway when she saw him like a deer staring down a semi-truck. "Jane," she said his name in a sort of greeting.

"Ah, so you can talk to me," Jane said, "I was beginning to think you'd forgotten my name."

"Don't be silly," she told him, but she refused to look into his eyes. Instead she went to the refrigerator to pull out her lunch.

"All right," he said with a nod, "I'll be as sober as a judge. You're hiding something from me."

"No I'm not," she said all too quickly.

"You know better than to lie to me, Lisbon." Jane told her, "You won't look me in the eye, you've been avoiding me for nearly a week now. I need to know what's wrong."

Lisbon shook her head at him. "Nothing, Jane, I'm fine."

"No you're not." It came out sharper than he meant, but it couldn't be helped. He was boiling inside with fear and frustration. "You're afraid. I think you're afraid of me."

Her tell was her pause in which her entire body went stiff. "Don't be ridiculous."

"You are," he said, stepping closer to her, "Something's changed and you're afraid again. Tell me."

"I'm _fine_," she insisted.

"Is this about what happened at your house?" he asked her. Her eyes widened just a bit, another sign. So he reached over and gently touched her arm. She didn't flinch but her eyes did look at his hand. "I'm sorry about what happened, but you must believe that I would never hurt you."

"I know that."

Now Jane was confused. Lisbon spoke the absolute truth. She wasn't afraid of his touch nor did she associate him with her attack. "Then why are you avoiding me."

"I've just been—."

"No, you haven't been busy," Jane said with a bite to his words, "You haven't been fine either. Something is wrong and I can't understand why you won't tell me."

He shook his head and then took another step towards her. "Please," he begged, "Please tell me what I can do to make things right again."

Lisbon finally met his eyes. Hers were glassy as she shook her head gently. "Nothing," she said, "You can't do anything. It's up to me…but I don't know if I can."

She then abandoned her lunch and left the break room, her head hanging down to her chest as she walked away. This time he let her. It seemed he really had no choice but to wait for her to find the courage and tell him what was wrong.

Oh how he hated that truth.

* * *

><p>In an unusual turn of events it was Lisbon who called up her therapist and not the other way around. Normally she hated turning to a psychiatrist for help, while she admitted that she needed to continue therapy that didn't mean she enjoyed talking about her personal life on a regular basis.<p>

But this time she had to talk to someone and unfortunately, Dr. Cargill was the only person who knew what was troubling her.

"He was upset," Lisbon explained over the phone, keeping her voice quiet as if afraid Jane could hear her through the walls. "He wanted to know what he did wrong."

"That is an understandable reaction," Nancy reminded her, "If you are avoiding him entirely he would assume that you are either angry with him or afraid of him."

"I'm not afraid of him, I'm afraid of losing him."

"But he isn't aware of that."

"Of course he isn't, if he knew what I was really feeling then he would be avoiding me too."

"Do you truly believe that this is the best course of action?" she asked, "keeping the truth from him like this?"

"If I tell him then he'll turn cold," Lisbon explained, "he'll keep me at a distance because he won't want to hurt me…but that will hurt me more than anything else. He won't come see me any more because he won't want to support my feelings. I'll lose him."

"Is it truly any different than it is now? You aren't seeing him by _your_ choice."

"At least now I have hope."

She heard her therapist sigh. "Teresa, you need to consider the possibility that this is how it is supposed to be."

"Without hope? Without help?"

"No, that this is the way you learn to regain your independence. If your feelings for Jane are simply a manifestation of your fear of being hurt than the only way to work past it is to attempt to make it out on your own."

Lisbon sat there with the phone pressed to her ear. "And what if I can't?"

"There is only one way to find out."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

It took her all day to work up the courage, in the end it really was Nancy's comment that drove her to finally go and talk to Jane. She was right, Jane might not know what she was feeling but she'd already lost him if things continued like this. She had to grow up, had to make a clean break of it so that maybe, just maybe she could find a way to go on healing without him.

He was in the attic, a bit unusual since, as far she knew he hadn't gone up there much since she'd been attacked. Lisbon didn't know if it was because he didn't need it or if he'd been too busy taking care of her to brood. She supposed it didn't matter, she had no doubt that he would be able to catch up on lost time very soon.

Her footsteps were loud in the quiet as she made her way into the room. He was sitting by the window with a cup of tea; it was a sight she knew far too well. Jane turned to look at her but he didn't smile, neither did she. "Lisbon," he greeted her but waited for her to speak. They both knew she was the one who had to do this.

"Jane," she began very softly, "I…I have to talk to you…to tell you something." Why did she sound like a frightened little girl? "After the attack you were there for me more than anyone else and I needed you…I still do. You made me feel safe, made me feel normal again but now…now…"

She stopped, unable to continue as the words died in her throat.

Jane stood up and walked a few steps towards her, his eyes piercing into hers. "What is it?"

But she still couldn't speak. If she told him then he would run, she would lose the person who held her when she slept, who had dried her tears and pulled her back for the ledge she had been all to happy to stand on. She didn't want him to leave her.

"Lisbon," he said gently, "You have to tell me what it is."

She took in a deep breath and let it out; she repeated the action several times until she felt a small measure of calm. This was it. The moment where she would break everything.

"I have feelings for you."

Jane's reaction was near about what she'd expected. He sucked in a breath but didn't let it out, his eyes wide and his whole face somber and grace. He was surprised; there was no doubt about that. No need to clarify what she meant by _feelings,_ he understood completely.

Lisbon opened her mouth and shut it. She cleared her thought before trying again. "I've been talking to my therapist about it, she believes that it might be because of the attack. I needed you so much afterwards and because I'm afraid of trusting others…" she paused before continuing, "I created feelings for you as a means of protecting myself. I know you won't do anything about it, won't hurt me so by feeling this way I don't have to put myself out there and risk being hurt like that again. She thinks that I'll get over my feelings once I heal."

Jane's eyes were still wide. "Oh," he said softly, obviously still reeling a bit from the revelation. She couldn't tell if he was comfortable with that explanation or not. She didn't give him long to consider it.

"But I don't think that's it."

His head snapped up and he met her gaze again. "You don't?"

She shook her head. "I can't stop thinking about that dance. You remember, before everything happened." Lisbon looked away, unable to meet his eyes as she told him. "I felt something then, my heart was beating so fast and I felt so…so I don't know what I felt but it was powerful.

"And there were times before that. Moments here and there where I would deny that I saw something, wanted something from you. But I ignored it, I pretended it wasn't there because I knew that if I said something then everything would be ruined."

Lisbon finally met his gaze again. He still stood there completely still, watching her with wide frightened eyes. "I can't do that anymore, there's no way I can ignore it now. I had to tell you this: I have feelings for you, they are real and I don't think they are going to go away."

She couldn't stop the tears form filling her eyes, one spilling down her cheek. "I know you. I know you can't do this and I understand. Don't feel guilty, it's time I looked out for myself anyways."

Something in Jane's snapped when she said that, he actually jerked up a little. "What?"

But Lisbon shook her head. "I'm sorry," she said softly before turning around and heading towards the door.

"Lisbon, wait!" Jane called out, trying to stop her.

But she turned to look at him one last time. "Please, don't," Then she fled leaving him alone again.

This was it. Everything was out in the open.

Now what?

* * *

><p>AN: Looks like the ball is in Jane's court, but what is he going to do with it? In the next chapter you'll see the team getting more frustrated because now Jane is also acting weird hehehe while Jane tries to sort out how he feels, there is a fine line between what he wants to do and what he thinks he deserves. Lisbon tries to get better without Jane's help...but will she succeed? And Jane get's advice from a familiar face... Minelli! All Jisbon fans should stick around ;-)

Well what are you sitting around for? Let us know what you think!


	16. Should Have Done

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Another shorter chapter but the ending is worth it. Just wait, after this everything changed and the chapters that follow are ALL game changers, every single one. You'll want to stay tuned. Trust me hehehe.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Yeah, this one is shorter but I think you all are going to love it. It's one we've been DYING to do since the beginning, and the one all of you have been waiting for. This is the home stretch, every thing after this chapter is very much key to the ending. Enjoy.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Lazy**: LOL I've been there. Thanks for the huge compliment, we strive to keep the characters in character and the situations as realistic as possible. Hopefully you'll check out some of our other fics, warning, they are all pretty much angsty like this one LOL

**Guest**: If you thought that was beautiful, bring kleenex for THIS chapter hehehe

**Guest**: Oh we think it could be, if something happened that forced Lisbon to recognize her feelings, she might not have much of a choice but to tell him.

**Chris**: Thank you for your kind words and I hope you have stayed strong for your friend.

**Luna**: LOL you'll hate this ending too LOL

**Guest**: We wanted to present a realistic portrayal of rape, a lot of fics have Lisbon suddenly falling into bed with Jane and that just would NOT happen. So thanks for your compliments

**Guest**: Not so quick but still a treat, I loved writing Minelli in this chapter.

**Guest**: You see, not a whole month! It worked

**Guest**: We totally respect your privacy and understand why you want to remain anonymous. Know that we have said some prayers for you and others like you that have contacted us from this fic. Hopefully Lisbon's journey can provide you some comfort, things will heal.

**Sharpest Satire**: LOL just wait until the end of this chapter, you're going to die! LOL

**Nat**: Well here it is

* * *

><p>Chapter 16: Should Have Done<p>

It was Cho who had sent the text message to Jane saying that they might have found a break in Lisbon's case and to meet them at the bar. Lisbon had gone home after a full week of working with Jane like he was a carrier of the plague. He was just as awkward as well, though he did look at her occasionally like he was desperate to talk to her. Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt were tired of being left in the dark over what was going on.

Jane arrived at the bar promptly, his golden brows arching in surprise as finding all three of them there before him. "What did you find?" he asked.

"Nothing," Cho said, "We want to know what's going on between you and Lisbon."

Jane stood there is silence for a moment. He lifted his chin, smiling broadly at them all. "You lied to me. You sent me a text so I wouldn't be able to tell any inflections in your voice when you lived. That was very clever. I applaud you." He even clapped his hands for effect. "Though you do realize I will have to get revenge for this."

"Wait, what?" Rigsby asked.

"Nothing too painful, I promise, probably just ultimately humiliating."

"Humiliating?" Grace repeated, fear entering her eyes.

"Now you're trying to distract us," Cho said.

Jane shrugged and nodded his head once. "And it was working to a point. But then again, you're not nearly as easily intimidated."

"Hey," Rigsby protested. Even Grace scowled at him for that comment.

Jane took a seat in the booth, smiling as if this had all been his idea. But Cho could see a bit easily than the others that his smile didn't reach his eyes. Outwardly he was all relaxed and at ease, but inside he was on edge and ready to bolt at a moment's notice.

"So you're worried about Lisbon again," Jane said.

"What's wrong?" Grace asked, "Is she slipping back?"

"Not exactly."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Rigsby asked.

"It means she's in a delicate position and if I'm not careful then she could fall right back into that hole she was adamantly digging herself into before," Jane said, not cheery words in the least.

"What kind of position? What can we do?" Cho asked.

"Nothing. This is about me and her."

"You and her how?"

Jane just smiled and looked down at the table, shaking his golden head a bit. That was answer enough. No way in hell was he telling them that.

"I don't understand what's wrong," Grace spoke up with a voice full of worry. Her soft nature always got to Jane so it wasn't a surprise to Cho that he caved, but only just a little.

"Lisbon is dealing with some personal issues," Jane said, "and I have to figure out whether she's ready or not to take that next step."

"What next step?"

"The details aren't important."

"I think we all disagree on that," Cho said.

Jane let out a sigh of impatience and then leaned forward in his seat. "Let me explain it like this, Lisbon and I are locked in a game of chess. Now, unlike her, I can foresee many outcomes to the game. I have to make sure the outcome is favorable for her and in order to do that I have to calculate both of our next moves. Now if I act too soon then I could end the game to soon, and she'll lose in a terrible way. My hope is that we can come out of this game with an equal share of the prize, but if that's not possible then I want her to win."

He sat back into his seat. "There, does that make sense to you?"

"Not in the least," Cho said.

Jane drummed his fingers on the wooden table and shrugged. "I don't know how else to explain it to you."

"You could just tell it to us straight."

"I could, but you all know that I won't." He smiled again and stood up from the table. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a complicated game of chess to play and revenge to plan, so my schedule is a bit full at the moment."

He continued to grin even as he turned around and walked out of the bar. Cho knew they hadn't been given any answers at all, but maybe they'd given Jane a bit of a break from his problems. It didn't do them any good, just gave another point for Jane in his never ending mind games. All he did know now was that Lisbon and Jane's relationship was all tangled up at the moment and Jane was determined to fix it, he just hadn't figured out how yet.

The team sat in silence, mulling over their failure to get answers. It was Rigsby who broke the mood by asking, "You don't really think he'll get revenge, do you?"

Cho just shrugged. "With Jane, you never know."

* * *

><p>Lisbon had been spending the couple of weeks burying herself in work, it seemed like the best idea to avoid any moment of reflection on what she was feeling and what she had said to Jane in the attic. She'd expected Jane to push her away after her confession, after all, there was no way Jane would be ready to go into a relationship with her. That didn't mean she hadn't hoped that maybe she was wrong.<p>

She had waited that night for a phone call, for a knock on the door. She imagined scenarios where he showed up and told her how he felt, that these past few months had woken something inside of him too or maybe…maybe it had been there for awhile and he hadn't been ready to acknowledge it.

But he hadn't.

No, Jane had done what she knew he would and followed suit with her own actions. Now they both avoided each other. He would stay in the bullpen or his attic, she remained in her office. Walls and rooms separated them but now an ocean of uncertainty was between them as well. A part of her wished she could turn back time and stop herself from telling him, stop herself for recognizing her feelings. Everything had been fine until then.

She missed him. She needed him. That was becoming apparent. Her nightmares continued and now with no security to remind her that she was strong, that she was safe, all she felt was revulsion and fear. She kept trying to stop herself from showering at three in the morning when she woke up screaming but so far, it was all for naught.

What if she slipped back? What if she wasn't strong enough to go on without him? No, she had to stop thinking about that. She had managed to go on most of her life without Jane's meddlesome ways and charming smile, she certainly could move on now. She had to stay focused, had to stay strong.

A soft knock on her door interrupted her thoughts and suddenly there he was. Jane walked into her office with a small smile and serious eyes.

For a second all she could do was gape at him while her eyes drank him in. He really was beautiful, she'd always known that but now she was looking at him through the gaze of real longing. She wanted to have his eyes look at her with adoration, she wanted to feel his arms wrapped around her again, she wanted to know what it was like to run her fingers through his curls? Why was she thinking like a dumb heroine in a romance novel?

"Is there something you want?" She finally managed to ask, tripping over her tongue a little in the process. She picked up a pen and put it back down. What the hell was wrong with her?

"I need a reason to see you?" He asked innocently, as if she was the only one having problems here.

"Don't pretend that nothing happened, Jane," she replied, "it's no use."

He sighed heavily at her statement and took a few steps closer to her. "I wanted to talk to you about that."

And just like that, her heart filled with hope. Maybe he would…no she shouldn't do that. "Really?"

Jane nodded. "The team has been catching on that we are avoiding each other, they want to know what is going on."

Her heart sank and then she prickled with anxiety. "What did you tell them?"

"Nothing," he assured her, "it isn't their business is it?"

Lisbon shook her head. "No, it isn't."

There was a long moment of silence as they simply stared at one another. His gaze was soft and warm and she loved every second that his eyes were on her. "How are you doing?" he finally asked.

"I'm fine."

"Still having nightmares?"

"Jane…"she began carefully, "you can't do this."

"I know," he replied, "Because this isn't working. Avoiding each other is not helping you and it certainly isn't doing either one of us any good." He gazed at her for a long time before saying very softly. "I miss you."

She knew he was right and it touched her that he cared. She struggled to smile and met his eyes again. "I miss you too." Then Lisbon shook her head. "But we can just bury our heads in the sand and I can't stop the way I'm feeling anymore than you can."

Jane didn't react, didn't even flinch when she mentioned her feelings for him again, but his gaze was somber now. She knew that he was locking himself up in his mind, thinking about everything she was saying but not letting her know how he truly felt.

Lisbon took a deep breath in and let it out. "I don't see how anything can change…unless you want it to."

Now he did stiffen, he knew exactly what she was doing. She wanted to know if maybe, just maybe, he felt something for her like she did for him. "I don't know, Lisbon," he told her gently, "I don't know."

Her whole body deflated like a sad little balloon. "I understand. You have a lot of baggage and I'm…well I now have a matching set."

"Now wait a second," Jane told her firmly stepping forward and actually reaching up to tilt her head towards him, "This has nothing to do with you of what happened. No one cares about that, least of all me, don't short change yourself because of what some bastard did to you." She looked up at him, holding her breath and smiling softly at the beautiful things he said.

For a second she wondered if he would do it. If he would lean down and kiss her. She could have sworn he even looked down at her lips. She could feel the warmth from his fingers, still cupping her cheek. They moved slightly as if…as if feeling her skin, as if aching to caress.

Then Jane suddenly took a step back, breaking the contact, he put the hand that had been touching her safely into his jacket pocket. "This isn't about you, it's me. I have to figure all of this out."

She nodded, still finding it hard to breath. "So what does that mean about us?"

He shook his head. "I don't know." Jane looked at her one last time but she had no idea what was in his gaze. Was it sadness? Longing? Pain? She didn't know. Then he walked out of her office.

Lisbon breathed deeply several times after he left; now she was even more confused about what was taking place. Hope wasn't something she could allow herself at the moment, not when she fell for a man who was emotionally unavailable. But she couldn't seem to help herself.

Either way she looked it appeared that she was doomed.

* * *

><p>Since it was impossible to talk to Jane at the moment, Lisbon had no one else to go to but Nancy. So she called her therapist and asked if it would be okay to have a session today. She didn't know if Nancy moved things around or canceled a lunch, but at 2:00, she found herself sitting on the same couch and fumbling with her fingers like she always did.<p>

"I take it things are not better between you and Jane," Nancy broke the ice.

"I told him," Lisbon said.

"How did he take it?"

Lisbon thought back to the moment when she'd told him that she had feelings for him and that they had been there before the rape. Jane had actually looked surprise, a rare thing for him. Mostly he'd just stood there, a Jane statue frozen by her words.

"He froze," Lisbon said.

Nancy nodded. "It's an understandable reaction when hearing news like that."

Lisbon looked at her fingers tied up into a knot. "We haven't really talked about it since."

Now she frowned a bit with puzzled surprise. Obviously all of these sessions had given her a picture of Jane despite the fact they'd never met because she asked, "He didn't try to talk to you then?"

"I…uh…I kind of ran off before he could," Lisbon admitted, ducking her chin down to her chest. "And I've been avoiding him every since."

"I see," Nancy said. It was the two words Lisbon hated because she knew she was making some conclusion that would result into an insight into her actions, usually not a favorable one. This was no exception. "You are avoiding him because you are afraid of him."

Lisbon's head snapped up. She stared at her for a moment and then let out a laugh. "Afraid of Jane? You've got to be kidding me."

"Not afraid of him in any physical sense, but in an emotional way, you are. You're afraid he is going to reject you. Consciously you believe this is the end of your friendship so you are preparing yourself for the inevitable."

It sounded like something Jane would say. She was always trying to defend herself, to protect her heart from getting hurt. So she put her iron walls up, hid behind her desk and her paperwork because there she was safe. There she was comfortable.

"I just don't see how it can go any other way," Lisbon said, "It's not like he feels the same."

"He told you that?" Nancy asked.

"No."

"Then what makes you think he doesn't?"

"It's Jane," Lisbon answered. It seemed like a reasonable enough answer.

"You don't think Jane is capable of those emotions?"

"No, I just don't think he could ever feel the same way about me," Lisbon admitted, speaking her secret thoughts aloud, "He was so in love with his wife…there's just no way."

"But he's never actually said this to you."

"No."

Nancy nodded again. "So all of this is merely supposition. You could be wrong, Teresa, he could just be trying to decide if both of you are ready for this next step."

Lisbon shrugged one shoulder. She wanted to believe her, but it just didn't seem at possible to her. Jane had nearly been broken by love once, the loss of Angela had almost killed him. There was just no way he could ever feel that same passion for anyone else, least of all her.

"You should try not to sell yourself so short," Nancy said, "Your father didn't abuse you because he didn't love you, that was his own pain. Your attacker didn't hurt you because you were unlovable, that was his own need for control and to prove himself strong. Jane could have feelings for you. After all, he's needed you just as much over the years as you need him now."

They were kind words, really. But what good were words? Nancy was supposed to be supportive, that was her job. But that didn't make what she said true, at least not all of it.

There was no use in denying it: Jane would try to save their friendship, but there was no way he could ever want more than that from her.

* * *

><p><em>It started out back outside the plaza. He didn't slam her up against the wall this time but grabbed her instead. She fought, but his hands were everywhere: pulling, punching, slapping, making it impossible to calculate his next move. She fought back just as hard, but his skin was made of stone, his bones unbreakable. It didn't cause her pain, just let her know she had no way of winning.<em>

_ But then she was free again. Instead of running to the alley, she found the door. It wasn't locked so she ran back into the ballroom. Everyone was still laughing, dancing, drinking. They were having a merry old time without noticing her mussed hair and torn dress. They brushed right past her without a care._

_ Lisbon looked for her team, called them all by name. Mostly she screamed for Jane but they were no where to be found. No body looked up at her shouts. The music had made them deaf._

He_ was still there._

_ He found her, pushed her down in the middle of dance floor and slammed his heavy body over hers. He was just a dark mass, no breath, no heart, just hands and lust. She screamed and fought, scratched and cried, but nobody saw her._

_ Women laughed throatily as they flirted with the waiters. Men brokered deals in black tuxedos. They joked, they danced, they poured champagne, and ignored the woman being raped in front of them. Lisbon screamed and screamed but nobody looked at her._

_ Nobody cared._

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo OoOoOoOoOoOoO_

She woke up screaming, just like she did every night. She was covered in sweat and her sheets were tangled up all around her because of her thrashing and fighting. Lisbon barely noticed this time. Her mind was on autopilot when she reached for the phone and dialed the number of the one person who could make her feel normal.

She didn't realize what she'd done until she heard Jane's voice. "Lisbon?"

Lisbon couldn't reply, a lump in her throat prevented her from speaking all she could do was breathe and quietly weep.

"Lisbon?" he asked again more urgently. This time a strangled sob escaped her lips and Jane knew exactly what was wrong. He sighed heavily. "You had a nightmare."

Like an imbecile she nodded her head even though he could not see her, she tried to wipe the tears away from her cheeks but more followed. She just kept crying and breathing, crying and breathing.

"Okay, I'm coming over," Jane declared.

That was when Lisbon finally found her voice. "No, you can't!"

"Why not?"

"You know why."

They were silent for several moments. All they could hear was each other's breathing as they both ached for something more. "I want to," he finally said softly.

"I know," she replied just as quietly, "I want you here too." She sniffled and brushed the tears away from her eyes. "But I have to do this on my own."

"No, you don't," he told her.

"I can't lean on you…not when it'll only hurt us both." He didn't say anything for a very long time and she felt her heart break at that response. In that moment she regretted everything that had led to them being so far apart now. "I never should have told you."

"Yes, you should have."

"No," she cut him off, "No, because I knew it would ruin everything. It's why I _never_ let myself think about it and why…" her voice broke a little, "…why I walked away after we danced."

She heard him breath heavily, as if he was having a hard time controlling his own emotions. "I should not have let you walk away that night."

"It was my decision."

"But I let you go," Jane pointed out, "I let you go because…I knew, and I didn't want to confront it either."

Lisbon sucked in a breath, she wasn't that surprised, she knew Jane must have felt that connection between them that night. But to hear him say made it all real. "You had no idea…_I_ had no idea what would happen."

"If I'd made you stay you wouldn't have been hurt."

"If I'd had the courage to talk to you then it wouldn't have happened either." She was determined not to let him blame himself, even if it was ultimately fruitless. Jane always put the blame on his shoulders.

They were quiet again, the conversation reaching a stalemate as both of them wanted to blame themselves and not the other for something that neither of them was at fault for. They really were alike sometimes.

"I don't like this," Jane told her, "I don't like not being able to help you."

"I hate it too."

"It doesn't have to be like this, I could be there, I could take care of you again."

"We can't pretend," Lisbon reminded him, "there is no way we will ever be able to get past what I feel."

"So are we just going to be awkward and distant from each other for the rest of our lives?"

"I don't know," she said, wiping away one stray tear. "I don't know what is going to happen…I guess it all depends on what you want…since you already know how I feel."

He sighed again. "You're right. I have to figure this out."

She nodded. "And until then…until then I have to do this alone."

"I don't like it."

"Neither do I." Lisbon sniffled again and sighed heavily. "Good night, Jane. I'll see you tomorrow."

Jane didn't speak, reluctant to end this conversation but he didn't know any way to keep it up. "Good night, Lisbon."

They both hung up and Lisbon buried her face in her pillow to cry again. This time she wasn't crying over her rape or any nightmares, rather it was the fact that her stupid heart had ruined everything. All she wanted was Jane.

And he was the one thing she couldn't have.

* * *

><p>Jane didn't sleep again after Lisbon's late night phone call. He spent the rest of night wrestling with everything that was happening. It was something he had avoided for years, a part of him had always seen this as inevitable but he'd wanted to put it off for as long as possible for the same reason she did. He hadn't wanted to ruin the relationship they already had.<p>

But there was no avoiding this and he couldn't run and hide as much as he wanted to. Lisbon had been the brave one; no surprise there, coming forward and admitting what she was feeling. When she'd offered up the theory that she was mistaking her feelings for gratitude over his help after her attack he'd had mixed emotions. One was disappointment, there was no denying that, and the other was relief because he could use that to keep their relationship intact.

But she'd squashed that by revealing what he'd already known, her feelings had begun long before her attack. The dance before her rape being the major exhibit proving her case.

That dance.

She said she couldn't get it out of her head and he was haunted by it too. Despite her protests, he knew he was ultimately responsible for letting Lisbon go to that alley and be raped. She had been confused about her feelings but he had known, he had known exactly what she felt and how he felt…but he'd let her go because he wanted to keep things the way they were.

There was the irony. By letting her go and the resulting attack he'd inadvertently led to everything changing between them.

So in the end, this rift between them really was all his fault.

But there was more to it then laying the blame down at his own feet. He couldn't be with her even he hadn't been ultimately responsible for her attack. There was more irony. She thought that he couldn't feel the same way when in actuality she was completely wrong. He felt more for her than she knew…but he couldn't be with her.

He was far too damaged, far too broken for the likes of her. She needed a prince, someone who was perfect and pure like her. Not someone who would only plunge her into darkness. Not someone like him.

And when she finally found that person he would support her, and hide the fact that he was dying inside.

So Jane made the decision to lie to her. It would break her heart but he wouldn't break _her_. That was the important thing.

But like everything, he put it off. He didn't want to hurt her right away. So he avoided her that morning, knowing that sometime soon he would have to do what he desperately didn't want to.

When he returned to the CBI from a quick lunch he was surprised to run into Virgil Minelli in the parking lot once more. It was certainly a feeling of déjà vu, the last time he'd seen the man had been when Lisbon was falling apart.

"Jane," Virgil said in greeting, the man was smiling so obviously he wasn't upset.

"Virgil," Jane replied, shaking his hand, "It's good to see you again, though I am curious why you are here."

"I just had lunch with Lisbon."

"Oh?"

He nodded, "It's been awhile and she called me up a couple of weeks ago wanting to set something up." Virgil smiled again, "she seems a lot better."

"She is," Jane explained, "she had to recognize who she wanted to be again. After that she picked herself up and she's been getting stronger ever since."

"So I've heard," Virgil said and then gave Jane a careful look. "I also heard that I have you to thank for that."

"I don't know about that," Jane replied with a shake of his head. "Lisbon was the one who decided to get better."

"Yes, but my friends in the bureau said that you were the one that has been watching out for her." Minelli pointed out.

Jane was reluctant to take any credit for Lisbon in this, especially with what he was about to do. "I've been doing what I could to help, but all credit goes to her."

Minelli wasn't a fool, he had been a good investigator in his day and he studied Jane carefully. "Is something happening between you two?"

Jane played this carefully. He smiled. "No, why would you think that?" he said it as if he really did find that thought amusing.

"Well when I asked her about you at lunch, Teresa got pretty quiet and mumbled something about how you were fine." Minelli pointed out, "Usually when I ask that question I get at least a twenty minute rant about the latest shenanigans you've pulled."

Jane winced. Lisbon really had to learn how to lie better.

"So what is going on?" Minelli asked again.

"Nothing."

But the man wasn't buying it and Jane couldn't blame him in that regard. He was quiet as he considered what to say next. "You know I wasn't an idiot when I worked here, I saw things but I kept my mouth shut. I saw that you two were a good team, and I knew that the both of you were stretching that line between professional and something else. I thought you were too damaged to ever do anything about it and I thought she was smart enough to know better…maybe I was wrong."

He turned his eyes back to Jane. "You've been spending a lot of time with her, helping her heal. We all owe you a debt for that, don't shortchange yourself there, you did something amazing and you should take credit for it. But obviously that included taking care of her, I don't know how you did it and I don't really want to know but obviously you became even closer when you were already joined at the hip. You're not a complete fool, you know where I am going with this."

Jane nodded his head. "Yes, I do."

"So…I'm right then?"

He considered lying but Jane also knew that there wasn't much of a point now. "Yes, you are."

Minelli sighed and shook his head. "God help her…and you, but mostly her."

That did make Jane smile a little.

"I'm not your boss anymore so I can say my peace," Minelli continued, "You two make an excellent team. She keeps you grounded and you actually make her smile, even as you make her life miserable, for some reason she seems to like the chaos you bring, I guess it's fun for her." Jane shrugged, he knew that already. "I think you are a selfish, egotistical jackass that doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as her…but I also know that no one cares for her as much as you do."

Jane looked up at him when he said that.

"You need her. You always have, you joined the CBI for revenge but you stayed for her. It's why you always go out of your way to protect her, why you never used her feelings for your own gain. You care about her…and now she needs you just as much as you need her. So prove me wrong, don't be a fool and hurt both of you."

Jane shook his head. "I wish it was that simple, but you said it yourself. I do not deserve her."

Minelli considered that and shrugged. "So what? You have been given a gift, do you really want to tear that down because you aren't sure you should have it?"

"And if I hurt her? I would lose her."

"You're going to lose her if you hurt her now," he pointed out, "you'll never be able to keep the relationship you have if you lie to her, no matter how delusional you are.

"But if you try…hell you might actually find something you haven't had in a long time: happiness." Minelli smiled now, "and who knows? Maybe she'll fix you up the same way you helped her."

He patted Jane's shoulder. "Prove me wrong, prove to me you aren't a complete idiot." The man was still smiling as he walked away.

Jane turned to watch him, to gape at him more likely.

Five minutes ago he'd been sure of his direction, even though he'd hated it. Now…now he wasn't.

If he did this he could hurt her. But maybe…maybe…

Maybe not.

* * *

><p>Lisbon wasn't sure if today was better or worse. She managed to spend most of the day not wondering about Jane but that was because she barely saw him at all. Before she'd at least seen him for some rather awkward moments where he'd try to initiate some conversation but now…now it looked like he was avoiding her too.<p>

She wasn't surprised. It had to happen this way. Jane was pulling away, trying to soften the blow for when he told her that she had to let go of her feelings and move on. He couldn't feel that way for her.

It stung. No, it killed, but she could live with it. They would probably be just as distant as they had been when he'd first started at the CBI, but maybe after a long, _long_ time they could find some friendly ground again.

She was ready to take her nightly sleeping pills and crash early. Pretending like her heart wasn't broken was exhausting. So what she didn't expect to find inside her apartment was Jane.

He was standing in the middle of her living room, smiling. She stood there in the doorway, too stunned to do anything else but gape at him. That's when he turned the music on. It was some classical tune that sounded familiar but she couldn't quite place it.

Now Lisbon stared at him like a second head had popped out from his neck and was telling corny knock knock jokes. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Asking for this dance."

Her jaw actually dropped. "What?"

Jane just smiled and walked over. He forced her to drop her briefcase onto the floor before he took her hand and led her over to the living room. He'd even moved her coffee table and chairs out of the way so they would have a small, but workable dance floor since it was just the two of them.

"I am going to do what I should have done that night," he said starting the first steps to the slow dance, "I'm not letting you go."

It was then that Lisbon realized just what song was playing on her stereo. It was the same song they'd danced to that night, the same slow dance that had stirred up her secret feelings and made her walk out the door that would change her life forever.

She could feel it all creeping up again: her heart pounding wildly in her chest, the blush filling her cheeks. He had to feel what was going on, but he just held her closer. Why? This was a mistake. This would only give her hope. Why was he torturing her like this?

Lisbon shook her head and took two steps back out of his arms. "No, Jane, we can't do this."

"Yes, we can."

"No. It's…it's wrong. You can't just rewrite what happened," Lisbon said, "and I can't take back what I said. I'm sorry, but I can't."

"I don't want you to," Jane said. He reached out and took her hand again. "I never want you to take back what you said."

She was still gazing at him with confusion but something else was filling her mind. She didn't recognize it right away, not as he was pulling her back into his warm embrace and starting the dance once again. But she found herself putting her head on his shoulder and letting him lead the way to the rhythm of the song that had started it all.

"Lisbon," he said her name softly, in almost a whisper. That was when she knew what she was feeling. Hope. She'd forgotten what it'd felt like.

Jane pulled away just enough so they were looking into each other's eyes again. And that was when she knew…that dance hadn't changed anything. It was this one.

A tear fell from her eye and rolled down the slope of her cheek. Jane bent down and kissed it away, his lips lingering on her skin. He drew away only a mere inch or so, his warm breath fanning across her face. And then he did the one think she never thought he would do.

He kissed her.

* * *

><p>AN: You now have our permission to squeal hehehe.

So what did you think? Was it worth the wait?

In the next chapter, Lisbon lays down the ground rules of their new relationship but Jane admits he's going to break them while the team tries to find out what is going on between them NOW. Later Jane and Lisbon try for some normalcy in the bedroom...but that has some surprising results and Jasper Wainwright makes a sudden reappearance...


	17. Missing Pieces

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Hey, this HAS to be a record for us. One week and we are updating! YAY! This chapter is so much fun and I'm sure all of you Jisbon fans will LOVE where this is going, but don't get too excited, there is still a rough rid a head of them.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: This chapter brings us back to Lisbon's struggle to heal, but in a different way. I just love Jane in this chapter. He is just so patient and understanding with Lisbon here. I think all of you will like it too.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Guest**: Hey, it's only been a week, our record is over a month LOL so this wasn't too long of a wait.

**Dodge1989**: Oh boy, wait until you read this chapter before deciding on a favorite hehehe

**Guest**: LOL glad you liked it

**Guest**: Well I hope someone dug you out in time to read this chapter! LOL, yes the kiss, the dance, all of that was fluffy sweet and there is more where that came from!

**Guest**: Awww thank you, we'll update Hope soon, I promise

**April**: Don't worry, here's the update LOL

**KrrdmN**: Oh WOW thanks so much for that! I hope you keep reviewing Lavinia though, while we love that you adore this story we also like letting you guys know how much we appreciate it. Thank you

**Guest**: Glad it was worth the wait LOL

**Squeee**: LOL you took our command literally, here's the update as promised

**Guest**: I know! Over 11 months for this moment, but hopefully it was well worth the wait LOL

**Nat**: *grins back* LOL thanks for reading.

And finally we would like to give a HUGE shout out to glindalovesshoes who made an AMAZING TRAILER for Lavinia! You can find a link on my profile or copy and past it from here and remove the spaces and the parenthesis. www . youtube . com (/) watch?v=hE3Z63yTx4s&feature=

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><p>Chapter 17: Missing Pieces<p>

Lisbon woke up the next morning with mixed feelings. She wanted to be happy and a big part of her was over the moon with joy…but another part of her was freaking out. She hadn't expected any of that and immediately after waking up she actually thought it was all a bizarre and wonderful dream. But it wasn't, it had been real.

Jane had surprised her in her home, danced with her in her living room and kissed her…_a lot. _They had kissed more than once that night, exchanging very few words but thoroughly enjoying each other's company. He had stayed with her all night, when she'd woken up in the middle of the night from another horrible dream; he'd been there once more. This time he'd kissed the images from her mind and lulled her back to sleep.

But he was gone in the morning and she wasn't all that sorry for it. She needed this time alone to figure out what was going on. He'd kissed her, he'd held her, he'd told her that he never wanted her to take back what she'd said to him.

He hadn't said he felt the same.

But he'd kissed her. Jane had _kissed_ her. That meant he felt something for her right?

Ugh she needed find out.

Lisbon took a quick shower, alternating between feeling giddy and happy to feeling anxious and afraid. Then she spent half an hour staring at her closet, she couldn't make up her mind over what to wear. She wanted to look great, wanted Jane to notice her, but she didn't want to look like she was _trying_ to get him to notice her.

In the end she chose a wine colored sleeveless blouse that brought out the color of her skin and set off her dark hair. She paired that with her skinny jeans, ones she _knew_ Jane had checked out her ass in several times. She topped it off with the leather jacket that any man appreciated.

She was extra careful with her makeup, making sure everything was perfect and redoing her mascara three times before finally being satisfied with it. When she was finally done primping she realized that she was running late. Then it was a mad dash for her keys and briefcase before speeding all the way to the CBI.

The rest of the team was already in the bullpen when she finally made it. Lisbon tried to act casual even as her heart was racing. She met Jane's eyes the second she walked in and his gaze held her captive. He was smiling at her, that made her heart beat faster.

"Hey, boss," Rigsby said in greeting, he was obviously curious why she was late. "Everything okay?"

"What?" Lisbon asked, it took a moment for his question to register; she was still looking at Jane. "Oh, yeah, everything is fine."

She looked over to see that Cho, Rigsby and Grace were all giving her odd looks. It was no small wonder why. She was breathless, late and…smiling. Why couldn't she stop smiling?

"Um we'll have to wait and see if a case comes up, you guys know what to do till then." She sounded strange, distracted; even she could hear that in her voice. But she didn't care. "Uh, Jane, can I see you in my office?"

Jane was still smiling at her, he didn't appear nervous in the least. "Of course."

He followed her to her office where she was glad for some reason that she'd closed the blinds the night before. Now no one would see their conversation, because that was it. They were just going to talk.

No kissing.

Jane shut the door behind them and turned to look at her. They stared at each other; his eyes were bright and shining with something that looked very much like happiness. Was she the reason for that?

"You're smiling," she told him and then felt stupid for saying it.

"So are you," he replied simply.

She was and there was no way she could get rid of it even if she'd wanted to. "So…last night?"

"Yes?"

"We kissed."

Jane gave her an amused look. "So we did."

"Jane," she repeated, "we _kissed_."

"I was there," he reminded her. Now he was grinning, that sexy Cheshire grin that made her desperately want to kiss him again.

"Okay," Lisbon said, she should be frustrated with him since he was being deliberately obtuse…but she couldn't feel anything but that strange excited fluttering in her stomach at the moment. "Why?"

He took a few steps toward her, with ever step her heart quickened. "Why did I kiss you?"

Now that he was so close her tongue felt glued to the bottom of her mouth. All she could do was nod while her blood rushed through her veins.

Jane smiled down at her, so close she could feel the warmth of his breath on her face. "I kissed you because I wanted to."

"But why…?"

He stopped her and put a finger to her lips. "Lisbon, I kissed you because I wanted to. I intend to kiss you again and again. Many times in the future in fact, so you are just going to have to get used to it."

He removed his finger from her lips and instead cupped her cheek his hand. She reached up and covered it with her own before pulling away and threading her fingers through his. "So does this mean that we are…together?"

Now he laughed and shook his head in amusement. "Was there any doubt? Or do you just need me to say it?" He looked her deep in the eyes, "I want to be with you, Teresa. That's why I kissed you last night, and why I want to kiss you right now. Is that all right?"

Lisbon was barely breathing at that moment but somehow she managed to say. "Yes." He smiled and leaned down to do just that but then she pulled away, "Wait, no."

Jane actually groaned and hung his head in mock disappointment.

"We can't do this," Lisbon told him. "I mean, we can and I want to. I want to do this just not…_here_. Does that make sense?"

"No." He told her honestly, still trying to get close to her once more.

But she took another step away. "If we are going to do this…"

"No if," Jane corrected her, "we _are_ going to do this."

"Okay, _since_ we are going to do this, we have to lay down some rules."

Jane raised his eyebrows, clearly surprised by her words. "You cannot be serious."

"Of course I am," Lisbon explained, "this is a serious thing. We work together, we have to establish clear boundaries between our personal relationship and our working one."

He still looked amused. "Fine, what _boundaries_ are you going to set?"

She took in a breath and nodded. "Okay, first of all we cannot let anyone know that we are together."

"Why not?"

"We are on the same team," Lisbon reminded him, "It'll look bad. Granted, since you are a consultant that means we technically aren't breaking any rules but I doubt Bertram would care."

Jane grinned and narrowed his eyes at her. "Since 'I'm a consultant'…meaning you looked this up."

"No," Lisbon lied badly.

"Yes you did," he teased.

"I looked over the rules when Rigsby and Van Pelt first started giving each other the lovesick puppy dog eyes and I just happened to notice that the rules clearly state that _agents_ on the same team cannot date, it doesn't mention consultants," Lisbon explained, "I didn't look it up for me personally."

But Jane wasn't buying her lie in the least. "Keep trying, my dear. But I still know when you are lying."

"It doesn't matter if I looked it up," Lisbon finally declared, "we still can't tell anyone."

"Okay," Jane said, "we won't tell anyone, but I have a feeling that the team will find out anyways."

"No they won't."

"Yes, the will," he told her, "eventually they are going to wonder about us, especially since you can't stop smiling."

"I know what you are doing," Lisbon said pointedly.

"You do?" Jane asked, stepping closer, his voice was low and husky.

"Uh huh, you are trying to distract me," she replied. "It isn't going to work. We still have more rules to set."

He groaned again. "All right, what is the second rule?"

She eyed him, waiting to see if he'll make another move at her. "We can't kiss at work."

"What?"

"You can't touch me either."

"Now you are asking way too much."

"I'm serious, Jane." Lisbon told him firmly, "We have to remain professional which means we leave all of the romantic stuff at home. No kissing, touching, making suggestive comments, _nothing_."

Jane raised an eyebrow and then nodded his head. "Is that all?"

She thought about it for a moment. "Yeah, that's all."

He took a step towards her again. "You do realize that by setting these rules you are only making me more determined to break them."

She knew he was right about that. Jane hadn't found a rule yet that he hadn't felt the need to break. "Yes, but this way I have the satisfaction of telling you 'no'."

"That's fine," Jane told her, grinning in that sexy predator way. "That means _I _get the satisfaction of turning every one of those 'no's' into a 'yes'."

Lisbon shook her head. "That won't happen?"

He stood in front of her now, not touching her but was so close that she could feel the warmth from his skin. "You think so?"

"Yes."

Jane grinned. "Oh, woman. You never should have said that." He didn't give her time to think about that, he simply leaned down and kissed her.

He was a master at this, she'd learned that the night before. His lips were perfect, full and soft, teasing her in a way that she felt right down to her toes. It took her a second to realize that Jane was already breaking her rules. She turned her head away. "No," she told him firmly

But she felt his smile against her skin and he began a soft trail of kisses up to her ear.

"No," she told him again, it wasn't as firm this time and she gasped softly as his tongue traced the delicate shell of her ear, then he gently nibbled on the lobe.

Now he pressed his lips to her throat, finding the soft flesh there and nipping at her racing pulse. Her blood was racing through her veins and she felt that heat spread all through her body. "No?" she said again but this time it wasn't certain at all.

When he found that one sensitive spot she was a goner. "Yes," she moaned and she felt his smirk before he claimed her lips once more. Then he pulled her down onto the couch to make sure she repeated that particular word several times.

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Twenty minutes later both of them were flushed and their clothes were rumpled from the heavy make out session on her couch. The team noticed that both of them were smiling when they exited her office and while Jane looked very smug, Lisbon simply looked dazed.

What the hell was going on?

* * *

><p>Grace had sent them all a message asking to meet at the bar when they got the chance. However, she was late but Rigsby and Cho were on time. In the brief amount of time before Jane arrived they agreed to full out interrogate him. Unfortunately for them both, Jane saw their intentions right away.<p>

"Nothing," Jane said the moment he sat down.

"What?" Rigsby asked.

"Just answering your questions ahead of time."

"Don't be coy," Cho said without missing a beat, "What's going on?"

"Like I said, nothing."

"Come on, Jane," Rigsby said, using his friendly manner like he sometimes did to warm up a suspect, "Yesterday you two could barely look at each other and today everything is fine again. Something happened."

Well they weren't fools, but he knew that already. He couldn't deny the fact that things had definitely changed between him and Lisbon. So it would be some cleverly fibbery to keep them on the wrong track.

"Lisbon was going through a difficult problem," Jane said, "I finally got her to open up and after some searching, we solved it and now everything's okay again."

Rigbsy nodded. "Well that's good."

Jane knew Cho wasn't so easily appeased. "Why won't you give us any details?"

"Lisbon told me not to," Jane said. A bit of truth always helped to seal belief in a larger lie.

"Why?"

"Because it's Lisbon."

"If nothing happened then she wouldn't care if we knew so something big happened. What is it?"

Jane grinned back at Cho. Apart from Lisbon, he was perhaps his best match on the team. He wasn't so easily fooled. "Sorry, Cho, but I need to respect her wishes here."

"Jane, we're just worried about her," Rigsby said.

"I know," he said with a nod, "But she's fine, I promise. I never lied to you when she was otherwise. She's not slipping back. She's getting stronger. That's all you need to know."

"That's not all we want to know," Cho countered.

Jane smiled and shook his head. "Well you know we all can't get what we want, otherwise we'd be greedy bastards."

The interrogation ended swiftly when Grace finally arrived. She had a file tucked under her arm and her cheeks were red from exertion and some of her red hair was falling from her bun. Jane guessed whatever was in that file had taken longer than she'd expected so she'd rushed to the bar as fast as she could.

"Sorry I'm late," she said, "the lab kept me waiting."

"Lab?" Rigsby said.

"Yeah, I got an idea a couple of days ago," she said, placing the file on the table, "It might not help us find a suspect, but it might help us narrow the list a bit more."

"What will do that?" Jane asked.

"I sent the DNA too the lab to have it tested to see if the suspect is a secretor," Grace said.

"Aren't all men?" Jane quipped.

"Not that," she said with a brief scowl, "A secretor of antigens, what determines a person's blood type."

"And?" Cho asked.

"He is," Grace said with a nod and handed him the file, "The suspect has type A positive blood."

They passed around the file for a bit, Jane just glancing at the legal stuff since it wasn't all that important to begin. He did flash Grace a smile for her clever thinking.

"Thirty-three percent of the population has type A blood," Rigsby reminded her.

"It's more than we had before," she said.

"She's right," Jane added for her defense, "It may be small, but it's a good start. Blood types are on file for agencies, right?"

"Right," Cho said.

"Well, for the ones that are still on the list, we can check them and see which ones are type A."

"I already did that," Grace said and produced a revised edition of the suspect list. "We have nine with confirmed type A blood. The seven others on the list I couldn't find a blood type for."

"That leaves us with sixteen suspects," Cho did the math quickly.

Jane openly beamed at her now. "Grace, you just cut our suspect list in half."

"It's still a lot of names," she pointed out.

"But we're getting closer. That's all that counts."

Sixteen men were still on the list. One of them was the rapist. One of them would pay.

* * *

><p>The first week into their relationship Lisbon was as happy as she'd ever been. She was certain that everything was going right and that there was nothing that could stand in between them. It was the same euphoria that came at the beginning of all relationships. They had a routine; he'd come over after work and stay through the night. They'd kiss quite a bit, some heavy make out sessions on her couch. And he'd hold her when she had her nightmares; it was a nearly perfect first week.<p>

By the second week some doubt had crept in when she realized that things were staying the same as they did the first week.

In the third week she wondered what was wrong with them. Why hadn't they gone any further? It was impossible for her to erase these doubts and it was starting to get to her.

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Like most of the time, Lisbon regretted listening to Jane almost immediately. She didn't know what he thought he would find by staking out outside of Monica Garringer's home and following her around all day but Lisbon was frustrated and bored straight. She let out a long sigh and rolled her head back up against the headrest. "Nothing is happening."

Jane just smiled. "Patience, when will you learn to be patient?"

"Why won't you just tell me what we are looking for?"

"When we follow Monica than you will see."

She glared at him. "Right now all I see is her house. So unless you want to examine how she prunes her bushes, I say we should leave and see what Cho and Rigsby have found."

"Or we could stay here, exercise a little patience, and solve the case." With that Jane flashed her his megawatt smile and Lisbon had the sudden urge the slap him silly…as well as kiss him senseless. Damn him for having that smile, it really was not fair at all.

Lisbon decided to pout instead, taking a sip of her coffee and staring straight out the window. "How long are we supposed to wait?"

"As long as it takes."

She leaned back into her seat and heaved a sigh; apparently she was going to be stuck in this car for a while. She supposed there were worse things to do in life and she was already spending practically every free moment with Jane anyways. Why not indulge him in this? Besides, he was going to be right, like always.

The view from her car window was mundane and didn't hold her interest, instead her mind wandered towards the man who was sitting next to her. Things between her and Jane were going really well, a part of her kept waiting for the other shoe to drop but it hadn't happened yet. For years she had tried to convince herself that being in a relationship with Jane would be a mistake, which was probably why she still found it hard to believe that is exactly what they were doing.

When she had told him that she had feelings for him, Lisbon had assumed that her friendship with Jane was effectively over. He'd never shown any romantic interest with anyone for as long as she'd known him, she hadn't expected him to change his mind for her. But that slow dance in her living room followed by their sensual kiss had been his own declaration. Now it was becoming normal for Jane to come over to her home after work where they would spend the evenings together usually talking or watching TV and always kissing some more.

They did that a lot actually, but nothing more.

That was what had been bothering Lisbon for the past few days. She and Jane had been 'a couple' at least in secret, for a few weeks now. They'd known each other for eight years before that. They should have seen each other naked by now, but so far Jane had never tried to progress their physical relationship any further.

Lisbon had a feeling that the problem was her.

It had been over six months since she had been raped; Jane had lived through her fight to get over it more than anyone else. She knew that the bond that had forged between them came from that fight, probably the one good thing to come from her attack. But she couldn't help but wonder now what Jane saw when he looked at her. Was her rape what he thought about? Did he not want to be with her because she had been _used_? Or maybe he was just trying to be careful or waiting for her to make a move? This was just so hard because she never had any idea what he was thinking.

With Jane there was only one way to find out. She had to ask him.

But what was she supposed to say? 'Hey Jane why haven't we had sex yet' was not going to cut it. She would have to be tactful with this. She just had no idea how.

"Is something wrong?"

Lisbon whirled around to face him; he was watching her intently. Obviously he had read her face and could tell that something was on her mind. "I was just thinking," she said lamely.

"That's a good thing, a sure sign that you are not brain dead."

Okay, she deserved that one.

There really was no point in lying to Jane. It was time to bite the bullet, so to speak. "Jane," she turned in her seat a little so she was facing him. "This thing we are doing…our relationship." Damn this was hard. "It's good, I mean I think it's good, do you think it's good?"

Jane's eyes were sparkling with amusement and surprise. "Do I think our relationship is good?"

"Well do you think it's going good?"

He opened his mouth as if to speak and then covered it with one hand, as if trying to suppress a laugh. "You're losing me."

Lisbon let out a frustrated groan and actually rested her forehead against the steering wheel for a moment. She heard Jane let out a small chuckle and she had to admit this was all a little silly. "Look," she said, straightening up, "What I'm trying to say is that I really do like what we are doing. What's happening between us…well it's better than I expected."

"Oh?" Jane asked with a proud smirk, yep she'd inadvertently given his ego a boost there.

"What I meant was that we both aren't very good with relationships, we have our own personal issues, but…we're doing well."

Jane nodded his head in agreement. "But there is something that is bothering you."

"I'm happy with our situation, really." She tried to assure him, she didn't want him to believe that she wanted out. "Seriously, this is great. So great. Really, really great and I…" Lisbon's voice trailed off as she realized she had just used the word 'great' three times in a row and Jane was giving her that same grin that said he was trying very hard not to laugh. "You're thinking that I sound like a complete idiot."

"Actually I was thinking that you are adorable when you blush." And he smiled knowingly.

Lisbon's cheeks flushed an even deeper red and she ducked her head down both embarrassed and touched by his words. Jane reached over and took her hand, gently caressing the skin of her knuckles with his thumb. "Just tell me what it is."

She took in a deep breath and released. "I think we should take our relationship to the next level."

"The next level," he repeated as if he didn't know what she was talking about.

Her frustration reached a fever pitch and she really didn't want to play the guessing game with Jane. So she just blurted it out. "I want to have sex."

The height that Jane's eyebrows flew up told her that she'd said it just a little too loudly.

"Now?" he asked with something of a smirk.

Lisbon rolled her eyes, "No not _now_." Although she had to admit to herself, the idea was not unappealing. But they were supposed to be on a stakeout and they were in a car on a public street. She sighed again. "I just think that if we are going to have something of a normal relationship then maybe we should do…normal things." She looked down at her lap, "Unless you don't want to." He looked surprised by her words again so she explained further. "I want you to be comfortable with this."

Jane smiled and shook his head, "_You_ are worried that _I _might be uncomfortable about this?"

Lisbon didn't know why that was so amusing to him. "I know it has been a while for you." Okay, that was a big understatement but they both decided to ignore that. Then the truth spilled out again. "And maybe you find it hard to do something like that with me because…because of what happened."

Jane's eyes grew serious at the last point. He wasn't finding this funny anymore. Lisbon looked away but he turned her head back towards him. "Hey, listen to me. What happened to you doesn't make you any less desirable to _anyone_, least of all me."

"So you don't think it's weird that I want to do this?"

He chuckled again. "We are in a relationship, and in this kind of setting, intimacy is a natural progression. I didn't start this with you blind, I knew that we would cross this bridge eventually…so to speak."

She smiled now. "So you want to do this."

But Jane didn't say yes. When his eyes met hers they were filled with concern. "I want to make sure that you are ready for this."

"Why wouldn't I be?" Jane gave her a look that told her the answer was obvious. Okay so it made sense that he would be thinking this after she had been raped, but Lisbon knew she could do this. "I'm ready for this. I know it. I mean from the beginning I felt comfortable with you. We've kissed a lot now and you've even slept in my bed, I don't see how this will be any different."

Jane didn't look all that convinced. "Lisbon, this isn't quite the same thing."

"But we'll never know if we don't try," She pointed out quickly.

He mulled over that for a moment before nodding his head. "You're right."

Now she smiled again at him, "So…do you want to try _tonight_?"

Jane took her hand again and leaned in closer, a small smile on his face told her everything she needed to know. "Yes, I would."

Lisbon broke one of her rules but she couldn't help it. She leaned over and kissed him softly. She just knew that this was going to be good, that she was finally going to put the attack behind her.

They stayed like that for a while, just teasing each other with their lips, their hands still clasped together. But the sound of an engine starting up broke the spell and Jane pulled away. "She's moving," he pointed to Monica's car, which was pulling out of the driveway.

"Right, back to work," Lisbon said, slightly dazed. She couldn't stop smiling even as she followed the suspect. Her lips were still tingling from their little stolen moment. Jane was a damn good kisser.

She couldn't wait to see what else he was good at.

* * *

><p>Lisbon's nerves were high as the minutes of the day slowly ticked away. Tonight was going to be The Night with Jane. It was weird. For days she had agonized over whether or not he actually wanted to sleep with her, now that they were, she was afraid. She didn't know why though, suddenly she was all self-conscious. What if he didn't like…<em>her<em>?

Jane insisted on cleaning up after their shared meal of Chinese take-out, practically shooing her away. She wondered if he was doing the gentlemanly thing and letting her get "comfortable". Almost like the bridegroom on the wedding night.

A fitting description actually. She was kind of feeling like a virgin all over again, all fluttery feelings and nerves.

She quietly crept upstairs to her bedroom and just stared at her bed for a few moments. _"This is stupid!_" she told herself _"you have done this before!"_

_ "Not with Jane."_

_ "Jane is a guy, like any guy once you get started he's ensured to have a good time."_ Somehow that didn't seem like Jane though. Throughout their friendship and now romantic relationship, Jane had always had a way to putting her needs first. He wasn't going to be one of those men that tried to be all dominant or selfish in bed. Jane was unique.

He was the kind of man who would know what to do…probably because he knew what she was thinking. Translating that…he would know exactly how to make this good for her too. There was no doubt there, Jane was so good at everything, he had to be good at this.

This was going to be amazing.

Lisbon rushed over to the bureau and rummaged around in the drawer that contained her sleep clothes. Beneath the oversized shirts and plaid pajama pants was one lacy negligee. She'd gotten it years ago and could count the times she'd worn it on one hand. That said a lot about her sex life and none of it was good. But the negligee was black and lacy and barely covered her assets; basically it was just the sort of thing any guy would appreciate.

She still felt nervous as she undressed and slipped the provocative slip of fabric on. Maybe it was overkill resorting to sexy lingerie but she wanted this to be special for the both of them. She wanted Jane to see that she was trying to make him happy too.

She was contemplating whether or not to light some candles, and if she actually had any candles to light when she heard Jane's footsteps on the stairs. Lisbon turned around just in time to see Jane in her doorway and catch the expression on his face when he saw what she was wearing.

Jane's eyes were wide and his mouth slightly open as he took in the sight in front of him. She hoped his silence was a good thing. He finally took a couple of steps into the room and perused her a little more. "As much as I love this look…you don't have to do this for me," He told her sweetly.

"I wanted to," she told him, staying where she was but she could feel her heart pounding against her ribs.

He stepped closer to her so that he was practically up against her but they still weren't touching. Jane scrutinized her form with a very methodical gaze, it made Lisbon shiver the way his eyes were such a dark and stormy blue.

Then he leaned over so that she could feel his warm breath hitting her ear. "This thing," he whispered and ran one fingertip over the strap, tracing her collarbone with a feather light caress, "is a sin."

She smiled and turned her head so that their lips were scant millimeters apart. "Well according to you, you're going to hell anyways."

Jane grinned at her teasing words before finally closing the distance between them. Their lips met in a hungry kiss, one that clearly foreshadowed what they both desired. This felt perfect, Jane's taste was even headier than any kind of drug or intoxicant.

Lisbon reached up to carefully undo the buttons on Jane's shirt and vest. Her fingers seemed to have lost their dexterity since she was still nervous. Of course Jane's teasing touch over her shoulders and the column of her neck didn't help either. Finally she was able to rid him of his vest and unbuttoned his shirt completely.

With a grin Lisbon ran her hands over the firm muscles of his chest, secretly delighting in the sharp gasp at her touch. She'd always known that Jane had good body, but now it was all hers to play with. She couldn't stop herself from pressing her lips to the spot where his neck and chest met.

Jane pulled away so that she was looking into his eyes again. "You're a tease," he told her with a smile before kissing her thoroughly once more. Once she was good and dazed from his passion he actually lifted her up and placed her on the bed. She waited with anticipation as he shed his shirt before joining her. Everything was perfect.

Their lips met again but now Jane's hands began to roam over her form, cupping her breasts over the lacy fabric. This was the first time he'd ever touched her like this and now…now something was wrong. Her heart thudded in her chest but it wasn't from nerves or passion but something else.

He slipped his hand underneath the negligee so he could feel her bare skin but that only made things worse. His touch was gentle but other thoughts flashed through her mind. Another man's rough and cruel hands tearing at her clothes, bruising her skin. Another man had her pinned beneath him no matter how hard she'd fought, sinking his teeth into her shoulder like an animal and his prey. Another man had hurt her so that he could force her legs apart and have his way with her, no matter how hard she'd cried.

Things weren't perfect anymore.

Now she was panicking. She turned her head away from him. "Jane, please. We have to stop," she said, her voice was small and frightened, "I can't…"

Jane quickly rolled away from her, being careful not to touch her. She needed a moment to herself but for some reason that made things worse. She couldn't stop herself from crying now and she covered her face with her hands. "I'm sorry," she told him and continued to cry.

Now he reached over and pulled her against him. "Oh no, this is okay. It's all right."

"No it's not!" she protested, angry with herself for not being able to do what they both wanted.

He gently rolled her over onto her other side so that she was facing him and took her hands away from her face. Now she had to meet his eyes again. "Lisbon, it's okay. You aren't ready yet and that's fine. This doesn't change anything between us, I promise."

His words were sweet and lessened the pain of her failure. But she was still upset. She buried her face in his chest and continued to cry while Jane held her close once more. He was right; things hadn't changed.

And that was the problem.

* * *

><p>Lisbon was every inch the professional but even she couldn't always hide her bad moods from the team. Jane knew when something was frustrating her, usually because he was to blame, but also because that was when she'd start barking orders or get snippy over little things.<p>

When she got frustrated over Rigsby turning in a report five minutes after he said he would, Jane knew she was still very much upset over what had happened the night before.

He'd been prepared for it, though he had been disappointed that Lisbon wasn't ready. He had a feeling she wasn't quite as prepared as she'd assumed. Now she was angry and taking it out on everyone else.

"What did you do?" Cho asked him point blank eventually.

It amused Jane that they automatically assumed that he was to blame. "I assure you, her ire is not because of me."

"Yeah right."

"I swear."

Neither of them looked convinced. "Then what is wrong with her?" Rigsby asked.

Jane didn't say anything, but kept his eyes focused on Lisbon's office. "It's not your concern," he told them honestly. "I'll talk to her."

They probably assumed it had something to do with Lisbon's recovery, they were right of course. They just didn't know that it had a far more intimate connotation than anything their minds were conjuring up.

Lisbon was in her office, standing by her desk and angrily sorting through files. He decided to warn her by knocking, mostly because he didn't want her to throw one of her paperweights at him. She whirled around as soon as she heard him. "What do you want?"

He raised an eyebrow at the tone and quickly closed the door; he knew that this conversation was not supposed to be heard by anyone else. "My, my, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"I don't want to talk about my bed."

"That's a shame. I like your bed, it's comfortable, it has a very nice mattress although the bedspread print is a little plain."

Lisbon gave him that look she reserved for when she thought he was sounding insane. "Stop talking about my bed."

"You brought it up." She glared at him and he took a step towards her, now getting serious. "You're upset."

"I'm fine."

"You're taking it out on the team."

"No, I'm not."

"They are wondering what is wrong," Jane told her honestly, "they are worried about you."

"And what did you tell them?"

"Nothing of course," he assured her. He stepped towards her and put a hand on her shoulder. "Why don't you tell me what is wrong."

"You already know."

"Maybe…maybe not."

She threw down a folder with a heavy thud. "I'm frustrated, Jane! _Sexually_ frustrated!"

He hadn't been expecting her to be _that_ honest. "Okay, this is going to be an interesting conversation." When Lisbon started ranting, nothing in this world could stop her.

"I should be happy!" she shouted, "I should be relaxed and smiling and blissful after having the best sex of my life!"

He raised an eyebrow at that. "Well, you're not putting too much pressure on me," he quipped. He knew she was exaggerating…hopefully.

"But I'm not!" Lisbon continued, "I'm tense, and frustrated and…" she threw down another file "_mad!_" She took a deep breath now as some of that anger was finally released. Then she covered her face with her hands. "This was not how it was supposed to be this morning."

Jane pulled her into his arms now that she was calmer, turning her around so that she was facing him. "It's okay."

"Why couldn't I do it?" She asked, "I don't understand it."

"You aren't ready."

"Yes I am!"

He smiled and smoothed the hair away from her face. "You shouldn't be upset or ashamed, it just means that you need more time."

"But I want this," Lisbon said, "I want to have a real relationship, I want to be normal again," then she shook her head and groaned. "I really just want to have sex."

Jane couldn't help but chuckle a little. "I know," he told her softly and then kissed the tip of her nose, "I want it too…but I want you to be ready."

"When will that be?"

He shrugged and sighed a little. "I don't know, Teresa. But you say you want this and you tend to get what you want."

"Nope, that's you."

He grinned at that. "Well I want this too, which means that we are in an agreement." He looked into her eyes. "It's going to happen, it'll just take a little time."

Lisbon didn't look quite as sure as he did but at least she wasn't angry anymore. Finally she nodded her head. "Okay," she said softly.

Jane smiled and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. "Now, why don't I let the rest of the team know that you haven't turned into Commodore Lisbon?"

"What?"

"They'll want to know that it is safe again," he explained with a cheeky smile.

Lisbon glared at him and grabbed one of her paperweights while he made a dash for the door. She was feeling better; well that was something at least.

* * *

><p>The case they were working on took them to a five star restaurant in Napa. Lisbon hadn't thought about it almost being a romantic getaway for her and Jane when she'd assigned for them both to go. It wasn't really, not since they were there for a case. But still, it was nice to be alone with him without the rest of the team keeping them from sharing secret smiles.<p>

"I'm sorry about my meltdown earlier," Lisbon said once they'd reached Napa's limits.

"You were due for one," Jane teased with a smile, "They are cathartic and you're always so tense. A good meltdown releases all of that tension."

"_Depends on the tension,_" she thought to herself. Because of what had happened the previous night, Lisbon was more determined than ever to get back on that horse…metaphorically, of course.

"So, uh, are you coming over tonight?"

"If you want me to," he said.

"I do," she assured him.

"Then I will." He didn't seem surprised by it and that made her glad. He knew she always wanted him there, that she was glad they were finally together.

"We can try again," she said, "I want to try again."

Jane stared out at the road, sucking in a breath through his teeth. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

She rolled her eyes. "I know I freaked the other night, but I want to do this. I do, I swear I do."

"Wanting and being ready are two different things," Jane said.

"I'm ready."

"I'm not so sure."

He was just trying to help her and his patience did touch her deeply. She was glad he was willing to wait for as long as she needed but she didn't need to. She knew it. She was ready for this. She had to be.

"I am," she insisted, "It's like a band-aid, I just to need to rip it off and then I'll be as good as new."

Jane let out a mirthless chuckle and shook his head. "Teresa, this isn't a skinned knee. You can't tear the band-aid off of psychological pain, believe me I've been there. It festers and grows in secret and you don't realize how wounded you are until you stumble upon it. I think that's what happened. You think you're better, but you're not. You still need time to heal."

"I've had time," she said, "I've healed."

"You're still having nightmares every single night. You are getting better, Teresa, but you're not healed."

Lisbon glanced back at him. "When?" she challenged, "When will I be healed?"

Jane gave her an apologetic smile and shrugged. "It'll take time. I think you'll know it when you are."

That sounded like his charlatan crap to her. If Jane couldn't be helpful in that regard then she was determined to get through this on her own. She would tackle this like every problem before: dive into it head on.

They spent the rest of the drive talking about trivial things. Despite the poor direction their conversation went initially, Lisbon was certain Jane still intended to see her that night. And she still intended to get him into bed. He might protest at first, but he was a guy. They tended to shut up once the clothes all came off.

Their interview was with the owner of the restaurant. He answered all of their questions promptly and agreed to keep in touch if he remembered anything useful. Lisbon thought the interview was over, but Jane had that look in his eye. Yep, he'd noticed something and nope he wasn't going to tell her. Story of their relationship.

"We really should stick around for dinner," Jane said, "I've heard they have a mushroom puttanesca that's to die for."

"We'll get a sandwich on the way back," Lisbon said.

"But we're at a restaurant now."

"I prefer places that don't have five of each utensil," she replied with a grin.

"Fair enough."

She was ready to get back to their car and return to Sacramento so she could rip off that band-aid. Fate decided to have fun on her account.

"Teresa?"

Lisbon whirled around at the sound of her first name. She stifled a groan when she saw the familiar jack-o-lantern smile of Jasper Wainwright. He stood up from his table and blocked her exit. "How lovely to see you again," he said, holding out his hand.

His palm was hot and moist as she shook it. "Mr. Wainwright," she said in greeting.

"It's Jasper, remember."

"Yes, what a surprise to find you here. Jane and I were here on a case."

"Oh well I hope you're not shutting this place down," he said, "It's my favorite restaurant."

"Nothing to fear, we're not the health department," Jane said.

"You really should stay for dinner," Jasper said, his eyes directed at Lisbon entirely, "I'd enjoy the pleasure of your company again. I was interrupted that night at the ball."

"Yes, how is your tuxedo?" Jane asked. Lisbon was actually surprised by how icy the words sounded.

"I sent it out for dry cleaning," Jasper replied. He only briefly glanced at Jane when he spoke to him. He was entirely enraptured by Lisbon and she didn't like it one bit. She knew his type. Oh sure they could be fun, but they were like wolves. Once they caught their prey, the thrill was gone and it was time for something new to sink their teeth into.

"Look, Jasper, I'm afraid we must be going," Lisbon said.

She managed to get a step away, but then Jasper clamped a hold on her wrist to stop her. She let out a soft gasp in surprise. Her skin crawled at the contact.

"Please don't go, just have a drink with me."

Lisbon was glad when Jane stepped in, putting a hand on her shoulder to gently draw her aside. "We're on duty," Jane said, "Frankly I wouldn't mind the drink, but its against regulations and Lisbon is very strict about those."

Jasper still smiled at her. "Some other time then. I won't take no for an answer."

"Really?" Jane questioned, "Then you must be the most pampered man in existence." Only Jane would deliver a clever insult with a smile.

And judging by the look in Jasper's eye, he realized he was being mocked. Lisbon grabbed Jane's arm and tugged him away. "We really have to be going. It was nice seeing you again, Jasper."

"Ta ta," Jane called back with a wave while she yanked him along, "Careful, Lisbon, my arm is attached to my shoulder," he said.

"What was _that_?" she hissed once they were outside.

"A joke of course. You know my arm is connected to me."

"You know what I meant, Jane, what the hell was that with Jasper?"

Jane stiffened just a bit. "Just reminding him he's a mere mortal like all of the rest of us."

"You do realize he's our boss's brother, right?"

"I noticed they shared the same nose, yes."

"Then why did you insult him like that?"

Jane shrugged. "He's an ass."

"Of course he's an ass," she said with a roll of her green eyes, "He's a gazillionair with an ego the size of Texas. You should know, you have one the size of Canada."

"I don't know about Canada," Jane said, "Alaska maybe."

She let out a sigh. "Look, I know you were trying to help, but I could handle him."

"He had no right to look at you like you were a piece of meat," Jane said with a bite to his words, "He didn't even ask if you were seeing anyone. He just assumed you'd throw yourself at his feet with just one wink."

"Yeah well, he's not exactly Einstein," Lisbon said, "And it's not like I was tempted or…" She let her words die when she got a really good look at what was brewing in Jane's eyes. His words came back to her about Jasper not asking about her relationship status. Now she smiled brightly at Jane. "You're jealous."

"No I'm not," he said right away.

"Yes you are, you didn't like that some other guy was trying to ask me out right in front of you."

"It's not the first time that's happened," he reminded her.

"It is since we've been together," she said, "And you didn't like it."

"I don't like _him_," Jane insisted, pointing back in the direction of the restaurant, "I never did. He's an arrogant prick who thinks he can get everything he wants."

"Takes one to know one."

He grinned back at her. "I don't delusion my self into thinking I can get everything I want…most things, but not everything."

"You were still jealous," she said.

"I was not," he insisted, "I don't get jealous."

Lisbon just grinned, taking a step forward so she could gently press her lips to his. It was just a soft kiss, a promise that she was quite happy with her present company and had no desire whatsoever to seek greener pastures. "I wasn't tempted," she promised him, "I've acclimated to your ego, I don't think I could take his."

"I'm just a better master at seduction than him," Jane teased.

Lisbon rolled her eyes at him. "You keep telling yourself that, Jane."

"You know I'm right."

"Uh huh," she said dryly as she pulled out her keys to unlock the car, "And yet the master was still brought down by the green-eyed monster."

"I wasn't jealous," Jane said again.

"Were too."

The argued the point until they pulled over for dinner. Then they just kissed and decided to let the whole thing go, but Lisbon continued to smile the entire time. It was nice to see Jane could be brought down low by his own emotions. It made everything between them that much more real.

* * *

><p>Jane and Lisbon came back from the restaurant interview all smiles again. The two of them had been disgustingly happy for weeks, well except Lisbon that morning. Still, the rest of the team had caught on to their bizarre behavior and they wanted to get to the bottom of it.<p>

They watched as Lisbon happily made her way back to her office while and equally exuberant Jane made a stop in the break room. "What is up with them?" Rigsby asked conspiratorially.

"They're sleeping together," Cho stated with authority.

That made the other two people in the bullpen jump. "What?"

He just shrugged. "Why else would they be so happy?"

Grace thought about it and shook her head. "I'm not sure. She's was raped six months ago, you really think that she's up to sleeping with someone?"

"Jane was the only one who could touch her for months," Cho reminded her.

"I know and I'm certain that there is something there, a bond, feelings, maybe they are even in love," Grace replied, "but I also remember how hard it has been for her to get over what happened."

"So you don't think they are together?" Rigsby asked.

She shook her head. "I didn't say that."

"Then what are you saying?"

"Maybe something is going on, they just haven't gone so far yet."

Rigsby stared in the direction of Lisbon's office. "Nah, I don't think so. She's the boss, she wouldn't want to date a coworker."

"You just don't want to imagine Jane and Lisbon in bed together," Cho quipped.

"No, I don't," Rigsby agreed, "So please stop mentioning that. It's like thinking about your parents having sex."

"So Jane and Lisbon are the mom and dad in this situation?"

He shrugged. "They fight like parents."

"Divorcing parents."

Rigsby shook his head. "So they fight like they are getting a divorce but you guys think they are together? That doesn't make any sense."

"It's Jane, nothing with him ever makes sense."

Grace looked at them thoughtfully. "They fight because they care, he wants her to have fun and she worries about him. It's sweet."

"Nothing was sweet when she punched him."

"He deserved that," Grace agreed, "but you have to remember what happened after she was attacked. He was the only one that she could touch; he was the one she trusted. We _know _he's stayed over at her apartment more than once." She inclined her head. "I think that maybe while he was helping her…real feelings developed."

"For who?"

"For both of them," she explained, "Lisbon depended on him and she recognized how she felt. And while helping her Jane began to heal as well."

"That's a pretty big leap."

"No it's not," Cho butted in, "how else do you explain how happy they are?"

"There are a lot of reasons they could be happy," Rigsby pointed out, "and they might not be happy for the same thing. Besides, if they are so happy why was she so pissed off this morning?"

Cho and Grace looked at one another but they didn't have any answers there. "I don't know," Grace admitted.

Cho shrugged. "Jane probably left the seat up or something." That suggestion made Grace giggle a bit.

"I still don't think they are sleeping together."

"We'll see," Cho replied.

"You think they'll tell us?"

"No," Cho replied, "But Lisbon couldn't hide her emotions if she was wearing a mask. She'll slip up and we'll know."

"How long do you think that will take?" Grace asked.

"I'd give it a week."

* * *

><p>Jane was right about a lot of things, including the fact that Lisbon tended to get what she wanted when she set her mind to it. Tonight she wanted to try to have sex with him again and she was quickly putting that plan into action. The first part had been easy, Jane was always happy to come over to her apartment now that they were together.<p>

They enjoyed a meal of Italian take out and a bottle of wine. They made halfway through the bottle before they started making out on her couch. These moments where they actually seemed like a real couple made Lisbon feel content. And Jane was a damn good kisser.

Really, really good.

He was partially on top of her while she lay back on the sofa, his hands were tangled up in her hair and she had her arms wrapped around his neck. But his lips never strayed from her mouth. He would kiss her passionately, doing heavenly things with his lips and his tongue but she knew he was making a statement.

This wasn't foreplay.

Well she had an idea on how to remedy that.

The next time they pulled apart to catch their breath she smiled up at him. "Will you stay tonight?"

"I usually do," he pointed out, brushing the hair away from her eyes.

"No, I meant stay till morning." It was a real request. Jane tended to stay with her until she fell asleep. He was always there when she woke up screaming from her nightmares and he stayed to help her feel safe again, lulling her back to sleep. But he always left before morning.

She wanted him to stay this time.

He looked at her, a very serious expression on her face. "Is that what you want?"

She nodded. "I want you to sleep beside me." Among other things, but she would get there soon. "And I want to wake up and see you in the morning."

Jane thought about that for a moment and then gave her a smile before leaning down to kiss her again. She let him tease her lips for a moment before smiling against his mouth, "I hope that's a yes."

He nodded and then resumed kissing her senselessly and she let him.

Lisbon knew that tonight it would be okay; tonight they would be able to make the final step to having a real adult relationship. After all, they were engaging in some pretty heavy stuff right now and she was perfectly fine. All they had to do was take their clothes off.

She didn't want him to know what she was planning though. She changed into her normal sleep attire, including her pajama pants, there would be no sexy lingerie tonight but that was okay. Jane was a guy; once she started taking it off he wouldn't care what she'd had on before.

He took off his vest, jacket and his pants to make himself comfortable for the night. She'd have to see about making him some room in one of her drawers so he could leave some stuff here. This was going to be a recurring thing and she had a feeling Jane would be more comfortable having their relationship here then at his hotel room, she knew she would too.

Jane tucked himself in beside her and they simply smiled at one another for a moment. She reached over to touch his cheek with her fingertips before leaning in to kiss him softly. He was definitely okay with that.

Lisbon kissed him again, this time making it a bit more passionate. He responded tentatively but he figured out something was up when she straddled him. Jane pulled back, "Lisbon…what are you doing?"

It was something she'd thought about earlier. Maybe the best way to do this was make it the exact opposite of her rape. In this position, she was in charge, she was in control, she was on top.

"I'm fine," she assured him, leaning down once more to kiss him.

Jane was a man after all and temptation like this was very hard to resist. She smiled when he responded eagerly; it had been easier than she thought.

But then he pulled away and shook his head. "We shouldn't be doing this."

"I want to try again," she told him.

He reached up and cupped her cheek in his hand, looking up at her softly. "You're not ready."

"Yes I am," she responded firmly before leaning down to kiss him again. She buried her fingers into his curls, keeping him in place, adding a little tongue for good measure. Jane couldn't resist that, she was certain of it.

She knew he was giving in when his hands slipped from her face to circle her waist, pressing her closer to the hardening length of him. This was good, she was fine.

Sort of.

Okay, not really.

Lisbon felt it, that rush of panic, fear and disgust. Memories were threatening to spill over and ruin this but she was determined. _Stop thinking about that_, she urged herself as she continued to kiss Jane, _don't think about _him_._

But she couldn't shut it down. Visions of a monster attacking her kept repeating themselves in her mind. She remembered how it felt to have someone slam her head down on the pavement, to have him cruelly bruise her skin and force his way between her legs. She remember ever moment of stabbing pain as he'd forced his way in again…again…and again…

Jane must have known that too.

"We have to stop," he told her pushing her back a little.

That shook her out of her stupor. "No, no we don't."

"Lisbon," he told her, "you _don't_ want to do this. I can see it in your eyes."

"I don't care," she replied, "maybe this is just how it's supposed to be."

She leaned down to start again but he pulled back and gave her a curious look. "How it's supposed to be?"

"Lets just do it," she stated firmly, "just get it over with, no matter how I'm feeling."

He actually gaped at her for a few moments and then shook his head. "No, no way. I'm not doing that."

"Jane, come on, we can…"

"No."

"Why not?"

He sat up, gripping her shoulders so she looked into his eyes. "Lisbon, I am _not_ going to rape you."

Now it was her turned to be stunned. Lisbon shook her head. "I didn't ask you to…"

"Yes, you did. You are telling me to make love to you even when it is the _last_ thing you want to do, admit it. Right now all you feel is disgust and fear," he told her, his voice still edgy, "I will not add to it."

"It's not rape," she told him softly, "I'm giving you permission…"

"That doesn't matter."

Lisbon thought back on what she'd just told Jane to do. He was right, she had told him to have sex with her when she was afraid, when her mind was screaming that she didn't want this. He was right…she'd basically asked him to force himself on her.

She covered her face with her hands and shook her head. "I'm sorry," she said as she began to cry again.

Jane pulled her into his arms and held her close. "It's okay, Teresa."

"I just thought…"

"I know," he said softly, "But we can't force you to get better. It'll happen when it happens."

She knew he believed that but in that moment she actually was afraid. What if he was wrong?

What if there would always be pieces missing?

* * *

><p>AN: Well, things aren't working out quite as well as Lisbon thought, poor girl.

In the next chapter Jane and Lisbon are still trying to make that next step and Lisbon decides that maybe she just needs to relax so she imbibes in some alcohol, believe me, you don't want to miss a drunk Lisbon trying to seduce Jane hehehe.

As always, we love reviews and remember to check out the trailer!


	18. Still See the Cracks

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Yay! Finally an update. Sorry for the wait but the holidays make it difficult to write when family is around. The good news is that the next chapter should come faster because well...no I'm not telling LOL. But you guys will enjoy this one. I should note that this chapter strays dangerously close to M territory...don't get too excited though. We aren't there YET! LOL

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: Finally got this chapter out and I think you all are going to like it. It's mostly Jisbon which we all love. We're getting much closer to the end of this story *cries* but I'm anxious for you all to see how it ends. Soon we will return to Lisbon's case, we promise. I hope you all like this chapter. On with the show.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Anna**: Awww thanks so much! Jane's baggage will make an appearance in chapter 19...but in a surprising way.

**hey ho let's go: **LOL your screenname is awesome! Here it is!

**Lauren:** Awwww thank you so much! We hope the rest of the fic was as amazing to you as the first chapter!

**Anonymous**: Thanks! We did do a lot of work thinking out ever scene. So glad it's showing!

**ilikeyogurt:**WOW! Thanks so much! LOL that was one of my favorite lines to write so I'm glad you enjoyed it!

**ana: **muchas gracias

**Tina:** That's a high compliment right there, our main goal is portray them how we think they would be seen if this whole plotline was on the show. Yes Lisbon is pushing herself too quickly, but she isn't as far away as she thinks either. Be prepared for more hotness LOL. The doubt will come though, it has to in these kinds of circumstances.

**chargers:** I love drunk Lisbon! LOL I want to see her in the show too!

**Anonymous:** I couldn't forget about you. Thanks of sticking around. Jane is going to continue to be amazing and you are spot on with how Lisbon is feeling. I'm sorry this is hard but hopefully as you see Lisbon continue to fully heal, it will make everything easier.

**Dodge1989:** Just wait for this one...and chapter 19! LOL it was fun, Lisbon is adorable when she's embarrassed. And wait until next chapter, that's all I can say hehehe

**Anonymous:** It never even occurred to me that Lisbon called it sex while Jane said "making love" Huh! A freudian slip no doubt!

**Anonymous:** Yep, she needs to take some slow steps, but really she needs to talk to Nancy to get to the root of that problem...but Lisbon isn't so keen on seeking help...

**Anonymous: **I know it sucks, we are so close to finishing this fic. We actually have all of the other chapters planned out. But be ready for more good times first. We aren't finished yet!

* * *

><p>Chapter 18: Still See the Cracks<p>

It had been a couple of weeks since Jane and Lisbon had started trying to expand their relationship and so far they had gotten no where. She'd tried everything, but still she couldn't stop equating sex with Jane with her rape. She knew it wasn't the same thing, she knew she trusted Jane, if only the rest of her would get on board with that.

What made it all worse was Jane himself. He was so patient, so understanding. He never griped or pointed out her problems. He would offer other things to do instead, such as watching a movie in bed. It was all nice but in the back of her mind there was that fear. What if she was never ready? What if this all unraveled because she couldn't get over this problem?

She needed to talk to someone.

Nancy was the obvious choice, but her therapist also wasn't aware of her relationship with Jane. For some reason Lisbon had kept that a secret. There was some guilt in that, but Lisbon suspected Nancy wouldn't think it was a good idea. She didn't want to worry about what her therapist thought, she just wanted to be happy with Jane.

That left her with only one person to talk to: Grace. Sure, she hadn't been in this situation, but it had been similar. She'd been hurt by a man and unable to trust men again for a long time. Out of everyone in her life, she would have the most helpful advice.

So Lisbon asked Grace to have lunch with her and took her to a little café just down the street of the CBI. It wasn't unusual for them to have lunch together. Ever since their talk several months ago, the two of them had been working to repair their friendship. They were pretty much back in the same place they were before the rape.

They went through the proverbial chitchat about family, gossip at work and their latest case now at trial. Then Lisbon decided to steer onto the subject. "So, have you been seeing anyone?"

Grace shook her head over her salad. "I went on a blind date a couple of weeks ago, but it didn't work out."

"That's too bad," Lisbon said. She noticed Grace didn't ask about her own love life, for which she was grateful. She didn't want to lie and say there wasn't one.

"There's, uh, something I wanted to ask you." She cleared her throat, as if that would make this less awkward. "How—how long after O'Laughlin did you…did you…trust men again?"

Grace showed her surprise at the question. "Wow, uh, I didn't expect that. Why do you want to know?"

"Because I'd like to be in a serious relationship again," Lisbon said, leaving out the fact that she already was, "but the…intimacy that goes with it, I don't know when I'll be ready for that."

"You mean sex," Grace said.

"Yeah."

"Well…I can't say for sure," she admitted, "I mean, Craig never raped me, but I did find it difficult to let myself get close with anyone. In fact, I haven't really had a serious relationship since."

"Really?" Lisbon gazed at her with hopelessness. If Grace hadn't managed to get serious with a guy, how could she?

"But it's not because of that," she said, "It's just I haven't found anyone I really liked."

"So you're saying you could?"

Grace nodded. "I've gone out, had some fun. It's not that I don't trust men anymore, it's just I haven't found the one I want to be serious with yet."

"Okay," Lisbon said, hope renewed a bit, "How long did it take for you to get there?"

"To be honest…a while. I had to admit to myself that not every guy is like Craig and that I hadn't done anything wrong in trusting him, it was him who betrayed me."

"So all I have to do is admit that not every guy is like my rapist," Lisbon said flatly. She knew Jane wasn't _him_, that hadn't done her any good.

"Lisbon, the truth is that it just takes time. You'll be ready when you're ready and if you're not now then you shouldn't force yourself."

That was easy for her to say. She didn't have the man she'd always wanted ready for her and yet she kept pushing him away every time they tried to go to the next step. Grace had the time to be patient and wait. Lisbon didn't have that luxury.

Still, she just shrugged and said, "You're right."

She let Grace change the subject, but she only listened with half an ear. Her mind was worrying over what to do next. She couldn't stay like this forever. She'd managed to get over that hump and stop wishing for yesterday. She could get over this problem too. The solution was out there and she knew it wasn't time.

* * *

><p>Cho and Rigsby were still working anxiously on Lisbon's case. The break on the rapist's blood type had been huge but the case was stalled as they struggled to find a way to reduce that already reduced list even further…maybe even to one. The problem was that while they could access some of the records, particularly those who were CBI agents at the fundraiser, they couldn't find access to the guests nor some of the more important names on the list.<p>

But hope was not lost; all they needed were a few warrants.

"I'm sorry," Sanford told them as soon as they finished laying out their case, "I can't help you."

"We told you," Cho reminded him, "one of them is our man."

"I understand that," Sanford replied, "but you cannot honestly expect any judge to sign off on a warrant with this kind of evidence."

"The rapist has to have this blood type," Rigsby pointed out.

"So does 30% of the men in this state," Sanford countered, "I can't sign off on something like this, particularly since it seems too much like a witch hunt."

"A witch hunt?" Cho said coolly, "An agent was raped."

"I am well aware of the particulars of this incident," he said, holding up a hand in surrender, "but some of the names on this list are major donators to the CBI and the State Department, others are officials _in_ the department, including a judge and two district attorneys. I couldn't get Bugs Bunny to sign off this warrant, let alone any judge in the state of California."

"There has to be something…" Rigsby began.

"Give me more information," Sanford said, something that can tie someone to this crime."

"If we had that then we wouldn't be here," Cho muttered."

"Then I suggest you find it."

For a second the two men stared at Sanford completely dumbfounded. Cho imagined hitting him while Rigsby simply shook his head in disgust. He thought that Sanford really understood about all of this, after all, Sanford had been the one to help them get the complaints about Lisbon, the background information on Ryckart.

Cho and Rigsby backed away out of the room, both of them frustrated.

"The guy who did this…he's here, he's on this list," Rigsby declared, tempted to slam his fist against the wall.

"I know," Cho stated.

"It's ridiculous."

"No," Cho said, surprised Rigsby. "He's right, we don't have enough, not to do it this way."

Rigsby raised an eyebrow at his words. "What are you suggesting?"

"We get creative."

"How?"

Cho shrugged. "Ask Jane. He'll have some ideas."

There was no doubt about that. The problem was…would they like it?

* * *

><p>Lisbon was tired after a long day at the CBI, a management meeting had forced her to stay late so she had been stuck watching the members of her team quietly leave. It was a bit surprising that they didn't ask her to go with them, she'd have refused but she couldn't help but wonder if there was something going on that she didn't know about. At any rate she was more curious to know if Jane was going to come by tonight.<p>

She wasn't sure if she wanted him here or not, she was so happy that they were trying to work out a real relationship but she also felt guilty that things weren't going all that well at the moment. And that was her fault. Their relationship had hit a brick wall in the intimacy department and she still couldn't figure out a way around it. Jane could kiss her but any time they tried to progress any further she would go back to the night she was raped and that would be the end of it. It must be frustrating for him to have to deal with something like this, to be turned on but unable to be satisfied…it hurt her to think about it.

What if it was too much?"

Lisbon shook her head and turned on the TV, determined to find some show that would take her mind off her sex life. But while flipping from a nature documentary to some sit-com she didn't recognize she still couldn't stop thinking about her problems.

She wanted to work through this; it had to be some kind of emotional roadblock that needed to be overcome. But how? She remembered the time they had tried it when she'd told him that she wanted to just do it, even if all she felt was fear and disgust. Jane hadn't been eager about that idea, pointing out that it would feel like she was being violated again.

He had been right, but dammit, why couldn't they just do it?

The sit-com continued on with the group of friends trying to convince one of the guys to "turn off his brain" so that he could have fun, they ended up making him drink a bunch of shots until he was completely wasted. He ended up doing a lot of crazy things and hooking up with some random girl in the bar, it wasn't exactly a great showcase of what to do but it did give Lisbon an idea.

What if her problem was simply a matter of her being unable to relax? Was she over thinking this? More than anything she wanted to be able to get through this and put all of the pieces of her life back together, maybe shutting her brain off would allow her to do it.

She might not have any hard liquor but she did have a bottle of wine somewhere. That would work. The point wasn't to get drunk, just to get her good and relaxed so that she wouldn't freak out when she and Jane started to have sex.

How hard could that be?

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

It hadn't been an easy meeting between the members of Lisbon's team as they sorted through the bad news. Jane hadn't been all that surprised; he knew that the high profile nature of many of the suspects was bound to cause more roadblocks before this was all over. It did make him smile a little that Cho was willing to use unsavory methods to narrow down the list; Rigsby and Van Pelt hadn't been quite so keen. At the moment, Jane wasn't so sure that was the way to go yet. He was more concerned that Lisbon would figure out their intentions and that would be very bad, particularly now because she was once more having to deal with her frustrations over her trauma.

He sighed as he stepped out of the car in the parking lot of Lisbon's apartment. There was no way to avoid the thoughts over the current situation in their relationship. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't frustrated with this new bump in the road but he also knew that none of it mattered right now. This was about her. His job was to support her and he could do that, it was something he would never mind doing.

Jane unlocked the door to her apartment and let himself inside. "Hey, Teresa? You still awake?"

"Hello, handsome."

He knew something was wrong immediately. Lisbon never called him handsome, she never complimented him either. Jane looked over to see she was lounging on the couch, he guessed it was supposed be seductive but the odd way her leg draped over the edge ruined the whole image.

She was drunk.

Jane simply stared at her for a moment, noting with relief that no firearms were nearby. She didn't seem tormented or suicidal; if anything she was a happy drunk. This might be easier than he first assumed.

"Why hello, dear," he said playing along a little bit, "I see you've been busy." Jane took a seat down on the sofa beside her, but was caught off guard when she pulled him close to give him a very sloppy kiss. She tasted like wine, which wasn't unpleasant at all, but this was pretty frantic. "Okay, Lisbon," Jane said pulling back, "what is going on here?"

"I'm ready," she told him eagerly.

"For…?"

She gave him a seductive smile that worked very well even if she couldn't quite focus her eyes. "For this," she replied, running her hand down his chest southwards to a very important destination. Jane grabbed her hand before she actually finished journey. "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Because you're drunk."

"Exactly," Lisbon told him with a wicked grin. "I'm drunk. Which means I don't care, I don't care about what happened to me. I'm relaxed. My brain is turned off." She pointed in the vague direction of her head. "I can do it this time, I'm not afraid."

"Oh, Lisbon, honey. I'm not sure…oh God…" She stopped his protest by crawling into his lap and straddling him. Jane's brain was thinking clearly…his body was definitely not. He could feel his blood heating up and heading to body parts it had no place in being at the moment.

Lisbon just grinned. "You want to do this."

"Yes, I mean _no_!" Jane was floundering now. "Just…just stop for a minute." He tried to move her off of his lap but all he really did was shove her a couple of inches, at least now she was off Little Patrick. He took a few deep breaths and closed his eyes so he couldn't look at her and be tempted anymore. _It's wrong, no matter how much you want to do this, she's drunk and she's not ready. Be a gentleman…for once._

Jane opened his eyes again, keeping his gaze focused on her green and haggard depths. "Lisbon, we aren't going to do this tonight."

"But we can."

"No," Jane told her softly, "You can't. The alcohol is making you believe it but if we try you'll probably experience the same thing. And even if you don't…it's still not right."

"You won't be raping me this time."

"I believe taking advantage while intoxicated still counts."

"Not if we are both drunk."

He smiled at her wit; even drunk off her ass she could still battle with him. "True, but at the moment I'm stone-cold sober and plan to stay that way."

"Change your mind."

She was being stubborn now. Time to change tactics. He reached beneath her, tempted to veer a little to the left and feel her shapely bottom but he stopped his wandering hands. Instead he hooked her legs beneath his arm and stood up so now he was carrying her.

"Whoa!" Lisbon said, blinking a little dizzily. "Where are we going?"

"Bed," Jane told her honestly.

"Oh good! Bed! Take me to bed, Patrick."

He stopped in his tracks and gaped at her. "Dear God, woman. You have no idea how often I've imagined you saying that…but you weren't drunk in my fantasies."

"Does that mean you've changed your mind?"

"Nice try," Jane said. He finished carrying her up the stairs and skillfully kicked open her bedroom door. He carried her over to the bed and set her down gently on to the mattress. She held on to him like a monkey clinging to a tree, trying to pull him down with her but he resisted.

"Come on, Jane!"

"I thought I was Patrick?"

"If I call you Patrick will you have sex with me?"

"Not tonight."

"Son of a bitch."

Jane smiled and couldn't help him, he lightly kissed her nose. "Now there's my foul-mouthed cop-lady."

Lisbon eyed him and he was glad to see that exhaustion was starting to take over. "I just want to do it…"

"Shhhh," Jane told her softly, "don't think about that. Just breathe, in and out…in and out…listen to my voice…in and out…in and out."

He repeated that for a while until he was absolutely sure she was passed out. Then he softly took a few steps back until he was out of the room. Once he was well out of hearing range he groaned loudly and covered his eyes with his hands.

Forget deserts, snakes and turning stones into bread, a drunken seductive Teresa Lisbon was a temptation that was nearly impossible to resist. He was going to stand under cold water for at least half an hour before he could trust himself around her again and even that wouldn't be enough to release his frustrations.

A part of him wanted to hit something. Sometimes he just wanted to shout and rant himself but he knew that wasn't what Lisbon needed. He had to be strong for her, even when she turned him on and didn't let him find his own release. His own frustrations paled in comparison to her trauma. She needed time to heal and he would give her that.

But he'd love to strangle the man who put them in this terrible situation.

* * *

><p>Lisbon woke up with a pounding head and a vague feeling of déjà vu. She'd done this before, recently in fact. At least this time she hadn't had a gun.<p>

No, this time she'd thrown herself at Jane like a bitch in heat…which wasn't too far from the truth actually.

She groaned and rolled over in her bed, throwing a hand over her eyes to keep the light from searing her corneas. That was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever done in her whole life. What the hell was wrong with her? She didn't bed guys to sleep with her! That was pathetic and foolish and…pathetic again!

Lisbon rolled over again, covering her head with a pillow to hide her shame. But she soon heard Jane's chipper. "Good morning, dear." She didn't move, partly hoping he would leave her so she could find a hole to bury herself in. But Jane wasn't so keen on that, the bed dipped as he sat down next to her. "Lisbon?" She heard his chuckle and he pulled the pillow off of her head. "There you are."

"Stop treating me like a five year old," she growled. Though the logical part of her brain that wasn't pounding with a hangover reminded her that she _was_ acting like a five year old.

Jane tsked. "I'm glad I brought you this."

Lisbon peaked open her eyes to see aspirin and a glass of water. "Okay, fine. You can live." She said taking the offered gifts and downing both of them quickly. Then she leaned back against the bed but didn't look him in the eye.

But Jane didn't look away, she could feel his gaze burning through her skin and it made her feel very uncomfortable. "Stop staring at me!"

"I will, once you actually look at me."

She sighed and flicked her gaze to his. "Happy now?"

"Ecstatic." His voice was soft and he was smiling at her, "you shouldn't be embarrassed."

"I was throwing myself at you."

"How is that any different from any other woman?" Now Lisbon gave him a scathing glare and he grinned. "I'm just calling it like I see it."

"Ha!" She replied, "you're too annoying for any woman to throw themselves at you."

"You did last night."

"Argh!" Lisbon screeched and threw the pillow back over her head.

Jane laughed again. He relaxed so that he was lying down next to her and took the pillow, throwing it down onto the floor. "Come on, Lisbon. Look at me."

"I'm too embarrassed." She informed him, keeping her hands over her face

He gently reached up to pull her hands away. "Lisbon?" He said softly, but her eyes remained shut. Jane pushed the hair away from her face but she still refused to open her eyes. Then Jane leaned down and softly brushed her lips with his.

The kiss was feather light but like every one of Jane's kisses, she felt it in every cell in her body. Her eyes snapped open and she was staring into his blue-green depths. "Why hello there," Jane said teasingly. He leaned down and kissed her again, this time with a little more pressure, just enough to make her toes curl.

He pulled back and softly caressed one cheek with the pad of his fingertip. "Why did you decide to get drunk last night?"

Lisbon sighed heavily and leaned in a little closer to him. "I thought it would help me to relax so that we could do it."

"Where did you get that brilliant idea?"

"It was some stupid TV show."

"Oh, well as long as you have a reliable source."

She lightly smacked him for that comment but silently agreed with him. Then Lisbon sighed again. "I just want to…I want to be better again. Really better." She met his gaze, noting how deliciously sexy he looked lying on her bed, still a little tousled from sleep. "Do you…can we try again?"

Jane was quiet for a minute and then shook his head. "Not now."

"Why not?"

"Well you have a hangover, for one," Jane pointed out, lightly tapping the side of her head. "And you and I both know that you are not ready yet."

Lisbon frowned then and rolled away so she wasn't looking at him anymore. "Hey," Jane said trying to turn her back but she refused. A tear trickled down her cheek as she tried to hide her sniffling. "No, don't cry. It's not that I don't want to it's just…this isn't the right time."

"That isn't the problem," Lisbon said, still sniffling a little.

"Then what is it?"

She was quiet for a very long time. Then she whispered very softly. "What if I'm never ready?" Now Lisbon rolled over slowly to look at him. "What if he took this from me permanently?"

"He didn't."

"You don't know that," Lisbon pointed out. "What if this is it? What if I never want to have sex with anyone again…ever? What if I never stop thinking about him? What if I'm always…broken?"

Jane stared at her for a while and then shook his head. "You are not broken, Lisbon."

"But I'm not fixed," Lisbon replied, "Pieces are missing. The big parts are glued back together but everyone can still see the cracks….and I'm not sure if those will ever go away anymore."

He took her hand threading her fingers through his. "He did not take this from you."

"How can you be sure?"

"Trust me on this," Jane said, avoiding the question entirely. "I've been right so far. You'll be ready…soon. Just wait. I'm not going anywhere."

Lisbon believed that. She believed that Jane was willing to stay with her.

But she wasn't so sure that he was right about _her._

* * *

><p>Nearly every Sunday, Lisbon had started having lunch with Minelli. Their meeting only a few weeks after her attack had been a disaster, but after she'd found herself again she'd called him up to have a much-needed talk. He wanted to see her more often. At first she'd been hesitant, uncertain if she was really ready to see her second father, but that had quickly passed. Virgil had always been her close friend, so much like her in so many ways. It was easy to be herself with him.<p>

But this lunch was different. She had begged off the last few times with the excuse of work or therapy because she knew he had noticed there was something wrong between her and Jane. And now that things were better (except for the no sex part) she wasn't sure if she wanted him to know about that giant turn in their relationship. Minelli had always been good to her but she didn't think he'd be over-the-moon about this. Actually, she suspected he'd have quite a few curse words to say.

But he sounded worried on the phone so she had no choice but to face the inevitable. There was a chance he wouldn't figure it out. He wasn't Jane.

It was actually great to see him again. It felt like ages when it hadn't even been a month. The years of working with him, going to him for advice, had made him a permanent fixture in her life. She silently vowed to never purposefully hide from him again.

"I'm sorry we haven't talked recently," she was compelled to say after their 'hellos', "I've been busy with work."

"I understand." The look on his face told her he was just playing along. He was well aware that work wasn't the reason.

"I'm doing great. Really, I feel completely like myself again." Sort of. The sex thing really did irritate her.

"That's good," Minelli said, "I can tell. You're much more…relaxed."

Uh oh. What did he know? No, he couldn't, not just by a look. Sure, she really was happier than she had been in a long time, but that couldn't possibly be that obvious. Jane could read her like a book, but no one else could.

"So, uh, how's May?"

"Fine." He went on an elaborate story about a trip they took together to Colorado, how their snowmobile broke down and they were forced to hike their way back to the lodge. She laughed and brought up her own stories, careful to keep the subject off of Jane.

Of course, it was inevitable that the conversation would turn to work. Minelli did still have an interest in the CBI, especially her team. She looked down at her burger. "Great. Nothing out of the ordinary." Her voice sounded squeaky to her own ears.

"Any interesting cases?"

"No, not really."

Minelli frowned at her. "Really? Jane hasn't been up to any of his antics?"

"Nope. He's been good."

He smiled at her and nodded. "Okay, great."

Lisbon grinned and picked up her cheeseburger. This was easier than she thought.

"So, when did you and Jane get together?"

The once delicious combination of beef, cheese, lettuce, tomato and ketchup turned into sand and glue in her mouth. She forced it all down in one large swallow, nearly choking. "What?"

"Don't play dumb, Teresa, you're too good for those games. Just admit it."

She stared guiltily at her plate. "A few weeks ago."

Lisbon waited for the long rant, the string of curse words, the 'are you out of your mind', 'what are you thinking' and the list of Jane's many faults. It was the same thing she had done herself before the attack. Whenever she'd caught herself in a fantasy or noticed a stray feeling, she would tell herself why it was stupid and how impossible it was.

Now she had a list of reasons why it would work.

She was ready to explain, to tell him how everything had changed. She wasn't ready for what he said.

"I had a feeling," he said with a shrug, "About time he pulled his head out of his ass and did something. Glad to see he found his spine."

Then he took a bite of his pasta, as if he was simply talking about the weather or the latest political issue that currently was being battered about into nothing.

Lisbon stared at him for a while. "You're not…mad?"

"Why would I be mad?"

"I thought you wouldn't think it would be a good idea."

Minelli shrugged. "Teresa, I could always see how you two clicked. Granted, I never thought he would be ready to actually admit he had feelings for you, but I think this whole ordeal has changed him too. He's finally seeing he can be happy."

Lisbon smiled at him fondly. "Thanks, Virgil."

"And thank you."

She frowned. "For what?"

"For waiting until after I retired."

* * *

><p>It had been a long and difficult case the past couple of days, one that seemed to just drain the energy from her completely. Lisbon noted that there were some unsightly dark circles under her eyes from the stress. She was tired and so was Jane who was already in bed but Lisbon was taking her time to get ready before going to lie down beside him and sleep.<p>

After all, that was all they did in her bed was sleep.

Frustration washed over her as she recalled that unfortunate fact. She and Jane might be in a romantic relationship but it definitely wasn't sexual. Despite the many attempts to finally progress to that stage every time things started to get more intimate she would freak out and that would be the end of it.

Jane was just so sweet about all of it. He was always patient with her, always holding her close as she cried out her anger at not being able to push past the memories. If Jane was at all frustrated by her inability to actually satisfy him than he didn't show it. He would just kiss her again and assure her that eventually she would be ready.

But Lisbon was having a hard time believing that now. What if she was never ready? What if her rape had caused some kind of psychological damage that would keep her from ever wanting to be intimate again? The idea horrified her. She was tired of being broken. She'd been picking up the pieces of her shattered soul for months now; she hated to think that some pieces would remain missing.

Lisbon put down her toothbrush and gave her appearance one last scrutiny. She was in her typical oversized shirt, what was the point in trying to be sexy anymore when nothing was going to happen? She sighed and turned off the bathroom light before heading to bed.

Jane was looking through a book when she came in; he smiled at her softly before putting it aside. Since they had started sharing a bed Lisbon was well aware of Jane's insomnia, but he was considerate enough to stay with her until she fell asleep and was always there when she awoke from her nightly terrors. She thought that maybe since their relationship started that he was getting more sleep, at least she liked to think that was the case. Lisbon wanted to believe that this relationship wasn't just helping her out but maybe it was helping Jane to heal as well.

She crawled into the bed and leaned over to kiss him softly, it was sweet, like people in a relationship should do. Then she settled down underneath the blankets, turning onto her side. Lisbon wasn't surprised when she felt Jane's arms circle around her, Jane was a cuddler and she didn't mind in the least. When nightmares troubled her sleep every night, it was nice to know that she wasn't alone.

What she wasn't expecting was for his hands to begin to softly caress her skin. She felt his lips softly kiss the back of her neck down towards her shoulder. Was he wanting to try again? Lisbon attempted to roll over onto her back but Jane stopped her before she could move even an inch. "No," he whispered into her ear, "don't move."

Then what was he going to do?

Jane continued to lay soft warm kisses on the ivory skin of her neck and shoulders, paying special attention to the area where the two parts met. Lisbon began to feel a familiar hum spread through her body with each press of his lips. One of his hands began to meander to her breasts while the other began to softly touch her stomach.

"Is this okay?" He asked against her skin.

Lisbon was finding it difficult to breath but she found the strength to nod just as his hand found it's way underneath the hem of her shirt. He used feather light touches on her stomach that had her breath coming out in short pants. The further south his hand went the harder her breathing became.

But he didn't go where she was aching to be touched. Instead he found the warm skin of her thighs, gently coaxing them open so he could continue with his torturously soft caresses. Jane's other hand was still busy with her breasts, gently teasing one nipple until it was a sharp bud.

Finally his hand slipped under the waistband of her panties and found the hot wet nub that was by now starting to throb. When he began to tease her opening with soft circles with one finger, Lisbon clutched the bed sheets with her hands and a whimper escaped her lips. She felt his smile against her neck and then his thumb began to circle that sweet spot.

Her breathing was labored and her mind was fuzzy with arousal. She wasn't going to last much longer, she needed him now. "Please," she begged him. Then she cried out when two of his fingers slid beneath her folds.

Each thrust of his fingers sent waves of pleasure through her. Her grip on the bed sheets tightened until her knuckles went white but she didn't notice. Jane was leaving much more intense kisses on her throat in time with the action his fingers were taking down south. When his thumb circled that same spot again she knew that she was close.

Then Jane kissed her ear and pressed down with the heel of his hand and that pressure was enough to send her over the edge.

Lisbon trembled as the wave of intense heat washed over her. It had been so long since she had felt that kind of release, too long. She vaguely noticed that Jane was still holding her close; still drawing out her pleasure until she finally stopped shaking.

It took longer for her to gain control of her breathing but when she did she rolled over to face him. She had been satisfied; maybe it was time to try to go the whole nine yards. But when she reached over to him Jane caught her hand in his. "No, we're not going to do that tonight. This was about you."

Lisbon wasn't exactly happy with that statement. She wanted Jane to find his release but was also afraid to ruin what was such a good moment. He smiled softly at her and caught her lips in his for a long and tender kiss.

When he released her lips she stared up at him some more. "Why…why did you do that?"

Jane reached over to brush the hair away from her eyes tenderly. "Because I wanted you to see that he didn't take that from you. You'll be ready for this soon, I promise."

Lisbon couldn't stop the smile that spread over her face. Now she actually believed it. Jane grinned back at her and kissed the tip of her nose before pulling her up against him. She rested her head against his chest and closed her eyes, allowing herself to drift away, feeling safe and secure in his arms.

* * *

><p>AN: Awwww Jane is being such a gentlemen...sort of LOL

Well what did you guys think? Let us know! And stick around. In the next chapter the team still tries to get Jane and Lisbon to own up to their relationship while the frustrations in the bedroom come to a head and Lisbon actually wonders if she really is ready to be in a relationship with Jane at all? And when she confesses to her therapist she gets a surprising idea for why she can't seem to go all of the way...


	19. Glued Back Together

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Oh man I'm so excited to be posting this chapter, it's going to be great. Not only because of this chapter but because after this things are just going to go fast and intense! I can't wait!

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: We are so close to finishing this story. I have mixed feelings of joy and sadness on this score. This is a great chapter and the last one that focuses entirely on Jane and Lisbon. In the next chapter we begin to return to Lisbon's case and finally get on the path of conclusion. I hope you all like it.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Anna:** Unfortunately all good things must come to an end eventually, but you have a few more chapters left until we reach that point

**Malin:** Thanks, I'm glad you found this one after reading TBM, we are so proud of this fic!. We divide our work by scenes, usually it depends on who wants to write what scene. So we both have a contribution to each chapter.

**Margaux:** Awww thanks so much, I'm glad you found Lavinia and TBM. We work hard to keep these characters as they would be seen on the show. Thank you for enjoying out work

**German Girl:** Glad to see you are back! The hunt for Lisbon's rapist will start anew very VERY soon, we have to finish this part which resolves Jane and Lisbon's personal relationship first. Why did it take so long to get the blood type? There are a couple of reasons, blood type from secretor DNA is different, they had the DNA but didn't have a test to run it on. Also, to be honest, we forgot all about it so we threw it in then LOL.

**Red John:** Oh wow, it is so cool and scary that I am responding to Red John. I sincerely hope you don't take offense to this and come and kill me in my sleep but...you won't be in this story. It's not that you've been forgotten or anything but this isn't a story about YOU, it's a story about Jane and Lisbon overcoming her rape. So, you don't have a part in this. Sorry. Don't kill me! LOL

**Anonymous:** Awwww thank you so much!

**Chris:** Thank you we worked hard with the last chapter, but drunk Lisbon was especially fun to write. It appears that EVERYONE loved that finale scene, it was fun.

**Tina:** Thank you, we wanted this to be a different healing fic, one where we actually show the time and progression it takes. I agree, even with the rape Lisbon has reservations. LOL I blushed the whole time writing that final scene.

**Dodge1989:** Yes he did, that was hard to resist! Well I hope this next chapter is worth it too.

**Anonymous: **Thank you for the high compliment, I'm so glad this story reached out to you. It was a good chapter to write and if it touched you then we did our job right.

**Misfit1-3: **I hope you enjoyed chapter 18, I'm so glad you loved the trailer. Eva did an AMAZING Job with it!

**SPOILER ALERT: THE FINAL SCENE OF THIS CHAPTER IS RATED M, YES GET EXCITED!**

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><p>Chapter 19: Glued Back Together<p>

Jane might disagree but Lisbon was certain he could now be classified as a gentleman under any form of the definition. How else could you describe a man who was tender when she needed him to be and incredibly patient and understanding as she still struggled to overcome her problems with intimacy? Lisbon was sure right now she would be classified under the definition of frustrated and obsessed, she just wanted to have a normal relationship! Was that really too much to ask?

It was true, after Jane's sensual care proved she was still capable of feeling release, she had felt more optimistic over the future. She was certain that now she would be able to make that next step and actually get naked with the man. Lisbon planned it once more, a bit more spontaneous this time; at least she didn't have to trick him into getting in bed.

She was waiting for him in her bed when Jane lay down beside her. For a second all they did was smile sweetly at each other and she wondered what was up. "You want to try again," Jane stated knowingly.

Lisbon was startled by that. "How did you know?

"Because you can't hide anything from me," Jane replied, "I know everything. Including that stack of paperback Harlequins you have hidden in your closet. Quite racy, I must say."

"Shut up, I don't have any books hidden in my closet."

"No you don't, they're under your bed."

She put on an emotionless mask. "I don't know what you are talking about."

"Oh really?" Jane said, a devilish grin on his face.

Lisbon watched as he quickly rolled over to the other side of the bed to start digging around under her mattress. "What are you doing?"

"Ah ha!" He declared holding aloft a worn paperback book that not only had a half naked Fabio on the cover, but he was ripping off a woman's bodice too. "_My Ruthless Pirate_, and look here," he flipped to the first page, "From the library of Teresa Lisbon."

She blushed a very deep crimson. "All right. You caught me, but there's nothing wrong with a woman reading a little…romance. It's healthy."

"Mmhmm," Jane murmured, leaning back against the pillow, now flipping through the book.

Lisbon shook her head. "Okay, it's stupid, you can put the book down now."

"Shhh I'm trying to read."

Now she stared at him as if he was insane. "Are you serious?"

He didn't look at her, his eyes still on the book. Then one eyebrow lifted. _"__This is what heaven is, was the last thought she had before she shattered. White light burst behind her eyelids, pleasure rippled through every nerve ending in her body. Somewhere in the distance she heard a voice crying out."_ Jane looked up at her and grinned. "And the voice said, 'help me please, someone is butchering literature'."

"It's not that bad," Lisbon declared.

He took that challenge and ran with it. "_Her eyes poured over him like honey on a hot day, lapping up every feature_. What does that even mean?"

"Shut up!"

"No, I'm just about to get to the part with his quivering member."

"Stop reading it!" Lisbon shouted lunging for the book. Jane pulled it back out of her reach but she just followed it, half lying on top of him as she reached for the novel. "Give it to me," she said reaching for it, losing her balance and collapsing on his chest in a fit of giggles.

He was laughing too and leaned up to kiss her softly on the lips. She returned the sweet gesture with one of her own, kissing him back with all of the excitement she was feeling. She could feel this kiss start a hum through her veins. _"This time_,_"_ she thought, _"this time it's going to happen."_

Jane must have felt it too. He dropped the book and it fell to the floor with a low thud before reaching up to tangle his hand through her hair. She loved this, the taste of his kiss and the thrill it gave her. Minutes passed and the kissing grew stronger, she let her fingertips sneak up his shirt to roam over his bare chest.

She let out a small squeal when Jane flipped her over onto her back but she kissed him again. This was going to happen. This time it was finally going to happen.

His hand moved down her throat, dipping in the groove by her clavicle before finding her breast, he never once stopped kissing her. This was fine, she felt fine.

Then Jane covered her body with his and she felt his desire against her thigh.

That was all it took.

Lisbon stiffened as memories flashed in her mind. Cruel hands, teeth biting into her flesh, hot breath on her face as she lay still and let him violate her over and over again.

Jane noticed the change in her behavior and he stopped. "Don't stop," she told him quickly, "I'm okay, I just…" but her protest was weak.

This time she was the one who rolled away, letting out a tearful frustrated groan. Jane tenderly reached up to put a hand on her shoulder as she sniffled. "It's all right."

"Will you stop saying that?" She shouted. "It's not all right! It's not okay and it's not fine either!" Lisbon rolled over to look at him. "Why are you so nice?"

"Excuse me?"

"Why won't you get mad? Shout at me? Do something!"

"What good would that do?" Jane asked. "I could never be mad at you…this isn't your fault."

She shook her head. "I'm so tired of this. Tired of feeling like the worst girlfriend in the world."

"That's not true."

"You can't touch me!" Lisbon reminded him.

He smiled and put his hand over hers. "I'm touching you right now."

"That's not what I meant and you know it," she said harshly. "Why can't you take this seriously? I'm not asexual."

"No," Jane agreed, "but you need time."

"Time, yes time because time heals all wounds," she repeated bitterly.

"It's not a stupid phrase."

Lisbon shook her head and looked at him. "You don't get it, Jane. I'm failing…not myself….I'm failing _you_."

He looked surprised by that statement but she didn't take the time to ponder his expression. She didn't want to look at him right now because he was a reminder that she was still a broken pathetic mess. Lisbon quickly jumped out of the bed and headed for the bathroom. "Lisbon, wait!" Jane called after her but she didn't listen.

Instead she locked herself in the bathroom so she could cry quietly into a towel.

Just like before.

* * *

><p>Over the past couple of months, Lisbon's team had dealt with a lot of her moods. Before the attack, she could be firm and sometimes hard, but never did she let her emotions rule her. At least not often. Now they'd seen her depressed, frightened and so many other things. She had lost the ability to detach herself from her emotions.<p>

It wasn't all bad. It was easier to see when she was happy now. Not happy in the sense of successfully completing a case, but happy in her personal life as well. She still didn't give details, that would never change. Of course the downside was that when she was in a bad mood it was blatantly obvious. Right now, Lisbon was in a very bad mood.

Frustrated was the more apt definition. She'd been keyed up and tense for a while now and none of them had idea why.

Jane had been surprisingly unhelpful, despite the fact that he and Lisbon were just as close as ever. That was curious but didn't provide any answers.

Lisbon and Jane were out on a case and while the three remaining members were supposed to be going over leads and bank statements, they had long ago perfected the art of multitasking.

"Maybe he broke into her house," Rigsby said while his eyes never left the file he was looking at.

"Why would Jane do that?" Grace asked.

"Because he's Jane."

"Jane never does anything without a reason," Cho pointed out, "If he broke into her house then he needed a reason."

"Then he wanted something, something she wouldn't give him."

Cho shook his head. "Lisbon's been more open with him than ever and she's never managed to keep a secret from him longer than an hour. He didn't need anything from her."

"Then it must be case related," Rigsby said.

"We just got the case this morning," Grace reminded him.

"Yeah, but it's Jane. He pisses more people off before breakfast than telemarketers." She let out a snort of laughter while even Cho cracked a smile at that apt description. "Okay, fine, if it isn't the case, what do you think he did?"

Grace typed a few moments on her computer and then looked at him. "It might not be something Jane did."

"What do you mean?"

"I think Lisbon might be seeing someone."

Rigsby frowned at her. "Really? Why?"

"It's just…" she looked down at her keyboard, "I don't know. She just asked me about Craig and how I got over that. She said she wanted to be in a serious relationship again."

"That doesn't mean she's seeing someone now."

"But if she is, she's probably struggling a bit because of…you know. It makes sense."

Cho nodded. "It does. And it explains Jane too."

Rigsby frowned at him. "What does any of that have to do with Jane?"

"She's seeing Jane."

"No she's not."

Grace shrugged. "It's possible."

"But…I mean…" Rigsby stammered around, trying to reclaim his thoughts. "If they are…why would they hide it?"

"The rules," Grace reminded him. Their own failed romance was proof of that.

Cho shook his head. "It's not against the rules. He's a consultant not an agent. They're just trying to keep it private. They're both messed up, it's easier."

"But we don't know if they're together," Rigsby reminded them, "None of this means that they're together."

Grace nodded once. "But if they are…what do you think it means?"

None of them had an answer for that.

* * *

><p>For once Lisbon could see, really see why it was against the rules for agents to date and work together. It was hard to separate personal feelings from the job; actually it was damn near impossible. She was supposed to be focused on the case, she was supposed to be sorting through evidence, planning an interview and figuring out which of the many suspects could be the killer. But she wasn't, instead she was focused on the man next to her and why she couldn't seem to have sex with him!<p>

This was an absolute nightmare. For years she'd been practically living a sexless existence except for the occasional one-night stand. She'd been able to have sex then just hadn't had a boyfriend or an acquaintance to do it with. Now she did and she couldn't do it. It wasn't fair!

The case wasn't helping in the least. Not when a sex therapist was killed and they got to interview colleagues and patients who raved about her work. Wonderful, she wanted to have sex and she was investigating the death of a woman who worked in that area. Unbelievable.

"Any thoughts on who could have killed her."

"She was having an affair."

That caught Lisbon by surprise. She stopped in her tracks on the sidewalk. "Really?"

Jane nodded and smiled knowingly. "She had a matching set of red lingerie in her desk drawer."

"She was a sex therapist."

"She was helping other people have sex," Jane replied, "But do you really believe she would have someone else's underwear in her desk?"

He had her there. "Okay, who was she sleeping with?"

"Someone she shouldn't have if she was trying to hide it."

"You have a name?"

"Not yet."

She shook her head and groaned. "Great, back to square one then." She was ready to get into the car and try to keep her focus on the case but Jane grabbed her hand. "What?"

"You're upset."

"No, I'm not," Lisbon said quickly.

"Yes you are." Jane told her, "I can tell. You have that crinkle between your eyes and that slump to your shoulders, you are frustrated and annoyed and for once it isn't with me." Lisbon was looking away from him but he kept a hold on her arm. "Talk to me. Teresa…talk to me."

Lisbon wrenched her arm away and finally met his eyes. "I can't do it. I can't have sex with you. I can't do it and I can't stop thinking about it and all I want to do right now is scream!"

She waited for him to say something but he waited a moment and then spoke. "Then do it."

"What?"

"Scream. It might be good for you, it's therapeutic."

"I'm not going to scream," Lisbon grumbled out.

"Why not?"

"Because there are people around."

"So?"

"They'll think I'm insane!"

Jane just shrugged it off. "You shouldn't care what people think."

She thought about that for a moment. "What about you? What do you think?"

He looked surprised by that question. "I know you aren't crazy."

Lisbon scoffed at that. "I'm not crazy? Every time we try to have sex I _freak out_! How is that not crazy?"

Jane sighed. "That's a natural reaction to your trauma."

"My trauma," Lisbon repeated bitterly. "I was raped, Jane. I was raped."

She hated that look on his face, that sad pained look. "I know."

"But I wasn't raped by you," Lisbon said, "It wasn't you. I know that. You would _never_ hurt me like that. So why the hell can't I stop thinking about _him_ every time you touch me?"

Jane looked at her softly. "It's just something that is going to take time."

"It shouldn't," Lisbon replied shaking her head. "I've had plenty of time and I'm still not ready."

"That's not—."

"This was a mistake wasn't it? I pushed for a relationship…and I shouldn't have," Her voice was soft as everything clicked. She hadn't been ready, she wasn't ready. She had feelings for Jane but she couldn't give him what he needed…what he wanted.

"We should end this," Lisbon stated and felt a rush of pain at the thought.

Now Jane did look at her as if she was crazy. "What?"

She hated this, hated the idea of this but when you care about someone you are supposed to do what is best for them…not you. "I'm being a terrible girlfriend…you should be with someone else. Someone who can…have sex."

"Lisbon, no."

"Jane…"

"No," He put a hand on her shoulder and forced her to look at him. He was firm and serious, she could tell he was more than a little upset about this. "Do you honestly think I'm with you just because of sex?"

Lisbon shook her head. "No, of course not, but…"

"No," he interrupted, "Lisbon, I'm here with you because I want to be."

She shook her head. "But I can't sleep with you and…and you want that."

"Of course I do," Jane admitted, "I'm a man and I'm breathing and you are an unbelievably amazing woman, I'd have to be dead to not want to sleep with you." That made her smile, a small smile of gratitude.

He smiled back. "But I will wait and I will help you because more than anything I want to be with you. Here, now, like this. This is what I want. I don't care about how long it takes or any problems you have…that doesn't matter to me. You are all I care about. Do you understand that?"

Lisbon nodded her head meekly and looked away. "But I'm still…broken."

Jane sighed. "We'll fix this. Together. Just like we have been."

That thought made her feel slightly better. Jane was with her, he wasn't going to leave and he wasn't upset that she was being such a terrible girlfriend.

"I just want to figure this out," Lisbon admitted, "Because right now I'm—."

"Sexually frustrated?" Jane asked with a grin.

Lisbon looked up at him, unable to keep herself from smiling back. "Yes, I'm _sexually_ frustrated!"

Jane smiled and leaned in to give her a very soft kiss. "It's going to get better. Just stay strong."

She nodded and they finally headed back to the car. Lisbon really was glad that Jane was determined to stay in this but that didn't stop her from feeling guilty that she was making this so hard on him. She wanted to fix this. She had to find out why she couldn't get through this.

And there was only one way she could find out how.

* * *

><p>Lisbon had never liked therapy. It had always been just a temporary thing, something to do so she could be cleared for work. But now she couldn't find any end in sight for it. And sometimes…she was okay with that. Sometimes the idea of it ending was terrifying because she was so screwed up. How could she ever be better again?<p>

So it actually wasn't difficult for her to call Nancy and ask to see her as soon as possible. She was broken and as hard as she tried she couldn't fix herself. Nancy seemed to be the only one who could.

"All right, Teresa, what would you like to talk about?"

Wow, that was a big question. She'd come here in a fit of pique, desperate to get passed her issues but actually telling her everything…could she really do that? That answer was a big fat no. What as she thinking even coming here?

"Um…nothing. I'm fine."

Nancy gave her that annoyingly patient smile. "You came here for a reason. You want to talk, but now you're afraid too. It must be very important."

Lisbon said nothing. Years of working with Jane had taught her that talking would only reveal all of her secrets. The best way to keep it all to herself was to lock up her lips. Of course, Nancy wouldn't let something like that go. "Why don't we talk about work? Would that be all right? How are things going with your team?"

"Fine," Lisbon said truthfully, "They're great. Grace and I are good, we had lunch a few weeks ago and that went well. Cho has stopped trying to shield me from every problem and Risgby doesn't treat me with kid gloves. They're great."

Nancy nodded. "And Jane?"

Lisbon stiffened. "What about him?"

"You didn't mention him."

"He's fine."

"You haven't mentioned him for several weeks now."

"Sure I have."

"Only when prompted." Nancy leaned forward slightly to meet her eyes. "Teresa, it's clear to me that something has changed in your relationship with Jane. Now, several weeks ago you admitted that you had feelings for him and you told him about these feelings. You never told me what happened after that. I've been waiting until you were ready and I believe that time is now. Could you tell me what happened between you and Jane?"

Lisbon stared down at her hands. They were shaking. But she was trapped. She knew Nancy wouldn't force her to talk, but she had come here. She had come here to talk. A strong person would talk. The old Lisbon would talk.

It was time to channel the old her.

"Jane and I are together."

There it was out. It couldn't be taken back.

"You are in a romantic relationship," Nancy stated calmly. No emotion, no judgment. Sometimes Lisbon could almost believe she was a robot. More often she just envied her ability to do that.

Lisbon nodded. "I realized that I have had feelings for Jane for a while, even before my attack. And I told this to Jane. I didn't think he would feel the same way, but he said he did and we've been together ever since."

"And how has that been going?"

"Fine."

Nancy nodded once. "You know, lying to me isn't going to solve the problem, Teresa. You wanted to talk and I think it's about you and Jane."

The pressure was too much, the need to have answers forced the words to come bubbling up inside of her. So she told Nancy everything. She explained how great it had been, how happy she was and then how it all changed when they tried to take that next step. How every time she wanted to do it, every time she was relaxed and ready to finally sleep with the man she loved, she flashed back to her rape.

Nancy listened patiently as she always did until every word was rung out like water from a rag. Lisbon was dry. Her secrets were out in the open at last for Nancy to see and sort out.

"Thank you," Nancy said once she was done, "Now, in coming here, what do you want?"

"I want to be able to have sex again."

"Teresa, the problem isn't your ability to have sex. Your body isn't damaged in anyway. You can have sex again."

"No I can't."

"Yes you can, this is psychological. You are keeping yourself from having sex."

"Then give me a pill or tell me what it is wrong so I can fix it."

"There aren't any drugs I can administer. As for how you can fix this, it's simple. You need to admit what is preventing you from being with Jane."

Lisbon frowned at her. "What? There's nothing wrong there. I want Jane."

"Do you?"

"Yes, I do," Lisbon insisted, "I may be screwed up in my head but I know for sure I want to be with Jane."

Nancy nodded again. "Good and I believe you. Then maybe it isn't your feelings on the matter, maybe it's Jane's."

"I don't understand."

"Maybe you are worried about how Jane feels on the matter."

Lisbon let out a laugh. "Jane's a guy, I'm pretty sure he's okay with sex."

"This isn't about sex, Lisbon, this is about your relationship. Are you sure Jane feels the same way about you?"

Lisbon frowned. "You—you don't think he wants to be with me?"

"I'm not saying that. I'm just trying to figure out how you are feeling. Is it possible that you have doubts about Jane's feelings."

Lisbon shook her head. "I don't want to do this." She moved to get up, but Nancy reached out to put a hand on her shoulder.

"Teresa, running away won't solve the problem. You want to be with Jane. You want to have a full relationship with him and right now you can't. You need to talk about this in order to figure out how to have everything you want."

Lisbon forced herself to sit back into the chair though her feet were itching to run. She was right. She needed to get past this or she never would.

"Now, I'm wondering if maybe you're afraid that Jane isn't being completely honest with you about his feelings."

"I get that, but why would I think that?"

Nancy gave her a patient look and shrugged. "You admitted to me that Jane had been married before and that the loss of his wife and daughter left him heavily scarred. He loved her deeply, didn't he?"

"Yes."

"And he's never been in a serious relationship since."

Lisbon shook her head. "No."

"After your attack, Jane was there for you. You trusted him and he knew that. He did everything he could to make you better. He has been there for you every step of the way."

"I know that."

"And now he is in a relationship with you. Being in a relationship is a big step for you, that's good. You know that…and so does he."

Understanding dawned on Lisbon like a sock straight to her gut. "You think Jane might be with me because he wants me to get better and not because he really wants to be with me."

Nancy shook her head. "I don't think anything, I am trying to get you to understand what you might be thinking. You know Jane better than anyone. You know how much he loved his wife. It's possible that you believe he could never love you the way he loved her. And if you think he doesn't really want to be with you then having sex—."

"I would be raping him," Lisbon said. Her entire body went ice cold. "I would be a rapist."

"Teresa, I'm not saying any of this is true, but you need to discuss this with Jane. You need to know for sure that he wants you. This could be what's holding you back."

For a moment, Lisbon hated Nancy. She hated this woman who had done everything she could to help her, who had seen her and helped her through her worst. She hated her.

Because she was right.

She doubted herself, she doubted Jane. She loved him. She wanted him. But how could Jane possibly want her? He'd had a wife who had loved him and who he loved so much that he would sacrifice his life to avenge her death. There was no way he could want her like that. There was just no way.

* * *

><p>Lisbon couldn't shake what Dr. Cargill had said to her that morning. "<p>

"_And if you think he doesn't really want to be with you then having sex—."_

_ "I would be raping him."_

It was ridiculous. She wasn't forcing Jane to do anything. She had been dragged away to be beaten and raped. That was nothing like what she was going through with Jane. They had made this decision to enter a relationship together and they had made the decision to try to be intimate together as well. Dr. Cargill was wrong.

Then why was this bothering her so much?  
><em> "<em>_You know how much he loved his wife. It's possible that you believe he could never love you the way he loved her."_

Of course it had, he was in a relationship with her now, wasn't he? She hadn't held a gun to his head or coerced him to do this. It was what he wanted.

Right?

Her thoughts flew back to those troubling days immediately after she had been raped. Jane had been her sole source of comfort; she could only bear his touch, only felt comfortable in his company. Just Jane and no one else.

He'd held her in his arms while she'd cried. He'd curled up beside her when the nightmares terrorized her sleep. And he'd forced her to finally confront the person she was becoming, taking her hand and leading her down the path towards finally healing. Somewhere along that road Lisbon had realized that her feelings for him had grown and solidified to a point that she couldn't hide it any longer.

She had told him how she had felt and then was left alone for a few days while he had processed it. She remembered those days well, the anxiety over wondering what he would do. She had actually believed that she had lost him completely, that she would no longer have his strength and warmth to help her. Temptation had followed, temptation to sink back into that pit of depression that Jane had helped her out of. It had taken a lot of strength to keep herself from going back and Lisbon wasn't sure if she would have ultimately succeeded if Jane hadn't come forward with his decision to be with her.

Lisbon felt her blood freeze in her veins. Oh God…what if that was why he did it? What if Jane had seen that she was falling back into the despair that had almost destroyed her? What if he had decided that the only way to help her move on was to indulge her wishes? That would mean that Jane was really forcing himself to be with her. That he was simply in a relationship with her solely for her recovery.

Immediately her mind screamed that this was stupid. Jane wouldn't do something so drastic like that.

Except Jane had showed time and time again that he would do anything to save her. He'd lied, cheated and broken a couple of laws to keep her job when his actions had threatened it. He'd killed the man who would have led him to Red John in order to save her life. How far did his desire to save her extend? What if she really was forcing this on him?

Lisbon curled up on her sofa while these thoughts tormented her mind. She'd barely spoken to Jane all day, maybe he would blame that on the lack of case and her mountain of paperwork but she doubted it. He would want to know what was wrong.

Could she see him again with all of these doubts? What would she say?

The key turning in her lock told her that she didn't have long to find out. When Jane walked into her apartment she could see the concerned look in his eyes. The fact that she was curled up on her couch like she'd done many times after she'd been attacked probably only made things worse in his mind.

"Have you eaten anything yet?" he asked, not even bothering with the unnecessary 'hello'.

No she hadn't, she didn't want to talk about food though. "I'm not really hungry," she told him. Jane didn't look particularly happy with that statement but what was he going to do about it? Shove food down her throat? Actually he just might.

"You really should eat something."

"Look Jane," she said standing up, "I really don't want you to be your overprotective self right now." She was ready to head to her room to be alone and sulk some more but Jane grabbed her arm to keep her from leaving.

"Hey," he said firmly, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

Jane looking into her eyes seriously. "Something has been bothering you all day. You should talk about it."

"Please Jane, let it go," she told him trying to tug her arm free from his grasp.

"No, I want to know what's happened."

The pent up frustration and guilt finally burst out of her. "Why are you here, Jane? Why are you doing this?"

Jane was a little startled by her outburst, his eyes widened but he didn't back away. "I'm here because I care about you."

Lisbon nodded, looking away from him. "Yes you do." That was obvious; she didn't doubt that Jane cared about her wellbeing…but how much?

"You doubt me?"

She shook her head but her eyes were telling a different story. "Why are you doing this with me?" she asked him earnestly, "Why did you decide to be with me?"

Now Jane looked confused, a pretty unusual thing to see on his face since he was the man that seemed to know everything. "Lisbon, I don't understand. What are you trying to say?"

"I want to know if you really want this. If you really want to be with me…or are you just pretending?"

"Pretending?" Jane repeated.

Tears filled her eyes and she did everything she could to will them not to shed. "Jane, for as long as I've known you all you've wanted to do was be alone. But after I was raped…you saved me. There is no other way to say it. And I…I needed you; I needed you which is difficult because I've never wanted to _need_ anyone.

"I told you the truth. I want to be in a relationship with you. I had feelings for you for a long time now and when you took care of me…I felt it even more." She explained to him softly, her voice was starting to crack a little. "I changed. How could I not? …But you haven't."

His eyebrows rose at her words but other than that his face was impassive as stone. "What are you thinking, Lisbon?"

She took in a deep breath; no longer able to stop the tears from spilling down her cheeks. Finally she faced him. "You don't want to be with me do you? You decided to do this because you wanted to help me heal, that by entering into a relationship with you maybe I would finally get over everything that happened to me. Because that's it right? It's the only reason I can think of for why you finally decided to move on…that you really haven't. You are just pretending…for me."

From the look on his face Lisbon could tell that he was stunned. But whether or not it was from her guessing the truth or completely astounded by her theory…she didn't know.

Jane looked down at the floor for a moment before meeting her eyes again. She saw sadness and pain in his bitter smile. "I honestly wish I was that selfless. I wish that I would do that, be willing to sacrifice my own comfort just for the sake of helping you. Because that man would be someone that you deserve."

Now she was the one who was stunned. "What are you saying?"

He smiled softly again. "Lisbon, you give me far too much credit. When I decided to be in a relationship with you it came from my own feelings and desires towards you." Jane's eyes searched hers, "but you still don't believe me."

She shook her head. "If that were true than you wouldn't have waited so long to move on. Why would you choose me to finally take that step when there were hundreds of women lining up to be with you?"

"Because I wasn't in love with any of them."

Lisbon actually froze. Her eyes were wide and mouth dropped open as she took in his words. "You mean…you're saying…you…"

"I love you," Jane stated plainly. "That is the reason why I want to help you, why I want to be with you. It's that simple."

Oh God he was dead serious. He wasn't lying. Patrick Jane was in love with her. She didn't know how, when or why but was that really the point? He was in love with her. Oh wow. Lisbon felt like she was having a heart attack and dying of happiness at the same moment. This moment didn't feel strange or weird or wrong.

It felt right.

"I…I love you too," she managed to stammer out even as tears still spilled from her eyes. But for the first time she could remember…they weren't tears of sadness.

Jane smiled and took a hold of her hands, lacing her fingers with his. "I know," then he grinned wickedly. "You really are terrible at hiding your emotions."

Now she wanted hit him. "Seriously Jane? What is your problem? You just have to take what is supposed to be a beautiful moment and then you—."

Her rant was silenced by Jane pulling her in for deep kiss. Lisbon smiled against his mouth, wrapping her arms around his neck to kiss him back with everything she had.

They stayed that way for a long time, just kissing each other senselessly. Parting only when they needed to breathe and then diving back into it. He loved her. That thought kept repeating over and over in her mind, her heart pounding with happiness and excitement.

This was the perfect moment, being kissed senselessly by Patrick Jane, being kissed by the man she loved and loved her back.

Maybe it was time to see just how good a therapist Nancy Cargill was.

Lisbon kept her arms wrapped around him even as she backed up towards the stairs that led to her bedroom. Jane pulled his lips away from hers and looked into her eyes, "Lisbon, we don't have to—." He was interrupted by another kiss. "—do this."

She grinned a little. He might be saying that but he was walking with her up the stairs. "I know," she told him calmly as she began to undo the buttons on his vest and shirt.

A low moan escaped her lips as Jane nuzzled the warm skin of her throat. "I want you to be comfortable," he told her still pressing his lips to her skin.

"I…am" she managed to stammer out.

They conquered the stairs without incident and Lisbon had unbuttoned his shirt and vest when they reached her bedroom door.

Jane found her lips again, hungry and passionate, leaving no doubt about what he wanted. His fingers ghosted along the hem of her shirt, fingertips brushing against the bare skin of her stomach. "I don't want you to feel like you have—."

"Jane," she said with a big smile on her lips, "Shut up."

He grinned and kissed her again before pulling her shirt over her head and tossing it on the floor. She quickly reciprocated, pushing his shirt and vest off of his shoulders before kicking off her shoes.

Jane was laying warm soft kisses along her collarbone as he reached behind her to unclasp her bra. Her heart was hammering in her chest as he gently lowered her onto the bed. This was going to happen, she knew that this time they would finally be able to do this.

This was as far as they had ever gotten. But this time as he began to lay feather light touches over her stomach and over her breasts, she didn't feel anything but pleasure and one single thought.

He loves me.

Then suddenly his hands stilled and Lisbon opened her eyes to see to the reason. He was smiling at her. She guessed he realized that this time all she was thinking about was him.

Then he lowered his head and began to follow the path his hands had made with his lips. Her breath was coming out in sharp pants that turned into a cry when he found one pink nipple and gently nipped at it with his lips and teeth. Her fingers dug into his curls, pressing him down onto her chest, she was certain she would die if he ever stopped.

She arched her back when he switched breasts, pressing her stomach onto the hardened length of him. He groaned against her skin and brought one hand down to still her hips before finding the zipper of her jeans. She hated when he moved off of her to pull off her jeans but was excited at the knowledge of what this would lead to.

Once the jeans were gone Jane began to trace the inside of her thigh with his fingertips but refused to go to the one spot she wanted him to. "Please," she breathed, gripping the bed sheets in a tight grip. A small chuckle escaped his lips as his hands crept up and he slowly pulled her panties off.

His fingers found her core and began to trace light circles over her opening. She cried out when two fingers slid into her damp heat. With each return of his fingers Lisbon felt an explosion coming and she was ready for it…but not like this.

Somehow she managed to form a coherent thought. "Jane…aren't you…ah… a little overdressed?"

Her eyes were closed but she heard him laugh again and then his fingers were gone. But just a few moments later she felt him crawling on top of her. She couldn't stop the gasp from escaping her lips when his hips rested against hers, they were so close now…so close.

She felt his hand gently caress her cheek and she opened her eyes to look up at him. She wanted to see him, wanted to make sure that all she saw was him. Lisbon smiled into his blue eyes, a smile that became a sharp cry as he entered her.

Slowly inch by delicious inch he filled her completely until he was sheathed to the hilt. For a long moment they stayed that way, joined completely, looking into each others eyes, their breathing fast and erratic. She ran her fingertips up his arms and across his back before burying them into the curls at the nape of his neck.

Then he began to move, a slow steady rocking motion of his hips that was quickly driving her wild. She shut her eyes when his lips found her throat and began to nibble on the spot just above her pulse. She had wanted this and imagined this for weeks, worried that this would never come. And here it was and it was so much more than she ever thought would be.

Lisbon kissed a path up to his ear before whispering. "More…faster." Pure pleasure raced through her veins as he began to do just that, picking up the pace into a faster rhythm that had her toes curling. She pressed one hand to her mouth as she began to feel the tip of her orgasm coming but Jane grabbed her hand, lacing his fingers through hers as he continued his steady pace. His other hand slipped between their sweaty-slicked skin until he found that sweet spot that caused her hips to jerk and she fell over the edge completely.

She tensed and bit her lip as the pleasure washed over her, digging her nails into the skin of his back before falling completely limp, completely drained. Jane continued to thrust a few more times, prolonging the warm feeling of her release before with a low moan he found his.

They stayed that way for a while, him still inside of her, just breathing heavily and reveling in the wonderful feeling of skin on skin. Finally Jane smiled softly at her and pressed a warm kiss to her forehead before rolling off of her. He didn't go far, pulling her up against him so her head rested on his chest.

Words could not describe this moment. Amazing, wonderful and incredible didn't seem to quite say it all. Complete was as close as she could come to saying it, finally after months of feeling broken…she felt whole again.

A small laugh escaped her lips and Jane looked down at her with amused eyes. "Care to share what you find so amusing?"

She laughed again, rolling onto her stomach so she was facing him. "We've known each other for nine years and we only did this _now_?"

Jane grinned and gently brushed the hair away from her face before caressing her cheek with his fingertips. "Well I think it has been established that we are both idiots." His thumb brushed against her lips before he pulled her down to kiss her again.

When they separated she laid her head on his chest once more while Jane ran his fingers through her hair. Without a doubt this was the definition of a perfect moment.

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The sunlight was streaming through her window when Lisbon finally cracked open her eyes. The first thing she saw was Jane smiling softly at her. She smiled back, the memories of their activities the night before sweet and wonderful. Was it possible to die of happiness?

"Did anyone ever tell you that you are beautiful when you sleep?" Jane asked her teasingly, finding her hand to hold it in his.

"Did anyone ever tell you it's creepy _watching_ someone sleep?" she quipped back with a wry grin.

He didn't reply but pressed a sweet kiss on her bare knuckles. "We're calling in sick today."

That made her smile even wider. "What sickness do we have that keeps us both out of work?"

"Smallpox? The Plague? I don't care, I'll make something up." He pulled her up against him, burying his lips in her hair. "I just want to stay like this all day."

That sounded pretty good to her. "Well I hope you slept well last night," she teased, "because I don't think we would get much rest."

She felt his smile against her hair. "Oh I did, how about you, my dear?"

Lisbon nodded affirmative. She'd slept wonderful…really wonderful. That was when it hit her. She hadn't dreamt at all.

For the first time in over six months Lisbon hadn't had a nightmare.

Jane most have noticed her shift in mood because he looked down at her with serious eyes. "What is it?"

She couldn't smile, even though she was bursting with happiness, she was too stunned. But she met his eyes and said very softly. "I didn't dream. Every night since the attack I've had…but not last night."

Jane smiled down at her and kissed the tip of her nose. "I love you," he whispered and hugged her tightly. He was just as happy as she was for her restful night free of her demons. "So, about calling in sick…?"

She laughed gaily and reached for her phone.

* * *

><p>AN: Cold showers are to your left hehehe. Yes Jane and Lisbon FINALLY did it! Time to celebrate! LOL It was a looooong road coming but it is so great to finally have gotten there! LOL We hope it was worth it!

In the next chapter Jane and Lisbon continue to grow comfortable with their REAL relationship but a case comes up involving another rape victim and Lisbon cannot remain unattached but she finds out her own strength by helping her and it leads her to make a decision regarding her own case.


	20. Jenna

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: YAY! I'm so glad that we finally got to post this chapter. I'm a little sad too, I used up all of the previously written material I had for this fic. Of course that means that no one has seen anything after this chapter...but it also means that the end is near. But this chapter is so great, we'll start off fluffy then get a little angsty but everyone will see where we are going next ;-)

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: This is a big chapter where Lisbon faced some demons again, but this time she's stronger. It's a great chapter that leads to her making a big decision about what she wants. I hope you all like it.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Malin**: Next chapter is here! It was so great to finally get to post that scene though, they are FINALLY past ALL of their own emotional hangups. It's wonderful that they are in a full fledged relationship now.

**Anonymous:** HAHAHA You had the most appropriate review for the last chapter. I hope your reaction is similar for this one!

**Margaux:** LOL I based that off of a scene I saw in a movie, it just seemed like something Jane would tease her about. You won't find out about the rapist THIS chapter but you will for SURE in chapter 21.

**Adeline:** Awwww thanks so much, I'm glad you enjoyed it

**German Girl:** No offense taken, it was a bit late but it felt right to have a small break in the case there at least. Lisbon's nightmares will always be with her...but hopefully not so often anymore. Thanks for reviewing!

**Tina:** Awww thanks so much, I'm glad it felt right. Rape case won't be solved THIS chapter, but you'll get your answers very VERY soon.

**Dodge1989:** Yes we were waiting to post it too! I'm glad everyone seemed to enjoy it! Awww I'm glad that little bit touched you.

**Red John:** Oh wow, you reviewed again! I am sorry we have disappointed you (please dont' kill us!) but I must say I'm really glad that you ship Jane and Lisbon. Hopefully you'll like where this is going too.

**SweetlyLove30: **WOW So glad you enjoyed it that much! In the end it was really that simple, she just need to know for sure that Jane wanted this as much as she did. Please, feel free to translate this fic, it's almost finished so it'll be ready for you.

* * *

><p>Chapter 20: Jenna<p>

Two things happened that week that never ever happened. Lisbon called in sick one day…and Jane didn't come in at all.

Normally it was entirely believable that two coworkers just happened to not come in, everyone took a personal day…just not Jane and Lisbon. The rest of the team knew something was up. Maybe Lisbon was sick, maybe they could have bought Jane's explanation of "if Lisbon isn't coming in, there's not reason to"…until the next morning.

Lisbon came rushing in right on time. Not early. She was _always_ early, what could have happened to make her come later than normal? And why was Jane late?

"You were sick yesterday?" Cho asked as she walked in.

Lisbon stopped in her tracks, blushed a little and flipped her hair back. "Uhh yeah, it was just a virus. I'm all better now." Lisbon grinned now, "A lot better." Rigsby and Grace exchanged looks, since when did Lisbon smile like that? She cleared her throat, "So uhhh, work. I have to get back to that."

"Jane is late," Cho stated, still studying her.

Lisbon looked up. "Is he? Weird." She smiled nervously now. "Well uhh I'm sure he'll be here in a few minutes."

She didn't wait around to listen to any more questions but hurried along to her office, grinning once more. Cho and the rest of the team watched her leave as if her retreating figure would answer the questions that were on the tips of their tongues.

Cho finally stepped back towards the rest of the team. "Well they might not have been sleeping together before…but they are _now_."

He took his seat at his desk as if he hadn't just made a major pronouncement about the personal lives of their coworkers. All the others could do was stare at him and then at their boss's closed door, waiting for the other member of this equation to make an appearance.

Jane finally did come in and one look at the smile on his face erased any doubt whatsoever.

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It had been a very light day but nobody had been bored. Jane and Lisbon were all smiles that day, especially as they'd headed out for lunch together. Normally that wasn't unusual, they often shared meals. It was just those damn smiles.

The rest of the team spent the entire day trying to decipher if what they think happened between their boss and their consultant really did happen. Every sly look and simple smile was dissected and analyzed with only one logical conclusion. But there was no way to be absolutely certain without a confession.

None of them had the guts to try and get one out of Lisbon; she was their boss and the best shot out of any of them. Lucky for them Jane didn't have a gun; unfortunately he was going to be a nut that would be impossible to crack unless he wanted to. All they could hope was maybe he wouldn't mind sharing a little.

They all met again at the bar, looking over the case file to hopefully find someway to narrow down the list of suspects that they had. But they were close to hitting a brick wall until they could find a way to look at these people individually, but that was hard to do without catching Lisbon's attention.

"Maybe we can eliminate anyone on this list that wasn't a cop," Grace offered.

"Can't do that," Jane pointed out, "we don't know how many of them have military experience or just have a hobby learning how to take down people twice their size."

"So basically we have no way to cut this down."

"Not without talking to them and not without Lisbon finding out."

They all sighed sadly with that comment, they knew he was right. The weird thing was that Jane wasn't so upset by that, nope, he still seemed like he was in a damn good mood. Grace met Rigsby and Cho's eyes, silently commenting on that very interesting thing.

"Speaking of Lisbon," Grace began coyly, "How is she?"

Jane met her eyes but remained perfectly calm. "She's fine."

"That's it? Fine?"

"She needs to be more than that?"

Rigsby and Grace shrugged. "No details?"

Jane raised an eyebrow at that, his smile widening. "If you want details then you'll have to ask her, I'm just telling you she's fine."

"Yes but how fine?"

"How fine?" Jane repeated, "well she's not dying or sick so I'd say overall that she's very fine."

For a long moment all he did was stare at the three of them and they just stared back. It was Cho was tired to the game. "Cut the crap, Jane."

He raised his eyebrows again, grinning in amusement. "Excuse me?"

"We know."

"About what?"

"You and Lisbon."

Jane sat up and leveled his gaze with Cho, still very much amused. "I didn't realize that our team was something that needed to be discussed."

"Well maybe it is," Rigsby stated looking from Jane to Cho and back again.

He grinned at all of them, idly tapping his hand on the tabletop. "And you expect me to just agree with that?"

"Well…yeah."

Jane laughed and took a sip of his beer. "You keep dreaming, Rigsby."

Grace gave him a small glare. "We just want to know how Lisbon is doing."

"I told you she's fine."

"How fine?" Grace asked again, "is she getting stronger? Is she no longer depressed? Is she sleeping better?"

"Sleeping better?" Jane repeated, "What makes you think I'd be privy to intimate information like that?"

They all exchanged awkward glances, none of them wanted to actually voice what they were thinking. "Well…are you?"

Jane just grinned. "This is beginning to feel like an interrogation, but I know that the three of you are smart enough to realize that I would never divulge anything I didn't want you to know about. So if I'm not telling you something then I don't want you to know and therefore it is really none of your business."

"But Lisbon—."

"Lisbon is fine, she's not depressed and she's not angry," Jane assured them, "I am doing what I said I would, helping her. That's all you need to know. Now…can we get back to work?" They studied him for a moment but he didn't blink, Jane could win any staring contest. Finally they all nodded and Jane picked up another file smiling now.

"And yes, Grace. Lisbon is sleeping much better."

He didn't take his eyes off the file but he didn't have to. The rest of the team looked at one another in shock. Then they all smiled at Jane who still wasn't look at them, just continuing with his work. It didn't matter.

They had their answer.

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The next day was Lisbon who was a few minutes late and Jane who was right on time. He was happily lying on his couch like usual as she made her way down the hall to her office as if nothing was wrong. Again it was Cho who approached her. "You're late."

Lisbon blushed again and nodded. "Yeah it was just uhhhh traffic, had a late start you know?"

He nodded and shrugged. "Maybe you and Jane should hurry it up in the mornings."

Lisbon gaped at Cho in shock as he simply turned back to his desk. She saw that the rest of the team was smiling but wouldn't meet her eyes.

Jane just grinned from his couch. "I told you they would find out."

She glared at him and made her way over to her office, certain her cheeks would never be not blushing again.

* * *

><p>Lisbon didn't hide the new turn in her relationship with Jane from Nancy this time. She told her at their next scheduled session. As always, Nancy was supportive and even congratulated her on how well things were going, especially on her first night of being nightmare free.<p>

Two weeks later and she still had yet to have a nightmare.

"It's been really good," Lisbon said without prompt, "My team has all found out about me and Jane and they're very supportive." She rolled her eyes and added, "Of course Cho and Rigsby had a bet going on, but that's just them. Grace was happy. I was worried she'd be upset since she and Rigsby didn't work out, but she was fine. It's all good."

"And you haven't had any nightmares since?" Nancy confirmed.

Lisbon shook her head. "I'm finally sleeping without pills. It's great."

Nancy nodded and smiled. "This is fantastic, Teresa. I can see how much better you are. It's wonderful."

"You don't think I'm kidding myself or delusional?"

"Is that what you think?"

Lisbon shook her head. "No, I'm happy. I know I am. I am finally happy and I was afraid I would never feel that way again."

"That's excellent." Nancy set her notepad away and placed her hands in her lap. "I think there is something we should discuss."

"Okay."

"You've fully acclimated back to your life and have regained your control over your fears. I think it's time we started reducing your sessions."

Lisbon blinked back at, not sure she heard what she'd said completely. "Really?"

"Yes." Nancy inclined her head slightly as she looked at her. "I hope you don't view this with any apprehension."

"No, I'm just surprised," she said, "I guess I got so used to these sessions I never thought about them ending."

"That's understandable and I hope you know that I wouldn't suggest this unless I was confident that you were ready."

Lisbon nodded. "I know and…I think I am ready."

Nancy smiled at her. "That's great. And you can still call me if you ever feel the need to talk about anything. I'll always be available for you."

"Thanks," Lisbon said, "And I will, if I need to that is."

Their session closed shortly after that and this time Lisbon felt the need to shake her therapist's hand. She knew it wouldn't be the last time she would see her, but the end was coming. A part of her would miss her, but Lisbon knew this was how it was supposed to be. She was strong again. She was finally herself.

He didn't take that away from her after all.

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Jane was waiting for Lisbon when she arrived home from her session. "Hey," he said once she walked in. He was reading _Pride and Prejudice_, probably because it was the only classic book she had but she knew she would be making fun of him for that later.

"How'd it go?"

"Great," Lisbon said, "Nancy thinks I'm ready to cut back on my sessions with her."

Jane set aside his book. "That's wonderful and I concur with her."

"Good, but…there's something I want to do."

He blinked back at her with surprise. "What's that?"

Lisbon went to her closet and removed the box that held the remnants of her dark past, her depression and fears. She hadn't looked at in a while. She'd been too afraid to. But now it was just a box and she was ready to be rid of it all.

She brought the box back to the living room and opened it. Jane peeked inside, his golden brows lifting as he recognized the titles. Lisbon didn't answer his silent question. She just tossed all of the books into the fireplace. She took some lighter fluid and a box of matches from a box she kept by the fireplace. One strike and all of the books were ablaze.

"I'm done with that," she said to the crackling flames. She felt Jane put his hand on her shoulder and she leaned back into his touch. She was really done with it. She had finally moved on.

* * *

><p>Lisbon was experiencing a lazy evening, it wasn't something she was particularly used to but now that she and Jane were in what could only be described as a romantic relationship, she wasn't spending most nights doing paperwork. Now that their physical problems had been resolved, her bedroom was a decidedly pleasant place to be. Like most nights she was wearing one of Jane's button down shirts and nothing else. Jane could tease her all he wanted about her wearing his clothing but they were comfortable to sleep in and they smelled like him. Besides, he seemed to enjoy taking them off.<p>

Jane was enjoying his book, whatever he was reading, she learned quickly that Jane's taste in literature was extremely diverse. It might explain why he seemed to know a little about everything. She had considered one of her own classics be it Austen or Brontë but instead she'd settled on Jane's extremely thick copy of the complete works of Shakespeare. He'd raised an eyebrow at her when she'd picked it up which only made her more determined to read something from it.

For a moment her fingers found the page where the play _Titus Andronicus_ began. She'd paused, fingering the now familiar opening lines of the play. She'd read it so many times. But that was when things were different, when she had been in a terrible place. She didn't want to go back. She wasn't going to go back.

So she'd flipped the book over to _Hamlet_, the play Jane had teasingly suggested months ago in their argument over her obsession with Lavinia. It was apparently one of his favorites so it had to be good.

But Jane's copy was complete…without annotations. She wasn't dumb by any means but she also didn't have Jane's encyclopedia like brain. It was difficult to follow along with the plot, especially when the characters would spout on endlessly about things, referencing stories she didn't know.

She let out a frustrated groan and turned the book over. "All right I give up." Jane laughed; he must have been expecting this. "I mean what the hell is he saying?" He was still laughing. She glared at him. "Stop that."

"You're amusing when you're frustrated."

"Then you must find me _amusing_ 24/7."

His grin told her that she'd hit the nail on the head. "Hamlet is a very complicated character."

"Well he talks to his father's ghost so I don't find that surprising." Lisbon picked up the book again and flipped to the passage that had most recently been troubling her. "What the hell is he doing with Ophelia here?"

Jane leaned over to peek at the page she was looking at. "He's deliberately being confusing."

"Sounds like something you do all the time."

He smiled at her wit but continued to press on. "Hamlet is feigning madness, and Ophelia is there as bait."

"He doesn't know that."

"Doesn't matter, he wants everyone to believe he is going insane so that he can continue to plot his revenge against his uncle."

"Then why does he say that he loved Ophelia but then changes his mind?" Lisbon asked, "Then he tells her to go off and become a nun? It doesn't make sense!"

He chuckled softly. "He knows Ophelia is controlled by her father, Polonius, who is loyal to Claudius."

"So he didn't love her."

"I never said that."

Lisbon threw the book down again. "Ugh! This is ridiculous." He was laughing again. She sighed and opened the book again. "I don't get it. Why is he being so mean to Ophelia? She seems nice. Sweet and innocent."

"Oh she isn't that innocent," Jane told her and she saw a suggestive grin.

"What? What could possibly be here that makes you smile like that?"

His grin remained as he pointed to the page. "The nunnery."

"Yeah…so?"

"It's not the context that you think it is. As the good Catholic girl you are, you are thinking of sweet old ladies in habits," He explained, "but in the time of the talented William Shakespeare, nunneries had a much _seedier_ connotation."

Lisbon scoffed at him. "Oh come on."

"No, I'm serious. Nunneries were where those of wealth and power sent their promiscuous daughters."

"You're making that up."

"I swear it's the truth." Jane assured her, "by telling her to go to a nunnery he is essentially saying that she belongs there."

"Hamlet could just be saying that to be mean," Lisbon pointed out, "he doesn't seem to have any love for women when he says we are 'breeders of sinners'."

That made Jane smile again. "True enough, Hamlet certainly has his problems with the fairer sex, especially in regards to his mother. However…" He began to flip through the book to an earlier scene. "I would like to turn your attention to this part."

She looked down at the scene he had pointed to. "So, Ophelia is talking with her father."

"Ah but look at what her father is talking about," Jane said pointing to a specific line. "He says she has been with Hamlet, _alone_." His tone was now very suggestive. Then he began to lay soft kisses where the open collar of his shirt left her neck and part of her shoulder bare. "Away from any prying eyes." His kisses made a path towards her ear where he whispered, "I wonder what they could have been doing during those times."

Lisbon closed her eyes and enjoyed the pleasurable sensations Jane was sending through her veins with his lips. The man was gifted; there was no doubt about that. And she certainly knew what he was implying about the two characters they had been discussing now. She was tempted to further reenact what he was suggesting.

"All right," she said, her breath was a little ragged from Jane's kisses. "So maybe something was going on between Ophelia and Hamlet. That doesn't mean he was in love with her," She pointed out. "He certainly doesn't seem to care about her if he wants to send her away."

"Yes but what about his actions at her grave?"

"Her grave? She dies?"

"Yes, she kills herself after Hamlet kills her father. She goes mad after Polonius dies and she drowns herself in a creek."

She smacked his chest. "You're spoiling the whole play!"

"Hush woman, you knew this was a tragedy. Everyone dies."

"Not _everyone_ dies."

"Everyone of note," Jane replied and she couldn't very well disagree with him. She'd read a few of the Bard's notorious tragedies and she'd learned quickly that few of the main characters made it past the ending unscathed.

"All right what happens at Ophelia's grave?"

Jane smiled and flipped through the book to a later act. "Hamlet is in the cemetery after evading the pirates—."

"Now I know you're making this up." He gave her that slightly annoyed look which only made her smile. She was finally beginning to see why he liked to pick on people, it was kind of fun. "All right, so he's at the cemetery."

Jane smiled and continued with his explanation. "He comes upon the funeral and figures out that it is Ophelia who has died. Laertes leaps into the grave and Hamlet does the same."

Lisbon gave him an incredulous look. "Why would _anyone_ do that?"

"Because they are both mad with grief."

"I thought Hamlet was already mad."

"Has anyone told you that you are incredibly impatient?"

"Is that the polite way of telling me to shut up and let you finish telling me this story?" she asked with a saucy smile.

"You said it not me."

With a wicked grin she leaned over and kissed him very softly, just enough to get him dazed. Then she leaned back on her pillows with a small smirk. "Okay, continue."

Jane blinked a couple of times as if trying to remember what they had been talking about, which only made her smile wider. It seems that in some areas, Jane was as much as a man as the rest of them. "All right," he cleared his throat and shook his head a little, yep still dazed. "Where was I?"

She grinned, "Hamlet and Laertes jumped into Ophelia's grave."

"Yes, and they basically get into a fight over who loved her more. Hamlet even says that the love of forty brothers could not compare to his, that he would have done any number of epic deeds like Hercules for her love before leaving abruptly in his grief." Jane finished explaining, "His outrage that Laertes would believe otherwise clearly shows that Hamlet did have feelings for her."

Lisbon looked at the book in Jane's hand, all humor gone from her face. "That's sad."

"Well it is a tragedy."

"No, well yes, but what I meant was that it's sad that Hamlet did all of this." Jane looked at her with a questioning expression so she continued. "He loved Ophelia and she loved him, they were even lovers. Yet he treated her terribly, so much so that she dies believing that he has rejected her."

Jane shrugged. "It wasn't intentional."

"But he still did it. He was so focused on revenge that he was completely blind to who he was hurting. His actions and rash behavior led to Ophelia's death and eventually his own. It begs the question, what did he care about more? His love or revenge?"

Jane was quiet for a moment as he pondered her question. She hadn't meant to turn this into a heavy discussion…but there was a lot more on her mind than Shakespeare's eccentric characters. Finally he caught her gaze with an incredibly tender look in his eyes. "Maybe he didn't know that some things and some people are more important than revenge."

From the way he was looking at her, Lisbon knew that he wasn't talking about Hamlet either.

Her heart pounded with hope that maybe her fears were being relieved. But she didn't have the courage to ask. She also wished that she hadn't brought up her doubts like this now.

Apparently Jane agreed with her since he leaned back and began to furiously turn the pages. "Hey go back," she exclaimed, "I was reading that."

"You shouldn't be reading _Hamlet_," Jane said batting her hands away as she tried to reach for the book again, "it's too confusing for a novice."

"I am _not_ a novice!"

"Woman, please, you didn't even know about the nunneries."

She glared at him but he just gave her that angelic grin while continuing to flip through the book. "Where did you get the idea to read _Hamlet_ anyways?"

"From you," she reminded him with a triumphant smile.

He didn't glance up from the book. "Well that was foolish. You shouldn't have listened to me." Lisbon was about ready to take that prize and run with it except Jane let out a victorious "Ah ha!" and leaned back so she could see the book too. "This one is perfect."

Lisbon read the title and looked back up at Jane with a quizzical look. "_Much Ado About Nothing_?"

"It's a comedy."

"Okay," she said, "and why should I read this particular play?"

"Well," Jane gave her a very sensual grin, "there's a woman named Beatrice, you'll like her, she's like you."

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Really?"

Jane leaned down so he his face was just inches from hers. "Yes, she's strong." He leaned down and kissed her lips. "Intelligent." His lips left a trail of kisses down her jaw and Lisbon closed her eyes, enjoying this character description immensely. "Beautiful." He found her throat now. "And she never lets Benedick get away with anything."

"Who is Benedick?"

He looked up to meet her eyes now but was still partially on top of her, Lisbon didn't mind that in the least. "He is the charming and unrepentant bachelor that is constantly having a battle of wits with Beatrice. They can't stand each other and always bicker."

"Why do they do that?"

Jane grinned now. "They were in love once."

She smiled. "Let me guess, it was all _his_ fault."

He laughed and nodded. "That's a good guess."

Lisbon wrapped her arms around Jane's neck, letting her fingers comb through his soft curls. "What happens with them?"

"Their friends decide to have a bit of fun. They trick them into believing that the other is in love and then they fall in love again."

He was smiling down at her in the most beautiful way she knew. "Is that all?"

"Well there is also slander, a fake death and a villainous prince." He said in a tone as if none of that was important

"Oh well then there's that," she returned with sarcasm. But she drew him down closer so that he was on top of her again. She felt his fingers begin to undo the buttons of his shirt so he could have access to the bare skin beneath it. "What happens to Beatrice in the end?"

Jane smiled, looking into her eyes. "She remains the same. Strong, stubborn and always bickering with Benedick." Jane leaned in closer so that she could feel his breath on her face. "So he says 'I will stop your mouth with a kiss'."

And then Jane did just that as well and Lisbon decided that Shakespeare might actually have some practical use.

After all, she couldn't think of anything more romantic than being made love to by Patrick Jane as he whispered Shakespeare's lines on love and beauty in her ear.

* * *

><p>An early evening had been pleasantly spent at Lisbon's apartment; no case that day meant a fairly boring day of paperwork for Lisbon and card tricks for Jane. The cure all for a boring day was one of Jane's fabulous home-cooked meals that always made her stomach very happy indeed. Accompanied by some fun flirty banter and the evening was heading towards spectacular.<p>

Happiness. That was what this feeling was. Waking up every morning in Jane's arms, going to work only to spend the night with Jane and then wake up all over again. That was happiness for Lisbon; she couldn't remember a time when she felt so complete. There wasn't any loneliness to creep up on her anymore, no sadness or pain. For once, she didn't feel like something was missing.

She didn't stop the smile on her face as she began to run the sink and soaped up the sponge so she could rinse the dirty dishes. "You don't have to do that," Jane told her as he set their wine glasses down on the counter.

"You made dinner so I'll do dishes, isn't that how the trade off goes?" She quipped and pointedly began scrubbing at one of the dishes with the sponge.

Lisbon thought that Jane would get the message and leave her alone to finish her chores, she should have known better than that. Jane placed one hand on either side of the sink, effectively trapping her in his arms. She felt his lips gently caress the skin of her neck; laying feather soft kisses there. "What are you doing?" she asked a little breathless. No matter how often they made love, she was still always craving him; it was safe to say he was an addiction.

"Just having my dessert," he whispered hotly in her ear.

That was all it took. She forgot about the dishes or the fact that the faucet was still running. She turned around to face him and wrapped her wet soapy hands around his neck while he bent down to capture her lips with his. It was a strong passionate kiss that made her weak at the knees but Jane knew the effect he had on her.

He lifted her up and set her on the counter, now he stood in between her legs, a position that was suddenly very convenient. Lisbon lifted her head again so she could kiss him once more, letting him make love to her with his lips. She wondered briefly if they would even make it to her bedroom but that thought was interrupted by something other than Jane's passionate ministrations.

Her phone began to ring and vibrate along the counter. She let out a groan. Since her team was on call it was almost certainly dispatch interrupting her evening for a case.

Jane must have heard the phone too but he obviously didn't care. "Don't answer it," he told her while his tracing one delicate shell of her ear with his tongue.

"We're on call," she reminded him as she pushed him aside to hop off of the counter. At his bereft groan Lisbon gave him a glare while she answered her phone. "Agent Lisbon," she answered and turned her back on Jane.

"Agent Lisbon," the bored voice of the dispatch officer said, "SACPD has called in about a body found in Manchester Park."

Jane came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. Lisbon tried to slap them away but with only one hand and busy on the phone, she didn't make any progress. Instead she simply decided to ignore him, even when he began to nuzzle her neck again. "All right, what do we know?"

"White male, early twenties, it could be a mugging gone wrong."

"Is SACPD asking for—" Her words were interrupted as a low moan escaped her lips when Jane found that particularly sensitive spot on her neck that always had her quaking.

"Agent Lisbon?" the dispatch officer sounded startled.

"Oh God I'm sorry," she stammered out, "I…uh…stubbed my toe." Jane started chuckling now and she smacked his hand as hard as she could.

The officer on the line cleared his throat. "Well…uh, SACPD is requesting assistance."

"All right, I'll tell my team, thank you," she said hanging up her phone with a wince. Lisbon whirled around to face the very man who was causing her so much trouble. "I'm going to kill you."

"Yes I know," Jane said with a grin. He framed her face with his hands and leaned in to kiss her softly, "but there are other things we could do."

At first Lisbon was determined to remain unresponsive but Jane was a master in the art of seduction. But she wasn't a novice either; she knew exactly how to play this game. She wrapped her arms around his neck again and kissed him back, pressing her hips up against the very obvious ridge in his pants.

"This is so nice," she breathed tracing her fingertips over the bare skin that was peeking beneath the collar of his shirt. Now was the time to play dirty.

Lisbon pushed him away with a gamine grin, "Too bad we have a case."

Jane was startled at being shoved back and blinked up at her a couple of times until he realized how he had been played. "Come on," he said, almost begging, "you can't leave this hanging…so to speak."

Her eyes drifted down to the bulge jutting out from his pants, nope that couldn't be comfortable. Well this was payback wasn't it? "Well Jane, I can't help you with that problem. Perhaps you should use that biofeedback you've bragged so often about." With that she turned on her heel and flounced off to gather her things.

She heard Jane speaking as she walked off. "All right sweetheart, but remember, I'll have my revenge."

Lisbon couldn't contain the shiver at his low voice. She had no doubt that he would fulfill that promise…and she would enjoy every minute of it.

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The body was found right by the jogging trail at Manchester Park. At first the lead officer seemed to have had the right idea. The wallet and ID of the victim were gone, it seemed like it was a mugging gone bad. Even the gunshot wound fit with that theory.

But it was Jane who noticed the keys resting by the body. And since Jane didn't have any care for evidence, he simply picked up the car keys and headed for the parking lot. "Jane, what are you doing?"

"Proving that this wasn't a mugging."

"How the hell could you know that?"

He smiled but didn't stop walking. "What kind of mugger steals a wallet but not his expensive watch he was wearing or the very nice car that he was driving?"

The lights of a new _Mitsubishi_ convertible blinked on and both of them headed in that direction. "What do you think you are going to find?"

"I don't predict, I just look," Jane said as he opened the car door and looked inside. "And I couldn't have predicted this."

He held up a small woman's clutch purse. Lisbon eyed it with interest. "You think his girlfriend left that in here."

"What woman leaves her purse in her boyfriend's car?"

"One who thinks she'll be back soon…so where is she?"

Jane looked at her knowingly. "A very good question. Either she's the killer or…"

"Or she's been kidnapped." Lisbon finished for him, grabbing the purse to look through the wallet for an ID. "Jenna Foster." Then she looked towards the rest of her team who was quickly gathering around them. "We need to put out an APB for Jenna Foster, age twenty-one. Call her parents, see what her plans were and how long she has been missing."

Lisbon caught Jane's eyes. "You think this was about her?"

"Well she's the one who's missing."

"Any idea why?"

Jane shrugged. "We'll have to find her first."

* * *

><p>Six hours later and the search for Jenna Foster was still ongoing but there wasn't any sign of her. Lisbon was focusing on the local search, which left Jane alone to follow his own leads on finding the missing young woman. He had made a few careful observations of the scene, noting the collection of <em>Catalina Ironwood<em> needles that were not native to the park at least.

Grace was helpful with this area. Figuring out which nearby state parks with cabins that had _Catalina Ironwoods_. Jane was lucky to find out only one was within an hour's drive of Manchester Park. That was where he needed to go.

"Rigsby," Jane said tapping the man on the shoulder, "Come with me."

"Where?"

"A secret mission."

"I don't like the sound of that."

Jane actually smiled at that statement. The team was wise to his antics but trusted him enough to follow his lead…just with a few reservations. But Rigsby did dutifully grab his weapon and badge before leaving the CBI with Jane.

The drive to Velora State Park wasn't too long and it was a very scenic place. The park official told them that none of the cabins were supposed to be rented at this season so that was a big help. "You think Jenna is in one of them."

"I think that Jenna was taken here by someone who knows the park well," Jane replied.

"Is she still alive?"

"Her boyfriend was killed by this man," Jane reminded him.

"So you don't think so."

"I think the plan was to do what he wanted to with Jenna and then kill her," Jane explained, "the question is how long he planned to toy with her first."

They started with the closest cabin but it was completely empty. Jane wasn't surprised, this killer would have wanted one that was a bit more secluded for his fun. They were checking the third cabin when Rigsby went in. Jane stayed out looking at the area; it was then that a glint of silver in sparse light caught his eye.

He heard Rigsby come out. "Nothing, no sign of anyone being in there. There are only two cabins left, maybe she was never here."

Jane was barely listening. He picked up the silver charm; it was of a running horse. The same one that Jenna was wearing in her driver's license photo. "She was here." His eyes followed the path into the woods and he saw the broken twig…and part of a bare footprint. "She went this way."

He didn't wait for Rigsby, just took off in the direction of the trail. Rigsby was quick to follow though. "Jenna! Jenna!"

They continued their trek into the woods but Jane was finding few traces of the missing girl. There was a small clearing and both men stopped and Jane held up his hand to silence Rigsby. He wanted to listen. There was a small brook babbling, trees rustling…the sound of someone walking.

He met Rigsby's eyes just as the other man heard it too. They headed in that direction on a small path, probably was a bear trail at some point. "Jenna!"

It took a moment…but then he saw her.

She was stumbling in the opposite direction; it was like she didn't even hear them. Her movements were erratic, like she wasn't even thinking. She was in shock.

Jane hung back while Rigsby stepped forward to get her. "Jenna? Jenna? It's okay." He grabbed her arm and she finally met his gaze…and then Jane's.

Her light brown hair hung limp and tangled, she had a black eye and dried blood on her face from her nose. But it was her eyes. Those empty blank eyes that Jane recognized immediately what had happened to her.

He didn't have to see the torn clothing, the bruises on her wrists or the frightened way she gaped at them. All he had to see was her eyes to know.

Just like Lisbon all those months ago.

* * *

><p>Lisbon was rushing through the halls of the Sutter General Hospital where Rigsby had informed her that the ambulance containing Jenna Foster was going. She hadn't had a lot of time to talk to the agent about what happened, all she really knew was that Jane had squired both of them away on a hunch where the suspect would go. Jane's comments earlier made it clear that he had assumed Jenna was dead, finding her alive must have been quite a surprise, but a welcome one.<p>

A trio of uniformed cops were standing by the elevator on the fourth floor, a sure sign that she was heading in the right direction. A few steps down the hall and she spotted Rigsby's tall frame. Standing next to him was Jane; the mop of blonde curls was unmistakable. "Rigsby!" she called out as she hurried down the hall to stand in front of the two men. "What happened? How is she?"

"She's got some cuts and bruises," Jane told her, but his voice betrayed a hint of real concern. She couldn't help but notice that he didn't say that Jenna would be "fine."

"We found her in the woods," Rigsby explained, "she was pretty out of it, just kind of wandering around."

"Did she escape?"

Jane nodded. "He didn't intend to let her go, not when she can identify him."

"So she did see him," Lisbon stated more than asked and both men nodded their heads. "Well that is good." She sighed feeling some tension ease knowing that at least the missing persons portion of the homicide case had turned out well. But she didn't like this strange vibe that was coming off of Rigsby and Jane, like they were very uncomfortable with her there. "Jenna's mother is on her way over here, but we should talk to her and get a statement about what happened…" Her voice trailed off when she saw Rigsby visibly shift in his stance and then he couldn't meet her eyes. "What aren't you telling me?"

"Nothing," Rigsby said far too quickly. Now she knew for sure that they were hiding something.

Lisbon didn't have the time or the patience to wheedle the information out of Rigsby. Instead she turned her focus to Jane, believing that their current relationship and his own intuition would make him realize that keeping her in the dark would be a very bad idea. Jane was obviously reluctant to speak but finally met her eyes and said very softly, "Jenna was raped."

Like she normally did now whenever the subject of sexual assault was brought up, Lisbon froze like ice in the freezer. Her lips parted but no sound came out and she instinctively stepped back until her back was pressed against the wall. She knew that she needed to keep herself together; she needed to let her team know that she could handle it. "Oh," Lisbon managed to stammer out, "Okay." But her voice betrayed that this was really was hard for her, it didn't help that memories of her own assault continued to flash through her mind.

She managed to take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She couldn't fall apart, she wouldn't, she was stronger now. "Did Jenna say anything or…"

"No," Jane replied, his voice was soft and all she saw was concern in his beautiful eyes. "She has refused to talk about it."

"But you are sure, you are sure that he…" the rest of the sentence died in her throat. She met his eyes again and she had no doubt what he had seen when they found Jenna. "Of course you are sure."

Lisbon was no longer blinded by her own pain, which is why she could see how hard this was on her team. It must have been like walking back into the past, especially for Jane. Finding Jenna like that…it was too similar to what happened to her for his own comfort. And her past reaction to a sexual assault case was no reassurance; after all she had freaked out and practically attacked a suspect. Not to mention the night spent with a bottle of tequila and her gun.

That had been her lowest of low points. No wonder why they hadn't wanted to tell her.

Of course that was still a problem. Lisbon made a point of meeting Rigsby's eyes. "Hey, listen to me. I'm team leader, this is my team and I need to be aware of everything that is going on. You can't keep information like this from me." Her eyes softened and she smiled just a little. "I know why you did this and I appreciate it, it's very sweet, but keeping information from me is exactly what you should _not_ do. I'm a big girl, I can take it."

Rigsby's expression changed from embarrassed to relief. "Understood, boss." Well at least she had convinced one person that she wasn't going to fall apart.

Lisbon sighed ready to return to the matter at hand. "Has the Forensic Nurse come by yet?"

Jane shook his head. "She's refusing to admit what happened."

That sounded familiar. Usually Lisbon would feel frustrated at a time like this, that a victim was hurting the investigation like this because she was too afraid to admit what everyone already knew. But that frustration didn't come anymore, now it was replaced with empathy and sadness. She knew that feeling, she knew why someone would do this, why they would want to shut their eyes and pretend that nothing happened at all.

"Let me talk to her," Lisbon said, not even believing it herself. Jane and Rigsby looked up at her surprised, even more so when she added. "Alone."

Jane kept his gaze pinned on hers for a long moment, studying her, carefully making sure that she really was able to do this. Lisbon knew she wouldn't come completely unraveled this time. She also knew that this was something that she had to do. Finally he simply nodded his head; he understood exactly why she needed to do this.

She hesitated just for a moment before slowly turning the handle and stepping into the hospital room.

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Jenna Foster was lying in the hospital bed. She was sporting a black eye and a couple more bruises marred her arms and wrist but on the surface she was relatively unscathed. But Lisbon knew that look on her face very well: she'd lived with it.

"Hello Jenna," Lisbon said smiling softly, "I'm Agent Lisbon. I wanted you to know that we called your mother, she should be here soon."

"You called my mom?" Jenna repeated, her voice was wooden and dead, "what did you tell her?"

"Not much," she admitted, "that you were safe and where you were." Jenna leaned back on the bed, clearly relieved. Jane was right, she was trying to deny what had happened. Lisbon was at a loss at what to say for a moment. How could she broach this subject? There hadn't been a good way to do it when _she_ had been the one lying in that bed.

"Jenna," she began carefully, "we need to talk about what happened."

Jenna met Lisbon's eyes, they were cold and sullen. "Chris is dead."

"Yes he is," Lisbon said. This was horrible, to be raped by the same man who killed her boyfriend, it was awful. "Can you tell me about the man who killed him?"

"I didn't recognize him," Jenna replied.

"Did you get a good look at him?" Jenna nodded, well that was a start. "You saw him kill Chris…and then he took you?"

"He put me in his truck and drove off," Jenna explained.

"Where did he take you?"

"Some cabin."

Jenna looked away and Lisbon noticed that she was beginning to shake. Tears were rolling down her cheeks. She knew without a doubt what she was reliving. "What did he do to you?"

"Nothing," Jenna stated firmly.

"Jenna—."

"He didn't do anything," she repeated, "I escaped, the other guys found me, that's it." She met Lisbon's eyes again, "No offense, because you seem nice and all, but you can leave along with the other cops."

She didn't. "Jenna," Lisbon said slowly, "I want you to know that there is no shame in what happened to you. It wasn't your fault, what happened to Chris…what this man did to you, none of it was your fault." She took a step closer to the bed. "But if we are going to have a good chance at catching this guy, we need your help."

Jenna cut her off. "You want me to tell you what happened, to let them pick me over like trash. No. I won't do that, I won't let them do that to me."

"Jenna, please—."

"I said no."

Lisbon was floundering a little now, which is why she said the oldest line in the handbook. "Jenna, I understand how you feel, but being honest is really the best thing to do."

And just like her, Jenna responded to that line badly. "You understand? What do you mean you _understand_? You're a cop! You don't get anything. You just say crap like that because that is your job, that's all we are to you, just another part of your _work._ Do me a favor and leave, I don't want to hear any dumb lies."

Jenna pointedly looked away and Lisbon was at a complete loss for words. She remembered being this woman, saying almost the exact same thing. She had hated it too. The cliché lines that everyone said but didn't really mean. Sure, they wanted it to be the truth but it wasn't, none of them knew the horrors she saw whenever she closed her eyes.

Lisbon felt that hopelessness now. She knew what it was like to be lying in that bed and how empty words were no help. Slowly she began to walk towards the door to fulfill Jenna's request.

But she stopped halfway towards the door.

She did know what it was like to be that woman. To be terrified, to feel dirty and to be completely and utterly alone. She knew those feelings so well and when she'd said that she'd "understood"…that was the truth. She did understand.

Which is why she knew that what Jenna really wanted was exactly that. For someone to really understand.

Lisbon had no idea how she would do it, but she knew exactly what she had to do.

She turned around to face Jenna and broke the silence with piercing words of truth. "Seven months ago…I was raped."

And there it was, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Jenna looked up at her again; this time her face betrayed her surprise…and something else…hope.

And then the words just came tumbling out.

"I was at a fundraiser for the CBI. I went outside for a few minutes just to get some air." Lisbon smiled a little, not from happiness or joy, but really just at how ironic it all was. "I remember I was looking through the window at the people inside. It's funny how that kind of stuff just stays with you, a crystal clear image of that moment before everything changes. That was the last thing I saw before…watching people all laughing and dancing…"

She met Jenna's gaze again. "I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't hear him come up behind me. I didn't even know he was there until he slammed my head up against the wall." She took in a deep breath before continuing, "He dragged me into an alley and he…he raped me."

It took Lisbon several moments of deep breathing to keep herself steady, but she still had to brush away the tears that spilled from her eyes. She glanced up to see Jenna completely focused on her. "What happened next?" Jenna asked, almost like a child hearing a bedtime story.

"I…I was kind of in a daze, one second he was there and then he was gone. I remember that all I could think about was getting home, just going home so I could clean myself up and then it would be like it didn't happen." Lisbon shook her head. "Somehow I stumbled out to the parking lot. I was in bad shape, he'd beaten the hell out of me, my wrist was broken and I needed stitches on my arm and head…I was a mess.

"A friend found me," Lisbon explained, "Actually it was Jane."

The corners of Jenna's lips twitched. "He found me too."

Lisbon did smile this time. "Jane has a way of being there when you need him most." That was the truth, throughout this dark and terrible journey after her attack; Jane had been there for her every step of the way. It was no small wonder why she loved him so much.

"It was all a blur until I got to the hospital," Lisbon said, continuing on with her story. "But when my team showed up to talk to me about what happened…I didn't tell them."

"Really?"

Lisbon nodded. "I was embarrassed. I couldn't believe that something like that would happen to me and I just…I just thought that if I kept it to myself, then no one would know and it would be like it didn't happen." She paused for a moment. "But that wasn't true. I would still know and there was no way I would ever forget that. Besides, my team is good. They would have figured it out on their own even if I had kept it to myself.

"But it wasn't just that," Lisbon explained, her voice becoming strong and determined. "I realized that I wanted to give my team the best chance they could to catch this guy. I wanted them to have that because I wanted them to find him so I could look him in the eye and let him see _me_. To let him know that he didn't own me, that he didn't win."

Jenna was quiet for a long while before asking softly. "Did they find him?"

That was the hardest part.

Lisbon reluctantly shook her head. "No, I still don't know who he is." She sighed. "But I know it's from no fault of my team's. I gave them everything I could and I know that there is hope, that one day they will find him and I will be able to let him know exactly what I think about him."

She met Jenna's eyes and kept her gaze steady. "I'm telling you this because when I say that I understand, I mean it. I do know what it is like to feel this way. To feel sad, ashamed and dirty. To be so afraid of what you'll see when you close your eyes that you don't even want to sleep. I've been there…and that is the real truth.

"This is going to be hard. You are going to be living through a special kind of hell, but you can get through it. It will get better. What you really need is hope. It's that simple. I know that's hard to believe but it's the truth."

Lisbon sat up straight but kept her voice firm. "It's also how I know why you don't want to admit it. I get it, I really do. I decided to go through with the SAFE kit because I needed that chance to find him…but we are different. If you honestly do not want to do that, to look him in eye…that's okay. I understand, I do. And I promise you that I will still walk out of here and do everything in my power to find the man who killed Chris, with everything that we already have.

"This is your choice. Just tell me what you want to do."

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Rigsby and Jane were still waiting outside in the hallway when Lisbon opened the door and stepped out. They met her eyes immediately, questions dancing before them but they didn't say anything for a while. She knew she looked tired and worn down, she felt that way.

"How'd it go?" Rigsby finally asked.

Lisbon paused for a moment and offered him a small smile. "I need you to get the Forensic Nurse, tell her to bring a SAFE kit."

Rigsby nodded his head but returned her small smile with one of his own before hurrying off to do just as she said. Lisbon released a deep breath and ran one hand over her eyes; the tension was obviously coiled throughout her body.

"You okay?" Jane asked softly.

Lisbon didn't look up but nodded her head. "I'm fine." Then she felt his hand on her shoulder and with his other he gently tilted her face up to look into his eyes. She saw that he didn't believe her not for a second, she saw concern and fear there…and love, so much love. "I'm sort of fine," she revised her earlier statement.

She reached up and took the hand that was cupping her chin and held it in her own, lacing her fingers through his. "I'm not going to fall apart this time," Lisbon told him.

"I know," he said, his voice was very soft. He believed her, but it didn't stop him from being concerned.

"I'm going to stay here with Jenna," Lisbon explained, "I'll wait and bring the SAFE kit back to HQ, you go back with Rigsby, see if the local police have found the cabin where he took her."

"I can stay—."

Lisbon smiled sweetly at him. "I know, but you need to help them find the scene…and Jenna needs me. I'll be fine"

Jane nodded and broke one of their rules, leaning down to give her one very soft kiss. But Lisbon didn't mind, she needed that tenderness to keep her strong.

* * *

><p>For the second time in her life Lisbon had to endure a rape kit exam, of course this time she was just a witness. It didn't make it any easier having to watch Jenna live through the photographs and the prodding that accompanied the kit. Lisbon remembered how she had felt, embarrassed and ashamed, like a piece of evidence that needed to be collected.<p>

Jenna took it well though, following through and answering the questions. She didn't lose control until the nurse began the pelvic exam. Just like Lisbon did, Jenna began to shake and cry when she had to spread her legs again. Lisbon couldn't stop herself; she reached over and took Jenna's hand, keeping it in a firm grip. "This is the worst part," she assured her, keeping her voice calm, "it'll be over soon." Jenna nodded and was able to regain some control over her body and the Forensic nurse was able to finish the exam, though the tears still spilled down her cheeks.

Once it really was finished Jenna's mother was allowed into the room. She rushed immediately to her daughter's side, crying and trying to hug her child. Lisbon allowed the woman to thank her repeatedly for finding Jenna and watching over her at the hospital. She caught Jenna's eye and gave her a warm reassuring smile before quietly slipping out of the room.

She took the SAFE kit with the evidence safely tucked inside back to the CBI where she deposited it with the forensic techs before heading up to the bullpen. The team was busy working, still trying to track down where the cabin was and following up reports of anyone that could be considered a suspect.

Jane was the one who saw her first, no surprise there. "Forensics has the evidence from the SAFE kit, Jenna's still at the hospital with her mother. I'll send a sketch artist so we can get a composite of our suspect, for now we'll focus on the description she gave." Lisbon told her team like the leader she was. "Any leads on the cabin?"

"Local PD are still searching," Cho explained, "the problem is that there is a lot of ground to cover."

"It had to be nearby," Jane reminded them, "she was on foot and in shock."

"It's still a big park," Lisbon gave the local police a break, "they'll contact us when they find it."

She walked over to her office to get back to work. She needed to contact the sketch artist and make sure that patrol units had the description of the suspect Jenna had provided. Jenna could identify him; it was likely that he would make a run for it.

But Lisbon knew Jane was going to follow her.

He shut the door behind them and she was grateful that her blinds were already shut, she needed to feel safe and secure and the best place for that was in Jane's arms. Jane didn't say anything at all, just walked over and wrapped her in his warm embrace. "You always know what I need," she said against his chest, breathing in that scent she loved so much.

She heard rather than saw his smile. "That's because I can read your mind." Jane kissed her hair, still hugging her close. "This is hard for you."

She nodded. "I just can't keep thinking…I _was_ her. I was lying in that bed, scared and alone and…" Lisbon brushed away the tears that spilled from her eyes. "God, I shouldn't let those memories get to me like this."

"It's okay," Jane reminded her, "everything is going to be okay."

Lisbon turned around to look him in the eyes, smiling softly at him. "That's what you told me…that night. When you held me in the parking lot."

Jane looked at her sadly and nodded. "I was lying."

"No you weren't," Lisbon cut in, leaning closer to him. "You were right, because everything is okay…_now_."

Jane didn't smile but he simply nodded his head. "You did a good thing for her."

She sighed. "I'm trying, she's so afraid and sad…and ashamed. I hope I can get through to her like you did for me."

"You've gotten a good start," Jane told her, now he was smiling softly, brushing the hair back from her face. He leaned down to give her a very gentle kiss, another moment of softness that she needed.

They didn't have much more time to draw comfort from each other. Rigsby opened the door to her office, forcing them to quickly break apart. Not soon enough because it was still obvious they had been in an embrace. "Am I interrupting?"

"No," Lisbon replied quickly, her cheeks now tinged pink. He'd already known they were together, that didn't mean she enjoyed being caught like that. "What is it?"

"They think they've found the cabin."

She sighed and nodded. "Okay, get Cho and Van Pelt, we'll head to the scene now." Rigsby nodded and moved back to the bullpen. Lisbon turned to look at Jane and gave him a small smile. "Back to work."

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The cabin was located in one of the more secluded areas of the park. Jane had been right, it wasn't that far from where he'd found Jenna, but she'd had to traverse through some thickets to get there so quickly. Lisbon was impressed by her survival instincts if she did so much like that. It was a lot more impressive then just stumbling to a parking lot.

Now the cabin was surrounded by police and park officials while Lisbon and her team trekked inside. "Forensics will be sweeping the place for evidence," Lisbon said in a stilted voice. "See if there is anything that can lead us to IDing this guy."

They didn't say anything, just quickly followed her orders, searching the small living area and the kitchen first. Of course Jane did his own thing and Lisbon decided to keep an eye on him as he wandered through the small cabin. She watched as he headed down the hallway to the bedroom and she followed him.

She found him standing in the bedroom and it was no small wonder why. The rumpled bed, the signs of struggle. "It happened here," Lisbon stated, her voice was soft…so soft.

Jane nodded, then he knelt down next to the bed. He was looking at something on the carpet but his eyes were so sad. She'd seen him in pain before but it always came from his family's death…this was surprising.

"You'll want to get pictures," Jane told her, his voice was very wooden.

She moved around him to see what had his attention. That was when she saw the ripped cotton panties on the floor. Her throat sealed up at the sight and she met Jane's eyes again. He looked angry and upset and she knew exactly why.

He was remembering too.

Lisbon wanted to help him but they were interrupted again by the rest of the team doing their sweep. "The place is clean."

"Not the bedroom," Lisbon explained. She watched as Jane quietly left the room but she couldn't follow him yet. "We need forensics in here, she was assaulted in here. We need pictures, sketches and the DNA needs to be collected."

She pointed down at the underwear by her feet. "Start with this."

They all met her eyes with varying degrees of concern, surprise and pain. But Lisbon didn't respond. She walked around them to find Jane. He was outside of the cabin, standing by the front door and looking out at the woods. She came up beside him and gently took his hand in hers. He looked over at her and smiled softly but it didn't reach his eyes.

"This is hard on you," Lisbon said gently.

Jane looked back at her; his smile was a little broader now. "I think I should be saying that to you."

But Lisbon didn't smile back. "You found me that night. I read Cho's report, you found my shoe, the alley, my…my panties." He didn't say anything but she knew he was remembering that terrible night as vividly as she was. "It must be hard."

"Not nearly as hard as living with what happened," Jane pointed out, yanking her a little closer to him so she was up against his side. "You need to stop worrying about me."

"Sure," Lisbon replied dryly, "Once _you_ stop worrying about _me_."

He grinned a little at that characterization and pulled her closer. This was what they needed. To feel close again.

When the forensics team came the rest of Lisbon's team filed out of the cabin. "We'll let them do their work, then we can take the evidence back to HQ." She sighed and looked at the place where another terrible crime had occurred. "Then we should go home, get some sleep and sort through it all tomorrow. We've found Jenna, we have the sketch of the suspect and the local PDs are stopping all trucks that match the description of the suspect's. There isn't anything else that can't wait till tomorrow when we have fresh eyes."

They all just kind of stared at her as if waiting for something else. "And stop looking at me like that. I'm not going to fall apart this time," She told them reassuringly, "I'm fine."

One by one they nodded, giving her a small smile and she did see them visibly relax.

She wasn't fine…but she wasn't falling apart either.

* * *

><p><em>The cabin.<em>

_ Lisbon recognized it right away. Another scene of the same crime she'd endured. Another hell for another woman with another monster out there. She stood there and watch as some faceless man shoved Jenna through the doorway. Jenna fell to her knees but before she could ready herself to fight, he was grabbing her again._

_ Jenna screamed like she did. She beat at him with her fists just like Lisbon had. But still he had the power. There was nothing she could do. She knew what was going to happen. She knew she was powerless. There was nothing she could do._

_ Lisbon saw the man ripping off Jenna's clothes, beating her with his hands, touching her with every part of himself. There was nothing she could do._

_ Then Lisbon felt the wind stirring the hair at the back of her neck. No not wind. Breath._

_ Two hands grabbed her from behind. His hands._

_ She didn't scream. She didn't cry. She didn't fight._

_ There was nothing she could do._

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Lisbon gasped awake when she actually felt a hand clamp onto her shoulder. She thought for sure it was _him_, until she heard Jane say, "Lisbon. Lisbon, it's okay."

She relaxed back into her pillows but held onto Jane like he was her own personal life preserver. He just held her for a long while. She didn't cry or say a word, just stewed in silence.

Finally she whispered, "I had a nightmare."

"I was afraid you would," he admitted.

"It was Jenna," she said softly, "I saw her being attacked and I couldn't do anything to stop it."

She felt Jane nod his head. "It's not your fault."

"I know. I can't stop rapists from being what they are. It's just…she was me. I was her. I can't change that, no matter what I try. We are the same."

She felt Jane take in a breath and then release it slowly, her hair blowing lightly across her face. "I think you're right. As much as I want to, what happened to you and Jenna is something I will never completely understand. But I'm here to do whatever you need me to do."

She knew that. He'd been doing that for her for months. He'd been the shoulder to cry on, the comforting whisper, the verbal plea to find her strength, everything she'd needed to get better. Now she was better. She didn't need him to do any of those things. All she needed was a reminder of how far she'd come and what she had now.

So Lisbon turned over and gave him a heated kiss, her hands wandering the length of his body. Jane still pulled away, shaking his head. "Lisbon, I don't know—."

"I need you to love me, Jane," she said, "That's all I need."

So that is what he did.

* * *

><p>It was a struggle for Lisbon to stay objective in this case. She was attached to Jenna. She was more dog-headed on this than any other case before. She snapped when her team was late coming back from lunch, skipped her own meals and once fell asleep in her chair with her head on a stapler. And no one complained. They just let her do this. They knew she had to.<p>

But the work paid off. Jane's clever tricks and observations led them to Jacob Conrad, a man of the area who worked with Chris at the construction site. Jane suspected Jacob had seen Jenna when she visited Chris at work and begun to stalk her like prey, so subtly that she hadn't noticed. And so Jacob had finally pounced. The target had always been Jenna, Chris was just collateral.

But they needed Jenna to confirm the I.D. of her attacker. Lisbon went to Jenna at home to tell her what they needed her to do.

"You don't have to be afraid," Lisbon told her gently, "I know I sound stupid saying that, but it's true. He won't be able to see you."

"Teresa, I watch T.V. I know how a line up goes," Jenna said, "and I know he wouldn't see me but he would _know_. He would know I was there. You can't tell me he won't."

Lisbon nodded, her eyes set on the floor. "You're right. He'll know…but that's not a bad thing."

She looked back into Jenna's eye. "I don't know my attacker, but he knows me. He knows what he did to me and so far he has the right to gloat about getting away with it. I don't want that to happen to you. I want you to face him, to know who he is and to let him know that you are brave. That what happened didn't break you. You are stronger than he is and this is your chance to prove it."

Jenna proved her abounding courage by agreeing to go. Lisbon kept one hand on her shoulder the entire walk to the line up. She could feel the girl shaking, but she never faltered in her steps.

Jane and Rigsby were waiting for them in the observation room. Jane smiled at Jenna and at her, and Jenna managed a weak smile back. "Okay, this is very simple," Lisbon said, "You just look at each of them in turn, and then when you're done tell us if you can identify your attacker."

"I get it."

"Good, now are you ready?"

Jenna nodded.

Rigsby ordered each man over one at a time. Four of them were foils and one of them was Jacob Conrad. All of them were of a similar height with sandy blonde hair. Three had green eyes, two blue. Two had stubbled chins.

Jenna held her composure well until number four stepped forward. Her eyes went wide, her mouth opening just a bit. Her face turned a ghastly white. She waited until they had all stepped forward and then she said, "It's number four."

"You're sure?" Rigsby asked.

Jenna nodded again. "It was you, you son of a bitch," she whispered to the man behind the glass.

Lisbon wrapped her arm around Jenna's shoulders to escort her from the room. Meanwhile Rigsby gave the officers the signal to arrest Jacob Conrad. For them, it was over. For Jenna, this was only the beginning.

* * *

><p>Lisbon gave Jenna a mug of hot coffee while Jacob Conrad was booked for murder, kidnapping and sexual assault. Jenna didn't say a word for a very long time. "What is going to happen now?" she finally asked softly.<p>

"He will be formally charged but with as much evidence as we have, the DA will likely opt to let him plead for life instead of the death penalty…so you won't have to stand trial."

Jenna looked hopeful at that. "Will he accept?"

She nodded. "Probably, he really has no way out of this. The evidence is just too strong."

The girl looked down at her half empty mug of coffee, staring at the rim. "I was only dating Chris for six weeks…he was so nice to me. I…I didn't think this would happen."

"It is not your fault."

"Chris is dead because he had to have me."

"Chris is dead because a horrible man did a horrible thing to you and to him," Lisbon corrected her, "And you did _everything_ you could to prevent it."

Jenna looked up at her. "I didn't fight him…not after he…"

Lisbon put a hand on her shoulder. "You did everything you could…but there is always someone out there who can hurt you, someone who can beat you in a fight. I thought I could defend myself against anyone and I was wrong. And when he had me on the ground…I stopped fighting too. It took me a long time before I finally realized that…I didn't have a choice." She gave her a reassuring look, "We did what we had to in order to survive. Because that is what we are. We are not victims…we're survivors."

Jenna stared up at her with a look of wonder. "I hope that I get as strong as you."

That made Lisbon pause. This girl didn't know half of the pain she'd endured over the months since her attack. She didn't know about the nights spent screaming, the days hating herself, the terrible evening with tequila and her gun.

And Jenna wanted to be as strong as her?

"You are already so far ahead of me then I was," Lisbon admitted, "so much stronger than me after what happened."

Jenna didn't look like she believed her much. "How do you get over something like this?"

Lisbon shook her head. "You don't. And you will never go back to the person you used to be. All you can do is pick up as many pieces as you can and realize that the scars…only you can see them. And one day…you'll know that you can live with this because it doesn't define who you are…but it will always be a part of you."

"Will I be able to trust someone again?"

"I did," Lisbon replied with a small smile, "you just have to find someone who can help heal you."

Jenna studied her for a moment. "Jane? He's the one who helped you."

Lisbon smiled again and nodded. "He saved me…in so many ways. Loving him became as natural as trusting him. You'll find that too."

"I hope so."

"I know so."

They were quiet for a minute and then Jenna looked over through the open blinds. "My mom is here."

They both stood up and Jenna put her cup down so she could leave. "Jenna, wait." The girl turned around to look at her from the doorway. Lisbon quickly grabbed the cards she'd had waiting on her desk. "I want you to have these."

Jenna looked down at the bits of paper. "One is the number for the therapist I was seeing after my attack, she helped me figure out a lot things. The other is mine, my office and my cell. If you need anything, even it is just someone to listen…don't hesitate to call."

She met Lisbon's eyes and gave her a real smile. "I won't."

Lisbon smiled back and watched Jenna leave to fold back into the embrace of her mother. She was glad that Jenna had someone close to fall back on during all of this. She was even gladder that she had someone who knew exactly what she was going through.

And she'd stood strong and told the man who raped her that he hadn't won.

Lisbon couldn't help but wonder what that must have felt like.

* * *

><p>Lisbon was so focused intently on the blank form in front of her that she almost didn't hear the slight knock on her door. She looked up and smiled when she saw it was Jane. "Hey," she said.<p>

"Hey yourself," he replied. He walked over to sit down on her white couch. "This was a tough case for you."

Lisbon nodded. "Yeah, I guess it was."

"You handled yourself well."

"Did I?" she questioned, "At the academy, they teach us to stay detached. We're not supposed to let our emotions or our experiences rule us. But I couldn't stay objective here."

"No," he said, "but you used that to your advantage. Not even I could have connected to Jenna the way you did. She would have remained close-lipped if it hadn't been for you."

Lisbon shrugged, but she knew he was right. Perhaps if someone who had been raped had been there for her at the beginning things would have been different. Probably not. Maybe that was her silver lining out of all of this. She had found a way to use what had happened to her to help people like Jenna.

"Do you think it will always be like this?" she asked Jane.

"Yes. I think every rape case we get will always get your fierce attention. And I think every case like that will always be solved by you because of that. You should be proud of yourself, Lisbon."

"I am," she admitted, "but I'm also ashamed."

Jane frowned at her. She stood up from her chair to claim the empty spot on the couch next to him. "Jenna didn't fall apart the way I did when all of this happened."

"Lisbon, you can't compare yourself to Jenna."

"I know I shouldn't, but in some ways I have to. She did something incredible today, something I never thought I could do. She looked at her rapist right in the eye and didn't flinch. She could go to trial and glare at him from the stand and tell him to go to hell, I know she can."

Jane nodded. "You helped her show her strength. You did that, Lisbon."

"Maybe…but I gave up. I let my attacker get away. I thought that was what I wanted. I needed to let it all go at the time so I could focus on me."

"That's not a bad thing."

"I know. It was what I needed," she said, "But I'm stronger now and I…I need to do what Jenna did."

"What?" Jane asked in astonishment.

"I want to find my attacker. I want to look him in the eye and tell him he didn't win, he doesn't own me. I want to know who he is and let him see for himself that he's the worthless one."

She stared intently into Jane's blue-green eyes as she said, "I want to do this."

Jane smiled at her. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. I want you to work on my case again."

Jane found her hand, entwining their fingers together. "Lisbon, about that…we never actually stopped."

* * *

><p>AN: Well what did you think? Jenna's case has pushed Lisbon to make a big decision of her own...and it is going to change EVERYTHING!

Next chapter: Lisbon takes an active role in her own case leading to a new suspect with motive, means, and opportunity...and the identity of Lisbon's rapist will FINALLY be revealed!


	21. Chiron

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N: Nerwen Aldarion: Well here it is. The big one. One year and 19 days ago today we posted the first chapter to a mystery. Today you will finally have your answers. We hope it'll have been worth the long journey. I can't wait to read your reactions!

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: And the mystery will finally come to a close, but the story's not done yet, we promise. I can't believe how close we are to the end. It seems like yesterday we just started this story. I hope you like this chapter. I hope it's everything you all want it to be.

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Marcia Santos:** LOL wow! That's quite a compliment, so sorry it took so long to finish it but I'm glad you enjoyed. Hey! You didn't have to wait so long to find out who the rapist is!

**Malin:** Yes it is sad to that this fic is almost over. Jenna's case was to prove that Lisbon is strong enough to finally take a real role in her case and that she does want to find this guy and let him see she is the true winner here. You'll have your answers this chapter.

**Anna:** Thanks! Hope this one is just as good

**Tina: **Hehehe hopefully this chapter is stunning too

**Anonymous:** Yes that is right, Lisbon's rape is a part of her but it is not who she is. You'll have to see if you are right in this chapter hehehe

**Anonymous:** Jane has his own scars from Lisbon's rape, she realizes that this wasn't just about her, she wasn't the only victim. You'll see what happened to her cross next chapter.

**Dodge1989:** It was a hard chapter to write too but it was necessary to show how much Lisbon has changed from the woman who freaked out when she saw the other rape victim to Jenna. Glad to see you enjoy it so much

**Chymom:** You'll see how Lisbon reacts, remember there is only so much she can do or the case won't be able to be tried in court...of course that all depends if Lisbon actually wants him to go to trial or if she wants to take care of this on her own LOL You'll see very soon.

**Misfit 1-3:** LOL well you'll know for sure this time

* * *

><p>Chapter 21: Chiron<p>

The team had been scheduled to meet at the bar already when Lisbon made her decision to reignite her investigation. So Jane just sent them a text telling them that both of them were coming. O'Malley's had a sparse crowd at the slightly early hour coupled with the fact that it was a weekday. It was the perfect time for them to discuss the case.

The rest of the team was already there with beers and plate of nachos to share. Jane took Lisbon's hand as they walked inside, giving it a gentle squeeze. There was no point in hiding their relationship after Cho's broad announcement, at least when they were off the clock.

"So this is where you all have been running off to," Lisbon announced when they arrived to the large, circular booth.

"Yeah," Rigsby said, "We didn't want to give up on the case, but you wanted to distance yourself from it so this seemed like the best option."

"Sneaking around behind my back?" The three of them shared guilty looks until she smiled. "Thanks."

She and Jane slid into the booth and were passed around some beers.

"Okay, so tell me what you have learned?" she asked, "Or do I need to learn the secret handshake?"

They filled her in on their list of accomplishments, but their major point of success was managing to narrow the suspect list to sixteen possibilities. Lisbon listened to their story and how they had managed to do all of that. "Wow, you guys really have been working."

"We couldn't let it go," Cho said.

"Even though I told you to?"

"This affected all of us. You would need the closer eventually and we all knew we needed that too."

Lisbon nodded. "I understand. I'm sorry, I never really thought about how all of you felt about it."

"It's okay, boss," Rigsby said, "This is our job, not yours."

"That's where you're wrong. We're a team. We are in this together, including me. Officially, Cho is in charge and I'm fine with that. But I want to catch this bastard too." She gave them her best Lisbon scolding look and then asked, "Now, where do we go from here?"

"That's the problem," Grace said, "We're stuck. We have sixteen suspects, but we can't narrow them down."

"Okay, then let's go back to the beginning. I was attacked between 11:23 and midnight. He wore a suit or tuxedo of some kind and he had a scar on his shoulder. He must have had training of some kind in order to take me out. Now, who was our first suspect? Hathaway, right?"

Rigsby shook his head. "No, it was actually Lee Myers."

Lisbon blinked at him. "Who the hell is that?"

Jane grinned at the memory of Myers's interview. "He was the event organizer. We saw him staring at you in the video, but he was still in the ballroom during the attack."

"Why was he staring at me?"

Jane's smile blossomed and his eyes twinkled. "Apparently you have the hottest ass outside of a filthy magazine."

Lisbon's mouth fell open while the others struggled and failed to contain their laughter. "I guess I'll take that as a compliment," she said.

"Hathaway was our next suspect," Rigsby said, "We found out about his complaint against you and he was pretty cheerful over the whole thing, but he was eliminated because he alibied out."

"And he didn't have any combat training," Jane said.

Lisbon nodded and grabbed another file. "Ryckart. He was your last suspect?"

Cho nodded. "Grace remembered a confrontation you'd had with him earlier in the day and then we found out he wasn't the lead officer at the scene."

Lisbon nodded again. "I remember, it turned out he was across town trying to kill his wife's lover at the time."

"So that's how we wound up here," Jane said.

"Okay, then our next job is to go back to CBI and go over every piece of evidence," Lisbon said, "Rewatch the tape, check out every statement, every profile. This wasn't planned so he must have made some mistake. We just have to find it."

* * *

><p>"We have to keep quiet about this," Lisbon told the team as they began their work into her case. She knew Bertram had issued an ultimatum on it but he couldn't really shut the door completely. Besides, if Jane was right and the man worked at the CBI, then it would be best if they kept it limited to just the few people who needed to know.<p>

The hard part was knowing that there was actually very little she could do. She couldn't take the lead on this case because she was the victim…but she could maybe help try and lend a hand. That didn't mean she wasn't still feeling scared, it was so difficult flipping open those files and seeing the pictures. That bruised and broken woman was her.

No…not it wasn't. That used to be her, but she wasn't that way anymore.

Jane was being protective though…it made her smile…and helped her feel like she really could survive this now. "You okay?" He asked again when he poked his head into her office.

"I'm fine," she told him honestly, "this isn't easy, but I'm strong enough to get through it." She believed that…it didn't mean she didn't have some doubts though.

He smiled back at her. "Yes you are."

Lisbon pushed back from her desk with a sigh. "I'm tired, I can't look at these pictures anymore. How about a late lunch?"

"What happened to staying apart at work?"

"Please, after the hundreds of meals we've shared, no one would notice."

He grinned. "All right, but I can't promise to keep my hands to myself."

She raised an eyebrow. "As long as they are underneath the table."

Jane's eyes sparkled mischievously then and Lisbon knew he was thinking about all of the sinful things he could do with his hands underneath the cover of a tabletop. So was she for that matter. Good God what had happened to her? When did she start shamelessly flirting with a man and daring him to do wicked things?

Probably when she fell head over heels in love with her consultant.

Lisbon gave Jane a warning look; she didn't want him to start pawing her before they were in private at least. He was good though as they made their way out of her office towards the elevator.

"It seems my timing is always impeccable."

She stiffened as soon as she heard that voice. No need to turn around, she knew right away that the arrogant Jasper Wainwright was leering at her again. As she circled to greet him she caught Jane's look of disgust and had to hide a smile. Well Jane's jealousy was always a little fun.

"Mr. Wainwright," Lisbon said stiffly.

"How many times do I have to tell you to call me Jasper?"

She wanted to roll her eyes, but she kept her composure. "I assume you are here to see your brother."

"He likes to check up on me."

"I imagine so," Jane remarked and Lisbon fought the urge to smack him.

Lisbon did what she could to remain professional. "Well, I should leave you to it." She wanted to leave but Jasper stepped forward before she could move.

"Actually, Teresa. There is something I would like to ask you."

_Oh crap._

"I was hoping you and I could finally have that drink."

_Good God would this man _ever_ catch the hint?_

Lisbon forced herself to smile apologetically. "I don't think that is a good idea."

He frowned. "I understand that things must be difficult, after what that man did to you." She couldn't help but flinch at that statement. It was one thing to hear it from her friends; it was something else entirely from a near stranger. "But I want you to know that not all men are like that."

"That's a sweet gesture, Jasper. But she's seeing someone."

Lisbon couldn't help but gape up at Jane. Had he really just said that?

Jasper looked startled by that information. "Is that the truth?"

For a second Lisbon didn't know what to do. But just for a second, this jackass didn't have any right to feel bad; she'd never given him any reason to believe she liked him. He just couldn't believe that some woman wouldn't want him.

"Actually it is, and I'm not sure how my boyfriend would feel about me having drinks with another man." She was careful not to look at Jane once.

"Well," Jasper looked forlorn…and a little angry. "Maybe if things don't work out…"

Lisbon had to grab Jane's arm tightly to keep him from speaking, instead he let out a strangled sound of pain. "Uh huh, I'll see you later," she said quickly before steering Jane down the hall.

"That kind of hurt," Jane remarked as soon as they were a safe distance away.

"I had to keep you from being you and giving him one too many hints about _us_," she told him sharply, "the boyfriend comment was cutting it damn close."

"You think I care what he thinks about us?"

"Well he is our boss's brother, so maybe you should."

Jane didn't look like he accepted that argument. "He's a prick is what he is. He doesn't care about how _you_ feel, just what he wants."

She pinched the bridge of her nose. "I know, he's persistent and annoying and downright frustrating. More than anything I wish to God I hadn't met him that night…" Her voice trailed off as she remembered that was the night she was attacked.

Jasper Wainwright had been like a hound on a scent, following her, groping her, treating her like nothing but property. Then there was that moment where he refused to let her go until Jane had intervened…

"Jane," Lisbon began carefully, "Jasper was at the fundraiser…remember the dance?"

He nodded. "Of course, he had his hands all over you."

"Exactly."

Jane studied her face for a minute. "I know what you are thinking, but he doesn't have the means to attack you. I've thought of this before."

"There is something you don't know," Lisbon explained, looking deep into his eyes. "He told me he has private kick boxing lessons…with a former Navy SEAL."

The only reaction she saw was slight widening of his eyes. Other than that he remained perfectly still, processing this bit of information like he did everything else. Then he did a complete 180, grabbing her hand and pulling her back to the bullpen.

"What are we doing?"

He didn't answer but continued on his pace until they made it to the room where the rest of the team was settling down from their lunches. "Rigsby," Jane said immediately, "pull up the security footage from the fundraiser."

Rigsby stared at him for a minute. "You have something."

"Maybe, just bring it up."

The other agent quickly began to flick through his computer. Lisbon met Jane's eyes, giving him a wide-eyed stare. "You think he did it."

"I don't know yet," he told her simply.

"Got it," Rigsby declared and then they all crowded around his desk. "Who are we looking for?"

"Jasper Wainwright," Jane explained, "You can skip till about 11:15, he'll be dancing with Lisbon."

Rigsby moved the footage to the timestamp Jane suggested. Sure enough, Lisbon watched as Jasper Wainwright came on to her and then dragged her out to the dance floor. It was worse watching it.

"Uhhh," Rigsby said embarrassed, "Is he grabbing your…"

"Yes," Lisbon interrupted, unable to hide her blush.

Cho and Rigsby looked uncomfortable, Jane didn't even seem to notice though. He was still watching as he played the hero and helped her get away from Jasper. "He's going to the restroom to clean up," Jane murmured, never taking his eyes off the screen. A couple of minutes later Jasper reappeared, his eyes focused on the dance floor. "He's watching us dance."

"He doesn't look happy," Grace commented.

"No," Lisbon said softly.

It was hard to keep watching Jasper when her eyes kept flitting over to the miniature versions of Jane and herself dancing. She saw as she moved away from Jane and headed for the side exit. A part of her wanted to shout, _"No, don't do it! You're going to be raped!"_ But that was like shouting at the stupid girl in the horror film who always let the monster in: pointless.

"There," Jane declared, pulling her from her thoughts, "He disappears into the back."

"Could be going back to the restroom to puke and pass out," Cho pointed out.

"Or something else," Jane replied. They watched the minutes ticked by, watched as people danced and laughed…Lisbon knew in those minutes she was being viciously attacked. How cruel was that? To be brutally raped while everyone else was getting drunk on champagne?

The minutes continued to tick along and Lisbon saw when suddenly there was rush to the front of the building. Everyone wanted to know what was up with the sirens. The ambulance that marked something had gone terribly wrong.

But Jasper hadn't shown up yet.

Jane met Lisbon's eyes and shook his head. "We have a new suspect."

* * *

><p>"We need to start from the beginning," Cho said, all business now that the case was hot with a new lead, "How did you meet Jasper Wainwright?"<p>

They weren't in an interrogation room. In fact, Lisbon was just sitting in a chair in the bullpen with the four members of her team staring at her like she was goldfish in a glass bowl. "Well, it was outside his brother's office," she said, "We almost collided and he immediately started flirting with me. I wasn't comfortable about it."

"Why not?"

"Because I just met him and he was so into himself," she explained, "He made it clear he had a lot of money and that was he's made a large donation to the CBI. He was obviously trying to impress me."

"Did you know he would be at the ball?" Cho asked.

"Yes, he asked if I would be there too. I told him it was mandatory. He liked that idea." Lisbon looked up at Jane to give him a scolding look. "And Jane thought the whole thing was funny."

"You were there?" Cho asked him.

"I caught the tail end of it all," Jane said, "It was obvious he was Wainwright's brother, they have the same ears and nose, though Jasper has a stronger build. He's very arrogant and used to getting what he wants. He doesn't take no for an answer."

"Do you think he's violent?" Rigsby asked.

"I don't think he uses violence on a daily basis," Jane said, "but he was very drunk that night and with the business route filled with many perils and challenges, I suspect Jasper Wainwright has a very short temper and alcohol makes that even worse."

"How much interaction have you had with him since the ball?" Cho asked Lisbon.

"Not much," she said with a shrug, "He sent me flowers after it happened, which I thought was weird since we barely knew one another. I ran into him on my first day back and he kept going on about how sorry he was for what happened to me and then he touched my shoulder and I freaked out."

Jane nodded. They could all remember the time when she wouldn't let anyone but Jane touch her in any way. Cho crossed his arms. "Do you know why he was there that day?"

"I assume he was there to see his brother."

"Maybe he was there to see Lisbon," Grace spoke up, "Maybe he was basking in his triumph."

"Possibly," Jane murmured, "but we don't know for certain." He met Lisbon's eye again. "I recall finding him at that lovely restaurant in Napa on the Henderson case. He was anxious to have you in his company again. He even brought up the ball."

Lisbon nodded. Jasper had been very insistent and unable to take a hint. Oh God, could it really be him? The evidence was scanty at best though. There was no reason to work herself into a panic about her boss's brother.

"Hey." All of them looked up to see the District Attorney Sanford walking into the room with a file in his hands. "I had to jump through hoops to get this, you owe me, Kimball."

"Thanks," Cho said as he took the file from him.

"Happy to help," he answered.

Cho opened the file, scanning it with his dark eyes for several moments. "This is accurate?"

"Every word," Sanford said.

"What's going on?" Grace asked.

"Three years ago, Jasper Wainwright was charged with assaulting a woman when he was intoxicated," Cho said, "The woman dropped the charges before they could build any case."

Okay. Now there was a small reason to panic.

* * *

><p>Jane and Cho decided to go pay a visit Deirdre Marks, the woman that claimed Jasper Wainwright assaulted her. Rigsby was on another mission, to find a way to learn Jasper Wainwright's blood type, unfortunately it would mean going through less than legal means. They all agreed to keep the truth about that one from Lisbon. Grace was staying at HQ in order to keep digging into Jasper's background and keep an eye on Lisbon while Jane was gone.<p>

Lisbon was keeping herself together, even though it was obvious this was hard on her, still she wasn't showing any signs of falling apart. That didn't mean they weren't worried about her though.

Deirdre was living in a fairly nice home outside of Sacramento, a bit more than two-bit model could afford. She performed boat shoes and local lottery numbers, not catwalks and magazine covers. Apparently she thought more of herself then was reality, if the many portraits in her home were an indication. On first blush, she and Jasper were a match made in heaven.

"Why do you need to talk to me about Jasper?" she cooed, eyeing both of them like a tiger would fresh meat. "I haven't spoken to him in years?"

"Right after you dropped the charges of assault," Cho cut right to the chase.

Deirdre looked troubled by that. She frowned and shook her head. "That was a misunderstanding."

"Two black eyes, a broken wrist and a concussion, sounds like a bit more than a _misunderstanding_."

She flinched now, looking away from the both. "We were fighting, he shoved me and I fell down the stairs."

Jane let out a low whistle. "That's a terrible lie, you'll have to do better than that."

Deirdre glared at him. "I'm not lying."

"You can't even look me in the eye," Jane pointed out, "and you keep fussing with your hair each time. You're not a very good liar at all." Jane smiled at her knowingly, "the question is, why? You didn't do anything wrong, since you were the victim in this which means…you did something wrong _after_ the fact. Let me guess…Jasper paid you a hefty sum to make sure all of it went away."

She shrugged. "Maybe I just had a change of heart."

"Maybe if we check your transactions three years ago we'll find a sudden windfall in cash," Cho stated, playing off of Jane's reading.

Deirdre looked really uncomfortable now. "It's too late, it's all gone."

"We aren't interested in your low moral standards," Jane replied truthfully, "we want to know more about your ex-boyfriend."

"What do you think Jasper did?"

"That's our business," Cho replied.

"It would be helpful if you told us the truth about what happened between you and Jasper," Jane offered.

She looked away, thinking about her options. Jane knew she wasn't concerned about Jasper in the least; she was more worried that coming clean about lying would ruin her financial gain. But she ultimately decided to save her somewhat pretty face.

"Jasper is a man who wants what he wants and won't be stopped," Deirdre explained, "I admired that about him, "but once he had me he didn't want to let go. Things were…_tense_ between us after a few months. We went to one of his favorite clubs and he proceeded to drink the place out of their most expensive scotch while I met up with an old acquaintance. Jasper didn't like that.

"He dragged me out of the club and we fought. I hit him with my purse and he hit me with his fist…a few times. He left and I called a cab to take me to the hospital and they called the police."

"And you dropped the charges two weeks later when Jasper paid you off," Jane finished.

She smiled gamely. "Let's just say he convinced me to let it go."

Jane decided to ignore the fact that this woman had the morals of an alley cat. "You said Jasper was drunk when he attacked you."

Deirdre nodded. "Yes, he…he's a different man when he drinks."

He smiled. "Thank you, Deirdre. You've been very helpful."

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Lisbon wasn't pleased when she heard about Deirdre's testimony. "He did all of that to her when he was drunk."

"Apparently he gets violent when he drinks," Cho remarked.

Lisbon colored and looked away. "I know about that all too well," she muttered. She wasn't just talking about Jasper Wainwright but her father. Lisbon shook it off, trying to be all business. "How much did she get for keeping her mouth shut?"

Cho shrugged. "Don't know, probably a lot."

"Hmm, I guess if I'd seen him maybe I'd be a lot richer," She forced a smile and then regretted it. "God that wasn't funny at all." She covered her hands with her face and sank down in Rigsby's empty chair. "I'm sorry this…I just hate that I can only watch…and I _really_ hate that this woman's greed might have let all of this happen."

"You don't know that," Grace pointed out softly.

"Actually we might," Rigsby said as he entered the bullpen. "I got Jasper's medical records."

"How did you…?" Lisbon began and thought better of it. "Never mind, I _don't _want to know." But she did give Jane a glare and smacked his shoulder: hard. She knew who was to blame for this.

Jane winced but kept his eyes on Rigsby. "What did you find?"

"He's type A," Rigsby stated, "just like the rapist. I'm liking him more and more for this."

"Then you'll love this," Grace said from her desk. "Jasper has been pulled over three times in the last two years for DUI."

"What?" Lisbon asked, actually standing up to head over to Grace's desk to see for herself. "How the hell does he even have his license?"

She looked up at her boss. "One of the officers emailed me. They said that Jasper dropped his brother's name and…well…they didn't want to be the guy that arrested the brother of the man in charge of the CBI."

"Shit…" Rigsby breathed. "He really did this didn't he?"

Lisbon didn't say a word but she felt like she was sinking into the ground. It was horrible to have been raped…but now she had been raped by her boss's brother.

Somehow that just made it worse.

* * *

><p>The team was going over every detail of Jasper Wainwright's past, no stone, log or pebble was left unturned. Now they knew he went to four different prep schools, graduated from Yale in business, was of the Phi Kappa Gamma fraternity, and had been married and divorced twice, each union lasting less than six months.<p>

Lisbon wasn't actually a part of the search. Instead she sat and watched them through the window of her office and caught up on paperwork. Jane sat on her couch, knowing silence and just his presence was all she needed.

"Uh oh," Jane said. She looked up to see that Luther Wainwright was marching into the bullpen with a stone cold look on his face.

"He knows we're looking into Jasper," Lisbon said.

"Definitely, because I haven't done anything lately."

Lisbon walked out of her office with Jane on her heels. Luther stood in the center of the room, glaring at the three members of her team. "What the hell are you doing looking into my brother? Last I checked, he hadn't done anything illegal."

"You could be wrong about that," Rigsby said.

"Excuse me?" he said, "What are you talking about?"

Cho stood up from his desk. "We're working on Lisbon's case again."

"And what does my brother…" Luther stopped as it all dawned on him, "You think _he_ did it! How could you think that?"

"Because he's an ass," Jane said. Lisbon elbowed him in the stomach for that.

"I'm not afraid to fire you, Jane."

"For telling the truth?"

Jane wasn't in the mood to be helpful with diffusing this bomb, so once again it was on Lisbon to keep the peace. "Look, Wainwright," Lisbon said, stepping between them, "I'm sorry, but there is some evidence that suggests Jasper might have had something to do with this."

"Jasper wouldn't hurt anyone," Luther said.

"Tell that to Deirdre Marks," Rigsby said.

"Who?"

"Her." He held up the picture of Dierdre, her face battered and bruised. "She admitted that Jasper beat her when he was drunk and then paid her off to drop the charges."

Luther took the picture. He frowned down into it with that studious crinkle between his eyes. "He told me she was lying, that she only wanted attention."

Cho shook his head. "She gave us her testimony on that. And considering his DUI's, it seems your brother has a serious drinking problem."

"What DUI's?"

"He's had three DUI's in the past two years," Grace said from her desk, "but because of his relation to you, the officers decided to let them slide."

"He's been giving out my name?" Luther asked.

Grace nodded. "And then burying the records so they don't make it to the public."

It was clear the rose covered lenses were falling from his eyes, at least when it came to his brother. He stared at the picture of Deirdre and then the file Grace had given him. Still, he shook his head. "None of this proves he did anything to Lisbon."

Jane met Cho's eyes and then nodded. "You should see this," Cho said.

He swiveled his computer monitor around so Luther could see the footage of the ball. He narrowed in on Lisbon and Jasper's dance. It started off harmless enough, but Luther's face went as white as fresh milk when Jasper's hands began to wander and then when Lisbon began to struggle. "He—he was drunk," Luther said.

"He gets that way a lot," Jane reminded him, "And apparently he has a violent streak when he does."

Cho stopped the tape. "Lisbon was raped between 11:23 and midnight. Your brother is unaccounted for during that time. We can't find him on any of the videos. We're about to bring him in for questioning."

Luther didn't say anything. He stared at the footage for a long time before he whirled around to face Lisbon. "Did my brother attack you?"

"I—I don't know," she admitted.

"Do you think he did it?"

"I don't know," she said again, "But…it's possible."

"He's my brother," Luther said.

"That doesn't change the evidence," Jane reminded him.

Luther raked one hand through his dark hair as he paced the length of space between Rigsby's desk and where Lisbon stood. After three laps, he stopped. "Okay," he said, "You can bring him in, but only to question him. You don't know if he did anything yet."

They didn't really need his permission for any of this, but still Cho nodded. "Yes sir," he said.

If they were right, Lisbon knew they would be adding Luther to the list of victims her rape had caused. If it was true, would she even be able to look at Luther again? Would he? She wasn't sure what she wanted this all to lead, to Jasper being guilty or innocent. But it wasn't her choice. It never was.

* * *

><p>Cooperative was not the word that could be used to describe Jasper Wainwright as he was brought in to interrogation. He threatened to ruin a couple of lives but Cho and Rigsby certainly didn't care. Then he just sat there and refused to answer any questions. Lisbon watched from the interrogation room with Jane and Luther on either side of her. She shook her head. "This isn't going to work."<p>

Jane nodded. "Let me talk to him."

"No," Luther said quickly, shaking his head. "No, he's my brother. I'll do it…_alone_."

She raised her eyebrows but she wasn't in any sort of place to argue with him now. Instead she watched him head into the room to force Cho and Rigsby out. Lisbon met Jane's eyes and saw he was looking satisfied. "You wanted him to do this."

"The best person to get him to talk is his brother," Jane explained simply, turning to look back into the room.

Jasper looked stunned when his brother walked in, and then relieved. "Luther! Great, look you have to explain to them what is going on."

"Sit down, Jasper," Luther replied firmly.

"What?" He asked, staring at his younger brother. Then he looked at him in horror. "No, you can't honestly believe this."

"Jasper!" Luther said in warning, "Just listen to me for _once_."

His older brother looked shocked and finally did sit down, closing his mouth. Luther calmed a little now that Jasper was at least cooperating. "What happened at the fundraiser?"

"Come on, Luther."

"Answer the question."

"Nothing! I went, I drank some champagne, danced and went home. That's all."

"Really? That's it?"

"I swear."

Luther didn't look like he believed him in the least. "So you didn't sexually harass one of my agents?"

Jasper blanched and looked more than a little stunned. "What?"

"There is video of you _groping_ Agent Lisbon in the middle of the fundraiser! Just _minutes_ before she was raped!"

"I didn't do it. I didn't hurt her. I was drunk, not crazy."

"Then what happened with Deirdre?"

Jasper looked really uncomfortable now. "Deirdre? That…that's nothing. She was just lying, that's all."

Luther stared at him for a moment, eyes boring into Jasper's. "Lying? Really? Because the pictures of her sure didn't look 'made up'."

His older brother flinched and looked down at the tabletop like a little lost puppy. "It was an accident. I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing."

"So you paid her off and lied to me?"

"I couldn't go to jail."

Luther did what he could to control his anger, getting back to the true subject at hand. "You were drunk that night, you were drunk and harassing her. Why should they believe you didn't rape her too?"

"Because I didn't."

"Then prove it! Where were you when it happened?"

Jasper looked lost again. "I…I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I don't remember," Jasper explained, "I was drunk, Luther. I remember dancing with her and then it's all hazy. I woke up at home with a bad hangover."

Luther leaned against the glass and ran his hands over his face. "What about your clothes?"

"What?"

"Your clothes. Where are they?"

Jasper shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I took them back or lost them or something."

Luther looked at him seriously. "You don't have your clothes, you don't have an alibi and you harassed her. Jasper, if you weren't my brother I'd be arresting you myself!"

"But I didn't do it!"

They were quiet for a very long time as they simply stared at different parts of the room. Luther had his fingers pressed to his lips, then he sighed and moved them away. "You are going to give them a sample of your DNA."

"What?" Jasper exclaimed, "No!"

"Jasper…"

"No, I'm not going to be a suspect."

"You already are! You are going to give up your DNA because they have more than enough for a warrant so it's going to happen anyways. But you are not going to make them wait for one, you are going to do it now so that we can get this over with and have our answers as soon as possible." Luther explained in a commanding tone, "Because after everything that woman has gone through you are not going to make her wait one second longer than necessary."

"Luther…"

But he didn't say anything. Just gave his brother a firm cold look.

Finally Jasper turned his eyes down and slumped his body in defeat. "Okay…Okay I'll do it."

The DNA test against Jasper Wainwright and the sample from Lisbon's attacker was put on the highest priority. But it still would take several hours, even with Luther Wainwright's command to put it first.

* * *

><p>The hours passed slowly as everyone tried to find something to pass the time but eventually they all found their ways back to the bullpen to sit, stand or pace as they waited for the phone call. Even Wainwright stood by the entrance to the room, waiting as calmly as he could to find out if his brother was a rapist or not.<p>

Grace remained at her desk, idly tapping a pencil on a stack of papers, sometimes looking from Wainwright to Lisbon, wondering what the answers would be. Rigsby alternated between sitting down and pacing the room, the long wait was killing him. Cho was the most calm, simply sitting down and staring, occasionally clanking at the phone.

Lisbon sat with Jane on his couch. He was holding her hand even though their boss was only a few feet away. Perhaps Wainwright was too distracted to notice, or maybe he assumed it was only a gesture of friendship. Lisbon didn't care though, she needed every bit of comfort Jane could give her.

Silence. Silence stretched for so long.

And then the phone rang.

Six pairs of eyes turned to look at Cho's phone before the man finally answered it. "This is Cho. Yes…all right…are you sure? Okay…thank you." He hung up his phone and set it down with a heavy sigh. Then he looked up to meet Lisbon's questioning eyes.

And shook his head.

"It's not him."

Grace gasped while Rigsby's mouth actually opened in shock. But Lisbon just stared straight ahead, trying to absorb the disappointing news. "No…not it can't be," Rigsby said, "It has to be him."

"It's not," Cho stated firmly, "the DNA wasn't a match, not even close."

"Shit…"

The only person in the room that was actually glad to hear the news still didn't look happy either. But Wainwright did let out a sigh of relief. "I can't say I'm not relieved but…" He looked into Lisbon's eyes, "For your sake, I am sorry, I wish this was over for you."

Lisbon nodded. "Thank you and I'm glad…for you…and me," she admitted, "I'm glad it wasn't your brother." But tears spilled down her eyes and she quickly wiped them away. "But he does need help so I…I know you will be there for him."

Wainwright nodded. "Of course." He looked at the rest of the team awkwardly, knowing that their disappointment contrasted with some of his own feelings. "I'll leave your team alone." He told her quietly before quickly quitting the room.

Now they were alone. And they all could revel in their sadness.

"I can't believe it," Grace murmured.

"I thought for sure it was him," Rigsby declared again.

Jane had been silent throughout all of it, still looked away from them all. "In hindsight…it's obvious." Now the all turned their attention to Jane. "He was drunk, it was unmistakable. I smelled it on him when I saw him. But Lisbon recalled cologne…not alcohol. And I have no doubt Lisbon could take a drunken man's advances. No…the man who did this was stone cold sober."

Lisbon cleared her throat and nodded. "You're right." She sighed heavily and stood up from the couch. "Well…that's it." She met their eyes, "I'm not saying we give up. We don't, we still have a list of suspects and more evidence to look into. We'll find him." Her words were strong, but her voice wasn't.

She gave them a watery smile but couldn't speak anymore; instead she headed to her office where she could find a few private moments. Her office was dark and quiet…until she started crying.

Then she felt Jane's arms circling around her and she turned to cry into his chest. "I actually thought it was finally over," she told him in between her sobs, "I really did."

"I know," Jane replied softly, "So did I."

"But I am glad," she said, choking a little. "I…I am. I didn't want to be the woman raped by her boss's brother…that would be so humiliating." She began to cry hard again, "but I did just want it to be over."

"Shhhhh," Jane told her soothingly, gently running a hand over her hair and back. "It's okay, you know that."

Lisbon sniffled and drew in a ragged breath before nodding numbly. "I know…and I'll be fine." She stepped back a little so she could look up into this face. "I know, it'll really be over soon."

Jane nodded and brushed away the wet trails on her cheeks before leaning down to gently kiss her lips before hugging her again "You are still stronger then him, you always have been," he whispered into her hair.

"Thank you," she told him in a low whisper. "Thank you for loving me."

Jane smiled against her hair. "Always…and forever."

He just held her for a long time, letting her feel safe again.

* * *

><p>Jane liked to judge men by their secretaries: if they were pretty and young that meant the man in the office was either a player or young and caught up in the dream of having a hot receptionist. If they were older, dowdy and lacking a personality, that meant she was an afterthought who's main job was fielding calls. Somewhere in the middle was the ideal solution, so Sanford surprised Jane by having just that.<p>

She spoke warmly to Jane and was prompt in telling her boss who was calling. Jane was quickly led into Sanford's office. The man he wanted to see was dressed in a professional suit, but his hairline and nape of his neck were beaded with sweat. "Sorry," Sanford said as he offered Jane a sweaty palm to shake, "The courthouse is under maintenance so the air conditioner was out. I now know what it's like to be in a sweatbox."

Jane chuckled. "That's quite all right. I won't keep you long."

Sanford nodded. "Okay." He went to a little closet to remove a fresh shirt and tie. "Do you mind?"

Jane shook his head. "I just realized today how helpful you've been with Lisbon's case and I've never actually thanked you for that."

"Really, it's no trouble." Sanford unbuttoned his jacket and tossed it onto his chair and then took to removing his cufflinks.

"Yes, but we all greatly appreciate it."

"We're all on the same team, it's the least I can do. What happened to Agent Lisbon was a terrible crime. I'm just doing my part."

He smiled as he went to unbuttoning his shirt. "Did you arrest Jasper Wainwright?"

Jane shook his head. "Unfortunately no."

"Are you lacking in evidence?"

"No, the DNA ruled him out."

"That's a shame." Sanford finished the last button. "I was hoping this was all over for you guys."

Jane shrugged, "Yes, well, it's not over yet. We're still looking."

Jane meant to say more, but something caught his eye as Sanford was reaching for his fresh, pale blue shirt. At first he thought it was the light, but no…it was unmistakable. And that was when the blood drained from his face.

There on Sanford's left arm, just below his shoulder, was a burn scar.

* * *

><p>AN: And there it is!

To the five people (including my friend Eva and our mom) who figured out that Sanford was the rapist, pat yourselves on the back!

For the others who all assumed it was Jasper or Ryckart (and even one Hathaway)...it was NEVER them. It was ALWAYS Sanford hehehe, we challenge you to take a look at the scenes with Sanford because there were little clues along the way.

Well what do you think?

In the next chapter: Jane tells the team he knows who the rapist is and they start building a case against Sanford. But will they have enough to take him to court...or do they want to take care of Sanford themselves?


	22. My Scars Can Witness

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: Well this is it, the final full length chapter of Lavinia. We are so proud of how many people were kept guessing until the end, I'm still in shock that we are even at the end. So without further ado...the final chapter of Lavinia

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel:

**Anonymous Reviews:**

**Anna:** Awww thanks so much, so glad you enjoyed it!

**Malin:** Hehehe res assured you were not the only one to guess wrong. LOL yes, in hindsight it should be obvious but so glad it isn't LOL. Jane isn't a physical person, you'll see how he reacts.

**Galxychld**: Awwww so glad you liked it, Jane will always be there for Lisbon. You'll love him here.

**German Girl:** Study! LOL You'll see how the team decides to take down Sanford, hopefully it will have been worth the weight

**Tina:** I think you'll enjoy this chapter, more Jisbon sweetness and a resolution to it all.

**Misfit1-3:** The irony is, Sanford was in more scenes then any of the other suspects, we just kept him in the background to not draw attention to him hehehe

**Nat:** The first chapter, chapter 7, 9, 13, 18, and 21 of course

**Chris:** Awww thanks so much! Glad you finally caught up, hehehe glad to see we fooled you

**Ana: **muchas gracias para todo via!

* * *

><p>Chapter 22: My Scars Can Witness<p>

Jane blinked. Then he blinked again.

It didn't go away. It wasn't a figment of his mind, the desperation of his hopes of finally finding Lisbon's rapist mingled with the disappointment that they had failed for the third time to put a face to the man. The burn was there.

Left arm, small about the size of a business card. It had to be the same scar.

Jane's eyes darted around the office, seeking out all of the signs he'd failed to see before. He'd said long ago that the rapist would need a background in combat as well as experience in the military. One look to Sanford's walls showed him a picture of when he was younger, dressed in an Army uniform, probably a Ranger. He was surrounded by a group of his comrades, but he had the biggest gun in the bunch, set right in the middle where no one could miss him. The Alpha of the squad.

The walls also showed empty spots where pictures would have hung once. Sanford's left hand had a small white strip on the ring finger. Divorce. Yes, and fairly recent too.

Gambling. Jane remembered that day when Lisbon had interrogated Sanford, the same day of the ball. Sanford was a gambling addict, he'd gone through financial troubles and his wife had left him. And Lisbon had thrown all of that into his face.

"Jane?"

The sound of his name returned him to where he was. He was standing in front of Lisbon's rapist. Heat surged through him, a red painful, throbbing pulse that set his blood on fire. Jane wanted to kill him. He even looked around for the best weapon available. Antique brass paperweight. That would cause some damage.

But this wasn't his call.

"You okay?" Sanford asked.

"Yes," Jane said smoothly, "I'm just thinking about the case."

Sanford nodded, completely at ease. He thought he'd won. He thought he would be able to steer them in the wrong direction. That disgusting son of a bitch.

"I understand," he said, "this has been difficult for all of you."

"You have no idea." That came out colder than he intended.

Sanford didn't notice, or if he did he waved it off. "I'm sure things will work out. And if not…well, Lisbon seems to be doing fine now. I'm sure she'll get over this."

"She is strong," Jane said with a nod, "She's the strongest person I know. None of this changed that."

Ah, there it was. The bit of smugness that flashed through his eyes and the way his lips curved up. Yes, he thought he'd broken her. He thought he'd won.

"Good for her," Sanford said. He bent down to retrieve his briefcase set beside his antique secretary desk—obviously he liked to spend money to show his status, Jane noted. "Now I'm sorry we can't talk more, but I have an appointment."

"Yes, sorry to keep you."

"No, no, I'm glad you came," Sanford said, "And let me offer my help in any way I can. I'm sure you'll find another suspect soon."

Jane smiled and him and nodded. "Don't worry, I'm sure we'll be back to see you very soon."

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Jane got a speeding ticket making his way back to the CBI, but he didn't care. This was more important than anything at the moment. He was glad to find the bullpen absent of Lisbon, but the others were all there. They were going over the case, trying to find another lead. He would relieve them of that burden.

"Where's Lisbon?" he asked.

"She went for coffee," Rigsby said.

"To the break room?"

"No," Grace said, "She was going to the coffee shop a block over. I think she just needed to get away for a bit."

Understandable and exactly what Jane wanted. "I think this whole thing with Jasper hit her hard," Grace added, "And we don't know where to look next."

"I know who did it."

All three of them snapped to attention faster than highly trained soldiers. "What?" Cho asked.

"Who?" Rigsby voiced.

"It's Sanford."

"The ADA?" Grace asked.

Jane nodded. "It's him. I know it is."

"You don't have proof," Cho said, "You said the guy needed combat training."

"Sanford was an Army Ranger," Jane said, "I saw a picture in the office. And he was at the ball, I remember seeing him there."

Rigsby blinked back at him. "Yeah, I remember him mentioning his time in the military. He talked about keeping himself fit, said it helped him tackle the tough cases."

Jane nodded. "There's more. He just went through a divorce after going through a gambling addiction. Lisbon brought that all up in his interrogation for the Hawkin's case, the same day as the ball."

Grace let out a gasp, her pretty face turning white. But Cho was the skeptical one and shook his head. "That's not enough."

"He has a scar on his left arm, right where Lisbon said when I hypnotized her."

That did it. Cho sank back into his chair. Rigsby just whispered, "Oh my God."

"We need to look at the video," Jane said, "It will confirm everything I know it.

The four of them all crowded at Rigsby's desk as he pulled up the video file on his computer. He fast forward to 11:23 and then stopped. Jane scanned every face until he pointed, "There he is, and look, he's watching Lisbon."

Sure enough, Sanford was watching Lisbon as she exited the side door. He stood there for two minutes and six seconds as he stared at the door. Then they watched as Sanford walked through the crowd, towards the door that led out into the back corridor.

"That's it," Cho said, "He's off camera."

"We know where he went," Jane said.

Rigsby nodded, one fist on the table tightening until the veins bulged at the back of his hand. "Yeah, he went out the back door and attacked Lisbon just outside the ballroom."

Grace had one hand pressed to her mouth, but now she drew it back to her lap. Her eyes shimmered with tears. "This is it. We've got him."

"No," Cho said, "not yet."

* * *

><p>Lisbon thought that things were going very strange with her team; they had been rather quiet since the day before. Sure they would talk to her but they were always making excuses to get her leave the bullpen. She knew it must have had something to do with her case, maybe they thought keeping her busy would keep her from falling apart?<p>

Well that was just ridiculous.

She thought about somehow catching them in the act. Maybe she could spy on them…but she didn't have her boyfriend's gift for subterfuge. Speaking of…she was sure Jane was in on this whole thing. That or he was worried about her if the fact that he kept constantly checking up on her was any idea.

Lisbon decided a stealth attack might be best but a stealth attack only works if they don't see you coming. Jane didn't miss a damn thing. He hopped off of his couch as soon as he saw her. "I'm feeling the need lunch. Are you hungry, Lisbon?"

Actually she was but that wasn't why she'd come in. "Sure," she told him but was eyeing the rest of her team. "What are you guys working on?"

"Reports," Cho told her. She wished it had been Rigsby or Grace who spoke up first, she could tell when they were lying but Cho was a harder nut to crack.

"Really?" she asked, studying him.

He just stared right back, not even flinching. Rigsby and Grace weren't looking at her at all. Damn this was hard to figure out.

Jane tugged on her arm. "Come on, Lisbon. It's boring here right now, let me entertain you over a hot sandwich."

She resisted for a minute, still wondering what her team was doing but finally let Jane drag her to the elevator. Once they were out of earshot she pounced on him. "What is going on?"

"Nothing," Jane told her casually.

"Really? Because it seems like you guys are hiding something from me," Lisbon pointed out.

"What would we be hiding?"

"I…I don't know," she admitted.

Jane smiled. "Exactly, you're over thinking this. It's a slow day, nothing else is going on."

She stared at him for a minute as if maybe she could look through him to see if he was speaking the truth, but that was his specialty not hers. "Fine," she muttered and watched the numbers on the elevator go down as they made their way to the bottom floor.

Lisbon could accept this explanation…but she wasn't sure if she really believed it.

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Lisbon's team didn't relax until she was in the elevator. "That was close," Rigsby said, opening the drawer and pulling out his file on her case.

"Good thing Jane saw her first," Grace agreed.

"He thought fast."

Cho nodded. "He doesn't want to get her hopes up again, in case something goes wrong."

"But this time we _know_ it's him," Rigsby pointed out.

"Doesn't mean we'll find the evidence," Cho replied, "He's had eight months to cover things up, even helping us out on the case."

Rigsby looked sheepish at that. "I didn't know he was her rapist when I asked for help."

"None of us did," Grace told him softly."

They were all quiet for a minute as they all thought about this, the guilt they felt for allowing Sanford to get so close to this case. It helped to know that Jane had been caught off guard too…but they might not have figured it out if not for him.

"We'll get him," Cho stated firmly, "We'll find enough evidence to bury him."

They all got back to work then, each taking a certain angle on Sanford in an attempt to find something on him. It was Grace who got a hold of his ex-wife who was very helpful. They'd remembered Lisbon's investigation in Sanford during the evidence tampering case, but now they were exploring it from a different direction.

"His ex-wife had a lot of say," Grace told them as soon as she hung up the phone, "She said the burn mark on his arm came from an injury in the army and said he does have type A blood. Apparently he was addicted to gambling for years, he mortgaged their home and everything which is why she left him."

"Can you blame her?" Rigsby muttered.

Grace shook her head. "She said that he was very angry when she left him, he made a few threats."

"Why didn't she report him?" Cho asked.

"She said she thought it was just divorce talk," Grace explained, "but apparently he does have a lot of problems with being 'embarrassed'. He can get very violent when he thinks he's been humiliated or targeted."

"Well that fits Jane's theory that he raped Lisbon to get back at her," Rigsby pointed out.

Cho's phone rang and he answered it. He spoke quietly into it for a long time with both Grace and Rigsby looking at him confused. When he hung up they were ready to find out what was going on.

"Sanford was a Ranger," Cho explained, "That was one of his old friends in the Army."

"And?"

"And he wants to talk to us."

* * *

><p>Former First Lieutenant Brady Wilks was seated at the nearly empty bar when Cho and Rigsby walked in. He was African-American with very dark skin, his hair still cropped short like a military man. Cho could emphasize with him in that area, the some habits were hard to shake. Wilks was nursing what looked like a scotch and soda.<p>

"You said you wanted to talk about Cole Sanford," Cho stated as they came upon him.

Wilks nodded. "He's a friend, we still catch up from time to time."

"What do you know?"

He took a long pull of his drink and set it down on the counter with a clink. "You said you were trying to find information about him."

"I asked if you knew anything about him, specifically about the rape of one my colleagues."

"Look I don't know if he did it," Wilks explained somberly.

"Then what do you know?" Rigsby asked.

Wilks sighed again tapping his hand idly on the table. "I talked to him the day afterwards. We met up for a drink and he told me about it. He said that one of the agents was attacked at the fundraiser."

"Was that unusual?"

"No," Wilks explained, "It was just how he said it. He kept bringing it up, like the whole thing fascinated him. He still wanted to talk about it weeks later. It just seemed…weird to me."

Cho and Rigsby exchanged looks but it was the former who spoke first. "You said you saw him the day after the fundraiser."

"Yes?"

"Did he have any bruises or scratches on him?"

Wilks thought about it for a moment. "Yeah he did, he had some long scratches on his neck. He kept them covered up but I noticed. I even asked him about it."

"What did he say?"

He looked a little embarrassed now. "He said he'd met a woman at the fundraiser…that she like it rough. His exact words were 'I fucked the bitch good'." He shook his head, "I thought it was just talk."

Wilks looked up to see that Rigsby and Cho were looking at him with an expression that was a mixture of horror and anger. "You don't think he could have done it…"

They didn't say anything.

There was no reason to.

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Lisbon was distracted by a meeting with Bertram, a stroke of luck for her team who were ready to hash out everything they knew. Jane was caught up on the information from the ex-wife and Cho and Rigsby explained what they knew from the army buddy. It was the information on the scratch marks that sealed it.

Jane simply nodded his head at it all. "I watched that interrogation. He was angry and humiliated and he blamed her. Perhaps…perhaps I would have seen what he was capable of if I'd paid more attention."

"This isn't your fault, Jane," Grace told him.

He smiled bitterly and shook his head. "He did it, if there was any doubt it's gone now."

"We have enough for a warrant," Cho stated.

"Then get one," Rigsby said, "we need his DNA."

"The cross," Jane commented, making them all look at him. "He has her cross, he took it as a trophy, we find that then he'll never get out of this."

"Where do you think it is?" Cho asked. Jane didn't say anything; he was staring off into space. "Jane?"

"We could get a warrant," Jane agreed, "we could arrest him for this…"

Cho crossed his arms and stared at him. "Or?"

"Or we could make sure he never hurts anyone again."

There was a long moment of silence as his words sank in. It was a bit of an awkward time, none wanted the man to live…but the act itself was hard to fathom too. "You mean kill him," Rigsby said.

Jane shrugged. "We all said we could."

"Could you live with that?"

"After what he did to Lisbon? Oh, absolutely."

Cho was studying him carefully. "Is that what you want?"

Jane met his eyes and nodded. "But this isn't about what I want…it's her choice. It's time to tell her…then we'll do it. Whatever she wants."

For once…no one knew what they wanted that answer to be.

* * *

><p>Lisbon returned from her meeting with Bertram, all to aware that the eyes of her team were following her. She felt like she was back to being the mess she once was, that everyone was worried she would fall apart. This time she didn't know why.<p>

When she entered her office she found Jane sitting on the couch and he looked very serious. "Okay," she said staring at him, "Something is wrong and you are finally going to tell me what it is."

He nodded and gestured to the space beside him. "Sit."

"Jane you are scaring me."

"You don't need to be afraid," he assured her but she wasn't quite so sure. There was a determined look in his face that she'd only seen in situations involving Red John.

Lisbon tentatively took the spot next to Jane, her heart pounding out a fast steady rhythm. "What is it?"

He was quiet for a minute but met her eyes. "Lisbon…I know who raped you."

For a second Lisbon felt the world tilt in a weird surreal moment of shock. Then the blood seemed to freeze in her veins and she felt her hands start to tingle with anxiety. "I…you…are you sure?"

"I'm certain."

Lisbon rubbed her hands on her thighs and tried to keep her breathing from becoming to fast, she was already feeling lightheaded enough. "Who?"

It was the longest second of Lisbon's life until Jane finally spoke.

"It was Sanford."

She couldn't stop the gasp from escaping. "Sanford…the ADA?" Jane nodded. Lisbon looked away from him as she tried to let this sink in. "How…why…you're sure?"

"He wasn't on the tape during the attack, he has a military background and I saw the burn mark on his arm."

Her head jerked up on the last statement and she gaped at Jane. "Oh God…" Tears welled in her eyes and she pressed her hands to her mouth. "I was interrogating him that day."

"He was a suspect in the evidence tampering case."

"He was so angry with me…Oh God! I spoke to him at the fundraiser! He told me to apologize but I said no and then I…oh God," she buried her face in her hands, shaking her head. Now she was shaking and Jane put a comforting hand on her knee…but it didn't help much. "He was helping with the case, he'd come by here and I was in the elevator with him… Oh God I think I'm going to be sick."

She jumped to her feet and ran to the garbage can by her desk, heaving a little as what was left in her stomach came out. Jane quickly came over, rubbing her back and pulling her up against him. "It's okay," he told her softly, "Just breathe, slowly…just breathe."

Lisbon took a few minutes to do as he asked, breathing in and out, just like he'd told her countless times over the months. A part of her was angry that she was acting so upset…so much like the mess she used to be. But she knew that this was something she could overcome.

"I'm all right," she said, her voice husky and low and Jane helped her to her feet, keeping a guiding hand on her back as he led her back to the sofa. She took another moment to keep herself calm though her hands were still shaking a little. "Do you know why?"

"He was angry and embarrassed, his wife had left him and he was feeling out of control," Jane told her, "he took that anger out on you."

Lisbon shook her head. "That bastard." She felt a rush of anger flow through veins, with it came warmth and strength. That felt pretty damn good. "Oh that son of a bitch! I didn't do anything personal to him! What the hell did I do to deserve that?" She clenched her fist and tried to keep some of her emotions in check. "What happens now?"

She expected Jane to tell her what the team was doing; she was surprised that he gave her a very thoughtful expression. "A choice."

Lisbon looked up at him in surprise. "What?"

He shifted around so he was looking right at her. "We've talked about this for a while now. This man did something truly deplorable to you…he should feel the same pain you suffered throughout this."

"Jane…what are you saying?"

"We have enough to get a warrant," Jane told her, "we could search his place, get his DNA and bring it all to court. We could put this whole case up into the hands of twelve strangers of various intellect who might or might not make the right decision." Now he looked her straight in the eye. "Or we could make sure he never has a chance to do anything like this again."

Lisbon's lips parted in a silent gasp but not a sound came out. There was no reason to ask what he meant by that but the words escaped her. "You…you want to kill him."

"I want him to feel pain," Jane stated firmly, "but it isn't my choice. He did this to you, he hurt you. This is about what you need from us."

"But Jane…"

He shook his head. "No, Lisbon. It ultimately comes down to you. Do you want to let him stand trial or not…we are all ready to accept whatever the consequences are.

"So, Lisbon…what do you want us to do?"

* * *

><p>Sanford's secretary tried to stop them from bursting into the office unannounced, but Jane, Cho, and Rigsby were unflappable in their push to get past her. She was unharmed. Rigsby had to actually pick her up a few inches and set her aside, but they threw open the door without Sanford being aware of their approach.<p>

The biggest scumbag on the face of the earth was sitting at his antique desk in the middle of a phone call. He blinked at the three men in surprise. "I'll call you back," Sanford said before he put the phone down. "What the hell is going on here?"

"Oh, we're here to talk about Lisbon's case," Jane said innocently, "I did say I would see you soon."

"Perhaps another time," Sanford said, "I'm rather busy at the moment."

"No," Cho said, a carefully folded piece of paper in his hands, "Now."

Sanford took the paper and read it quickly. "A warrant? Why?"

"You know why," Jane said coolly, "You've had your fun playing with us, but your arrogance has finally got you caught."

Since he was a lawyer, Sanford was a fairly good actor. He put on a good surprised look. "What are you talking about?"

"We know you raped Lisbon," Rigsby said.

Now Sanford had no need to fake outrage. "How dare you suggest such a thing?"

"Yes, how dare we uncover the truth," Jane said, "one might think we were trained investigators. Perish the thought."

"You find this amusing," Sanford hissed.

"Not at all. Annoying you is the only thing that is keeping me from killing you at the moment." His tone was flippant, but he showed with his eyes how serious he was.

In fact, all three of them were holding their rage back by a single, ragged thread. They all wanted to kill him. The only reason they didn't was because Lisbon had told them not to. That and they couldn't decide which one of them would do the deed.

"Step aside," Cho said to Sanford, "We need to search your desk."

"And what do you expect to find here? If I did hurt Agent Lisbon, wouldn't any evidence be at my home or at the bottom of the Sacramento River?"

"You kept a trophy," Jane reminded him, "And since you spend most of your time here, you would have kept your stolen prize somewhere in your office."

Rigsby stayed by Sanford, blocking the door while Cho began to go through the desk. Jane stood next to him, but didn't watch the search. He kept his unwavering focus on Sanford. "You won't find anything," Sanford said while looking at Jane squarely in the eye.

"We will," Jane said.

"You have no evidence and I had no reason to do anything to Lisbon. For God sakes, I've been trying to help you."

"Yes, you've been trying to steer us in the wrong direction," Jane said, "You're a vile, disgusting maggot filled with self loathing and rage, but you're certainly not stupid. You knew your DNA wasn't in the system and that Lisbon hadn't seen your face. So while we searched for suspects, you made sure we focused on anyone but you."

Sanford glared at him and gave him a tight, little smile. "You still don't have a motive."

"Oh, well that's simple. Lisbon humiliated you at your interrogation. She brought up your gambling problems and your divorce. You felt betrayed by your wife and your own failings and Lisbon represented all of that. And then when she refused to apologize to you, you were so enraged. She had emasculated you and the only way to make her pay was to dominate her. You had to be a man again. When you saw her walk outside alone, that was your chance."

Sanford grinned at him coldly and shook his head. "You can't prove any of that."

"We will."

Cho let out a curse and kicked the desk. "There's nothing here, Jane."

Now Sanford gave him a smug smile. "As I said, you have no proof. Now I understand you are all stressed, so I won't take this personally, but please leave my office now or I will put in a call to the governor."

It wasn't the first time that threat had been issued to Jane. Maybe if it had been the president, he would have been concerned, but that was still doubtful. Jane pursed his lips and stared down at the desk. He even sat down in Sanford's chair, running his hands over the polished wood. "This is an antique, yes?"

"Now you don't like my furniture?"

"Not at all, it's actually quite lovely," Jane said, "And clearly a variation of a secretary desk. These old pieces often had little secret niches to hide valuables and the like. Since lawyers trust no one, it's no surprise you would buy this desk especially for that purpose."

Jane pulled out one drawer, felt around in it and then smiled. Sure enough, at the back of that drawer was another cleverly disguised knob. A drawer within a drawer. One tug was all it took. He found some papers, probably for tax frauds and the like, Sanford was the type, but beneath that was just the object he was looking for.

The golden chain was broken and still flecked with bits of blood, but the cross was clean and sparkled in the light as it dangled from his fingers. "You couldn't resist a souvenir," Jane said, "Especially one that was so valuable to her."

Sanford had actually gone pale as he stared at the necklace that had sealed his doom. Cho and Rigsby wasted no time in slapping him in handcuffs and reading his rights. Once the cuffs locked, Sanford's blood rushed back to his face and he snarled at Jane. "That bitch deserved it."

Wrong thing to say.

Rigsby slammed one fist into his face. There was some small satisfaction in the sound of knuckles hitting his cheekbone, blood would have been more enjoyable. Sanford snapped his head up, his eyes blazing with fury. "You can't do that! I'll have your badge."

"Why?" Rigsby asked coolly, "You tried to run, I had to stop you."

"That's what I saw," Cho said.

"Me too," Jane said.

"You won't get away with that."

Jane smiled back at him. "Sanford, you hurt a cop. No one is going to believe anything you say now."

In fact, Jane was quite certain Sanford would be 'clumsy' and accidently run into a few walls on the way to booking. Pain was still pain, even if it was small in the face of what Lisbon suffered. But it would be enough for him if it was for her. That was all that mattered now.

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><p>Lisbon was waiting anxiously in her office. She knew what was going on, she knew that Cho, Rigsby and Jane were executing a warrant to search Sanford's office. Jane said they would be looking for the cross Sanford took from her that night, then they would arrest him and it would all be over.<p>

But what if Jane was wrong?

She'd gone through this several times already and each time she'd been disappointed. What if the cross wasn't there? What if Sanford destroyed it? What if this was the one time Jane was wrong?

What if she'd made a mistake?

She sat on the sofa for two seconds before standing up and pacing again, she repeated this over and over again. She was on her tenth lap of the room when she saw Jane standing in the doorway. "What happened?" Lisbon asked immediately, "Did you find it? Did he confess? Oh God he got away didn't he? Oh God, Jane just tell it to me quickly and put me out of my misery."

He was still standing there and she knew he was once again just waiting for her to stop and breathe. She took a deep breath and met his eyes again. "Okay…what happened?"

Finally Jane gave her a small smile and stepped forward, she thought he was going to hug her but instead he pressed something into her hand. She opened her palm to see that it was a gold chain, broken but familiar.

Her mother's cross.

She gasped and pressed her hand to her mouth while blinking back tears. It took her a while to gather the words. "I…I was always afraid that when I saw it again it would be tainted…that all I would be able to think about was that he took it the night I was raped."

Now Jane put a hand on her shoulder, a sweet comforting gesture. "And?"

Lisbon looked up, no longer hiding her tears and shook her head. "Nothing, I just see it as the last thing I have of my mom…the last piece of me that was missing."

Jane smiled again and this time he did pull her into her arms. Tears were still spilling down her cheeks but she wasn't really crying, she wanted to cry but she couldn't seem to muster up that feeling yet. "Did he confess?"

"Close enough," Jane told her, "he'll probably want to recant it but when the DNA evidence comes back even he must know that he can't get out of it."

"That doesn't mean he won't try," Lisbon murmured.

Jane pulled back to catch her gaze and she saw a bit of sadness in his eyes. "Are you sure this is what you want? To go through all of this?"

Lisbon knew what he was talking about He'd wanted her to let them take care of Sanford themselves; Jane was always one to take the side of revenge seriously. She sighed. "I'm not going to lie and say that a part of me does want to see him dead, I certainly won't shed a tear if something happens to him in prison…but I don't want you to kill him either."

"Why not?"

She met his eyes with an entreating gaze. "Jane, I'm a cop. I tell people every day to have faith in my work and the justice system I uphold. I'm a cop, it's a part of me and if I put that aside for this…even just this once…then Sanford really would have destroyed me." She smiled softly. "I'm Special Agent Teresa Lisbon, that's who I was before he raped me…and that's who I am now." Lisbon looked into his eyes again. "Can you understand that?"

Jane cupped her cheek with his hand and nodded. "Yes…I do. I wouldn't ask you to change that either, I love you the way you are."

"I know you wanted to hurt him," she told him quickly, "but, Jane—."

He put a finger to her lips to silence her. "No, stop it now. This was never about what I want; this is about what you _need_. This is what you needed, right?"

She was quiet for a minute and then nodded her head. "I need to let him know that he lost, then I want to walk away and leave him knowing that I'm stronger than him. That's what I need."

He smiled and hugged her closer. "Then that is what you need to do."

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><p>Sanford was in a holding room until he could be transferred to the county jail. Jane had offered to come with Lisbon, but she had said no. She needed to do this alone, it was the only way to prove to him, and to herself, that she was strong.<p>

Officer Henry Cooper, affectionately known as Coop, was parked outside of the door. He smiled when he saw her. "Hey, Lisbon."

"Hi Coop, you doing all right?"

"I'm glad this day finally came," he said.

"Me too." Lisbon looked at the locked door and then at Coop. "Can I have a moment with him?"

Coop stared into her eyes. "Do you want me to go to the bathroom for a bit? I will. Just say the word, Lisbon."

It seemed the entire building was willing to break the law if that was what she wanted. She have him a grateful smile and shook her head. "No, this won't take long. I just want talk to him."

"All right then." Coop unlocked the door. "Good luck, Lisbon."

"I'll be fine," she promised him before she slipped inside.

Sanford had his handcuffed hands in front of him on the table and was just staring at his palms. When the door opened, he glanced up at her. She noticed the way his eyes widened just little. She couldn't help but feel some satisfaction in that. "I'm not here to hurt you," Lisbon said, "I could though. One word and you won't have to worry about prison. How does it feel to be the helpless one for once?"

If that undeniable truth bothered him, he didn't show it. He didn't answer her question, but he did have the courage to look her in the eye. "What do you want?"

"To go back in time and shoot you in that alley," Lisbon said, "but we don't all get what we want. So I'll have to settle for seeing you locked behind iron bars for the rest of your life. I hope to God you get stuck with the most disgusting criminal alive as your cellmate."

Sanford let out a snort. "Is that all you have to say?"

"No." Lisbon walked over to the table. She leaned forward with her palms braced on the surface of the cold metal slap. There was still about a foot or two of space between them, that was al closest she ever wanted to get. Her skin didn't crawl. Her body didn't shake. But the rage did rumble inside like a deep, roaring thunder.

"I know you enjoyed yourself," she said, "I know you watched me. You saw how I suffered, how I was broken by what you did. You thought you had it all. You thought you had stolen everything from me. And for a while, I thought you did too. But I was wrong. I'm still me."

Lisbon leaned forward just a bit more. He had to look into her eyes now. She wanted him to see that there wasn't any fear there. "You don't own me, Sanford. You never did. Now you'll be carted off to prison. Your name will be ruined and all of those men you helped put away will be waiting for you there. But before you go, I just wanted to tell you one thing."

Her eyes flashed with hatred as she said, "You didn't win."

She pushed off from the table and smiled. "Enjoy prison."

Those were the last words she ever spoke to Cole Sanford. She never looked back.

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><p>AN: That's it except for the epilogue. Click next to read the final bit of Lavinia.


	23. Epilogue: Die, Die Lavinia and Thy Shame

Disclaimer: We own nothing

A/N Nerwen Aldarion: This is it, the final piece of Lavinia. This own story has been a labor of love from the beginning, over a year passed by and we made AMAZING friends through this fic. So much happened throughout this time and I cherish all of the memories. Thank you so much for reading this fic and believing in what we created. We will always be grateful.

A/N Tinuviel Undomiel: I'll never forget when my sister finally cracked and told me about this idea. She was afraid I wouldn't like it. I showed her my enthusiasm by throwing a remote at her head. The next thing I knew, we were starting this story. I can't believe it's finally over. Thank you all so much for reading and I hope you all read our other stories. We have more coming up that we think you'll enjoy. I know I'll never forget Lavinia, it brought out a lot of emotions in me and I'm glad it interested all of you.

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><p>Epilogue: Die, Die Lavinia and Thy Shame With Thee<p>

Jane was the one who drove that day, Lisbon had asked him for a favor and while he obviously hadn't been convinced, she knew that she needed to do this. She held her cross between her thumb and forefinger as she watched the scenery fly by. Her heart was pounding and she wasn't entirely sure why…there was nothing to be afraid of anymore.

And then sooner than she expected, they were there.

Her mouth went dry when Jane parked the car and all she could do was stare out the car window at the parking lot. She barely remembered it, it had been dark and hazy and she'd been in shock of course. She remembered the streetlights though…and Jane's horrified face.

"You sure you want to do this?"

Lisbon nodded numbly. It wasn't a matter of want but something she had to do, the final chapter that needed to be finished before she could finally close the book on this part of her life. "I can do this," she told him firmly before pulling on the door handle and getting out of the car.

Her knees did weaken a little when she realized she was standing on the same pavement she'd stumbled across eight months earlier. But it was the day; there weren't any cars around. The only thing familiar was Jane; he was still her safe haven in this storm.

She glanced over at the spot where Jane had picked her up and saw the sidewalk he'd stopped at. She did remember being cradled in his arms, smelling his scent and feeling a small bit of comfort in the overwhelming ocean of pain.

_ "Shhhh, it's okay. Everything will be okay."_

Lisbon knew now that Jane had actually been lying then but at the same time…he hadn't been wrong either. Nothing had been "okay" then but now, now she was stronger for it.

Jane took her hand and she looked down at their clasped fingers before smiling up at him. She took a deep breath. "Okay, let's do this."

Somehow they made it around the building. She flinched when she saw the window she'd been looking through that night. The memories came pouring back. Standing there and watching the dancing…

_ Then a firm strong hand gripped the side of her head and slammed her up against the brick wall._

She'd been dragged by her hair along the sidewalk, he'd punched her in the stomach and pulled her along to the alley.

For a second all she did was stare into the horrifying place where she had been raped. It was still dark, dirty and truly terrible. It took a lot of strength to not break down and cry, it didn't stop the lump in her throat from forming or the memories of being thrown on the ground, her head slammed into the concrete and then her violation.

Those memories were never going to go away.

She walked into the alley and stood next to the spot where it happened. She could find the nerve to stand on it, by she stood by that small square footage where Sanford and forced her to the ground and raped her.

The blood was gone but the memories were still there.

Wounds could heal but scars would always remain.

Lisbon absently kicked a beer can and ricocheted off the wall. "They moved the dumpster," she noted, "It was right there last time." She looked up toward the roof of the building and smiled bitterly. "They installed security cameras too…boy that would have been helpful eight months ago."

Jane must have caught the slight edge to her voice because he came up and drew her into her arms. "It's okay," he whispered into her ear, her back to his front.

She nodded. "Yes it is. I needed to see it, needed to know that I could face every part of it without falling apart…and I have."

Lisbon took in a deep breath and let it out. "I was raped. That is what happened to me and it will always be a part of me…but it is not who I am." She remembered how she'd struggled with that question over the months. Who was she? She'd answered it in so many ways. She was a fool, a victim, a martyr…she was Lavinia.

But none of that was true. She was who she'd always been. Special Agent Teresa Lisbon, no amount of tragedy was ever able to take that from her.

"It's over," she declared, "it really is over. For the first time I really do feel whole again." Jane held her close and she smiled before turning in his arms to look up at him. "You did this you know?"

Jane shook his head. "No it was you."

"Take credit, Jane. I couldn't have survived this without you. I couldn't have healed without you." She smiled shyly and met his eyes. "Now I want to return the favor…I want to heal _you_."

He smiled softly at her and gently brushed away the hair from her face. "You already have. You've been doing it for years."

She stood up on her tiptoes to kiss him, a real soulful kiss full of gratitude, happiness and most of all…love.

Love was what truly had saved them both from the brinks of despair, and that was all that mattered.

When she broke away he pressed her forehead to hers and they just savored the moment for a long while. Then she opened her eyes to look into his. "Let's get out of here," she told him.

He smiled and nodded before taking her hand once more. They walked out of that alley together.

Neither one of them looked back.

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><p>AN: That's all folks, please review while I cry into a box of kleenex. I hope you guys will continue to read our fics as we have more ideas we are going to post soon. Lavinia might be over but more fics are to come.

Thank you.


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